teenage wasteland
The exodus is here,
The happy ones are near,
Let’s get together before we get much older.
“I’ve been singing with my band, ‘cross the water, ‘cross the land, I’ve seen every blue-eyed floozy on the way!”
“We really need to get you one of those walkman things you’ve been talking about,” James said.
Sirius ignored him, scream-shouting as he rubbed crayon eyeliner under his waterline.
“But their beauty and their style went kinda smooth after a while, take me to them dirty ladies every tiiiiiime!”
“That’s so crude,” James said.
Sirius rolled his eyes in the mirror. “Like you wouldn’t say the same thing.
“I wouldn’t, actually,” James said snootily. “I only have eyes for one girl.”
Sirius scoffed. One five-minute conversation with Marlene and James was becoming some sort of women’s rights activist.
“Which girl is that again?” he asked.
James stared at him, wide-eyed. There was a flabbergasted pause. “Lily.”
Sirius turned away from the mirror to face James, smiling smugly. Understanding seemed to dawn on him at Sirius’s expression.
“Ugh, Sirius!” he shouted incredulously. “That is so not funny. She’s my soulmate!”
Sirius quite liked Lily, especially recently, and sometimes felt that she really did just want James to leave her alone. Not that he would ever say that to James’s face. What was a best friend for if not encouragement and support?
Besides, he didn’t understand Lily one bit. What was there not to like about James? He was the second-best looking bloke in the grade, nice, funny, quidditch player, awesome best friend… If he was a girl, he’d be all over that.
He approached James and looked him in the eyes seriously (ha), one hand on his shoulder, one patting down some flyaway hairs on his head. “She is your soulmate,” he said solemnly. “And she’s going to see you tonight and fucking freak and fall in love on the damn spot.”
James grinned. “And marry me and have my babies and grow old and die with me.”
“Er, sure, yeah,” Sirius said, pulling his hands back to his sides. “Now, how do I look?”
James looked him up and down, brown eyes scanning the leather jacket, Queen t-shirt, messy hair and smudged eyeliner ensemble. He met Sirius’s gaze with an approving nod. “Fucking fit, mate. The girls are gonna go crazy.”
Sirius grinned. He hadn’t been much in the mood for girls lately- quite unlike him- but still. It felt good to look good. “Fuck yeah,” he said.
James turned back briefly to the nightstand, where he’d filled up two shotglasses with firewhiskey. He handed one of them to Sirius, who drank it immediately and without question, relishing the burn in the back of his throat and the slight, pleasant buzz that accompanied it. He looked up at James, whose face was scrunched up from his own shot.
“Fuck yeah,” James said, grinning. They did their special handshake in coordinated synchronization.
James turned back to the nightstand, buzzing with a newfound energy, and picked up the two bottles of firewhiskey. “Hey, by the way,” he said, holding up the bottles. “I ripped the label off of the one with veritaserum. So, if it doesn’t have a label, don’t drink from it.”
“If it doesn’t have a label, don’t drink from it,” Sirius repeated, nodding. “Easy enough.”
James nodded along vigorously, his grin increasing in size as his nods increased in intensity. “First party of the year,” he said excitedly. “This is gonna be so good. Lily, here I come!”
Sirius shook his head with an exasperated smile. “Let’s go,” he said.
They did their handshake one more time, and headed out into the common room.
One hour and two shots later, Sirius was pleasantly drunk and making out with some girl whose name he hadn’t bothered to learn. She was a Ravenclaw- who knew how she’d even gotten in here- abnormally tall with dark blonde hair. Her looks and quiet demeanor had attracted him to her immediately, despite his earlier presumption that he wasn’t feeling girls tonight. Whatever. He’d drank a lot and was getting horny.
Three shots was a lot for an hour, but Sirius was going to need them to put up with two fucking Slytherins in his damn common room. Fucking Marlene. If that Dorcas girl turned out not to be a lesbian he was going to be so pissed off.
