seventeen
Dearest Remus,
I have attached it to this letter, though I must say, I was a little confused by the request. I’m happy to get it for you, of course, I just assumed that muggle items wouldn’t be allowed at Hogwarts. You’ve mentioned before that you’re one of the only music lovers among your class. Neither Lily nor Peter’s birthdays are nearby, nor do either of them have any use for such an item (Lily must have her own, I’m sure). This present must be for a new friend, then, isn’t it?
I know you get embarrassed by this sort of thing, so I won’t press you for details over letter. However, know that I will be expecting all the details when you come home for yule. I hope this arrives on time, and good luck with the present. I’m sure the new mystery friend will love it. See you soon!
Love,
Mum
“What’s in the package?” Mary said, leaning over the table to grab for the small wrapped parcel.
“Hey!” Remus pulled it away from her grip, clutching it to his chest. The last thing he needed was somebody else opening it. “None of your business.”
“Alright, jeez,” she said, putting her hands up in mock surrender.
“Let him have his secrets, Mary,” Sirius said, appearing behind Remus seemingly out of nowhere and startling him into a jump. James was, of course, right beside him. “You should know, our Remus loves to be mysterious.”
“Well, excuse me, we’ve only been hanging out for a week. I hardly know him,” Mary said.
“Exactly my point,” Sirius said, bumping some random student out of the way to slide into the bench and sit next to Remus. James climbed up onto the bench and hopped across the table to gracelessly settle right beside Lily.
In lieu of a response to his cheerful “good morning,” Lily huffed and rolled her eyes, standing up and moving to sit on the other side of Mary. James’s face fell rather comically while Mary slid Lily’s plate over to sit in front of her.
Sirius, unaffected by James’s rejection, leaned into the table to address Lily, Mary, Peter and Remus. “You’re all coming tonight, right?”
Peter nodded, while Lily and Mary exchanged a confused look.
“...to what, exactly?” Mary asked.
“My birthday party!” Sirius said.
“It’s your birthday?”
“Yup!”
He had informed the Dead Poets Society of his birthday at their meeting the night after Halloween, a rather unwelcome shock to Remus for two reasons: the first, obviously, being that he wasn’t sure he was ready to do another party so soon after Halloween, and the second being that he had no present. He’d sent an owl to his mother that very night, frantically requesting that she send it as soon as possible. He had the perfect idea, it had only been a matter of whether it arrived on time. Now, at least, Remus could breathe easy with it sitting in his lap.
“So you’ll come?” Sirius asked after Lily and Mary had gotten the obligatory birthday wishes out of the way.
“Is James going?” Lily asked.
“Well, of course.”
“Then no.”
Lily smiled self-satisfyingly at James’s affronted cry from beside Mary. Remus looked over at Peter, who simply shook his head in exasperation. Lily and James’s antagonistic flirting had reached an all-time high in the past couple of days since Halloween. James and Sirius had been spending quite a bit of time with them since Halloween, even outside of the Dead Poets Society. Remus hadn’t been sure about the state of their friendship the day after Halloween; surely the entire Gryffindor class had noticed how Sirius and James had abandoned their usual friends to join their group by Remus’s couch, but Sirius and James could very easily just go back to ignoring them in the hallways and restrict their friendship to the shack only. However, the way that James and Sirius entered the great hall the morning after Halloween and made a beeline for Remus, Peter, Mary, and Lily’s seats had told them enough. They were friends now, Remus supposed, for better or worse. The worse, of course, being that they now all had to deal with James and Lily’s insufferably awkward flirting. He was quite sure that every single person in the little group they’d formed was simply waiting for them to get over it and snog already so they could stop with whatever annoying bullshit they had going on.
Sirius nudged Remus’s shoulder, pulling his gaze away from Peter. “You’re coming, right?”
Remus shrugged, as if he wasn’t literally holding the present in his lap. “Sure,” he said.
Sirius grinned. “Good,” he said. “It’ll be fun.”
Remus clutched the parcel. Though he wasn’t excited for the party section of the night, he had to admit he was looking forward to Sirius’s opening his present. He hoped the common room would clear out quickly, preferably even earlier than it had on Halloween, so he could give it to Sirius in peace. There was absolutely no way Sirius was opening his gift in front of the entire Gryffindor class- most of whom wouldn’t even know what it was.
James and Sirius led the group from the great hall after breakfast, engaged in their own little conversation while Sirius and Lily walked a few steps behind them.
“...your first birthday of freedom!” James was saying.
“Thank Merlin,” Sirius said. “I don’t think I could take another one of mother’s passive aggressive ‘gifts.’”
“You never will again,” James said excitedly. “I know my parents got you stuff, and my gift… just you wait, Pads. It’s gonna kick your arse.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yup. You’re gonna be overwhelmed by awesomeness.”
Sirius paused to look at James, gaze softening. “You’re the best brother ever, Prongs,” he said.
