in beauty
October passed quickly, and a few days before the end of the month, Remus and Peter found themselves in Lily and Mary’s room. Remus wasn’t particularly familiar with Mary- he and Peter usually hosted Lily in their room for that reason- but lately he hadn’t been feeling so nervous about being around new people. Besides, anyone Lily loved was someone Remus could trust. (Snape was the one exception to this rule.)
Lily and Mary had started off the night in the common room with Sirius, James, and their group and taken a bottle of whiskey back to the room. The girls and Peter were passing it around, taking the occasional sip, and thus the mood was livelier than usual. Remus himself wasn’t a big drinker, too nervous that it would make him feel sick. There was no way he was walking through that common room with all those people to go throw up in the bathroom. He allowed himself only a few careful sips.
As they’d gotten to talking, Lily had revealed to Mary that Peter and Remus were unfamiliar with the Beatles, a revelation met with an extremely affronted gasp. It was a bit overdramatic, Remus thought. They were at a wizarding school, for Merlin’s sake. Hardly anyone here would know who the Beatles were.
Either way, Peter and Remus had ended up seated on Lily and Mary’s carpet while the two of them jumped on Lily’s bed in their socks and pajama pants, scream-singing some Beatles song and using their hairbrushes as microphones.
“I wanna hold your haaaaaaaand!” they shrieked, throwing their arms in the air like they were actual performers at a concert. When their final note concluded, they high-fived and flopped down onto the bed, bouncing a few times and nearly toppling over each other. Mary hopped off the bed to join Peter and Remus on the carpet, smiling brightly.
“Amazing, huh?” she asked.
Peter and Remus exchanged a look.
“Well, I think we’d get a better idea of it if we actually had the music playing,” Remus said. “Without it, it’s just sort of… two drunk girls singing really off-pitch.”
“Reeeemus!” Lily groaned, hopping off of the bed to land beside him and shoving his arm. “I promise he’s not always like this,” she told Mary.
“Yes, he is,” said Peter.
Remus rolled his eyes, but didn’t bother to deny it.
“So, what do you think, Peter?” Lily asked.
“Me?” Peter said. “Remus is the music guy, not me.”
“Well, he’s being mean, so I’m asking you.”
Peter looked uncertain. “I mean… it’s just, like, girl music, y’know?”
“Oi!” Lily cried. “What’s that supposed to mean? Like, girl music is inferior somehow?”
“No!” Peter said. He cast a helpless look at Remus. “I just mean- like- I wanna hold your hand? It’s sort of… I dunno. Nevermind.”
Lily smiled dreamily. “If you saw John Lennon, you’d understand,” she said.
“Merlin, here we go,” Remus mumbled. Lily’s Beatles obsession was well-documented and made reappearances every once in a while, even though the deepest depths of it- third year- were long over. Remus could still picture the walls of her bedroom at the time; plastered with Beatles posters on every inch, hearts and kiss prints over the John Lennon photos. It was truly insane. She’d taken the posters down the next year, acting terribly embarrassed about it and calling it her “phase,” but Remus knew she’d never truly grown out of it, just learned to hide it better. He’d be willing to bet her bedroom at home still looked like that. And, he knew exactly where to find the little stack of John Lennon magazine covers in her dresser drawers.
It seemed that a few sips of alcohol was just enough to get her back going about it.
“Hey, you’re one to talk, with your whole David Bowie thing!” Lily shouted. “ ‘Oh, Lily, he’s so amazing. He’s so fit. He’s so cool. I want to be just like him!’” she squealed in a crude impression of Remus.
He blanched. He was almost certain he did not sound like that, nor had he ever said anything to that degree. Thought it, maybe, but never said it.
“I don’t say that!” he said.
“You think he’s sooooo fit!” Lily slurred with a teasing grin.
“Objectively!” Remus cried, blushing.
“Objectively this, objectively that! This is that Sirius Black thing all over again!”
Mary, who had been staring off into space throughout Lily and Remus’s light bickering, clutching the neck of the bottle, was brought to attention to the familiar name. “What’s the Sirius Black thing?” she asked.
“Remus thinks he’s objectively handsome,” Lily said.
