Apricity

Apricity

apricity (n.): the warmth of the sun in winter

December 1, 1977

Winter air pierces Remus’ face as he raises his cigarette to his lips. The sunset stains the sky a soft purple and pink, and snow crunches beneath his shoes.

“We could always go for a bender,” he says.
“Bloody hell Moony,” says James. After a beat, he adds, shaking his head, “right, could do for one really…”
“Why don’t we just hole up in a cabin somewhere? Get piss drunk?”
“But where?” Peter asks.
“Dad’s got a place outside Weybridge, don’t think it’s been used since I was born. Reg told me about it, been in the family for years,” says Sirius.

Sirius. He’s been… on Remus’ mind. Ever since Sirius’ birthday at the beginning of the month, Remus has been cautiously avoiding being alone with him, but not entirely. He doesn’t want Sirius to think he’s done anything wrong, Remus just can't seem to act normal around him. It's bothersome.

“You like girls, right Moony?” Sirius had asked, drunkenly.
“Well I- I don’t know. I guess so? Why are you asking me that?”
Remus had had a few drinks, but he was nowhere near as fucked up as Sirius, and this conversation could have gone multiple ways. Despite the bit of liquid courage, Remus Lupin had never been so scared in his life.

Sirius didn’t answer.

“Sirius?”
“I don’t know if I just like girls, you know? Like I like.. Everyone? Maybe?”
“Okay,” Remus had said, carefully. “So you like everyone.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t. I wouldn’t.”
“I know. I don’t know how to tell James.”
“Same as you told me. He’ll get it. He loves love.”
Sirius had chuckled, and it had warmed Remus’ heart.

The cold had returned before he went to sleep that night.

Remus has known he was into boys since fourth year. It didn’t come as much of a shock, seeing as he spent all of third year wondering why everyone cared about girls so much. He had made a friend at the boys’ home over the summer and they got… close. Though nothing had truly happened, and they had never talked about it, Remus had realized his situation the day after he met the boy.

Remus nearly lost his damn mind after Sirius’ birthday. He soon came to realize he was suppressing a lot to save himself the pain. The pain from the fact that Sirius could never be interested in a boy. The pain remained, only the source having changed.

Sirius could never be interested in Remus.

Sirius has brought around girlfriend after girlfriend, but he never even seemed too into them. It’s like watching someone act on a film set, seeing Sirius around the girls he dates. He forgets his girlfriends’ birthdays, and their planned trips to Hogsmeade to make up for it, and their anniversaries.

Sirius has never forgotten Remus’ birthday. Different, he thinks, brushing off the thought and returning to his surroundings. The others have been arguing about Christmas plans for a bit now.

Snow begins to fall.

“No! White wine is simply superior,” James insists, throwing his hands up.
“But James,” Sirius whines, “it’s Christmas. It’s supposed to be red. Red is a much more Christmasy color, plus it’s Gryffindor!” he adds, looking pleased as if that last part wasn’t originally going to be included in his argument.
“Fucking hell, we can get both,” Peter grumbles.
“Yeah, white and red, like candy canes. Still Christmas,” James says, quieting the group.

They walk toward the castle in the snow as the sun sets, flakes delicately placed about Sirius’ hair. James, Peter, and Remus wear hats, but Sirius claims a hat will ruin his hair more than the snow will. Fair enough, Remus thinks. He likes Sirius’ hair. A normal amount.

Sirius’ dark eyes flit to Remus’. Like the night sky. Remus cherishes his friend’s soft smile before looking away in retreat. Something about Sirius has a power over him that no one else has.

It’s a shame Sirius would never want to use that power, not in the way Remus wants.

===

December 5, 1977

“Moony,” Sirius whispers from outside Remus’ bed curtain.
“Yeah?” It’s late. Remus, who’s just been startled out of sleep, suppresses the urge to tell him off.
“Can I come sit?”
Remus reaches his arm out behind him to feel for the curtain and pull it aside, not bothering to face Sirius. He expected the bed to shake a bit from his friend’s leisurely plopping on it, but instead he peeks over to see that Sirius had quietly crawled on the corner of the bed, legs crossed. His face is hard to read in the dark, but Remus can see it’s calm, and slightly eager. Like he’s waiting for a cue to unload information onto Remus. Remus puts his head back on his pillow.

