If you told Regulus Black a few years ago that he would be raising a little girl while he was still in college, he would probably slap you. For good reason too, first being he had no desire for children ever. Secondly, he’s gay, and he has practically no interest in women whatsoever.
However, Regulus was currently setting up a crib in his stupidly small dorm room while on call with Barty Crouch Jr., his best friend, and he had his newborn girl wrapped on his chest. “Regulus! That is the side piece, not the bottom piece! How can you even mix those up? Dumbass,” Barty laughed loudly. Regulus cringed as his airpod cracked in his ear.
“You should be glad that I don’t have you on speaker or you would’ve woke her up,” Regulus laughed as he switched the two pieces, laughing at himself for not paying much attention to what he was doing. He looked down at the newborn against his chest, and he felt his heart swell against his will. Regulus whispered, “Hi baby,” and he subconsciously started bouncing slightly in his spot on the ground.
“You’re like actually obsessed, Reg,” Barty’s voice came through Regulus’s airpod. He looked up to see the flash of facetime photos being taken. Regulus laughed and flipped Barty off.
“I don’t even know why. It’s not like I even wanted kids before, but I don’t know,” Regulus’s voice faded out as he stared down at the baby in his arms.
“You should probably finish her crib,” Barty teased. Regulus flipped off the camera once more before looking away from both his phone and his sleeping baby to finish building her crib.
Regulus was not one for hookups, so it had been shocking to wake up in a random bed one morning, not remembering anything from the night before. It had been even more surprising when he figured out he had slept with a girl from one of his classes, Lily Evans. Regulus left quickly after waking, and they never mentioned that night again.
That was until Regulus got a text from a random number stating that it was Lily, and she was currently two months pregnant. Regulus had panicked, so badly that Barty and Evan had came to to his dorm to calm him. Lily revealed to him that she didn’t want to get rid of it, but she would not be able to take care of it for personal reasons which Regulus respected completely. However, Regulus didn’t really want his child to go into foster care or be stuck with anyone that would end up hurting them, so Regulus made a very impulsive decision and told Lily he would raise the baby. She was shocked, but she quickly agreed.
Lily informed Regulus that she would be having a girl, and when he heard that, he broke down entirely. It was mostly because the baby now having a gender made it so much more surreal to him, but he also cried because how was he supposed to raise a little girl? He didn’t even have a sister. Eventually, when it began getting close to Lily’s due date, she invited Regulus to be in the delivery room with her, and Regulus instantly accepted despite the possibility of it being awkward.
Regulus ended up meeting Lily’s girlfriend, Mary Macdonald, and he stood back and watched as Mary tried comforting Lily through labor. Regulus flinched every time Lily would yell; it was filled with so much pain. His hands shook, and he felt guilty for having gotten her pregnant in the first place, even though it was an accident. He didn’t even remember it.
The world had melted away when he heard the baby’s first cry. He watched as doctors quickly moved the baby around, and Regulus caught short glances of his baby’s face. He watched as Lily denied holding her, and Regulus quickly walked forward. He asked to hold her, and he ignored their warnings that she was covered in blood and other fluids that came with childbirth. Regulus ignored them all; he just wanted to hold her, and he eventually got to. She was as small as his forearm, and she was still crying. His heart swelled, and he quietly tried to sooth her. It actually worked as her cries quieted. He watched as his baby girl open and closed her hands around his fingers as he singled them in front of her.
He stayed with Lily in the hospital until both her and the baby were released. He was told multiple times that they could just tell he would be an amazing dad, and he definitely cried a little bit at those words.
They had decided on the name Lynx, Lynx Marie Black.
Regulus was fortunately able to bring her with him to his classes instead of having to leave her with a nanny. He wouldn’t have anyway, no matter what the school said about it. He quickly went from someone who easily flew under everyone’s radars, to someone who everyone noticed. He became a distraction, and he could hear people constantly whispering about him.
