it can always get worse
Remus wasn’t sure how long they sat on the bathroom floor. It felt like a long time, sitting on the cold, sticky tile, wearing James’s flannel pajama pants and his thin, flimsy undershirt. He felt exposed, goosebumps prickling on his bare arms in the drafty bathroom air. He never wore short sleeves.
He pushed down the discomfort. Whatever he was feeling, Sirius definitely had it worse.
He seemed to have calmed down now, at least. He was still curled against Remus, head against his chest, practically hugging himself with his face buried in Remus’s jumper, but his breaths were coming slower and fuller now, at least.
Remus was complete shit at comforting people. All he could really do was rub his arm and his back and whisper things like breathe - which he was desperately trying to do- and it’s okay - which it clearly wasn’t. He didn’t even know what had happened, really. Sirius had been shaking in his sleep, Remus had woken him up, he’d jumped up and ran out of the room and everything had just unraveled from there. It was the absolute worst state he’d ever seen Sirius in and he had no clue what was going on. At first, he’d figured it was just a nightmare, but he’d never seen a nightmare do anything like this before.
Sirius insisted that nothing was wrong and then fell silent again, leaning back against Remus as Remus stroked his hair, at a loss for whatever else to do. Eventually, Sirius pushed himself up a bit and lifted his head out of his arms, scrubbing at his face with the sleeves of Remus’s jumper. “Okay,” he whispered, seeming to be speaking more to himself than Remus. “Okay. Okay. I’m okay.”
He pushed himself off of Remus, sniffling. A little shiver ran down Remus at the loss of his body heat, his arms bare and exposed.
Sirius turned to look up at Remus. It was the first Remus had seen of his face throughout the entire ordeal, and he looked… well, exactly how you would expect him to look, Remus supposed. His face was blotchy and tear-stained, eyelashes clumped together, and there were deep, dark circles beneath his red eyes. More than upset, he just looked exhausted.
There were a million questions he wanted to ask- what the hell was that, does that happen all the time, are you okay, but asking them would only overwhelm Sirius and he absolutely did not need that right now. Remus had asked him to talk about it and he’d shot him down. All he could do was be there.
He tucked a loose wave of hair behind Sirius’s ear. “You wanna go back now?” he asked, gently, but not so gentle that Sirius would feel he was being pitied.
Sirius nodded a few times and took a breath as if preparing himself to speak. “Yeah,” he said, his voice absolutely shot.
“Okay, come on,” Remus said. He helped Sirius to his feet and slowly led him to the bathroom door with a hand on his back. When they reached the door, Sirius stopped in his tracks, clamping a hand around Remus’s arm.
“Remus,” he said. “How- how bad do I look?”
Remus gave him a once-over. His obvious post-crying face, combined with the jumper that was a size too big on him and made him look smaller than he was, did not do wonders for his appearance. “Er…”
“Fuck,” Sirius said, scrubbing at his face again. “Fuck.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Remus said quickly. “It’s the middle of the night, alright? Everyone’s asleep. No one’s gonna see you.”
“Alright,” Sirius said. “Okay.” He drew in a deep breath, as if steeling himself to leave, then looked up at Remus and nodded.
They headed out the bathroom door.
And found themselves in the middle of a total commotion.
There was a large group of students rushing down the hallway, whispering to each other. At first, Remus assumed it was just some sort of party- it was the weekend, after all- but a second glance quickly dispelled that notion. Most of them were in muggle clothes, as if coming back from a night out, but their bodies were stiff and shaky, their whispered voices urgent, not the loose, happy drunkenness that one would usually encounter on a Saturday night. A few of them had red eyes and tears on their cheeks.
Sirius’s grip tightened immediately on his arm. He looked up at Remus, any distress or shakiness wiped clean off his face. “What the fuck?” he said, under his breath.
Remus shrugged, bewildered.
With a sudden confidence and determination, Sirius pulled Remus straight into the middle of the commotion. “Hey,” he said, grabbing a random boy’s arm. “What happened?”
The boy looked over at Sirius, and the look in his eyes sent a chill through Remus. They were glazed over, haunted, as if he’d just witnessed something terrible.
Before the boy could speak, if he was even going to, Professor McGonagall rushed through the crowd, waving students away.
“Back to your rooms, everyone,” she said, her voice shaking slightly. “If you’re hurt, go to Madame Pomfrey. If not, go back to your rooms and do not come out.”
As students began to disperse, Sirius tightened his grip on Remus’s arm again and yanked him through the crowd towards the professor.
“Professor,” he said.
When McGonagall’s already-stressed gaze fell on Sirius, taking in his state, her brows furrowed in concern. She’d always had a soft spot for him, Remus thought. “Mr. Black,” she said. She glanced up at Remus in confusion, then back to Sirius. “Are you all right?”
“Fine,” Sirius said firmly. Remus was impressed by how quickly his demeanor had switched. “Professor, what’s happened?”
She glanced around nervously. “Dumbledore will explain later,” she said. She placed a hand on Sirius’s arm. “Just go back to your room and don’t come out until I come back around, got it?”
Sirius nodded and the professor rushed back down the hallway. He looked up at Remus, bewildered. “Fucking Dumbledore’s gonna tell us? What the fuck is going on?”
Remus shrugged, glancing around the hallway nervously. They were the only ones left. “I… I suppose we should just go back to our rooms…” he said.
“Fuck that, I’m coming to yours,” Sirius said. “James is there, remember?”
They fell into step beside each other, speed-walking towards Remus’s room. They passed a few more clusters of students. One girl was crying in the stairway.
Peter sat up in bed the moment they burst through the door, blinking. Remus flicked the light on. “Remus?” Peter slurred, glancing over at the clock. “What the hell, it’s four in the morning!”
Sirius left Remus’s side and beelined over to James, who was sitting on the floor next to Peter’s bed in a tangle of blankets, rubbing his eyes. Despite it all, Remus couldn’t help but be a little relieved that he hadn’t been sleeping on Remus’s bed.
James wrinkled his nose, expression displeased and half-asleep, but he seemed to snap awake when his gaze landed on Sirius’s face. “Pads?” he said. “Hey. What’s wrong?”
Sirius sat down on the floor beside him, shaking his head. “I’m fine,” he said. “I’m fine, it’s not- something’s going on.”