Remus was blushing furiously.
“Well, of course he is,” Mary said, unphased. “Anyone with half-functional eyesight can see that.”
Remus was beginning to like her. Even while tipsy, she had a very calm, studious demeanor. Like she thought everything through carefully before she spoke.
“But is he handsomer than Regulus?” Peter butted in, and Merlin, why were they lingering so hard on this point?
“Hm,” said Mary, considering the question as if it were some studious problem. “Well, it’s a matter of taste, isn’t it? Sirius is taller, fitter. He’s more masculine, more classically handsome, I suppose. Regulus is smaller, but very fair of face. Prettier, in a way. I’ve never seen the woman, but I’d be willing to bet Regulus takes after his mother.”
Clearly Mary had never been close up to Sirius, never seen the way his silver eyes sparkled, the pale, smooth skin that covered his cheeks, the little crooked tooth in his smile. Not if she thought that any person in this world could possibly be prettier. Objectively.
“Wow,” Peter said. “You seem way smarter than Lily. Why is she top of the class?”
“Hey, I earned my place, Pettigrew,” Lily cut in. “I study longer hours than everybody in this room combined.”
Remus was inclined to agree with this point. When she wasn’t playing piano or in class, Lily was studying- taking her books to mealtimes and Quidditch matches. She likely spent more time at the library than anyone else at Hogwarts. Her seat there was practically reserved at this point.
“Hey, Remus,” Mary said suddenly.
Remus looked up, startled to have been addressed directly. “Yeah?”
“I’ve been wondering- are you friends with Sirius and James and that lot?”
He exchanged a baffled look with Peter and Lily. “What? Friends? Merlin, no.”
Recent events had perhaps called that answer into question.
At the first meeting of the Dead Poets Society, something had clicked. Everyone knew it, but James had been the first to vocalize it. As they walked back from the Shrieking Shack that night, he had declared that they must do this again, that it felt like the four of them were meant to be friends. Like something about them all sitting together in that shack just felt right.
Remus had scoffed and called James sappy. But he’d secretly agreed.
The original plan was to meet once a week. That plan had gone out the window when, only two days after their first meeting, Sirius had whispered in Remus’s ear during class, “Shack tonight?”
Only two words, but Remus knew exactly what he was trying to say.
From that point on, that became their little code. Walking by each other in the hallways, stopping by each other’s seats at mealtimes, rapping on each other’s door. “Shack tonight?”
There was some sort of unspoken agreement, though, that hung over this arrangement: that they would not be seen together in public. James and Sirius would never stop for more than a minute or so in the hallways to speak to Remus and Peter, Remus and Peter would never enter James and Sirius’s room in daytime, only linger in the doorway. Remus wasn’t really sure why it existed- perhaps it was James and Sirius’s way of retaining their popular reputation or Remus’s own attempts to keep attention off of himself. But they had never explicitly told each other to stay away. It was an invisible line, really, that separated the pairs of friends.
However invisible, though, the line was there, which made it quite confounding that Mary would take notice of any sudden closeness between Remus and Sirius.
“What makes you ask?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Mary shrugged. “It’s just, I see you two talking in the hallways and whatnot. You and Sirius, I mean. It’s funny. You’re like, pure opposites, but it also kinda makes sense that you’d be friends.”
Lily clapped her hands. “I know!” she said. “It totally makes sense!”
Remus blanched. Were they that obvious? They only ever talked in the Shrieking Shack and the poetry classroom. “Do people think Sirius and I are friends?”
Mary looked confused. “Er, I dunno,” she said. “I’m not like, going around asking people. I was just curious.”
Remus left it alone, but the thought of people taking note of his sorta-friendship with Sirius made him uneasy. He supposed it was unavoidable- a side effect of Sirius’s popularity- but still. He’d have to be more careful in public from now on. He didn’t need to be the topic of anyone’s gossip.
The next day, Remus sat on the floor of the piano room, Peter beside him sipping tea and scribbling in his potions textbook, Lily seated at the piano bench, playing some nice melody and singing softly to herself.
“You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people gonna treat you better; you're gonna find, yes you will; that you're beautiful as you feel.”