The blonde Ravenclaw suddenly retreated from his mouth, pulling back and furrowing her brows. He stared at her absently. The skin of her face was so clear and boring. Something about it annoyed him.
“ Aaaaare you gonna take me home tonight,” he sang, randomly, because he wanted to.
The girl furrowed her brow. “Huh?”
“It’s from a Queen song,” he said, voice tinged with annoyance. He was suddenly fed up with her and wondered why she hadn’t left now that her tongue wasn’t down his throat.
“Who’s Queen?”
Merlin save him.
The door to the common room clicked open, and Sirius used it as an excuse to get away from the girl. He turned away from the Ravenclaw as Marlene entered, followed by two girls dressed in green, and- fuck him. Fuck his damn life.
He’d seen both of these girls before. They were the ones Reggie was always hanging around. He’d never seen them so close up, but even from a distance, they were easily recognizable, especially standing near each other. They looked like pure opposites. The first one through the door, Dorcas, presumably, was dark in both hair and skin and had her hair and makeup done up boldly. Sirius would think her pretty cool if he wasn’t so familiar with the company she kept.
Pandora, meanwhile, was a wisp of a girl slipping in behind her friend, all blonde hair, pale freckled skin and a pretty face that reminded him of a mouse.
And, fuck, wasn’t she a Rosier? Evan Rosier’s sister? How the fuck had he forgotten about that? The Rosiers were total Black kiss-asses and he’d seen them at a few gatherings over the years, though they’d never actually spoken.
Pandora’s gaze met his briefly, and something angry flashed in her blue eyes before they moved on from him.
The realization hit Sirius all of a sudden- these girls probably talked to Reggie every fucking day. Merlin, did Reggie talk about Sirius? Did they know anything about what had happened between them? Had they formed opinions on Sirius based on Reggie’s testimony? Or did Reggie care so little about anything that he hadn’t even mentioned Sirius before? He wasn’t sure which option was worse.
“Motherfucker,” Sirius said, mostly to himself. “I need more alcohol.”
The Ravenclaw beside him now somehow held two shots into her hands, and nudged his shoulder, offering one up to him. He was shocked to find that she’d actually decided to do something useful.
“Merlin, thank you,” he breathed. He clinked the shotglass against the blonde’s, downed it, and tossed it aside without a second thought. He stood up from the couch, wiping his hands on his pants, and strode over to Marlene and her guests before the liquid courage wore off.
“Marls,” he said, plastering on a big, Sirius Black smile. “You fucking made it!!”
Marlene grinned back. “Merlin, you’re already drunk,” she said.
“Yup!” he said cheerfully. “Let’s get you on my level, Marls!”
“Okay, just one second,” Marlene said. She gestured awkwardly to Dorcas beside her. “This is Dorcas.”
Marlene was blushing slightly and Sirius resisted the urge to coo at the adorableness of the whole display.
Then Dorcas smiled tightly as she shook Sirius’s hand a little too hard, and Sirius remembered that this girl was a Slytherin and friends with Reggie and suddenly things were not so cute anymore. Really, Marlene had to like this girl?
“…and this is Pandora,” Marlene was saying, and Merlin, this Pandora girl fucking hated him. She didn’t even shake his hand, just waved awkwardly with a very forced smile and her blue eyes hardened into a definitive glare.
Yeah, Reggie had definitely talked some shit. And while Dorcas seemed to be willing to set it aside for her (hopefully) crush on Marlene, Pandora was looking at him with blatant hatred in her eyes.
He’d never even met her before! All this over whatever bullshit lies Reggie had fed her about him. What sort of person judges someone before even talking to them? And who the fuck even wants to hang out with someone like Reggie?? Pandora didn’t even know him, not the way Sirius did.
The whole thing was such fucking bullshit. What a bitch.
She mumbled out some bland greeting in a cold, unfriendly tone but Sirius was too busy fuming to pay any attention to it. Two could play this fucking game.
He turned back to the couch where the Ravenclaw sat. The table beside it, where she must have poured shots for the two of them, was covered in used shotglasses and two bottles of whiskey. One was half full and labeled. The other was nearly empty, with the label ripped off. Bingo.