James cast a concerned look up at Remus, and seemed to devolve into a further state of confusion as his eyes flitted back and forth between the two of them. Sirius was wearing his jumper, Remus remembered all of a sudden. He’d forgotten in all the commotion. It was a striped Gryffindor jumper, luckily, not immediately identifiable as one of Remus’s, but James, taking in Remus’s short sleeve undershirt, had clearly put the pieces together. Remus headed over to his dresser and slipped a new jumper over his head, ignoring James’s suspicious look.
“What’s going on?” Peter asked.
“We don’t know,” Remus said. “There were just all these people running around in the hallway, crying and looking upset and stuff.”
“Crying?” James asked incredulously. He was pushing his glasses onto his face, his other arm wrapped tightly around Sirius’s shoulders.
“McGonagall looked all worried,” Sirius said. “I asked her what was going on and she just told us to go back to our rooms and not to come out. She said Dumbledore would explain everything later.”
“Dumbledore?”
“Are you just going to keep repeating things we say?” Remus asked.
Sirius sent him a tired little smirk.
“Well, I mean, if it’s Dumbledore… that’s a big deal, right?” James said. “That’s not just messing around, that’s, like, something’s really happening! Do you think it’s the war?”
“What if it’s Voldemort?” Peter whispered, voice shaking.
They fell into a tense, frightened silence. Remus had always known about the war, but it’d always existed in the background of his life. Aside from a few snide remarks from the odd Slytherin, he never really experienced any part of it firsthand. Hogwarts was the safest place in wizarding Britain, for Merlin’s sake. They weren’t supposed to worry about that sort of thing here.
But if the war was coming to Hogwarts… Remus was a hafl-blood and a werewolf. That made him a double target, right? He glanced around the room. James and Peter were looking at each other with equally pale, frightened expressions. Sirius only stared at the floor, expression strangely blank. Almost resigned, Remus thought.
Sirius probably knew Voldemort better than any of them. His family wasn’t exactly subtle in their support of him. Maybe he’d even encountered him before.
A sudden, aggressive knocking at the door had all four of them jumping simultaneously. Peter turned to face Remus, wide-eyed. James and Sirius both scrambled to their feet, wands out. “Don’t open it!” Peter hissed.
Remus turned to shush him, pulling out his own wand. He took a careful step towards the door, heart racing. They were just paranoid. All of them. But, Peter had just brought up Voldemort, and-
“Remus? Open up, it’s me!”
All four of them sagged, sighing with relief at the sound of Lily’s voice. Remus placed his wand back on the dresser and ran over to open the door.
Lily and Mary burst through the doorway, hand in hand, pushing right past Remus into the room. “There was an attack! Death eaters!” Lily cried breathlessly.
“What? Where?” Remus asked, slamming the door behind them.
“Hogsmeade!” Lily said. “It just happened an hour or two ago!”
Sirius and James exchanged a look. “How do you know?” James asked.
“We were there!”
“Wait, what?” Remus said. He stopped a moment to study Lily’s appearance. She was dressed in a muggle outfit, but her clothes were rumpled, mascara and eyeliner smudged down her face as if she’d been crying. Her skin was a shade too pale beneath her freckles. “Shit, are you okay?”
“We’re fine, but…” Lily glanced back at Mary.
“Some people might not have been,” Mary added. She was in a similar state of disarray. “I saw a few people get hurt. I don’t know if anybody… y’know. The aurors got there pretty quick.”
“What were you doing at Hogsmeade?” Peter asked.
“We snuck out for some drinks. There were a bunch of students there,” Mary said. “The death eaters must have known we were all coming.”
They fell into breathless, frightened silence.
“They knew,” Lily said suddenly. Her voice shook. “They knew we were muggleborns. Both of us. I don’t know how, but… they called us mudbloods. They said- if the aurors hadn’t gotten there in time, they would’ve-”
Remus rushed forward and wrapped her into a hug. She clung to him tightly, sniffling into his jumper.
“Fuck,” James had begin pacing about the room, head in his hands. “Fuck. Fuck. They attacked a bunch of students? At Hogsmeade? I mean, we’re supposed to be safe there!”
Lily pulled back from Remus’s arms, wiping aggressively at her eyes. “Who’s we?” she spat. “Come off it, Potter, nobody’s attacking your pureblood arse!”
James stopped in his tracks, eyes widening guiltily. He glanced down at the floor, chastised.
Remus rubbed Lily’s arm in what he hoped was a calming gesture. James probably hadn’t deserved that but she was upset and had a right to be. Besides, she was his best friend, so he was going to take her side no matter what.
“How many people were there?” Peter asked quietly.
“Maybe fifteen or so?” Mary said. “Mostly Gryffindors, a few Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. A lot of people were drunk, so… everything kind of blurred together. It was total chaos.”
“No Slytherins, though?” Remus said.
Lily and Mary exchanged a significant glance. “No Slytherins,” Mary said definitively.
They fell into silence again as everyone stewed on that thought. They all knew what it meant. At least some of the Slytherins had to have known it was happening. Students were already becoming death eaters while at Hogwarts. Maybe some of them had even been involved in the attack.
In the silence, everyone seemed to settle in, an air of nervousness still lingering above them. At Peter’s invitation, Mary sat down on the edge of his bed, while James returned to his pile of blankets on the floor. Lily watched him with a conflicted expression for a few moments before walking over to go sit beside him.
“Hey,” she said quietly, nudging him.
The entire room could almost certainly hear her, but they graciously pretended not to. Mary turned to Peter and began recapping the night’s events.
“Sorry for snapping,” Lily continued. “You didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just- it’s been a long night.”
“It’s okay!” James whispered. “It’s okay, it’s totally okay. I get it. I just- are you okay? That sounded scary.”
Lily sighed shakily. “It was.”
James bit his lip nervously. “If you need to… y’know, talk about it or anything…”
Lily smiled. “I kind of don’t. But thanks anyway, James.”
James blushed and slowly, carefully, put an arm around her. Lily pointedly didn’t move away, smiling at the floor.
Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. They were choosing now to start flirting? Now, after Lily nearly got killed by death eaters?
