The Gryffindor common room was lightened up by the fire coming from the fireplace. James was sitting on the couch, he was talking about his boyfriend, Regulus. Sirius was sitting on top of the armrest of the couch, while looking down to Remus who was laying on the floor, reading a book.
Peter sat on an armchair, looking at his friends. All of them looked so happy, so loved. He felt a similar feeling of alienation. He felt that often. Every time he watched his friends, it reminded him about something he could not have, something that was not meant for him.
Teenage love. That’s something Peter thought about every day. Nobody talks about how hard it is not being able to experience that. How hard it is to see everyone being in love with someone.
For Peter, it felt like there was a thin wall made of glass between him and love, it’s close enough to see it, but he will never be able to feel it. It feels like he is somewhere outside of others' world, and will never understand what it is like to belong to that world.
Everyone talks about love like it’s the most important thing in your life. What if you never get to feel that? Peter had spent many nights crying in the bed, trying to change everything about himself, to be able to feel something. Piece by piece he has ripped himself apart trying to feel love.
Not being able to feel love feels like living in a shadow. It’s cold and empty, cast by everyone else's light. Like you are not the star of your own life. You are just kinda there.
Sirius and Remus were whispering to each other, the whole room could hear it. Their voices clawed its way into Peter’s thoughts, snapping him back to reality.
“Get a room, you two, some of us here don't want to vomit!” James signed.
“You are just jealous Prongs.” Sirius grinned.
“Jealous? Please, I have your brother.” James grinned even more, Sirius gave him a deadly look, before turning back to Remus.
Peter laughed a bit, even though he felt empty in his chest. It looked like their life revolved by it- by love. It made James’ eyes sparkle when he talked about Regulus, it made Sirius smirk every time he was around Remus, and it made Remus’ cheeks turn into fairly pink every time Sirius touched him.
Peter wanted to understand it, he wanted to feel it. But he didn’t, he never had.
“Peter, are you okay?” Remus said. Peter realized he had started into emptiness way too long. “You have been quiet today.” Now everyone was looking at him.
“I'm just thinking.” He answered, not looking at anyone.
“You can talk to us, Wormy.” James spoke this time.
“I just don’t understand this. Love, romance, whatever this is what you are all feeling.” There was a moment of silence, until Peter pushed himself to keep going. “It’s not like there is something wrong with it. I just have never felt it, at all. And it makes me feel like something in me is broken” He was scared to face others eyes, so he just started his hands.
“You are not broken.” Remus said, comforting. “Not everyone feels love, and it’s okay, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.” Peter finally turned to look at his friends, Remus' gaze was soft and filled with understanding.
“Yeah mate, you are not broken or anything. Maybe you just haven’t found the right person yet. There is someone out there for everyone.” James tried to be understanding, but something in Peter snapped.
“No James.” His voice sounded pissed. “Not for everyone. Some of us are just clearly not meant to be in love.” Peter stood up from the chair. James looked at him with a shock, opening his mouth, trying to say something but not getting words out of his mouth.
“I'm tired of pretending like this doesn't affect me at all.” He continued. “Tired of hearing how I just need to wait or change or whatever I need to do to fit into that perfect mould where everyone gets to be happy and in love. That is not for me, and it will never be. I need some air.” The silence was suffocating as Peter walked out of the common room, slamming the door shut behind him, leaving the others looking confused.
“Bloody hell.” Sirius whispered after a moment.
I guilt took over James’ body. “I was just trying to help, I didn't mean it like that.”
“We get you, but sometimes the best way to help is just listening to the other.” Remus said softly.
Peter didn’t stop walking until he was on the other side of the castle. He walked in an empty corridor, leaned against a wall letting a couple tears fall down from his eyes. He felt the shadow again, this time it was darker, heavier, but somehow comforting, for the first time he welcomed it. At least in the shadow, he didn’t have to pretend.