“Well?” Remus mumbles.
“Okay so,” Sirius whispers, “Wait.” He casts a silencing charm. “So. The full moon lands on Christmas this year,” he says with a normal volume this time.
“Right.”
“So which would be better? Celebrating before or after the moon?”
“I don’t know, did you come over here to play would you rather, Sirius? It’s probably fucking three in the morning!”

Remus knows why Sirius is asking. He doesn’t care. He’s so tired and has just been reminded of the size of the burden his lycanthropy is. For everyone.

“Well, obviously we aren’t doing Christmas without you. Now that you mention it, let’s play. Would you rather celebrate before or after? I need to know so I can figure out how to hide this excursion from my wretched family while also using their money to buy all the food and drinks for it.”
“Does everyone know this is happening? It’s a bit of a complication to just move Christmas.”
“Oh, Moony, it's nothing so serious. Like, we’re just gonna hang around at the house and get drunk for a week regardless, it hardly matters which day we open presents and have a big dinner. We’ll still be together on Christmas day, just.. We’ll leave time for you to rest so we can do things as a family.”

Remus knows he’s right. But it feels…presumptuous? Even though it wasn’t even his idea.

“After. Go to bed, Pads.”
“Okay. Goodnight Remus.”

Remus wants to look at him. So bad. But he’s afraid of the way Sirius’ face would make him feel. His face…

Remus hears the soft sound of his bed curtains sliding shut.

===

December 16, 1977

Regulus doesn’t like Christmas. It reminds him of home. The sounds of Sirius’ cries, or the feeling of his own. Cold eyes, hard floors, dark walls. Though, since living with James, Regulus finds himself slowly becoming more... optimistic. Just a tiny bit. Like maybe he will change. Maybe he can find some happiness in all this Christmas shit. Maybe it can be fun.

Not bloody likely.

Regulus needs to talk to Sirius. Every day, knowing Sirius is a new experience. Some days they fight, or don’t talk, but other days they spend quality time together. Get along. Sirius is cool, mostly. He gives Regulus things, like hair products or cigarettes. What should he get Sirius for Christmas? A record, maybe.

He spots his brother and his friends chatting over breakfast in the great hall.

The first one to notice Regulus standing over them is James. Regulus holds his gaze, just looking. James is really quite handsome. So is Remus. And…actually, yeah. Peter too. They await Sirius’ reaction.

“...and we never went over that in class! What a wanker. But the craziest part to me is, it wasn’t even in the reading. Moony said--” Sirius glances to the side, perhaps to see what his friends are looking at, catching Regulus in the corner of his eye. He whips around in a dramatic double take.
“Holy shit, Reg!”
“Hello.”
“You’re so sneaky. And you never come over here…”
“I’ll go. Okay? For Christmas.”

Sirius’ eyes light up.

“Really?! Great! We can have the whole family together now. Well, except your parents, Prongs. But we’ll do Christmas with them after the new year!”

Sirius was very unhappy when he put together that spending Christmas with his friends away from home meant they would be missing it at the Potters’. Sirius and Regulus spent the best Christmases of their lives there. Not much of a question when the contenders are either getting tortured or being treated like a national treasure in a warm home, Regulus thinks. Apparently, Sirius and his friends resolved to stay at the Potters’ after the holidays, for a second Christmas, to make up for it. Regulus supposes he will be there, too. He does live there, after all. Sirius says James’ parents had urged them to go on their holiday, it’s their last year at Hogwarts. Regulus presumes they don’t know the precise details on the circumstances of their outing.