His gaze turned to Sirius, who had been eerily silent throughout the whole conversation. He had separated himself from the rest of the group, sitting on the edge of Remus’s bed with his head in his hands. Remus didn’t even know when he’d gone over there. He looked smaller than usual, hunched over himself, Remus’s sweater billowing around his lean frame.
Remus glanced at the rest of his friends. Both pairs were engaged in whispered conversations with each other, neither paying attention to him or Sirius. He approached Sirius carefully and sat beside him. At the movement, Sirius lifted his head slightly, his gaze sliding over to Remus, eyes glazed and unfocused. He lowered his head again.
“You look completely beat, love,” Remus said, his voice as low as he could possibly manage.
Sirius nodded wordlessly, head still in his hands.
“It might be a few hours before any professors come by,” Remus said, lifting a hand to rub Sirius’s back the way he had mere minutes ago in the bathroom stall. “You could try to get some sleep, if you want. You can use my bed.”
Sirius shook his head.
Remus drew in a frustrated breath. He tugged a piece of Sirius’s hair gently. “Would you look at me? I just wanna make sure you’re okay.”
Sirius sighed and lifted his head, rubbing at his eyes as he did. He looked up to meet Remus’s gaze, his dark circles even more pronounced. “I’m fine,” he rasped. “I’m just tired. Of, like, everything.”
“Me too,” Remus huffed. “Shit, I mean… this night can’t get any worse, huh?”
Sirius smiled, a wry expression that didn’t reach his eyes. “Don’t say that, Remus,” he whispered. “It can always get worse.”
McGonagall came by a few hours later and ordered everyone to report to the great hall. She raised an eyebrow at the large group coming from Remus and Peter’s room, but said nothing. Between Lily and Mary’s experience earlier that night and Sirius’s rough appearance, he doubted she had the heart to scold them.
Lily was close by James’s side for most of the walk to the great hall. Remus was surprised that she would take comfort in his, of all people’s, presence, but James was being rather sweet to her. He kept on cracking stupid jokes, trying to get her to smile. She seemed to appreciate it.
As they entered the great hall, James was leaning in close to Lily, saying something under his breath while Lily giggled and shook her head.
“Lily.”
Remus would recognize that cold drone anywhere.
Lily stopped in her tracks, smile dropping as she looked up at the tall, dark figure in front of her. “Severus,” she said, her tone unreadable.
“I-” he looked uncharacteristically stressed. “I heard you were there. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
Severus looked around with his beady eyes, seeming only then to take in her company. His gaze hardened especially at the sight of James right by her side.
“I’m fine, Severus,” Lily said again, her tone colder. “Thanks for the concern.”
James and Sirius glared at his back as he walked back over to the Slytherin table.
“Fucking git,” Sirius spat.
“He’s not so bad,” Lily said, though her heart wasn’t really in it.
The great hall was usually pretty quiet on Sunday mornings, but on this particular day, it was downright somber as Dumbledore explained the situation. Six students had been injured, and two wizards were dead, though neither of them were students. While Dumbledore spoke, Remus noticed Sirius glaring past his shoulder at the Slytherin table. He turned to follow Sirius’s gaze. Though most of the table was quiet, a small group of older kids- Mulciber, Avery, Snape, and a few others of the like- were leaned in close to each other, laughing quietly. Remus turned back around to face Sirius.
“They’re laughing,” Sirius whispered. “They’re fucking laughing.”
James noticed as well, his gaze settling particularly on Snape. “And he had the nerve to ask if she was okay,” he scoffed, shaking his head. “I’ll bet they helped plan the attack themselves.”
Lily sighed sadly. Remus put an arm around her, sending James a pointed look. He was sure that James was perfectly happy to witness the downfall of Lily and Snapes’s friendship- Remus was too, honestly, he’d never liked the git- but there was no reason to rub her face in it. She’d dealt with enough shit today.
Sirius stared at the Slytherin table all through breakfast.
It was, rather inappropriately, a beautiful day outside. The first nice day of the year. They were approaching mid-March, and the snow from winter had finally melted completely. As such, many students had taken their studies outside to sit by the Great Lake. It felt sort of strange for everyone to be so cheerful, enjoying the nice day, after everything that had happened the night before, but what else was there to do? Life went on, Remus supposed.
Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter had all gathered their books to go sit outside with the rest of the students, Lily and Mary promising to meet them outside later if they felt up for it. The four of them approached the lake, scanning the area. It was absolutely packed with students; sitting in groups on lawn chairs or blankets, sprawled out on the grass surrounded by books and parchment. There was hardly any free space left.
“Hey,” Sirius said, to get their attention. “Check it out.” He nodded to a spot close to the lake, where a small group of older Slytherins sat in a circle. Most of them Remus couldn’t identify- they were all wearing dark robes- but he recognized Mulciber, Avery, and Snape as the ones who had been laughing earlier. The rest were likely of the same crowd; old, pureblood Slytherins. Or, more bluntly, future death eaters. If not current ones.
“Voldemort’s little church group,” Sirius said. “Come on.” He started over in their direction and waved the rest of them forward.
Remus and Peter exchanged an uncertain look.
“Come on, let’s see what they’re saying,” Sirius encouraged.
Remus shrugged, then followed Sirius and James across the grass, weaving through groups of lounging students on blankets and lawn chairs, Peter right at his heels. James and Sirius stopped them a few feet away from the group, settling down to sit in the grass and angling his head toward them.
“Merlin, Sirius,” Remus hissed, sitting down beside him. “Be subtle, please.”
“They’re not being subtle,” Sirius spat. “Why should I be?”
Sirius looked a little bit better now, having changed out of Remus’s jumper (but notably not giving it back) into something a little more fitting, but the dark circles still loomed under his eyes. He looked dead tired, but there was something bright, almost manic, in his eyes. It set Remus on edge. He simply wanted to drag him back to his room and force a vial of dreamless sleep down his throat.
Remus scooted a little closer to the group and tilted his head a bit in an attempt to hear them. It was loud outside that day- chattering students and bird’s chips filling the fresh air, but the Slytherins’ voices should have stood out as the closest, especially since they were older than most of the students outside at the moment.
“They must have cast a silencing charm,” Remus said.
“Now that’s shameless,” James whispered. “Bloody hell. They’re hiding something.”
