Sirius Black was many things, charming, funny, stylish, even quite clever, believe it or not, but above all; Sirius Black was a spiteful, stubborn motherfucker.
Remus Lupin knew this of course. He knew almost everything about Sirius, best friends since twelve years old, they practically grew up together, well, them, James and Peter, of course.
Though, Remus’ friendship with Sirius was a lot more… complex than with Peter or James.
Remus and Peter could sit in silence, or cackle at Peter’s hilarious stories for hours on end, and give each other tips on chess or cards.
Remus and James could never run out of things to talk about, James was just a great listener, and talker.
With Sirius though, there was basically nothing he couldn’t do. He could laugh for years with Sirius, he always felt that little spark of happiness with him, they could talk about music, and movies, and books; even things Sirius had no interest in, they seemed like his favourite things when Remus talked about them. They could play chess and cards and board games, and get extremely competitive, causing them to fight and argue and yell, then sit and listen to Bowie five minutes later.
Sirius was just… different.
In the best way possible.
Sirius made him feel so important, and so seen. Remus knew damn well what that meant, he didn’t want to believe it though.
Him and Sirius had had their fair share of snogs and dates, though none of them have ever ended well.
Their first kiss was at sixteen, six years ago, a shy, gentle kiss, it was a new ground for them both. Remus Never forgot how he felt that night. He was on a high that night- well, until he saw Sirius kiss Mary not even five minutes later.
That’s how it went.
James tried to help them both, he really truly did. He believes Sirius truly does love Remus, and Remus truly does love Sirius, they just have an awful lot of baggage to unload. They’ve been suppressing their feelings since even before they were sixteen. Remus scoffed at the memory of James repeating this. What did he know?
It doesn’t matter anyways, Sirius was loyal as a dog, but romantically? He was a wreck. An unreliable mess. He didn’t know what he wanted or who he liked.
Remus dropped his head into his hands, sighing over the pages and pages of writing on his desk. He loved his job, he really did, he’s dreamed of being a published author since forever, he was just tired out of his mind. Turns out five cups of coffee and four chocolate bars by the afternoon isn’t enough.
March 10th
“Alright, Moony, don’t work yourself too much! My house at nine- don’t be late- everybody’s gonna be there!” James had called as he and Peter left Remus’ flat, preparing Remus’ birthday party at James’ house- there’s plus sides to having James Potter, multi millionaire actor as your best friend.
Remus saluted them with a grin and they shut the front door behind them.
Remus walked over to the kitchen, flicking on the kettle, humming quietly to himself as he heard his front door open and close.
“Moooonyyyyy, Mooonnnsss! Happy Birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to Moony, happy birthday-“ Sirius bounced into the kitchen, a big smile on his face, as well as a gift bag.
Remus grinned. “Shut up,” he laughed as Sirius pulled him into a hug, which was a struggle, considering how tall Remus was compared to him.
Sirius pulled away, holding out the gift bag, gnawing on his bottom lip.
Remus jokingly raised his eyebrows. “For me?!” He gasped sarcastically. Sirius rolled his eyes, if Remus didn’t know any better, he’d say Sirius looked nervous.
Remus outstretched his hand to take the gift bag, but Sirius was holding on tightly. “Um, Pads?” Remus laughed lightly.
“Oh-“ Sirius smiled, “right, sorry.”
He handed Remus the bag, not meeting his eyes. Remus tilted his head in question. When Sirius didn’t say anything, Remus peered into the bag, lifting out the two small boxes that sat in the bottom of the bag, amongst the gift paper.
Remus raised his eyebrow, and Sirius smiled tightly.
Intrigued, Remus lifted open the box, his lips parting slightly, he felt Sirius’ eyes on him, but he stared at the little chain in the box. The silver chain twinkled slightly under the kitchen lights, Remus touched the locket at the end on the chain, running his fingers under the engraved picture. A Leo constellation, overlapping the moon in the background. Their symbols.