It was a comfortable scene; how they spent nearly every afternoon.
When Lily finished her song, she began on another round of chords, vaguely familiar to Remus, though he couldn’t place them. Probably some Beatles song, he thought.
Then, she starting singing softy: “My My, at Waterloo-”
Peter choked on his tea.
Lily stopped abruptly, turning to face Peter. “You okay?”
Peter held a hand up and nodded vigorously as if to say yes, but he continued sputtering and choking, tea dripping off of his chin, red in the face and teary-eyed.
Remus reached out to pat his back awkwardly. “He’s fine,” he said quickly. “Wrong pipe, probably.”
Lily gave them a funny look. “Well, alright,” she said, before turning back to start a new song.
It took Peter a few moments to actually catch his breath, but when he finally did, he looked over at Remus with wide eyes, still teary from his coughing fit.
Holy shit, he mouthed.
I know, Remus mouthed back.
When they had returned to their room that afternoon, alone, Peter turned to face Remus immediately and cleared his throat.
“Remus,” he said. “I need to say something.”
Remus raised an eyebrow. “Go on,” he said.
“I think James and Lily would make a good couple.”
Remus bit his lip. He had been considering it lately.
Sure, James was an arrogant prat. He was annoying, obnoxious, and had no idea when to shut up. His ego was so large it could have its own solar system. That was Hogwarts James Potter, the James Potter Lily knew. The only James Potter that Remus had known up until two weeks ago.
The James Potter that Remus had come to know in the Shrieking Shack was paradoxically both identical and completely different. He was annoying and obnoxious, but not like a popular, irritating git. He was annoying and obnoxious with a dorky laugh, bright eyes and an irritatingly careless smile. He had no clue when to shut up, but he didn’t do it simply to be a prat. He rambled on the way a hyperactive child would, hitting random points sporadically, saying every stupid little thought that popped into his head. If James’s ego was the size of the sun, then his friends were the planets in his orbit; Sirius, Peter, and whoever else it was that he hung around. And although Remus wouldn’t yet call him a friend he could say with full confidence that behind that gigantic ego of his was a heart just as large.
So where did that leave James Potter? Worthy of Remus’s best friend?
Well, hell no. But no one was worthy of Lily Evans.
But worthy of a chance?
“I think that’s up to Lily,” Remus said finally. “We can’t just sic him on her. She’s our friend, first and foremost.”
“Of course,” Peter said. “It’s just… I wish we could bring her to the Shack with us. Just so she could see what he’s really like.”
“It’s sort of his fault though,” Remus said. “If he’d just drop the obnoxious git act around her, she might come around.”
Peter hummed. “I suppose,” he said reluctantly.
Remus smiled wryly, amused by Peter’s sudden loyalty to James. The two of them had taken to each other rapidly in the limited time they’d spent together. James had seen Peter’s awkward demeanor and nerves and taken him under his wing almost immediately. Peter, in turn, had attached himself to James’s side at meetings, using him as a sort of social ineptitude crutch- always quick to laugh at whatever lame joke Peter told or listen to any random tangents he went on where Sirius was more likely to make some dry comment at Peter’s expense.
They had a meeting that very night; James had declared “Shack tonight,” while walking past them at breakfast that morning. However, Remus could tell from the moment they entered the shack- the way Sirius sat next to James, rather than assuming his usual standing, leadership position- that the energy was different. The two of them kept squirming and looking at each other, almost as if they were nervous for something. Remus and Peter exchanged looks of confusion.
“Before we start,” Sirius said. “We just wanted to ask you guys something.”
Remus and Peter looked at each other again.
“Sure,” Remus said with a shrug.
Sirius nudged James, fixing an expectant gaze on him like he was supposed to be the one to ask. James shoved Sirius away and settled his gaze on Remus and Peter.
“Will you come to our Halloween party?” he blurted.
There was a brief pause.
Then-
“Of course.”
“Hell no.”
-simultaneously.