Remus observed them carefully. They were huddled together like a quidditch team, leaned in close so most of their faces weren’t visible. In their matching Slytherin robes, they really did all look like a cult or something, Remus thought. Though he was hesitant to encourage Sirius’s wild theories, he had to admit, the whole thing was suspicious. He wouldn’t be surprised if any of them were involved.
The thought made him shudder. He’d always known there were a few bigots around, but legitimate, actual death eaters? At a school? There were children here, Merlin’s sake, and more than half the school had at least some muggle blood. This place was supposed to be safe.
He glanced back at his friends, his gaze lingering again on Sirius. His expression seemed more angry and hateful than the rest of them, who were all simply worried. He wondered how much Sirius knew about this stuff, if he’d suspected that death eaters were at the school all along. He had no doubt some of the kids in that group were close to his family.
“Death eaters, the lot of them,” Sirius spat. “If they’re not now, they will be soon enough.”
Peter’s voice was quiet and shaky. “Do you think they were, like… a part of it?”
“I wouldn’t put it-” Sirius’s breath caught in his throat, his expression dropping suddenly.
Remus furrowed his brows, exchanging a concerned look with James. What had gotten Sirius so upset? Nothing had happened. One person in the group had stood up and began walking back towards the castle, but that wasn’t anything-
Oh. Oh, shit. walk
Sirius’s face had drained of all color, whiter than Remus had ever seen it, his mouth dropped open in pure shock as he watched the small, stiff-postured figure stalk across the grass.
James was the first to speak, talking in frantic, reassuring platitudes. “Pads,” he said quickly. “It’s fine. We must have been wrong, alright? There’s- we misinterpreted. There’s no way he would ever- no. Just no. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. He’s not one of them, okay? It’s fine. Everything’s fine.”
Sirius didn’t even appear to hear James. When Regulus was far enough away that he was only a speck in the distance, his eyes slid back over the group of Slytherins, still huddled together, talking to each other. Another bout of laughter, not audible, but painfully easy to see, seemed to snap him out of his daze.
His gaze hardened into a cold glare that, ironically, was nearly identical to Regulus’s. He pushed himself to his feet and stomped over to the group, coming to a stop in front of them. James and Remus jumped up and followed frantically.
“Hey!” Sirius shouted.
Everyone in the vicinity turned in their direction; everyone except the Slytherins, who pointedly ignored him.
“Hey!” Sirius shouted again, pulling his wand out and holding it by his side. “I’m talking to you, fucking look at me!”
Snape, on the edge of the group, turned around slowly to look up at Sirius with an impassive expression. He disabled the silencing charm with a quick flick of the wand. “Yes?”
“What’s so funny?” Sirius spat.
“Excuse me?” Snape drawled.
“You heard me. I saw you laughing over here, I was just wondering what was funny. In fact, I think we all-” he gestured wildly about the green- “want to know what you find so funny about two people fucking dying. So what is it, Snivellus, huh? You wanna explain to everybody what you and your little church group are fucking laughing it up over?”
Shit, Sirius was scary . Really scary. Remus never wanted to be on the other side of that gaze. He looked about ready to kill someone.
Snape’s face remained completely neutral, but his posture was shrinking slightly, and he swallowed hard before speaking again. “You seem a bit hysterical, Black.”
Sirius let out a laugh that, admittedly, sounded very hysterical. “You have no fucking idea, Snivellus.”
Snape stood up, tilting his head tauntingly. He was a couple centimeters taller than Sirius, and took every advantage of it, stepping close enough that the height difference was noticeable. He lowered his voice. “Are you sure this isn’t about dear little brother?”
Sirius seethed, gaze hardening even further. He was squeezing his wand so hard his fist shook by his side, knuckles bright white. “Stay the fuck away from him, Snivellus. I will fucking kill you.”
Snape shook his head, smiling coldly. “Merlin, you’re pathetic,” he scoffed. “Do you have any idea how much your brother hates you?”
Sirius’s expression froze.
Snape scoffed. “Guess not, then. You should hear the things he says when you’re not around. Even I thought it was harsh, and I hate you too. But to say that about your own brother? It’s just sad.”
Sirius lifted his wand suddenly, pointing it directly at Snape and taking a few steps closer. “Keep talking about him, Snivellus, I fucking dare you…”
Snape glanced down at the wand. “What are you gonna do, Black? Duel me? Right here?” He shook his head. “Go on, cast a spell on me. Do it. I’ll even let you-”
Sirius dropped the wand on the ground and punched Snape right in the face.
A ripple of gasps ran through the crowd. Snape collapsed to the grass on his hands and knees, caught completely off guard. Sirius was lean, but strong. Snape, despite being taller, was just plain scrawny. He didn’t stand much of a chance.
Remus glanced nervously at the group of Slytherins. Snape was one thing, but there was no way they could take on the entire group of maybe-death eaters. Surprisingly, though, they didn’t seem ready to jump to Snape’s defense. They only watched the interaction, as if entertained.
Peter yanked on Remus’s arm suddenly. “Remus,” he whispered. “Remus, everyone’s staring at us-”
“I know,” Remus hissed. He was trying not to acknowledge the huge audience of students spread about the grass, all having abandoned their schoolwork to stare at the interaction. “Just- just ignore it. It’ll be fine.”
Peter’s grip remained on Remus’s arm.
Snape pushed himself shakily to his feet, wiping at his bloody lip. “You- you- blood traitor scum! No wonder your family hates you!” He took a few rapid steps toward Sirius, fist poised, and Remus stepped forward on instinct, as if to prevent the hit.
“Wingardium Leviosa!”
Remus froze in surprise.
At the end of James’s wand, Snape flew into the air, kicking his scrawny limbs about wildly as if to stop the movement. “I- stop!” he sputtered. “Put me down, you- put me down!”
Laughter erupted from the students around him as Snape’s sallow face turned bright red.
“You can’t do this!” Snape cried. “They’ll- they’ll-” he looked helplessly down at the group of Slytherins. They stared back up at him, necks craned upwards and shoulders shaking with laughter. Their smiles were cruel and hungry, like a pack of wolves, Remus thought. Real wolves. Snape’s expression shifted from incredulity to shock as the realization set in, his flushed cheeks paling. When the shock wore off, his features fell into resigned helplessness.