“Come on,” he said to Marlene. He dragged her over to the table and poured two shots with the final drops of unlabeled liquor. As he lifted them dramatically, Marlene reached for one, and he jerked his hands back. “Hey!” he said. “Come on, guests first! Where’s your manners?”
He handed the shots to Pandora and Dorcas, who took them hesitantly, looking at each other with uncertainty.
“Alright, jeez,” Marlene said, apparently not noticing her friends’ discomfort. She had approached the table as well and was pouring shots for her and Sirius from the normal bottle.
When all four of them had shots in their hands, Dorcas nudged Pandora, who was staring into her shotglass with a suspicious expression.
Merlin, where did she get off? Did she think Reggie’s evil big brother was trying to poison her or something??
“Y’okay?” Dorcas asked her softly.
“Fine,” she mumbled.
“Guys,” Marlene cut in, thankfully. “It’s a Gryffindor party, not a death eater meeting. It’s just normal firewhiskey, I promise.”
Dorcas and Pandora looked at each other.
It was Dorcas who broke the uncertain silence with a shrug and a “fuck it.” She clinked her glass against Marlene’s and downed it, Marlene taking her own a moment later. Pandora followed suit hesitantly. Only then did Sirius take his, although he didn’t really want to. He was beginning to feel a bit queasy.
Oh well. The alcohol was flowing, veritaserum had spread about, and the real fun was about to begin.
Twenty minutes later and things seemed to be winding down. There were bottles and glasses scattered all over the place, students still in uniform were shedding their ties and robes and unbuttoning their shirts, and a few pairs had snuck away to snog or fuck (unfortunately, Marlene and Dorcas were not included in this group). Students were beginning to collapse onto the couch and the rug, forming a messy, scattered circle of lounging, drunken Gryffindors. This was the part, Sirius knew, that the random gossip began, and from the random gossip a party game almost always emerged. Usually truth or dare, but anything would be fun at this point with half the party hopped up on veritaserum. Most people, it seemed, were too drunk to have noticed the nature of their inebriation
Sirius plopped down on the rug next to James, who was staring into his cup with a dejected expression. Sirius nudged him. “You alright?”
“Lily ignored me,” James said sadly. “I don’t get it. Does she really hate me that much?
Sirius’s eyes sought Lily across the circle, finding her lounging on a couch with Mary MacDonald, the two of them giggling about some girl thing. Although it saddened him to see James upset, it didn’t surprise Sirius at all that Lily had rejected his advances once again. Part of him wished James would just choose a new girl to obsess over and stop torturing himself with this Lily stuff.
But that wasn’t what James wanted to hear, so Sirius wasn’t going to say it. They were best friends, and best friends support each other no matter what.
“Yes. She obviously doesn’t like you,” he found himself saying. “You need to move on from her.”
Sirius clapped a hand over his mouth. What the fuck?
He hadn’t meant to say that at all. Merlin, he really was drunk.
James was staring at him, wide-eyed and hurt. “What the fuck, Pads?” he said. “You said I looked good. You said she’d fall in love with me.”
“I was fucking lying to make you feel better.”
What the fuck? Sirius needed to shut his damn mouth.
“I-“ I didn’t mean that was what he meant to say, but he couldn’t form the words. His mind was fuzzy. What had he been thinking, taking four shots in an hour?
James looked utterly betrayed, thrown completely off guard by his best friend’s brutal honesty.
“I’m- I’m sorry,” Sirius finally managed to choke out, because it was all he could get himself to say.
The hurt in James’s eyes shifted slowly into confusion as he studied Sirius’s face. “Pads? Are you okay?”
At that moment, Caradoc, who looked a few shots in himself, stood up in the middle of the circle and shouted “heyyyy everybody,” interrupting Sirius before he could say something silly like no . Usually, he’d be annoyed that someone else was trying to usurp his and James’s roles as the leaders, but now he was only relieved by the distraction. James, however, had abandoned all his anger at Sirius for concern, and was staring at him intently with furrowed brows.
