Sirius was worried to say the least. Regulus had barely left his room in four days, only coming out when Sirius made him go down for dinner which he picked at and didn’t eat much off, seemingly just trying to get back to his room as fast as possible.
His eyes looked sad and tired, his hair was tangled, he was paler that normal and his under eyes had a purple tint as if he hadn’t slept. So yes Sirius was very worried for his little brother.
They’d lived together after three years of living with the Potters, running away from their abusive parents at fourteen and fifteen, it was a lot but at least now they were safe. Sirius had bought a flat once he turned eighteen, Effie and Monty were happy to let them continue living with them but Sirius wanted the independence he’d craved all his life. Naturally regulus came with him. Like always.
They’d always been close, but recently regulus had been distant, usually they’d sit together on a night time and watch shitty quiz shows and guessing the answers but for the past few days he wouldn’t leave his room, wouldn’t talk and wouldn’t even look at Sirius.
Regulus lay in bed on his side facing the wall, he hadn’t moved since opening his eyes this morning. The room was still dark as the curtains were still closed and had been for a few days now, a mug sat on the window sill next to his journal, he knew he should be using it to help ‘regulate his emotions’ as his old therapist put it but he found the packet of cigarettes and the razor blade (that sat hidden behind the closed curtain) worked a lot better.
Eventually he rolled onto his back, his ears were ringing but he could hear his brothers music playing from the kitchen, even the thought of going in there made him sick and the thought of eating made his throat close up. His attempts to avoid it and not leave his bed would be successful if his brother would stop forcing him to eat dinner every night.
As if on cue there was a knock at the door. Regulus just hid further under the covers, turning to face the door.
Sirius pushed open the door after a few seconds of silence deciding it was okay to go in. He looked around the dimly lit room that was now being illuminated by the hallway light, clothes sat pilled on a chair and there was books all over the floor, finally he looked at the regulus shaped lump under the duvet. Letting out a small sigh he walked over and sat next to regulus, leaning against the headboard.
“I was thinking about making pasta for dinner, your favourite” it wasn’t really a question more of a statement. When he got no response Sirius shuffled down the bed to lie and face his brother, pulling the blanket down away from his face.
God his face, his eyes were glazed over and had purple bags under them, somehow worse than before.
“Come on mate, you’ve got to have something, you’ve not had anything since last night”
“I’m not hungry” it was muffled by the duvet but it was clear it was said. His voice was rough from not talking and he visibly winced at the sound. Sirius looked at him with sad eyes.
“You know you can talk to me right? About anything. You’re not doing well and I can see that so don’t try and lie to me. If you’re struggling to eat we can work out a plan, like last time. If it’s stress or anything like that there’s other things we can do to help it. Have you been using your journal like Sandra said to?” The silence was all the answer he needed.
He reached over Regulus towards the window, taking down the book, knocking the curtains in the process. A box of tabs fell over. He felt Regulus move to put his head back under the covers. “Well that was unexpected, whatever we’ll address that later but right now we’re going to sit in the living room and write in this for once, it’s begging for more than just a sentence Reg” with that Sirius stood from the bed, holding one hand out for his brother to take while the other clutched the journal.
After a minute or so Regulus sat up in bed taking his brothers outstretched hand and standing up, pausing for a moment to catch his balance when he went dizzy. Slowly, they made their way to the couch in the living room and sat down on the cold leather. Sirius never let go of his hand once.
A knitted blanket was thrown over him, Effie had made it for him the week after they’d ran away. It was all different shades of green and blue, matching the hoodie he was currently wearing, god when was the last time he’s changed? He doesn’t remember. Instead he pulled his knees to his chest and hugged the blanket close to himself, watching Sirius closely as he put down the journal on the arm of the chair and sitting silently beside him, legs crisscrossed looking towards Regulus.
“You can either talk or write or both, it’s up to you, but you need to do one. I’ve watched you rot away in your room for almost a week and don’t try and say you’ve been talking to your friends about it, I know you haven’t because the little loud one, erm… Barty, that one, messaged me asking if you were okay. Not to mention James has been almost as worried as me. If not more” Sirius patted his knee and waited for a response.
