Thank God It's Christmas
Wednesday, 23 December 1998
“Hey, Harry,” Pansy greeted, stepping into the tapestry room where Harry had holed himself up an hour ago.
“Hey, Pans.”
“Are you alright?”
Harry thought about it for a moment and almost responded he was fine, almost brushed her off. But he was trying to be more honest with his feelings and he was trying to let more people in, so he let out a heavy sigh, ran a hand down his face, and said, “I don’t think so.”
Pansy sat down on the couch next to him and leaned her head against his shoulder, “why not?”
“I’m so happy you’re all here and I’m thankful every day that I get to call you all family. I love Theo, I love Teddy more than I’ve ever loved anything…”
“But?”
“But I can’t help but miss them,” he said, voice cracking as he gestured vaguely toward the bottom of the family tree. “I don’t mean to whine and complain, but I just want Sirius back. I mean, I want them all back -”
“But he’s the one you knew well enough to truly miss?”
“Yeah,” he breathed out. “Hermione’s the first person I can remember telling me they loved me and she’s the first person I remember hugging me, but he’s the first person who refused to let me just say I was fine and the more I grow the more I realize how important that was.”
“He loved you.”
“He did,” Harry said, blinking away tears. “He loved me enough to escape Azkaban. He fought against the world to love me, protect me, and listen to me. He was incredibly flawed and admittedly fucked in the head, but he was my first real proof that unconditional love exists. I’ve been through a lot of shit, Pansy, and I can say, without a doubt, that watching him fall through that stupid fucking veil was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
“I see it in my dreams, and I can feel it when I close my eyes. I can see it all, I can hear it all. I close my eyes and I hear him say nice one, James and I see that flash of light hit him square in the chest and I feel the cold brush of the veil and Remus’ arms stopping me from following him. I hated him in that moment, you know? Remus, that is. I hated him for holding me back. I knew what would happen if I followed him through and I didn’t care, I just wanted to go with to wherever he’d gone.”
“I’m glad you didn’t,” Pansy whispered.
“I am too,” Harry said, “now I am. Now, every time I remember that moment I thank Remus for holding me back, for putting his focus entirely on me when he’d just watched his first love and his best friend die. And today, I’ve been sitting here thinking about the one Christmas I remember spending with them and, Pans, I feel like I’m drowning.”
“What would Sirius do if he were here right now?”
“Tell me to feel my feelings and then get off my ass and find a way to make it better.”
“Then let’s make it better,” Pansy decided, standing up and holding out her hand. “We’re decorating for Christmas and we’re spending the day like Sirius would’ve.”
“You’re going to have to listen to a lot of Bowie and Queen,” Harry said, wiping his face on his sleeve before taking Pansy’s hand, “I hope you’re prepared.”
“I’ll live.”
* * *
“You two have been busy,” Theo said, walking into the living room with Teddy on his hip.
Harry turned around with a bright grin on his face and Theo barely hid his sigh of relief. “Hi darling,” Harry greeted, “you want to help us decorate?”
“Only if I haven’t missed you explaining Father Christmas.”
“I forgot!” Pansy exclaimed, “Harry, I need an explanation. All I know is that the Muggles believe that a strange man comes into their house and leaves them gifts and I can’t for the life of me figure out why that’s something to celebrate.”
“Father Christmas isn’t a real person,” Harry told her.
“Then what is coming into their houses?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?!” Pansy nearly yelled, “then what is Father Christmas?”
“He’s a myth,” Harry said with a shrug before telling Pansy everything he could remember about the story of Saint Nickolas.
“So you’re telling me that Muggle children are entirely on board with the concept of a strange man coming into their homes through their chimneys, taking their milk and biscuits, and leaving?”
“Well, he also leaves gifts.”
“That’s absurd.”
“Pansy, we can do magic. Like, real life magic. A couple months ago I bled on some runes carved into the ground, said a few magic words, and we all spent several hours talking to dead people. If you told a Muggle any of that they’d think you’d dropped acid and you’re worried about a myth about a nice man who leaves gifts?”
“He’s got a point,” Theo said after a minute of silence.
“What’s acid?” Pansy asked.
“You’re never, ever finding out.”
“Alright,” she said with a shrug, “can you go back to what you said about random men dressing up as Father Christmas and taking pictures with children? That’s objectively creepy. Even if you can explain away the story of a fake man coming through your chimney, real men in red suits posing with random children is genuinely creepy, right?”