He had to leave occasionally if Lynx would end up getting fussy. In those moments, Regulus could feel regret boiling in him, but he snuffed it out as efficiently as he could. He will not hate his child because of his own anxiety. He will not feel anything but love towards his child. Ever. No matter what.
Regulus’s hands shook as he rapidly took notes; he could feel Lynx beginning to get fussy. She wiggled against his chest. He finished that slide of notes quickly, and he began comforting her quietly. It’s been about a month and a half since he brought Lynx back from the hospital, and he was exhausted. He quietly whispered comforts, trying not to be distracting. “Regulus, could you step out for a moment. You’re distracting your peers,” Professor McGonagall asked. Regulus nodded quickly he left his stuff at his seat, grabbing the bag he brought for Lynx. He hurried from the room with he head tilted down.
He waited and waited for Lynx to fall back asleep, but she seemed to be wide awake. He leaned against the wall behind him, and he just silently prayed that the professor remembered to post the notes. He jumped when the bell rang, and he felt Lynx jump too. He quickly started rocking her as people began filing out of the nearby classrooms. He waited until most students were out of his classroom, and he quickly made his way back to his things. He noticed that one of the guys that sits around him had began packing up his things. He rushed forward.
“I can get it! I got it!” Regulus hurried to say. He stopped momentarily when the man looked up at him. He was really pretty. “I can get it myself, you don’t have to do that,” Regulus repeated. He watched as the man just laughed.
“I know I don’t have to, but I’m trying to help you. You could at least be appreciative.” Much like Regulus, the man in front of him also had an accent that was not from around here though Regulus could not place it. Regulus felt himself blushing; he hadn’t meant to be rude.
“I am appreciative,” Regulus grumbled as he moved to finish packing his stuff up. He noticed nothing was out of place. He heard the man chuckle once more.
“Would you let me help you a bit more by giving me your number? I have pictures of the slides you missed,” he asked. Regulus looked up in surprise; he quickly nodded.
He shakily typed his number into the guy’s phone, and he whispered thank you before turning and trying to leave. He was caught by a hand however, “I’m Remus by the way, Remus Lupin. For the contact.”
Remus did end up sending Regulus the slides that Regulus missed, and Regulus generously thanked him for it. They talked briefly about the class before Lynx started crying, and Regulus forgot to respond.
Regulus soon got a facetime call from Pandora. He answered as he carefully fed Lynx. “She looks so calm!” was one of the first things Pandora said. Regulus laughed lightly, and he looked down at his girl. He bounced her gently.
“Oh, Dora! So, I talked to this dude in one of my classes. He sent me pictures of the notes I missed, and he had packed my stuff up after the bell rang,” Regulus explained excitedly. He smiled at his phone. Pandora gave him a look that made him spring into arguments. “Don’t give me that look! It’s not my fault he was hot! He was the one flirting with me. He was being so nice, and he has an accent. He definitely was just trying to be nice though, so I’m not expecting to like continue talking to him. He’s probably straight anyway, and it doesn’t matter if he was pretty or not.”
Pandora just shook her head. “You’re so easy, Reg,” Pandora giggled. Regulus groaned and covered his face with his free hand.
“I am not,” Regulus protested. Regulus heard Pandora laugh abruptly. He looked back to his phone.
“Sure,” she drew out the word, “that’s why your blushing when all this man did was help a dude in his class with a newborn?” That hurt. Regulus’s hands dropped from his face, and he didn’t look towards Pandora. His mood had dropped drastically.
“I need to put Lynx down for her nap,” he quickly moved to hang up. Pandora rushed an apology.
“I didn’t mean it badly, Reg. Come on, you know I’d-“ Pandora disappeared off the screen. Regulus just sat there for a moment, and he thought about his interaction with Remus. It felt different to him now. It felt like pity.
Regulus’s chest squeezed uncomfortably, and he began going to put Lynx down. He stood there and guiltily thought about how many other things he could be doing instead taking care of her all the time. He was frustrated, and tears were welling in his eyes. He forced himself to work on his homework.