James’s face split into a grin. “Awwww, really?”
Sirius shook his head quickly and brought a hand up to ruffle James’s hair rather aggressively. James attempted to duck away from it with a laugh. “Alright, shut up,” said Sirius quickly. “Don’t let it go to your head.”
Sirius bumped his shoulder against James’s, in much the way he did with Remus, and the two of them continued down the hallway, bouncing energetically.
It was only when they were a few steps away that Remus’s gaze left them and was drawn, instinctively, to another set of silky black curls, stopped in the middle of the hallway and flanked by two taller figures. They were only a couple of feet away from where James and Sirius had stood. Close enough to hear what they’d said.
Regulus Black.
He was staring after James and Sirius, wide-eyed expression like an open wound in an extremely rare moment of vulnerability. After a moment, seemingly remembering where he was, his silver eyes darted over to meet Remus’s gaze. He saved face incredibly quickly, his expression smoothing out into cold indifference in only a split second, leaving Remus to wonder if the emotion had truly been there or if he’d only imagined the whole thing. He shot Remus a particularly icy glare and turned on his heel to saunter down the hallway, stiff-postured, his robes flowing behind him poshly.
His two companions, one of whom Remus had identified as Evan Rosier and the other a dark-haired Slytherin Remus didn’t know, turned to glare at Remus as if he’d personally offended them before walking off after Regulus.
“Oh my God, Remus,” Lily sighed beside him. He turned to look at her, startled. He’d forgotten she was even standing there. She, too, was staring after the three boys, something wistful in her expression. Not James-wistful, more sad wistful. The sort of look she got when she received a letter from Petunia.
“Oh my God,” she whispered again. “That was so sad.” She turned to look at Remus, a hand over her heart.
“Er,” Remus said, bewildered. He couldn’t say he was particularly heartbroken to see the posh little shit get his feelings hurt. Much the contrary, in fact.
“God, that’s just terrible,” Lily continued. “He looked so upset.”
Remus frowned. Lily, for all her biting sarcasm, had quite a bleeding heart and a very protective instinct for anything small, young, or cute. Even those things that did not want, nor need, her protection. “Lily,” he said incredulously. “It’s Regulus Black.”
“And?”
“ And , he’d probably call you an m-word at the first opportunity. He’s not some hurt puppy, Lils,” Remus said. “Little git probably started it with Sirius anyway.”
Lily shook her head disapprovingly. “We shouldn’t assume things, Remus,” she chided. “I just hope they sort things out some day. Life’s too short to hate your siblings. Especially nowadays.”
Remus frowned, studying her wistful expression. As an only child, Remus knew he could never understand this sort of thing, but still, it was blatantly obvious that Lily was projecting her own strained relationship with Petunia onto the Black brothers. And although he could see where she got the idea, Lily was no Regulus. And this Petunia girl was certainly no Sirius Black.
He elected not to push the subject. He only hoped that Lily wouldn’t try to resolve anything herself- a muggleborn approaching Regulus’s little group of future death eaters would only end in disaster.
Remus, Lily, Peter, and Mary elected to attend the party together that night- call it strength in numbers. The common room was, of course, packed. It may have been even worse than it had been on Halloween. At least on that day it was all Gryffindors; this time, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were mixed in among the crowd. Remus wondered if Sirius knew all these people, or if he was simply so popular that everyone in their class was invited. Aside from Slytherins, of course. Never Slytherins.
Perhaps it was the knowledge that he’d done this before, or the four friends by his side, but Remus was feeling uncharacteristically bold on this night, none of the pre-Halloween anxiety plaguing him. Lily grabbed a bottle of firewhiskey from a random Hufflepuff boy, accompanied with a sweet smile, and the four of them made a beeline for Remus’s couch. Soon, they were settled in, Peter and Remus sitting on it, Mary and Lily on pillows they’d placed on the floor in front of it.
It only took a few moments for Sirius to notice their presence and head over to the couch, awkwardly balancing five shots in his deft fingers. “Guys!” He said, grinning. His cheeks were flushed, but eyes clear, and seemed otherwise sober. “You came!”
“Like we literally said we would?” Mary asked.
Sirius ignored the comment and sat down between Lily and Mary, turning to Lily first with the handful of shots in a silent offer.
She held the firewhiskey bottle up awkwardly. “Er, we already have- ah, fuck it.”
Shrugging, she maneuvered two shots from Sirius’s handful, passing one to Mary behind his back as he leaned forward to offer them to Remus and Peter. While Peter took one immediately, Remus paused. He was no particular fan of alcohol, nor did he want to get drunk and embarrass himself by doing something stupid tonight.
On the other hand, all of his friends were staring at him expectantly, Sirius in particular looking up at him like a pleading puppy.
“Come onnnn, Remus,” He whined. “Have some fun. I only turn seventeen once.”