Regulus didn’t know what to say, he didn’t think anyone cared that much if he was honest but then again he hadn’t been responding to anyone either. He put his head on his knees looking to the right at Sirius, still avoiding eye contact but this was the closest he got to looking at his brother in a week. “I’ve just been a bit sad that’s all, I’m fine” his cheek was squashed to his knee so the words sounded muffled as they came out.
“We don’t get ‘a bit sad’ though Reggie,” he threw up air quotes “you know that. I’m going to go get you a snack before I start dinner. I can sit with you or just leave you to it?” He just had to take one look in his brothers eyes to see he was begging him to stay “I’ll be back, is an apple okay? I know that’s a safe food for you”
He gave a small nod and Sirius got up to go in the kitchen, offering a small smile. Regulus leaned back in the couch and eyed the pen and journal.
It’s not that hard, just pick it up and write
Except it was that hard, writing it down would be admitting something was wrong and there was nothing wrong. Sure he wasn’t eating and was cutting again but he was just sad.
Eventually he picked up the little green book and felt the fabric of the cover, he flipped through it to find the next blank page, wrote the date and stared.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d stared at the page for but Sirius had came back and put a bowl of cut up apple next to him.
“You’re starring at that page like it’s personally offended you” Sirius chuckled sitting back down “you don’t have to write you can talk instead and before you give me that look, you don’t have to talk to me, talk to James, he’s dying to hear from you” he smiled at his brother who just rolled his eyes and picked up the pen again.
The apples sat on the arm, turning brown and untouched. Sirius had sat next to him the whole time, in silence no less, and claiming it a small victory that half the page was full, he stood up, cracking his knuckles.
“I’m gonna start dinner now, pasta, James is coming over as well. Eat your apple” he turned around and went into the kitchen.
Regulus groaned, throwing his head back hearing his brother laugh at him from the other room. He closed the journal, deciding half a page was enough emotional vulnerability for today and stood up going into the bathroom. Leaving the apples behind.
He looked at himself in the mirror for the first time in days, he was a mess to put it bluntly, moving slowly he brushed his teeth and ringed his face. James was coming and he loved James, well of course he loved James, he’s his boyfriend. Sirius wasn’t best pleased when he found out a year and a half ago but he came around when he worked out if they got married James would be his official brother in law.
James knew about how his mind could get, hell he’d even spent the day in bed with him and helped him bathe when it got really bad, this wasn’t one of those times though, it was under control. James was so lovely, his smile and hair and face and god, just his whole everything was amazing. He loved James.
Regulus exited the bathroom and returned to his own room, it was a mess but he didn’t really care, after closing the door he sat on the edge of the bed and reached behind the curtain, grabbing the cold blade hidden beside the cigarette box. Rolling up the sleeve of his green hoodie he sighed.
“One more couldn’t hurt, I have time” he mumbled to himself. He needed to stop that, mumbling, mother would be furious.
Carefully, he brung the razor to his scarred wrist and dragged it across, he watched the beads of blood form. He repeated the motion a few seconds later just underneath. Once he was satisfied, he wiped the blood away with a cotton pad out of the drawer next to him and put a plaster over it. He rolled his sleeve back down and went back to the living room.
James was there by this point, sat in the seat where Regulus previously was, he looks up when regulus walks in and his face lights up.
“Hi love, you alright?” He stands up and opens his arms, offering a hug.
Regulus takes the offer and puts his head into the crook of James’s neck and nods.
“Still not feeling like talking? That’s okay, anyway Sirius said dinner almost ready”
He nods slightly and lifts his head, giving a small smile. After another five minutes Sirius calls them into the kitchen, three places set with three bowls of pasta, two with sauce and one plain.
Sirius and James talk, about what? Regulus doesn’t know, he’s not paying attention, he’s to busy glaring at the bowl of plain pasta in front of him. It’s never done anything to him of course but his current mood isn’t making it any better. Food is already a tough subject anyways but when he has an episode (not that this is an episode, he’s fine) it becomes so much worse.