Remus often came up to Regulus after their class together, and Regulus would make polite conversation before excusing himself. After about a months of these awkward little conversation and dry text messages, all on Regulus, Remus surprised Regulus by pulling him aside as he went to leave. “I was wondering if you would be interested in going on a date this weekend?” Regulus had froze at Remus’ question. Lynx tried grabbing at Regulus’s face as his brain short circuited. Regulus looked down at her and began wiggling his fingers in front of her face. She tried grabbing them. “You can bring her with you; I’d love to actually meet her,” Remus stated. Regulus looked up at Remus and he felt himself beginning to blush.
“We can try to work something out this weekend, just text me. I do have to go now though,” Regulus hurried. He quickly slipped away. He got about three feet before he all but walked into someone. He got his arms out quick enough that he didn’t squish Lynx between himself and the person he ran into. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” Regulus rushed to say, without really looking up.
“No problem. I wasn’t really paying attention, trying to find a friend, you know?” Regulus looked up towards the man who was talking, and he couldn’t help being surprised. He had accidentally run into one of the guys on the college football team. Regulus was shocked at how nice he was being.
“I’m still sorry, should’ve been paying attention,” Regulus looked down at Lynx who was just staring up at him.
“No, it’s okay. Happens to all of us,” the man replied. Regulus went to leave, but he was stopped by Remus’s voice.
“Regulus? You know James?” Regulus looked back to see Remus staring at them with confusion.
“Oh no, we just ran into each other. You know him?” James questioned. Remus nodded, and Regulus stared between them.
“Yeah, I actually just asked him on a date this weekend,” Remus told James. Regulus looked at the ground as a blush spread across his face. He silently begged the other man not to say something bad about it.
“Oh, Sirius is going to have a fit about that,” James joked. Remus started laughing at the same time that Regulus snapped his head up.
“Sirius?” Regulus asked quietly. James nodded.
“Yeah, he’s one of our friends. Sirius Black, he used to be on the football team too, last year, but some things came up. Do you know him?” James explained. And suddenly Regulus felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was fifteen again with Sirius running away. He was fifteen again suddenly realizing why Sirius left. He was fifteen again, and all he could think about was why his brother left him there.
“I have-“ Regulus blinked rapidly as he took a deep breathe, “I have to go.” Regulus put his head down, and he all but ran through the hallway. The dorms seemed so far away, and it was like Lynx could feel his panic as she began starting to cry. Regulus wrapped an arm tightly around her as he dug his phone out of his pocket with his other hand. He pressed call on the first person that popped up. He turned down a significantly less packed hallway.
“What’s up man?” Evan’s voice emerged from Regulus’s phone.
“Evan. Evan, where are you?” Regulus could hear his voice shaking. Lynx’s cries did not let up.
“I’m in building A, why? What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Evan rushed. Regulus took a deep breath.
“I just- I just need help. I’m having a- a panic attack, I think, and I need someone to take Lynx,” Regulus explained. His legs felt weak, but at least, he knew Even was in his building.
“What happened, Reg? I’m texting the others; where are you?” Regulus took a deep breath and tried to look around.
“I- I don’t know. I’ll just- send you my location.” Regulus did exactly that. He heard Evan’s steps pause before speeding up. Regulus let his eyes slip closed. He tried to focus on Lynx as he rocked his body to try and calm her down. He was getting spacey and overwhelmed.
“Regulus?” Regulus’s eyes snapped open, but he had to blink a few times to focus on who was walking towards him. It was Remus. “Are you okay? Jesus, I thought you had looked panicked.” Regulus just ignored him. He can’t do this right now. He just needs Evan, and it’ll be fine.
“Regulus, who was that?” Evan’s voice filtered through the phone.
“Remus, he asked me on a date earlier. Can you believe that? And to think Pandora-“ Regulus was cut off swiftly by Remus.
“Hey, hey, do you want me to take her?” Regulus gave Remus a confused look before he pointed at Lynx, and Regulus’s brain caught up.
