Sirius sat alone in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place. He was waiting for Remus, who he knew would come home today. Still, he was giddy, wondering exactly what time his lover would show up at his doorstep. He had waited all day.
He wondered if this night may be the night. They had not had sex since their reunion, and though it had only been two months, it felt like forever. It felt strange, since Sirius had never had any trouble with being the one to take the initiative, and neither had Remus. Now, he felt insecure. It was still hard for him to believe that Remus wanted him. Surely there was some kind of beauty in their shy attempts to seek contact, as if they were still seventeen, but Sirius was beginning to feel sick of his own insecurity.
He didn’t even kiss Remus good night when they went to bed together. He was afraid that a kiss would lead to something more, something he wasn’t ready for. After all, they had always taken kissing very seriously. Remus had once admitted that to him, kissing was really just another form of sex. Sirius had laughed and thrown a pillow at him, but he had totally agreed. They had never been able to kiss like the married couples in those muggle soap operas. A peck on the cheek and a “goodbye honey” was nothing for them. It had always been all or nothing.
Sometimes he wished that Remus could just push him up against the nearest wall and fuck him, as if they still were two teenage boys. It had worked out just fine when they both had been all confident and seductive, but things had changed. Now they were both too shy to take it any further. What if he found himself in a situation he couldn’t handle? He didn’t want things to get awkward, and he didn’t want to lead Remus on. He had made clear to Remus that he wasn’t ready that first morning they had spent together, and Remus respected his boundaries.
The thought of having sex for the first time after fourteen years scared him. He didn’t even know if he could do it anymore. The dementors had drained him of every happy feeling, and it had been impossible for him to recall the taste of Remus’s lips, or the sensation of naked skin under his hands. The memories had returned to him after his escape, but he had been starving constantly for over a decade.
It would be no wonder if his body didn’t function properly, and he was no longer familiar with its needs and sensations. He wasn’t 20 anymore. He was 34, going on 35. He told himself that it wasn’t strange that he no longer got hard just from holding Remus’ hand. But it was difficult to accept. He felt as if his memories and his body weren’t his own, as if his life had been lived by somebody else, a long time ago. It was hard, trying to fit it all together again.
He knew that Remus would wait forever if he had to. Sometimes Sirius feared that it wasn’t out of patience and nobility. Maybe he wasn’t that attracted to him anymore. It was really a wonder that Remus had kissed him that night he had turned up on his doorstep, not looking much better than a corpse.
Now, when he looked into a mirror, he could see that the difference was startling, but his body was still far from perfect. He would always be a marked man. He may be a free man, but Azkaban had left its imprint both on his mind and on his body. The prisoner tattoos were still there on his chest, constantly telling a story of pain and humiliation. The pride that he had once felt for his own body had been tainted.
He couldn’t forget, and it was as if he still belonged to those who had hurt him, as if they had taken a part of him. He didn’t want Remus to look at the tattoos again. He didn’t want to see his own pain reflecting in the other man’s eyes. And that was what he was really afraid of – to expose himself to Remus, to stand naked before him and give himself over completely. And at the same time, there was nothing he needed more than that.
Just after the clock had turned eight, he could hear someone make their way through the hallway. The portrait of his mother was silent. Then Remus came into the kitchen.
“Hello, Sirius.”
Sirius couldn’t keep himself from smiling, and after all, why would he? He went up to Remus and pulled him into a rough embrace.
“Missed you” he whispered into his lover’s ear.
Then he closed his eyes and brushed his lips against Remus’s cheek until the other man turned his head and kissed him. Sirius savoured the sensation and pulled Remus closer. Such searing kisses were rare these days. They were hardly ever alone in the house together, and Sirius was no longer the confident schoolboy who could drag Remus into an empty room to ravish him.
“I’m afraid I’m not staying very long” Remus said when they parted. “I’m leaving again. Tomorrow.”