Discomfort twisted in Remus’s gut and he turned to exchange a guilty look with Peter. Maybe Snape deserved it, but this felt unnecessarily harsh.
“What, you thought they were your friends?” Sirius laughed cruelly. “Who’s pathetic now? To them you’re just a dirty mudblood.”
The lawn hushed into silence. Remus’s blood ran cold.
Only the Slytherins continued to laugh.
“Shall I tell you about your brother, Black?” Snape shouted down to him.
The smile dropped right off of Sirius’s face.
“He’s one of us. Always has been. He hates you. He says you’re a filthy blood traitor, you’ve always been a weak coward, can’t even-” he cut himself off with a yelp of pain.
Sirius had picked his wand back up, and, in some kind of fit of rage, was hurling stinging hexes up at Snape.
“Sirius!” Remus hissed again. This was bordering on torture now. “That’s enough.”
He reached to grab Sirius’s arm, and Sirius pulled away without even a look in his direction. He sent another stinging hex up at Snape.
“Sirius,” he seized his arm tighter and yanked him forward, forcing Sirius to turn toward him. Sirius struggled, pushing at Remus’s chest, trying to jerk his arm out of Remus’s grip. “Sirius,” Remus said again. “Come on. That’s enough.” Sirius turned his head away, refusing to meet his gaze, and Remus, instinctively, reached up to grab his jaw.
Sirius stilled, locking eyes with Remus. Remembering where they were, Remus removed the hand in a second, a surge of panic running through him at the thought of everyone watching them. Sirius remained locked in that position, though, staring up at Remus for another few seconds. His gaze, wild and almost manic, seemed to soften.
After a moment, his shoulders sagged, the energy seeming to leak out of him as he turned back towards James, running a hand through his hair. James was now spinning Snape around, to choruses of laughter from the students on the grass. Sirius stood by James, his posture taking on a bit of uncertainty.
He turned back to Peter, who was cringing. He took a step closer to Remus.
“Are they- are they gonna stop soon, or…”
Remus gave him a helpless shrug.
A familiar yell directed both of their gazes away.
“Potter!”
It was Lily, marching over to them, face twisted in rage.
Sirius was right, Remus thought. It could always, always get worse.
“Put him down!” she ordered. She whirled around to face the closest cluster of students. “And stop laughing!”
The laughter ceased, and they directed their gazes back to the grass sheepishly.
Lily took a few steps closer to James, crossing her arms. Her fiery glare passed briefly over Remus and Peter, who could only shrug in response, before settling back on James and Sirius. “I said put him down , Potter!”
Her anger was almost as scary as Sirius’s, Remus thought. James turned to face her, smile dissipating. “Alright, alright,” he said. Remus cringed at his tone, excessively soothing, as if he thought Lily was overreacting. With a flick of his wand, Snape was tumbling down through the air, landing on his hands and knees in the grass.
Lily rushed forward to help him to his feet, kneeling down in front of him and reaching for his arm. “Are you okay?”
Snape slapped her hand away. She stood back up and took a step back, watching him push himself to his feet stiffly. When he was standing, she took a step forward again, as if to give it another try.
“Sev-”
“Leave me alone!” Snape snapped. “Like I’d need help from a filthy mudblood!”
Another hush fell over the chattering crowd at the use of the word, and Snape’s face paled, regret setting in immediately. Any sympathy for him having disappeared completely, Remus had the overwhelming urge to walk over there and hit Snape himself, but he pushed it down. Lily could handle herself.
Lily was eerily quiet, green eyes regarding him coldly.
Snape broke the silence. “I-” he stammered. “Lily, I’m so-”
Lily slapped him across the face.
The group of Slytherins sitting by them erupted into laughter, sending a ripple of it throughout the grass. Lily’s expression stayed in a stone-cold rage. Snape seemed to shrink under it. Cheeks burning bright red, he ducked his head down and walked past Lily towards the castle, robes billowing behind him as students laughed and stared where he walked through them.
James smiled smugly. He took a step toward her. “Merlin, what a prat,” he said, shaking his head. “I suppose a snake never truly sheds its-”
Lily slapped him, too.
Remus liked James. He really did. But the pure shock and disbelief on his face as he turned back to her, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, brought him a grim satisfaction.
“What the-” James sputtered. “What did I-”
“Spare me your bullshit, Potter!”
“He’s- he’s a prat!” James cried. “He insulted you-”
“I don’t need you to defend my honor!” Lily shouted. “You’ve been chasing me around and drooling over me like a bloody fool for five years now, and you’ve been tormenting Severus for just as long! I bet you were ecstatic to hear him call me that! Don’t act like you did that for me! You did that because you’re an asshole!”
James was stricken, staring wide-eyed at her. Remus exchanged a wide-eyed glance with Peter.
James puffed himself up, drawing in a deep breath. “ Snape was being an asshole,” he insisted. “He was sitting with the death eaters , for Merlin’s sake. He was saying all of this shit to Sirius, about his brother-”
“Oh, was he?” Lily laughed humorlessly, whirling on Sirius, who stood quietly beside James. “Y’know what, Black? My sister hasn’t had a single nice thing to say to me in five years but you know what I do about it? I suck it up and deal with it! I don’t use it as an excuse to be an asshole to everybody!”
James took a step closer to Sirius. Lily’s gaze landed back on him with fierce determination. She was prodding at a sensitive spot, and she knew it. “Lily-”
“You two think you’re so cool and rich and hot, running around this castle like you own the place, but guess what? Nobody likes you, okay? Nobody! You’re a couple of immature pureblood prats and the entire school is waiting for you to grow the fuck up!”
With that, she turned on her heel and marched back toward the castle, leaving James and Sirius to stare after her, the entire crowd of students having fallen into a stunned silence.
“You really think nobody likes us?” James asked as they entered the castle.
“Er-” Peter said. He had been the first to speak after Lily had stormed off, awkwardly suggesting that they all head back inside for some dinner. The four of them had latched onto the excuse to get away from the curious onlookers on the lawn. “We like you,” he said.
Remus rolled his eyes, sighing.
James turned to face him. “What?” he asked. “You don’t…”
Remus sighed again. “Of course I like you, but she was right. You were out of control. Both of you.” He sent a pointed look at Sirius, who hadn’t spoken since the encounter with Snape.