“I’ll be there in just a minute, Regulus. It’s okay. I’ll take her,” Evan hurried. Regulus just nodded though Evan couldn’t see him. He made a negative noise to Remus before he slowly slid to the floor. It was starting to get really hard to focus. He looked down at Lynx. She was still crying. He just stared and thought about how much he’d cry if Sirius ever met her. Sirius.
Regulus panicked when he saw arms reach down for Lynx. He tried pushing them away until they instead grabbed his chin. His face was moved, and suddenly, Evan was there. He smiled up at Evan. He watched as Evan bent down; he felts Evan’s hand slip into the wrap Lynx was tucked into. Suddenly, there was no weight against his chest, and he would’ve cried out if Lynx didn’t come into view in Evan’s arms. “Sirius would like her, you think?” Regulus asked. He watched as Evan’s face morphed, but Regulus’s brain wasn’t moving fast enough to process any of the emotions showing until after they were gone.
“Why are we thinking about Sirius? Is that what this is about, Reg? What happened?” Evan sat in front of Regulus. Regulus just stared as he thought about Evan’s questions.
“How does he know Sirius?” Remus’s voice rang out. Regulus flinched, having forgotten he was there. He saw Evan’s brows furrow.
“How do you know Sirius, Remus?” Evan’s voice was sharp. Regulus watched as Evan turned to look away from Regulus.
“He’s one of my best friends. How does he know him?” Regulus’s eyes drifted off, and he spotted James walking from the end of the hallway. He waved to James.
“Sirius is his asshole brother, and you know what, I think it would be best if you would leave Reg alone from now on,” Evan’s voice was icy sharp.
“No,” Regulus whined, “I like Remus, and James was nice.” Evan’s head whipped to him before turning to find James.
“Are you another one of Sirius’s best friends? You’re welcome to leave if you are,” Evan snapped. Regulus stared at James as his lungs borderline collapsed, and he could feel his hands shaking. He’s fifteen again as Orion’s belt repeatedly hit him, over and over and over, like it never had before. He’s fifteen again wondering why Sirius didn’t take Regulus with him.
Maybe it was because Regulus distanced himself from Sirius. Maybe it was because Sirius had found better people to become his family. It might have been that Regulus wasn’t a very good brother at all. It could have been that Sirius was tired of taking all of Regulus’s punishments for him. Wanted to get rid of that responsibility. Maybe it was because of the punishments. It may have been because of their parents, but then why didn’t he take Regulus too? What if it was because of that stupid insult Regulus yelled at him the night before? What if the reason he was left in that house was because he had never been worth saving in the first place?
“Regulus! Listen to me! You weren’t the problem. It was never your fault. It has always been your parents. Sirius didn’t leave you for something you did!” Evan’s voice rang in Regulus’s ears. Regulus’s senses were flooded all at once. He could feel his nails digging into his arms, and he could feel the weight of Lynx’s empty wrap on his chest. He could feel just how itchy his pants are, and he could feel the cold wall against the back of his head. He squeezed his eyes tighter before letting them slowly slip open. He was met with Evan’s worried face, and it took a second before he noticed the lack of his daughter in his arms. His eyes widened, and he pushed off the wall. “Where-“
“I gave her to Remus; I needed to be able to focus on you. She’s sleepy anyway; he doesn’t have to do much,” Evan explained. Regulus’s eyes frantically tried to find Lynx, and he visibly relaxed when he found Remus holding her, obviously a bit uncomfortable. He laughed slightly before slowly looking back to Evan. He tried relaxing. His head began falling forward, but Evan caught it with a palm to his forehead.
“You’re very out of it, Reg. Barty, Pandora, and Dorcas are on their way. I forgot to tell you that before. They’re almost here,” Evan explained in a light voice. Regulus just gave his friend a smile. He slowly looked around the room. He found James first, and he found that he very much liked looking at James. His skin was beautiful, and his bone structure looked like it was crafted my the gods. He just stared at the beautiful man, tracing each of his features with his gaze. He watched James notice his staring, but James just adverted his eyes.
