Chapter 1- Fourth Year
When Remus Lupin got his letter for Hogwarts, he was nothing short of confused. For as long as he could remember, his father had always told him not to get his hopes up. "They’ll never let a monster like you into their school," he had warned. Therefore it was safe to assume that Lyall Lupin was even more shocked than Remus himself. His father had stood rigid and stern next to fourteen year old Remus and demanded to see the letter like he had somehow managed to lie and create it himself. His mother, Hope, however was completely ecstatic and had jumped for joy, almost choking Remus with her bear hug, because even though she’s a muggle, she still understood the importance of a wizarding education.
Remus himself didn’t know how to feel. For one he was excited, he had dreamed of learning magic and meeting other wizards and witches his age for as long as he could remember. However, he was also scared, what if they had made a mistake? What if he hurt somebody? His excitement was tempered with a deep fear and uncertainty. His mother, sensing his unease, offered him a reassuring smile.
“It’s alright sweetheart, I'm sure everything will be explained to us.” she said gently. Her smile was always a comfort, soft and warm, just like her dark caramel eyes and curly brown hair—features Remus had inherited. Although she was slightly taller than him, she was still shorter than his father. Lyall, with his brown eyes and sharp features, was a much more imposing figure. And while his mother’s eyes radiated kindness, his father’s seemed to lack that same warmth.
While his mother was reassuring him, his father had gone straight to his office which didn’t surprise Remus in the slightest, what did surprise him however was him returning to the living room a short while later. "I just spoke with Albus Dumbledore through the Floo," Lyall announced, his voice cold and clipped. "He’ll be coming by tomorrow afternoon to discuss the logistics regarding your... condition." Lyall’s tone was always laced with a mix of disgust and regret whenever he had to acknowledge Remus's lycanthropy, and each time it stung just a little more. It was the same old feeling: as though he was a burden, an unfortunate mistake, a mistake he could never take back.
The reason why this letter was such a shock was because, well Remus was going into his fourth year. The school had deemed him too dangerous to attend when he turned eleven much to his disappointment. He remembered crying for hours on the 31st of August, while his mother just held him and made promises he knew she wouldn’t be able to keep. For the past three years his father had been homeschooling Remus which was a torture he didn’t know he could suffer, he was all stern, strict and cold and absolutely relentless when it came to homework and studying. Even though he wasn’t able to attend Hogwarts, he was given special permission to use magic at home, which was the least the wizarding world could do in Remus’s opinion. So for three years he had been learning and studying every day under his fathers watchful eyes which means that he when he apparently starts his fourth year in one month he won’t be completely behind, thank merlin.
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Albus Dumbledore, Remus decided, was the strangest man he had ever met. It was the next day and the headmaster was sitting across from him at the kitchen table, peering at him through his half-moon spectacles with a look of mild curiosity, his long grey beard positioned neatly in front of him. Remus shifted uncomfortably in his chair, twisting his hands together. He absentmindedly traced the faint scar across the width of his knuckle, trying to avoid Dumbledore’s gaze.
“Now I understand that you have some concerns regarding your situation,” he paused, still studying Remus, who was now fidgeting slightly in his seat. “I can assure you Mr Lupin, that the school has devised a suitable solution,” he smiled slightly before continuing. “On the grounds of Hogwarts a tree has been placed, now this tree is guarding a secret entrance to a shack located just outside of Hogsmead. Each month our school matron will escort you over and come and collect you the morning after.” Remus hesitated before looking up, his doubts rising again. “No offence sir but I don’t think a shack can stop me,” he muttered, the weight of his own fear pressing on his chest. “Ah, I agree, Mr. Lupin,” Dumbledore said with a small chuckle. “Which is why we’ve placed numerous wards around the building to keep you in—and others out.” There was a twinkle in his eye, as though the idea of magical protection against a werewolf was an amusing challenge to him.