It was stupid how easily convinced he was, Remus chastised himself as he took the shot from Sirius’s bony fingers. “Fine,” he said. “But only because it’s your birthday.”
The five of them clinked their shots together. Remus resisted a grimace at the soft burning in the back of his throat and the bitter taste that briefly passed over his tongue. He would truly never understand why people like this so much, although he had to admit the warmth travelling down his throat to his belly was rather nice, like drinking hot chocolate on a cold day. The taste, however, was not worth it.
Sirius hopped up to rejoin his party. Remus’s eyes lingered on him as Lily, Mary, and Peter began some new conversation. He was one of the few at the party- as he usually was- who had completely ditched his Hogwarts uniform for muggle clothes. It was his usual ensemble- leather jacket, blue jeans, Doc Martens, and a band t-shirt. This time, the band was T-Rex, the t-shirt all black save for the bold red font of the band name. There was a new splash of color on his leather jacket, too- a bunch of pins and patches that looked fresh, mostly other band logos and random pieces of art. Remus liked them. They made the jacket feel more like Sirius, if that made sense.
Sirius had approached Marlene ( of course, Remus thought), who was also dressed in muggle clothes. Remus couldn’t help but think, a bit bitterly, that she had gone all-out on this particular night- a short black dress, jean jacket outfitted with a similar pins-and-patches situation, her typical bold makeup, and bright red translucent tights that Remus found rather loud. She smiled at Sirius, drunk but still annoyingly beautiful, and threw an easy arm around his neck. She really did seem like a female version of him sometimes.
“Remus, hello?”
Remus started out of his thought process and focused back on Lily, who was looking at him expectantly. “Huh?” he said.
“I asked if you wanted a sip,” she said, holding the bottle of firewhiskey up.
He glanced back at Sirius and Marlene. Their hands were practically all over each other, their faces unnecessarily close as they whispered to each other with lazy grins.
“Screw it, sure,” Remus said, reaching for the bottle.
There was a chorus of delight from his friends as he took a sip, not bothering to hide the grimace this time. He wanted to be as happy as his friends seemed to get when they drank. He wanted to forget about his worries the way they seemed to.
“I’m gonna get drunk tonight,” he announced, rather ridiculously. Peter smacked him on the back and reached for the bottle himself.
Alcohol, Remus found, had made the night far more manageable. With every sip, his throat burned less and his laughs came quicker and easier. He was, however, also becoming more and more excited to get a moment with Sirius and give him his gift, which was proving to be no easy task. Sirius spent the night flitting around to group after group. The only consistent presence by his side was Marlene, annoyingly beautiful with her easy smiles and snorting, head-thrown back laugh.
Sirius finally approached again only as the night was winding down, flanked by Marlene and James. All of them, Remus’s own group included, were properly drunk, stumbling about, giggling at every little thing, eyes unfocused. Sirius stumbled right up to him, saying, “Remus! Merlin, you’re totally drunk!” He patted one of Remus’s cheeks, grinning with delight.
“I’m really not,” Remus slurred. If he was in a better state of mind, he’d have cringed at the delivery.
Sirius’s grin only grew at it. “You are! Merlin, you really are! Best birthday everrrrrrrrr,” he plopped down onto the couch and practically threw himself on top of Remus.
Remus laughed. “Do not fall asleep on me again,” he said.
“But you’re so soft,” Sirius whined, taking Remus’s jumper in his fist and shaking it weakly. “You’re like, the perfect pillow, Remus.”
“Y’know, I got you an amazing present,” Remus said. “And I’ve been waiting to give it to you.”
Sirius shot up from Remus’s lap so quickly that Remus flinched backwards. “You got me a present?”
“Well, yes,” Remus said, bewildered. “It’s your birthday.”
Wasn’t this what you were supposed to do at people’s birthday parties?
“What is it? Can I open it?”
“Well,” Remus said, flustered by the way Sirius’s tired drunkenness had abruptly turned into puppylike excitement. “I was until it was just us to give it to you. Well, not just us two , I mean, but like…” he gestured awkwardly to the little group formed around the couch.
“Oh, perfect!” Sirius said. “Let’s get these people out of here!”
“What?”
“Prongs!” Sirius attempted to push himself up from the couch on weak arms. Marlene hurried over and pulled him up, laughing. “Prongs, let’s shut this shit down.”
James was sitting beside Lily, who was laying down and smiling, drunk enough to not have completely turned away his presence. “Really, now?” he asked Sirius. “Kinda early.”
It was past midnight, but Remus supposed that may be early to end a party from their perspective.
“Yeah,” said Sirius.
James shrugged and pushed himself to his feet. “Alright,” he said. He grabbed Sirius’s arm and the two of them walked into the center of the common room. In Sirius’s absence, Marlene threw herself down onto the couch beside Remus casually. Remus tried not to stiffen at her presence. She seemed cool, really. He didn’t quite know why he wasn’t really comfortable around her yet.
