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-1971-

The first time Sirius leaves home he doesn’t know what it will be like. His little brother won’t be right by his side anymore. They have always been together. Never apart since the day Regulus was born. He’s nervous to do it all on his own. He won’t dare show that though. 

The first people Sirius meet become his best friends. He latches on to them instantly. None of them left anyone behind so they don’t know what it’s like. But he loves them all the same. He doesn’t talk about Regulus for a while, he doesn’t know how to. Not when his new friends wouldn’t understand. Instead he finds ways to grow closer and bond with them. They talk and laugh and in no time they have inside jokes of their own. All day long, even when they are supposed to be paying attention in classes, he and James laugh in sync. 

(Would Regulus laugh too?)

The first month he’s gone, he distracts himself as much as he can. Taking an interest in some classes, though mostly surrounding himself with people that make him happy. At night though, he writes and he writes and he writes. He tells Regulus about every little joke made during that day, he tells him about the halls at school and the dormitory and what he had for breakfast. No detail is too small or too vague to include in his letters. Mostly he tells him that he misses him. 

Each morning before anyone else is awake he runs down to send the letter off. He makes it back upstairs and into bed before anyone notices and then pretends to wake up late after everyone. Each morning down at breakfast he waits and he waits for his owl to come and drop a letter in front of him. It never happens. 

The cycle continues. He doesn’t let anyone know that he’s waiting on his little brother to write him back. No one even knows that he has a little brother. Not because he’s ashamed of him or he doesn’t want to talk about him. It’s just that Regulus is his and he misses him. He’s the one person he wants to talk to more than anything and the one person he can’t talk to at all right now. So during the day he just thinks about him. 

It isn’t until one morning that he’s caught trying to go out to send the letter he spent all night writing. It’s a girl in his year. They haven’t talked much, just a few times during classes or passing food down the table at meals. Her name is Lily, she’s much quieter than Sirius and his friends. That’s probably why they never talk. 

“Where are you off to?”

“Oh, sending a letter.” He holds it up from where he tucked it in the waistband of his pajama bottoms. 

She steps closer. “Who is it to?” 

“My brother.” For some reason he doesn’t mind saying it now, he wants a reason to talk about him. 

(He misses him. ) 

“I wish I could write to my sister.” 

Something goes off in his head. Not an alarm bell, but something better. She understands this part of him. She understands how he feels. Like he has a missing limb. Part of his is unattached and he desperately needs to get it back. Those few words open the flood gates. This is someone he can talk to about it. This is just the start. Someone here will understand Regulus finally. Maybe after this he can even talk to more of his friends about him. 

“He hasn’t written back all term. I wish he would.” It doesn’t hurt him to admit it, not to someone who understands how it feels. 

“Want some company sending the letter off?” Lily offers him a smile, it takes some of the weight off him. 

It becomes a routine with them. Every morning when Sirius comes down, no matter how early it is, she’s there waiting. At first they don’t talk much on their walks. Just enjoying the company of someone who understands. They share the burden of not being able to actually talk to their siblings, even without talking to each other. 

Eventually that changes. After the first week of that, they start telling each other of their siblings. Sirius starts, he could talk about Regulus for hours. Over time he does. It starts small. Talking about how they are always by each other’s side at home. How they have been ever since they were small. About the pillow forts they would make way past their bedtimes. Or the nights they would spend searching for their own stars in the sky. Slowly he revealed more, talked about him more deeply. No one understood the other like they did. All they needed was each other. 

Lily knows how that feels. It takes her longer to open up, but she does. Nothing of much substance at first. The way her sister would braid her hair for her, how they would curl up together on the sofa even though it was more than big enough for both of them, that she always thought her sister to be the smartest person ever. 

It isn’t until a while later that they put it together. Or that Sirius realizes the difference between them. He’s missing his little brother and she’s missing her big sister. They are opposite sides of opposite coins. Rather than the same side. They understand each other, but only to a certain extent. At least they can be there for each other when their siblings aren’t. 

“Has he still not written back?” Lily asks one day. 

He shakes his head. 

“Maybe there’s a reason.” She offers. “Tuney would write if she could. At least I hope she would.” 

“She would.” He confirms.

Sirius has been writing. He hasn’t missed a day of sending letters to his little brother. If her big sister could, she would be. To his core he knows that. It’s just what an older sibling does. 

Each day he waits for a letter that doesn’t come. Until one day one does. His birthday. Two months into term he gets a letter finally. Any sadness he has around not getting one before now disappears behind the joy of this one. Sirius nearly jumps out of his seat. He holds back for a moment, but locks eyes across the table with Lily and his heart pounds in his chest. Month of waiting for a letter and he finally has one. He’s one of the only ones at their table that hasn’t received anything. But not anymore. 

“Who is it from?” James tries to peer over his shoulder. 

He normally wouldn’t mind, but he pulls away. No one else gets to read this. It’s just for him. 

Sirius,

Happy birthday. I wish you were here to celebrate, but I’ll be with you there for your next birthday.

Love, Regulus

That’s all it is. So short. Barely anything. It doesn’t feel like little Reggie wrote this, but it’s his handwriting. He knows that much for sure. It just doesn’t say anything about any of the letters he has sent. Or why this is the first time he’s written. This is all it says, but he holds the letter close to his chest. Cradling it and savoring the scraps of his brother that he gets. 

It takes until the end of breakfast for him to look up again. His friends have all gone back to talking around him. He faintly hears them talk about how they are going to celebrate Sirius’ birthday tonight. He never got elaborate birthdays, but he has one tradition. This will be the first year he breaks it. He should be at home building a fort with Regulus and eating sweets they stole. Lily watches, she doesn’t take her eyes off of him. 

(She understands, just not entirely.) 

When he goes home for the holidays, something immediately feels off. Regulus doesn’t run to him. His parents don’t even look in his direction. When he sits at the table for dinner, he is ignored. Never referred to by name, while Regulus is showered with praise. He is being groomed to be their perfect child. He was supposed to be that, but Sirius knows that could never have been him. The nail in the coffin was his sorting at school. 

All holiday they hardly talk. It stings. Sirius can barely breathe. Still, on Regulus’ birthday, just after the clock strikes midnight, he gathers all of his pillows and blankets in his arms and finds the sweets that James gave him before leaving and goes to his door. It’s open a crack, so he slips in. His brother doesn’t acknowledge him. He doesn’t ask him to leave. He just sits there staring out the window. 

“Happy birthday Reggie!” He throws everything down in front of him softly. 

Regulus doesn’t look at him. 

“I have new sweets for you. I don’t think we ever had these before, but James loves them!” He tries again. It fails. 

Instead he just curls himself up and rolls to face away from him. Shutting him out. He doesn’t understand why. But still, he doesn’t leave. He stays sitting there in silence with him for hours, nearly falling asleep a few times. Sirius knows he has to leave before it’s morning again, but he stays until almost then. Just when the sky outside starts to lighten, when it will still be dark enough in the halls, he grabs everything but the bag of sweets and goes back to his room. 

Today Regulus turns eleven and his parents will give him the letter that comes. From the sidelines, he watches as his brother’s face lights up at the letter telling him he will be going to school next year. He watches as the excitement grows and grows. He watches as Regulus looks at him out of the corner of his eye and then back to their mother. He watches as she scolds him, but he’s powerless to do anything to help him now. It’s brief, hardly anything comparatively. All she tells him is that he’s to follow the family, not Sirius, next year. 

That hurts. 

Regulus doesn’t say goodbye when he’s leaving for the train this time. Sirius looks for him, but not as hard as he should. 

-1972-

All of spring term he continues writing the letters. Maybe if he writes enough then something will get through to him. Lily still walks with him each morning to send them, and she sees as none come in return. Still she’s there and she tries to understand. 

It takes weeks for them to tell each other about their holidays. Neither of them seem to want to bring it up. It’s too difficult. Though on the night of Lily’s birthday they end up sitting in the common room together talking while everyone else laughs and has fun around them. 

“I wish I had Petunia here today. It’s my first birthday away from her.” Lily whispers. 

“What do you normally do with her?” 

She lights up as she shares. “We would have breakfast in bed, our dad would make it. Whoever’s birthday it was, the other would climb in with them. Then we would get up and open presents. The birthday girl would get to pick if we played with any of the new toys or if we did something else. The best was at night though. The last minutes of the day we would hug so that each year started off good.”

Her voices waivers and she looks away. Off to the side, keeping her face as out of view as she can. 

“Do you think this will be a bad year because I don’t have her here?” 

“No. It’ll be good. I’ve got you now. Petunia would hold you tonight if she could.” This year he takes over the tradition even if he isn’t as good as her sister. 

Their first year, Lily and Sirius lean on each other. They don’t know any better. All that matters is that they were able to find someone here who understands. Maybe they don’t have their siblings but at least they have each other. That has to count for something. 

Everyone is great, Sirius doesn’t want to leave for the most part. He does however want to get back to his brother. If he could have his friends all summer and his brother that would be better. Next year. He keeps telling himself that. Next year when Regulus is at school too, then he can have it all. Reggie can meet his friends and they never have to do this again. 

He’s so excited, but he doesn’t tell anyone. Not even Lily. Her sister won’t be coming next year. She won’t be coming at all. So he would feel guilty rubbing it in. Though next year when he’s here, she’ll be happy for him. It will be good, he’s sure of it. It has to be. 

The next year at school is not better. He doesn’t have Regulus. They get separated again and he doesn’t cross the barrier built between them. All last year Sirius put in the effort, it was Regulus who shut him out so he should be the one to put in the effort. He doesn’t. This year Sirius doesn’t have to send any letters. He can just look across the room and see him, though he doesn’t ever look back up. 

It hardly takes any time for Lily to notice. She pulls him aside and tells him it will be okay. Tells him that maybe he’s upset now, but that a younger sibling will always love their older sibling. He doesn’t know if he believes her. She doesn’t know Regulus, she doesn’t see the way he looks at him. They still sit with each other every morning even without the walks to send letters. It’s a habit neither of them want to break. 

It doesn’t take away from the sting he still feels in his chest. Knowing that Regulus is right here but won’t talk to him. Avoids him in the halls. He’s taking after their parents and shutting him out. When he’s with Lily each morning it’s the only time he lets himself think about it. Otherwise it would overwhelm him. It would take over every fiber of his being the way that he hates him and loves him in the same breath. Even with her Sirius hardly talks about him. It’s hard no matter what. And any feelings he has on the subject are complicated. 

Most mornings they just sit with each other now. Sometimes Lily talks about her sister, but that’s hard for her too. They apparently didn’t have the best summer together. She hasn’t gone much into it. All he knows is that she was so excited to go home at the end of last year and she came back a bit sad. Still missing Petunia, but no longer dying to be able to talk to her or send letters home. 

One day in the halls he finds Regulus walking alone. Perhaps this is his chance to talk to him. “Reggie!” He calls out, hopeful. 

“What do you want?” The younger one sneers. 

“I want- What’s your problem? Why are you being like this with me?” He wants to scream. 

“Me? You chose for it to be like this.”

“What do you mean?”

Regulus sighs and composes himself. “You didn’t write at all last year. You left me behind. So I’m just following what you decided and being the son Mother wants me to be.”  

It’s been twisted. That’s not what happened. He didn’t choose this. He wrote to him. Over and over again. Lily knows it, she watched him send nearly every single letter. All he knows is that this means Regulus never got them and he thinks this is his fault. Maybe it is. Maybe he didn’t do enough. He got sorted differently than the family, but he’s happy there. A year ago, or before he went to school, Regulus would have been happy for him too. 

“That’s not what happened.” Is all he can manage to say, choking on the words, but his brother is already turning to leave. 

His chest pounds intensely. Hate. Love. A combination of the two. 

I hate him. I love him. I hate him. I hate him.I hate him.I hate him.I hate him. 

(But most of all he just wants him back.) 

From there he tries not to think about him. He throws himself into his friends. They are everything to him. But they aren’t brothers. He’ll never replace his brother. For a few days following that conversation, he doesn’t get up early. He doesn’t go down to meet Lily for their morning chats. Sirius doesn’t say anything about it. He just wants to sleep in like his friends all think he does. 

One morning he sleeps in so late that they start to get concerned. He’s been distracted, barely there. He wakes to James shaking him, while Peter and Remus look on. He never wants to seem weak. All his life he’s learned to shove things into boxes in his mind. That’s what he spends that day doing. Sitting through classes physically, but mentally he’s organizing and filing away everything about his brother. So that no one has to wonder why he’s lost in his head or why he’s half a person sometimes. 

It helps him to have more fun at school. From then on he doesn’t walk the halls looking to see if Regulus will be around the corner. He doesn’t try to talk to him again. They’ll see each other when they go home for holiday, but that’s it. If he doesn’t want to reach out, then that’s fine. He has people who want him. That have chosen him as their friend instead of being born his brother. 

He does start going with Lily again. She doesn’t ask why he stopped for a time, she just welcomes him back. For the most part at least. 

Though one day she brings it up. “You didn’t come like you usually do for nearly a week.”

“I- you’re right. I didn’t mean to.” 

“Why?”

“I don’t have a good reason.” 

(Regulus. It’s because of Regulus.) 

“So not because of me?”

“No of course not.”

They don’t talk about it again. Lily doesn’t mention how she felt abandoned by him even just briefly. Sirius doesn’t tell anyone about the conversation he had with his brother. 

Things grow tense almost, hesitant, cautious, between them. Neither sure how to navigate it all quite right. They’re still young, still learning. They come from very different lives even aside from one being the youngest and one being the oldest. They make it work as best they can. Though it is rocky at times. 

No one understands them better than each other, but they hardly speak the same language as it is. 

-1973-

Over the course of the spring of second year, Sirius grows even closer to James. Of course they were inseparable first year, and more so after returning from summer holiday, but still. They are hardly seen without the other. They do all of the same things and sit with each other in every class. They do speak the same language. They can read each other’s minds and they breathe in sync. It’s effortless. 

One day someone says they act like brothers. James lights up at this, though Sirius stares blankly ahead. Bile rises in his throat, but he holds it down. Out in the open is hardly a place to deal with complex feelings like this. Though he never gets the chance even at night to work through it. The curtains around his bed peel open late in the night and James crawls in. Not for the first time and definitely not the last. But this is not one of his favorite moments shared liked this. 

“Did you hear when they said we’re like brothers?” Sirius barely manages a nod. “I’ve always wanted a brother. My mum could barely have me, so I didn’t get any siblings. But now I have you.”

(He feels like he’s dying.) 

“Oh. I have a brother.” 

“I know that, but we could be too.”

“I’m not replacing him. He’s- no. I love you James but you’re not my brother.” He doesn’t mean to be harsh. Really, he doesn’t. 

“Oh. that’s okay. What’s it like?”

“Having a brother?”

“Yeah. You don’t talk about him much, but if you want to you can.”

There’s a reason he doesn’t. No one would understand. He does try. That night he talks about Regulus to him, though he keeps his favorite memories close to his chest. Those all live in a separate box in his mind that no one else can see. He does however talk about what Regulus is like and how they were always together when they could be at home until Sirius came to school. James listens intently, genuinely wanting to hear more. He would be a good brother, he thinks.

He can talk about him more easily, though still infrequent. When he passes him in the halls, he tries to make eye contact. Just to test and see if there’s anything. But Regulus finds his own way, he makes his own friends, he does everything exactly as mother would want. He appears to be studying often, always looking presentable, never once in detention. It’s only Sirius who is imperfect. That only makes the hole in his chest grow. 

By the end of the year neither he or Lily talk about their siblings, until the day before the train home. “I’m nervous about seeing Tuney again.’

“Why?”

“What if she’s moved on even more?  Last summer she spent more time with her new friends than with me.” 

“She misses you.” It only makes sense to him that way. 

(He misses Regulus every day even when he’s with his friends. They don’t replace him. They never could, not really. That’s his little brother, no one else can ever be his little brother. Older siblings never replace their younger ones.) 

Then he adds, “Do you think Regulus will talk to me at home when he hasn’t all term?” 

“Why wouldn’t he?” She says easily, like there isn’t a world between him and Regulus. 

It’s like he hardly knows him now, that’s his little brother but at the same time, who is he? He looks exactly like the boy he raised, like he baby that made him a brother, like his best friend of the first eleven years of his life. But who is he now? Someone else is wearing his little brother's face. Will he recognize the voice coming from him over the summer, if he talks to him at all that is. 

“I don’t know.” He barely whispers. 

No one else would understand this. Even Lily doesn’t quite get it. It’s just… Regulus. He’s Regulus. He’s a little boy that’s growing up all wrong. Exactly as their parents want him to, but that’s not right. He’s supposed to follow in Sirius’ footsteps. It would be better for him. Or he should at least be his own person. make his own choices and mistakes. Find his own joy. It could be so easy for him to do that. And then he wouldn’t be pulling away. there wouldn’t be such a divide. 

It’s not his fault. It’s not. Somewhere in his mind he knows that. Lily seems to think it’s not either. that he’s just doing his best. Like Sirius is too. That’s all either of them can do. It’s just that sometimes those are no where near the same thing. Their paths barely even cross where they are heading now. Two ships, steering away from each other. Not passing in the night, not passing ever. Maybe they will again, he hopes they will. 

The two months they have away from school are awful. Sirius misses his friends. It’s most of what he thinks about. That and Regulus. Though Regulus is within his sights. He can keep an eye on him and that helps him to not miss him. Helps, but doesn’t completely eradicate the feeling. Though what he misses isn't him exactly, it’s something else.

Something that he will never get back. 

They hardly talk, but there have been times where they end up laughing together. By mistake. One of them making a remark under their breath, the other catching it and blowing air from their nose in place of laughter. The rarer of times, they exchange a few words and a chuckle. It can only last until either of them look up and catch the other’s eyes. 

The week before they go back to school, the talking stops entirely. Regulus goes to talk with Mother and Father more frequently. They have things to talk to him about apparently. He has no idea what they are. What could a twelve year old boy possibly need to be lectured on for a week straight? Not when he’s that specific boy, the perfect little Regulus. Sirius is never invited into these conversations. 

For the better. Nothing Walburga has to say would really be worthwhile to him. She hates everything that Sirius does, and Sirius hates everything she forces on him. On Regulus too. she doesn’t know what’s best for them. Sirius knows what is best for himself and Regulus has yet to learn that skill. Still, Sirius pushes all of it back. He spends that week reorganizing the compartments in his mind preparing to leave again. Preparing for how things are at school and filing away the worst parts of the summer. Figuring out how to navigate it all again. 

When he gets on the train he seeks out his friends. In desperate need of a reprieve. Regulus does the same. 

(Neither Sirius nor Lily find each other. Neither Sirius nor Lily talk about their summers. Neither Sirius nor Lily mention their siblings.) 

Not for a long while. It’s too hard. It doesn’t make sense to anyone else. The way Sirius hates his brother just as much as he loves him. It’s not his fault it’s difficult. It’s not his fault he’s been cast off. He wouldn’t know what to say anyway. He could be screaming and yelling and pounding on the glass but everyone would still be seeing him from the outside. Not truly understanding. They aren’t able to. 

Instead, Sirius does the only thing he can think to do. He pushes everything to the back of his mind, deeper and more hidden even, and throws himself into his friends. The more time he spends with them, the less time he has to let thoughts about his brother and his family slip in. None of that matters to his friends. They couldn’t care less where he comes from or about the life he was meant to live. 

(He feels free. )

It creates two versions of him. The Sirius that he used to be, the little boy with his even littler brother following behind him, and the Sirius that walks with his head held high with his best friends by his side. The two don’t mix, they aren’t the same, they can’t be. There’s just one thing the two Sirius’ have in common. 

They are both older brothers. Nothing in the world can change that. From the day Regulus was born, Sirius has been a brother and he will be one long after either of them die.

He tries not to think about that if he can help it. Most of the time it’s successful. Sirius has more than enough on his mind. Between classes and his friends and learning how to enjoy life. There’s not much time for things like that. Just at night when he can’t sleep, at night when he looks out the window at the stars and knows that Regulus can’t see them from his dormitory, at night when he can close his eyes and feel like he’s still back at Grimmauld Place. At night, until James starts to crawl into his bed or Sirius crawls into his, until he stops feeling the pang of loneliness. 

He isn’t really alone anyway. 

Every day he wakes up as if the previous night didn’t happen. He floats through his day riding out all of the little highs he can find. Playing pranks in the halls on unsuspecting students and professors, continuing to goof off even once they are serving detention. Weekend days spent in Hogsmeade where even if they were speaking, Regulus couldn’t be. He’s only in second year. All of the places he can’t be are safe to him. 

Sitting in the Gryffindor common room, surrounded by his people, he hardly misses him. There would be no way for him to be sitting here. So missing him is pointless. Not when he has so many others here. Not when he is happy here. 

Were there places that he used to be happy that Regulus also was? It starts to blur for him, though he doesn’t remember when he started to question it. One day it was just unknown, did it ever used to be certain? Sirius was never happy in that house, not the way he’s happy here. He’s at ease and can truly relax. What’s it like down in the dungeons? Is Regulus happy?