“Sirius,” he whispered. Sirius pretended not to have heard him. They could hash this out the next morning, when all this alcohol had worn off.
“Fabian!” Caradoc shouted, pointing at the boy, who sat on the rug in front of the couch with his legs stretched out in front of him. He perked up to attention at his name. “Truth or dare?”
Here we go , Sirius thought. Now it was really starting.
Fabian grinned. “Dare!”
Caradoc smiled mischievously. “I dare you… to kiss the prettiest girl in the room.”
A wave of giggles whispers swept over the room, but Fabian seemed unphased. “Easy,” he said with a shrug, and pulled the girl beside him- presumably his girlfriend, from her lack of surprise- into a kiss. A few wolf whistles sounded over the idle chatter.
Caradoc, for one, seemed underwhelmed by the results of his dare. “Come on,” he groaned. “Your girlfriend? You really think she’s the prettiest girl in the room?”
“No,” said Fabian.
There was a brief, shocked silence in which Fabian’s poor girlfriend whirled on him with wide eyes and pink cheeks. After a beat, Fabian seemed to realize what he’d said and clapped a hand over his mouth with wide, horrified eyes. His horror set off a chain reaction in the room, which exploded into giggles and catcalls. Sirius exchanged a look with James, who seemed to have abandoned his prior concern and was now grinning with delight. This was exactly what they’d hoped for.
Both Fabian and his girlfriend hopped up and fled the room like cowards as the laughter of their classmates filled the halls. Sirius scoffed. Some fucking Gryffindors they were.
The students were going to catch onto the veritaserum trick soon, he realized suddenly, if they hadn’t already, so Sirius had very limited time to make whatever move he was going to make.
He scanned the circle, and again, his eyes met Pandora’s cold blue gaze, sitting beside Dorcas and Marlene. Strange, he thought, that a girl so small and unassuming could pack so much hatred into her glare. He tried to return it, but based on her unphased look, his eyes must have been too glazed and drunken to convey any real feeling. Oh well. She had a belly full of veritaserum and he was sick of her bullshit.
“Caradoc,” he said, waving his hand around in the air. “I’d like to ask a truth or dare question.”
Caradoc seemed quite excited that the Sirius Black wanted to take part in his game and nodded humbly. “Of course.”
“I’m sure everybody noticed we have a few guest Slytherins in here tonight,” Sirius announced, and threw a hand out to where Dorcas and Pandora sat with Marlene. All eyes landed on them. Another ripple of whispers. The Gryffindors, as Sirius has predicted, did not seem pleased to have two snakes among them.
“So,” Sirius continued. “I thought we might include them in the game.”
Pandora looked horrified.
“Pandora,” Sirius said. “Truth or dare?”
Pandora shook her head. The glare was gone, replaced by a pleading, puppy-dog eyed look. Not so tough now.
“No, come on. You’re our guest. Play the game.”
Pandora’s gaze flitted about the room, the red-clad strangers with eyes trained directly on her. Tension hung in the air.
Pandora steeled herself and turned her eyes back to Sirius, and the glare seemed to return. “Truth,” she said firmly. Her voice was stronger than Sirius expected.
Sirius considered what question to ask her. He’d never ask her about Reggie, not in front of all these people. He could ask her something about being in Slytherin, or something about her family, but the answers would likely be very boring and anticlimactic. Besides, the goal wasn’t to make her spill all of her deepest secrets and feelings or anything like that. He just wanted to embarrass her a little, make her feel unwelcome. Classic humiliation was the best route to take, and it was always bound to stir up gossip.
“Who is the fittest boy in your grade?” he asked, to a chorus of childish giggles.
Pandora’s reply was instant.
“Regulus Black.”
The giggles immediately increased tenfold. Pandora’s brief stint of courage was gone, her expression having returned to horror. Her cheeks were bright red, her pale skin making her blush especially noticeable, like a terrible sunburn.