“Alright, people!” James shouted above the crowd, cupping his hands around his mouth. “Party’s over!”
A bewildered hush fell over the common room.
“Party’s over!” Sirius added. “All done! Go back to your rooms!”
To Remus’s amazement, the crowd of rowdy, drunk, mostly-Gryffindors complied almost immediately, grumbling, collecting their friends, and filtering slowly out of the common room.
“Thanks for coming!” James added.
He and Sirius came back to the couch, smiling victoriously. James settled back beside Lily. Sirius stumbled over to the couch and draped himself over Marlene, and Remus felt a pang of inexplicable jealousy.
“So, Remus,” he said enticingly, once the room had mostly cleared. “Where’s this gift?”
Remus pulled the gift out from the pillow he’d stuck it behind when he first arrived and tossed it to Sirius, who stared at it intently, bringing it up to his ear and shaking it.
“You can just open it, you don’t have to shake it,” said Remus.
“Shhhh!” Sirius said, holding his index finger up at Remus as he continued to shake the object. Below him, Marlene snorted.
“Just open it, Pads,” James insisted, watching intently from the floor.
Sirius rolled his eyes, “Ugh, fine,” he said. He tore the brown wrapping paper off and tossed it aside, then simply stared at the gray object in confusion. “Er, it’s…”
Marlene’s head popped up from behind Sirius’s back to examine the object in his hands. “It’s a radio!” she said. She cast a quick look up at Remus, seeming almost impressed. He shrugged sheepishly.
“A radio?” Sirius said, staring at the object as if it were something of wonder. “Really?” His gaze met Remus’s. Remus only shrugged again.
Sirius sprang up from the couch, clutching the radio to his chest. “Remus, this is- this is the best gift ever! I can listen to music without Marlene now!”
Marlene stuck her tongue out at him.
“Merlin, this is so perfect!” Sirius exclaimed. “How does it work?”
Marlene jumped up from the couch and settled instead between Lily and Mary on the floor, who had both sat up during the commotion. “Let Remus show you,” she said.
Sirius jumped into her spot, bouncing a few times. He turned the radio on, twisting the volume button up, only to stare at it in bewilderment as static exploded from the small speakers.
“I think I broke it,” he said as Marlene snorted in the background.
“You just have to find a station,” Remus explained. “There won’t be anything here, obviously, but I’m hoping we’ll get some from the muggle towns nearby. Might be kinda static-y, but…”
He turned the dial, Sirius’s silver eyes following the little red marker as it travelled down the range of numbers. Finally, through the sea of static, a few distinguishable chords came through. Remus stopped the dial at 102.9, and music came through clearly: Stevie Wonder’s “Sir Duke.”
Sirius looked from the radio to Remus with wide eyes. “Holy shit,” he said.
“Hey, I love this song!” Mary cried from the floor.
“Me too!” said Lily.
In moments, Mary and Lily were on their feet, doing an awkward, stumbly dance with their hands intertwined, some strange cross between jumping and a waltz.
“They can feel it all oooover!” Lily shrieked, completely off-tune.
“I don’t know this one,” Sirius said, sounding disappointed that he could not partake in the fun.
“They play new songs all the time,” Remus said. “There’s like, a disk jockey who chooses the songs and plays them.”
“Hm,” said Sirius. “So there’s some bloke whose entire job is just to play whatever music he wants?”
“Well, I suppose,” said Remus. “But it’s a bit more complicated than that.”
He actually didn’t know. His knowledge of muggle radios was next to none; his mother preferred record players. The portable radio had been collecting dust on their kitchen counter for quite a while, only played once every so often. It would be no great loss for Remus’s household- Sirius, however, desperately needed one if he wanted to be truly knowledgeable on music. He didn’t even know Stevie Wonder, Merlin’s sake.
At the ending chord of “Sir Duke,” a voice took over the station. “This is 102.9…”
“Is this the jo-” Sirius began.
“Shhh!” said Marlene.
Remus nodded in response to Sirius’s question as the jockey continued. “...and I’m Andrew Gardener, your host for tonight. Next up, we have a new song from Abba.”
Lily and James let out simultaneous, loud gasps at the mention of Abba, earning another aggressive shush from Marlene.
“Just came out this year, already a huge hit, this is ‘Dancing Queen!’”
Mary and Lily practically exploded as the opening chords of the song burst from the radio’s speakers, clasping each other’s arms, jumping up and down, squealing about how they loved this song!
James, not to be excluded, leapt to his feet and excitedly announced that he loved this song, too, Peter hot on his heels. The opening lyrics to the song were practically bellowed by the four of them, who had begun jumping and dancing in excitement.
“You can dance! You can jive!”