“Will I have my own room?” Regulus asks, struggling to hide his hopeful tone.
“We have four bedrooms to work with, plus I’m sure the living room floor sleeps about twenty-five, especially adding in all of the random sitting rooms these big houses have. If having your own room is what it takes, we’ll make it work.”
“Yeah, we can figure it out!” James adds. “Pads and I can share, Moony and Peter.. Well I don’t know. You could share too and then…”
“Who all is coming to this house?” Regulus asks, a bit suspiciously.
“Well, just the girls. Lily, Mary, Marlene. And you could bring some friends too, Reg. Just keep in mind the limited bed situation.” says James, with a smile.
“James, I already have a considerable amount of delinquents coming to secretly stay in my dad’s holiday home. Reg’s friends would leave the place in shambles. I mean,” Sirius scoffs, “have you met Barty?”
“Unused holiday home,” James points out.
“I’m bringing Pandora. She can sleep with me. And if Barty wants to come, he’ll be there.” Regulus says plainly.
“What the fuck does that mean?” Sirius asks, a horrified look on his face.
Regulus shrugs and walks away.

Though he’s not good at it, Barty likes to sneak around. So does Regulus, but he’s an animagus. That’s easy. Barty wants to become one too, but Regulus doesn’t think he could successfully keep a leaf in his mouth for a month. That would mean a whole month with added complications to.. several things Barty loves.

Regulus knows everyone’s a little scared of Barty. Regulus finds it amusing to lean into this, threaten his brother and his friends a bit. Hopefully, Barty does figure out where they’re staying and show up.

“Regulus.”

He turns, startled when he recognizes the voice. James.

“Regulus,” he says again. He sounds almost.. Breathless? What the fuck?
“Yes?”
“I was just wondering if-- well. I need to get some shopping done, you know, for Remus and Sirius. I already bought something for Peter, and, but I- I don’t want to go shopping with him. He’s whiny and always wants to leave the store before I’ve even really looked at anything. I mean, honestly! Sorry- um.”
“James.”
“Yeah?” He looks at Regulus with eyes like a puppy. Regulus hates it.
“Do you want to go shopping in Hogsmeade with me?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Tomorrow. Noon.”

Regulus turns and walks away. Why does his body feel like he’s trying to outrun a large animal or something? He wants to look back and steal another glance. Obviously, he would never do that.

===

December 17, 1977

Sirius feels like he’s going to lose his mind.

Why does Moony have to be so… ugh? Like that. He moves with such grace, and speaks with a lethal combination of kindness and conviction. It’s arresting.

Sirius’ new revelation about his romantic interests is not helping. Remus has always been something separate, an exception. Sirius has never thought about him in the same way he thinks about his girlfriends. In fact, he could never have with a girl what he wants with Moony.

…

Wait.

Sirius needs a smoke.

===

Sirius is only a little surprised when he looks over to find Remus standing in the doorway to the astronomy tower. Sirius is smoking a cigarette, legs dangling off the edge of the balcony. It’s a crisp weekend morning, overcast, snow on the trees. Winter is beautiful, Sirius thinks. He wishes it could snow in warm weather.

Remus sits down next to him. Sirius passes him the cigarette, and they smoke in silence for a bit. Sirius finds Remus so comforting. He could sit up here with him forever.

They’re on their third cigarette, now.

“I don’t like girls, you know,” Remus says, eventually. What?
“What? But you said..”
“I know.”
Sirius looks at Remus expectantly. Remus exhales smoke into the wind.

“Just the way you said it, you know, like I thought it would catch you off guard or freak you out if I told you the truth. Plus you were piss drunk. Thought it better to talk about it another time.”
“And now is the time?”
“If you want.”
“Okay. Yeah.”
“So, I just felt like I should tell you. Wasn’t fair of me to lie.”
“I’m not entitled to any part of you, Remus. It’s okay.”

They’re silent again. For longer this time.

“I don’t think I like girls either,” Sirius says softly.
“Okay.”

===

Moony doesn’t like girls. Moony doesn’t like girls. Moony doesn’t like girls. Moony doesn’t--

===

December 17, 1977

James has to cancel his mid-day Saturday quidditch practice so he can go shopping with Regulus, but he, oddly, isn’t too bothered. If that’s what it takes, James thinks.