Unfortunately, the question seemed to have backfired in his face, as equal parts of laughter were directed at him , and Sirius felt his own cheeks reddening as well. Of course these immature gits thought it was hilarious that this random Slytherin had a schoolgirl crush on his baby brother. Now the whole room was thinking about his fucking family issues. Merlin, just when he thought that gossip was starting to subside.
He tried his hardest to maintain a neutral expression. She just had to like Reggie , of all people?
He wasn’t sure why the idea of a girl sweet on Reggie horrified him so- perhaps it was that you really had to know someone to like them. And what could she know? He was practically an emotionless statue these days. What the fuck was there to like? Reggie was hardly even a real person anymore.
James was looking at him with concern, acutely aware of the sensitive spot of Sirius that was prodded at any mention of the name Regulus Black .
Sirius tried to give him a reassuring smile and loosened his shoulders. He could play this off.
“Us Blacks are a handsome lot, I know,” he said, loud enough that he could be heard over the chatter. “It’s just sad your grade got saddled with the less handsome one.”
There was a chorus of laughter and a few loud statements of either protest or agreement, and in moments, the room seemed to have broken out into multiple lively discussions on who was the handsomer Black brother. Which, alright, wasn’t ideal, but at least no one was laughing at him anymore. Besides, the answer was quite clear.
Sirius smiled to himself. He’d saved his reputation, and managed to humiliate Reggie’s little girlfriend in the process. He spared a glance back in Pandora’s direction. To his surprise, and disappointment, the embarrassment was gone from her expression, and the glare was back. One again, directed right at him.
Fuck it. He smirked at her tauntingly. She was invited by his friend, in his common room, talking about his baby brother. Drinking his veritaserum liquor. What exactly was she going to do to him other than stare angrily?
“Hey!” she shouted, and her tone, bordering on hysterical, was enough to draw the room’s attention. “I have a question for you , Sirius Black, ” she spat, saying his name like it was a curse. “Why did you leave your family this summer?”
Sirius nearly laughed. Of course. It had only been a matter of time before he was asked about it directly. He knew the whole school was talking about it, he knew everyone was theorizing, desperate to know the truth, but they could keep their damn gossip. He’d never sell out his personal business for some fucking party game. If her little boyfriend Reggie didn’t trust her enough to tell her she would never get to know. Just like everyone else at Hogwarts. None of them knew the truth. None of them deserved the truth.
All of those things were what he intended to say, the thoughts that bounced around his mind as he opened his mouth to speak. The words that came out were quite different.
“I got into a fight with my mother and she nearly killed me.”
Dead silence.
Fuck. Fuck. He’d drank the veritaserum.
How, when, didn’t really matter at that point. All that mattered was that he’d drank the fucking veritaserum and he’d just spilled his biggest secret in front of his entire class.
Fuck.
The silence was infinitely more terrifying than whispers and giggles.
He glanced at James for some sort of comfort or reassurance, but his best friend looked about as horrified as Sirius was, mouth hanging open and eyes wide. He was the only other person who knew- he was there, of course- and he’d been vigilant about keeping the secret up until now. Who knew it would be Sirius himself that ended up spilling it?
The silence was finally broken by Caradoc, who still stood in the middle of the circle like some sort of leader.
“Wait, what? Holy shit,” he said. “Tell us more. What happened?”
“NO!” James shouted frantically, snapping into action. His hand shot out instantly to cover Sirius’s mouth before the answers could come spilling out. Sirius raised his own hands to clutch James’s wrist, both to add more pressure against his mouth and take some reassurance from his best friend’s physical presence.
He met James’s gaze with equally wide eyes, and the familiar face began to blur in his vision. Tears? Fuck, was he crying?
Everyone was staring at him.
Merlin, this was embarrassing. This was fucking humiliating.
“Let go, Potter, we want to know,” said Caradoc. “Everyone wants to know! Come on.”
“Fuck you, Caradoc, you fucking cunt!” James shouted.