Remus and Sirius exchanged an exasperated look. Remus, personally, found Abba quite lame, an opinion he knew Sirius shared from the very first conversation they’d ever had about music. Marlene turned around to face the two of them from the carpet, shaking her head, conveying a similar disapproval for Abba’s cheesy music.
“Friday night and the lights are low…”
The ensuing piano riff was both sung and acted out by the entire four-person circle.
Remus noticed with some amusement that Lily had clasped a hand around James’s arm and was facing him, the two of them jumping up and down, screaming lyrics into each other’s faces and grinning. It was rather adorable, he had to admit.
Sirius had begun squirming beside him, watching the group intently and seeming to fight off a smile.
“And when you get the chance…”
At the influx of the chorus, Marlene leapt to her feet and grabbed hold of Sirius’s hand.
“Fuck it, Sirius, come on!”
Casting an awkward look at Remus, Sirius turned back to Marlene, grinned, and allowed her to pull him up and drag him to the makeshift dance floor. He joined the fray like he ruled it, jumping right into the middle and throwing his hands into the air.
“You are the dancing queen! Young and sweet, only-”
There was another explosion of excitement as they all practically screamed the word “-SEVENTEEN!” pointing at Sirius with vibrating, carefree fingers. He took his leather jacket off and tossed it aside dramatically, like he was in a movie, throwing his white-pale arms into the air and spinning around, black waves bouncing around his head.
This was where Sirius belonged, Remus thought, in the middle of a group, singing and screaming his heart out without a care in the world for what anyone thought. Even singing the lamest song ever written, he looked like David Bowie or something. He looked like a rock star. He looked beautiful.
Remus blinked, and Sirius was right up in his face, delicate hands suddenly clasped around Remus’s jumper-clad arms. “Remus!” he said, over the lyrics still being scream-sung behind him. “Dance with us!”
Remus shook his head quickly. Some part of him, perhaps, ached to join them, to be the type of person who could just get up and dance with his friends, but that wasn’t Remus. He would never be that person, would never be like Sirius. No matter how much he may wish he could be.
“No,” he said.
“Why?” Sirius yanked Remus’s arms back.
“Because I don’t dance.”
“Why not?” Sirius yanked again, and Remus felt himself involuntarily lifting from the couch.
“Because I don’t.”
“Come onnn.” Sirius threw all of his body weight backwards, and Remus found himself stumbling off of the couch, falling face-first to land right on top of Sirius, who had begun giggling uncontrollably before Remus could even hit him. The rest of the room exploded into laughter through singing, seemingly noticing their predicament.
“Sirius!” Remus cried through giggles of his own. He tried to push himself up, but only fell further, arms too weak and shaky, laughing too hard to get a good balance. At Remus’s failure, Sirius only laughed harder, his face so close to Remus’s that Remus could feel the puffs of breath escaping his lips against the skin of his own cheek, see the little crooked tooth in the front of his mouth and the tiny pores on his white skin. He made a nice picture like this, lips, cheeks, and eyes all the same shade of reddish pink, and Remus found it hard to look away from him, found…
Sirius suddenly shoved Remus off and regained his own footing impressively quickly, leaving Remus on the ground, staring up at him stupidly. Sirius offered a hand to him. “Come on, dance,” he said.
Remus took his hand and used it to pull himself up, and just for a second, with Sirius’s hand clasped in his and screams of Abba surrounding him, he thought maybe he could almost dance.
Then Sirius released his hand, and the moment ended.
“I’m not dancing,” he insisted.
Sirius’s face fell.
“But I suppose I can stand here,” Remus said.
Sirius seemed to take this as a victory, pulling Remus a few steps closer so he was right on the outside of the little circle and jumping in front of him, practically yelling the lyrics at him.
“You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only SEVENTEEN!”
There was another round of excitement as the group gestured dramatically toward Sirius.
“Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah!”
Remus wasn’t dancing. He wasn’t even moving. But he could admit that he was smiling. Sirius was grinning so hard, singing so loudly, and moving with such abandon that it would be impossible not to.
“You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life!”
Sirius pointed at Remus for those lyrics, because of course he did.
“See that girl, watch that scene…”
The last lyric was screamed at the ceiling with thrown-back heads, the loudest of them all.
“DIGGING THE DANCING QUEEEEEEEEN!”
Remus’s friends cheered excitedly for themselves at the end of the song, patting each other on the back and laughing and jumping even more until-
“What in Merlin’s name is going on in here???”
Remus had never seen Professor McGonagall in such a state.
In the end, they’d made it off with only a lecture about being considerate of other people’s space and quiet time. McGonagall, despite her lecturing, seemed slightly amused by the whole thing, her eyes glinting as they lingered particularly long on Remus, who still had Sirius practically hanging onto his arm. He supposed that he had something of a reputation for being quiet, and seeing him with the most popular boy in the grade may have been a shock. She’d ordered them to clean up the common room and head to their bedrooms immediately, thankfully choosing not to comment on their obvious inebriation. She just wanted to go back to bed, too, Remus assumed.