It’s all in his head and that’s perfectly fine. Explaining his thoughts has never worked before, it wouldn’t now. Unlike his own happiness, he knows exactly when he stops questioning if anyone would understand, when that becomes certain. 

One night he tunes into the conversation in the middle. Too mesmerized by the light from the fire on one side of him and the stars shining through the window of the common room. 

“I miss home, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to go back for just a day or two when we want to?” James asks. 

This is home. But then again James grew up with loving parents, he’s their only baby, their darling boy. They care, they love, they pour all that they have into him. Of course he misses that. Would he feel the same if he had siblings that don’t understand him?

“Here feels like home too, with all of us together.” Lily contradicts him, just as she tends to do. 

“Exactly. Why woul-”

“I still miss home though. I just have two now.” She adds and his heart sinks. 

When no one else understands the complexity of home he expects Lily to. She’s felt the pang in her chest when she’s not wanted, when she’s too different. When she doesn’t quite fit in and is both too much and not enough for them. Right? Or was none of that true?

“Two homes. I like thinking of it like that.” 

All of their friends seem to agree, everyone is nodding. Except Sirius. He only has this. He only has one. 

He doesn’t talk again all night. 

This year he doesn’t go home for Christmas, instead he stays at school. His parents take no issue with it, they seem rather pleased they won’t have to deal with him. The castle is mostly empty over those two weeks. Sirius hadn’t told any of his friends that he would be staying behind, not wanting to talk about it. He haunts the halls more than the ghosts do. If this is his home, why does it feel just as cold as the house he grew up in when he’s alone? 

The morning of Regulus’ birthday he wakes up as if it’s any other day. He remembers what day it is and goes back to sleep until the next day. It’s the first year they aren’t together on his little brother’s birthday and he would rather not be awake to deal with that. It’s not as if he can do anything now.

How did it end up like this? 

The rest of the holiday he sleeps on and off. There’s not much else to do and it makes the time pass faster. It brings him closer and closer to the return of all of his friends to the castle. Closer to people who want to be around him. Closer to people who make him smile. 

-1974-

It all comes before he knows it. The others trampling into the room, assuming he just arrived first and not that he stayed. They’re all simply happy to be back together. It’s James that grabs his arm and drags him down the stairs to the common room where the rest of their year is sitting. Sirius barely pays attention to the various accounts of their holidays at home. His eyes land on the fire and he watches it intently, getting lost in it. 

He doesn’t want to hear about all of the presents they got from their loving parents or about the fun days playing in the snow. He would rather not hear any of it. This isn’t him wishing misery upon all of them, but they should want him to be happy too. Aren’t friends supposed to do that?

Lily moves to sit next to him at some point, he only notices when she starts to talk to him. About her sister of course. They both can only seem to talk about these things with each other. No one else understands even slightly. She talks about how Petunia wouldn’t talk about anything she wanted, she didn’t care to hear about Hogwarts or Magic or anything of the sort. She instead spent the holiday listening to tales of boys her sister likes and the muggle school she attends. 

She feels like they are strangers living lives that don’t intersect. 

But they do intersect. She still sees Petunia, she still talks to Petunia. 

(Things he can’t say for himself about his brother.) 

His fists clench and the fire roars in front of him. There’s no way to prove it happened because he got angry, but it’s not the first time its happened. Its been weeks since he saw Regulus, he missed his birthday, he wasn’t welcome there even to talk about whatever his brother wanted. 

As angry as it makes him he lets Lily talk. It’s a misunderstanding, it seems like her sister was making an effort. Maybe not a good one, but older siblings don’t have anyone to teach them. They don’t have a blueprint for how things should go. She was doing her best with Lily and there’s not much more to expect. It seems like Lily is expecting perfection from her older sister, but that’s not fair. 

He doesn’t say anything when she finishes her stories. Or venting, or ranting, or rambling. Whatever you like to call it. Sirius doesn’t have much to say. Not about how he thinks Lily is being unfair or about himself. He hadn’t gone home, so there’s nothing new to say there. Part of him wonders if she would think him selfish for staying here. But he brushes the thought off, knowing better than to pick a fight that would never end.

A few weeks go by. It’s toward the end of January the first time anyone mentions Regulus to him. Odd, but he isn’t bringing up his brother either. So everyone just follows his lead it seems. It helps him keep things separate in his mind, it helps him to find ways to be happy despite the part of him that may never feel full again. 

It’s at breakfast where Lily nudges him. Well, she nudges him after Peter tries and so does James. What none of them see is that he’s perfectly content in his conversation with Remus, he doesn’t need to look up and see his brother over at his table. He knows his brother looks over this way sometimes. He’s not sure if it’s because he wants to or if it’s for their mother that he does, but Sirius isn’t going to let him have anything in case it’s the latter. 

“Sirius.” She says over and over, still nudging him not so subtly. 

“I’m in the middle of a conversation. What do you need?” He bites harsh, though not without reason. 

“It’s just- he’s staring over here.” Lily sighs. “You might like to look up, or perhaps see if he has something to talk to you about.”

“He doesn’t. I’m just fine right here.”

“But…”

This time he intentionally lowers his voice, not lashing out, just speaking exactly what he’s thinking. “No. He’s not you and I’m not Petunia.” 

That’s how breakfast goes, and it just ends there. They all get up and head towards their first class that day and he doesn’t let Lily catch him alone the rest of the day. Not that she would have a particularly hard time saying anything to him in front of his friends, but neither of them tend to talk about their unique situations with anyone other than each other. No one else understands. 

(Not like they do. They see each other, they know each other. Not perfectly, not wholly, but enough. More than anyone else of their friends. )

The next day, he’s not sure why, but he goes down before breakfast. Just like they used to, back when he still had letters to send in first year. It’s been a while since they kept up the routine, but there she is sitting on the sofa. As if she’s waiting for him. Maybe she’s always there even if he isn’t. That brings a pang to his chest that he knows better than to ignore. 

Normally it would be a comfort to see her. Now, he knows he upset her. He hates to upset her. Sirius won’t apologize for this though, he meant it. He’s only sorry that it hurt her the way it seems to have. Lily’s face doesn’t light up at the sight of him but she instead solemnly nods at the chair next to her, inviting him to sit. He does, quietly. 

“Why did you ignore him?” She talks first. 

“Ignore who?” He sneers. 

At that Lily sighs and shakes her head. “We both know you were ignoring your brother. Why? Don’t you want to talk to him?”

“Of course I want to talk to him. He doesn’t want to talk to me.” 

“That’s now how it seemed yesterday.”

Sirius has to bite his tongue. That’s rich coming from her. How would she know what he wants or how things are between them? It’s like she hasn’t paid attention to anything he’s ever said about him. They go to the same school and he doesn’t even make an effort. Sirius on the other hand, tried. He tried and tried and came up empty. It would be insane to keep trying only to have the outcome be the same every time. 

“Right well, if you’re sure he wants to talk to me, then why didn’t he? What’s stopping him?” He raises his eyebrows waiting for her. 

“It looked like he wanted you to acknowledge him first. To know that you want to talk to him too.” 

“He knows I do! I was never the one who stopped.” 

He didn’t change. Sirius is who he has always been. He’s an older brother that loves his baby brother. He’s true to himself, not confirming to what is expected of him. That’s always been true. What doesn’t Regulus get? His little Reggie should know he can always talk to Sirius. He used to at least. Nothing changed for him, so it must have for Regulus. It kills him. 

“How is he supposed to know that if you don’t show him?” She nearly yells. “I thought you knew better. God, Sirius you’re all the same.” 

Lily doesn’t specify what she means, she doesn’t have to. He knows, but she’s wrong. About him and about Petunia. He would give anything and everything to his little brother, he can ask for anything and he would give it. Anything. All he knows is taking care of him and protecting him and loving him.

He decides it would be best if he doesn’t harp on the words Lily used. She didn’t mean it. She doesn’t understand what it’s like being an older sibling. How could she? She’s only ever been the younger. So after about a week of being upset about it, he just stops. Shoved it away in his mind and resumed how things usually are. 

Which for most of the spring term has been going to Hogsmeade any chance he gets, laughing through the halls with his friends, and sometimes going down early in the morning to sit and exist with Lily. They get back into a routine, often not saying anything anymore, but still giving each other the presence they need to almost fill the void. To fill the absence left by others.

It doesn’t make up for the lack of Regulus and that’s not necessarily what he’s trying to do. If he was, perhaps James would be his pick. He’s always wanted a brother. But he’s not replacing him and he never will replace him. It’s complicated and wouldn’t make sense to anyone else. 

Except Lily. Because they are two puzzle pieces that fit together but are from different puzzles. A lid that fits but doesn’t match. A shoe for each foot that don’t belong to a pair. It’s complicated, you see. 

Spring goes on and Sirius finds ways to be happy. He’s not thinking about any of the things that usually bring stress. He’s not thinking about going back to that house for the summer, until he is. Until everyone talks about going home for the summer and all of the things they are looking forward to. 

There’s still an air of sadness over not all being together, but for the most part everyone is excited. Except for Sirius. He’s not even sure the one person he likes in the house he will go to will be open to talking to him. Regulus is thirteen now, he can’t keep pretending like it’s all because of their parents. Part of him has to be leaning into it himself. Otherwise there wouldn’t be this divide. 

And if the lack of contact, the severed relationship, all of it, isn’t just their parents and it’s what Regulus wants too… He has no idea what to do with that. Nothing could change the fact that he’s his little brother and he would do anything for him. 

(He loves his little brother. He loves Reggie. But he might hate who he has become. He might hate Regulus. )

The summer is hard. Isn’t it always? Sirius should be used to it by now, but he’s not. He wants it to be different. It’s hard being in this house, it’s hard being under his parent’s watchful eyes, it’s hard existing a parallel life to his brother. All of those things he expects and he resents. It used to be different, parts of it at least. 

Before school, he and Regulus were inseparable. Has it really been years since that was true? Having the love and understanding of his parents is a hope long since extinguished. He doesn’t long for that, he doesn’t think it will ever change. That ended before school, before he and Regulus were severed. So maybe there is a comfort in that. He stopped being their son before he stopped being Regulus’ brother. Those are separate events. 

It helps to separate them in his mind. Even if just to let himself hope that one will still change one day. 

The hardest part this summer, is being away from his friends. Some days he doesn’t speak at all, some days he doesn’t leave his room except to sit on the roof and breathe. It’s a quiet existence that he hasn’t exactly figured out how he feels about it. Part of it is welcome, a break. Time to just be, except he also hates it. He hates being here, he hates feeling like he’s being watched at all times and feeling like he can’t do anything right. 

Once upon a time, more specifically when he was 10 and younger, he knew that he was doing something right. Sure there would be days when he messed up and faced the wrath of their parents, but he was always doing one thing right. Being a brother. Now they are grown, or starting to be grown, and he can’t even do that right. 

Most of the time he wants the summer to just go by quickly. He’ll miss the warmth that comes with it, but he can be heated by the love of his friends all winter long. That’s a fixable piece of the puzzle. He just wants to not be here. Except that’s not true is it? Sirius wants to be here with Regulus, but he can’t just have that. 

Regulus is turning out to be exactly who their parents wanted him to be. No, not who they wanted Regulus to be, he’s who Sirius was meant to become. A perfect little pureblood boy. A puppet to be controlled by them. To do exactly as they say, to fit right into society and carry on the family name. Little Reggie is doing that and putting up no complaints. It’s like Sirius can’t even recognize him, he doesn’t know his brother at all anymore. 

And whatever version of him exists, he thinks he might hate. 

His usual desire to go against everything his parents want, to be loud and abrasive at home as a rebellion, are mostly quelled this summer. More than anything he’s just lonely. He makes it through June and July without doing anything to get in trouble. Though merely existing here gives his parents a reason to be upset with him. He just doesn’t outwardly rebel until August, he hardly leaves his room. 

By August he’s in desperate need of just hearing from his friends. Knowing how they are, talking to someone. It’s not necessarily an outright act of rebellion, nor is it to intentionally upset his parents. He just wants to try to get a few letters out to some of his friends and asking them to try and send any back if they can. That’s really all it is. 

The letters don’t make it down to the first floor of the house. He’s caught on the stairs and worst of all, it’s Regulus who finds him. It’s Regulus who gives him a split second of hope that he’ll manage to send them. It’s Regulus who quietly walks off and informs their mother, because a minute later she is standing in front of him with her wand out. 

Sirius braces for the worst, when he does that whatever his punishment ends up being it’s never that bad. He can take it. He can handle a lot, he’s handled more than his fair share. Back when things were better, he was the one to take the brunt of every punishment. Technically that’s still true, but only because Regulus is the picture perfect son while Sirius hasn’t changed at all. He simply no longer needs to take any hits for his brother. 

He prepares there on the stairs to stop his face from wincing in pain, to stand tall even when he wants to crumble. None of that is necessary. Walburga uses wordless magic, but he knows the feeling of it well enough to know it’s the imperius curse. He practically floats back up the stairs and to his room, the door shutting and locking behind him. A daze settles in around him and he doesn’t even mind. 

It’s a different kind of quiet. The world around him has turned down, but his thoughts have too. There is nothing in his head, quiet and dulled. He starts to forget what he was even doing before this. He had something in his hands, right? They’re empty now so it doesn’t matter one bit. Everything is… hm well it’s peaceful. Sirius has no thoughts, he has no worries. Nothing even matters, he is content just sitting quietly in his room. Doing absolutely nothing, not even thinking. Just barely breathing. 

Time moves differently like this. Slower maybe, but also faster. He doesn’t notice it passing. At some point he thinks someone is sitting next to him. He’s on the floor next to his bed, looking out the window. More so facing the window, not actually looking. There’s someone next to him, a familiar presence. A hand resting on top of his own. A head leaning on his shoulder. 

Muffled words that he can’t make out through the imperius haze. Whatever it is, he’s not supposed to hear it. He isn’t allowed to let any of that through. The presence next to him seems to come and go. Or the curse is pulsating, sometimes stronger and fully blocking everything and other times letting bits and pieces through. No matter how hard he tries, Sirius can’t turn to see who is there. 

By the time he comes out of the haze, by the time his mother lifts the spell, there’s only three days until the train. They get all of the books he needs for fourth year, as well as what Regulus needs for third year, not even thinking about having him use hand me downs. Sirius remains in line, he doesn’t talk unless asked to, almost as if he’s still under the curse. 

(It’s easier almost.) 

During the last few days he finds that Regulus avoids him even more. It confuses him. Not that they were talking much earlier in the summer, but they could see each other. They could be near each other and just sit quietly. Sirius knows better than to push him to interact. They have both made their choices, they don’t fit like they used to. 

Even getting on the train, away from their mother’s eye, Regulus doesn’t acknowledge him. It’s getting worse. Each day that passes they drift further apart. Deep in his bones he can feel that they are still tethered, neither one of them has a will that is strong enough to cut ties. Not completely. At least like this they remain in each other’s orbit, they can pull back to be together again whenever they want. They just have to want to. 

Sirius finds that while sitting on the train, waiting for his friends to arrive and find him, he misses the haze. It was easier to be compelled to not think or do anything. He’s always wished he could turn everything off, just for a bit. The imperius curse gave him that. It’s not possible to do it on himself, otherwise he would. 

He misses it even more, though he can’t figure out why it intensifies, when Regulus walks past his car with friends trailing behind him. 

He waits and waits for his friends. It really doesn't take that long, Regulus is still within his sights when they start to arrive. James is first. Of course he is, as much as he loves his parent's he's always over eager to be back on the train and with him and the rest of their friends. Remus and Peter are next, having run into each other on the platform. 

He does want everyone else to show up and he does want Lily here because her presence can comfort him at times in ways that he can't exactly explain. Not in words that would make sense to anyone else. So he doesn't bother trying, he doesn't say that he wants to find her when the train starts moving and realizes that the girls are likely in their own car. Maybe they just couldn't find this one before they had to sit down. It could be any number of things. 

It's when James mentions it and says he would like to be all together, that he wonders where Lily is and if she had a good summer, that anything is done about it. Sirius nods along in agreement while Peter rolls his eyes at him. He shouldn't do that, it's okay for James to want the others here, it's okay for him to specifically call out Lily. Peter is just jealous. Nothing they won't be able to settle and move past a day from now though. Eventually an hour or so into the train they end up finding them. Once they were past the point of needing to be sitting, once the girls realized they don't really have to follow any rules as there are no professors on the train. They knock on the door and slide it open. Piling in more of them into the small compartment than there should be. It's comforting though. Lily slots right next to Sirius, across from James. Which makes him smile, though for Sirius he just leans his head on her shoulder. 

“How was your summer?” There’s hesitancy in her voice, but enveloped in care. 

“Went by quickly…” He answers honestly. 

“Really?” Lily turns to look at him, searching for more. “Mine was slow. Tuney… she spent most of it out with friends. Supposedly she might have a boyfriend.” 

“We’re back to school now, don’t think too hard about it.” Sirius tightens his grips to pull her into a hug, just briefly so that they can go back to the rest of the group. 

Everything falls back together from there. Sirius finds it in himself to laugh again, he finds his voice back, he finds light. Not always, but it’s there. It’s there in the way his friends look at him and in the way they can have conversations without speaking, in the way he doesn’t feel like he has to look over his shoulder at all times around them, in the way that he’s able to forget about everything else for a little while. 

The year is better than all that came before. He goes into this one ready for how it will be, not expecting things that he shouldn’t. Not hoping for things to change this time. Just existing and enjoying the company of his friends. They find new things to do, places to explore in the castle, trouble to get into. During the days Sirius hardly even feels the hole that exists within him. 

By Sirius’ birthday he realizes that he hasn’t seen his brother at all, he hasn’t talked about him at all. He never thought that would be possible. Instead of him talking during their quiet mornings, Lily has been. She’s able to send letters home now which she couldn’t do years ago. It seems she only sends ones to her parents, at least she has them. She’s their baby, of course they would always love her no matter what her sister does. 

(Just like Regulus is to their parents. The youngest can never do wrong.)

This year he wants to shut his brain off for his birthday. It’s not a significant year, it’s not anything different than before. His first choice would be to have Regulus here, it still doesn’t feel right not being with each other on their birthdays. That’s not possible, he wouldn’t come if he was asked, so the next best option is turning it all off. To be back in that haze where he didn’t feel alone. 

“What do you want to do tonight?” Peter asks while they are all sitting around the dorm. 

“I—” He starts and quickly stops. He can’t ask one of them to imperio him. He would, but they wouldn’t understand they wouldn’t be willing to. “Let’s have a party.” 

“Amazing idea, I can talk to Frank about getting us some fire whiskey. Let’s all spread the word.” James jumps at the opportunity. 

So instead of turning his brain off with a spell, he gets drunk. So incredibly drunk. He doesn’t have to think, he can’t think. Music blares through the common room and he barely registers talking to anyone all night. He does have fun, that much he knows. Everyone is making sure of that, it’s his birthday after all. 

The night must be coming to an end when it all comes into focus again. He’s sitting in the comfiest chair off to the side watching it all happen. Watching as people start to climb the stairs up to the dormitories and all of the drinks are magically cleaned up. He stays put, the hand tracing shapes on his back soothes him. A second hand comes up and twirls through his hair and he’s content. He feels more alive again. 

“Want to go up?” Remus asks.

“Not yet, this is nice. I don’t want to go to sleep.” It’s always harder to stop thinking, to keep the bad things out when he’s asleep. 

“Alright, we can stay here. Did you have a good birthday?” 

Sirius only hums in response. Not a yes and not a no. Everything just is. 

This year he goes home with James for Christmas. It’s an easy decision to make. As soon as he’s asked, without anyone knowing that he didn’t go anywhere last year, he says yes. Of course he wants to go to the Potter’s, he’s never been before but he knows he will be welcome. His mum has sent him parcels before filled with biscuits and sweets. She’s already said he’s like a son to her. At least he’s someone’s son. So the days leading up to the holidays aren’t filled with dread of being alone, this time he’s excited. 

The last time he was excited, in first year, it was a let down. This time won’t be. This time will be a happy Christmas and he will be welcome in the house he goes to. He may even be given presents and shown love. James is thrilled about it, thrilled to have someone spend the weeks with him. The others have all been invited over to visit too. Sirius hopes they will come, he’s never gotten to see anyone during school holidays. What a change that would be. 

It’s exactly as he expects. Well, once he gets there that is. On the train he makes eye contact with Regulus without meaning to and he can’t decipher the look on his younger brother’s face. Confusion, mixed with… something akin to hope. But that wouldn’t make sense. He doesn’t want Sirius at home, he hasn’t in years. His face goes blank when James appears at Sirius’ side, explaining silently where he is off to. 

(If he asked Sirius would have gone with his brother right then. He only had to ask.)

He is welcomed so warmly. Immediately into the arms of a mother in a way he has never felt before. Or maybe he has, just so long ago that it’s like a ghost he only just barely recognizes. Everything in his body seems to relax. Not needing to put on a brave face, there’s nothing he needs to be brave about, and even if there were he would be welcomed however he is. 

The entire break is good. Each morning they lie in until they feel like getting up. Euphemia makes them breakfast no matter the time. He and James go flying when the sun is out. Even in the middle of winter, it’s usually freezing in England now, he still feels warmth throughout his body. Inside and out. Everything feels good. He hasn’t felt that in far too long. 

