The air outside was sharp with the bite of winter, but Remus couldn’t bring himself to care. The night felt endless, stretching on forever as he stood in the shadow of Grimmauld Place, his eyes fixed on nothing, just staring into the void. He shouldn’t have left the party. Tonks would be looking for him, worried, but he needed this space. Needed the distance from the pressure building in his chest.
Marriage. His own wedding was only a few days away.
It was meant to be the happiest time of his life, wasn’t it? He should have been looking forward to the future, to the family they would build. Tonks, the vibrant woman who had saved him from himself time and time again, was everything he could have ever wanted. But standing here, under the cold moonlight, all Remus could think about was the ache in his heart, the gnawing emptiness that threatened to swallow him whole.
“I’m not sure I’m good enough for her.”
The words slipped out of Remus’s mouth before he even realized he was speaking them aloud.
“I wouldn’t marry me either. A pathological people pleaser,” he muttered bitterly, the words meant for himself, but they felt louder in the night. He hated this. Hated the lie he’d been living, the lie that said he was worthy of Tonks’s love.
“You’re wrong.”
Remus didn’t flinch when the voice came from behind him. He could have recognized it anywhere. He didn’t need to look to know who it was.
Sirius.
For a moment, the world paused. Everything about Remus’s life had always seemed to circle back to Sirius, even when he tried to avoid it. Even when he convinced himself that it was too painful to let himself get too close again.
The silence between them was thick, but there was an understanding there that neither of them could escape.
“I don’t think I am,” Remus said quietly, still not looking at him. He hated how weak he sounded. How desperate. He hated the way he could never escape this deep, gnawing feeling that he wasn’t good enough. That he’d never be good enough for anyone, not even for the one person who truly understood him.
Sirius didn’t move. He just stood there, a breath away from Remus, but it felt like a lifetime.
“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Sirius said softly, his voice gentle but firm. “You don’t have to marry her if you’re not ready, Remus.”
“I do,” Remus replied, finally turning to face him. His heart clenched when their eyes met, but he didn’t look away. “I do have to. She deserves more than... than this.” He gestured weakly at himself. “More than someone who can’t even love her properly.”
Sirius’s expression faltered. There was something there, something unreadable in his gaze. But Remus knew what it was. He knew the weight of that look all too well.
“I know you think that,” Sirius said, stepping closer, his movements slow, cautious. “But it’s not true. You’re not a burden, Remus. You’re not broken.” His voice was quieter now, almost like he was trying to convince himself as much as Remus.
“I feel like I am,” Remus whispered, shaking his head. “Every day. It’s like I’m wearing a mask, pretending I’m someone I’m not. Someone she can love, someone who deserves her.” His chest tightened, and the words felt suffocating, like they were choking him from the inside out. “But it’s a lie, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending.”
Sirius’s face softened, the hard edges of his usual smirk gone, replaced by something more tender, more painful. “Stop hiding from the truth, Remus. The truth is, you’ve always been enough. You’ve always been more than enough for me.” His voice was quiet but full of emotion, and Remus felt a pang deep in his chest at the words he couldn’t seem to escape.
“You don’t understand,” Remus said, almost pleading. “I can’t love her the way she needs me to. I can’t give her the life she deserves when I’m... when I’m like this.” He gestured helplessly to himself, to the parts of him that felt like they were always falling apart, like pieces of him were missing that he couldn’t quite put back together.
Sirius closed the gap between them, his steps deliberate, and Remus froze when Sirius’s hand reached up to touch his cheek. It was gentle, a touch so soft it made Remus’s breath catch. The warmth of Sirius’s palm burned against his skin, but it only deepened the coldness in his soul.
“You’re not broken, Remus,” Sirius whispered, his voice trembling slightly. “You’re just... you’re just scared. Scared of not being enough. Scared of being too much.” His thumb brushed across Remus’s cheek, and for a moment, Remus felt like he was floating, like he might fall into that touch and never return. “But I see you, Remus. All of you. And I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
The words were a blow to Remus’s chest, knocking the breath out of him. His heart skipped, and for a split second, he forgot how to breathe. The world around him seemed to disappear, leaving only the pounding of his heart and the way Sirius’s eyes held him, unwavering, unyielding.
But even then, even as those words echoed in his ears, Remus couldn’t let himself believe them. Couldn’t allow himself to believe that anyone, least of all Sirius, could ever love someone like him.
“You don’t,” Remus said, the words coming out like a plea. “You don’t know what it’s like, Sirius. You don’t know what it’s like to feel like you’re too broken for anyone to ever want.”
Sirius’s face darkened, and the warmth that had been in his eyes began to harden, his jaw clenching with a quiet fury. “I do know, Remus. I do know. You think I haven’t felt the same way? You think I haven’t felt like I’m not worthy of love? You’re not the only one who feels like this, you know.” His voice dropped to a whisper, a crack in his usually confident demeanor. “But I’ve never stopped loving you. Not once.”
Remus felt a wave of emotion crash over him, and his chest ached with the weight of everything he had never said, never admitted. He wanted to reach out, wanted to say something, but his voice was stuck in his throat, his heart threatening to break wide open.
“I’m not asking you to marry me, Remus,” Sirius continued, his voice raw, vulnerable. “I’m not asking you to choose me over her. I just want you to see that you’re enough. You always have been. And if you can’t see that... then I don’t know what else I can do.”
Sirius stepped back, his hand falling away from Remus’s cheek, and the absence of it felt like a wound. Remus’s heart hammered in his chest, a chaotic rhythm that matched the confusion in his mind. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to feel anymore.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice barely audible. “I don’t know how to love you the way you deserve.”
Sirius looked at him for a long time, his eyes searching Remus’s face, looking for something that he wasn’t sure was even there. Finally, he spoke, his voice soft, almost gentle.
“I never needed you to love me the way I loved you,” Sirius said, his words carrying a weight that made Remus’s heart shatter. “I just needed you to love yourself, Remus.”