“Sirius…” Remus sighed, not looking at him yet. He reached for the second box, opening it to see a silver matching bracelet. He looked up to see Sirius staring at him, studying his expression, a slight pink flush in his cheeks. “You didn’t need to-“
“I- uh- Remus, I wanted to get you something nice. Something good, you deserve it. I- uhm- I wanted to talk to you,” Sirius winced, twisting a stand of his hair around his fingers. “Remus, neither of us have ever actually dated somebody since we were sixteen. Sixteen! Your like twenty three now, and we always keep coming back to each other. And it always doesn’t work out because I get scared or because I’m worried I’ll fuck it up with you, and then, wow, what do you know? I fuck it up. I’m immature and irresponsible and you don’t deserve that but clearly there’s something… I don’t know… unfinished? here. I’m sorry if this is dumb or if this is stupid or if im the only one thinking this and you literally see me as your best mate. I genuinely don’t want to fuck anything up, but I need to talk to about this because it’s eating me alive. I think we’re meant to have something more than just this, Rem,” he gestured to the air between them, his beautiful blue grey eyes filling with tears, “stupid flings and fucking misunderstandings. Im not expecting you to say anything right now, I just-“
“Sirius-“
“I thought you deserved to know.”
“Sirius-“
“Oh fuck, I’ve ruined your birthday now, you were expecting to have a nice birthday with your best mates and I had to go fuck up your birthday too didnt I- again! Ugh- Im sorry. I’ll lea-“
Remus huffed a surprised laugh and grabbed Sirius’s hands, finally getting his attention. Sirius looked up at him, his eyes teary and frightful, nervously anticipating his response.
“Thank you,” Remus whispered.
Sirius parted his lips. “Oh- yeah it was really no problem, I mean I know you like silver and I noticed you don’t have that much jewellery so-“
Remus laughed and dropped his head onto Sirius’ shoulder, shaking his head. He lifted his head. “No-“ he laughed, “you’re such a dumbass. Thank you. For telling me.”
“Oh,” Sirius sighed.
Remus tentatively lifted his hand to Sirius’ cheek, waiting for a response. Sirius leaned into his touch.
“I’m sorry or everything,” Sirius whispered.
Remus smiled. “I’m sorry too.”
Remus dropped his hand to Sirius’s waist, pulling him close, leaning down as Sirius pressed on his tiptoes, pressing his lips softly to Remus’. Remus pulled him closer, deepening the timid, careful kiss. He was eager, he was starving for Sirius, and he wasn’t afraid to show it. Sirius gasped, pulling on Remus’ hair, clearly as eager as Remus, tugging on his shirt, as Remus pressed him toward the counter. A sound of surprise escaped Sirius’ lips as Remus kissed him harder. He pulled away for a second, Remus breathing heavily. Remus stared at him, waiting for an explanation on why he pulled away, depriving him once again of his sweet lips.
“You’re too fucking tall, Moons, my neck hurts, I swear you’ve grown since the last time I kissed you. I’m gonna have to start wearing even higher platforms. Seriously- ha- get it- my neck does hurt though-“ Remus groaned, placing his hands tightly on Sirius’ hips and lifting him up on the counter. Sirius’ lips parted, his neck flushing a dark pink.
Remus stared at him, lips turned up in a smirk. “Flustered, Black?”
Sirius stuttered, rolling his eyes.
“Oh I just found a new way to shut you up,” Remus laughed horsely, leaning to press kisses on Sirius’ jawline, Sirius tilted his head back automatically, a soft moan escaping his mouth.
“Oh- oh- I better start talking too much more often.”
Remus laughed against his skin.
~*~*~*
Remus couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips as he recalled the memory, then the wince that followed.
It’s been a long, long week.
Remus didn’t know what came over him that night. That birthday party. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the jealousy of the girls hitting on Sirius, but when Grant Chapman walked in that door, he couldn’t help himself. He locked eyes with the boy from his teenage years and thought why not?