James never cancels practice. The others will think he’s dying of fever or something. He expects them to assume he’s in the infirmary and then they’ll check the map… Ah, well. How could he refuse Regulus? He just… decided on their plans and left. James knows asking him to Hogsmeade was his own idea first, and that Regulus shamelessly stole it before James could get out a coherent sentence. He doesn’t mind much, though. He’s very curious about Regulus, and feels compelled to take any opportunity from him he can get. James’ parents took in Regulus the same night as Sirius, but Regulus has mostly avoided him. Doesn’t talk to him or Sirius’ friends much at all, except Remus sometimes.

It’s not like this outing is a big deal. James just doesn’t want to shop alone, is all. And going against Regulus is dangerous.

===

James waits at the castle entrance, bundled in his coat, scarf, hat, and gloves. James doesn’t know him that well, but he knows Regulus is a man of his word. He won’t be late. In fact, he’ll likely be right on time.

As expected, James’ watch reads 11:59 when Regulus emerges from the door. He has on a rather thin black jacket over his shirt. No hat, either. Perhaps obsession with hair is a Black family trait. He’s always vaguely vampiric, but today he also looks radiant. Fresh. So beautiful.

Both Black brothers are beautiful, but in different ways. Sirius has a more godly look, where Regulus is like an angel of death. Their faces share a perfect balance of softness and severity. Still, something about Regulus, especially, feels more than human. James is convinced he has some sort of innate power that pulls in unsuspecting victims. Like a siren. Regulus is like a siren.

“You look warm,” Regulus says.

James always bundles up when it’s cold out. He doesn’t know if he has ever even seen Regulus wear a winter coat before. So classy.

“You don’t,” replies James.
“Let’s go.”

===

Regulus can’t figure James out. He’s everything Regulus could never be. So why does he want to spend time together?

Well, it isn’t unheard of. James invites Regulus to practice quidditch with Sirius and Marlene sometimes, but it’s very rare and he’s always casual about it. James was acting like this is some big deal. He seemed nervous. Regulus thinks James never seems nervous.

James is hunched over, looking carefully at the jewelry section. Really, James is… so handsome.

Regulus isn’t sure what James plans to get for Remus. He says he wants to get some rings and earrings for Sirius. Of course Sirius has pierced ears. Regulus wonders who did the piercings for him. Would Regulus look good with an earring? Just one.

Regulus is casually rummaging through a basket of pins on a shelf a bit of a distance from James. He spots a David Bowie pin. Remus loves Bowie, Regulus recalls. He slips it in his pocket.

Regulus plans to pick out a record for Sirius, and he already got Dorcas a dagger and Pandora a pretty rock he found on a walk and some fancy yarn he knows she wants. He can’t decide what to get for Barty and Evan. Regulus considers something drastic. He could get them a dog to share. He stifles a laugh as he searches for James again in the accessories shop. James has moved along the counter, now looking at the necklaces.

“Does my brother wear necklaces now, too?” Regulus asks, approaching.
“Ah, no-- well, maybe actually. But I wanted one myself. I could pull it off, yeah?”
Yes. “No.”
James smiles.
“When you’re done here, what do you think about a little excursion? I need to go to London,” Regulus asks. He thinks he’s being a bit bold. He has been recently. Taking control of his life more. It feels good.
“London? How do you plan on getting there?”
“I can apparate us out there. Didn’t you learn?”
“Bloody hell, Reg! You can apparate? Since when? Why didn’t you tell me?”

It’s not like they’re best friends. Why would Regulus tell him that?

Regulus shrugs.

“What do you think?”
“Yes, yeah. Sure, we could go. Why do you need to go to London?”
“I need to buy a gift.”
“A gift? For who?”
“Why does that concern you?”
“I guess it doesn’t.”

Uncharacteristically, Regulus regrets his harsh tone.

“For Sirius. A record.”
“You’re getting him a Christmas gift? Oh, Reg, he’s going to just die!”
“If you so much as hint at it to him, I’m blowing up the holiday home with you all in it.”
“Okay, okay, promise I won’t.”

Regulus gives him a look.

