the break
it was a well known fact that sirius dreaded leaving hogwarts to return home. while he never explained the depths of it, the slight sarcasms and defensive mannerisms hinted towards the start of an answer. his friends were not blind, they could see something wasn't right about the black family. they may be pureblood royalty on the outside, but it became clear that something darker than their very name ruled behind the scenes.
he was mostly silent the whole ride back to king's cross station, this was not unusual, the train rides home were always tough for sirius. but something felt different this time. something felt... wrong. sirius couldn't quite put his finger on it, but there was a heavy dread in the pit of his stomach that he knew meant something bad was coming.
as soon as he stepped off the train and met his parents' eyes, he knew it was going to be a long two weeks. he could read their blank expressions easier than the stars in the sky. he thought he was mistaken but the longer he stared the more sure he was. the usual look of disgust and resentment was masking a slight glint of... excitement? it was a look he'd only ever caught a glimpse of during a particularly harsh punishment.
merlin, this better be good.
once sirius and regulus made their way to their parents, the elders each took a child and apparated back home. the sinister chill made sirius shiver upon arrival. he always hated how desolate it was yet thought it amusing that the atmosphere in grimmauld place matched perfectly with its inhabitants. a cold, empty, heartless place for cold, empty, heartless people. he could hardly wait any longer for the day he turned seventeen, for the day he could finally leave this shell of what may have once been a home.
the four members of the family typically kept to themselves. it was rare for sirius to leave his bedroom for anything unnecessary, rarer for him to run into the others in the endless halls. dinner, however, was mandatory. every night, six pm sharp, they would gather around a table much too long for such a small household and eat whatever grand meal the house elves prepared.
orion and walburga sat at each head of the table, far enough away that they had to speak up if they chose to speak at all. sirius and regulus sat across from each other towards the center of the table, an equal distance from each parent. they often ate in silence, leaving only the sound of silverware on china and some chewing every now and again.
sirius loathed the silence that filled every crevice of the building, but knew from experience that filling it was not worth the trouble. a week of isolated neglect in the cellar made sure of that. several times.
though nothing had been particularly out of place, sirius could not shake the overwhelming dread that seemed to replace his own shadow. something was coming. something big, something dark, something horrid. he could feel it.
sirius would go on to carry the ever-growing shadow for thirteen more days before it found a light source.
thirteen days of coded owls, thirteen days of whispered mirror calls, thirteen days of hiding, thirteen days of fear, thirteen days of uncertainty, thirteen days of nothing.
on the fourteenth day, the final day before they were to return to the castle, dinner was served.
the four sat in near silence, as usual, as they emptied their plates. the heir had almost convinced himself he was only paranoid, worried about everything so nothing could surprise him. luckily, he knew his bloodline well enough to know that timing is of utmost importance to their schemes.
"sirius," orion announced after clearing his throat, "your mother and i have spoken with the dark lord and he believes, with your birthright, it is imperative for you to join him once you've finished your schooling. we-"
"excuse me?" orion halted his speech, thrown off by his eldest son's quick response, "you must be joking."
"how dare you interrupt your father, boy! have we taught you nothing!?" the matriarch screeched, pointing her wand in her heir's direction.
"enough, walburga," she hesitantly backed down, "sirius, we will accept no less than perfect marks from here on out. shall you meet his requirements, you will-"
"the dark lord's requirements? you're all bloody mental if you think i'd ever hope to please that lunatic!" he stood, throwing his chair back with the movement.
"sirius, be quiet-"
"oh, quiet yourself regulus! i'm not letting that slimy little cult leader own me!"
"sirius, you will sit down this instant!" orion's voice boomed, echoing across the estate.
