How could someone be so self-aware and utterly stupid at the same time?
That's what Sirius was constantly asking himself.
Because that's what he was—a self-aware stupid asshole.
What other reason would he have for finally kissing someone he believes to be the love of his life than making out with someone else?
What the actual fuck Sirius.
It had taken so much to finally kiss Remus, finally, after years of their ongoing ‘will they won't they’ as James liked to call it, he did it. Then he royally fucked up.
He was the asshole; he knew that. He’d been the asshole his whole life; whether it was to fuck up a family event or to make someone who messed with him’s life a living hell, he was an asshole. He didn’t like it but started this persona at such a young age that he didn't know how to turn it off. It’s the reason he doesn’t talk to his family, well, that and other things, but still. Even if he wanted to reconnect (he doesn't), they wouldn’t want him. It’s a surprise he still has friends.
And that's up for debate right now.
After what happened, James told him he was a self-absorbed prick who needed to get his head out of his ass. But also, if he wanted to make things better, he had to try.
So he’s going to try. He knows Remus might not forgive; he probably wouldn’t, but it's worth a shot.
Why did Sirius do it?
Well, he’s not sure. All he can remember is leading Remus outside to watch the fireworks with the countdown and watching how his eyes sparkle. When the clock struck twelve, Sirius had no control over his body, and he kissed him. And Remus kissed him back. For that short time, everything felt right, like everything finally clicked into place.
Then they weren’t kissing. Sirius looked up at Remus, and Remus, well, he looked conflicted. His face flickering between disbelief and something Sirius wasn’t sure of, it looked odd on his face. That's when it hit him. Sirius just kissed his best friend. His best friend, who has never shown any interest in Sirius at all. Then Remus just excused himself. Said he needed to get a drink. Or did Sirius do that? Honestly, the next thing he remembers is a glass in his hand and waking up with a killer headache.
Oh, then James threw water on his face, and the screaming ensued. He can’t remember much of what he said, but he got the gist of it. He fucked up. He kissed someone else, a girl, right after the moment with Remus. Sirius wanted to crawl up a hole and die, why did he always do this?
No, instead, he talked to James about what happened, and James got even madder. Saying how obvious it was that Remus also liked him. Sirius, again, felt like shit.
Finally, after some talking down, Sirius told James he was going to make it up to Remus. James said he was hurt and to wait, so Sirius started planning.
Around a month after the incident, February, Sirius started anonymously sending Remus gifts, though it was obvious it was from him. The first few got thrown out, but when it was exclusively chocolate, they were kept. Step one.
Now, March, it was time for his final act. He had planned Remus’ party through James and Pete, obviously. Remus wanted it to be small, so they decided a get-together at the local bar would work.
Sirius had stayed a good distance away from the group during the small party. He went up to Remus, said happy birthday, and handed him a gift. It wasn’t much, just Sirius’ favorite guitar pick. No, the real gift was what Sirius was about to do now.
Sirius downed his shot, moved from the bar to the stage, and climbed right on top. Just by the movement, he had gotten the entire place's attention. Now or never.
“Hi, uh, I’m Sirius, and I have something I'd like to play. I write music; this isn’t my typical stuff, and I usually use an electric guitar, not acoustic, but this is important.” Sirius picked up the acoustic guitar from the stand and sat on the stool in front of the mic.
“I hurt someone, really shitty too. They're here today, and I really want to say I'm sorry. You don't have to forgive me, but I need to know that, and I hope we can talk about it, but this might be the only way I can express some of it, so here it goes.”
Sirius looked down as he started playing the cords and singing into the mic.
Weep, little lion man
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left
And waste it on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head
Sirius finally looked up and locked eyes with Remus as the chorus started
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?
Didn’t I, my-
Sirius took a deep breath and closed his eyes to hold in the tears as he strummed.
Your grace is wasted in your face
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else
Spend your days biting your own neck
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?
Didn’t I, my dead?
He looked back up and made sure that the last line was delivered straight to Remus. Remus looked struck by so many emotions. Sirius didn’t waste any time trying to analyze them since that's what got him into this in the first place. He instead thanked the crowd and ran off stage to the back.
Once he reached the backroom for performers, he felt the tears streaming down his face, but he was not allowed to cry. He did this to himself, and he said his peace, so now it's time to leave.
Sirius started gathering up the things he brought with him, just a jacket, notebook with the lyrics, and his pack of cigarettes he plans on chain-smoking once he's out of here. Then the door opens.
“Sorry, James, leaving now. Tell everyone I’ll see them some other-” He stops talking as soon as he turns around. Cause that's not James. That is the last person Sirius expected to walk through those doors.
“Remus. Hi,” Sirius sounded small, definitely not as confident as he always had been.
“Hey, Sirius. Um, that song was really good.”
“Oh, thanks. I, uh, meant it. I hope you could tell, but I did.”
Remus just stared at him for a long moment; then he stepped forward. Sirius almost stepped back, but he didn't. Remus took another step, and they were close now. Remus wasn’t looking into his eyes, though, he had his eyes downcast. He reached out and touched Sirius's hand. The sparks of just that touch went up Sirius' arm felt like enough to energize him for a millennium.
“I really want to forgive you,”
“You don't have to,”
“But I want to,” He looked into Sirius's eyes then. His hand reached up and caressed his cheek.
“I don't want to hurt you again,” Sirius admits softly.
“And I don’t want to be hurt, glad we both agree.”
“Remus..”
“Can we talk about this later 'cause you just sang the most beautiful song to me, and I really want to kiss you right now?”
“Yes.”
Remus finally kissed him. And Sirius felt that feeling of right come over him again, and he was not going to mess it up this time.
This time, he was going to love Remus Lupin with his whole heart and never stop.