While lost in thought he doesn’t register Sirius asking him a question. “Is that okay? If I go out, James will stay with you”
“What? Oh, yeah that’s fine, where are you going?” Regulus asks, playing with his food.
“Just over to Remus’s place, I’ll be back tomorrow. And yes I know who you don’t need a babysitter but I thought you wouldn’t mind James’s company since you’ve been avoiding everyone the past week” Sirius stated, standing up and putting his bowl in the sink along with James’s.
“I suppose I could deal with him” he looks over at James who’s already staring right at him, smiling. He’s always smiling.
“Oh come on Reg, you know you love me” he reaches over and tries to pinch his cheek but Regulus moves away before he could.
Sirius leaves after doing the dishes, including throwing away the apple slices from two hours ago and his brothers half eaten bowl of pasta. James sits with him on the couch, Regulus leaning on James’s shoulder, James has his arm loosely around his waist. The touch feels like burning.
James shifted to turn more towards him, Regulus looked up, “Are you really okay? You’ve just barely said a word or even looked at me and I know talking and eye contact aren’t your strong suits anyway but it’s never like this. You know you can talk to me right?” He had a pleading look in his eyes, begging for Regulus to be honest with him. He couldn’t.
“I’m fine, just tired” yeah real convincing there, Black, he’s definitely going to believe that. “I think I’m going to go to bed actually, I’ll leave the light on for you if you’d like?” He stands up, albeit a bit to fast as he has to catch himself on the arm of the couch, James looks at him concerned.
“Oh okay, I’m gonna have a shower then I’ll join you, yeah” James stands as well, kissing his boyfriend’s forehead. “I love you”
God why’s he making this so hard “I love you too”
Regulus walks first, going straight back to his room and curling into a ball on his bed, hearing the sound of the shower running as if it was some kind of white noise. The hoodie and pyjama pants he’s wearing are making his impossibly hot but he can’t do anything about it unless he wants James to know he’s spiralling again. So instead he lies there staring at the blank wall and breathes.
He’s not sure at what point the tears start but they do, and he doesn’t know when it gets hard to breathe either but it does. He doesn’t know how long he cries before James comes back and sits next to him trying to get his attention but he’s too far gone at this point.
“Reg, can you hear me? It’s James, you’re okay, breathe with me yeah” he feels a hand on his wrist and winces when the hand squeezes at it. His hand gets moved to a different surface. A chest, it’s on James’s chest, he feels his heartbeat and tries to match to breathing but it’s not working.
“I know it’s hard love but you have to breathe, in through your nose, out through your mouth. There that’s great, keep following me” after a few minutes of this the only thing hindering his breathing was the occasional hiccup or small sob. “Please tell me what’s wrong, you’re not fine, Reg. I know your aren’t, I left you for five minutes and you start crying and had a panic attack. Please love”
Regulus just shook his head and leaned into James’s chest, he sighed and brung his hands to Regulus’s head, stroking a hand through his hair. Eventually the sobs die down and James moves them so they are lying down, facing each other. One hand on his boyfriend’s face, stroking his cheekbone. Regulus hugs himself, as if trying to make himself as small as possible.
“Please talk to me” James whispers into the other boys hair.
Regulus takes a deep breath and looks James in the eye for the first time, they’re sad looking and red, shit had James been crying? Did I make him cry?. Another kiss in his head brought him back from the spiral.
“I don’t think I’m happy, I don’t know, this week has just been harder?” He tried so hard to tell the whole truth, about the cigarettes and the razors and the not eating but he just couldn’t get the words out. He look up to James again who looked back at him with the most love and admiration anyone had ever dared to show him.
“Tell me if it gets worse, okay? I want to help. I know it’s not easy and you and Sirius hate these kinds of talks but I’m proud of you” James hugged Regulus tight, muttering sweet nothings into his curls.