"not bloody likely!" he stormed to his room, slamming the door behind him and pulling out his hogwarts trunk. he parked the trunk on his bed and began stuffing it with all of his belongings, nearly completing his packing, until he was interrupted by a crack.
before he could blink, kreacher had taken sirius' hand and apparated him to his father's study, leaving him in the inescapable hands of his tormentors.
incarcerous!
he was bound to the chair behind him, charmed ropes pulling tighter each time he moved.
silencio!
he fought, he screamed, he cried, yet not a sound escaped his lips.
crucio!
he burned.
crucio!
everything burned.
crucio!
he could feel his blood boiling him alive.
crucio!
if someone told him he drank molten lava straight from a volcano that night, he'd have believed them.
crucio!
he felt a chilled hand grip his scalp, felt it pull. the burning had stopped, yet he still felt the heat of a thousand suns under his skin.
"you will not disrespect your father again, you insolent brat!" his mother's growl would never be forgotten, no matter how hard he tried.
"i trust you will... reconsider your decision when the time comes, son."
the next morning, no one spoke a word. orion returned the boys to the train station and left them only with a scowl of disapproval towards his eldest son. sirius could feel his entire body trembling but he wasn't sure if it was anxiety or the aftershock of the torture curse. he knew it was probably both. he hoped his friends wouldn't notice.
he was the first to find their usual compartment, sitting alone for nearly ten minutes before james waltzed in ready to compare christmases. peter followed shortly after. remus was last, as always, muggle transportation causing him a delay the others needn't worry about. his father didn't have the time to apparate him, it seems he never did.
the moment remus closed the door behind him, james began sharing his adventures over the break.
"-and mum made a grand dinner with the elves! dad tried to help too, but he nearly burnt the house down. mum insists on cooking the muggle way, says it tastes better. and, merlin, i got a new broom!" he rambled a bit, overflowing with excitement as usual, "what about you lot?"
"we visited some family in germany," peter began, "bloody brilliant, it is. my sister is thinking of moving out there. i think i might join her after hogwarts, not sure though. moony?"
"mum got me some records, dad found a new american author and got me one of his books. some big horror writer, stephen king. never really got into horror stories but it's pretty good," remus was just thankful his dad was trying, even if he didn't always get it right, "otherwise it was uneventful. pads?"
"hmm? fine. don't really celebrate christmas. foolish muggle holiday, mother says." now that the attention was on him, he focused more on controlling the tremors. still, they didn't go unnoticed as remus grabbed hold of his hand to steady it.
"did they do anything?" james asked softly, already knowing the answer by the shake in padfoot's limbs.
"nothing out of the ordinary. hardly saw them for most of the break." technically, it was the truth. the cruciatus curse had become somewhat of a regular punishment over the last few years, whether his friends knew it or not. what they don't know can't hurt them, he figured.
"and you're sure you're alright?" james, ever the maternal force, confirmed. sirius nodded and they moved on, talking about nothing specific for the rest of the train ride. if sirius wasn't going to talk, it was no use trying to make him.
the feast was grand as always and the great hall's enchanted ceiling was gently flurrying above the student body, still a breathtaking sight to most. the group ate and talked and laughed and even almost had a few food fights, an ordinary dinner for the mischief makers. well, most of them anyway. sirius sat in silence and pushed his food around his plate, hardly ever actually taking a bite. he tried to keep up with the other three but he couldn't seem to get out of his head long enough.
after dinner, the four boys settled into their dorm and sirius instantly retreated to his bed. the events of the night before consumed his thoughts. he knew his family supported the dark lord and his family knew he didn't. but his opinion never mattered to them. he never mattered to them. he was their puppet and for every string he broke, they added two more. it was his birthright, after all, to carry the legacy his ancestors built. a legacy that often had him wishing he was never born.
sirius hid behind the curtains of his fourposter, allowing them to shield him from the outside world, leaving him to ponder ways out of this... situation. for a moment he thought he should ask james. james always knew what to do. but he was too ashamed to admit his parents' plans. james would never hang around a future death eater, none of them would.