“But people will notice,” Remus remarked, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’m sure you have a few smart people who will realise when I disappear the day after the full moon every month.” Remus didn’t know why he was trying so hard to convince Dumbledore that this wouldn’t work. He should be thrilled—he had been accepted to Hogwarts, after all. But the excitement felt distant, buried under a gnawing sense of dread and uncertainty. How could Dumbledore be so confident that he could protect an entire school and a town full of people from the ugly, satanic monster that possessed the deepest parts of him.
“Yes, that’s a good point,” the older wizard sat up a little straighter in his seat. “We thought it might be best if you told people that you possessed a different issue, one with less— negative connotations.” Remus blinked, unsure of where this was going. There was a brief pause as both of them seemed to search for a solution. “Migraines,” Remus suggested with a shrug. “My mother gets them a lot, it could be convincing.” Dumbledore smiled again, although this time it was a little sadder. “Yes, I think that will work.” There was a long moment of silence, and Remus, feeling the weight of it, glanced up at the headmaster. His expression had shifted, becoming more solemn. “Mr. Lupin,” he said gently, his tone serious, “I want to remind you that you deserve a proper education, just like every other witch or wizard your age. If, by some unfortunate chance, your secret gets out, you will not be forced to leave the school. The secrecy is for your benefit, so you can live your life as normal as possible.” Remus just nodded hoping that the headmaster was telling the truth.
While he agreed that he deserved a chance to be a normal kid, to make friends and live a life of hope and happiness. The truth was that he wasn’t normal, he hadn’t been normal since he was five years old. His chances of living the life every other fourteen year old got to live no longer existed. Although, as he now looked at the kindness and warmth in Dumbledore's eyes across his kitchen table, he couldn’t help but make a promise to himself that he would at least try.
After the conversation ended, Dumbledore bid farewell to his parents, giving Remus a playful wink before exiting through the Floo. Lyall Lupin, his face tense with frustration, broke the silence. “Well, you’ll need school supplies, and since I didn’t expect this, we will have to dip into our savings.” Remus had never used the standard Hogwarts booklist or other supplies like dragon-hide gloves when his father taught him. Instead, Lyall had his own collection of books and preferred a more hands-on, practical experience when teaching. “Oh, yes! We can make a day of it,” Hope exclaimed, shooting her husband a brief, pointed glare before her expression softened as she looked from him to Remus. “Let’s go this weekend—Lyall?” Remus, feeling a surge of excitement, leaned forward. “Will we go to Diagon Alley?”
His father, arms crossed as he leaned against the fireplace, nodded once. “Yes, all the necessary supplies will be there.” After a final glance at Remus, he turned and exited the room, likely heading to his study for a drink. Still glowing with pride, Remus’s mother moved toward him. “I’m so proud of you, Remus,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “I know you’ll continue to make me proud every day of my life.” She pulled him into a tight hug, pressing her cheek against his. “I love you,” she said as he hugged her tighter. “I love you too mum,” Remus whispered back, feeling a lump form in his throat.
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It was now a month later and Remus had started to feel an overwhelming amount of anxiety. He was staring at the platform, frozen, gripping his trunk like it was the only thing anchoring him to reality.
“Remus, Remus sweetheart,” his mother called from next to him. Quickly looking up, he met his mothers eyes and started to pray that she would see the amount of fear they held, pleading so that she could take him back to the safety of their own home. “Mum please I can’t do this, don’t make me do this!” he begged urgently. To his great annoyance his mother just laughed and then further betrayed him by dragging him closer to the train. “You’re being dramatic dear, this is all you have wanted for the past three years,” she pointed out, trying to reason with him. “Just think about it, no more long hours of having to listen to your father teach.” And god dammit she was right, he would choose a large castle filled with terrifying children over his father any day of the year and his mother knew it. Glaring at her one last time, Remus caved and continued walking towards the large, red train in the middle of the platform.
There were people surrounding them everywhere. Families were crying whilst saying goodbye to their children and other students were running around, saying hello to friends they haven’t seen all summer, it was almost too overwhelming. But Remus kept it together, he didn’t want to break down in front of his new classmates now did he. His own father didn’t make it to see Remus off, much to his mothers disappointment. He personally didn’t give a shit, because even though he was going to miss his mother so much it hurt to think about, he was more than ok with spending the next four months not having to look or speak to his father.