Caradoc’s expression darkened. He stalked over to James and Sirius, hands clenched by his sides. The rest of the room watched on in silence, unsure of whose side to take. Sirius was more popular, sure, but no one was going to pass up an opportunity to get more detail on the wizarding world’s biggest story.
Caradoc grabbed at James’s arm in an attempt to pry it away from Sirius’s mouth.
“Hey!” James yelped. He seemed surprised at Caraodc’s willingness to get physical, his hand loosening against Sirius’s mouth, making enough space for Sirius to speak. Panic jolted in Sirius’s chest. James frantically used his other hand to grab of the back of Sirius’s head to get a better grip.
“Sirius!” Caradoc shouted over the scuffle. “What else happened-“
The question was cut off as James gave up on his attempts to muffle Sirius and whirled around to punch Caradoc square in the face.
The other boy collapsed back to the rug with a yelp, momentarily disabled, and Sirius seized the moment. He pushed himself to his feet as quickly as possible, pushed past James, and jumped over Caradoc, who was already getting back up and yelling about all the ways he was about to beat the shit out of James Potter.
In any other situation, Sirius would have stayed to help his best friend. But not this time.
The room spun as Sirius rushed right through the middle of the circle, his ankles twisting and turning as he stepped on the various glasses and bottles scattered on the floor, weaving between students. All of them staring at him.
He made a beeline for the boy’s bathroom, sprinting through the carpeted hallway. Finally, he stumbled through the bathroom door, vision blurry from drunkenness and probably tears, and made a beeline for the nearest stall. His skin was burning red and crawling with embarrassment, his stomach churning from the alcohol and veritaserum clashing inside it, and the only thought in his mind was a very prominent, urgent need to be rid of its entire contents. He fell to his knees before the closest toilet, shoved two shaky fingers down his throat and threw up.
It was a disgusting feeling, as throwing up usually was, but there was an instant relief that came with it as well, knowing he was getting the veritaserum out. When he felt thoroughly empty, he leaned back onto the sticky tile, panting. A few stringy pieces of hair fell into his vision, coated in vomit. Sirius made a face. Gross. The smell stung in his nostrils.
As some coherence returned to him, he realized suddenly that he was in the boys bathroom, and anyone could be in here right now, watching Sirius Black puke his guts out.
He turned around, just to be sure that he was alone, and- motherfucker.
“Er… you okay?”
Remus Lupin stood there, outside the door to the bathroom stall, looking down at Sirius uncertainly. He looked effortlessly- annoyingly- handsome, even through Sirius’s tear-blurred vision. His hands hung by his sides uselessly, like he wasn’t quite sure what to do with them.
“No,” Sirius replied, against his will.
Fuck. Stupid fucking veritaserum was still in his system.
He turned away from Remus, who was looking at him like he was some freakish creature to be studied, and shoved his fingers back down his throat. More vomit came up. Merlin, how much had he drank?
He felt a slight brush against the back of his neck as he bent back over the toilet. After another round of vomiting, his ribs sore from gagging, throat and nostrils burning, eyes stinging with tears, he leaned back again. His hair was gathered away from his face this time, like he’d pulled it into a ponytail. But he hadn’t.
He turned to find Remus kneeling on the disgusting tile behind him, tentatively holding a clump of Sirius’s wavy, vomity hair back from his face. Gross. Really nice, but gross.
Remus let go of the hair, cheeks going slightly pink when Sirius met his gaze. “What happened?” he asked.
“I drank a shot of veritaserum,” Sirius said. He winced as the words came out, still completely involuntary. How was it not all out yet? “I’m trying to get rid of all of it,” he explained as a justification for his next act.
He turned back to the toilet, fingers back down his throat. There was no way he was going to have a conversation with Remus Lupin while hopped up on veritaserum. He was sure to say something embarrassing.
Sirius let out an ugly dry heave and his stomach clenched painfully. He was distantly aware of Remus tapping on his arm frantically, saying, “Sirius, stop. Sirius. Stop that.”