This was an official invitation, an obvious attempt to break the invisible barrier between the pairs of friends. Remus supposed that his instant answer simply confirmed that it was him- not James and Sirius- that was responsible for the barrier. However, he couldn’t bring himself to care. He liked James and Sirius in here, in the context of this shack, reading poetry and smoking and joking around. He wasn’t comfortable with whoever they would become when drinking with their other friends. And besides, Remus didn’t drink, he didn’t socialize. Why should he go just to not take part in anything?
“Ughhh, Remus!” Sirius whined. “I knew you’d do this!”
“Do what?”
“Say no!”
“Then why’d you ask?”
“Because-” he stammered. “Because I want you there! Come on, it’ll be fun!”
“Sorry, Sirius, but getting pissed and hanging around the common room with people I don’t know is not my idea of fun.”
“Oh, come on!” James interrupted. “You know us! We’re your friends, right?”
“Of course!” Peter said.
“Er-” Remus stuttered, startled by the question. He liked the two of them well enough, but friends? It was a loaded term. Lily and Peter were his friends. Everyone else in his life- including Mary, including James and Sirius- were just people at various levels of likability in Remus’s mind. He was no James Potter- no sun with an entire solar system of people orbiting him. However, his need to rid the moment of its awkwardness overwhelmed this thought process. “Y-yes, I suppose,” he said, but he must have hesitated just a beat too long, judging by the way both James and Sirius’s expressions dimmed slightly.
Sirius made a quick recovery, though, masking his disappointment with a smile. “Reeemus,” he said. “Just come. You can sit on the couch reading poetry for all we care. You don’t even have to wear a costume.”
“If I can just sit around reading then why would you want me there anyway?” Remus asked, exasperated.
“Because Halloween is the best night of the year,” James said. “You can’t just spend it alone.”
“Exactly,” said Sirius. “Don’t you want to be with people?”
“No,” Remus said. The only thing he hated more than parties was people trying to pressure him into going to them out of some false sense of charity. Why did everyone just assume he was lonely all the time? He liked being alone. He didn’t need their concern.
“Come on, Remus. It’ll be so fun!”
“Oh, really?” he spat, without thinking about it. “Are you two bringing the veritaserum again? Maybe I will go; I’d love to hear you spill some more Black family secrets.”
The effect of the sentence was instantaneous; Sirius retreated immediately, the betrayal in his gaze sending an instant wave of guilt through Remus. He looked to his other two companions. In any other situation, the way Peter’s jaw dropped would have been quite humorous. Right now, Remus was more concerned with the death glare he was receiving from James, anger practically phasing through the thick lenses of his glasses.
“Hey,” he said, voice lowered. “I don’t know what your-”
“Prongs, it’s fine,” Sirius said quickly.
“Pads-”
“It’s fine, it’s fucking fine, we shouldn’t have pressured him.”
“I’m sorry,” Remus blurted.
“It’s alright.”
“Really, I am.”
“ Really , it’s alright. Here–” he reached into the center of the circle, the usual pile of junk food and vices, and grabbed the box of cigarettes, tossing it to Remus. “Seems like you could use one of these.”
Remus huffed an awkward laugh, and concerned himself with taking one out and liking it, ignoring the glances he was getting from the rest of the group.
The tension had mostly dissipated for the rest of the meeting. James, who had borrowed one of Remus’s miscellaneous poetry collections last week so he could take part, delivered a poem this time: Lord Byron’s “She Walks in Beauty.” A nice choice, Remus thought, if not a bit cliche.
“She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o’er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express,
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!”
In the ensuing applause and encouragement- all from Sirius- Peter leaned over and mumbled to Remus, “I think we all know who he was thinking about with that one.”
Remus chuckled, but Peter had misjudged the volume of his voice if the way James’s gaze fixed on the two of them as a furious blush took over his cheeks was any indication.
Peter’s cheeks reddened as well, likely horrified at having been caught making a joke at his new friend’s expense. Sirius exchanged an amused look with Remus and snorted.
“Hey, she’s their friend, maybe they can give you some tips!” he said.
“Sirius!”
“What? Just trying to help you out!”
“The only tip you’re getting from me is leave her the hell alone,” Remus said.
If possible, James's cheeks grew even redder, and Remus found himself marveling once again at just how different this James Potter was from the one who constantly flirted with Lily in the halls of Hogwarts. He looked especially uncomfortable with Remus, refusing to meet his gaze.