They stay lie that for a while, Regulus’s head rests on James’s chest and James’s arms are wrapped tightly around his middle. It was silent in the room apart from their breathing and the only light now coming from a crack in the curtains and a street light outside. James moved to his head and ran his fingers through the meat of black curls that lay on his chest, Regulus looked up at him and smiled.
“I love you” you could barely hear him and you wouldn’t if you weren’t paying attention. A small whisper.
“I love you too Reg”
It’d been another week since then and things weren’t better, in fact they were worse. Cuts now trailed all up Regulus’s arm, angry red lines lay on his pale skin. Eyes permanently glassy and tired, skin clinging to his bones and he couldn’t remember the last time he showered. He refused to look at himself, or anyone else for that matter, to scared that if he did, he’d crack.
James had been over a few more times, so had Remus but he refused to leave his room and for the past couple of days he wouldn’t even let James see him, Sirius tried to get him to talk but he just faked sleeping so he’d leave. Barty and Evan had been messaging, he’d seen the texts just didn’t answer and apparently Pandora had been to the door asking for him.
It was seven thirty at night when he sat up and looked out of the window next to his bed, quietly shifting the curtains and opening the window, Sirius had just went in the shower so he had time for a cigarette without any possible interruptions. His hands shook as he opened the box, from cold or not eating he wasn’t sure but he lit the end and let the smoke flow into his lungs.
It still burned a bit because he wasn’t used to it quite yet but it felt good, he blew it out the open window and watched as the end let off curls of smoke. It was beautiful. It seems silly but moments like this make his mind go quiet just for a short while but those five minutes are a welcome silence compared to the constant noise flooding his head.
The shower shuts off down the hall so he quickly stubs out the cig and closes the window. He flicks on the lamp on the bedside and listens for his brother’s footsteps to pass, they do eventually but pause outside of the door, stand for a second then continue walking.
Yeah regulus felt bad for making the people he loved worry but there was honestly nothing to worry about. It was just a bit of a down day that’s all. A down day that turned into two weeks but that’s not the point, the point is that he’s fine and everyone is being dramatic.
He looks at his phone, squinting at the brightness, texts and missed calls flooding the screen, he ignores them and puts the phone back down.
Sitting up he decides it’s time to brush his teeth, it’s a small task but it’s taking so much effort to stay awake that this feels big. He stands and walks out of his room. The telly in the living room is playing Eastenders, Sirius is lying across the couch, jumping up when he hears the door open. They lock eyes for a second before Regulus walks into the bathroom and closes the door.
Luckily the mirror is still fogged up so he can’t see himself. Picking up the toothbrush and putting his toothpaste on it he starts slowly brushing his teeth. It feels like he’s stood there forever but it’s only been about a minute, he’s already tired. Once done he leaves the bathroom, but is met by his brother standing outside the door.
“We’re talking, I’m not taking no as an answer this time. You look like death Reg, I’m not watching this any longer, I’m really fucking worried about you” Sirius’s hands are on his shoulder. “I’m serious Reg” there was no joke in his tone “we’re going to talk, you’re going to eat something and you’re going in the shower, I’ll even wash your hair for you. Yes I know you don’t want to and you don’t want to do any of this but you’re spiralling again and I’m not watching you get worse” there was tears in his eyes, he held his baby brothers clammy hand, leading him to the living room, switching off the telly and sitting on the floor.
That’s how it would go when they were little living in Grimmauld place, they’d sit on their shared bedrooms floor and talk to each other.
The tradition (if you could call it that) continued after moving in with the potters, sitting together on the floor, telling all.
That’s where Regulus came out to his brother. Where Sirius told him about Remus. When Regulus broke down for the first time about his struggle with eating.
Of course not everything was sad or emotional, there was happy things too. Sirius showing Regulus the key to the flat they currently sit in or when they got their first tattoos but didn’t want to show each other till they sat on the floor and revealed the Leo constellation on Sirius’s left arm and canis major on Regulus’s chest, just below his collarbone.
Regulus doesn’t look at his brother, he knows he needs to tell him but it’s not that bad, he can fix this himself, he knows he can.