he drifted into a fitful sleep after half an hour. he knew it wouldn't last. by two am, his eyes shot open and he looked around the room to confirm his true location. he was panting and drenched in sweat and the torture curse woke with its victim, reigniting itself and clawing at his skin. usually, when sirius couldn't sleep he would crawl into bed with remus or james, sometimes even peter, but he couldn't. not now. they'd ask him about it, what was keeping him up. how was he supposed to explain this? how was he supposed to admit his parents used unforgivable curses on him? how was he supposed to tell them he's set to be sold to the dark lord?
short answer, he was not. he couldn't do that to them, couldn't drown them in his own despair. they deserved someone much better than him. the only way he could think to get out of his arrangements was to prove he was not worthy of the mark, not in his parents' eyes. prove he was not an asset. prove he was everything they said he was, an embarrassment, a disgrace, a stain on the family tree. prove that he was not a black.
instead of trying to sleep, he got to planning. he brainstormed as many pranks as he could think of, any trouble he could cause. before he knew it, the sunlight crept through the windows and pulled james out of his slumber. he'd come up with a plethora of pranks and he was more than ready to share.
"morning prongs. sleep well?" there was an edge to his tone, an excitement. james noticed it, also noticed how out of character it was for sirius to be this upbeat at seven am.
"uh, fine, thanks. you sleep at all?" he knew the answer.
"got a few hours in. planned some pranks while you lot were out. you want in?" an unfamiliar gleam filled his eyes, james could see it. he wasn't so sure it was the best idea to engage, not sure sirius was in his right mind, but he was never one to turn down a good prank.
"show me what you got."
and he did. some were pretty good, sticking charms in the great hall, charming the statues to move on their command, real rain from the enchanted ceiling during dinner, so on and so forth. others, not so much. a fair amount were targeted at snape's lot, hexes and sneak attacks and color changing clothes and hair removal shampoos and exploding cauldrons in potions and vicious plants in herbology. the simpler ones james could get behind, the ones that caused more humiliation than harm. but the attacks, the violence, james wouldn't tolerate it. he would gladly charm their slytherin robes to gryffindor ones or glue snape to a chair, but he would not orchestrate an attack via carnivorous plant.
"pads, don't you think some of these are a bit cruel?" he hoped an outside perspective would help.
"oh, come on prongs, don't tell me you've gone soft. we're not killing the slimeball, just scaring him a bit. it'll be fine, you'll see."
james felt the need to share these 'pranks' with remus and peter, show them how ridiculous sirius was being, maybe they could talk him down. he also thought of telling mcgonagall about this new attitude his best friend had, a detention or two might mellow him out. before that, though, he decided to give it some time, figuring sirius just needed to cool down from his time at home.
by the end of their first week back, sirius was relentless. he traded sleep for brainstorming, homework for planning, he even pulled some pranks on his own in secret. he had yet to cause any real harm but james knew it was only a matter of time.
he paid extra attention to the canine who seemed to be frenzying nonstop since their return. he didn't know what was wrong, couldn't guess if he tried, but he knew it meant something happened over the holiday. something bad. bad enough for sirius to not only hide, but act out on. because that's all this seemed to be, acting out.
remus had ended up in sirius' bed every night this week, hearing the whimpers and pleads in his sleep and wanting nothing more than to help his boyfriend. sirius never explained it. remus stopped asking.
he hardly spoke of anything other than pranks. everything else seemed to set him off. merlin forbid they mention class or homework or studying or hogsmeade or mealtimes or sleep or- or- or-
he wanted nothing to do with any of it. if he shut down their concerns and they continued to bring them up, he exploded. he was not one to scream at his friends, not out of anger at least, but he couldn't seem to control his temper. he was flying off the handle at every minor inconvenience.
if someone bumped into him, it was like they'd shoved him off his broom. if someone mentioned his homework, his marks, they may as well have just called him a failure, a lost cause. they may as well have just expelled him on the spot.
james wanted to speak to him. james wanted to help him. james wanted this spiral to end. he found sirius alone in the dorm and took his chance.