On Christmas the house is full of joy and laughter. He’s never known that before. Not in this way. The taste of it he had when he was younger was all in secret. Swapping gifts with Regulus in a blanket fort in their bedrooms after they were meant to be asleep. Sneaking out to get sweets with their cousins after there was no dessert. Hiding away from the rest of the family and making fun of the relatives they barely knew. 

He is having the most fun he’s ever had on a holiday, until those memories flood in. Someone laughs and it overwhelms him. He can’t get back to the bliss he was feeling before, all he can think about is his little brother. It always comes back to his stupid little brother. He thinks about him that day, and he can’t think of anything else on his birthday, and then holidays are nearly over and he spent the whole time thinking of someone who no longer needs or cares about him. 

Their friends come the day before they are to take the train back. It brings him back to himself a bit, he’s back to at least how he is at school. Mostly there, a little not. There’s always part of Sirius missing. Part that he can’t figure out how to replace, not that anything could ever replace it. He just wants to fill the wound before he bleeds out. Nothing will stop it, so he laughs with his friends while he can. 

Effie is thrilled to have a full house of kids. She packs bags of sweets and snacks for each of them to have on the train. Not even just of the same things, she made them individually to each of their preferences. Of course they will still end up sharing, but the thought nearly kills him. 

Before they leave, she pulls him aside which she doesn’t do with anyone else. Not even James. “Sirius dear,”

“What is it? Did I do something wrong?” He snaps to attention. 

“No no, of course you didn’t. I just wanted to tell you that you will always be welcome here. Anytime you want, for however long.”

Oh. “Thank you, that’s— can I hug you?” He feels like he’s six years old. 

She pulls him in, wrapping him in warmth again. “You never have to ask. I’m here whenever you need, okay?” 

Sirius nods with his eyes closed, feeling tears brim but holding them in. 

-1975-

The spring is better than autumn. He goes back to school refreshed. There is no waiting for his friends on the train, there is no hiding fresh scars, there is no pretending like everything is fine. He doesn’t have to pretend. Sirius had a good holiday for the first time, he might even feel refreshed and ready for classes to start again. 

That is until a week into January when he sees Regulus. He walks into the lavatory and he’s standing at the sink wrapping his wrist. Sirius turns to leave before he turns around, but also before he could get a good look at what happened. Except he knows, because it used to be him. He knows because his wrist has been broken three times before. 

There’s nothing he can do now, nothing he would say would be welcome. Maybe Regulus noticed he was there, but he didn’t acknowledge him. He didn’t rush to hide what he was doing, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t see his brother. He can’t do anything, but he hates himself anyway. That never should have happened. 

(It’s his fault that it did. He would still take every hit and curse for his brother.)

So he decides as much as he wants to go back to the Potter’s for the summer, to fully leave home and go there, he can’t. He can’t run away, he has to keep going home. If he’s home then Regulus won’t get hurt. The brothers may not be speaking, they may not even be looking in the other’s direction, but Sirius will protect him until the end of time. It’s his job, he’s the older sibling. 

A damper is put in his mood after that. He wills the year to slow down, but it’s moving at full speed. Days blur together and it’s the end of term before he knows it. It was all filled with the usual, though Sirius wasn’t all there. His friends kept him going, they gave him energy. Enough to make it through. 

Better than that, they came up with a project for the summer. Mostly it was James, though he and Peter contributed. Not Remus though, it’s a surprise for him. A secret until it’s all said and done. Something for him to focus on when he’s not throwing himself in the line of fire to protect Regulus. Maybe he shouldn’t be doing that, it’s not like he would do the same if roles were reversed, but he can’t help it. 

The three of them collect the ingredients they need for the spell and pack it away neatly. Soon they’ll have a way to help Remus, and for Sirius it will double as an escape. A way out of his body that he has been searching for all his life. He’s never been more excited for anything. 

The last few days, after classes have ended and before the train, Sirius is found by Lily. He hasn’t spent nearly as much time as he usually does with her. For some reason he couldn’t. Not this spring. Not after seeing how he failed to protect his brother. Somehow he knew if he sat with her, that it would come up. That she would know and hold it against him for some reason. Instead he avoided her, floating through time until arriving at now. 

Still feeling guilty, but this time for how he treated her and not Regulus. That’s not happened before, he’s been good to her. He’s been a shoulder for her when she needs it. He doesn’t apologize now though, the words don’t feel right on his tongue so they never leave his mouth. They sit in the common room together in silence, but a nice silence. Soaking in the comfort things brings that will get them through the summer with icy siblings. 

(In the back of his mind he hopes that Petunia steps up and spends time with her sister again, that’s what she should do. )

He wills the summer to pass in a blur. Not a haze, Sirius won’t check out this time. He keeps an eye on his brother to make sure he is not returning to school with new scars. That’s what he is here for, but even then he barely gets any. Instead he’s focused. More than he ever is at school, but projects for their classes are never this fun. This makes the summer speed by  and it’s over just as he’s finished. Perfect timing. 

It works. The end of the summer comes to a head and Sirius doesn’t have to continue to endure it. Not really. Not in the same way he did last year either. This time he gets to be in control. No antagonizing and hoping to be hit with an imperius, he just has to fold into himself and then he’s a dog. A dog that doesn’t have to think about all of the same things or feel any of the same things. A dog that can just be. When he’s a dog he doesn’t hear the grating voice of his mother or father scolding him or berating him on the other side of the door. 

He can still hear Reggie, when he wants to. Everything else is just a ringing in his ears.

Going back for fifth year is exciting. The most exciting year yet. Mostly he wants to see how the animagus process went for the others since he hadn’t been able to get a letter out or receive any. Of course they can’t do it on the train or before they tell Remus, but it’s exciting. Something new and something better. A new way to escape everything that usually causes him pain. Something that doesn’t have any ties to his family. 

He’s always known that he is talented, of course he is. Though he grew up attributing it to his family, who they are and always have been. Powerful. But none of them have done this otherwise they would be bragging about it any chance they got. He’s the first and only to do it. So take that. 

“Did you do it?” James comes up from behind him as he climbs onto the train. 

“Of course, did you?” He’s smug about it, he can’t help it. 

Then he spots Regulus staring back at them, listening in to what they’re saying. Curious, but not enough to break whatever silence lives between them. He watches for a moment longer, lingering to get more information. There’s nothing of note being said, no answers for him, so he turns around. Having gathered nothing that he could bring back to Mother to use against Sirius. Or whatever he was eavesdropping for. 

“Yes, it’s so cool. I can’t wait to tell Remus.”

“He’s going to freak out. In a good way though. This is huge, this will be revolutionary.” 

Peter joins them next, slowly filling their compartment. “I take it you were both successful?”

“You know we were!”

“Yeah, me too.” His voice wavers slightly. 

That’s how the four of them become even closer than before. A seemingly impossible feat to everyone around them, but no one knows the lengths they go to for each other. Risking their lives, both physically and legally, just to help one of their own. Remus is shocked and has to take some time to come to terms with what the other’s have done. When the first moon of the school year comes around he almost refuses them, not wanting to be seen that way. 

But they don’t let up. Sirius coaxes him into agreeing, James reassures him that it will be safe, and Peter makes sure they will have everything they need just in case anything happens during the night. It goes off without a hitch, well without any major hitches. It takes most of the night to get Remus used to them being there, and maneuvering around Pomfrey in the morning is harder, but they manage. They’ll keep managing, they’ll keep getting better at it the longer they do it. Which will be for the rest of time, Remus is never going to have to be alone again. 

This spurs the four of them into getting even closer. If that’s even possible. Really it just means they really will never be seen without at least one other of their group. Except for very few reasons. Except for stray times that Sirius drifts away. The others can track him with the map if they wanted to, it’s not that he is wandering to get away from them. It just happens. 

It’s mostly when he can’t sleep anyway. When they were younger sneaking out was harder to get away with, alone that is. With two of them they could easily take the invisibility cloak that James has and set up pranks or sneak around undetected. But alone, Sirius wouldn’t risk it at night past curfew. He never wanted it to get him in trouble and have it get back to his parents. Getting detentions for fooling around was one thing, but breaking curfew was sure to be worse. 

Now though, he can slip out in his animagus form. Still risky, but easier to stay hidden in the shadows. He starts doing it one day in early October. Sleep evades him most nights, sometimes entirely and other times until three in the morning or so. On good nights it is as simple as turning to Padfoot and curling up to doze off. This night though, nothing helps. 

He wanders, really just navigating by smell. He’s not sure how he knows his way around as a dog, but he lets go of control to himself. Handing over the reins to Padfoot and getting a break from Sirius. One smell in particular is strong and he follows it without paying any attention to where he is. Halls that he’s sure to have walked before. He seems to be walking in circles but it’s soothing him so he hardly minds. 

Eventually he stretches out his legs and curls up against cold stone. Padfoot drops his head and lets his eyes rest. Just for a minute, then he’ll head back to the dormitory and sleep. 

The sound of footsteps wakes him. Hours later. 

As bodies pass he lightly sniffs, nothing familiar. He can’t tell exactly where he is, its only been a month or two that he’s been able to do this, he hasn’t quite gotten used to what the dog sees. Most people just rush past, it must be morning. Someone stops to pet his head, it feels nice. Padfoot inhales and his senses are flooded with familiarity. His head tilts up, unintentionally leaning into the hand on his head. 

(Brother.) 

The divide between the Padfoot side and Sirius side of his brain are iffy, not quite clear. Brother is all that translates and both parts of him fully understand. He remains as still as he can, save for his tail that wags furiously, in hopes that this moment will last longer. 

When he leaves, he waits only a moment before sulking off to a darkened corner and turning back. Sirius has to stretch out his limbs which always get stiff when he sleeps as a dog. It is morning as he expected, so he heads right for the Great Hall, deciding to go by the tower to get his books after eating. 

All eyes are on him from his friends when he walks in. 

“Where were you?” Mary is the one to ask, he can’t tell her the truth. 

“Overslept, they left without me. Dick heads.” He throws the latter comment at the other three marauders.

They share a look, and helpfully play along. At first at least, until he sits down and Remus leans over and whispers. “Why were you in the dungeons?” 

“I slept walk…?” 

“Don’t lie Pads.” James warns. 

“I wasn’t there, Padfoot was.” He concedes. “Fell asleep after going for a walk I guess.” 

They take this well enough, he knows they will bring it up again. Maybe not where he was but definitely his late night walks for fear of all of them being found out. 

In the halls on the way to their first class he’s quiet. Lily falls in step with him, not saying anything at first. When he shows up anywhere without the others, it’s usually because he and Lily are off talking or keeping each other company. She knows something is up, not that there is because Sirius is not making a big deal out of this. 

“The dungeons?”

“You heard that?”

“Might’ve been eavesdropping. Not my fault you four don’t know to always cast a muffliato.” She shrugs, knowing she’s right. “So the dungeons? Regu—”

Sirius cuts her off before she can finish his name. “Don’t. Just please don’t.”

They don’t talk about him again for a long time. He doesn’t bring up his little brother, there’s a pain in his chest, an emptiness, every time he even thinks about it. Lily knows not to push, but she feels it too. She can feel his pain and her own. Sirius knows it’s not only about them, it’s about Petunia too. Not talking about it doesn’t erase it, it’s still there. 

(Just silently killing them both in opposite directions.) 

Time starts to pass weirdly for him. A different kind of weird. Knowing only what month it was by how many moons had passed. This isn’t a year with thirteen of them, so it’s pretty simple. Sirius flies through his classes, figuratively, and through quidditch practices, literally. He spends more nights than not as a dog. It’s all a haze around him. 

Not the same as the imperius haze, but perhaps better. He’s still able to make decisions and do as he pleases, but it feels as though there is no consequence to it. Good most of the time, blissful. Their pranks are at an all time high, in both quantity and quality. 

Exams may be coming up this year but he hardly needs to spend time studying. Which is for the best, whenever he sits in the library with Remus he can’t focus on books. He’ll pass with flying colours, he isn’t worried about that. He is a bit worried about the way he loses all other thoughts in his head when Remus is around. That’s a bit annoying if you ask him. Maybe that will pass, one way or another. 

Still, Sirius is never far from him. He keeps walking the castle at night, but less frequently. He sits off on his own on his birthday, which prompts Lily to come over. She offers a classic younger sibling gift, stolen off of someone else. Sirius will do the same when he finds Lily on her birthday after everyone else has gone to bed. He will give her a much needed older sibling hug. 

(They don’t talk about any of it. Not in so many words.) 

They go to the Potters again for the holidays and it’s just as good as the previous year. He’s welcomed in like a son. His walls go up and brace for someone to call them brothers. If it happens, Sirius isn’t there to hear it. He loves James, more than he can possibly explain, but they aren’t brothers. 

(He only has one brother.) 

Of which he has not seen in months. Not as himself at least. Padfoot has taken a liking to the dungeons, entirely unrelated. He doesn’t count those times. He knows at the end of the year he’ll see him again. When they go back to the house, at least Padfoot can take over there too. He doesn’t see Regulus, he’s not sure if he still looks the same. 

-1976-

It gets all the way to March before he knows what’s going on. The Remus glasses are back on.  He’s always thinking about him. Always just close to him. A force pulling them together. Even the wolf, Moony, likes him. Padfoot, but still. Those two are drawn together just as much. It’s even easier as Padfoot, he doesn’t have to hold back. 

Tonight he’s holding back. Watching him across the room the night of his birthday. It’s mostly a blur, lights and music moving around him. Plenty of drinks, a bit to smoke. Sometimes the minutes speed by and other times moments last for hours. Sirius is lost in it all in the best way. Just barely holding himself back. 

Wanting to launch into Remus, knowing he shouldn’t. Deciding to wait until Remus goes up to the dormitory and following him. Letting him take control, willingly handing it over so he can do as he pleases. He’s his for the taking, and Sirius regrets holding back. 

They crash into each other, not making sense of what is happening. Sirius feels more aware in a way, time is finally linear for a brief moment, the haze is lifted. It’s a high he will chase forever after that first taste. They are a tangle from that night on. Sirius is in another haze, he almost feels invincible in this one. It lasts two months. Two months where nothing else has ever dared to matter. 

That’s not an explanation though. For what he does. When he eventually tries to go back to it, to play that night over in his mind. It’s not clear. The memory is just as blurry as reality always is. This is the way he remembers it,

Time was doing it’s thing, moving differently depending on which way he turned his head. He was in the library pouring over notes, not for class but for a prank. In his bones, after a little too long, he remembered it was a full moon. He started to run. He hadn’t checked the map and slammed into someone. 

As they get up they start muttering insults, or maybe saying them loud enough and he didn’t care. Until one. Until Snape started to talk about Remus, about Moony. Then it goes blank. Sort of. He can vaguely recall yelling, coming from his mouth, and secrets. He told secrets that he wasn’t supposed to. Thinking that would get him to shut up, thinking that… No. 

Not thinking. He wasn’t. All of his thoughts are consumed with Remus that if he had been thinking he would have done something different. Or maybe the only way he knows how to help is to make things worse. Moony was on his mind, as he always is, it just came out. 

He didn’t think. He didn’t. It’s a black hole in his head, and it’s all rotten. The rot is spreading. 

By the morning, he doesn’t sleep and he never folds down into Padfoot. He just sits there waiting. Fully aware, though time moves slower than ever. He just needs someone to sit next to him. Like all those nights under the imperius, even then he had someone. To give him a tether. To tell him he’s not an awful person. Or, to take all control from him he shouldn’t have it anyway. 

It’s James who comes to find him, arm in a sling. After one second of looking in his eyes, Sirius folds. He’s curled on the ground as Padfoot before anything can be said. He stays like that until he lays eyes on Remus again. Which is hard to do, he won’t see him. He doesn’t want to see him for a long time. He’s not sure he will ever feel as good as he felt before all of this again. 

The rest of the year, he hardly talks. It’s just like summers at Grimmauld Place. Shrinking in on himself. He barely gets through his exams, but he manages just fine enough. He can’t even find comfort in Lily, he’s failed her too. He almost looks forward to leaving for the summer. At least he is less watched there now. His friends are keeping an eye on him like a bad dog about to lunge and bite. He’s nothing at home. 

(His friends don’t want him anymore, would Regulus want him back?)

Months spent as Padfoot bring him to spend the start of the summer as himself. It could be worse. His parents have both given up on him, they’re ready to be rid of him soon. But at least they have stopped expecting perfection. Since he’s quiet though, they have no reason to punish him. Walburga watches in case he messes up the few expectations she has of him, but nothing. He has nothing to act out for, no friends to write to. There isn’t a spell cast against him for weeks.

For once he would deserve it. No part of him would deny that he deserves the curses she would use. The gashes and the pain and the broken joints. Any of it, all of it, she could do her worst and he would feel sorry. He would take it ten times over if it would be even close to penance for the hurt he has caused. But there’s nothing, Sirius doesn’t have the energy or the will to even act out on purpose. He can’t do anything. 

He wants time to skip, but that’s disastrous at the same time. There isn’t a future for him. So he seeks his mother out in the house one evening. 

(Where’s Regulus? He could make it better.)

It’s a normal evening. Nothing special about it. Sometime in the middle of that summer. He has done nothing for days, not entirely sure if he’s eaten or drank recently. He’s barely existing and he wants out. 

“Imperio me.” He forces the words through his chapped lips, parched and starved of use. 

She spins around gracefully, almost oblivious. “Speak up, you know we do not mutter.” It’s the closest to a real conversation they have had in years.

So he asks at full volume. “Will you use the imperius on me again?”

“No.” The one word makes his chest clench. 

She begins to walk away, leaving him begging for a relief but stops, pauses and twirls her wand in her fingers. When he and Reggie were little she taught them to do that. It was a rare moment with soft edges. Sometimes he’s not sure if it’s real. But she gave them fake wands to practice with and let them use hers once they figured it out. 

(Is that the same mother that does this? Where’s Reggie?)

One more twirl of the wand before it settles on him. 

For a brief moment he things that she’s going to give him what he wants. That he will get shut away and be mysteriously comforted through it. 

“Crucio,” 

Sirius shouldn’t have asked for anything, no matter the relief it would have brought, but he deserves this. The pain courses through and he knows it’s not the end of it. There is more pain in his future that he will have to endure. Perhaps all of it comes back to that night. Or perhaps all of it comes back to his blood. Something inside of him. Just who he is. 

The pain sparks through him constantly in his veins and coils in his chest. Where the hole is. It lasts for so long that his vision goes white, and then entirely black. 

He wakes up briefly feeling ash dusting over him. Then again curled in on himself on a sofa that is familiar and smells like a home. 

(Reggie?)

“Sirius?” James’ voice wakes him up. It’s softer than he expected, it wasn’t that soft when they last saw each other. Or maybe everything is just soft in comparison to what he spent the night feeling. 

The curse lasted far longer than the wand was pointed at him. He knows it stopped somehow, he knows he was left crumpled in his room. He doesn’t know how he got here, likely the floo. But how he got to the fireplace he has no idea. It’s a blur in his memory and he’s not sure that he will ever know what happened. There’s a lot of that throughout his childhood, but nothing this bad. 

“I’m sorry,” his voice cracks. 

“What happened?” Immediately he shakes his head, he can’t tell him. “You can say, only if you want to. Just let me know if I can do anything to help.”

“Could I get some water?” Sirius asks more formally than he ever has outside of Grimmauld Place. 

Without a word James is off to the kitchen. It’s getting dark outside, which means he must have been asleep all day. He doesn’t feel a stitch more rested though. His body aches inside and out. He stays put on the sofa thinking that if he moves the wrong way the curse will reverberate through him again. A stupid thought, it can’t do that. She can’t hurt him anymore. Except for when he goes home, he’ll surely be punished for the way he left even if he can’t remember it. 

A few days pass before he can really get up to do anything. The first thing he does is change back into his clothes, now cleaned up, and declare he’s going home. Sirius doesn’t want to go back, here is safe and warm and he is mostly welcomed here. James is still on edge from the end of spring term, they haven’t talked about it, but his parents are far from that. Happy to have him. But he has to leave, he wasn’t meant to be here, he’s intruding, he doesn’t have any of his things. He doesn’t deserve this. 

“Absolutely not.” Euphemia stands out of her seat and rather roughly shoves him back down. 

“I have to.”

“I’m worried if you do.” It’s not her that says it, it’s James. His heart stops and his eyes light up. 

The brightest they have been since May. Not all hope is lost with his best friend. He hasn’t given up on Sirius. Being worried means he still cares. Sirius can make it up to him, repent for the pain he caused. When they get back to school he can do the same with the rest of his friends, but especially Remus. 

He wants to say it wasn’t his fault, but it was. He messed up. He wasn’t thinking and he hurt the people closest to him. Just like he always seems to do eventually. He will take all of the hurt in the world in return for getting his friends back. Last night is surely not the last of the pain, and he’s not sure how much he can handle. But he deserves it. 