Sirius spat into the toilet and turned to face Remus. “What?” he hissed.
Remus was unphased by the aggression in his tone. “You’re cleared out. Nothing else is gonna come up. Just take it easy.”
“But I still have this fucking veritaserum in me!” Sirius said, and Merlin, he sounded like he was about to cry. This was so fucking embarrassing.
“It’ll fade,” Remus said soothingly. He had a nice voice, sort of soft and raspy. “It’s in your head now. It won’t go away if you throw it up. You’ve gotta wait it out.”
Sirius stared at Remus, who was staring at him with an expression equal parts earnest and uncomfortable. He realized this must be the first time Remus actually approached him- and stayed with him- of his own volition. It was a terrible circumstance, but a win was a win, he supposed. Maybe this would make them friends.
He leaned back then, sliding down the side of the stall so he was half-sitting, half laying down against it. “Ughhhh,” he groaned.
“How the hell did you end up drinking veritaserum?” Remus asked.
Sirius covered his face in embarrassment, not even bothering to stop the words as they tumbled from his mouth like the vomit moments before. “James and I laced the liquor with veritaserum. We thought it would be funny. Some girl I was making out with gave me a shot of it by accident and I drank it without knowing.”
Remus’s eyes widened at the explanation, his jaw dropping comically. Sirius would have smirked at his expression in any other situation. It was probably the most blatant display of emotion he’d ever seen from the other boy. “Sirius,” he said finally. “You’re an idiot. Veritaserum isn’t a toy, mate. You had this coming.”
His tone was dark and chastising, but Sirius couldn’t help but get a little excited at Remus calling him his mate. “I know,” he whined.
“Why would you-“ Remus began, then stopped himself. “Nevermind, sorry. I’ll stop with the questions. It’s not fair.”
Remus not asking questions because he knew Sirius couldn’t control his answers was so awfully respectful and considerate that Sirius almost wanted to do something stupid like cry or hug him. He slid further down the side of the stall and put his hands over his eyes for a moment, trying to breathe steadily.
He felt terrible. His stomach, though empty, was still cramping painfully, and the thought of facing the rest of Gryffindor the next day, being the subject of the entire school’s gossip, was absolutely dreadful. Merlin, everyone was going to know. Reggie would hear about it, without a doubt. His teachers. It may even get back to his mother.
Everything was awful. As much as he wanted Remus to think he was cool, that ship had pretty much sailed. And his desire for comfort at the moment far outweighed his already damaged pride.
“Remus,” he said, parting his fingers a bit so he could peek through them to look into Remus’s eyes. “I’ve just embarrassed myself horribly. In front of our entire class.”
Remus smiled wryly. “It can’t be all that bad,” he said. “You’re Sirius Black.”
“That’s why it’s all that bad!”
Remus paused with a sigh, seeming to concede the point. Thankfully, he didn’t ask Sirius to elaborate on the incident.
“Y’know,” he began instead. “I’ve only ever been drunk once in my life.”
“Once?”
“Yeah. And you know what happened?”
“No.”
“Well, I was quite into this girl, you see. A very pretty girl. I’d had three shots and wanted to snog her. I’d never kissed anybody before. So we were sitting on this couch right in the middle of the party, she was leaning in like she was gonna kiss me, and I threw up all over her lap.”
Sirius barked out a startled laugh. “No!”
Remus nodded grimly. “Yes. She started crying. Everyone was laughing at me. It was awful.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“Believe it, it’s true.”
“But you’re so…” Sirius trailed off uncertainly.
Remus frowned. “I’m so what?”
Sirius paused. Surely Remus must know the sort of person he was, the sort of energy he exuded. His ruggedly handsome face, mysterious scratches, his muggle books and ugly sweaters. Never bothered by anything, never trying to be anyone but himself. He was just-
“…Perfect.”
Now it was Remus’s turn to laugh. “What? Me?”
“Yes, you! You’re so cool and you don’t give a fuck about anything and you just- ugh, whatever. Forget I said anything.” With the veritaserum, alcohol, and night’s events, Sirius no longer had the energy for further embarrassment.