“Sorry, James,” Peter said with a guilty shrug.
“It’s nothing, mate,” James said, patting Peter on the shoulder. Remus received no such reassurance.
Throughout the rest of the meeting, Remus felt weighed down by what he’d said to Sirius, the betrayed look in his silver eyes flashing through his mind on a loop. Sirius had been acting like a bit of a prat, but saying that had perhaps been too far. Remus had encouraged him not to be embarrassed about it and then he’d gone and brought it up solely to embarrass him.
He wasn’t exactly sure why Sirius got on his nerves in such a way, why he kept finding himself saying mean things to him and then struggling to apologize. Either way, it was going to weigh on him the rest of the night if he didn’t say anything. So, that night, as they were approaching Hogwarts and James was unfolding the cloak in preparation for their shuffle back to the dorms, Remus pulled Sirius aside.
“Hey,” he whispered. “I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just… sometimes when people try to pressure me into stuff I get really pissed off. And say shitty things.”
Sirius gave him a shrug and an empty smile. “It’s alright, really,” he said. “I get it. It was my fault anyway.”
Remus frowned, feeling unsatisfied despite Sirius’s reassurances. It wasn’t a real smile; it didn’t reach his eyes. He wanted it to be real. So, he said, “Okay.”
Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Okay what?”
“Okay… maybe I’ll stop by. At the party.”
The grin was real now. “Really?”
Remus shrugged. “Sure. No promises, though. I won’t stay long. And I’m not dressing up.”
“That’s fine, that’s fine,” Sirius said excitedly. “It’s gonna be so much fun, I promise.”
Not bloody likely, Remus thought, but couldn’t bring himself to ruin Sirius’s excitement He’d certainly be regretting his commitment on Halloween night, but for now, the light that now sparkled in Sirius’s eyes as he turned back to tell James had made it worth it.
The next day, after classes, Remus was sitting on his bed reading when an empty, rapping knock sounded against his open door frame. He looked up, expecting Lily, only to find James Potter leaning in the doorway, looking uncharacteristically nervous.
“Hey, Remus,” he said, fidgeting with his hands.
“Hey, Potter,” Remus said uncertainly, sitting up in bed a little and setting the book aside. “Er- come in.”
It felt awkward being alone with James. It wasn’t that the two of them didn’t get along, but within the Dead Poets Society, they hadn’t quite taken to each other. Although Remus’s opinion of James was certainly higher now than it had been, he wasn’t quite comfortable with the boy yet. Besides, he doubted his recent comment at Sirius’s expense had done anything to improve James’s opinion of him.
“Remus,” James began. “I can’t help but feel like perhaps we got off on the wrong foot.”
His bluntness caught Remus off guard. “Huh?”
“Well, maybe I haven’t been particularly friendly with you,” James said. “So… I’m sorry about that.”
James? Apologizing to Remus?
“It’s alright,” Remus said quickly. “I’d say I’m less friendly than you.”
“Okay, probably,” James huffed out a laugh. “It’s just, Sirius is my best mate, and he was getting all excited about this poetry stuff, and you always seemed so… unapproachable.”
Remus smiled.
“So I suppose I just worried that you would get sick of him and tell him to leave you alone and he’d be all disappointed.”
“James,” Remus said. “This is all very heartwarming, but I’m fairly certain Sirius can take care of himself.”
“He can, of course he can,” James said. “Well…” he shrugged sheepishly. “Perhaps I was a bit jealous, too, that you two were getting so close.”
Remus did not even bother to hide his shock. “ Jealous? You? Jealous of me?”
“Well, first you’re always hanging around with Lily and then all of a sudden my best mate is all obsessed with you…”
Remus blanched. Sirius, obsessed with him?
James was still talking. “... and you and Lily are both just so beautiful so maybe I figured-”
“Wait. Hold on,” Remus held a hand up, so baffled by every word spilling from James’s mouth that he didn’t even know where to start. “Lily and I… she’s my best friend. Just my best friend. Nothing else.” It occurred to him a moment later that perhaps he should have pretended that they did have something between them if it led James to back off of her, but the idea of him and Lily together was just so insane that it was his instinct to shut it down. Besides, it was laughable that someone who looked like James would think someone like Remus could be competition.