He’ll go back now, to get his things and see what to do from there. It wouldn’t be right to leave, this is what he was dealt, he can handle whatever his mother throws at him. He’s survived two unforgivables, it’ll take the third to truly take him down. At the back of his mind, a nagging thought that won’t leave just screams Regulus. There’s regulus to remember. He’s there, but he’s safe. He’s there but their parents love him. He’s there but he wants to be. 

(He would go anywhere for his little brother.)

He goes back after five days. There’s no way to sneak out of the Potters. Effie has been checking in on him constantly, she’s genuinely worried about him and his well being. It’s a strange thing to get used to. Someone carrying as much as she does for him. As a parent specifically. 

Actually getting home is the hard part. It has to be undetected. It hasn’t been that long, so there is a chance no one has noticed he was gone at all. Plus their floo is locked, so he would have to get in another way on his own. The easiest way is to climb in through his window, surprisingly. There are wards protecting the house ones that could alert of his arrival, but a few years ago he figured out how to dismantle them on his window. 

(He and Reggie used to go out through them together, before everything.)

Effie takes him side-along to near his house. It’s the easiest way, and it got her to agree to let him go at all. With the promise that he would check in. They have always had a way to do that, he and James had the mirrors. Well, Sirius left his with James before this summer. He didn’t think he deserved to have it, and figured if he wanted to give it to Remus or someone else he would be more than right to. James gives it back now, having saved it for him and only him. 

His heart is tight again, squeezing from the excess of love he feels. More than he deserves, or so it seems by the way his chest constricts. Sirius is to check in every day, and he is to call if he needs anything at all. Before she leaves she reminds him that he will always have a place in her house, and he knows somehow that she means it. That she wants him there. 

It only makes him sad. Loved, but still sad. It forces him to mourn what he has lost, or perhaps never had. 

The short walk to the house, even in the beating sun, already makes him feel cold. Somehow trying to acclimate to how Grimmauld Place feels. He wonders if it’s the house itself or the life inside of it that makes it that way. The house may be haunted, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe there is no way to truly show love in a place like that. 

Except there is, there has been before. He and Reggie, under a castle made of pillows and blankets, there has been love. Against all odds, they found ways to love each other. That’s gone now, the house got colder, and with it Sirius did too. 

“You’re back.” Regulus’ voice catches him by surprise as his body is half through the window. 

He snaps out of his head, like the flick of a switch he’s entirely different. Not vulnerable. “Didn’t think you would notice.”

“I did. Mother hasn’t yet.” 

“Figured as much. It’s always better for you all when I’m tucked away pretending I don’t exist.” 

“Did.. Are you—never mind. Kreacher will bring dinner outside your door in an hour just as he’s been doing all week.” When was the last time they talked this much? He exits the room, and just like that he’s alone again.

(Don’t go, Reggie. Stay here.)

The rest of the summer is nothing notable. He barely speaks at all, other than his daily calls through the mirror. Mostly it’s talking to Effie, but sometimes James too. He’s still not past what happened and he doesn’t expect him to be. This is better than nothing, better than the isolation he was feeling. Even if he doesn’t deserve this. 

The days blur, food is still brought to his door so he doesn’t have to go down. Each time it arrives he questions how this routine got started, but there is no one too ask. Regulus is back to avoiding him, or shutting him out, after his appearance the night he returned. He knew he was gone, which doesn’t make any sense. Why would he know that, they weren’t speaking before. 

Sometimes he lays under his bed as Padfoot, sometimes he tries to sneak out just to get some fresh air. He can sometimes hear people across the hall in Orion’s study, both him and Regulus. Always talking. Regulus is turning 16 soon, he’s nearly due to start stepping in as the heir. As soon as Sirius is gone, it will officially be his. The role he wasn’t born for, the role he was handed on a silver platter. The youngest, the heart of the family. Their parents’ special boy, a prized possession. Stolen from Sirius. 

He can’t remain hidden from his mother for the remainder of the summer, which means he will return to school with more new scars. It doesn’t bother him like it used to. He’s used to it really. He accepts it with ease. These spells are hardly anything compared to the cruciatus. Easy to take, nothing folding down into Padfoot for the night after can’t fix. All he knows is that he won't go back there after this, he can’t. He leaves Grimmauld Place intent on never going back.

(He would if Regulus ever asked him to.)

September comes soon enough, and only part of him is ready. He hasn’t figured how to make it up to anyone yet, the best he can offer is taking the pain. He’ll let everyone hurt him as much as they want, he deserves it. as long as they stay with him, or stay near enough to him that he can maintain some sanity, that’s good enough. Everyone knows that he fucked up, it adds to how bad he feels for it. He’s stupid and doesn’t think. 

Even their friends that don’t know what he did, know he did something. Other students outside their group seem to sense a shift too. Sirius swears up and down that when he gets on the train and hesitates before entering their compartment that his brother shoots him a sympathetic glance. Maybe that’s in his head, but it’s more than he’s gotten from Regulus in a long time. He ducks in desire the pit in his stomach. 

Remus is already there and he doesn’t turn him away. It gives him hope. They don’t speak, the two of them directly at least. Sirius spends the ride on the outskirts of the conversation. It’s not hard to do, he’s used to this way of living from his family. When he’s there most of the time he operates on the basis of speak only when spoken to, it saves him most of the time. 

While the other side of the car, Remus included, gets sucked into a conversation he can’t hear, Lily turns to him. “Did you manage the summer alright?” 

“Well enough.” He mutters. “You?”

“Spent a lot of time with my parents. Mary visited too, so that was good.” No mention of Petunia. 

(Has she started to shut her big sister out too?)

“I’m glad you had her. How was…”

“She was gone a lot. Off with her boyfriend. Barely acknowledged that i was even there. She only quickly said hello to Mary before running off. Don’t think she even remembers her name.” 

“Maybe she just needed to get out of the house. I don’t know, but it’s not your fault. Are you being cold to her?” The question comes out accusatory, he can’t take it back. 

“She doesn’t care to hear anything I have to say. I stopped bringing up Hogwarts or Magic unless someone asked and still nothing changed. It’s not my fault our parents want to hear about it.” She huffs. “Sorry, it’s just frustrating how she pulls away no matter what I do.” 

(He’s not pulling away from Regulus, he’s gravitating to what he needs, to what’s good for him.) 

Sirius keeps that in, she wouldn’t understand. He could try, but it would put a stopper in the pathway he’s found to getting back in his friends’ good graces. 

Lily continues anyway, “It’s just how it is. It really is good to see you, I missed you. I have to go for a Prefects meeting. Talking the fifth years through what they need to do. I’m sure you heard all about it.”

“Why would I have?”

“Regulus is a Prefect now.” 

He has to bite his tongue to keep in a gasp, or maybe it’s a laugh. 

“Oh, did you not know? I just assumed.” 

“I didn’t spend much time around him or anyone else for that matter.” His voice has frozen over, brought back to the memories of the summer. 

After the week at the Potters, beginning before letters came for the year, his presence stopped being expected at meals. He didn’t hear of a Prefect notice, he didn’t hear the bragging and doting on Walburga’s precious baby being recognized. Even if only a school position. He will be ‘doing their family proud’ none the less. It’s sickening. Soon the whole of Slytherin will be held to the ideals of the House Black if he’s given too much influence. And as it seems he started to buy into the nonsense their family spews. 

Getting back into a routine here is rough. More is expected of him. Even if his family has given up on him amounting to anything, in their eyes, his professors still expect things. His friends even more so. He knows that if he wants to be accepted by them he will have to work for it. Help everyone out, prove that he thinks before acting. That he’s capable of better. 

In September he isn’t asked to go to the shack for the full moon. He expects this, and he hides any negative feelings he has about it. Sirius is understanding. There was trust lost and he has to prove that he is worthy of it again. That will take time. While the others are gone that night, he finds himself sitting with Lily in the common room. At least until she goes to bed. He makes up excuses as to where the others are, something they don’t typically need to do as it’s less confusing when all of them are gone. It’s not a shock that he’s not always included right now, Remus isn’t ready to trust him yet. 

After Lily goes to bed, he sulks through the castle as Padfoot. First he lies in front of the statue that leads into the tunnel that takes them to the shack. That’s a mistake, so he moves. Rather than be caught there in the morning by his friends. It would be embarrassing for one, and inconsiderate. He wasn’t wanted there tonight, so he shouldn’t be on standby. Not after what he did. 

Padfoot doesn’t want to leave the spot, it smells like his friends and he misses them, he should be there. He just wants to be there more than anything. He just hopes that one day he will be welcome again. He has to fight with himself in his head to walk elsewhere. 

The dormitory would be the right place to go, he’s meant to be there anyway. It’s empty tonight, he should just stay there. Be good, break no more rules. Do everything exactly as he is supposed to. No one seems to be expecting better from him, they have all given up on that so quickly, but he’ll prove everyone wrong. Sirius wants to be good, he’s determined to be so good. 

Eventually he winds up in the dungeons and he no longer fights it. Instead he hopes to linger long enough for… No, he can’t think like that. They did talk, if only briefly, but they talked. Regulus knew he was gone and hadn’t told their mother, does that mean anything? It’s not a new thing for them, rather something they haven’t done for years. 

As Padfoot curls against the stone to try to sleep, his heart clenches. The dog side of his brain doesn’t understand the feeling, he savors that. It’s not something worth knowing, to almost have but not. Just to the left of what he’s looking for. Maybe, just maybe, it means that all hope isn’t lost. 

(He’s so close, but there’s still a hole in his heart.)

He doesn’t have much to be optimistic about right now, there isn’t anything going his way. Not with friends, not with family, not with himself. Nothing is how it should be. Everything feels like it’s crumbling around him and there is nothing he can do to stop it. No one coming to save him. But that’s just how it is, he deserves it. 

Sirius never calls out for help, he doesn’t cry out in pain. For anything he has endured, he remains quiet. Taking what is his, taking what he deserves. One day maybe a time will come when he doesn’t feel like he deserves the pain he gets, that’s when he will yell for help. For now it’s only Padfoot that whimpers and whines. Begging for a soft hand to find him, none ever do anymore. 

This time he wakes before the sun, he slinks back to the dormitory and waits until it’s time for breakfast. He waits a little longer knowing it will take extra time for James and Peter to get there. It would be suspicious if he were to be the only one there. No one is happy with him right now, but something would still seem off. Raise more questions than necessary after five years of minimal problems surrounding the moons. 

“He’s different.” A warm familiar voice says through the doorway. 

Looking up to find just James, he sighs. “My fault I assume.”

He doesn’t respond to that, not really. “It’s not as bad as it was in earlier years, he still had two of us, but Moony doesn’t trust us as much. The wolf is wary and on edge, I don’t know how to help that.”

“Did he hurt you?” Sirius instead asks, holding his tongue on the rest. 

“No, didn’t even try. He’s more timid and staying back instead of running and playing, or even attacking. Almost scared maybe. I don’t know. I didn’t talk to him about telling you any of this first, I said I would go get breakfast while Pete stayed in the infirmary. Never mind.” 

“Wait Prongs,” his breath catches in his throat, what is he going to say? “I want to help, however I can, however any of you will let me.” 

Loyal to a fault. Loyal even when the same isn’t shown in return. He never imagined things being like this. Then again, he will always find his way back to the things that hurt him, to the things he’s hurt. As a boy it was his mother, that house, the whole family. Even still, he ends up there time and time again. He just can’t leave. Everything always comes back around to the family. 

But it works now. He trails after his friends in a way that he never has before. Sirius was never the one of his friends to beg for scraps. Now though he will take anything he can get. Anything someone will offer him. Slowly but surely things get better. 

It takes time. A lot of it, but they get there. Not right away, and most days it doesn’t seem like it’s any better at all, but really it is getting better. Sirius is at least part of things as a group. He and Remus no longer have late night conversations just the two of them though. They never do anything together without someone else. Sirius takes it in stride. As best he can. He knows to not push for more, it would only end badly. 

A few days before the October moon, he thinks that he might be asked to join this time. Remus doesn’t trust him, and Moony probably doesn’t either, but it would help. Padfoot was always the best with the wolf, they understood each other in a way the others couldn’t. It would be a good thing for him to be welcomed back. Even if in the morning he was pushed back to the outskirts. All he wants to do is help, and this is a way he can. 

Things are getting better, really getting better. The first time Remus approaches him alone, it almost catches him off guard after months of nothing. 

“Sirius?” 

He almost jumps. “Hi, what is it? Are you alright?” 

Remus is leaning on the table for support, but otherwise seems okay. “I just wanted to talk. If that’s alright with you.”

“Yeah, yeah of course. Sit?” He motions for the chair next to him, but he takes the one opposite. Keeping his distance even still. 

With a sigh he starts, “I’m still learning to be around you again. Learning to trust you.” Sirius nods, but doesn’t interrupt. “It’s not as hard, but I— I don’t want my fe— never mind that. I don’t want to let you in again only to get hurt. Do you understand?” 

He holds his breath, waiting for a fatal blow. 

“Sirius, answer please. Do you understand?”

Dutifully he does. “I do. I’m sorry.” 

He tries to explain it, he’s not sure if he succeeds. They haven’t properly talked about last spring, there was never a good time for it. He just can’t make the words make sense. If they won’t get through to Remus then what’s the point? But he tries anyway. 

It doesn’t sound right, not fully, to say that he wasn’t thinking. Or to say that he bites back when he thinks he is going to get hurt. Or to say that he was jumping to his defense or to say that he didn’t mean for him to get hurt. None of it makes much sense, after the fact he can barely remember the words he says. All he’s ever known is loving someone, trusting someone, only for it to crumble and be gone one day. Whether that’s his fault or just how it goes, he doesn’t know for sure. But Sirius is nearly certain it is his fault. He apologizes as much as he can without overdoing it. He overdoes it anyway. 

“I know you’re sorry. I do. I’m just not there yet, I can’t yet. What I’m saying is we will keep trying, but I can’t ask you to come for the full this month. I’m not ready to have you there again.” Remus cuts off his apologies, yet all he wants to do is keep spewing them. 

He can’t fight it, so he just nods. He doesn’t go with them for the full moon. Sirius spends another night in the dungeons sleeping on the cold ground. It’s not clear where exactly in the dungeons he is, he’s not familiar with these halls when he’s human, only Padfoot knows. As he rests, he feels a phantom hand petting his head. It soothes him through the night, though he doesn’t know if it is there the whole time or even at all. Just that it helps. 

Most of the time he tries not to think about how things are with Remus, or that many of his friends gravitate toward him instead of Sirius. It will get better again eventually. The problem is that the other option he has to think about is not much better. In the mornings that he sleeps in the halls of the castle he finds himself thinking about Regulus on his way back. He doesn’t quite like that thought either. 

In a way he was the first to love and trust and then leave him. He started this. Not his parents that should have loved him and didn’t. No this comes back to Regulus and he hates it. There wasn’t a reason, just him. Sirius wasn’t enough, all he didn’t was wrong. Everything keeps proving that no matter how hard he tries. 

On the morning of his birthday this year he isn’t awoken by his friends. He wakes up long before them on his own and goes down to the common room. He can’t go where he would really like to, so he goes here. Sits in the corner with cushions from the sofa piled around him. He could’ve done this up in the room, but it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t feel right. 

It’s not much of a fort, but it’s still a comfort. Here nothing else gets in. For a little while at least. If he closes his eyes, he’s back in his room. Not that he typically wishes to be there, but in his room, beneath all the pillows and blankets they could carry, that’s where things felt okay. 

(Reggie isn’t here with him, he wishes he was.)

Footsteps approach and Sirius prepares to be interrupted, prepares to need to put everything back where he found it and face the day. A day he’s very much not looking forward to, there’s no reason to celebrate today. The feet stop in front of him and his breath stops for a second, but it’s only Lily. She sits and he lets her. Something just feels right letting her sit, anyone else he would have turned away. 

Almost anyone else. 

He hangs in the shadows all day. Not going to meals, not going to classes even. No one pushes him to and he doesn’t get in trouble either. His friends find him after breakfast, still sitting with Lily, though that’s when he puts the fort away. Someone is with him all day keeping him company. 

It’s a quiet birthday, in a different way than he learned to live with before. The last thing that happens, just before he falls asleep in the last minutes of his birthday, Remus leans over to his bed. 

“I’m giving you another chance, it’s your birthday present.”

“A chance?” His voice wavers. 

“The moon, on Sunday. Moony misses Padfoot.”

Do you miss me? He thinks, “Okay, I’ll come. I won’t mess up.” He says instead. 

His question is answered anyway. Remus leans further in and rests their foreheads together for just a moment. His eyes flutter shut and don’t open until Sirius is sure he is gone and back in his own bed. Just as his birthday ends. 

Everything starts to move faster again after that. Days don’t drag quite as much, Sirius doesn’t feel quite as alone. There are still days, still nights, that he feels the world caving in on him. Still times that he can’t stand to be himself so he haunts the halls of the castle at night in hopes that someone might pet Padfoot’s head for some type of comfort. There’s still nights, dark and lonely nights that he dreams of his childhood and longs to have that back. Even if it wasn’t much good anyway. 

One moon passes, and everyone can see the difference Padfoot being there makes. They don’t talk about that, they don’t talk about any of it. Back to routine, helping Remus the days before and the days after. Alleviating his pain, taking notes in classes, all of the things they have been doing for years. None of the things they would rather not talk about. 

A second moon passes and Sirius almost feels like he’s been forgiven. He’s not shut out, Remus comes to him alone, it’s different, but it’s better. That’s really all he can ask for. It will never go back to how it was. That’s okay, he can live with that. At least most nights he feels like it will be okay. Not always, that’s far too much to expect. 

Sirius wants a lot of things that he can’t have. A lot of contradictory things too. 

If he ever talks about it, which he rarely does, he makes sure he doesn’t say it all. James knows that he wants to never go back to Grimmauld Place, but not that he misses his brother more than anything. Lily knows that, but not that he’s never going back. It’s the only way he can keep going. Besides, no one knows how far from the Reggie he raised the current Regulus is. If he stayed, it wouldn’t be worth much. 

(He can’t get his brother back from the grasp of their parents.) 

This all brings him to Christmas, he’s back at the Potter’s. Except this time he moves in permanently. He gets a room. When he came over the summer, it was almost like running away, but he didn’t know how to make it final at the time. Going back and not seeing concern for what Mother had done in his brother’s eyes sealed the deal. He didn’t care that she had used a second unforgivable on him. The only one left would be a fatal blow. Maybe one day she’ll get the chance, he knows she’s dying to. 

(Or will that be Regulus who gets the honor passed down to him?)

He moves in, it doesn’t take very long. He doesn’t have much of his stuff. Effie gets him more, she makes the room a warm place for him. She has a second son now, she’s happy to become him. Sirius loves that she calls him a son, she’s always let him call her Effie or mum, whatever he wanted. Now it’s practically official. 

He loves that he has a family that wants him now. He loves that he has Effie, a mum, that shows him affection instead of adding to the scars that litter his body. But through it all he winces at any mention of James being a brother. This is Sirius’ new family, but he only has one brother. Everyone should know that. 

(He has one brother, only ever one.) 

-1977-

Effie and Monty send them back off on the train to school each with a hug and a kiss on the head. She reminds Sirius that she’ll see him at the end of term, he’ll come home then. Home. Never having to go anywhere else again. the best thing he can do for himself now is look forward. Stop thinking about the past, stop thinking about the family that doesn’t love him. 

It should be easy. Almost instantly it’s not. 

When Lily returns to find them after a Prefect meeting she slides in next to him somberly. 

“Hi Lils, have a good holiday?” he’s almost chipper, feeling revitalized. 

“The first half was nothing special. Tuney came home from her friend’s for the second half. She actually stayed at the house for most of it after that. Didn’t want to talk to me all that much, but we spent some time together.”

“I told you she missed you too.”

“Not sure when we’ll do that again, but it was nice. She didn’t— she never admitted to missing me, so I won’t get my hopes up about any of it.” Lily sighs into it, he knows he can’t make it any better. “What about you?”

“It was great. Had a lovely time. With Petunia though, don’t count her out, don’t push her away. If she’s spending any time with you that’s a good sign.” He offers. 

(If Regulus hadn’t pushed him away, maybe he wouldn’t have left home. If Regulus had shown that he cared, maybe…)

“You seem happy. Happier than most times I see you on the train.”

“I am. Things are good. Really, I mean that.” Not counting the thoughts and feelings he locked away in the depths of his mind. 

“Why’s that? When I saw your brother he looked… down, I guess? More than usual.” 

He can’t focus on that. “I live at James’ now. Can’t go back to that old house.” 

She has more to say, he doesn’t want to hear it. There isn’t any time for her to make any comments, because James heard his name and he felt summoned to the conversation. It erupts the rest of the compartment in laughter and talking. Sirius and Lily never go back to this conversation, he likes it better that way. She got Petunia back, she didn’t push. She might, he doesn’t want her to. It wouldn’t do her any good. If anything she should cling to her, but Sirius knows better than to give that advice. They are long past when advice would help between the two of them. It just takes a while to notice that change. 

To realize that maybe they don’t have the understanding they used to. That as much as they know each other, there is something that stands between them. 

(The space between older and younger is both an absence and a presence they can’t shake.)