Remus was staring at him peculiarly, studying Sirius like one of those books he was always reading. Sirius squirmed under the scrutiny. No doubt he looked horrible at the moment. Well, as horrible as Sirius Black could look.
Finally, Remus said, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” He leapt to his feet, like he was hit with a burst of energy.
“Er- where are you going?” Sirius called after him, but Remus ignored him, walking briskly out the door.
“Oookay,” he mumbled to absolutely no one.
In the ensuing silence of Remus’s absence, Sirius pushed himself to his feet and stumbled out of the vomity stall- which smelled foul , he was now realizing- to the sinks. He stared at himself in the mirror. His hair was a frizzy, matted mess, huge, dark rings surrounded his eyes, and a few trails of smudged eyeliner ran down his red cheeks. So he had been crying. By some miracle, his leather jacket was still intact, messy but vomit-free. Thank Merlin.
He splashed some water on his face and swished it around in his mouth, the coolness seeping into his pores and clearing the taste of liquor from his tongue. By the time Remus returned, his mind was a little clearer.
Remus headed over to the counter where Sirius stood, and it took Sirius a moment to identify the object in his hand, a plastic square and a tangled cord. He smiled at Remus, who shrugged almost shyly.
“How do we listen at the same time?” asked Sirius.
“I’ve never shared headphones before,” Remus said. “I suppose we can just… hold them between us, so one is by my ear and one is by yours.”
The idea of being the first person Remus had ever shared his walkman with sent a little thrill through Sirius. He nodded and took a few steps toward Remus, who seemed to notice at the same time as Sirius that Remus’s height, a few inches over Sirius’s, didn’t allow for his plan.
Sirius turned and hopped up onto the counter, sitting with his legs swinging over the edge so his head was in line with Remus’s. He scooched closer to where Remus stood so they were shoulder to shoulder and peered at the walkman.
Remus glanced over at Sirius briefly. “This is a cassette tape,” he said, pointing to the square object inside the walkman labeled The Who- Who’s Next. There were two circles beneath the clear plastic, with something spooled over them. “That’s the tape,” Remus said. “It has the music on it. So if you want to listen to the music, you gotta rewind the tape. See?”
He clicked one of the buttons on the side of the walkman, and the tape began to unspool, the circles spinning.
Sirius glanced up from the walkman to stare at Remus with his now-coherent mind- the pieces of dark blond hair falling into his face, the slight furrow between his thick brows as he looked down at the walkman, the light scars across his nose and cheeks. He had the sudden urge to run his fingers over them, to feel the gentle texture beneath his fingertips.
“Voulez-vous me baiser?” Sirius said softly.
“Huh?”
Sirius didn’t know why he’d said that. Maybe it was the veritaserum or something.
“Nothing.”
Remus shrugged, thankfully not asking for a translation. “So you do know French, huh?” he said instead.
Sirius blanched. “What do you mean, I do ? How would you know?”
“Just the way you talk sometimes. Your accent.”
Sirius thought he’d thoroughly suppressed the French accent; no one had pointed it out in years. “Really?”
“Yes, really. Now shut up.”
Remus held the pair of headphones up in the small space between their ears, the cord brushing against tangles of messy black and blond hair. Sirius leaned in close to press his ear against one of the soft, padded earphones, so close he was practically leaned all the way against Remus’s firm body.
Remus cranked the volume knob up and hit another button on the side of the walkman, and a bizarre electronic intro began to sound through the tinny speakers, unlike anything Sirius had ever heard before.
He leaned in closer, grabbing the earphone on his side to press it all the way against his ear. He allowed himself, for a few moments, to forget about the night’s events and whatever the next morning held, focusing only on the music enveloping his right eardrum and the warm presence against his side. Tomorrow was going to suck, but right now, things weren’t so bad.
Don’t cry,
Don’t raise your eye,
It’s only teenage wasteland.
- The Who, “Baba O’Riley”