“You must be the one to kill me Severus”
“And my soul, Dumbledore? Mine?”
The conversation has been on repeat in my mind for the last 7 months.
Today was the day. The day I become a traitor and murderer of their beloved Dumbledore.
I wonder what they will think of me tomorrow. Potter with his endless anger and suspicion. My guess is a mix of vindication and grief. The arrogance of his beliefs, at the cost of his mentor. Our mentor.
What about Minerva? No doubt I will be called a coward and traitor. I suppose I am. The rest of the staff will whisper my name in fear and undisguised hatred. The Order will probably curse the day I was ever invited to join. The students…
It matters not.
It was time.
In the end, so long as the Dark Lord remains ignorant of my true allegiance, I will tear my soul apart to maintain the illusion.
“You must kill me.”
But …
What about me? In the end, who will lament the man I was? Because I know after this act of perceived betrayal, I will no longer exist as the boy who dreamed of something better, who dared to love someone so fiercely that it led to my own ruin. When the act is done, there will be nothing left but the monster they already see me as. My grave will go undisturbed... but perhaps that’s fitting. Perhaps a monster was all I was meant to become. After all, who could love Severus Snape?
I took a breath, applied my Occlumency so intensely, I could almost hear the locks click. Hiding the secrets of my mind from the world. Ascending the staircase silently, my heart stopped.
No.
No.
Albus wouldn’t be so cruel as to demand an audience, would he? My reluctant brethren do not count, as they have paid tickets to the show. But to sneak in an uninvited witness…
Her face comes to me then, unbidden, as it always does. Lily. Her laughter, her warmth, her love—everything I’ve spent my life chasing and everything I destroyed with my own foolishness. I betrayed her. I will continue to betray her, in an effort to protect her ungrateful son.
I glance up. Those green eyes were her final, unyielding revenge. A piercing reminder of the life sacrificed. And yet, she still lingers, a ghost in every suspicious-laced glance, haunting me with the weight of her absence and the burden of my unending guilt and duty.
I could almost see my own eyes pleading for the Boy-Who-Lived to remain silent, begging him to at least trust me this once. Maybe for the first and final time…
Oh, Lily, I’m so sorry.
It felt like the last pitiful pieces of my soul corroded when Potter, no Harry, slowly nodded. At last trusting me to do the right thing. I can’t bear it.
I put my finger to my lips, knowing this moment will haunt him for the rest of time. Knowing I was about to kill the man he has exalted as his personal saviour.
I turned away.
Climbing these last steps felt akin to marching towards my own execution. Not my mentors.
Time appears to slow. How did we reach this point? How did I become the instrument of demise to the only man who has provided me with a chance at redemption? Not that I deserve it, mind you, or will ever reach the point of having done enough.
He stands there, swaying slightly on the edge of the tower.
His eyes.
Oh, his eyes.
No fear, no regrets. Just trust. A trust I’ve done nothing to deserve and everything to destroy. The words linger on my tongue, tasting like ash, burning like poison. I need a moment, just one more moment. I compose myself. I must. I will become the man he needs me to be.
Yet as I meet his gaze for the final time, calm and expectant, I realise something that nearly provokes laughter. Harsh and seldom used as it is. He believes he is sparing Draco, and perhaps he is, but he is destroying me. But maybe, just maybe, that’s what I deserve.
“Severus, please…”