“Oh, one hundred percent.”
“Where are the Grangers?” Pansy asked, “I need a second opinion.”
“They’re visiting Jean’s parents; you can terrorize them with your questions about Father Christmas later.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
* * *
Thursday, 24 December 1998
“Harry?”
“Hello,” Harry murmured.
“I didn’t even realize this existed,” Theo said, looking around the small section of the roof Harry had crawled up to. “Kreacher had to tell me about it when I couldn’t find you.”
“Tonks showed it to me.”
“Oh, love,” Theo breathed out, brushing the curls of Harry’s forehead and pressing a kiss to his temple. “Are you alright living here? Potter Manor is always an option.”
Harry knew what Theo was really asking; how can you breathe when you’re surrounded by so many ghosts?
“What I want is for Draco to take on the Black Lordship,” Harry said, finally admitting, even a just in a small way, that there was too much on his shoulders. “The Black Coalition is just a voting bloc, nothing says I need to lead it and if he really doesn’t want to lead it, it can become the Peverell Coalition.”
“What’s technically stopping him from taking it?”
“I’d have to officially abdicate, effectively declare that the main line of the Black family is dead and allow the secondary line to take over which I don’t really see as a big deal because I’d still be a Black, I’d still be Regulus’ son and Sirius’ nephew. This would still be my family home but this ring and the title would be Draco’s. His firstborn child will be the next Heir Black and Teddy and I will be Heir and Lord Potter. I’ve already declared Draco as the heir so I couldn’t pass that title on to one of my children even if I wanted to at this point without literally disowning him, not to mention the fact that we also have the Nott title to pass down.”
“And what’s actually stopping Draco from taking it?” Theo asked.
“If I had to bet? Some misguided view that he doesn’t deserve it as much as I do.”
“Well, you are the son of the primary line and he’s the son of the third daughter of the secondary line so by the law of succession, he does deserve it less than you do.”
“I thought we were done talking technicalities,” Harry said with a light laugh.
“We are, I’m just telling you how his brain works at the surface level. But underneath that is a boy who spent six years wanting to be your friend who was forced to make himself an enemy instead, who was forced to become a murderer at 16 and I know you’re about to argue that he’s not the one who killed Dumbledore but you know that’s not what I’m talking about, you know as well as I do what it takes to get that Mark and you know what that act does to a person’s soul. I think you’re right that he doesn’t feel worthy and I don’t know how to make him but I think you could start by asking him to take on the mantle. Tell him that it’s too much for you and tell him he’d be doing you a favor because that wouldn’t be a lie. You have too much on your plate, love and you’re doing much better at asking for help but now you need to start telling people it’s time they actually take some of it on.”
“Theo?”
“Harry?”
“You’ll marry me someday, won’t you?”
Theo looked over at Harry, green eyes alight with hope and love and something greater, and his answer was easy, “I’d marry you tomorrow.”
* * *
Friday, 25 December 1998
Harry heard his footsteps echo through the room, saw the flash of white blonde hair, and breathed in the now familiar scent of lemon and parchment.
“Do you think I could go through and come back out?”
“I think you know the answer.”
He did. He could, he just wouldn’t come back the same. But he wasn’t meant to pass through the veil today any more than he was two and a half years before.
“He was protecting me from your dad.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault.”
“I know.”
They fell into silence, staring into the grey-toned chamber.
“How’d you find me?”
“I think I could find you anywhere.”
Harry thought about that for a moment as he leaned his head against his cousin’s shoulder, “I think you’re right.”
“Why are you here, Hades?”
He wasn’t sure.
Everything was fine. It’d been a happy Christmas morning with Grimmauld Place full of family once again. Teddy had gotten far too many presents, especially considering the fact that he’d also been given gifts for Yule only a few days earlier.
He’d felt at home surrounded by friends and family and then his memories had attacked.
Sirius decorating the then decrepit house to make the Weasleys feel at home while Arthur was in St. Mungo’s. Sirius putting Father Christmas hats and beards on all the house elf heads in the hallway. Sirius drunkenly singing carols through the halls and then yelling when he inevitably woke up Walburga’s portrait.
And then he’d started thinking about how he spent last Christmas; the graveyard in Godric’s Hollow, the encounter with Nagini, breaking his wand.
And then he’d somehow ended up here, staring into the veil and wondering what’d happen if he just … walked through.