With all six of them working, it took only a few minutes to clean up, the process only slowed down by the occasional funny comment that would send all of them into fits of giggles. There was only about six shots worth of firewhiskey left in the last bottle, something which Sirius took as a sign, so they all did one last shot before heading back to their respective rooms.
Remus was only on his own bed for a few minutes before there was a lazy knock on his door. He knew, even before opening it, that it would be Sirius, who stood in his doorway with a crooked grin, red eyes, and flushed cheeks, invisibility cloak in one hand and radio in the other.
“Hi. I can’t sleep,” he said.
“Me neither,” said Remus, though he hadn’t really made any attempt. He was too energized.
“Let’s go,” Sirius said simply. He reached to grab Remus’s arm, but their hands somehow ended up clasped together instead. Remus said nothing about it, simply allowed Sirius to throw the cloak over the both of them and lead him down the halls with quiet, careful steps, only interrupted by the occasional drunken stumble and hand-muffled giggling.
He led Remus into the astronomy tower, and threw the cloak off as they entered the tight spiral staircase that led to the top of it. Remus turned to face Sirius, now visible, furrowing his brows.
“We can go sit on the roof,” Sirius said, smiling innocently.
Remus sighed. He wasn’t particularly enthused by the idea of climbing the dizzying staircase in his current state- he was beginning to regret that last shot- but he decided perhaps he’d rather fall and crack his head open climbing the astronomy tower with Sirius Black than go back to bed now. “Lead the way,” he said.
Sirius seemed surprised, and pleased, that Remus hadn’t put up any sort of fight and started up the stairs, one hand braced against the wall, the other still clasped in Remus’s. Remus followed a few steps behind him, also holding onto the wall for dear life. It was cold, the chilly stone biting straight through the thick fabric of Remus’s jumper. The hall was dimly lit and drafty in the night time, and Remus thought vaguely that Sirius must be quite brave if he frequented this place alone. An uncomfortable, distinctly musty smell lingered in the air.
When they reached the astronomy classroom at the top, Sirius opened the window, and Remus savored the crisp, chilly breeze that filled his nostrils and sent a shiver through his body.
“I’ll go first,” Sirius said, and finally released Remus’s hand to throw a leg over the windowsill.
Inexplicably, Remus found himself laughing.
Sirius turned back to face him, halfway out the window, with an affronted look. “What?” he asked, though he himself was beginning to laugh as well.
Remus struggled to express what was so funny. “It’s just- we’re drunk and you’re climbing onto the roof-” He let out another snort as Sirius burst into laughter at the explanation.
“If I die I die,” he declared proudly, before swinging his other leg over the sill and climbing out of Remus’s view.
“Merlin, you’re such a Gryffindor,” Remus called after him.
He approached the window after a moment of silence and stuck his head out. Looking to the right, he saw Sirius sitting on top of the roof, hugging his knees to his chest and grinning at Remus.
“Come on, Remus,” he said. “Time to prove you’re a Gryffindor.”
Remus elected not to look down at the long distance to the ground, or across the vast castle, choosing instead to focus on Sirius’s smile, a far more enticing prospect. He threw both his legs over the sill and inched out onto the roof, cold, scratchy shingles digging into his jeans. It was rather dizzying, and the world was still admittedly spinning a bit from the shots he’d taken. Iit took an embarrassingly long time to get himself across the roof. When he was close enough, Sirius grabbed his arm and pulled him up to sit beside him.
“See?” he said. “Easy. And look at the view.”
Sirius was looking out at the night sky. It was a clear, cloudless night, and Remus was sure the view was stunning, but he didn’t care much to see it. Instead, he found himself staring at Sirius. The way the soft light of the stars reflected against his pale face, little white dots dazzling in his silver eyes.
“Hey!” Sirius said suddenly, stiffening and meeting Remus’s gaze. “I almost forgot!” He seemed not to notice Remus’s staring as he reached into the folds of his jacket and pulled the new radio out, setting it down on the shingles between them. He had to adjust it a few times before it was balanced perfectly so it wouldn’t fall over from the slant of the roof. He turned the radio on, and a few guitar plucks sounded delicately through the speakers, immediately recognizable as Jim Croce’s “Time in a Bottle.”
“I don’t know this one,” Sirius said.
“It’s good,” Remus assured him.
Sirius hummed his assent and turned his attention back to sky as the gentle melody floated to fill the air above them. He released his knees and stretched out to flop onto his back, hair fanning out around his head. His silver eyes were flitting about, as if searching the night sky for something. He looked down for a moment with a slightly sad sigh, like he hadn’t been able to find it, then met Remus’s gaze.
“Remus,” he said.
“Huh?” Remus blurted.
“You’re supposed to be looking at the view.”