Suddenly, Dorcas Meadows’s face appeared in his vision. He furrowed his brows, and he tried looking past her, tried to find James again. Dorcas was holding his shoulders though. “Hello, Love. Yeah, I know; I’m so mean. You’re really going to embarrass yourself if you keep trying to look at him. Especially considering his friend just asked you on a date.” Regulus slouched down in response. “Evan really wasn’t joking. Barty and Pandora have pulled up to the nearest exit; he’s driving us to the dorms,” Dorcas explained. Regulus felt her arms slide under his own as she began to pick him up, but she didn’t get very far as Regulus didn’t know he was supposed to help her. Regulus hummed to himself slightly, accidentally ignoring the conversation going on around him. He jumped when new arms slipped around him, and his feet were no longer touching the floor. He tried to find the perpetrator, and he relaxed when he saw James.
“Hi!” Regulus said happily. James was so very pretty up close.
“Hello. I have to admit this was not the way I envisioned today panning out,” James replied, laughing lightly without looking down. Regulus bit the inside of his cheek.
“Go ahead and put him in the back; who’s going to hold Lynx? Regulus walks between classes, so her car seat is still in his dorm. Put him against the door. Evan, you want to-“ Regulus felt the floor materialize below him. He looked at James in alarm. James smiled down at him, and Regulus had to look away. His gaze found Barty, and he relaxed as he noticed he was being put in Barty’s car. He felt the door behind him and he tried inching forward. Not wanting to bump against it. He saw James’s brows furrow in confusion. He let James try to nudge him over again, but he continued to scoot away from the door. What if it just came open as they were driving, and he just fell out?
“What’s wrong, Regulus?” Regulus grabbed James’s shoulder when he kept nudging Regulus toward the door.
“Open, and I fall out,” in order to get his point across, Regulus fell forward. James grabbed his shoulders swiftly.
“Okay, well- um,” James looked lost. “He doesn’t want to sit against the door,” James raised his voice, and he looked behind himself. Regulus heard a loud sigh before he watched as the door he would’ve been laying against did in fact open. Before Regulus would see anyone, he looked back to James.
“See! Then I fall! I would have fallen!” Regulus said throwing his arms up. Regulus watched as a smile grew on James face.
“Reggie, I’ll sit here, and I’ll make sure the door doesn’t open,” Evan stated from behind him. Regulus turned around and looked at Evan.
“What about James? Where does James go?” Regulus questioned, sounding childish.
“James isn’t coming with us, Reg.” Regulus furrowed his brows and turned back to James. He was gone!
“James! James!” Regulus yelled, scared. James was hot and nice. Pandora appeared in front of him. All thoughts of James started to disappear. “Remus asked me on a date! And you said he was only being kind to a random dude with a baby! He wasn’t; he- he was in- interested in me,” Regulus’s voice floated off. Maybe, he was still only being nice. It was probably out of pity.
“You really need to rest, Regulus. You’re not in a good state right now,” Pandora softly said to him. Regulus relaxed back into Evan. In what felt like seconds, Regulus was out.
Regulus had panicked when he woke up as he couldn’t remember much of what happened the day before. As it came back to him, he began wishing it hadn’t. What didn’t help was Regulus had absolutely no texts from Remus. He found Lynx sleeping in her crib, and he just went to lay back down.
So, biggest thing that came from yesterday was that Regulus now knew how to get ahold of Sirius. He knew Sirius was living somewhere around here, and he goes to school here. He knew nothing about his major or his life, but he knew more about Sirius now than he had since fifteen. Regulus felt his chest begin to squeeze. He felt like he was on the verge of choking. His ears began to ring. It felt like his vision began to tunnel.