“We are not leaving this floor until you tell me what’s going on, I already know about the fags because I seen them last week and I can tell you’re struggling with eating but there’s more to it than that, I know there is” Sirius rubs his thumb across the boys trembling hand. “Take all the time you need”
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breathe, tapping his leg with his free hand, it’s fine, this is your brother, he won’t be mad, he’s not mother, he has helped you before he’ll help again. Regulus tries to calm himself. Tears sting his eyes when he finally looks at Sirius, he looks exhausted and so so sad.
“I’m sorry” that’s it, that’s all he manages to get out before the tears come and he starts sobbing. Sirius of course pulls him into a tight hug, rocking them side to side like they did as kids.
Regulus sobs into his brothers shirt, fisting at the fabric of the back as if he’ll disappear if he lets go. Whispers of ‘you’re okay’ and ‘I’m here, let it out’ are said as a hand runs through his hair.
They sat like that for almost ten minutes until all the tears dried up and his breathing evened out. He was exhausted now but he had been for a while, not realising it because he was too busy trying to convince everyone (and himself) that he was fine. Regulus lay his head down on Sirius’s shoulder and his brother cheek was squashed against his hair.
“Okay I’m ready” Regulus almost has to force it out but it’s said now, there’s no going back. Sirius waits.
“I’m not happy and I don’t know what to do, I didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t think it was this bad but” he takes a deep breathe “it is, it’s really bad actually. I don’t even know why either, I just woke up one day like last week and thought ‘wow okay I can’t do this anymore’ and it’s so stupid I know” Sirius cuts him off.
“This is not stupid Regulus, nothing about you struggling is stupid. You are trying so hard and it just got too much and that’s completely okay because there’s so many people that love you and will help and pick you back up when you fall apart” the words were funny sounding because of there position but a small smile played on Regulus’s lips anyway. “Sorry, continue”
“You were right about the eating thing, it’s hard. I think my brain just wants control over something. And I’ve been” he stops. Look he’s trying, but it’s so hard to tell his brother, the same brother who got them out of that abusive house, that you’re hurting yourself now. He really wants to but he just can’t.
“Yeah?” Sirius rubbing up and down his arm. He tried not to wince.
“I’ve been um. Oh for fucks sake, stay here” he stood up and walked to his room, collecting the hidden razor, plasters, and bandages in his arms, returned to the living room to a very confused Sirius and sat back down. “Here” it was barely audible but it was said now, he couldn’t exactly say ‘Never mind, can I have those back’.
“I don’t understand? Why do you have so many plasters? Reg what happened? Are you…” he trailed off, seeing the blade “Reg have you been cutting yourself?” A small nod “can I see your arms?”
He takes a breath and slowly pushes up the sleeve of his hoodie, showing his scarred arm, new cuts sat scabbing over near his elbow while the rest had gone pink. Sirius carefully held his arm. “How long?” Was all he could say.
Regulus shrugged. “A few weeks maybe? I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t”
“It’s okay, you’re telling me now and that’s all that matters. Right, I’m going to take these ” he slowly pulled the sleeve back down and picked up the razor and plasters. “We’re going to throw this away and I’d like to clean the newer cuts, if you don’t want me to that’s fine but just in case yeah?” He got up and pulled Regulus up by his hands. He nods, this is fine, everything is going to be okay.
Regulus sat on the closed toilet lid, hoodie sleeve rolled up as Sirius carefully cleaned his arm, muttering little sorry’s every now and then. A plaster was placed over them afterwards and Regulus’s pulled down his sleeve, holding it close to his chest.
“I’m really proud of you for telling me, I know it was hard” Sirius pulled him into a short hug and continued. “Okay, I’m going to make us something to eat, just something small and I’ll sit with you as long as it takes, then you’re having a shower, I love you but you smell” he lets out a small laugh “I’ll wash your hair over the sink if you want? It’s all tangled at the back”
Regulus nodded, grateful for his brother who’d do anything for him. Sirius held out his hand so he took it and was lead to the kitchen, he sat and the chair beneath him creaked ever so slightly (the chair was old and bought from a charity shop but it was Regulus’s favourite one, mostly because of the pealing green paint).