“ He was out of control,” James said. “He was hanging out with literal death eaters, remember? You’re holding us to a higher standard than him.”
“They weren’t death eaters,” Sirius cut in suddenly. His voice had a tired rasp to it.
“Huh?” James said.
“You said that they weren’t death eaters,” Sirius said. He lifted his head to look at James. His face was gaunt and pale, his eyebags even more pronounced. “Remember? We saw Reggie with them and you said they must not be death eaters. You said we misinterpreted.”
“I- er- they weren’t,” James stuttered, eyes wide. “We did misinterpret. Regulus isn’t a death eater. It’s just… they are assholes, y’know? Regulus is- he’s just a kid. He probably just didn’t know. But Snape knew what he was doing. He knew exactly who he was hanging out with.”
Sirius’s expression stayed blank. Remus thought it was probably the most pissed off he’d ever seen him at James.
James gulped, casting a worried look at Remus. “Regulus is not a death eater,” he said firmly. “He’s not, Pads. If that’s what you’re worried about.”
Sirius stared at James, expression still unchanging, for a few seconds before turning on his heel and storming away without another word. James sighed, shaking his head as he walked away.
“Er… are you gonna go after him?” Peter asked worriedly.
“No,” James said. “He doesn’t like people talking to him when he gets like this. He’s not really mad at me, he’s just upset. I’ll talk to him later.” He bit his lip, turning back around to face Peter and Remus. “You don’t think… I mean, you don’t think Regulus is really a death eater, do you? He’s only fifteen. He can’t really…”
Remus sighed. Regulus becoming a death eater, was, as far as he saw it, the worst possible thing that could happen at the moment. He’d been grasping at straws throughout the silent walk towards the castle, desperately searching for reasons for it not to be true.
“I can’t imagine Dorcas would be friends with him if he was,” he said weakly.
“Yeah,” James said, latching onto it immediately. “Yeah, you’re right. You’re right.” He sighed, running a hand down his face. “Merlin, I guess I sort of mucked things up with Lily, huh?”
Peter and Remus exchanged a look.
“Yeah,” Remus said bluntly. “I’d give her some space for a while, mate.”
“But Snape was-”
“I know Snape’s a git, okay?” Remus said. “I hate him too. But, like… of course I hold you to a higher standard than him. You’re my friend, he’s not. I just expect better from you.”
“It’s just, he was saying all that stuff to Sirius-”
“I know,” Remus said. “Merlin, I know. I was mad, too. It’s just… I don’t think you realize how much of a prat you come off as sometimes. I mean, you’re a rich pureblood, bullying some penniless half-blood. Not to mention all your other bullshit. It makes you look like an asshole.”
James glanced over at Peter, as if to see if Peter agreed with Remus’s conclusion. Peter shrugged sheepishly.
“Alright,” James sighed. “I guess you’re right, Remus. Sorry.”
“It’s not me you should be apologizing to,” Remus said bitterly.
James fell into a resigned silence.
“Look, er- you two just go on to dinner, alright?” Remus said. “I think I’m just gonna go back to my room. I’m kind of tired.”
He caught Sirius in the hallway on the way to his room. “Sirius!” he called after him.
Sirius stopped and turned to wait for Remus to catch up. His exhaustion was evident just through his slumped posture and sluggish gait. “Hey,” he sighed.
Remus fell into step beside him. For a few moments, they were silent. Remus didn’t know where to start.
“Are you, like… gonna try to lecture me or whatever about what happened?” Sirius asked. “Cause I’m not in the mood.”
“No,” said Remus.
“Good,” Sirius said. He reached his door and pulled his keys from his jacket pocket. “Because I’m not apologizing. I don’t feel bad about it. He had it coming.” Shoving the key into the doorknob with excessive force, he jiggled the knob a few times in frustration before finally pushing the door open. “He had it all coming.” He stepped into the room, waiting inside for Remus to follow him before slamming the door shut. “You shouldn’t have stopped me.”
Remus’s gaze slid over the mess of clothes on the floor to land on Sirus’s bed. The blankets were still all rumpled and twisted together from when Remus and Sirius had jumped out of bed that morning when Sirius had his… whatever it was. It felt like days ago.
He sighed. He couldn’t be too harsh on Sirius, not remembering how his day had started.
“You took it too far,” he said gently. “You- I mean, the stinging hexes… it was almost torture -”
Sirius laughed; a dry, empty sound. “That is not what torture looks like, Remus.”
The dark, haggard tone of his voice, and the implication of the sentence, sent a chill down Remus’s spine. He gulped, pushing on. “You called him a… that . You can’t say that, Sirius, not even to him.”
“Why not? It’s what he is,” Sirius said coldly. He was pacing about the room almost manically, taking his jacket off and tossing it to the floor while Remus stood stagnant by the door. “He’s hanging around with all those purebloods as if he belongs with them. He’s half fucking muggle!”
Remus paused, thrown off. He’d always known Sirius was a pureblood- it was written all over his face, even when he tried to mask it with muggle clothes and vulgar language- but he didn’t think he’d ever heard him sound so pureblood. He didn’t like it at all. “I’m half muggle, too,” he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “You’re gonna call me that now?”
Sirius looked thrown off too, as if he hadn’t even considered that. “I- no!” he sputtered.
“Do you think I don’t belong with you because you’re a pureblood and I’m a halfblood?”
“No, I just-”
“Then why is it okay to say it about him?”
“Because- because you’re- you’re just- you’re you . You’re not like him. He’s a fucking asshole and he deserved everything I did to him. And said.”
“Okay, he’s an asshole, so call him an asshole. Don’t bring that into it.”
“Asshole, mudblood, whatever! What does it matter what insult I use on him?”
Remus sighed, rubbing his forehead. Most of Sirius’s friends were pureblood, he told himself. Maybe he just didn’t understand.
“Because he chose to be an asshole,” he said carefully. “He didn’t choose to be muggleborn, just like you didn’t choose to be a Black. How do you think every muggleborn watching felt hearing you say that? How do you think I felt? Even just directed at him, it’s an insult to all of us.”
Sirius lowered his gaze to the floor, shifting his feet. “I didn’t think- I guess I didn’t-” he sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I didn’t think I’d upset you . I’m- I’m sorry . I guess.”