During spring term everything continues to change. It started at least a year ago, possibly longer, but now it’s rapid and there is no way to stop it. Sirius is officially free of the House of Black, he could feel the shift. The moment he was burned off the tapestry. It happened over the holidays but he ignored it. He still ignores it, but he knows it happened. Nothing changes with his magic, just a feeling in his gut. Something inside of him. 

(A weight lifted off of him. Did it pass on to Regulus?)

There are so many little changes he feels all the time. The way Remus looks at him, the severity of each moon, the general mood amongst their friends. An impending war they are already hearing about despite being in school still. Thinking about their futures in ways they never planned to. At times it feels like he’s being controlled again but by another force. It's still better than Walburga. 

All of the small changes start to pile up. Growing and building. 

But Sirius doesn’t truly notice any of it until one day. 

Walking back to the castle from the pitch alone. He passes a group of people standing off to the side. Thinks nothing of it. Pushes away the feeling of familiarity he gets radiating off of them. Doesn’t think about how Regulus is standing at the center. Well, he tries not to. Until a curse hits him in the back. 

“Cheap shot Reggie.” He calls out, dusting himself off, barely phased by the simple stun. 

By the time he turns around everyone else is gone, only his brother remains. Brother, a strange word to think about now. He can’t think of him any other way. He’s no longer part of the family, no one wanted him to stay there, but he still has a brother. Won’t he always? He wonders now if Regulus watched his face get burned off, if he reveled in it with their parents. Finally rid of the disappointment that is Sirius. 

That’s thinking too highly, they probably didn’t even watch as he faded. Just got it over with and then celebrated. He doesn’t like to think about it. Leaving nearly killed him, staying was killing him. Sirius wasn’t made to survive any of it, he was set up to fail. But he made it out to the other side. Does any one know what to do with that?

“It hit you, didn’t it?”

“Throw the curses to my face, not behind my back hiding among your friends.” He pushes not caring how far this could go. 

Regulus does just that. Throws curse after curse at him as if in a duel. Sirius never lifts his wand. It’s not like he’s losing, he doesn’t show any of the pain this causes. Just lets it happen. One day he’ll get him back, they’ll properly duel and Sirius will win. Of course he will. For now he just remains stoic, carefully boxing away every emotion as it hits him before his face gives him away. 

“Done yet?”

He snickers. “Oh have you had enough?”

“You’d have to kill me for that to be true.” 

This isn’t the only time they see each other. For the first time in years, Sirius finds his brother at every turn. Ready to fling a hex in his direction. He even starts doing it to Sirius’ friends. Not that it is very surprising, Regulus never liked any of them. He hated hearing him talk about his friends. So the fact that he’s attacking them or having his own friends attack them, it’s exactly what he would expect. 

There is no real reason for it. Not that Sirius can deduce. He was forced out of that house, that family, Regulus sealed the deal. He didn’t want him there, he didn’t fight for him to stay. In fact he may as well have been the one to pack his bags and burn him off, eating out of the palm of their parents’ hands, doing everything they ask. If he thought that his mother still spared any thoughts for him, he would think she’s asking Regulus to attack him every chance he gets. Punish him now that she no longer can. 

It goes on longer than it should. Sirius can’t catch a break. But most of the time he pretends not to notice. The new cuts and bruises don’t faze him. He can take it, he just doesn’t make a big deal of it. Maybe it’s a brotherly thing, they are just teasing each other like they used to. It’s not more than that if he doesn’t want it to be. 

What can he do about it really? He’s not planning to tell anyone to get him in trouble. It wouldn’t matter if he started to get detentions, Regulus wouldn’t stop whatever this is. He’s just proving again and again that he hates Sirius. Hurting him at every turn, hammering the nail into the coffin on them being brothers. The word brother will be buried with them, burned along with the tapestry. 

Did their parents put him up to this? Surely not, they wouldn’t want anything like this to stain the family name. To hurt their precious reputation. This is purely Regulus then, this is how he feels and… That’s fine. He can hate Sirius for getting out, he can hate Sirius for who he is, he can hate him all he wants. It doesn’t change that they are built of the same blood. 

(They’re still brothers, they will always be brothers.)

For years he could avoid and ignore and now that he’s free, now that he is disowned, he can’t fully get away. The house has a death grip on him even from so far away. It haunts him at every turn. 

He starts to take different ways around the castle whenever he can. Sirius knows that the longer this goes on, the crueler Regulus gets, the worse he will become too. He could hurt him, he could do more damage than anyone else. No one can hurt him the way he could if he tried. Just as it is the same in return. But he stays to hidden hallways that he discovers with the map, walking them just to try to keep himself sane. 

It’s in those halls that he thinks he hears an echo of his mother. As if coming from one of the portraits. She would have to be dead for that, and he knows that she is not. He whips around, light out aimed at a portrait he’s never seen before. No family member, no recognition. It’s not Walburga, but even still he can’t get away. Always haunted no matter what he does. 

The weeks pass by and soon the year is ending. Birthdays and moons and everything in between is gone in a blink. All he seems to know is the pounding in his head and aching in his chest coming from the black holes that exist in each. One ripped open, one where he shoves everything he would rather not know. Though now he has a summer to look forward to. 

He’s the first one up on the morning of the train home. Everything he has is already packed and the others are still sleeping away the last few hours they can. Sirius finds himself sitting in the common room to pass the time. Eventually, really not long after he arrives there, Lily comes down and sits with him. 

(He doesn’t want to talk about their siblings, not like he used to crave it, not like she still needs it. )

They do more than that, even if it doesn’t seem like it. Those are the times that stick out the most in his head, the times that could only be shared between him and Lily. Really though, Lily is one of his best friends. He misses her when they haven’t seen each other for a while and he quite enjoys the ways they make each other laugh no matter the time. He wonders what it would be like if they never found out the other had a sibling to begin with. 

He knows the answer to that, they wouldn’t have become as close. Which is rather a problem now that it so often drives a wedge between them. He ignores it most of the time. Opting to now look at Lily and only see his friend, not someone who is a little sister. He really tries to do that. It’s better for everyone if he does. Better to act on his own, not tied to a family or siblings. He’s just Sirius. 

Lily doesn’t always do the same thing. “You’re really not going home?” 

“I am going home. I live with James now.” The truth rolls off his tongue. “If you mean that haunted house, no I will never go there again. I’m not welcome any how.”

“He misses you.” She says after a beat of silence. 

He wants to pretend he doesn’t hear it. But his head and his heart already have and both are cracking into a million pieces. His face only doesn’t give that away because he knows it isn’t true. He knows the truth, he knows that Regulus hates him. This is just Lily trying to get him to care again, trying to… It’s not worth it, whatever she’s doing. He won’t go back there and he knows better, he knows that Regulus doesn’t miss him. He wouldn’t tell Lily of all people even if he did. 

(Maybe Lily just misses Petunia. She wants Petunia to go back to her. Sirius isn’t Petunia and Lily isn’t Regulus.)

“He spent all term trying to torment me, attacking me and James and Remus and even Peter at every chance he got. Or sending his friends after us if it wasn’t him.”

“That— he misses you. He never wanted you to leave, he told me…”

“Oh he told you?” Sirius can’t help but scoff. “Sure, just like he told me that I should have stayed. I wouldn’t be surprised if it were him to burn my face off that blasted tapestry.” 

She doesn’t respond. They sit in silence until anyone else comes down the stairs. They can’t walk away from each other no matter how much they want to. It’s an understanding. Sirius proving that he can stay, that he doesn’t bolt at any chance. Lily trusting that he means it and making sure it’s known she wants him there. 

(It’s not at all the same. Any similarities are gone.)

This is the last summer. All of them are of age, meaning they can more easily and more freely travel to see each other. Of course the Potter’s is the first house to be flooded with seventeen year olds. Not only because two of the group live there, but it’s large and open and Effie loves to host. She takes care of everyone as if they are her own. Sirius has always loved that about her, it makes him reminded that she didn’t do all she has done for him out of pity. Only love. 

They don’t see each other every week, but it’s more often than not that someone is visiting. Sirius and James, meeting up with Peter, always go to Remus for the moons. Just two for the summer, but that’s when they make it out to Wales. No one else comes then, they don’t mention the trip around everyone when they next are together. 

Lily invites everyone to her house, her parents are always eager to meet her friends, supposedly, and want to learn more about magic. It’s funny watching them gape and gawk as they all arrive by various means. No one can floo, their fire place isn’t in the network. But a few apparate, some set a portkey, and the knight bus is involved too. All of which confuse and shock the Evanses. 

Notably missing when he arrives is Petunia. He had wanted to meet her, if just to say hello. They don’t know each other, not even in a philosophical sense. Though he does still believe whole heartedly that she loves her sister. Whether it is true or not, Sirius will continue to tell Lily that. He knows things like that can break and change, but as long as it’s nothing permanent, he’ll reassure her. 

She doesn’t come around the whole weekend, off with a boyfriend apparently. Better than to have her there and ridiculing them. Better than to have her there and proving Sirius wrong. Not that he has more of a stake in it than his friend’s happiness. But really, older siblings do all that they can, they try their best. They don’t have anyone leading them. 

(He and Petunia are not the same, maybe she’s capable of hurting Lily the way Regulus has hurt him.)

The last week of the summer Effie tells them they should stay put. No traveling all across the country. It’s only a week until they are back and living with their friends, spend some time at home for now. So they do. Not a bother, they have a great time. Flying, both as practice and for fun, is what takes up most of the time. 

A letter comes with Sirius’ name on it. No return address and he doesn’t recognize the owl. He puts it next to his bed, not looking at it. He doesn’t know what it could be and he’s a bit wary of it. Not ready to find out. Maybe it’s just remus, or another of his friends. It could even just be the list of books he needs for seventh year. 

But then two letters come together with the proper seal on them a day later. Their letters. 

Sirius trudges upstairs, and burns the letter. Burns it up in a crisp in less than a second. He doesn’t need to read it. If it was one of his friends, they’ll talk in just a few days now. But he knows it wasn’t them. He knows who it was and there are no words that he cares to read from him right now. His stomach in his throat thinking about what it could say. Nothing good.

The letter is gone, it doesn’t matter now. 

By the time he walks back downstairs he’s not even thinking about it anymore. There was no letter as far as he’s concerned. They pop out of the house and to Diagon Alley and he pretends not to notice when he sees his brother turn down a side street. He pretends that their eyes don’t meet, filled with every emotion under the sun. None of that happens, there was no letter, there’s nothing left. Regulus is gone from view and it wouldn’t do him any good to linger. 

Seventh year is a daunting feat. They have harder courses and more expectations and… it’s the end. Weird to think about really. This has been home for so long now that it’s hard to think it suddenly won’t be in mere months. The train ride is different, though only because they have a week or two to catch up on rather than months. 

There are new shifts, or perhaps just more noticeable. The way Lily and James now sit together, shoulders brushing against each other. They never used to do that, though it started to head in this direction some time last year or over the summer. All of a sudden it’s become part of the dynamic and no one is complaining. Well, Sirius would quite like his own time with each of them, but he can find a way to make do with both at once. 

(It’s not like he and Lily can talk the way they used to anymore.)

Besides, he can’t really be one to talk. He and Remus are whatever they are. Not always out in the open, but definitely behind closed doors. Almost never apart. Almost never more than a fingertip away from the other. Sirius could get lost in him and never need to find a way out. He didn’t see this coming, even after years of doing a stupid dance. He never expected it. 

It makes him happier than anything could. It grows quickly into something he knows that he never wants to be without. The first moon comes up quickly and their proximity is tested immensely. Remus lashes out even before the moon is out, for days leading up to it. No matter what Sirius stays and bears it. 

The thing that no one seems to understand is that Sirius is not phased by pain. Not really and not in the way others are. something he learned from the house he grew up in is that intention is everything. It’s the only way for unforgivables to work, for the caster to truly mean it. So when Remus scratches him or screams at him for half of the night under the cloak of a silencing spell, he doesn’t bat an eye. 

He stands there and takes it. All of it is because of the pain he’s in. It’s only directed at Sirius because he stands in the line of fire. No amount of pain could get him to want to move out of the way. Sirius has suffered enough curses made to hurt him inside and out that he sees the difference. 

After the first one, he holds Remus who apologizes over and over. For no reason, he doesn’t need to be sorry for any of it. This was never his choice, he was so young when this was done. The world failed him, but now Sirius will cradle him until the end of time. He’ll make up for the pain the world has inflicted on Remus. He deserves more than that, but that’s what he has to give. 

As the year presses on, not quite Sirius’ birthday but just about, more talk of the war arises. People being scouted to fight without full auror training. He jumps at the chance. He offers himself up the second they are through with school. The main problem with this, is that it means James joins, which brings Lily. Him signing on to fight, brings in Remus too, though he’s being asked for even more. 

Within a day all of their friends have agreed to fight at varying degrees. Sirius possibly the most. He has more to fight for. He knows what they are fighting more than most. He wants to prove that he is better than where he comes from. 

From then on school is somewhat of a background priority. Not that he can’t pass with flying colors regardless of how much he pays attention. He’s known more magic from a younger age than anyone here. At least in his year. Much of that is magic that is not allowed, but why think about that? He’s about to fight for the right side of a war, why should it matter what he does to win?

“So what are we doing for your birthday this year?” James bounds into the room after having been missing for much of the day. 

“Hello to you too Jamie dear. Where have you been?”

“You’re not my mother. Plus you could have looked at the map.” He waves him off. “Birthday! We have two days to plan and acquire all that we need. Start thinking my dear Padfoot.” 

From across the room Peter laughs. “A party obviously. I already sent for the drinks. Picking it up tomorrow.”

Sirius lets them bounce ideas around and plan it all. He isn’t sure how he feels about his birthday anymore. It hasn’t felt like a true birthday in years. Really he doesn’t know if any of them have since he turned eleven. The last time he spent his birthday in that house in his room in a fort built by his brother. Nothing can replicate that. He doesn’t even try. 

A party is what they have. The biggest one yet, at least from what he can tell. They don’t refuse entry to the younger students, they should be allowed to have some fun. What with an impending war on the horizon. At least that’s the cover for why they are invited if anyone asks. Really he just doesn’t care to exclude anyone. 

He does his best to have fun. He shuts his mind off as much as he can on his own. There’s been an itch in his mind for years now. Begging to be relieved of control. Begging to find peace and quiet from the madness he houses in him. That feeling of freedom only comes with something unforgivable and he doesn’t dare ask anyone to help him with that. 

The last time he asked, it didn’t end as planned. But he can still do what he always does, file everything away into little boxes inside his brain. Lock them up and piled them high behind bars. With it he locks up his inhibitions and his judgement. Why have a care in the world when he can just be free?

This leads him to being a wreck. Drunk within twenty minutes, dancing on the table five minutes after that. No one stops him. Until he starts wobbling as he walks, then Remus scoops an arm around him and supports all of his weight. They make their way across the room to the stairwell that leads upstairs. 

“Taking me to bed Moony? The party has just started…” His words slur together, though he’s sure it’s still possible to make them out. 

“Just to catch your breath. Is everything okay?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Sirius challenges. 

Across from him Remus doesn’t look amused. Why doesn’t he find this fun? “You don’t like your birthday.”

“Says who?”

“Me. I know you quite well, in case you’ve forgotten. Which you must have the way you’ve been acting.”

“What’s tha supposed’ ta mean?” 

He shakes his head. “Nothing. You’re free to dance with and make eyes at anyone you wish. Do more than that for all I care. Just— never mind.”

That’s not the first fight they have. It’s definitely not the last either. After this one, they become more frequent. Only ever out of sight from any one else, but never late at night. In front of their friends they continue as they always have, bickering just the same amount. Not the slightest bit more. At night, it’s usually Sirius who slips out of bed and finds his way into Remus’. It’s between those times that they find reasons to fight and argue. 

About nothing at all. Sirius can’t figure out what he’s doing wrong and why it’s like this when it didn’t used to be. He knows that people tend to stop loving him at one point, sooner or later, he just didn’t expect this. Not the way it’s coupled with love under the sheets in stolen glances. Love. That’s what he thinks it is, hopes it is, needs it to be. 

Though maybe he’s not capable of being loved. It’s never worked in the past. He’s programmed to drive everyone away even if he clings on. Claws dig in to the people he cares about most and he refuses to let go. He doesn’t want to. Does he even have full claws left? At times he thinks his claws were pulled from him and rest forever stuck in Regulus’ arm. Maybe that’s why he hates him. He can’t pull the claws out, he can’t get free from them and that could be all he wants. Sirius still grips hard, hoping that he could one day be loved. Without the fear of losing. 

Without looking at the clock wondering when time will run out on this love. 

It’s mostly a blur. He doesn’t think too hard about it. If he does it will surely end in disaster. But perhaps it will either way. There’s not much he has control over, let alone the way people love him. That’s never been in his control and it never will be. Something that took him far too long to figure out. But this—this can be easy. Sirius lets it be easy because it would hurt too much to be anything else. 

That’s actually mostly a lie. Nothing is easy for Sirius. Not when he is who he is. Whatever that means. There’s something under his skin, what that is, he’s not sure. But something about him that makes everything fundamentally harder. It’s who he is. It’s all nearly fucking impossible. Can he blame this on his family, on his parents? He does anyway. Everything is the way it is because he is Sirius Black. That’s just how it is. 

(Love in any form is foreign to him. He loved Reggie though, didn’t he?)

So loving Remus is hard and it hurts, but sometimes it feels better than anything he has ever known, so he accepts whatever he can get. Letting Remus rip his throat out at any chance is a small price to pay. He knows that he has the capability to do so much worse. Not that he wants to, he really really doesn’t. And then it comes back to him being Sirius. 

That doesn’t turn him away, so it only grows. 

It grows and grows until it’s a bit too obvious to hide. If they even tried to hide it at the beginning. It’s not quite clear to him, nothing he ever did was meant to be hidden. He will love Remus loudly in a language only they know. Not to hide it, just because that’s the only way it can be. This doesn’t work like anything normal or average. It’s so much more than that. 

Amidst all of that, amidst finding love in his own heart, Sirius stops thinking. He catches himself doing that, and turns his brain back on just enough to make sure he thinks some decisions through. He will absolutely not be making another mistake like he did in fifth year. But he doesn’t think about the things he would rather not. Less frequently at least. 

Only when he’s forced to. Only when he passes by and thinks he sees his brother in the halls and it’s like a ghost. Watching Regulus carry on as if nothing ever were different than it is now. Holding his head high in the way they were taught. Becoming everything he was meant to be and more. Heading down an awful path because Mother drilled ideals into his head that have no foundation in truth. 

For the most part, Sirius thinks he is free from it. On good days, maybe he almost is. He could play pretend for long enough that it seems that way. 

It’s the week before Christmas in the library when he’s slapped in the face. 

“You two are eerily similar…” Lily says it in a passing comment, not worth responding to really. 

Except he does, “Who?”

“Your brother. He’s just over there. You sit the same way and I’ve seen you both simultaneous tuck a strand of hair behind your ears more than once.” 

“We aren’t the same.” Sirius folds down over his book, not even reading. Just pretending. 

(They are the same. How could they not be? It’s like looking in a mirror.)

“I was just saying. Anyway he’s on his own if you wanted to go over and say hello or anything,” She adds. What she doesn’t say is I would want Petunia to say hi if she were here. 

(Sirius is not Petunia and Regulus is not Lily. Why can’t she understand that?)

He doesn’t respond, there’s nothing to say. Though the way he huffs and collects his things before storming out of the library and back to the dormitory may as well be a response. As soon as he is through the door he drops everything making an utter mess. He’ll clean it up later. He can’t right now. 

It haunts him, it will always be part of him. It’s awful. He’s forced back into thinking about it, into remembering who he is and where he came from. Into thinking about him. Suddenly there is a buzzing that won’t leave his mind. He was better off when he wasn’t thinking. 

Everything will turn off again soon. It’s only a matter of time. When Sirius isn’t thinking, things feel good. There’s a bit of bliss that carries him around, oblivious to everything trying to haunt him. 

There is a future to worry about, but they still have a few months before it matters. Before they are thrown into a war none of them are prepared to fight. That’s what he will turn parts of him mind back on. The lights will stay off where he needs them to, but he’ll be tuned in, ready to do whatever he has to do for the right side of the war. Even if it means hurting his own blood. 

After all, they are the only ones who can hurt each other. That’s what it comes down to in the end. 

(Black family blood can only be spilled by another Black.) 

-1978-

They make it through to exams. The last exams they will have while in school and then they are just done. Like that. Somehow so simple now. Seven years over and done with. Sirius would be free if it weren’t for the war. But if that’s the one and only thing keeping a hold on him, then maybe that can be okay. At least he’s in it with all of the people closest and most important to him. 

He doesn’t try very hard on any of the exams. The only times he studies are when they are all studying together. Even then, he spends more time thinking up pranks they can pull before they leave and ways to continue having fun when they are gone from here. That’s what he places importance on. It’s not like he needs a job, though he would think about getting one if there wasn’t a war. No time for a job and no need for money. He has all that he could need. 

For a brief moment, one night while they are all both celebrating and mourning the end of school, a terrible thought swirls around. 