“Ok this is where I leave you darling.” looking at his mother again, he saw that her kind brown eyes had dampened slightly which stressed Remus out, if his mum cries he will cry and that just can’t happen. “It’s ok mum, I will write to you all the time and I'll only be gone for a few months,” he replied, trying his best to calm his mum down by adding as much enthusiasm as he could. Hope just smiled and dragged Remus into another one of her bone crushing hugs. Remus had grown again in the last month and he was now about the same height as his mother, although considering she's only about 5’6 it’s not that impressive. “I know, I know, I'm just going to miss you so much,” she whispered into his hair. Leaning back slightly she held Remus’s face in her hands and kissed his forehead gently. “I’m going to miss you too mum,” Remus responded with a small smile. Hugging him one last time she quickly broke away and started bustling him towards one of the carriage doors. “You better get in quickly before you miss the train.” So with one last smile and squeeze of Remus’s arm she let him go as he entered the train, trunk following closely behind him. A couple seconds later the sound of a whistle echoed throughout the platform signalling for the final stragglers to hurry up and get on board. Turning around Remus smiled and waved to his mother one last time before he moved out of the way and further into the train.
Sighing quietly Remus dragged his trunk with him through the train until he found an empty compartment to reside in. He ended up finding one towards the back, so after struggling with the door and moving his belongings into the room he finally relaxed against one of the seats. Now that he was alone and settled down Remus was able to pick up the pet carrier that was on top of his trunk. While in Diagon Alley his mother had decided to celebrate his acceptance to Hogwarts by allowing him to choose a pet. Remus suspected that it took quite a bit of convincing for his father to allow such a purchase to occur, but because he was unable to make it (no shock there) there was nothing he could do about it. So naturally Remus was over the moon and had demanded that they go to the pet shop right away. His mother had just laughed and told Remus to be patient and that they have to get his other supplies first. Now sitting on the train travelling to a new and unfamiliar place, he wasn’t doing it completely alone. lying on his lap, after he had taken her out of the carrier, was a fluffy black cat who he had instantly fallen in love with after watching her scratch the shit out of a child.
He was patting her softly and scratching behind her ears when the compartment door opened. A girl was standing at the entrance, she had long ginger hair and large green eyes. She gave Remus a quick smile before her attention landed on the cat on his lap. Instantly those green eyes lit up. “Oh aren't you just gorgeous!” the girl cooed towards her. “Why thank you.” Remus responded with a smirk. The girl let out a surprised laugh at that and looked up with a larger smile than before. “My name is Lily Evans,” she introduced, and then after a quick second, “I don’t think i’ve ever seen you before, you look a little old for first year,” Lily said, confusion written on her face. “Remus Lupin,” he responded before quietly freaking out.
Remus had been so worried about people finding out he’s a werewolf that he forgot to come up with a reason why he hadn’t started Hogwarts with everyone else. Thinking quickly he invented a lie as fast as his spectacular brain could before he started to look suspicious. “I was quite sick for the last few years so my parents thought it would be best to keep me at home until I got better.” Was the deception he came up with. It must have worked however, because the look of sympathy he received told Remus that Lily believed him. “I’m so sorry to hear that Remus, but at least you’re well enough to join us now,” She smiled kindly. Remus nodded and smiled back, thanking Merlin that he was able to come up with a lie in time. “Is it alright if I sit with you?” she asked shyly, like she was worried he would say no. “Yeah, of course, take a seat.” Remus gestured at the empty seats in front of him, moving his belongings out of the way. Smiling happily, Lily dragged her trunk into the compartment and relaxed across from Remus.