Sirius turned away and stared at the wall, unable to hide his disappointment. So, Remus was leaving again. There was nothing to be done about that. Everyone else had already left. Harry had gone back to Hogwarts. Sirius was unwilling to admit to himself that he had almost hoped that the boy would be expelled so that he could stay here with him. After all, they hardly knew each other. He wanted to make up for his absence in Harry’s life, but he knew that it was a selfish thought. The best thing he could do as a godfather was to send Harry off to Hogwarts. And that was what he had done.
Molly had been right, in a way. Sometimes he felt as if he had his best friend back. He had been alone for so many years, and he didn’t want to be alone anymore. Only a couple of days ago the house had been full of people. Now it was dark and empty again, the silence only broken by the screams from his mother’s portrait and Kreacher’s murmuring.
“Sirius…” Remus went up behind him and wrapped his arms around him. “I have to do this.”
“I know” Sirius whispered. “It’s just…”
“That you want to go with me?”
Sirius didn’t need to answer. They had been through this before. There was a war going on, and Sirius would never question that Remus had to do everything he could for the Order. Sacrifices had to me made. They had both accepted that without questions when it all had started over a decade ago. But it was different this time. What Sirius couldn’t accept was that he was left behind, that he had to stay at home while Remus went out there to risk his life. There was no pride in that.
Remus was leaning his head against his shoulder. Sirius turned around and met his gaze, took in the sight of his lover’s bright hazel eyes.
“How about dinner?” Remus said. “Something special, and a bottle of wine…”
“And no house-elf” Sirius said with a smile. “That sounds wonderful.”
*
The fire had almost burned out, and the light from the candles played over Remus’s tired, yet handsome face, and the empty wine bottle. They had both drunk two glasses each. Sirius felt warm and calm inside, now that the sweet poison was running through his veins. His worries had been put to rest. What did it matter that Remus was going away the next day? He was here now, and that was all that mattered.
This was Remus. His Remus. The man who had embraced him in the Shrieking Shack one year ago, who had given his heart away again as Sirius had shown up on his doorstep, in spite of all the pain that Sirius had caused him.
Maybe this was the night he had been waiting for. They had so little time together these days. He never knew how long Remus was going to stay. Sometimes he just stayed one night before he had to leave again, going off on another mission.
Many times, he had thought that maybe tomorrow would hold the right moment. Always tomorrow. But all they had was tonight. That was all he knew. They had no time to lose. He didn’t have to wait for the perfect moment. If they just did it, the moment would be perfect, wouldn’t it? And there was only one way to find out if he was ready.
“I think I’m going to have a bath” he said. “Do you want to make me company?”
He was surprised by how easy it was to ask this question, even though his heart was beating faster.
“Of course. You can go and fill up the tub, and I’ll join you when I’ve done the dishes.”
“OK.”
Sirius went upstairs, smiling to himself. He felt how his heart beat faster at the thought of their naked bodies together in the tub. He filled the tub with water with a simple spell, and then he undressed and climbed into the tub. He gave a content sigh and leaned back against the porcelain. The wine and the candles had made him feel calm and peaceful. He closed his eyes and sighed with contentment.
He let his hand wander down his body, imagining that it was Remus who touched him. He wrapped his hand around his cock, gently stroking it until he was hard. Then suddenly, he heard footsteps outside, and he quickly pulled his hand away and let it rest on the edge of the tub. He closed his eyes, and he heard the door open. His heart beat hard in his chest as Remus approached him.
“Sirius?”
Sirius opened his eyes and smiled at Remus. He kept his gaze fixed on the other man as he took off his robe and stepped into the tub. He supposed that it made Remus nervous, but he didn’t care. He needed Remus to know that he was wanted.
Remus stepped into the tub and sat down at the other end of it, face to face to Sirius.
“This is nice” he said.
“Yeah…”
“Can I wash your hair?”
“Sure” Sirius answered.
He reached for a bottle of shampoo and handed it to Remus.