The desperation with which he forced out the word sorry had Remus melting immediately. Merlin, he was absolutely gone.
“It’s okay,” he said quickly. “Well, it’s not, like, okay . Don’t do it again. But I’m not mad. It’s just… there’s a war going on and the people who say shit like that are not on our side. And if things get worse I need to know that you’re with us. Not just against your family. With us.”
Sirius met his gaze, nodding. “I am,” he said firmly.
“Good,” Remus put a hand on his arm and squeezed reassuringly.
“But I’m not sorry for anything else I did,” Sirius added.
Remus sighed. “I don’t expect you to be, I suppose,” he said.
“What, so you’re not upset about any of the other stuff I did to him? You were calling it torture ,” Sirius said, scoffing as if to indicate how stupid he’d found that conclusion.
Remus, admittedly, was a little bit upset by it. He thought he’d already seen all of Sirius’s sides; he’d seen his typical tough-skinned confidence, he’d seen him with all his defenses stripped away, he’d listened to both his angry tirades and his random bouts of strangely deep introspection, but never before had he seen him in such a state of viciousness. His typical short-fused irritation was nothing compared to maniacally throwing hexes at someone and shouting slurs. It wasn’t that Snape hadn’t provoked him. It was just that now that Remus knew that side existed, he worried about when it would come out again.
“What am I supposed to think?” he asked finally. “I didn’t agree with it, but… you were just being you, I suppose.”
“What, like that’s a bad thing?” Sirius snapped. “I thought you liked me.”
Remus gave him a flat look. There was that short fuse again; he knew this side quite well and he wasn’t rising to the bait.
Luckily, the same realization seemed to set into Sirius as the tension melted from his shoulders, sighing and rubbing a hand down his face. “Okay, alright, sorry,” he said. “I’m being a prick. Snape deserved it, but you don’t.”
“It’s fine,” Remus said.
Sirius looked up at him, blinking sluggishly.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but… you need to go to bed,” Remus said. “You’re dead on your feet. You got, like, an hour of sleep last night.”
They hadn’t addressed what had happened at all, swept away by all the ensuing drama of the day. Remus wished he could ask Sirius what it was, but he knew Sirius would only brush it off with another “nothing,” and probably become upset that Remus had brought it up at all.
“I know,” Sirius sighed. “I’m just- ugh. We’re okay, though, right?”
“We’re fine,” Remus said. “Just try to get some sleep, okay? It’s a shitty day. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
Sirius stared at the floor. “Yeah…” he sighed. A moment later, a realization seemed to hit him and he perked up. “Oh,” he said. “Wait a minute.” He headed over to his vanity and plucked a bunch of fabric off the top of it. It was only when he got close enough to Remus that Remus recognized it as his jumper that Sirius had borrowed. “Here,” Sirius said, holding the jumper out to him.
Remus stared down at it, bewildered. It was folded neatly. All this clothing in a mess on the floor, and yet, Sirius had taken the time to fold Remus’s jumper and placed it on top of his vanity. The thought made him smile. “Keep it,” he said.
“Really?”
“Yeah. It looks cute on you,” he said. “It’s a little big, though. Makes you look short.”
The smile wiped clean off Sirius’s face. “I’m not short,” he said.
He really wasn’t short- he was a little taller than the average boy their age, even- but standing next to Remus dwarfed him and Remus could tell he hated it. When they were in public, at least.
“Mhm,” Remus hummed. “Go to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?”
He turned toward the door, but Sirius stopped him with a hand on his collar and pulled him down for a kiss. It was brief, hardly more than a peck, but it made Remus smile anyway.
“Okay,” Sirius said, straightening out Remus’s jumper where his fist had wrinkled it. “See you tomorrow.”
Just as Remus reached the door, Sirius spoke again.
“Remus?” he said. His tone was hesitant. “Do you think Reggie’s a…”
The silence hung heavy above them. Remus wanted to reassure him, but he wasn’t going to lie, either.
“I really hope not,” he said.
He found Lily not long after, hunched over a piano, pounding at the keys as if they’d personally offended her.
“Your little boyfriend is an asshole,” she said the moment he entered the room.
Remus froze in the doorway. “Huh?”
She twirled around on the piano bench to face him. “Sirius? He’s a grade-A asshole. I mean, I always knew, but seriously, that was a new low.”
“He’s- he’s not my boyfriend,” Remus stuttered.
Lily raised her eyebrows. “It’s called a joke,” she said flatly.
Remus felt a rush of relief.
“It’s alright,” she added mournfully. “My little boyfriend turned out to be an asshole too, so…”
Remus approached the piano bench and sat down cross-legged in front of it. “Who, James? Or Snape?”
She threw her hands into the air in exasperation. “Take your pick,” she said, shaking her head. “God, it’s so stupid… like, I actually started to like Potter for a second there. He was so sweet and funny and so handsome and I know I’ve been acting sort of silly about it but like… with everything going on, sometimes I just want to be some stupid teen girl with a crush on a cute boy, y’know? Like- I just wanna get dressed up and go out with my friends and flirt and even that gets ruined for me. And- ugh,” she groaned, rubbing at her face. “These men and their egos. I mean, I got fucking attacked this morning and still they manage to make it all about themselves! And then try to act like it’s about me! Like- if it is about me, it’s not about me as a person. It’s just about which one of them gets to fuck me. I’m a toy doll for them to fight over. I’m barely even a person to them. First, I’m a girl. Then, I’m a muggleborn. Then , I’m a person. That’s how they see me, Remus. All of them.”
Remus found himself at a loss for words. He knew, and loved, the sharp sass and awareness that simmered beneath Lily’s exterior of pretty smiles and soft-spoken kindness, but it was easy to forget, with how easily she lets insults and harassment slide off her shoulders, how terribly she was treated sometimes. Yes, she was well-liked. Yes, she had a lot of friends. But a muggleborn at the top of their class had not gone over well with some of the purebloods in their grade, and their bitter resentment towards her was palpable. And sometimes she’d befriend people, only to find out that they were only nice to her because they wanted to sleep with her, which she always said was “even more insulting.”
“I…” he began.