“And what is this beautiful cat’s name?” she asked leaning over to give her a scratch behind the ear. “Ah, Lily meet Miss Child Slayer the third,” Remus responds with a proud grin. “Miss what?!” Lily exclaimed with a shocked but amused look on her face. “You can call her Missy for short if you like.” Lily just laughed, shaking her head, leaning closer in order to pat Missy more thoroughly. “Well hello Missy it’s lovely to meet you,” she cooed smiling. It was at this moment that Remus realised that he liked Lily, she was bright and friendly and most importantly, loved his cat. He hoped that they would be able to be friends after this, deciding that school wouldn’t be so horrible with a friend like Lily by your side.
Remus had been talking to Lily for about thirty minutes, and after he asked her what house she was in (Gryffindor), they naturally had a long discussion about each of the four houses and what characteristics and traits they represent. He was just about to tell her that he had hoped to be in Gryffindor too when the compartment door opened once again. Standing on the other side were two boys who looked around Remus and Lily’s age (she told him that she was also in her fourth year, much to Remus’s delight). One of the boys had darker skin and messy brown hair with matching brown eyes hidden behind round glasses. The other had much lighter skin with dark black hair that was on the longer side with eyes that… oh his eyes, they were unlike Remus had ever seen before. You couldn’t call them blue, instead they were a dark grey, like clouds during a storm. Remus was still looking at them when the boy with the glasses stepped into the room.
“Evans! Fancy seeing you here, how was your summer?” he had run a hand through his hair as he asked this which made Remus roll his eyes, this boy really wasn’t subtle and he would probably bet 10 galleons that this meeting wasn’t a coincidence. Judging by the way that Lily had also rolled her eyes he had guessed right. “Potter, let me introduce you to Remus Lupin here, he’s a new fourth-year that is starting this term,” She announced, ignoring his question. The boy looked over at him now, raising his eyebrows in shock. He recovered quickly however and held out his hand with a lopsided smile. “James Potter.” Remus shook his hand with a small smile of his own and then turned to face the other boy who hadn’t left the entrance of the compartment. This boy, he had found, was looking at him with curiosity before composing himself and stepping forward to shake his hand as well. “Sirius Black,” He added whilst his long slender hand slipped into Remus’s larger one. Now this was interesting, Remus thought. He knew of the Black family, it was kind of hard not to, considering they are one of the oldest and most sacred wizarding families around. The unusual part however was that this Black seemed to be friends with a Potter, who he thought were ‘blood traitors’, the complete opposite of the Black family. Obviously Remus himself didn’t believe in any of this blood purity business, especially considering he was half blood but this was still surprising.
“I’ve never met someone who has started Hogwarts so late, why are you only joining us now?” Sirius continued, the curious look had come back. Letting go of his hand, Remus lent back on his seat and cleared his throat. “I was sick for a while but I've gotten better.” seemingly satisfied with this answer Sirius stepped back and nodded his head. “I’m sorry to hear that mate,” James offered with a sympathetic smile after taking a seat next to Lily. Realising that they probably weren’t leaving anytime soon Sirius sat down as well. “ It's alright, could be a lot worse,” Remus responded with a quick shrug, before looking at the boy next to him who was still observing Remus with unsubtle curiosity.
“I was just telling Remus all about Gryffindor to see if I could maybe jinx him into joining our house,” Lily revealed with a quick smile in Remus’s direction. James laughed at this, “Ah yes of course, we are the greatest house after all, I mean just look at our Quidditch team,” He added happily. “I’m guessing you play then?” Remus asked, he knew a bit about Quidditch from what his father had told him in the past but he had absolutely no interest in the sport whatsoever. “You could say that, the guy doesn’t shut up about it,” Sirius laughed, making Remus turn to look at him, his smile so contagious that he couldn’t help but smile back. “Oi you’re one to talk Black,” James retorted, rolling his eyes. “You can go on about being a beater for hours,” “Oh come off it you're both as bad as each other.” Now it was Lily’s turn to roll her eyes. “Remus if you join us in Gryffindor you're going to have to get used to this being the main conversation topic.” Remus just laughed at this, deciding that he could get over his lack of interest in sports if it meant being friends with these people.