“Okay, what do you fancy” Regulus starred at him “yeah stupid question. How about toast? That’s easy enough, yeah, we’ll do that” Sirius went to the cupboard next to the sink and got out a plate. Blue with stars on. “Do you want to do your own or shall I do it?” Not waiting for an answer, he pulled the bread from the cupboard and put two slices in the toaster.
He knew Regulus wouldn’t want to do it himself, he didn’t trust himself to make decisions about food portions when he got like this so it was just best to let Sirius do it.
Sirius buttered the toast once it popped, (a bit burned but it’s okay), left one slice whole for himself and cut the other into two triangles. Putting the triangles on the star plate and giving it to Regulus.
It felt like being kids again, having a topical breakfast food for dinner. They used to sit on the kitchen floor past their bedtime and have dry cereal if they were sent to bed with nothing because they were too little to use the toaster, so cereal it would be.
“Take your time, don’t try and rush, try at least half?” Regulus nodded and finally picked up the toast, taking a deep breath before biting off a small corner, grimacing then chewing. “Well done”
“Why aren’t you using a plate?” Out of everything Sirius expected to hear, that wasn’t it. “You’re using your hands and crumbs are going all over. You animal”
He rolled his eyes and stood to get a piece of kitchen role to use as a plate. Regulus made a disgusted face and went back to his toast.
It took almost half an hour to finish one and a half triangles of toast but that was enough for Sirius, it was more than expected, he put the plate in the sink and the tissue in the bin, deciding the dishes to be a later problem, and that his brother comes first currently.
“I’m proud of you, I’m going to turn on the shower for you, I’ll do your hair over the side because it’s all tatty and it’ll need brushed out properly. Oh and do you want me to change your bed sheets while you’re in the shower?” Regulus nodded and followed him into the bathroom.
He knelt on the floor and let Sirius comb out his hair and wash it over the side of the bathtub. Once done, he left to change the bedding and regulus showered, placing clean clothes on top of the toilet seat.
By this point he was so tired, he wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep but he couldn’t. Slowly he washed over his body, being careful of his arm and plasters, thinking over the past two weeks and letting the water run down his torso. He wasn’t sure how many times he scrubbed his skin but it was going pink and the mirror was fogging back up but at least he felt clean again.
He got dried and changed into clean black joggers and an old green jumper, this was the first time in two weeks he’d felt clean. He exited the bathroom and walked back to his own room where Sirius was sat on his desk chair, facing the bed which now had green sheets instead of blue. All the clothes had been tidied away, as well as the books that had been returned to their shelves.
“Feel any better?” He questioned as Regulus sat on the edge of the bed.
He nodded,pushing a hand through his hair, “yeah I’m just tired now, that was a lot, not just the showering and eating but the whole emotional vulnerability thing”
“I’ve left your cigs where they were by the way, if that’s what’s helping you cope I don’t mind. You’re nineteen anyway there isn’t much I can do to stop you, but I’d prefer if you’d do it outside or at least at the door, yeah?” Sirius fiddled with a pencil from the striped pen pot on the desk.
Regulus nodded in agreement. “Great. Right then, I’m going to go do the dishes then go to bed, shout if you need anything, okay? I love you”
“I love you too” his brother turns to leave but stops when Regulus calls out to him. “Sirius, can you…” he takes a breath “can you sleep in here tonight? Like when we were little” he doesn’t look up, preparing for rejection. I mean come on, he’s eighteen and asking his big brother to sleep in the same room as him. There is no danger here the whole idea is stupid.
“Yeah ‘course” Sirius smiles “I’ll be back in ten minutes. You better not kick me though like you used to” he points a finger at Regulus and leaves.
As promised Sirius returns and lies next to him, and for the first time in a while, he feels okay, not brilliant obviously but okay. This will all be over soon and he’ll be able to live again.