“What if we aren’t all together again for a long time?” Mary looks around the group, brow furrowed. 

“No need to worry about that.” He waves her off. 

“What did you do?” James eyes him, and he just laughs. 

The thought was passing. Why would he think about the chance that they are separated? He of course has plans because he knows even if they aren’t far, they will still likely be in separate houses or flats. He just knows that they are all planning to help in the war, so there’s mandatory seeing each other time. Not to mention none of them will have jobs to waste their time at, so they can spend as much time together as they like. Apparation exists, as do floos. 

But really Sirius knows that they don’t have to worry about it because his claws are stuck in every one of his friends. He’s not letting them go that easily. They will still see each other, if only slightly less frequently. That’s only due to living in different places rather than across the room. He’s not worried. His friends are one thing he doesn’t have to worry about. 

“Nothing, I just know we don’t need to worry about it. We’re gonna have each other for a long time.” Sirius smiles, after a beat he’s met with faces beaming back at him. 

That carries them through the last day in the castle and the train ride back to London. They all make promises of when the will next see each other. Outside of any meetings about the war to be specific. Some will see each other sooner than others. Some just can’t stay away from each other. It’s just how it is. 

Sirius and James of course are going home together. Remus will be with his Ma until he comes to the Potters in a week. He’s staying while they look for flats. Just because, Peter will be there too. Outside of the four of them, Sirius makes plans with Lily to go visit her. 

(He wants to meet Petunia, just to know her. He understands her a lot of the time, but he doesn’t know her.)

The girls are all making their own plans as they exit the train. There isn’t always a clear divide, but when it’s hard for everyone to get together they split off. It won’t be like that always. Besides, James and Lily can hardly spend much time apart now. Always together, horribly falling for each other. Though if two of his friends had to end up like this, they would have always been his top pick. He’s happy for his people. 

The war starts to take a toll on all of them, sooner than they expected. Some more than others. It takes a bit of time for the effects to be noticeable, but they come. Sirius throws himself into fighting, always willing to be on the front lines face to face with the other side. He isn’t allowed right away, but the moment he is he’s there. He’s there and ready to do anything that is necessary. 

For the first few months or so they are good at making time to be together. They go back to one flat after meetings and spend the night laughing and falling over each other. Ending up sleeping in a puddle of limbs on the ground. Awful for trying to be well rested, but amazing for their hearts. Never have they been so full after nights like that. 

As everything starts to get worse, it’s harder to find the good in each day. A lot of days there aren’t any good things. Other than having each other. Sirius sleeps most nights next to Remus and that can be enough to keep going. James and Lily have each other and that’s enough for them too. All of their friends have a safe haven, something that pushes them to keep going and keep fighting. 

It takes time to figure that out. It takes time to find balance. It takes some errors along the way too. 

“It’s getting bleak, but we must…” He stops listening to the meeting, it’s always the same.

Instead Sirius muffles his voice and leans over to Lily. “How is your family, has all of this affected muggles?”

“I haven’t heard from them much. Safer that way.” She solemnly answers, a bit mechanically. 

“I’m sorry Lils. You have us, we’re your family too.” Then he takes a risk. “Do you know if your sister is alright?”

(He wonders about his brother, but he doesn’t dare ask. Who would he even ask?)

“No idea. She cut contact, didn’t want anything to do with our kind.” Lily turns away and back to listening to the meeting. Neither of them care about it. He starts waiting for her to bring up her sister instead of asking. 

It’s almost the end of the year and he’s sent off to guard a safe house. None of his friends are with him. That makes it easier to lose himself when they get attacked in the middle of the night. His skills in a duel are unmatched. Though with his friends fighting alongside him he enhances in some ways. Dulls in others. They give him energy but he won’t dare do certain magic in front of them.

This time when they are attacked, Sirius and the two aurors he’s stationed with that is, jump into action. He goes full force. Not holding back. Not thinking about what spells he’s throwing before or even after they leave his wand. There come more similarities from his wand with the opposition than his own side, but what does it matter when they are fighting for the same reason. It’s all magic.  

It’s not until a familiar wand catches his eye. A memory jolts through him. When he was around eleven perhaps, of standing next to a shorter boy. One he used to know quite well. Just getting this wand for the first time and feeling the weight of it in his hands. Casting his first intentional spell, though already somewhat proficient in simple magic. 

The corners of his lips quirk up into a smirk. Sirius doesn’t think too hard about it, not until later. For now he just puts even more energy behind all that he does. His spells are more forceful. Maybe even darker in some ways. He doesn’t hold back. How could he? It would seem weak if he held back even slightly. Every spell cast brings one in return of equal strength for him to dodge or take. 

He’s evenly matched. For the first time in a long time. Not so much so that he could be overpowered. Just the right amount. It’s a dance. They go back and forth and deflect and defend while the other is on the offense. Seamlessly they switch. It’s as if they are connected. He has no idea what is happening with the other aurors, he doesn’t have time to look around. 

No one jumps in on their duel. From either side. Anyone would be a dead man if they did. He can’t see his eyes as they fight but he’s sure the grey has a twinkle in it. One that matches his own right now. They go around and around one upping each other with every spell cast. Most of it is wordless, spells most do not know. Ones they only learned from living in that house. 

Sirius finds himself laughing. Childlike laughter that fills him to the brim and spills over sounding like hysterics. 

(He missed his brother, he missed this. Who can he even tell about this?) 

The worst part is when he watches him get sucked away. Pulled out of the duel that should have only been able to end with one of them dead or dying on the ground. He’s sucked into the air in a cloud of black smoke and with him goes all of the air from Sirius’ lungs. One of the aurors catches him when he falls. They ask questions but he doesn’t answer. They think he’s hurt, or he assumes based on how they fawn over him. 

He doesn’t ask them to, but they bring him to James and Lily. That’s where he would want to go anyway seeing as Remus is off on a secret mission that he couldn’t even tell him about. As if Sirius cares enough about this war to interfere or cause problems. He collapses on their sofa and both of them fret over him, thinking he’s injured. 

After a while they find no lasting wounds, nothing more than superficial cuts. None of which bother him, he can handle much worse. James ends up falling asleep next to him, out like a light. Curled against him rather than in his own bed upstairs. He feels like a teenager again like this, a younger teenager that is. Technically they still are, or maybe not. It’s hard to keep track right now. 

It’s Lily who stays awake with him all night. She sees that he hasn’t dozed off and refuses to either. Can she tell? Does she see the recency of the pain in his eyes? The recently washed away glee of dueling with his brother again? Her hand softly rests on top of his and he knows. She knows too. 

“We can talk about h— it, we can talk about it if you want to.” Lily chooses her words the same way she wishes he could more carefully speak with her. 

“What’s there to say?”

(Everything.)

“Anything you like.”

He thinks, for a long moment. “We fought— dueled— like we used to almost. It was fun until it was over. It ended abruptly instead of how it should have.” 

(In one of their deaths which can only happen at the other’s hand.)

“Seeing him must have been nice at least.” She means that, but perhaps just wishes she had gotten to see Petunia instead. 

“He’s fighting for them. I have no idea why, he could have been great.” He says before rolling over into James and falling asleep. 

-1979-

Sirius never sees his brother again. It starts with a feeling. Something deep within him, in the fabric of his soul, in the threads of the world. He feels the tether snap before he knows for certain what it is that happened. That day he moves around as if nothing is amiss ignoring the way he is crumbling inside. He rolls over in bed against Remus who rises to make coffee and breakfast for them. 

They don’t have a busy day ahead, no meetings and no missions. It’s just a normal day, so Sirius figures he can get through it despite the feeling. He pushes it away knowing that they are going to go over and see their friends. Almost everyone is around today, they managed to stay off of any assignments for the first time in months. It’s been much needed and he’s certainly not letting this feeling get the better of him.

“Ready?” Remus asks just after noon. 

“Of course I am. Haven’t seen Prongs in almost two weeks.” 

He laughs, though Sirius can’t force one. “You’ve gone longer without each other before.”

“With great suffering my dear Moons. So much suffering.”

They are the first to arrive, stepping into the house and rushing into their arms. It’s a bit dramatic, sure, but they are in the middle of a war. They have a lot to worry about and it’s getting more and more often that they hear of people going missing or dying while out on missions. None of them are going to die, so they don’t have to worry about it. But it does bring a certain air to every reunion. 

One by one, or a few in pairs, arrive to the Potter house and they can almost pretend everything is as it always has been. If they all close their eyes they could be back in the Gryffindor common room. Except they aren’t. And the conversation quickly shifts to the war as it usually does. There isn’t much else to talk about. Sometimes they can talk about the future and what their lives will look like when they get past all of this, but that never lasts. Someone ends up upset and they have to move on to a topic that is more certain. 

To Sirius it hardly matters what they talk about. Though he does love reminiscing over their years at school. It’s a happier thing, and the girls get a kick out of hearing about the hours and weeks they would pour over books just for a prank. So that’s what they do whenever the conversation dies out. 

A pecking comes at the window, and they all freeze. James excuses himself to get it, which only makes sense it’s likely for him. He hopes it’s not a letter calling on him for a mission right now. He would hate to have this day broken up with anything like that. 

Except when he comes back, the sinking feeling in his stomach and heart come back and bob on the surface. Hesitantly Sirius meets his best friend’s eyes and gets up when he asks him to. Crossing the room and waiting for James to explain, to tell him why he’s felt like this since the middle of the night. 

“You should— just, here.” It’s curt and not like James at all, the way he shoves the Daily Prophet at him. 

In big and bold and black letters,  it reads: 

Black heir dead, survived only by his mother and father. 

He stares at it for longer than he realizes. Something doesn’t click. This is not something that he can comprehend. There’s no way this is true, there is no way that his baby brother is dead. A laugh starts to come up his throat but he pushes it down. Now is not the time for that. 

Absently one hand comes up and starts grabbing at his stomach and then his chest and then his throat. Searching for the string that tethers them together. He knew it was broken before, it’s been broken for years. Or frayed, would be a better way to describe it. As long as his brother is alive, it’s still there no matter how weak the string is. 

But it’s gone. Cut, beyond saving. He gags on the laugh he couldn’t bear letting out. 

It wasn’t long ago that he saw him, how could he be dead? He just turned nineteen, how could he be dead? That’s his little brother, how could he be dead?

Before he tears the paper up, he reads it again. The Black heir, not Regulus. Just the heir, that’s all he ever was to them. That’s all Sirius was to them before he left, before he disgraced the family. Of course he knows that the title was transferred to his brother when he left, but Regulus was more than an heir. He was a brother, he was a child, he was a shining star that was dulled by the weight of the title their parents thrust upon him. 

(He was a brother. He is a brother. Brother, oh brother.)

Now he rips it apart. He keeps his face together, stoic, not letting the emotion clawing at his heart to show. It wouldn’t make sense to everyone else. They won’t get it. Some of them may even be glad he’s dead, he was a Death Eater after all. 

“What can I do?” He jumps to action, as he always does. 

“Nothing. There’s nothing to do, I’m fine.” 

“Pads, Sirius… You don’t have to just—”

“No. Fuck James, just listen. I’m fine. He’s been dead to me for years, this is nothing I haven’t already dealt with. I don’t care!” 

(The space he occupies in Sirius never shrunk or went away, it only became an absence rather than a presence.)

He cares more than words can describe, he doesn’t even try though. His words explode and echo through the house. There’s a faint sound of shuffling behind him, he won’t look. That would require him to stop the shaking in his hands and to look as if everything is fine. He can try, but it won’t do him any good. This isn’t something he can fully erase. Not when his soul is being torn to shreds inside of him and the world as he knew it since he was just more than a year old, is no longer the same. 

For as long as they let him, he stands there in the kitchen breathing. Clenching and unclenching his fist and keeping his eyes closed. Remaining calm or trying to regain calmness, as much as he possibly can. 

It doesn’t last for long. He cracks when Lily comes up from behind and places what is meant to be a comforting hand on his shoulder. She’s the only one who could possibly understand what he feels right now, and yet she also can’t. 

(She still has a sister. She hasn’t lost her like this. She doesn’t understand.)

Sirius crumbles to the ground. She catches him and her hands feel like ice. Everything suffocates him. He doesn’t know how to breathe in a world without his brother. This isn’t right this can’t be right he has to fix it. 

“We’ve got you. We will always have you.” Lily tries to soothe him. 

The world shifts on its axis and it feels like the ground trembles beneath his body because of it. His vision might be hazy but things start to shake all around the house. 

The tighter they grab onto him the more the tension in his body grows. “It’s okay to hurt, I would…”

“Shut up!” He explodes. 

Two windows crack and shatter, the paper on the ground is in flames, Sirius is wrapped in a protective shield. None of it done on purpose, all accidental magic. He hasn’t done anything like that since he was a kid. Since he and… In a long time. James and Lily from there get the message. She goes off while informing James of the letter she plans to write. 

(Lily still has a sister to write letters to. Why hadn’t she sooner? Why did it take Sirius losing him for her to put in the effort?)

Ignoring the protests from James, he goes to manually clean up what he’s done. At least this is something that he can fix. If he can’t bring his brother back, he can clean up the glass from the window. With just the first shard he picks up, his hand gains a slash across his palm. The cut barely stings. He wouldn’t have noticed if it weren’t for the river of blood flowing out. 

He shrugs it off and continues picking up pieces. Each one getting stained with blood. James rushes over to help, wary of being yelled at again, but willing to endure regardless. Better than Sirius deserves. Not something he has energy to worry about. 

All he can think about is his brother. Dying. He’s dead. he died and had no one. He’s his baby brother and he’s dead. He’s not going to grow up. He’s dead. 

The blood drips out of his hand and he barely notices. Each drop reminds him that he’s alive and his brother is not. He can bleed and his brother cannot. His brother will never breathe again and here Sirius is taking advantage of his own breath. 

Everyone else is gone by the time he comes out of the haze. Even James and Lily make themselves scarce, giving him the space he demanded. He feels the charm still floating around him, following him through the house as he tries to simply live. Just that is hard, but somehow the charm helps him. Maybe that’s the only thing keeping his heart beating and his lungs breathing. Otherwise he would be dead. Just like his brother. 

(They could be together again if he were dead.)

He’s not sure if any tears hit his cheeks or if any sound came from his throat when he felt like he was screaming and crying, but if there was it’s gone now. Leaving nothing behind. Sirius is a shell of himself, lurking in the Potter house. He knows he should be somewhere else. He should be with his brother, why can’t he find him? 

Hours pass or maybe it’s days. By now he’s numb. Nothing matters, no one tries to get him out of this. They all let him rot. There’s no reason to not, this is who he is. He’s nothing without being a brother and he doesn’t know if he can call himself that anymore. so he may as well rot until he’s in the ground next to his brother. 

A few nights later he finds James on his way out. “Where are you going?” It’s the first time he’s properly spoken to anyone since. 

“Order meeting. You’ve been excused, given…” He trails off. 

“I’m going.” 

The grief he’s worn like an armor shrugs off him and he’s ready. He can fight. It’s something good that he can do, something that will make him feel anything else. He is tired of thinking about his brother being dead. A mission will help him blow off steam. 

They go, though he can feel the hesitancy emanating off of James. He thinks it is a bad idea, that Sirius needs time to grieve. That he should take a break, rest, let himself feel. James is not frequently wrong, he knows Sirius well enough to know what he needs. Except for when it comes to his brother. He does however know well enough not to push him on this. 

The second they ask for people for a mission that night, Sirius leaps out of his seat. He’s over looked at first, at least half of the room seems to have read the paper. After a handful of others are chosen, he goes right up to Moody and says that he will be helping. That’s his first big mission that is more than just guard duty or something more routine. 

Every day and night for a week he’s out on various missions. Sirius doesn’t take no for an answer when he volunteers. No one argues again. They know that he’s going one way or another, so it’s better that he be given the necessary information. The Order can’t afford losing him. The first few missions are simple. Get in, get out, don’t deviate from the group. Sirius tries his best to follow, only finding it slightly difficult to not stray off on his own. Taking matters into his own hands. Going farther than the mission requires. 

That gets harder. He takes everything with the weight it deserves. He shows no mercy. They end up raiding a hide out for Death Eaters one night, that’s when he can’t control himself. It’s a blur to him, he ends up in a haze that he can’t break out of until he’s home later. Even then, it’s difficult. 

He knows that he kills someone. Two or three people maybe. They deserved it, they are why his brother is dead. Maybe not personally responsible, but that doesn’t make a difference to Sirius. The Order members with him were all instructed to capture anyone they could, take back any evidence possible. Not to kill anyone, but Sirius didn’t care. They had to die. They had to suffer. 

No one sees him kill anyone. He doesn’t tell anyone either. There’s blood on his hands when he goes home afterwards. Not common or uncommon. Sometimes missions get rough, often they don’t. He’s in enough of a haze to not care that his shirt is spattered with blood too. He tracks mud into the flat when he gets home, which is easier to clean than the blood. 

Remus isn’t home, he would have something to say about the blood if he were. But he’s not and Sirius doesn’t want to talk about it anyway. He cleans himself off, but some of the blood is caked under his finger nails. He doesn’t know how it got there. He doesn’t actually know how he killed the people, just that he did. He thinks they were Death Eaters, or they were helping Death Eaters. They were in a hide out either way and there was not time to ask questions. 

It makes no difference to him how he killed them. Sirius has no idea how his brother died, why would it matter how these people did? The fact that it was at his hand doesn’t change anything. He is to blame for his brother being dead, that much he knows. So maybe these aren’t even the first people he killed. 

(Maybe he killed his brother.)

A week later he leaves the flat after Remus has gone to sleep. He’s a fairly deep sleeper, and Sirius helped to tire him out before leaving. He had been gone for a few days, not for a moon, just some other mission that he doesn’t want to talk about, so it was nice to have each other for a night. They’ll be back together soon, Sirius just has somewhere to go. 

It’s been a little over two weeks since, at least, he thinks. Time hasn’t been moving the same and there is something missing inside him that he thinks used to keep him grounded. There must have been a funeral for his brother though, and he didn’t get to go. No one told him of it. A small part of him hopes that means it hasn’t happened yet, but he knows better. There are pure blood processes that must be followed, meaning that no more than a week after one has died they are to be buried and mourned. 

He wanders through the graveyard by only the sliver of moonlight in the sky. He’s known where his brother would be buried for a long time now. It’s the same plot where his parents will be buried, and where he would have been a long time ago. He finds it easily. 

A row of four spots, next to other members of the family that have passed. Only one of these has a stone. One will never have a stone. The other two should have had stones before the one that does. Long before. He hates the sight of this. 

His brother’s name carved across it, and he nearly throws up. He can’t do that on the grave, which is the only thing that forces him to shove the bile back down his throat. 

Regulus Arcturus Black

Son and Heir to the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black

The one thing that should be written there isn’t. The one thing that he would always be no matter what. Before he was the heir, he was a brother. Even in his brother’s death, Sirius is erased. This is not what he would want. He hates this, he should be carved there for eternity. They were— are brothers. They will always be brothers, even through the ground. 

He notices that the ground is untouched though. No dirt and no markings to show the land was refilled over his body. He’s not buried here. For a split second he thinks, Regulus is alive, but he knows that he would have felt it. He felt him die, he knows that he is not alive. His body was simply never recovered. At least the gravestone that leaves Sirius off it doesn’t rest over anyone. He’s still a brother wherever he may be. 

There are flowers scattered over the grave though, some wilting from the days they have been here. He vanishes them, hating the sight. Hating that anyone dare to mourn his brother without him. That anyone dare to let him die. Sirius apparates away and back in barely more than a second. Holding flowers in his hand and laying them over the stone. Only his flowers are needed here. 

The night is still young, so he folds into himself and settles on the ground as Padfoot. It feels familiar and allows him to breathe. He sniffs at the gravestone but it doesn’t smell right. It doesn’t smell like his brother. He lets himself have this for just a bit. He’ll leave soon, he should get home before morning. Only, he knows that he won’t be able to come back here. So he stays as long as he can bear it. It’s easier as Padfoot. 

He stays for as long as the stars are visible in the sky. As Padfoot he can’t truly tell which any of them are, but seeing them is enough for him. The second they start to fade and the daylight begins to overtake them, he’s up and skulking away. He turns back to take one last glance at the stone, he can’t stand to do that as himself. Bowing his head he continues off, making it home just before sunrise. He doesn’t turn back to Sirius until he wakes in the morning to find Remus scratching his head behind his ear. None the wiser that he was gone most of the night. No one needs to know where he was, that’s between him and his brother. 

The spring goes by in a whirlwind. Sirius is off on missions more often than he’s not. Filling the time when he doesn’t want to be left alone. Their flat is empty most of the time, with Remus off on missions and Sirius fighting every chance he gets. He stops sleeping, he’s barely a person. It’s hard to do anything when the one person he has is always gone. Unannounced too. He’ll come home after spending the day on a raid or having lunch with James and Lily or stopping by Peter’s house, and he’ll be gone. There’s one jacket that he always wears and it’s gone, so he knows that he will be gone for a few days. 