All of the laughter and conversation within the compartment had awoken Missy from her nap and after she stretched and looked around she began her slow journey over towards Sirius. James glanced over from where he was still arguing with Lily and started to laugh. “Sirius, mate, what happened to your deep, unrelenting hatred towards cats?” Remus looked up at Sirius then and realised that the boy looked incredibly fucking uncomfortable now that his cat had chosen Sirus’s legs as her new nap location. “Shit sorry, I shouldn’t let her just sit on other people like that” Remus exclaimed, quickly moving to pick up his cat and feeling incredibly embarrassed. Here he was sitting with a nice group of people and he was already fucking up. “No, No it’s alright I probably should have said something, I’m sure it’s a very nice feline,” Sirius responded, clearing his throat awkwardly and attempting to pat Missy on the head. “Jesus christ Black you're pathetic, I’ll take her,” Lily added, rolling her eyes. So Remus passed his cat over to Lily where she and James cooed and pet her properly, after that he crossed his arms and sat in the awkward energy radiating from the boy next to him. “I’m really sorry I kind of forgot that some people don’t like cats,” Remus apoligised shifting slightly in his seat. “No, don't be sorry, it’s not even a rational dislike and I have no idea where it comes from. Plus you should see Peter that man is genuinely terrified of those things,” Sirius added quickly, leaning back to mirror Remus and turning his head to make eye contact with him.
“Where is Peter? He’s the only tolerable one out of you three,” Lily asked, looking up from where she was patting Missy. “He was busy snogging his girlfriend so we decided to give the fella a little space,” James responded with a snort. “How that man managed to get a girlfriend before us is still beyond me,” Sirius added, shaking his head slightly. “It’s not beyond me, compared to you two Peter's a catch,” Lily declared smirking over at Sirius. “Oi why are you being so rude to us Evans, we only ever treat you with the utmost respect,” Sirius replied with a pout that Lily just rolled her eyes at. “Remus you will soon learn that this innocent act these boys put on is a facade, you should see some of the shit these guys do.” Remus looked between James and Sirius with curiosity now and seeing that they both had matching grins. This intrigued Remus because as a homeschooled student he never had the opportunity to stray far from his studies or be involved in anything fun and mischievous. Now he had managed to meet two people who screamed trouble and Remus would be lying if he said it didn’t interest him.
At some point during the almost 9 hour train ride Remus had fallen asleep, his head resting against the windowsill, a window that was letting a gentle breeze flow through the compartment. Remus could feel himself enter a half-asleep state as he began to feel uneasy.
Close the window
It was a subtle feeling at first, uncomfortable, but not yet acknowledged by his subconscious.
Close the window
Close it now
Slowly Remus felt the unease seep through his mind; he could feel the way his body reacted to his distress, how he started to shift and twitch in his seat.
Close the window
CLOSE THE WINDOW
Remus suddenly jerked awake, his heart racing wildly as he quickly scanned his surroundings. His gaze landed on the window cracked open beside him, and he shot up to slam it shut. Breathing heavily, he looked around the compartment and met Lily’s confused and slightly worried gaze. “You alright Remus?” she asked gently whilst placing her book down next to her. “Yeah, sorry… yes i’m alright,” Remus replied still trying to get his breathing under control. After a couple of embarrassing minutes Remus finally had his shit together and tried very hard to come up with a valid reason as to why he freaked out like a lunatic. “Look I would try and explain myself but I think I'll end up sounding crazy no matter what I say,” he stated finally looking over to Lily who still seemed concerned but thankfully not scared or uncomfortable. She smiled softly before replying “try me.” “Um ok well sometimes I ah,” he cleared his throat and shifted slightly in his seat before continuing. “Sometimes I freak out when there are open windows, well any open entry really, when I’m sleeping. I guess I don’t like feeling unsafe or like an axe murderer will jump in and maim me or something,” he ended with a small smile, crossing his arms. Now this explanation wasn’t entirely true but he absolutely could not tell Lily the real reason he felt unsafe near open windows. “No I get that, I've definitely seen enough horror movies myself to understand where the anxiety comes from,” Lily laughed, finally relaxing again.