"hey, uh, pads? could i have a word?" he tried hard to conceal his nerves.
"what's up, prongs?"
"well, it's just- you've been a bit different lately and i'm not sure why. but i want you to know that if anything is going on you can tell me. i won't be mad, i won't judge you, i won't tell a soul if you don't want me to, but you have to tell me."
"different?" he exclaimed, "i'm different? last time i checked it was you who softened up, trying so hard to impress evans that you've lost your touch! i'm the same as i've always been, you're just too whipped to see it!"
james knew he hit a nerve. something happened, sirius is acting different and he knows it, he wants to pretend it didn't happen. solidifying this i'm his mind, he chose not to react to the outburst.
"if you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. i just want you to know that you can, okay?"
"there's nothing to tell, james," he shut down, "my only issue is your newfound soft spot. you don't have to play nice with snivellus anymore. lily stopped talking to him, the slimeball is fair game."
"that's not-" james let out a heavy sigh, "look, sirius, i don't know what happened over the break but-"
"nothing bloody happened! why don't you get that?" sirius was getting angry, he was getting defensive. james knew destruction was next.
"i don't know what happened over the break, but when you finally decide to address it, i will be here." he walked out before he got a response. sirius didn't like that. he didn't like the lack of control he had. james would usually back him up on anything, encourage his every whim. but now, james was seeing what sirius didn't want him to see. james was seeing beneath the surface. james was digging too deep into the empty void that became sirius black.
control, he thought, i need to be in control. i can't let them control me. i can't let anyone control me.
sirius undoubtedly believed he was in complete control of himself. he believed his moves were calculated and precise and sane. he was wrong on all accounts.
the more time passed, the further he slipped. the further he slipped, the more he acted. the more he acted, the worse he got.
the line was drawn in herbology, where, as promised, he orchestrated an attack. once severus walked into the greenhouse, once he walked by the large pink jaws of the venomous tentacula, they snapped. it was vicious, it was ruthless, it was sickening. in seconds, snape's robes were torn to shreds, shallow teeth marks covered his arms, he fell silent, he fell unconscious. the plant refused to release its prey until the professor shot a quick spell to kill it.
everyone assumed it was an accident, perhaps someone forgot to feed it, but james knew. he remembered sirius pitching the idea. he remembered turning it down. yet sirius did it anyway.
snape was rushed to the hospital wing. everyone looked worried. well, almost everyone. sirius had that same unfamiliar gleam in his eye that he'd had for weeks now. he looked impressed. he looked proud. james couldn't let this go.
while remus and peter made their way to dinner, james held sirius back. they were going to talk about this now.
"what the hell was that?!" he kept his voice low, but the implication was not lost.
"what was what?" deep down, he knew what. but he wouldn't admit he knew he was wrong.
"you know bloody well what, sirius! i told you we weren't doing that! i told you that prank was too far! you know the venomous tentacula is venomous, right? you know it could've killed him?"
"but it didn't. he's fine, isn't he? it was in a controlled environment for a reason, prongs, i know what i'm doing." he spoke so confidently, hiding the realization of what he almost did. why he hadn't thought of it before, he couldn't say.
"do you?" anger turned quickly into disappointment.
"of course, i'm not an idiot-"
"-jury is still out on that one-"
"-it was just a good scare, nothing to worry so much about."
"sirius, we're done with the pranks, do you hear me? done. we're not doing a damn thing until you get it together. do you understand?" it was unlike james to be so stern. it was also unlike james to hurt him but, given the boy's experience, he didn't want to push far enough to find out if he would.
so, instead of arguing back, sirius just nodded, accepting his defeat. he knew james would be keeping him on a tighter leash. one toe out of line and james would not hesitate to take it to their head of house. so he kept his head down and followed james' order, realizing he was no longer in control.
maybe he's right, he thought, maybe this is for the best.