Remus poured some shampoo into his hand, and then he put it in Sirius’s hair and started massaging his scalp. It felt so incredibly good, this simple touch. He imagined Remus’s hands continuing further down his neck, massaging his shoulders and his back.
When Remus had rinsed Sirius’s hair, Sirius washed Remus’s hair in return. Then they just sat there, enjoying the feeling of the hot water, until it turned tepid.
“I think it’s time to get up” Sirius said.
“Yeah.”
Sirius got up first, and he reached out and took hold of Remus’s hand that was resting on the edge of the tub.
“Come…” he whispered, barely breathing.
Oh, his voice was so soft, so inviting. His stormy grey eyes bore into the other man’s, and Remus knew that he could never deny him anything.
Sirius stepped back, and they put on their bath robes. Then Sirius took Remus’s hand again.
“Come…” he whispered once again, but this time his whisper was more confident, more filled with lust. Remus didn’t hesitate, but let Sirius lead him to the bedroom. He couldn’t wait to feel Sirius’ naked body under his hands again. All he wanted to do was to undress him right there and then, but he knew that Sirius had to feel that he was in control of the situation.
“Take off your robe…” Sirius murmured.
Remus reached for the fastening of his robe and undid it, and then he pulled the robe off. He felt extremely self-conscious, but also incredibly aroused. Sirius kissed him, revealing all his desire.
“Take off mine…” he murmured.
He didn’t need to ask again. Remus was more than willing to obey his wish. He was surprised that his hand didn’t tremble as he reached out to undo the belt of Sirius’s robe. He held his breath as it slipped apart, exposing Sirius’s naked body. Slowly, he pulled the robe over Sirius’s shoulders and let it fall to the floor.
For a moment, he could to nothing but stare at his lover’s naked body. His raven black hair was wet, and his grey eyes were stormy and wild. The warm light of the fire played over his pale skin, and his rapidly heaving chest was glistening with drops of water. His whole body seemed to be vibrating with life and strength.
“You’re so beautiful…” Remus whispered.
“You too” Sirius said.
No one had ever called Remus beautiful, except for Sirius. He wondered how he could ever have been so lucky as to find this man, who had become his best friend, as well as the love of his life.
Sirius pulled him close and kissed him, and Remus let his hands get lost in Sirius’s dark hair. He could feel the other man’s half hard cock against his thigh. He smiled into his lover’s mouth and felt how his heart began to beat faster with anticipation. He felt Sirius’s firm hands on his back, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss ever more.
Remus felt arousal coming, trying to fight it back not to alarm Sirius. But Sirius moaned with pleasure as he felt the hardness against him. His lips were so soft and gentle, as always, but his body pressed firmly against Remus, leaving no doubt about what he wanted.
“Bed?” Sirius asked.
“Yes” Remus answered.
Sirius took Remus’s hand and took a step back towards the bed. Slowly, he lay down, pulling Remus down beside him. He smiled with delight as Remus ran his hand down his naked body. His touch was so gentle, yet wanting. As Sirius felt his lover’s heavy breath against his neck, he moaned and tilted his head back, more than willing to expose his neck in a gesture of trust and submission.
He moaned again as he felt Remus’s lips and tongue against his flesh. He realised that Remus was kissing the spot where his prisoner number had been tattooed into his skin. It felt as if he was being healed. He couldn’t care less about the tattoos, not when he was moaning in pleasure with Remus’s lips on his body. He continued to trace the rest of the tattoos with kisses just as Sirius had traced his scars so many times before.
And then he felt Remus’s hand wrapping around his cock, slightly hesitating at first, but soon he started to pump it with fierce determination.
“Oh, yes…”
Sirius felt how his mind was filled with nothing but love and lust. He gave in completely and thrusted hard into Remus’s hand, moaning in helpless pleasure. But all too soon it was over, and he was left unsatisfied. Remus smiled at him as he opened his eyes.