He wasn’t sure how to explain all of that, so he just said, “I need you to be Lord Black.”
“Harry…”
“No. You don’t get to say no. It’s your family, it’s your seat. You’re a good person and I want you sitting on the floor with me instead of up in the Heir’s Balcony. You deserve to be Lord Black, Draco. Please.”
“Alright.”
“Thank you,” Harry breathed out.
“What else do you need?”
“I need Theo.”
“He’s looking for you at Potter Manor. In fact, we should probably let everyone know I’ve found you because I’m pretty sure Neville and Ron are trying to get into the Chamber right now.”
Harry huffed out a laugh before he quickly sobered, “I can’t go back to Grimmauld, Draco. It’s full of ghosts.”
“Then we’ll go to Theo.”
“I want Sirius back.”
“I know you do.”
“I’m sorry for running.”
“I know you are.”
“Draco?”
“Harry?”
“I’m glad we’re family.”
Draco let out a breath and leaned his head against Harry’s, “me too.”
* * *
“Mum?” Draco called through the flames.
“Draco?” Narcissa’s voice called back, “did you find him? Where are you?”
“I’ve got him and we’re at Potter Manor. We’re going to stay here if anyone who’s at Grimmauld wants to join, they’re welcome.”
“Oh, good,” she breathed out, “could you tell him that Andromeda and I are happy to watch Teddy the rest of the day? He needs a chance to take a breath and if that would help, we’d love to do it.”
“I think that’d be good, but maybe you could bring him here instead of keeping him at Grimmauld?” Draco suggested, reaching out to scratch a large black dog between the ears.
“We will. Tell him we love him.”
“I will.”
Draco watched the flames return to their natural color and turned to the Grim curled at his feet, “where’s Theo?”
Harry lifted his head and nodded down the hall.
“So why are you sitting here?”
“He wants to go run on the beach, but he doesn’t want to go alone and I’d already offered to stay here with Teddy,” Theo explained, walking into the room.
“My mum and Andi have Teddy.”
“Then let’s go to the beach.”
The three took off through the backdoor, Theo and Draco on two legs, Harry on four.
In the winter air, between one breath and the next, the Grim was joined by a massive grey wolf and a snowy owl.
The low cliffs that make up the national trust land were dusted with snow, the water rolling through the bay were choppy, and the breeze coming off the sea chilled to the bone but with fur and feathers and the occasional warming charm, it was perfectly fine.
It took two hours of darting through the waves and rolling in the sand and snow for Harry to calm down.
“Hadrian?” Theo asked, laying on his back next to the curled-up mass of jet-black fur and green eyes. Harry lifted his head slightly and pressed his cold nose to Theo’s cheek. Theo looked into his eyes, the same green as always and pressed a soft kiss to the shock of bright white hair over the Grim’s right eye and said, “it’s alright to run so long as you come home at the end of every day.”
Harry’s eyes fluttered shut as he rested his head on Theo’s chest.
“I hate to break up this moment,” Draco cut in, teeth starting to chatter, “but not all of us have a bear-sized dog to use as a blanket, can we go inside now?”
Harry huffed as he stood up and transformed back into a human, “sure, Draco. Thank you both for this.”
“Of course, Hades.”
“What do you want to do now?” Theo asked, linking their hands together.
“I want to shower and then I want to sit on the couch with Teddy and listen to whatever stories Andi and Cissa feel like telling.”
“Sounds like a good night to me,” Draco said with a warm smile, “let’s go.”
They walked in companionable silence back up to the Manor.
“I just need a minute,” Harry said, gazing off in the distance toward the family cemetery.
“Alone?” Theo asked.
“Yeah.”
“Alright, love,” Theo said, pressing a kiss to Harry’s temple.
Harry had been staring at the headstone for a few minutes when he heard her footsteps.
“I’m okay, ‘Mione,” he whispered.
“I know.”
“I’m sorry I worried you.”
“Don’t be,” she murmured back. “I knew where you were. Draco’s not the only one who could find you anywhere. It just wasn’t me you needed earlier, but it is now.”
Harry watched as she pulled out her wand - 10 ¾ inches of vine and dragon heartstring that Harry knew nearly as well as his own - and conjured a wreath of lilies.
“How do you know me so well?”
“You’re not as mysterious as you think you are.”
He let out a breath, “Happy Christmas, Hermione.”
“Happy Christmas, Harry.”