A sharp cry burst through the ringing, and Regulus flinched. It took his mind a moment to come to the conclusion that Lynx was the one making the noise, and for the first time ever, Regulus had to fight himself in order to get up and care for her. It was as if he was trying to move through mud, but he slowly went through the motions. Diaper change. Bottle. Burp. Rock. It felt as if it took hours to get her back to bed. He all but collapsed back into his bed. He stared at the boring walls of his dorm room, and he had no idea how much time passed before she began to cry again.
Regulus’s entire body jolted alert when banging came from the door to his room. “Regulus!” Barty’s voice rang throughout his room. Regulus hurried to get up and let his friend in, so he didn’t wake up Lynx.
“Oh shit, Reg.” Regulus could barely bring himself to look at Barty, let alone ask what he was talking about; he just walked back to his bed. He was just about to lay down when he heard Lynx begin to cry, and Regulus broke. His breathing began to speed up, and he squeezed his eyes closed. His felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. He felt like he was swallowing around a rock, and fear flooded his senses.
He felt something tight attach to his wrist, and his eyes snapped open. His vision blurred, and there were splotches of black.
“You’re okay.” He was gasping. “Regulus,” He stared wide eyed at the new green dye in Barty’s hair. “Listen to me.” His ears were ringing. “Reggie.” Gasp. Gasp. Gasp. “Come on breathe.” Barty came closer, and suddenly, there was pressure around Regulus’s chest, Barty’s arms. He fought it for a second before sinking into them. He knees buckled, and the arms tightened around him. He was lowered to the ground, and Barty’s hand began slowly brushing through his hair. Barty was speaking softly to Regulus though he couldn’t make out what was being said; it was incredibly soothing. Regulus was able to breathe again, and his eyes began to droop.
Lynx’s cry broke through Barty’s soothing voice, and Regulus flinched. He jumped up and away from Barty. How long had she been crying? He’s such a bad dad? He’s turning into his parents.
Regulus bent down and grabbed his daughter. He brought her to his chest and gently rocked her; he looked up to the ceiling while trying to calm his breathing. There were tears sliding down his face. He felt Barty’s hand slip back into his hair, and his chin settled in the crook of Regulus’s neck. Barty began gently whispering, “She didn’t die. She’s okay. A little crying won’t kill her, Reg. You constantly overworking yourself and spiraling out of control can wreck both of you. Take some time for yourself, honey, and let us help you. we love you.” Regulus took a deep breath, and he tried to relax. She’s okay. She’s not even crying anymore. Her crying to a little bit did not end the world. She is not abused just because he took a moment.
He looked down at his daughter, and he realized how stressed he had become trying to be the perfect dad for her. Sirius was only the tipping point. He missed his brother yes, but it was so much more. It was making sure he was not becoming his parents. It was not making Lynx feel abandoned. It was showing her love. It was keeping up his grades, so he could make a living. It was so many different things.
He brought Lynx out in front of him, and he watched as she giggled and tried to reach for him. A smile grew on his face, and he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. “She’s okay,” Barty reminded him. Regulus nodded in acknowledgment, and he turned to face Barty. Lynx reached to him when she saw him. Barty looked to him before reaching down and taking her. He bounced her and began telling her an extravagant and completely untrue story. Regulus watched them for a minute longer before going to lay down.
He found his phone on the floor next to his bed, and he grabbed it. His had eight missed calls from Barty, a handful from his other friends, and many text messages. One stuck out though; there was one from an unknown number. He quickly unlocked his phone as he settled into a comfortable position in his bed. ‘Are you okay? I got your number from Remus.‘ Regulus furrowed his eye brows. Who was that?
Oh. Right.
‘I’m fine. Sorry about that whole thing.’ Regulus took a deep breath and went to set his phone down, but a buzz caused him to pause.
‘No need to apologize. If you need anything, feel free to send me a text. Even if it’s just food or something.’ Regulus rolled his eyes and sat his phone down, but he couldn’t prevent himself from feeling cared for. He begrudgingly snatched his phone back up, and typed a quick message before adding James to his contact list.
‘Thank you.’