“Oh, sorry,” Remus said quickly. He copied Sirius, flopping onto his back for a better view of the vast emptiness above them.
It really was a beautiful night. He’d never seen stars so visible before, like a handful of salt spilled over a black countertop.
“What were you looking for?” he asked Sirius.
Sirius turned his head to look at him briefly before directing his attention back up. “The Leo constellation,” he said softly.
Remus smiled. “The lion, huh? Of course. Is that the one with the Sirius star?”
Sirius let out a little scoff, though it was rather humorless. “No, er- no.” The air around him seemed to have changed, almost as if Sirius was embarrassed. He finished, softly, “It’s the, er- the one with the Regulus star.”
“Oh,” Remus said, not really knowing how else to respond.
“Sirius is over there,” Sirius said, pointing his finger vaguely into the air. “It’s the brightest star in the sky,” he added haughtily.
Remus nearly laughed. He could have been pointing at any star. “I’ll take your word for it,” he said.
“It’s-”
Whatever else Sirius was about to say was cut off with a gasp of delight and shock. “Bloody hell!” he exclaimed, shooting up into a sitting position. “Remus, Remus, this is my favorite David Bowie song!” He fumbled for the radio between them, turning the volume dial all the way up.
It took Remus a moment to recognize the song now playing, the drum part slowly fading in.
“Pushing through the market square, so many mothers sighing…”
“That jockey, what was his name again?”
Remus frowned, trying to retrieve the name from his muddled mind. “Er- something gardens? Gardener? Something Gardener.”
“Do you think he knows it’s my birthday?”
Remus blanched. “How the hell would some random-” he began, then paused and glanced at Sirius. He was staring at Remus already, smiling wryly. “Okay, ha-ha. Very cute.”
“I heard telephones, opera house, favorite melodies
I saw boys, toys, electric irons and TV's
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there…”
“Want a fag?” Sirius’s uncharacteristically soft voice seemed to join the music rather than cut through it.
Remus nodded, hesitant to disturb the moment by speaking himself. He took the offered cigarette from Sirius’s deft fingers, sticking it in his mouth and holding a hand out for the lighter.
Sirius batted his hand away and leaned across the space between them to light Remus’s fag for him. It took him a few moments, and a few mumbled “fuck”s before the cigarette was lit, the fire briefly warming Remus’s lips before it clicked out and Sirius leaned back to leave Remus in the cold breeze. He drew in a deep drag in an attempt to recreate the warmth of Sirius’s close presence, allowing hot smoke to fill his lungs and holding it in there before releasing it out into the open air.
He stared after the gray puff of smoke, watching as it briefly dimmed the light of the stars before fading away to blend seamlessly into the air. As the nicotine began its light rush to his head, he glanced at Sirius, leaned back on his elbows and staring up at the stars. Looking for Regulus again, perhaps.
“A girl my age went off her head
Hit some tiny children…”
Sirius met Remus’s gaze again, and this time Remus didn’t bother to look away or pretend he hadn’t been staring. It wouldn’t be of any use.
A goofy grin took over Sirius’s face. “You staring at me?”
Remus returned it, shrugging. The cigarette and the alcohol seemed to have mixed together in his brain to create a light, carefree feeling. He wasn’t nervous. He wasn’t awkward. He didn’t care. “Maybe.”
Sirius’s grin widened. “Awwwww, Remus. Am I so nice to look at?”
“Maybe,” Remus repeated.
“Awwwww,” Sirius cooed again. He went to bump his shoulder against Remus’s, but the gesture was uncoordinated and sloppy, his arm instead whacking against Remus’s forearm and knocking the half-smoked fag straight out of it. Sirius burst into laughter as it began rolling down the shingles, only the bright orange cherry visible against the charcoal-black roof.
“Aw, shit,” Remus said, instinctively sitting up and reaching for it.
Sirius threw a hand out in front of his chest to block him. “Do not reach for it,” he said, still laughing.
“Why?”
“Because you’ll fall off the bloody roof, that’s why,” said Sirius.
“Wow, Sirius Black,” Remus said, clasping a hand over his heart dramatically. “Whatever would I do without you? My savior.”
“Shut up, I’m trying to stop you from dying, prat.”
Remus watched, chagrined, as the fag reached the edge of the roof and rolled off into the open air of the night.
“I really wanted to finish that fag,” he said sadly.
There was a brief pause before Sirius said, almost shyly, “We can share mine.”
“Alright,” Remus said, shrugging. He turned to Sirius and made to take the fag from his fingers.
“Not like that!” Sirius said, quickly, pulling the fag back and putting it between his own lips instead.
Sirius held Remus’s gaze, rather smugly, as he took a long drag from the fag, cherry illuminating his smooth white skin and reflecting in his silver eyes.
“How, then?” Remus asked quietly.