It gets hard. Wondering when he’ll be home or when he’ll be gone for long stretches. Even when he gets back he doesn’t say anything about where he’s been. Sirius makes the mistake of asking more than once and he ends up disappointed that he gets no information. It’s just how it is during a war. He gets lonely.

All he really wants is to fill his mind. He doesn’t want even a spare second to think. Not when every thought that he has leads to his brother and his brother is dead so it doesn’t get him anywhere. He ends up upset. The Order is happy to have someone so willing to step up that they don’t even question it. 

He’s always out and running himself ragged, but it’s a war. He can use that excuse for as long as the war is going and no one will bother to wonder why he hasn’t slept in weeks or why he doesn’t breathe the same anymore. It’s just how it is. 

Until things happen that don’t happen during wars. James proposes and then there’s a wedding to plan. It’s discussed before it happens, and Sirius excitedly hugs his best friend and waits the two days after that for him to call through the mirror. Lily shoves her hand into view with a simple ring, one that belonged to Effie, now adorning her finger. He rushes over to their house and jumps into action. 

They’ll get married by the end of the summer they decide. Which gives a few months to enjoy the momentary bliss and the momentary reprieve from the war. That only exists in the confines of their house though. The happiness is enough to fuel him for a few hours, sometimes even a whole day.

This gives Sirius another thing to throw himself into. When he’s not on missions, he’s with Lily planning. First it is for an engagement party. Really just a reason to demand that all of their friends make one night free to spend together. It’s the best night they have had in a long time. Even Remus make sure that he is free, though maybe he’s been home more often anyway. Sirius isn’t home much now, he’s always here with Lily and James. 

Just for that night they forget there is a war going on. During the party that is. When everyone arrives it’s different than it used to be. There are wards they all have to go through. Sirius of course is used to this, the Black house has blood wards that each member of the family is coded into when they are born, but these are different. These require keys and passwords or someone from inside to let you in. It breaks the magic of the happy night just ever so slightly. 

From there, all of June and July he helps to plan the wedding. He make sure there will be enough food and clears dates that there are no scheduled raids with the head aurors and goes into Diagon Alley to get everything they could possibly need. The whole time doesn’t feel like a war zone. It feels almost like their lives are normal. Friends getting married, life going on. It’s almost as if they have a future. He doesn’t let himself hope it to be true, but he lets himself enjoy the moment. 

The night before the wedding they have a party. One last hurrah before things change yet again. It starts out separately, a bachelor party and a bachelorette party. One upstairs and one downstairs. They last perhaps an hour separated like that. 

It’s Lily who crosses the boundary. She comes down the stairs in near hysterics. James jumps up and runs over, but she looks right past him. Not because he can’t help, but because her sights are trained on Sirius. He looks back at her confused, but when she motions for him to follow her around to the kitchen he goes. It wouldn’t be good to ignore what the bride wants. 

“Give me away.” 

“What?” He furrows his brow, confused. 

“I want you to give me away tomorrow.” She repeats. 

“We can—”

Her hands wave in the hair softly. “No, my father can’t come and my sister won’t even if she could. I want it to be you. It has to be you.” 

“Okay.” 

“Yeah? You will?” Her eyes are wide and child like, he engulfs her in a hug. 

(He wishes she were Regulus, she wishes he were Petunia. They’re all the other has left of a sibling.)

The wedding is the happiest moment any of them experience all year. Throughout it though, they all notice the absences. Friends who have died, parents who have passed or could not come, siblings that should be celebrating together. It’s bittersweet. Everyone cries for the most part. Sirius doesn’t, but he keeps everything locked tight inside him. If he lets it go it will never stop. 

Even among the bad reminders, they find joy. Sirius meets Lily after she gets ready in the house to walk her down the make shift aisle in the back garden. The moment the doors open all eyes are on them. Lily clings tight to his arm. He whispers to her the whole time, nothing big or important, just things that he knows she would like to hear. Things that help her to keep walking, or at least that’s his goal. 

He reminds her that her family would be proud of who she has become. That they would be here and celebrating her if they could be. That no matter how much time or space come between her and her sister, they are always sisters. They may not be together, but they are never truly apart. She doesn’t respond, she’s too focused on James at the other end of the aisle. He doesn’t blame her, he looks fantastic and he couldn’t be happier for his friends. They deserve nothing but the best. 

He’s just happy that he can be part of this and contribute to the happiness they have found. After technically giving her away to his best friend, he takes his place next to Remus up on James’ side of things. All of their friends, the group of them, could easily switch sides and have it make no less sense. They are all each other’s people. There is no reason to be selective at times as uncertain as these. They are all family. 

Lily almost cries a few times. When no one is looking she wipes the tears from below her eyes. The ones that fall without her permission. For the most part she keeps it together, never fully crying. Never letting out the choked sobs. It’s a happy night, no need for tears. Though Sirius understands when no one else does. 

(If only Petunia were here. She wants Petunia and he wants his brother. What else could they need?)

It’s a wonderful night. The one rule set for everyone is to not talk about the war. Nothing about upcoming or past missions, nothing about any of it. This is a night to celebrate life and a future that has to exist because nothing would make sense if it didn’t. There are absences that are all the more noticeable only because of the war, but that’s not something to point out. They would want them to all enjoy this without the looming pain.

No one dares to break this. They all know they would have hell to pay. In the form of Sirius and Dorcas removing them from the wedding and anything else they see fit. Not to say they would be tortured, but a much more humane version of that. Perhaps humiliation for attempting to ruin the best party in years. It never comes to that though. 

The wedding comes and it goes. Over as quick as it came about. His best friend is married now and to Lily who he can’t help but love and want to protect. There are no better two people to be together forever than them. Sirius is overjoyed at it and while nothing really changes, he knows that it will. 

That comes sooner than anyone expects. Sirius finds out on his birthday. It’s still early and he’s sworn to secrecy, but Lily tells him that she is pregnant. A soft hand placed on her belly, still to young to kick, but he swears he can feel them. There is going to be a baby. When the time comes and everyone else finds out, he will gloat about knowing first. There was no one else to tell before him. And realistically James couldn’t keep a secret like that from him for any longer than he did. 

Which was two days, by the way. He couldn’t wait any longer. His birthday was just too perfectly timed to not tell him then. 

Sirius though is asked to keep it quiet as well, he’s not to tell anyone else until it’s been long enough to know for certain that nothing will happen. More specifically he is told he can’t say anything to Remus. His one weakness. Though he is out on a mission the day after his birthday, for a week, so there is no time anyway. 

There’s hope for a future in this. A small tiny hope in the form of a baby that will be so loved they will never have to know pain. It fills a little more of his heart up. 

-1980-

Early the next year Lily starts to show. Just barely and it’s only noticeable at first for those who know she’s pregnant. Though that is when she decides to tell everyone else. They find out in bits and pieces. It’s much too hard to get everyone all together again, so they do it whenever they are available. James tells him each time they tell someone else so that he knows who else knows and who he can talk to about it. 

A month goes by from when the rest of their group starts to find out until they all know. Sirius breathes out a sigh of relief to no longer need to keep the secret. It wasn’t hard except for the fact that he’s been so excited about it that it’s hard to keep in. He’s happy to keep their secrets though, any time they need. It’s no bother. 

It only gets harder, or well more complex when they are all, as many of them as they can get these days, are sitting together over dinner. 

“Now everyone knows!” James says, without thinking. 

“Pete knows too?” Mary is the one to ask, none of them have seen him in a few weeks. 

Of course he nods back happily, they told him a week ago now. It would have been better to do it in person, but he was busy and wouldn’t have the time to come over between his mum and mission until next month. Next to James his wife frowns. In her own way. It’s so subtle that if you aren’t looking you would miss it. 

He knows what it means. Not everyone knows. There’s at least one, possibly three people she wishes she could tell but hasn’t. She bites her tongue the rest of dinner. Not really, not entirely, but she doesn’t bring this up. Instead Lily throws herself into talking with Dorcas who doesn’t treat her any different now that she’s pregnant and married. Just the same as how she didn’t treat him any differently when… when the opposite of life struck him a year ago.

Though life goes on. For most of them. Their lives and new life. Over the months they all help Lily and James prepare when they can. Sirius more than anyone else. He’s over at their house building furniture and stocking the house with anything they could possibly need. He offers to set up blood wards for them just to be safe, but neither of them came from homes or families that thought that was necessary so they look at him like he’s crazy for suggesting it. 

It’s easy to get caught up in all of it. There is so much that needs to be done and hardly any time. James still goes out on missions but Lily stays home. At least once she hits six months. Safer for her. This benefits him too, because someone will always be available. On the nights that he can’t sleep because Remus is out on another mission that he left on without a word, Lily is up too unable to get comfortable enough to sleep. It works out well.

For all of the years they spent talking every morning, they still haven’t run out of things to talk about. Still, they need to navigate carefully. One misstep and they won’t talk for a week. It’s happened on both ends of it. Lily with her pregnancy brain forgets that his brother is, well gone, and asks about him. He on the other hand suggests ways to try and get in contact with Petunia that are safer just because maybe she hasn’t thought of it. 

(They each want their own sibling but won’t say it anymore.)

Everything keeps moving though. It’s hard to believe that two years have gone by since being out of school, a year since his own life force almost stopped, and only a few months until everything changes again. Time doesn’t stop for anything. It’s cruel that way. Things change and things end just to make space for new. Even still there’s always something even amidst the nothing. Like Lily, who is growing a life even as she stays out of the war. 

It’s the end of July when it starts to change again. The evening of the second to last day, James picks up the mirror and screams into it. He doesn’t know why and initially doesn’t think to figure it out. He simply apparates to him. Part of him worried, he was scared, that James was in trouble. Perhaps he is in his own way, but it was just that his son was on his way. 

Sirius rushes past the ret of their friends that linger outside the door to where Lily is laying. He doesn’t care to follow whatever curtesy they have, or whatever order they were holding. He just knows he needs to be there for the birth of his Godson. There is no other way this can go. He locks eyes with Lily and her hand is instantly reaching out to grasp him harder than ever before. her nails dig into his skin almost drawing blood. 

“Tuney… I need her. Get her.” She seethes. 

“I’ve got you.” Sirius shakes his head. “I’ve got you, don’t worry.” 

(He’s the closest thing to an older sister he can get for Lily now.)

It’s an hour later, just shy of the next day when James finally returns. He looks exhausted, but tries to hide that from his wife. Thankful that his son has not been born yet, but weary from wherever he has been. Sirius replaces himself with Mary who sucks in a breath as soon as Lily takes hold and she realizes how strong her grip can be. 

“Where were you?” He pushes. 

“I— Petunia. I tried to find her. I know Lily misses her and wants her here and I know she tells you more of that than me, but I thought if I could find her it would help. It would make this easier.” 

“You couldn’t, could you?”

James sighs. “No, I had to get back here otherwise I would have tried until I did. Search the whole world demanding she show up for her sister.”

He almost gets it. It’s not an easy thing to understand. Siblings and their relationships. James has exposure from all that Sirius has explained, and somewhat from Lily, but it’s not baked into his bones. It’s not woven into the fiber of his being. It’s so much more complicated than that. It’s more than sharing blood. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got her. You take a hand, flash your beautiful eyes whenever she needs reassurance, be the first arms to hold him.”

As he nods, somewhat in a daze about becoming a father, Sirius climbs around and holds Lily. He lets her lie back against him. Giving her the space to be however she needs without needing to hold herself up. The whole time she screams and cries. Half of the words are begging for it to be over, the other half are begging for Tuney. Nothing can be done about that though, it’s been attempted. This is the best it can get right now. 

At least until Harry comes. Then he is what lights up every room. He makes everything just a little bit brighter. 

Sirius holds him as much as he can. He never wants to let him go. He smiles up at him and there’s a memory that creeps in at the edges of his vision, but he doesn’t let it settle in. It would only hurt him. He would rather soak up this time with Harry. It’s not fleeting, but he is content living in these moments forever. 

This is a great excuse for Lily to get some time to herself again, or nights spent with the girls. He and James stay with Harry and enjoy themselves just as much. More maybe. With Harry they can see an end to the war. They can see a future. All of their friends think so too. It’s just nice having another reason to make the time to be together. It’s nice to have something good. 

Someone always has to stay home from meetings for the Order. They take turns and relay everything back right after. This only starts to become a problem when every meeting it is mentioned how confidential everything has to be. That anyone not in attendance or not included in a mission should not know any details. Still, they keep everyone in their circle informed. It wouldn’t feel right not to. 

This goes for everyone except Remus. His missions have always been under wraps. Sirius can’t get anything out of him about them. Not even a general direction in which he goes from their flat when he leaves. He spends the least amount of time home and the least amount of time with Harry. Not for a lack of loving him, he just doesn’t hold him much. He is off and busy too often that his nephew, for lack of a better relation, hardly knows who he is. Harry is a few months old at most, but still. No one pushes Remus on it though. He’s already so worn out it wouldn’t be fair. 

It’s perfectly well and good anyway. Sirius brings new presents every day when he comes over. Putting the family money he inherited to good use. Spending it on a half blood baby boy. One that his mother certainly wouldn’t care for. He spoils him rotten, giving him more than he could ever need before he can even walk. 

One day he sees the smallest broom in the shop and almost buys it. He doesn’t, not yet at least. One day he will and his Godson will fly better than any of them ever have. The gifts don’t stop there, he includes clothes and accessories and toys. Anything a boy could need. He may go a little bit overboard, but he wasn’t given most of these things as a child. Everything was much more proper. He wants Harry to grow up surrounded by fun and love and only just enough rules to keep him alive. Nothing more. Nothing that could hurt him. 

(Reggie was once this little. He couldn’t let him get hurt either.)

By the time Christmas rolls around it’s shocking that he finds anything else to buy. What’s more so, is that any of their friends buy things that Sirius hasn’t yet. He expects a lot of duplicates, and while the wrapping is similar, none are gifts he has seen before. Some are over the top, likely from Mary or Marlene, while others are practical, from Remus. It hardly matters, it’s not like he can play with anything yet. Still, they are enjoyed by everyone in one way or another. they all have more fun than Harry seems to, he sleeps most of the day.

The following day he throws himself into cleaning and helping out with Harry however he can. He just wants to hold him and forget about everything else that exists. It’s just him and no one else. A comforting absence in his mind. When Harry coos at him, he doesn’t have to think. He can just be present. 

-1981-

The new year comes and it takes them all by surprise. How it arrives so quickly, how things are still not better. They thought they were, but things change. This year is among the things that does change. Almost everything does. The world is finally catching up to how life has been for Sirius, except he has to suffer through it twice. He has no choice in the matter. 

Two years since, well you know. Lily knows, and she mentions it in passing, while others pointedly ignore it. James almost says it, almost makes him remember, but bites his tongue to stop himself. It’s almost more obvious the way people avoid it, but Sirius knows. He can’t forget it. He would just rather talk about anything else. There is so much else they can talk about that this just feels pointless. 

With another year starting, a lot of things still say the same. There is still a war on that most of them are actively fighting. They have been in it for years now that they are on the more experienced side of people in the Order. They never thought that would be true. But they are, there’s people who were in the year or two below them that are fighting now too. Numbers are dwindling though.

It’s even harder when people like Lily and James or Frank and Alice aren’t fighting. They all took a step back to focus on their respective children. Born just around the same time, which of course was happy. Except now they are raising children in the middle of a war. While there is still a supposed traitor on their side that has not been dealt with yet. 

When he’s not out on missions, Sirius still tries to throw himself into anything that will keep him moving and keep him from having any time to think. This proves difficult with Remus out of the house even more often now. He’s not sure he knows anything about him any more. They hardly share a bed or share meals now. Their bed almost only gets use out of one side at a time. It could just be the war, it could just be the missions that Remus has to go on for days or weeks at a time. 

But it could also be on purpose. He could be pulling away because there is something wrong with Sirius. He’s not been the same for two years now, possibly even longer than that. Sirius has never been easy to love. It would make sense to lose him now too. 

At the back of his mind there is a nagging though that maybe it’s something else. Maybe Remus doesn’t want him to know what is happening because he wouldn’t approve. Because he’s not doing the right things anymore. Unlikely, but it’s not impossible. A lot of the people and werewolves he meets could easily be on the other side, they could recruit him. 

It would kill him if that is the case. Though it does make sense. Why else would Remus be pulling away from him, but also their friends? He’s barely spent any time with Harry since he was born and many of their friends ask Sirius for updates on how he is because they never see him. It’s not going to be the case, but he thinks about it. Only on days that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

As much as he can and is allowed to, Sirius helps with Harry. Mostly just spoiling him with anything he could ever want, but also just with attention. It makes a certain part of his heart swell, filling out the space that has shriveled over the years. He can’t help but smile the entire time he is near his Godson, he can cure any negative feelings with the smallest giggle. 

Things like that become more necessary than ever. Very quickly. 

Being in the Order means they are used to people getting hurt and potentially dying. It’s never what they want, it’s never a good thing to hear that someone they know has died. It gets worse the closer you are to them. None of the deaths in the Order hit him harder than his brother. None even come close for a time. 

And then word gets to them, first to James and Lily and then immediately to Sirius. Harry is being targeted. Harry and his parents are the next target to get rid of by the most notorious and infamous wizard of their time. There seems to be no mercy this year. In the spring they begin devising plans for how to deal with keeping Harry safe. That is everyone’s priority. 

Everything doubles down on them when Marlene never comes back from a trip home to see her family. All of them end up dead. This hits their group in devastating ways. Mary won’t talk for a week, Sirius can’t sit still for even a moment and without question volunteers to run to the next meeting and demand he be sent on a mission to figure out and kill whoever did that to her. They have a memorial for her, not quite a funeral, but exactly as she would want herself remembered here.

They have to help with the rest of her family too. All of them were killed and laid out side by side by side. Lily, Mary, and Dorcas agree to go up and do it together. Sirius stays behind with James and the baby and they drink about their friend’s death. There’s nothing else they can do. 

Well, that’s what they think. Of course there isn’t, not really. But Dorcas can’t just sit by and let this happen. Someone has to pay for this. The top of the top, she has to kill this supposed “dark lord”. As the rest of them mourn their friend they start to see one another less and less. She is skilled beyond belief and if anyone can do what she has set out to, it’s her. Sirius almost joins her on the path of destruction, but he can’t leave behind Harry or his parents. 

With the deaths, as they grieve, Mary pulls back. She stops going to Order meetings, she only comes around when she’s visiting Lily and Harry. Anything else becomes too much for her. Which means Sirius hardly sees her. He can feel everyone slipping away from him and it’s killing him. He doesn’t want to lose anyone else. He can’t lose anyone else. Even Peter feels out of reach these days, living on his own away from them all. Is this just growing up or are they all losing each other? Why can’t he hold on tight enough?

There isn’t enough space in Sirius’ mind to file away all of this pain. Half of it is already taken up and locked away, not to be touched. There’s no where to put all of this loss, and it’s Dorcas who pushes him over the edge. When they find her dead, a direct kill by Voldemort, he’s filled and spilling over the edges with grief. There is no where to put that and he can no longer ignore all of the loss. 

(He never recovered from the first loss.)

It makes him irritable, and of course sad, but he’s about to snap at any moment. He bites back at Remus whenever they do see each other. He’s barely ever around to help do anything, he has only heard bits and pieces about how their beloved Harry is at the crux of the war. That’s where Sirius’ focus has to be but there is grief eating at him at every turn. He doesn’t have time to mourn whatever relationship he has with Remus too. He doesn’t want to either. 

By summer, three years of fighting later, there are too few of them left. Not just their group that has dwindled, but in the Order in general. Caused by both deaths and those who have fled to avoid dying. To avoid the pain. They never talk about getting the whole group together like they used to. Doing that forces them to face the fact that the group is not the same and no one can bear it. Sirius wants to surround himself by his people when he is not fighting, but even that is hard to do. They are never all together again. 

The threat to Harry becomes imminent. The Order somehow finds out that they are being actively sought out. The last celebration they get is his first birthday. Sirius goes all out. He buys everything he can think this boy will need or want until his next birthday or until Christmas, and doubles it. More than enough toys, more than enough enchanted items, even the broom that he is far too young and too small to even ride yet. But he wants him to have it. Even if his life is in danger, he shouldn’t have to live differently as a child. 

“This is all too much, you know we would get him these things and more when he’s the right age.” Lily shakes her head at him when he starts pulling out the shrunken items and sizing them back up. 

“Well obviously I know that. I just… I want him to have everything. I don’t want this war to affect him.” He doesn’t want to miss out on future gifts in case he’s ever not around. “Plus I had to get him a broom before James, that was not negotiable.” 

“You two are ridiculous. He’s only a year old. These aren’t gifts for a child his age.” 

“Well save them for when it’s right. I couldn’t do this with my… when he was little. But Harry deserves it all. You made me Godfather, I’m simply being a good one.” 

Harry is not his brother, but he reminds him of the baby brother he first met. The light in his eyes that hasn’t been put out by the world yet. The innocence and wonder at everything he sees or touches. All of it. This is how he and his brother were not treated, so he’s doing better for this next generation. He thinks to Lily, the younger of a set of two. Always the baby, never looking at a younger one wanting to give the the world. Until she had her son. 