Remus groaned. Oh he was an awful, awful man. He loved Grant- he was sweet and caring and kind and funny, but he wasn’t Sirius. It wasn’t LOVE love.
“Lupin! How’ve you been, mate, it’s been forever!” Grant had greeted, grinning.
Remus remembered assessing the man from his teenage years, observing his strong build. “Not too bad, Grant. Not too bad. You look well,” and next thing he knew, he was more drinks in, and Sirius had one more girl in a red dress try buy him a drink, and he was snogging Grant Chapman, stumbling into the bathroom for some privacy.
Remus couldn’t forget Sirius’ face that evening as he and Grant left the bathroom, ruffled hair and crinkled clothes, Sirius had been standing next to Peter, James most likely off with Regulus and their other co- stars on their latest movie.
Sirius didn’t even look mad. First, the parting of his lips, then the clenched jaw, then the quick blinks, before; “Chapman,” he had nodded coldly. “Your flies open. Happy Birthday, Lupin,” he said, scarily calm, as Grant fumbled with his pants beside him. Peter shook his head, his eyes dark as he watched Remus. Then, Sirius and Peter walked away, without another word.
That had been a week ago today. Remus had never felt more awful in his whole life. Guilt was gnawing at his insides. He felt horrible for what he did to Sirius, he felt horrible for using Grant. Not only that, but he agreed to see Grant again tonight. He hated himself right now.
His phone buzzed beside him, a text from James asking him to come over. Remus shrugged. He could do with spending time with James right now. Remus walked the couple of blocks, but regretted it as he saw the posters on windows of shops and billboards. Bold of hun to assume he could leave his house and not see his complicated-sort-of-ex- plastered all over the town, being one of the biggest musicians in the world at the moment.
He entered James’ house, meeting him inside and sitting in the living room with a coffee. Before Remus got a chance to open his mouth, James began to speak.
“Sirius’ concert is tonight.”
Shit.
“Oh. Yeah.”
“You’re going, are you?” James asked.
“Ehh, I’m not too sure he’d want me there at this point in time, Prongs.”
James rubbed his neck. “So what, you’re just gonna avoid him? No offence, Moony, but I don’t think it should be you who’s avoiding him here.”
Remus groaned. He was right. Of course he was right. “I know.”
There was a couple of minutes of silence.
“You should go. Talk thing about with him after it before or whenever. You need to.”
Remus nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. I know, thanks, mate,”
James smiled.
Remus left James’ a while later, running into Peter on the way up the stairs into his apartment.
“You!” Peter said, pointing at Remus. He braced himself for what Pete had to say.
“Hi, Pete,” he winced.
“What the fuck do you think you’re playing at, Remus?” Peter said, furrowing his eyebrows. “Seriously! Did you and Sirius not just talk your shit through last week? Not only last week- the day you went and shagged Chapman- who’s back by the way?”
Remus massaged his temples. “Yeah- look- I know, I-“
“You know? Do you, though? Sirius went out of his way to plan what he’s been wanting to say to you, and he did! In perfect clear English. He opened up, he let himself be vulnerable! Do you know how little Sirius does that?” Peter cried.
Remus’ gut tied tighter, a lump forming in his throat. “You’re right, it was stupid. I’m gonna talk to him, I swear-“
“Damn well you’ll talk to him! Seriously Remus! Come on!”
“Look, Peter, I know. I fucking know, okay? I already said I’d talk to him tonight. I just need to call it off with Grant first and then I will. Okay?”
Peter sighed. “Yeah.”
“Thanks, Pete,” Remus said.
Peter nodded. “I’d do the same for you if Sirius was acting like this much of a knob.”
Remus winced. “Right. Thanks.”
Peter nodded again. “I better see you later,” he warned.
“You will.”
“Good.”
~*~*~*~*
Remus hadn’t even stepped into his apartment when his phone rang.
Grant.
Shit.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Hey Grant,” Remus said, throwing the keys onto the coffee table and balancing his phone on his shoulder.