“You better not start defending them,” Lily said quickly. “I know they’re your friends, but…”
“I’m not,” Remus said quickly. “I’m not. You’re right. About everything. I just… I know I asked before, but like… are you okay?
Lily laughed lightly. “I mean, no, obviously,” she said. “It’s like- so weird. Like, less than a day ago a bunch of people were running around me trying to kill each other and I thought I was gonna die and it was like- the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. And two people died. But now, I’m back here and yeah, people were upset for a while but now everyone’s just back to normal and it’s such a blur now that it almost feels like it never even happened. And I guess I just keep seeing all these students going on with their lives and I’m like- I almost died last night, y’know? Like, the craziest shit that’s ever happened to me was just another Saturday night for some people. I guess that’s why I got so pissed off with James and Severus. Like, someone threw a fucking Avada-kedavra at me last night, and you think your stupid little man fights are important?”
“Shit, Lily,” Remus said. He racked his brain for something to say, some comforting thing or word of advice or something, but found himself drawing a blank. She’d said all there was to say. “You just- wow.”
Lily furrowed her brows. “What?”
“You just- you say what you’re thinking. When I ask if you’re okay, you just tell me you’re not okay and then tell me why, y’know? You don’t like- try to insist that you’re fine.”
“Er… yeah. Duh,” Lily said. “You know me, Remus.” She leaned back, sighing heavily. “Alright, so lay it on me, then. What did James and Sirius have to say about me after that whole thing? I know you probably talked to them.”
Remus hesitated. “They… seemed sorry.”
Lily gave him a flat look.
“Okay, okay, they were… still kind of douchey about it. I dunno. I told them that they were acting like assholes and they were out of control. I did tell James that he owes you an apology, so… sorry about that if he tries to bother you with it. I think he’ll stay away for a while. He seemed to feel bad.”
“Like, he seemed to actually feel bad for what he did? Or just that I was mad at him?”
“He felt bad, but only after I like, fully explained why he was being a dick. So… I dunno.”
“Hm,” she said. “What about Sirius? He was a right prick too. Worse than James, maybe.”
“Sirius is- it’s not- it’s different with him,” Remus said.
Lily raised an eyebrow. “Is it different? He’s just another pureblood asshole…”
“It is different!” Remus said. “It’s not- he’s not- it’s not like that. I mean, I guess he is a pureblood asshole, but he’s got- y’know, other things going on. He tries. He tries. And by the way, Snape was pushing all his buttons. I’m not saying he should’ve done all that, but it’s not like the prat didn’t have it coming.”
Lily smiled knowingly.
“What?”
“Nothing, just, you didn’t really go to these lengths to defend James.”
Remus flushed. “Well, you should have seen what Snape was saying, okay? I mean, dragging his brother into it was shitty. He knew exactly what he was doing.”
“I do feel a little bit bad for yelling about his brother, too,” Lily said sheepishly, twirling a piece of hair around her finger. “I guess I was just like- my sister and I have a shitty relationship too, but you don’t see me running around casting stinging hexes on people for it, y’know?” She sighed. “I still do hope they patch things up, though.”
“Yeah, about that…” Remus said. He rubbed the back of his head. He had to get this off his chest at some point; it was going to drive him crazy otherwise. “Er… I don’t wanna bother you after everything else that’s happened, but… I sort of did something.”
The shift in Lily’s demeanor was instant, leaning forward on the piano bench, eyes wide, lips tilted up into an anticipatory smile. “What do you mean you did something?”
Remus sighed heavily, burying his face in his hands. It’d been such a chaotic day that he’d barely had time to stop and think about it. “Merlin, I’m so stupid,” he mumbled. “Why did I do that?”
“Oh my God.” Lily pried a hand away from his face and forced him to look at her, green eyes glimmering. “What?” she demanded. “You have to tell me now, come on. What did you do?”
Remus shook his head, cringing. He hissed through his teeth. “Ugh, alright,” he groaned. “I sort of- well, okay. So, you remember how you kept saying that we needed to force Sirius and Regulus to talk to each other?”
Lily’s eyebrows flew up even higher. “...yeah?”
“Well, yesterday we were at a party and there was this liquor closet and I sort of… ugh. I sort of locked them in it. Together.”
Lily’s jaw dropped. “You what?”
Remus scrambled to explain himself. “He was just so sad about Regulus and he just wanted to talk to him so bad and last time I saw Regulus sitting in there cause he said he was trying to get away from the noise and Sirius was going to the closet anyway, so… they both went in there themselves, and the door locked on it’s own, so, I barely did anything!”
Lily looked frustratingly amused by Remus’s frantic rant. “You said you locked them-”
“The door locked by itself!” Remus cried. “I just… gave it a little push.”
Lily burst into laughter.
“Lils, it’s not funny!” Remus cried, his cheeks heating up. “Merlin, Merlin, he’s going to kill me. I just wanted to help, I thought if they could just talk to each other-”
“Well, did it work?” Lily asked. “Did they talk to each other?”
“I mean, I thought it did, he even said that it was nice afterwards, but then today we saw Regulus hanging out with a group of death eaters, so who knows? Merlin, I probably made it worse.” He buried his head back into his hands, grabbing a handful of his hair. “When he finds out, he’s going to lose his entire shit, Lily. He’ll never forgive me. I mean, what was I thinking, one secret hanging over our heads was bad enough that I had to add another -”
“Remus, Remus, Remus-” Lily said, prying his hands away again. “Remus. Who else knows about this?”
“No one,” Remus said.
Lily threw her hands up in the air. “And no one else will. He’ll never find out.”
“Secrets always come out,” Remus groaned.
“How?” Lily asked. “I’m never telling him, you’ll never tell him. Who else is gonna tell him?”
Remus sighed. “I don’t know…”
“Nobody,” Lily said firmly. “Don’t worry about it, okay? Your intentions were good-”
“He’s not going to care about my intentions!”
“-and he’s never going to find out, okay? He’s never going to find out. Okay? Just- take a deep breath. Relax. It’s not a big deal.”
Remus took a deep breath and tried to relax.
It wasn’t a big deal, he told himself.
It wasn’t a big deal.
Of obedience, faith, adhesiveness;
As I stand aloof and look, there is to me something
profoundly affecting in large masses of men,
following the lead of those who do not believe
in men.
-“Thought,” Walt Whitman