Rosyln

Just because my dreams are different from yours doesn’t mean they’re unimportant.

Little woman (2019)

2 January 1977

It was the first day back to school after an horrible Christmas break. Christmas break was always awful, filled of pain and despair.

At least she had Regulus although he hadn’t been the same since Sirius left, she tried to not think about that to much because it stung.

“Heyyy El?” She was snapped out of her thoughts by a girl named Isadora Snow. Isadora snow with her beautiful long red hair, not ginger but more dark a dark red, like blood dripping down her shoulders. She looked like an angel, beauty in its final form.

They were sitting in their dorm room, both in their own beds. Estella didn’t know where their other roommates had gone but she didn’t really care at the moment.

“Yes?” She looked up from the book she had been reading to answer the red head.

“Whatcha reading?” She asked, she looked so happy over something. It made Estella’s heart burn of happiness but also sadness in some way she could not explain. She looked down at her book before answering

“It’s a muggle book, it’s called ‘how to kill a mockingbird’” she remembered how hard it was to get her hands on it, her family despited anything to do with muggles.

Suddenly Isadora spoke quietly “Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird.” Estella shot her a grin.

“You’ve read it” she smiled

“Maybe”

*

Estella was walking down to another class, defense against the dark arts if she recalled correctly. She was walking beside Barty Crouch Jr, he had a class close by so they walked together, it wouldn’t be her first choice to walk with him but she would have felt bad declining him.

There she saw him, Sirius Black, her big brother. She froze in her tracks staring blindly at him, it happened every time she saw him, pathetic really. She thought she heard his screams of gut wrenching pain somewhere in the back of her mind. Estella never blamed him for leaving like Regulus did, she knew that Sirius was only saving himself from a terrible fate.

He was laughing, his long black hair braided. He was standing alongside a boy she recognized to be Remus Lupin, he was tall and had a lot of scars running down his arms like water. She often saw them together, they looked happy. Sirius didn’t even notice her.

Barty mumbled something that sounded awfully similar to ‘stupid fucking queers’ she chose to ignore that. That walked past the laughing boys who looked at each other so fondly and in love. She was happy for them, truly.

When they reached the classroom she mumbled a goodbye and stumbled into the room and took her seat. She didn’t bother listening to whatever the professor was saying.

Estella Black had always thought too much, been stuck inside her own head, it probably came from being alone so much as a kid. Her worst enemy was her own head she used to think, sometimes it got bad almost like a depression. When her mother found out how she’s been coping she got screamed at, but for the first time not physically harmed as a punishment. Her mother was probably scared that she would actually enjoy the pain.

As the minutes ticked on slowly she finally listened a bit to the professor. It was something about vampires. Estella had always found vampires interesting and beautiful. Once she met one, back when she was really young she was sitting on a big stone watching the ocean rise and fall, a strange then woman walked up to her.

“Hello” the woman said with a gentle voice. Young Estella looked up at her, she was really pale almost gray looking but she was beautiful, almost as beautiful as Isadora but only almost because Isadora was the most beautiful anyone could ever be forever.

What stood out about this woman tho was her sharp blood red eyes and Estella remember not being scared but feeling rather calm. Being a vampire is living forever, never dying, it fit Estella perfectly. That was when five year old Estella decided she would someday become a vampire.

Today of course she realized it was stupid, she still remember the woman’s name tho ‘Jane’.

As the lesson came to its end Estella had learned nothing she didn’t already known. She had gotten quite an obsession with vampires back in the day. She packed up her stuff and went to go get some lunch.

*

She sat down beside her brother Regulus. He was speaking with Pandora about something.

“Hi” she said quietly sitting down not wanting to disturb their conversation. Her brother looked up at her and nodded before he went back to talk with Pandora. The food magically appeared at the table like normal, it looked good delicious even. People started eating like there was no tomorrow. Regulus took a plate from the middle of the table.

“Aren’t you going to eat anything?” He looked at her weirdly. It made her uncomfortable and defensive.

“I’m not really that hungry” she answered quietly “I feel a bit sick” she muttered before walking off. She don’t know why she did that or why she made excuses, it didn’t matter. Nothing matters.

She made her way back to Slytherins common room slowly. Was it getting worse? No she was better now, everything was alright. Fine. Amazing. Great. Happily. Normal. Okay. Terrible. Has no point.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
—Eleanor Roosevelt

But the only dreams Estella had was to be dragged away by the ocean’s waves floating around forever. So empty but so full at the same time.

When she finally made it to the safety of her dorm room no one else was there. She threw herself at her bed at shut the curtains. She sobbed quietly into her pillow. She doesn’t know why she’s sad she just is.

Maybe it was seeing Sirius so happy or the thought about getting worse. She wanted Sirius to be happy tho, but she knew she would never get what he had. Not that she wanted that anyways but she wanted happiness right?

“You’ll get everything you ever dreamed of one day kid” Jane had said looking into the distance of the ocean. She had been lying but it brings her comfort anyways.

“This is your life, your story, so take it, what do you want?” Young Estella has thought a long time before answering.

“I want to be able to sit here and watch the ocean forever” she had said. Jane smiled sadly.

“Someday my child, someday”

*

Estella was unaware how much time had passed but she had apparently fallen asleep because when she opened her eyes again it was dark and she could get soft snoring from the bed beside her. She got up and snuck out of her bed not caring about making any noise.

She decided to walk around the castle for a bit before she ended up sitting and looking at the lake beside the castle, not the ocean but it had the same comfort.

There she sat thinking about life for a while not once looking down at her arms. After hours or maybe minutes she made her way back to her dorm, there at the window she saw an angel standing.

“Isadora?” She called out. Isadora turned and smiled at her softly. They just stood there for a while without speaking before Estella turned away without a word, she went back to her bed and shut the curtains. She didn’t expect Isadora to say anything but

“Can I please sleep here?” Her voice was small

“Okay” Estella found herself saying. So they red haired girl crept into the small bed and shut the curtains after her. She laid down beside Estella without touching her just looking at her. At some point Isadora fell asleep but not Estella. She was too busy watching her, she was an angel, she looked like fallen snow.