“You still up for tonight?” Grant asked, his tone hopeful. Oh god, Remus hated himself. Remus flipped open his laptop, waiting for it to turn on. Remus opened his mouth to answer, but paused when he saw the headline and a photo.
SPOTTED: Infamous Popstar, Sirius Black, spotted in London this morning with mysterious figure. Potential love interest, perhaps? Fans are left curious? Will we finally see the person who has inspired Black’s upcoming album?
Remus’ stomach dropped. The man in the photo was shorter than Sirius, their backs turned to the camera as Sirius slung his arm over the man’s shoulder, a black hood over his head.
Remus couldn’t recognise him.
Was it a love interest?
Remus surely had no right to feel jealous after what he had done last night, yet here he was.
“Hello? You there, Remus?”
“Oh- oh yeah. Sorry. Yes. Im free. Uhm, how about I take you to a concert?”
~*~*~*~*
Okay, Remus knew full well he was in the wrong here. But, in desperate attempts to justify this, Sirius does have an alleged boyfriend, okay?
Remus rolled his eyes at his stupidity. An alleged boyfriend. A hooded short man. Remus shagged his ex boyfriend mere hours after Sirius confessed his feelings. He was a dickhead and he knew it.
Remus and Grant arrived at the concert and made their way to the VIP section before the stage. There, he found James and Regulus mid conversation, and Marlene and Peter. Regulus stopped whatever he was saying to James and held up a hand, glaring at Remus.
If looks could kill, Remus would be a dead dead man.
“Lupin, a word?” Regulus snapped, eyeing Grant up and down with his ice cold glare.
Remus stood back, waiting for Regulus to leave the tent before following him. As soon as they left the tent, Regulus shoved Remus up against the outside of the tent, given how short he was compared to Remus, his strength startled him.
“What the living fuck are you doing and who in the fuck do you think you are?” Regulus’ tone was so cold it could freeze anybody.
“I’m just going to a concert, Reg.”
Regulus worked his jaw. “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you right now, but I hope to God that you have a valid excuse for this, because you should know I won’t hesitate to hurt your or your little boyfriend in there.”
Remus felt his stomach twist. To be honest, he didn’t doubt the younger Black brother for a second. He was terrified of the man. But he also admired his burning loyalty to his brother.
Remus scoffed. “I’m not the only one with a little boyfriend.” He said before he could stop himself. A hand struck his cheek hard before he could register anything.
“What the fuck, Lupin? Believing paparazzi? That’s fucking low. Low low. That was ME, dumbass. As similar as I may look to my mother, I don’t intend to follow on her tradition of incest. I can’t believe you’d believe blurry photos over one of your best mate’s loyalty. Seriously. Get your shit together. You’re pathetic,” Regulus snapped.
Remus winced. Regulus stormed back into the tent, leaving Remus shook. Of course Sirius didn’t have another boyfriend, what the living fuck was he thinking.
When he walked back into the tent, it was clear the air was tense. Marlene seemed to be trying to politely keep up conversation with Grant, whereas Peter stood awkwardly beside them as Regulus glared angrily, beside James, who looked confused and bewildered all at once.
It was dark when the stage lights came on, and music began to blare, fans screaming and crying. This was just another Friday night to Sirius. Sold out stadiums of thousands of people. Sirius burst from the stage, red electric guitar swung around his neck and he played, racing towards the microphone, a wide smile on his face as he waved at the crowd.
“Hello Wembley!” He cried into the microphone, grinning as he heard people scream. “I’m so glad you guys could come listen to me play for a while, and I’d be even happier if you’d sing along, ‘cause I know you know it.” He grinned, adjusting his slim fingers on the frets of his guitar as he played, singing into the microphone. Remus stared at him. He was so gorgeous. Black eyeliner around his blue stormy eyes, red sparkles across his cheekbones, and his red crop top, revealing his tattoos across his torso and arms. He looked so free- there- clearly in his happy place.