“It was cold, and it rained, so I felt like an actor,
And I thought of Ma, and wanted to get back there…”
In lieu of a response, Sirius leaned forward, uncomfortably close now, David Bowie blasting upwards through the space between them. Slowly, painfully so, he raised his arm and clasped hold of Remus’s jaw, his fingers cold and bony against Remus’s rough skin, silver eyes still locked in his. As Sirius neared closer, Remus found himself staring at Sirius’s lips, soft and pink, tiny tendrils of smoke escaping through the slight gap between them. A few centimeters closer and they’d be kissing, Remus thought, unsure of how to feel about that particular observation.
“Your face, your race, the way that you talk…”
Sirius opened his lips and exhaled, a puff of hot smoke rushing from his mouth to Remus’s. Remus drew it in, a sweet burn the back of his throat, a welcome heat in his chest, but he hardly noticed the taste of the cigarette or the rush it sent to his head. All he could comprehend at the moment was Sirius, his silver eyes glimmering, his black tendrils of hair tangling with Remus’s in the cold breeze, his skin smooth and white like porcelain, his lips still hovering centimeters away from Remus’s, unmoving, almost as if waiting for Remus to close the gap.
“I kiss you, you're beautiful, I want you to walk…”
And without even thinking about it, Remus kissed him.
For a moment, Sirius Black was the world. The gentle hand still clutching his jaw, the hair brushing softly against Remus’s skin, the taste of alcohol and cigarettes mingling in their mouths, the little noise Sirius made in the back of his throat. The music- Sirius’s favorite song- rising up between them.
“We've got five years, what a surprise
Five years, stuck on my eyes
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got…”
The shingles were hard and scratchy beneath Remus’s legs, the cold breeze stinging his skin through his jumper and whipping through his hair, but the warmth and softness of Sirius’s lips against his made every harshness of the night melt away into nothing.
It was too short, Remus thought, when Sirius pulled away. He didn’t want to stop.
Sirius hovered there for a moment, centimeters away from Remus’s face, his silver eyes flitting back down to Remus’s mouth. Abruptly, Sirius leaned forward and pressed one more quick, tender kiss against his unexpecting lips, soft and fleeting, but final, almost like a signature. Sirius Black.
He leaned back, finally, so they were sitting at a comfortable distance, radio still between them, the song fading out. They sat there frozen, staring into each other’s eyes, for a few moments. Sirius’s gaze was unfocused, his cheeks and eyes red, looking about as dizzy as Remus felt. The cold breeze returned, biting into his skin through his jumper, the scratchy shingles suddenly noticeable again beneath his jeans. As the world returned to its normal state, Sirius and Remus still sat in silence.
Then, abruptly-
“AAAAAND THAT was David Bowie’s “FIVE YEARS,” a great tune here on 102.9. Thank you ALL for listening, I’m your host for this evening Andrew Gardener, if you enjoy what we do here, please consider…”
Sirius started it, just a little snort in the back of his throat that turned into a little giggle, and in a moment, the two of them had dissolved into hysterical laughter, back to laying side-by-side on the roof, shoulders shaking and Sirius’s feet kicking against the shingles. He clicked the radio off.
“I remember his name now,” Remus said for no particular reason, eliciting more laughter from Sirius, who kicked his feet again, the aggressive thudding particularly loud in the silence of the night.
Remus shushed him, which only resulted in louder kicking.
After a few more seconds of uncontrollable laughter, the humor of the moment seemed to fade away, and they were returned to awkward silence. Sirius turned his head to meet Remus’s gaze, his expression serious but still tinged with a slight smile, leftover from their laughing fit. “Remus,” he said. “This has been the best birthday ever.”
Remus probably could have said something sweet and turned it into a nice, heartwarming moment. Instead, he found himself grinning, saying, “awwwwww, isn’t that cute?”
Sirius smacked Remus’s arm with an incredulous cry. “Shut up! I’m trying to be serious!”
“I thought you were always Sirius.”
Sirius let out a delighted gasp, throwing a hand over his heart and smiling. “Merlin, yes! You’re learning!”
A few minutes later they were stumbling back to bed, cloak draped over them, still giggling over every little thing. Nothing had changed between them. Neither had acknowledged what had happened.
Remus found himself wondering, as he laid in bed that night, if they were ever going to acknowledge what had happened, or if they would just pretend they’d forgotten all about it, dismiss it with every other stupid drunken memory.
Perhaps they were just both drunk. Perhaps Remus was some embarrassingly lonely boy who’d take romantic attention from anybody. Perhaps Sirius was just so ridiculously beautiful that anyone, even a boy, would want to kiss him.
Either way, the fact remained that he’d kissed Sirius Black, and he’d liked it.
And he didn’t want to forget about it.
Life is a cigarette:
Cinder, ash, and fire –
Some smoke it quickly,
Others with savor.
- Manuel Machado y Ruiz, "Chants Andalous"