“Oh, Merlin, that’s a relief,” James said with a sigh. “Sorry I assumed, I guess, it’s just that you’re both these, like, beautiful people, and I thought it would make a lot of sense…”
That word again , Remus thought.
“Potter,” he said. “I don’t appreciate being pandered to.”
“Oh,” James’s expression dimmed. “Sorry. Er- what did I say?”
“Come on. You know.”
“I really don’t.” James’s expression was one of such pure, innocent confusion that Remus almost believed him.
“I’m not… y’know.”
James frowned. “Beautiful?”
“Obviously.”
“Yes, you are,” James said firmly, without a moment’s hesitation.
Remus knew exactly what he looked like- the rough scratches on his face, the gawky, awkward limbs, the muddy-looking blonde hair and height that stuck out in a crowd. And that was only one part of him. He was bad enough like this, but the other half of him, the side that came out with the full moon… Remus had never seen it himself, but he was shamefully thankful that he hadn’t. He didn’t need to see it to know how horrific it was. No one- not someone who only saw this side of him and certainly not someone who had seen all of him- would truthfully call him beautiful.
James was nice, and he appreciated it. But it wasn’t true.
“Be serious.”
“Can’t, I’m afraid, I’m just James.”
Remus gave him a flat look.
“Alright, alright. But really, you are. I don’t lie about this stuff, not ever. If I think someone’s beautiful, I’ll tell them. Really.”
That was an interesting way of doing things, Remus thought, almost wishing that he had the purity that led one to just go around just calling people beautiful. “Why?”
James shrugged. “Why not? It makes them happy.”
Remus supposed this was a good enough reason to do something, if not an overly simplistic worldview.
“Though I must say, usually they just say thank you, instead of, y’know, calling my honesty into question.”
Remus shook his head, but found himself smiling involuntarily. “Alright, fine. Thank you,” he said. It was a nice thing to be called, even as a lie.
“So, er… friends?” James asked, sticking his hand out for Remus to shake.
“I…” Remus paused. If someone had told him at any other point in his Hogwarts career that in year 6 he’d become proper friends with James Potter, he would have laughed in their face. However, James was standing there, earnest expression, having just called him beautiful, and Remus hadn’t the heart to turn him down. “Alright,” he said with a shrug, clasping his hand in James’s. “Friends.”
James’s face split into a bright grin that could’ve outshone the sun. “Great!” he said, clapping his hands together. “So, I’ll just, er-” he took a few steps back towards the doorway. “I’ll just leave you to whatever you’re doing.”
Even after James had turned around to leave, that smile stuck in Remus’s head, like the blotch of light that sticks to your eyelids after closing your eyes. And he thought that James, for all his obnoxiousness, truly did have a heart of gold.
“James,” he found himself saying.
James stopped in his tracks and took a stumbling step back, peeking his head around the corner of the doorway to look at Remus again. “Yeah?”
“John Lennon.”
James’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Huh?”
“If you wanna impress Lily… John Lennon.”
James’s eyes lit up. “Really? Okay, yes, yes! Who is he?”
Remus shrugged. “That’s all I’ll say.”
“Okay, nevermind, nevermind! John Lennon!” James said quickly, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Yes, yes, thank you Remus! Thank you!”
James moved across the room in a flash of light and energy, and before Remus could even process what was going on he was surrounded by James Potter, a faceful of his messy brown hair and thick, Quidditch-trained arms clasped tight around Remus’s sweater. He didn’t return the brief embrace, but was given no time to fight it either. James released him almost instantly, bouncing towards the door with his hands clasped towards Remus like he was praying.
“John Lennon! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
Remus scoffed, shaking his head. He could worry about all the ways Lily was going to murder him later.
For now, all he could think about was this stupid Halloween party he’d agreed to go to tomorrow night. All he had to do, he told himself, was show up for a few minutes, make sure Sirius saw him there, and sneak back to his room as quickly as he’d come. He shouldn’t have to worry about it, but he was. Something told him Sirius wasn’t going to let him off that easily.