Sirius ran around the stage, singing and strumming, he had gotten though the first five songs before he walked over the the main microphone stand once again, his cheeks were flushed and his hair was slightly curlier. “Wow, London! You guys are making me feel so good here tonight!” Cheers strutted throughout the stadium. James and Peter whistled.
Sirius grinned down at where James and Regulus stood, he hadn’t noticed Remus or Grant yet. “I wanna say thanks to these guys for being here,” he gestured to the tent, his eyes locking with Remus’, before he glanced at Grant, a Look Remus didn’t recognise flashing across his features for a mere second. Sirius turned back to the crowd.
“You know, because you’re such a lively crowd, do you reckon you guys want to hear a new song of mine?” He smirked. Fans screeched and screamed.
Of course they did!
Sirius locked eyes with Remus before winking, tossing his guitar to some stage worker. Remus felt his stomach knot.
Oh no.
Sirius tugged on a baggy leather jacket over the red crop top and picked the microphone up off the stand. Remus recognised that’s jacket. That was his! Sirius had taken it because it “smells like his Moony”.
Sirius began to sing into the microphone, and upbeat guitar track played in the background as he bounced around the stage.
“Oh I leave quite an impression, five feet to be exact. You’re wondering why half his clothes went missing, my body’s where there at,” Sirius tugged the jacket that he wore, causing Remus’ mouth to drop even further. Sirius continued to sing, staring up at the crowds.
Sirius kneeled on the stage before the VIP tent, smiling a toothy smile at Remus before locking eyes with poor Grant Chapman.
“Well, I heard you’re back together, and if that’s true- you’ll just have to taste me, when he’s kissing you! And if you want forever, I bet you do, just know you’ll taste me too- ooh!” Sirius stood back up, waving at Grant and Remus before skipping back to the centre of the stage.
“Uh-huh, he pins you down on the carpet, makes paintings with his tongue,
La la la la la la la,
He’s funny now all his jokes hit different, guess who he learnt them from!
Now I’m gone but you’re still laying, one degree of separation!” Sirius was grinning and smirking as he sang, moving around the stage, clearly enjoying this.
“Every time you close your eyes,
and feel his lips, you're feelin' mine,
and every time you breathe his air-
just know I was already there! You can have him if you like- I've been there, done that, once or twice, and singin' 'bout it don't mean I care- yeah I know I've been known to share!” Sirius sang as the crowd cheered. Regulus was cackling with laughter in the tent beside James.
Grant cleared his throat. “You know, Remus. I don’t think this is gonna work out. Clearly you and Sirius still have… stuff to deal with.” He turned, leaving the tent.
“Grant, wait!” He tore after Grant. “Look, I’m really sorry. I know that doesn’t make up for anything. I was a shit person- to you and to Sirius. You deserve better. I’m really sorry.”
Grant smiled. “I know. But Remus? Word of advice? I haven’t found my person yet- I thought I did, but… anyways. You found your person, Remus, don’t let him go.”
~*~*~**~*~
Sirius finished waving goodbye to the audience, grinning and thanking them, before disappearing backstage. Remus followed Marken, Peter, Regulus and James to go meet him. He leaned against the doorframe as Sirius hugged friends, thanking the for coming. He slung his arm over Regulus’ shoulder, leaning on him as he spoke to James. Remus wondered how he didn’t realise it was Regulus in the photo.
Marlene rested her head on Remus’ shoulder. “Oh you are down bad, motherfucker,” she grinned.
Remus rolled his eyes. “No matter anymore- he’s so done with me now, I’ll bet.”
Marlene scoffed as the two watched Sirius laugh with his brother, James and Peter. “Please. Have you met Sirius? When he wants something, he’ll do everything he possibility can to get it. You, my friend, are what he wants more than anything.” Remus couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips as he rested his head atop Marlene’s.
“Thanks,” he whispered.
“Alright bitches!” Marlene called. “You three have got to come with me!” She said to Regulus, James and Peter, who, after saying their goodbyes and “I’ll see you back at home”s to Sirius left.