“Oh let him spoil Harry. It is his birthday.” James comes to his defense.

It’s only the three of them, Peter wasn’t sure he could make it and Remus he hasn’t seen in at least two weeks when the last full moon was. He’s not sure where he is, or why he never is around. It makes him uneasy. None of them talk about that. Sirius tries, and fails to not talk about the other things happening. 

“Besides, I don’t know the next time I’ll get the chance to…” Saying it aloud hurts all of them too much.

August is when they go into hiding. For an undetermined length of time. That could be weeks or months or years. He would rather it be not at all. Or that he goes in with them, but then he really won’t see anyone else. Which to him is sometimes preferable to never seeing the Potters. There is no good choice. Nothing will make him feel better about this, and he just can’t lose them. 

“You will.” He shakes his head as if suggesting otherwise is preposterous. 

Lily hesitates, he tries to read her face. He used to be able to. There was a language they both understood once upon a time, now they are both so estranged from it that the understanding sometimes takes a moment. They can look each other in the eyes and know what is coming, almost. They are on opposite ends of a language untranslated, but they both remember when it was easier. So they keep trying. 

“We can have you keep the secret. That way you can come and go.” She suggests, and keeps talking before he can form any response. “There’s no one that I trust more to do it, James either. We want it to be you. It should be you.”

(Is her trust in him real or is it still an extension of Petunia? Would he trust her the same way he trusts - trusted - Regulus? Would he even do this now if his brother asked?)

“I—”

“You have tonight to think about it. But we think it should be you.” His best friend affirms. 

This whole time he is bouncing a giggling Harry on his lap. That’s how he wishes things were, happy and smiling. Harry is at the center of a dark and terrible world yet all he knows is the sun. All he knows is being showered with love. He needs to be shielded from the dark, Sirius can do that. He can protect him, he can keep the secret and make sure Harry never knows how bad things truly are right now. He can grow up in a loving home. 

Sirius would kill to let that happen. 

Sirius would die to let that happen. 

Which is exactly why he can’t. He can’t, it can’t be him. It hits him all at once. Then it hits him again because he shouldn’t have needed to think about it. He of course would do it, he would do it if anyone he loves asked. Except he shouldn’t. If Regulus ever asked him to do this, he would die he would be killed before giving him up. But then it would be pointless, the spell would break. He would die trying to kill whoever wanted to find him. He would have killed anyone he has to for his brother, he would still kill anyone he has to for James, Lily, and Harry. 

But it shouldn’t be him. It shouldn’t come to that. The moment it comes out that they are under a secret keeper hiding, people would come for Sirius. He’s sure that they still will, but it won’t be him. He won’t have the secret. Someone else should. Someone they all trust. 

If it’s not him, he knows that this will be the last night they get to spend together for a while. They will still have the mirrors to talk, but the letters he and Lily send every few days or every week will have to cease. They could have the secret keeper, whoever they choose, deliver them for them, but it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t feel right. At least they still have the mirrors and that can be enough until they are safe. A small sacrifice for their safety.

“It’s a death sentence for all of us if it’s me.” He blurts out interrupting whatever conversation they were having. 

“What do you mean?”

“I’d kill and die for you, everyone knows that. Anyone on the other side that knew us in school knows that too.” Sirius tries to reason. 

They share a look and both nod in agreement with him. “Okay so who then? I would say Mary, but she’s stepping away from this all. I won’t risk her and bring her back in.” 

“Of course not, sweetheart. We can… how about Remus? We’ve always trusted him.” 

He winces. Sirius doesn’t mean to, it’s involuntary, but everyone catches it. Even Harry frowns at him for the briefest of moments. 

“Do you not?” Lily pushes. 

“I don’t know anymore.” It’s impossible to explain.

That says it all. He wants to trust him more than anything. He used to. They used to trust each other. Maybe they haven’t been able to in years. Maybe Sirius ruined that long ago. But Remus is never around and he’s always on missions with others that aren’t yet on one side or the other of the war. Any of them could turn at any moment and Remus would more easily let it slip. He wouldn’t do that to James and Lily, but what if the other wolves have started to plant seeds of doubt in his mind? What if they are why he never comes around? What if he’s already lost Remus and there’s no way to get him back?

“He might say the same about you.” James, sounding exactly as he did that summer all of those years ago, reminds him cruelly. “You two haven’t trusted each other properly since the end of fifth year. Let’s not use that brokenness as a gage.” 

He keeps his face from breaking. He’s put all of that in tiny boxes in his mind that even he can’t get to right now. “Peter, go with Peter.” 

“That’s probably a good idea. He lives on his own, we have always trusted him. He’s not as obvious a choice as Sirius is…” 

“Okay, Peter it is.” 

They discuss further for the rest of the night before calling Peter to come for the spell to be cast. There are more than a few times that Sirius and James are close to breaking down in tears. It’s going to be difficult. Sirius brings up all the ways he can keep Peter protected while he keeps them protected. A chain, still involving him, still taking into account that they will all be in danger. He’ll keep them safe, he’s determined too. He can’t lose them too.

It’s the most he can do in an impossible situation.

August is the hardest time for him. Adjusting to the separation doesn’t go well. It’s not even the longest that Sirius has been away from James, it’s just different this time. There isn’t anything they can do to change this. They aren’t in the know of anything happening with the Order, they are completely isolated. Meanwhile Sirius is once again, or rather still, throwing himself into it at every turn. 

He hasn’t stopped doing that since his brother, but he hasn’t be able to properly find a reprieve from anything. Going on missions at least allows him to blow off steam. He never kills like he did in the past, he keeps his mind present while he’s out now. Though if the chance ever comes to kill Voldemort or anyone closest to him, he wouldn’t hesitate.

At first, James calls every day. He’s bored out of his mind. Pretty much any hour of the day Sirius is prepared for the mirror to go off in his pocket. Many such calls go exactly the same. 

“Sirius!”

“Hiya Prongs. I miss you.”

“I miss you too. We all do. Harry has been babbling and I think he wants to talk to you.” James smiles when he talks of his son, it’s impossible not to.

He, of course, smiles back. “Not much longer I hope. I know Lily will yell at me, but I will be spoiling your son again as soon as I get the chance. Might even send some things over with Wormtail next time he visits.” 

“Have you talked to him much? What about Remus? We miss you all, tell him we say hello.” 

He always fills him in on anything there is. Some days that is more than others. A lot of the time, as far as Remus is concerned, he has a lot more to say by way of his feelings rather than what their friend is doing. He barely sees him. It worries him. James tells him that he has no reason not to trust him, but there are reasons. More and more reasons build up every day that goes by when he has no idea where he is or what he’s doing. 

On the other hand, Peter seems perfectly fine. Maybe a bit on edge, but otherwise okay. He never goes out that he knows of. Sirius goes over to him once a week at least now, bringing anything he could need and checking that the wards are sound. No one he or Peter don’t allow in can get to him. Whenever Sirius suggests going out, or asks him to meet him at a pub, he declines. At least he seems to be taking the safety and secrecy seriously. He’s not going to let it slip. 

As time goes on, the mirror rings less. What’s there to say? Other days, the particularly hard ones, Sirius calls his best friend. It’s not always James who picks up the mirror first. It now lies in the sitting room of the house, for whichever one of them is closer. They both want the chance to talk to Sirius and he is happy to talk to either of them too. Though on the hard days, the days when Remus hasn’t been back in a long time, or when they fight right before he ends up leaving without even having one good night together, he doesn’t care who picks up when he calls. 

Those days he just wants the mirror propped up with Harry in view. He’s over a year old now so he can babble, some words are coherent or almost coherent. No matter though, he’s just happy to see his smiling face. That’s all he really cares about. If his Godson ends up happy and alive on the other side of this war, there’s nothing more he could want in the world. This boy deserves everything, he deserves a good life. His parents will make sure he gets that. 

Mostly though, they all just try to get through it. August comes and goes, and they have no idea how it has already been a month since they went into hiding. September gets easier at first. They are in a routine. They know what to expect. They aren’t wondering what to do with all of the time. Peter supposedly is bringing over more toys for Harry and more food for all of them. He never stays long though, probably to be safe. But Sirius can tell it makes James sad when he only gets to see their friend for five minutes a week. 

The promise of things ending soon keeps them going. Order meetings are more intense, and more secretive. They happen in smaller groups, just the people that will be sent on specific missions. Only those that information is relevant and pertinent to. Sirius is at some, but he has a feeling that he is not at most. Almost nothing he is a part of is high importance. 

Neither Remus nor Peter are at any of the same ones that he is. Because of that, he feels alone. There is not a single person to talk about his missions and assignments with. He just has to go and do them and come home. To an empty flat and an empty bed. It’s bleak, is what it is. 

By the time October hits, the paranoia about some impending doom, something to do with the same prophecy that sent the Potters into hiding begins to really stir. Sirius gets sent on even less missions, at least less crucial ones. Only guard duty like he used to do. All of the paranoia reaches him but the real information doesn’t. He finds that he has no idea what is really going on. He can’t even properly warn James about anything because he doesn’t know anything. 

He does his best to just keep going. Things are hard now. There is no easy way out of a war. Not when lives are on the line. Not when a baby is in real danger. Except he’s protected. By one of their best friends. It’s all okay. After some meetings when he is feeling especially anxious about it all, he goes to check on Peter. He’s at home behind the wards and no one has gotten to him. 

Every time he goes Peter seems more and more stressed. The weight of protecting their friends is weighing on him. Or maybe it’s just the war. They are all run down, it’s not surprising at all. He barely wants to talk when they do spend time together that the time they do have dwindles to almost none at all. Just check ins. Things are so different than when they were still at school, they were much closer then. Even if they butted heads, they were still best friends. So it’s hard to accept how much things have changed in honestly not very long.

Two weeks in to October, Sirius is going to lose his mind. Part of him really thought that James would be out by now. They would be back together. He hoped that it would only be a month long thing at most. Though he was ready to die for that cause, so maybe it was always going to last until the end of the war. 

He starts to go stir crazy and he isn’t even the one that has to stay in one place. Except with Remus gone and James and Lily locked inside, he really doesn’t have anywhere to go. It’s been a week or more since he was given any sort of assignment for the Order. He tries to not think too deeply about that. It’s nothing. Maybe the end is finally coming and they only need the actual trained aurors to make the final moves. 

Sirius shows up at Peter’s on a day that he doesn’t usually. The house is empty. He decides to simply make himself at home and wait for his friend to return. He won’t be gone long, he never goes anywhere. Out of boredom or maybe curiosity, Sirius checks the wards he helped to set up just to see when he left. It appears that he just missed him so he will have to wait at least a bit of time. 

In the end he dozes off, and the sun was already going down so he doesn’t know how long it’s been when he wakes up. Peter is standing in front of him looking a bit shaken at him being there. 

“Oh, hey Petey! Came by earlier, just sort of stayed.” 

“I didn’t know you were coming. I would have… Never mind. What is it? Has something happened?” He squeaks nervously. 

“Just wanted some quality time with you is all. Have you eaten? We could get dinner, maybe drinks down at the pub. Call James while we’re together.” He jumps back into his usual self having a friend around, he starts to feel more alive already. Maybe this is all he’s been missing. 

“I’m a bit tired, but food sure. Then I should get back here. You know how it is, with the war and all…”

They decide on a pub not far away and head right out. Once they sit Sirius pushes for more. He wants any gossip he can find, but also genuinely wants to hear about his friend’s life. Peter seems to be the only one of them that keeps busy in ways the rest don’t know. Perhaps he has been hiding a whole other set of friends, a whole second life, from them for years. It would be right up his alley to do that, the rest of them talk about everything they get up to much more easily. Or they did when they had things happening. 

The war isn’t fun to talk about, but it’s what there is. “Are you still going on missions? Is that what you’re busy with?” Sirius asks, jumping in again as Peter opens his mouth to respond. “I would have figured you wouldn’t be, since you’re the… you know.”

“Nothing big, but I want to still do something. It’s— I can’t really talk about it.” 

So it stops there. They don’t talk about the war, which takes out most things they could talk about. 

“Is Remus alright?” Peter asks, and part of him wonders if he knows or if he’s just being a friend who is out of the loop. 

“We ah— haven’t been talking much. He’s always on some mission or avoiding the flat when I’m there.” 

“Really? Interesting. Would have thought after everything that you two would never part.” He pours salt in the wound with the after everything. Everyone loves to remind him that he fucked up before and had to win his favor back. 

“Well, you know how it goes. Or do you not? Do you have anyone you love like that or are you still all alone?” He bears his teeth, as he always ends up doing here with him. 

“Even if I am, it seems he’s left you alone too.” He pours the rest of his drink down his throat and rises from his seat. “I’ve got to go, very important secret keeping duties. Let me know if you two get over your squabbling. Or is it a matter of trust again? Have you lost trust in him because he’s always off with the wolves?”

He’s gone before he can reply. He hates letting him have the last word. He doesn’t deserve to have the last word. Though maybe he has a point. Maybe the war is really getting the better of all of them. Sirius doesn’t quite trust Remus. He said so recently enough that nothing has changed. In fact he’s been gone even more since then. He doesn’t come back to the flat when he’s there ever anymore. Part of him wonders if he even still leaves things he owns in his drawers. 

Sirius rushes home to check. Most of them are empty. There are a few things, but not enough to consider him a resident of the flat. That stabs him in the heart. He knew things weren’t good between them right now, but he wants to see him again. They can talk and work it out. They just need to be in the same place for a bit. They just need time to realize they can’t live without each other. There’s no way for him to contact him, he just has to wait. Nothing can happen to further change everything before they are back in each other’s arms. 

That night and for many nights after, Sirius sleeps in the one jumper Remus left behind. It barely smells of him anymore, but he inhales the scent until it is filling his lungs. He sleeps on the other side of the bed, but it doesn’t fix anything.

Maybe he should have known. Maybe that feeling he’s been ignoring meant something. Maybe the aching emptiness inside of him should have been a warning. It was, just not with enough lead time. In the end, he really should have just known. 

This time when he feels his stomach drop, he’s just at home. Waiting to see if Remus will return as he always does these days. This time he knows the feeling. It’s just slightly different, but it hurts more than he could have ever prepared for. It pulls him off the couch and away to get there as soon as he can. No one has to tell him what’s happened this time. He just knows. 

Another string snaps from his chest. The tether between him and James has always been different than the one he has with his brother. This one they built, they wove through their years together. In some ways it’s stronger for it, but in others it has less meaning. Even still, he feels the tether snap and he has to run. He has to catch it before the tide takes it away and it can’t be fixed. Before he dies. 

(The tether is gone, he’s already gone. Sirius knows the feeling. Regulus taught him that.)

He runs, he runs until he remembers that magic exists and he can apparate to their house. He’s not meant to be in on the secret, it should only be the one keeping it. That’s the better way for it to work, but there was no world in which Sirius wouldn’t know where the Potters were staying. He just couldn’t tell anyone, even in his death the secret would have held.

Hi throat feels raw as he screams. What’s left of his soul lies lifeless on the ground. He doesn’t make it in time. 

James is not breathing. It’s horrible. He’s not even wearing shoes, his hair is rumpled, he doesn’t have his wand. He is not breathing. Sirius is not breathing either. He can’t, not without James. His lungs no longer work, his heart won’t beat.

It barely did when he lost his brother, now it’s fully stopped. The years since his brother died, Sirius’ breathing has all been manual. Linked to James. If James is breathing then Sirius can breathe. If he’s not, and Regulus hasn’t in years, then how is Sirius meant to go on? 

Over the ringing in his ears he hears a scream. Louder than he’s ever heard before. It’s visceral and it throws him back into a memory of sorts. Regulus screamed like that only once or twice. He learned not to, but Sirius jumped into action when he did hear it. He leapt in front of him to shield him, to keep him from screaming like that again. 

(It’s not him. He’s dead, he can’t scream.)

It’s the crying that reminds him where he is. It’s the crying that makes him look down at the body of his best friend and know that he has to walk away. It’s the crying that he has to go towards. He can’t let Harry keep crying. So he runs up the stairs. 

He doesn’t make it in time once again. Lily is already slumped over on the ground. There’s no resemblance to Regulus here, she’s just Lily. No pull that calls her a sister, nothing of the sort. She’s just dead and he can’t breathe. She’s dead and Harry isn’t and that has to be the priority. He can’t turn back time and he knows this because if he could it would go back quite a bit to erase all of this and more. but he can’t, so he has to keep going and Harry is the answer to that. 

(Little brother, little sister. Both dead.)

As much as he’s been looking forward to having his Godson in his arms again this is not at all how he saw their reunion happening. Sirius gives himself just a moment to feel it. He cradles Harry against his chest, breathes him in, kisses the top of his head and hopes that his crying will slow. Then he has to run. He has to run downstairs and get him away from here. There is sure to be further action and he can’t have Harry getting caught in any more fighting. 

He does his best to skip over James, he doesn’t want to see his body again. It hurts to even think about it. When he gets out front in the house, he can almost breathe. The air is cold which is the best feeling he can get and the closest to breathing. It helps to clear his head. Though all he needs is the whiff he catches of the rat and he’s off. Running with harry in his arms until he runs directly into Hagrid. 

“Sirius, boy. What are you—?”

“Take him, I’ll be back for him, okay? I just have to do something first.” He doesn’t bother explaining more. He only barely stays within range long enough to hear what he says next. 

“I been sent te get him anyhow.”

“Where are you taking him?”

 “His aunt’s house. Find him there later.” He’ll be taken to safety. That’s good, that’s all he needs. 

There’s no further time to think about any of it. He can smell the rat and he knows that he did this. He was the only one who could. He has to pay for this. He ruined everything and he sold them out and for what? The rat is just going to die anyway. Sirius will kill him. He should have at least died having kept their secret, rather than dying a traitorous rat. He has to get the rat.

Sirius has no mercy for him. He will never mourn his friendship with him. There is too much mourning he must do, too much grief he already holds for people he loves. There is nothing left for the rat except for death. 

Everything happens too quickly when he catches sight of him rather than just scent. They lock eyes, though the rat looks off almost immediately. Not able to look him in the eye as he does this. An explosion goes off. People scream. The rat screams and he loses him. He loses sight of the rat and everything comes crashing down even more.

More than that though, Sirius loses his mind. 

There is nothing tethering him to this world, to his sanity. All of that was taken long ago, and the coffin was nailed shut as James took his last breathe. There is nothing left for him, no need to keep his mind too. 

He is found hysterical. They put him in chains and cuffs, they take his wand. They take him. 

Sirius screams and almost laughs, how ironic all of this is. He really is a Black after all. 

(Maybe he kept a piece of his brother in him.)

 It’s a few days before he really comes back to himself. To whatever is left of himself. The cell is cold and that feeling over takes him. He doesn’t take any time to notice the rest of his surroundings at first. Instead he can’t handle the feeling in his chest leftover by everything that has happened, so he turns. 

He folds into himself and finds solace in being Padfoot. Now would be a great time for his mother to imperio him into the static that he found comfort in. This is the closest he can get. The cold is less intense, so is the grief. This is better, he can handle this. The ground is cold on his fur, but it’s a welcome sensation. He just needs this break, this reprieve for a bit, then he can think. 

Two days later he forces himself to get up. Sirius, now himself, however stays in the corner that Padfoot slept in. It’s the closest thing to comfort he can find in here. Though occasionally the wind will blow and it sounds like an echo of his past life. It’s the same empty sound that reverberated through Grimmauld Place. Perhaps they used that as the design for this prison. It’s not exact but it’s close enough. 

His mind goes right to James. With nothing stopping him, he can see his best friend’s lifeless form on the ground in the doorway. That shouldn’t be the last image he has of him. Even a small face through the mirror would be a better final moment. There is too much to feel there, and the second he lets himself even start to, the dementors come. They know. They know how easily they can feed off of him now. He doesn’t even try to hide from them.

Things he never fully processed before begin coming up. A stronger version of him, one that hasn’t lost as much, could fight off the dementors. He could keep them from stealing anything good, keep them from leaving him a shell of grief. 

Instead he thinks of Lily and how her sister lost her. Older siblings are not meant to outlive the younger. It’s not right. Petunia lost her and they haven’t even talked in years. Petunia will only know that she’s lost her for good when Harry is deposited in her care. Or maybe she would already know, she would feel her own tether snap. She would feel the absence as soon as it came. Would she welcome it as part of her or fight against the grief?

He knows the feeling too well. Sirius has been lost for so long, barely hanging on. Regulus took part of him with him when he died. He’ll never get it back. He hasn’t let himself think of him or feel the loss to its full extent, but there’s no reason not to anymore. He’s dead. His baby brother is dead. Did he hate him when he died? Would it matter? There's no way to get him back. 

(Lily is dead too. Is her big sister thinking the same?)

Neither of them are a presence in his life any more. They are an absence. They always will be because he can’t get them back. Brother or sister, both are gone. Though perhaps their absences are also a presence. 

Sirius curls up once agains as Padfoot. The ache he feels for his brother morphs with the ache he feels for Lily. Sister and brother aren’t very different when he is a dog. Both are gone, both are painful. Both are empty spaces that takes up his entire heart.