“Are you still looking at necklaces, or shall we go?”
“I need to buy these first,” James says, uncurling his fingers to display two silver rings with intricate engravings embellishing them. “Then we’ll go. I promise I won’t tell.”

James offers a pinky. What a child. Regulus scowls at him before accepting it.

===

The London air sweeps Regulus’ hair across his face, somehow still framing it perfectly. Afternoon sky illuminates him. Like a painting, James thinks. He wonders if his friends have ever seen him this way.

James had a crush on Lily for like, 5 years. Recently, though, he got over her and he doesn’t feel much attraction to anyone in particular. He just wants to get passing grades in his classes and spend time with the people he loves. His family. And, of course, James Potter wants to play quidditch. All the time. He loves playing with Regulus. He’s so quick, so sure. The best seeker he’s ever seen.

There’s just something about Regulus.

James doesn’t know. The adrenaline rush? Regulus certainly has the capacity to be scary. The mysteriousness? Sneakiness? Rudeness? Beauty? Striking features? James just doesn’t know. He’s glad to have Sirius as a reason to be around Regulus. James doesn’t think Regulus would bother being near him at all if it weren’t for Sirius. Right? Regulus trusts Sirius’ opinion over anyone else’s, though he would never admit it, and James is Sirius’ best friend. Well, besides Remus.

London makes James feel festive. Snow caps the lawns, a few cars, and the roofs. Decorations are strung about high and low. Icy air bites at James’ face, making his eyes water just a bit under his glasses.

“So, you have a shop in mind?”
“Yes. A music shop.”
“You’ve been? Has Sirius?”
“We went together. Couple months ago, after I learned to apparate. Landed much further than this last time.”
“Really? I don’t remember that.”
“I’d not expect him to share every time he’s with me. I don’t exactly have a good reputation.”
“Well, we all like you, so I don’t see why he wouldn’t.”
Regulus lets out a sharp exhale. He wants a cigarette.
“Do you think a shopkeeper would sell you cigarettes?”
“Well… yeah. Probably. D’you want some?”

Uncharacteristically, Regulus smiles at him, just a little.

“If you want.”
“I’ll go while you shop for Sirius. Pick something for me, yeah?” James smirks a bit.
“What do you like?”
“Whatever you like.”

Regulus gives him another look.

“What? It’s Christmas. I don't want to know what it’s gonna be.”
“Look, can we just agree to not get each other gifts this year? You won’t like what I like.”
“Reg, relax. I was only joking. You don’t need to get me a present.”

A look.

“Let’s go,” James says.

Regulus can be cold. But James is warmer than he is cold, and when they come together, their confluence is always warm.

===

Regulus knows exactly which T. Rex albums he is not going to get for Sirius, which is enough information for this endeavour, he thinks. He used his animagus form, a black cat, to wander in behind Peter into the Gryffindor dorm, when Regulus was sure the others were elsewhere. Somehow, his brother’s dense friend didn’t notice him as he rummaged around under Sirius’ bed, and then Remus’, just to be sure he saw all of his records, and sneak back out the door. Regulus also knows Sirius wouldn’t leave any of his records at the Potters’. He listens to them too much.

Looking at the selection in the shop, it seems he’s not the only one buying T. Rex albums. This place was not so picked over last time. Futuristic Dragon it is. Regulus supposes he likes that one. Pandora likes T. Rex. Regulus could never deny her a thing, so he’s listened to her music a fair amount. Of course, she has great taste, Regulus thinks.

Regulus thanks the shopkeeper, and opens the door to find James standing right outside it, grinning with his whole face. His cheeks are flushed from the cold, and water droplets cling to his glasses from the snow. Fit. He is so fit.

Regulus’ eyes move downward toward James’ hands. He’s holding a carton of cigarettes, along with a black coat. It looks thick. Wind slashes through Regulus’ body, sending his teeth and limbs shivering. He hasn’t yet casted another warming charm on himself. Regulus would quite like to put that coat on.

“For Christmas,” James says, holding up the coat, more smug than Regulus has ever seen him.

===