This led to a heated discussion as to why horror movies are the epitome of bad taste when it comes to cinematography and which out of James and Sirius would die first if placed in a zombie apocalypse, (Remus was convinced it would be Sirius whereas Lily was adamant it was James). “Where did they go?” Remus asked after he stopped laughing at Lily’s impression of James being attacked by a zombie. “Oh they left after Missy attempted to climb on Sirius again and you weren’t awake to save him,” she giggled while Remus groaned, putting his head in his hands. It was then that the compartment door opened again and two screaming girls entered the room making a beeline straight to Lily.
“Lily, you don’t understand how long it took us to find you!” one girl exclaimed. “Yeah because you decided it wasn’t worth searching these back compartments,” the other girl responded, shaking her blond hair out of her face. Lily laughed at this and gave both girls a hug. It was at this point that they realised Lily wasn’t alone. They both turned to Remus looking confused so he gave them a shy smile and waved. “Mary, Marlene, this is Remus, he’s going to be joining us in fourth year,” Lily introduced with a smile. The shorter one tilted her head and gave Remus a cheeky grin “ooh Lily you found a cute one” she commented making Remus blush and Lily laugh. The taller one just rolled her eyes and held out her hand. “I’m Marlene,” she said smiling, “ignore Mary she flirts with everyone,” and laughed as Mary wacked her in the arm. Marlene was beautiful with bright blue eyes and long blond hair, she had a sharp jawline and looked like she would be almost as tall as Remus. The other girl, Mary, was also beautiful but in a very different way. She was the shortest out of the group with dark brown ringlets framing her face and large brown eyes giving her almost deer-like features. Both girls sat down across from Remus and studied him closely, making him a little nervous.
“We were just discussing who out of James and Sirius would get eaten by a zombie first,” Lily revealed, breaking the somewhat intense silence. “Oooh it would definitely be James, that boy would probably sacrifice himself to save Sirius,” Mary responded while the other girls nodded their heads in agreement, “and then Sirius would die in an attempt to avenge James,” Marlene added. Lily just smirked at Remus as her two friends agreed with her. “What about Peter, I reckon that guy would be dead in three seconds,” Mary laughed before looking up and stroking her chin in contemplation. “Actually he’s pretty sneaky; he might be able to just hide and wait it out,” she finished thoughtfully before taking a strand of Marlene’s hair and braiding it.
“So you’ve had the honour of meeting Potter and Black have you?” Marlene asked, sounding amused. The three girls turned their attention back to Remus. “Yeah they were nice, I haven’t met Peter yet though,” “Peter is really sweet, I’m sure you will like him. The other two are bad influences on him though, always dragging him into their stupid pranks and ideas,” Mary commented, shaking her head but there was a small smile on her face. “Remember last year when they led a massive group of fairies into the castle that went around terrorising everyone,” she added while the other two girls let out matching groans. “Gods that was awful, I think I still have a scar or two from that experience,” Lily commented, looking annoyed. “I didn’t talk to them for weeks afterwards,” Mary and Marlene gave each other knowing smirks after this. “Oh we know, James was insufferable when you wouldn’t pay any attention to him,” Mary giggled and Remus looked over at a blushing Lily and smirked. “I knew he had a thing for you, it was so obvious the minute he walked in here pretending it was a coincidence.” This made the other two girls laugh harder while Lily just glared at everyone. “I am fully aware of Potter’s feelings for me but he needs to get over it because I would rather be a nun than get with that insufferable child.” Remus just laughed along with the girls while Mary and Marlene continued to tease Lily.
They talked and laughed for the rest of the journey as the others told Remus everything they could about Hogwarts, the professors and each of the classes. They ate food when the trolley lady rolled past and the two new girls met Missy and instantly fell in love with her the same way Lily did. When the train finally stopped Remus was feeling much better about this new experience, the excitement of making friends was almost enough to dampen the intense anxiety he was feeling towards the sorting ceremony… almost.