Sirius’s cock was so hard now that it was painful, but he wanted it slow this time. He wanted to drag it out until none of them could take it anymore, until they were ready to beg for satisfaction. Remus leaned down to kiss Sirius’s belly, and then he suddenly felt Remus’s lips against his inner thigh, and he cried out with pleasure.
“Yes, Remus… Please…”
All thoughts were gone from his head. All he wanted was for Remus to touch him, to take his cock into his mouth. And he was not disappointed. Remus leaned in to claim his cock with his mouth, and Sirius cried out as he felt the glorious warmth around his hard cock. Remus smiled as he felt his lover’s cock quiver in his mouth. Sirius started to thrust into Remus’ mouth, moaning helplessly and clasping at the bedsheets with one hand as he gently caressed Remus’s hair with the other. But as he felt that he would soon reach climax, he hesitated. He wanted more than this. He wanted to go all the way.
“Wait… I’m gonna come.”
Remus came up to lay down beside Sirius.
“What do you want?” Sirius asked.
“I want to you to fuck me” Remus answered.
“As you wish…” Sirius whispered. “But first, I’m gonna suck your cock.”
Remus smiled, a shiver going through his body at the sound of Sirius’s deep, husky voice. He lay down on his back, and Sirius lay down beside him. Remus moaned as Sirius began kissing his way down his body, and then he took his cock into his mouth. Remus cried out, bucking his hips. He grabbed a fistful of Sirius hair and held steady, bracing himself against the pleasure.
“You like that?” he gasped.
Sirius could only moan in response.
“Do you like it when I fuck your mouth?”
Sirius moaned again.
Remus gently touched Sirius shoulder and murmured:
“Wait…”
Sirius stopped sucking and smiled at Remus.
“I love it when you talk dirty to me.”
Remus smiled.
“Enough talk. Please, fuck me.”
“Yes…” Sirius moaned. He knew that he was the only one who had ever seen Remus like this, the only one who could do this to him. It only added fuel to his desire.
Remus reached for the drawer in the nightstand and took out the lube.
“I see someone is prepared” Sirius said and smiled.
“Yeah… You know I’m quite the boy scout.”
“No, you’re a wanton bastard” Sirius said and laughed.
“I was hoping this would happen.”
“So did I.”
He took the lube from Remus and gently prepared him.
“Please… Sirius, fuck me.”
“God Remus, you’re so sexy when you beg…”
Without any more delay, he placed himself between Remus’ legs and gently pushed inside him until he was completely sheated inside him.
“You all right?”
“Yeah…”
Sirius pulled out slowly, and then he thrusted back in again.
“Please… Faster.”
As Sirius started to fuck him, Remus tilted back his head and closed his eyes, arching his hips to meet Sirius’ thrusts. He could feel his lover’s wet hair against his chest, and he reached up his hands to bury his fingers in it. Sirius’ hand wrapped around his cock, pumping it to match the rhythm of his thrusts. Remus reached down and put his hands on Sirius’ hips, wanting to be as close as possible. He couldn’t hold out much longer. With a fulfilled cry, he came. That was enough to push Sirius over the edge as well. With a guttural moan, mingled with tears, he came and spilled his seed deep within his lover.
He pulled out of Remus and lay down beside him, resting his head on his chest. Remus gently stroked his soft, black hair and felt tears well up in his eyes as well. But there was no need to hide anything from Sirius. They were one.
“I really needed that” Remus finally said.
“Me too. I’m sorry I kept you waiting for so long.”
“Don’t worry about it. I would have waited forever if I had to. You know I would never dream of pressuring you.”
“I know..”
“I had almost forgotten how good that felt” Remus said. “How good you felt.”
“Me too” whispered Sirius.
Remus knew all too well what he meant. The dementors had robbed every happy memory from Sirius, but now he remembered it all. Not only his mind, but also his body.
“You want dessert?” Remus asked.
“I thought we already had it."
Remus laughed.
“I was thinking more like ice cream” he said.
“Sounds good. Let’s just lay here for a while longer."
And they did.