Remus stood at the doorway, watching Sirius wipe off his eyeliner.
“I’m a knob, aren’t I?” Remus said, his throat tight.
“Yup.”
“I’m so dumb and stupid.”
“Yup.”
Sirius didn’t meet Remus’ eye as he continued to scrub off the makeup, angrily trying to scratch away the glitter, leaving red marks.
“Fucking glitter,” he muttered under his breath, his skin reddening as he reached for another wipe.
“You’re gonna hurt yourself if you keep scrubbing like that, it’s clearly not working.”
Sirius dropped the wipe. “Oh right then, tell me how to wash off my makeup, Remus, because you know everything, don’t you?”
Remus bit his lip. “I’m sorry.”
Sirius stared blankly at him.
“I’m so so sorry. I actually don’t know why the fuck I did any of that. I was jealous- all these girls were talking to you and Grant was there and he just looked at me and I was drunk, and I know- I know that’s not an excuse but that’s my explanation and if it helps, which I know it probably doesn’t but with Grant all I was thinking about was you, and that’s not fair on you or Grant, and I’m an idiot and I’m sorry, and I’m so lame for everything! And you’re here, and you’re so… you’re so just fucking cool! You see something that pisses you off and you get up in a slutty outfit and sing about it in front of millions of people! I see something that pissed me off and I snog the next person I see. I’m so so sorry. And I will totally, completely respect if you tell me to get the fuck out,” Remus rambled, squeezing his fingers.
Sirius tilted his head, observing Remus.
“It’s not fair,” Sirius whined.
“I know- I know, I feel awful-“
“No. It’s not fair that you’re too tall for me to lift you onto a counter and make you shut the fuck up.”
Remus’ eyes snapped to Sirius’. “What?”
“How many times did you forgive me when I screwed up?” Sirius asked.
“But that’s not-“
Sirius shook his head. “Yeah, it was a shit dickhead thing to do. I never liked Grant fucking Chapman. Never saw the appeal. That was easily the dumbest fucking mistake out of both of us. But look at you- I’ve made Remus Lupin almost cry!”
Remus shook his head, tears clouding his vision. “I’m really really sorry, Pads.” His voice shook. Sirius tilted his head.
“Please don’t cry,” he whispered.
Remus laughed lightly, wiping at his eyes. Sirius took a step closer, wrapping his arms around him, hugging him close.
“I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you.”
Sirius pulled back slightly, looking at Remus. Remus leaned down to kiss him. “Wait! My glitter isn’t rubbed off- your face will get all glittery!”
Remus laughed. “Okay, let’s go wash it off, come on,” they went to the bathroom backstage, where Remus ran the hot water over a face cloth, and smirked as he lifted Sirius onto the counter. Sirius began to scrub his face again with the wipe.
Remus laughed. “No- darling, we already concluded that doesn’t work,” his took the wipe from him and began to wash his face softly with the cloth. Sirius closed his eyes, sighing as Remus gently cleaned the makeup from his face.
Remus pulled the cloth away, brushing Sirius’ hair from his face, watching his face. “We should go out for real.”
Sirius smiled. “No dumb fights or weird summer boyfriends.”
“A real date.”
“With my real boyfriend,” Sirius said. Remus raised his eyebrows.
“Really?”
“Uh huh, want to be my boyfriend, Lupin?” Sirius smirked.
“Please,” Remus mumbled against Sirius’s mouth as he pressed a hard hard to his lips, biting Sirius’s bottom lip, causing a satisfied moan to escape Sirius’s lips as he ran his hands down Remus’ arms.
Remus pulled away. “You’re my boyfriend,” he grinned.
Sirius nodded, his lips red for the kiss.
“Kinda hard to believe,” Remus smiled shyly.
Sirius cupped Remus’ face in his hands, cradling his cheeks. “Silly Remus. Didn’t anybody ever tell you?” He kissed his nose. “Once I want something, I always get it. Always.”