Skating
Regulus
The air inside the manor was oppressive and stifling, with a lingering chill that Regulus had become quite used to at this point. But after the warmth that had practically radiated from the Potter’s house yesterday, it seemed colder than ever. A fire flickered half-heartedly in the fireplace, but the warmth barely seemed to touch the walls, as if the house itself rejected the comfort that it offered. Regulus sat in one of the many stiff armchairs in the drawing room, an old leather book in his lap, but he wasn’t reading.
Instead, his thumb played with the corner of the small note he’d found wedged in the seal of his front door.
The lake behind the Potter’s house. 10 a.m., bring skates.
There was no doubt in his mind that Remus had been the one to leave him the note, though when he’d found the time to sneak away Regulus wasn’t sure.
The simplicity of the invitation grated on Regulus’ nerves. You should come, Remus had said. As though it were easy, and he could just pop by whenever he felt like it. As though attempting to step into their world didn't feel like willingly peeling back his skin.
He knew it was meant with good intentions. That was the kind of person Remus was and always had been, even when Regulus was a kid. He had never met someone that was so determined to do good. But despite the intentions being good, Regulus knew what would happen if he came. James wouldn’t even speak to him, most likely, and if he did it might be worse than if he hadn’t. Sirius would look at him with those pitying eyes, and Lily would be perfect and lovable because she was Lily.
Her very name had Regulus gritting his teeth, though selfishly he knew it actually wasn’t Lily’s fault at all. She was just being herself- it just so happened that there was no one Regulus would rather be, and well, it was rather infuriating to watch everyone around her fall in love with her at first glance.
Including James.
Regulus turned the paper over in his hands as carefully as a shard of glass, certain that it would cut him should he be careless with it. And yet that was what he wanted more than anything. To be careless. To try.
He also couldn’t shake the sound of Remus’ voice, so hopeful and understanding that it made Regulus bristle. He didn’t need someone to pity him, or whatever Remus was trying to do. But… he had to admit that it was nice that Remus cared.
That was the thought that had Regulus getting up with a sigh, standing up and pocketing the piece of paper before making his way out the door.
***
The lake behind the Potter’s house shimmered under the pale winter sun, a sheet of ice crossed with lines from skates and dusted with snow. Trees covered in frost and snow loomed large, and the sky was a bright, harsh shade of blue that had Regulus blinking rapidly for his eyes to adjust.
He allowed his footsteps to slow to a stop at the edge of the lake, boots crunching on the frozen grass as he observed the scene in front of him. The others had begun skating- Regulus was late, he knew, so he wasn’t surprised by this fact- and the bright colors of their clothes were a stark contrast against the white of the snow. Regulus supposed he wasn’t much better, in his usual uniform of all black. Already, he felt like an outsider looking in.
James and Sirius were racing across the ice, shoving at each other. Their laughter broke through the cold like sunlight breaks through clouds, and Regulus hated the way that his body seemed to pull him toward the deep sound as it spilled effortlessly out of James’ mouth. Turning away, he spotted Lily, Peter, and Remus, who skated closer to the shore with a companionable grace. Though their conversation seemed lively, it was quiet.
Envy was a familiar sting in his chest, a shock of cold so unexpected that Regulus couldn’t breathe for a moment. He didn’t know that he would ever be able to admit what seeing Sirius’ new family did to him. Hesitantly, Regulus glanced back at the way he’d come. None of them had noticed him yet- he could still leave, vanish as quickly as he’d come. None of them would know.
“Regulus!”
The name sliced through the air, and Regulus allowed himself a resigned sigh before he turned back to the figures on the lake. Remus was smiling at him, undoubtedly the one that had called his name, and Regulus cautiously approached without getting too near to the edge. Remus’ face was open and inviting as if saying I’m glad you came without actually saying it. Steadily, Regulus avoided looking at James, though he knew the older boy was looking at him as he continued to skate with Sirius.
“Don’t look so surprised,” Regulus said as he finally reached the three figures before him. Lily’s red hair looked fiery in the bright sunlight, pinned up in an elegant twist that further proved just how pretty and perfect she was. Irritation flashed through Regulus, and he found himself avoiding looking at her as well as he spoke to Remus.
“I’m not surprised. Just glad.” Remus’ voice was unwavering, and Regulus knew it was true. Remus knew he’d come, even when Regulus hadn’t, and Remus was glad he was here. But Regulus didn’t know how to respond to that, so he didn’t. Instead, he turned his attention to his brother, watching as Sirius tried and failed to keep up with James. James seemed to be showing off now, skating backward and still beating Sirius, and Regulus was positive it was because Lily had turned to watch. It was hard not to, after all- James moved across the ice with a fluidity that Regulus found maddening. It was like everything came easy to him, all the time.
“Think you can keep up, Evans?” James called from across the ice, and for once, Regulus wished he hadn’t been so right.
Lily smirked at the challenge, skating off without a second thought as she called, “I’ve always been better at this than you, James.”
Lily’s laughter trailed behind her as she skated past James, and James laughed too before he chased after her, eyes bright. Regulus’ jaw tightened and something cold and familiar lodged itself in his chest as he watched the two of them skate circles around each other. He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned away from them, back to Remus and Peter instead.
He hated how effortlessly James and Lily fit together, the way they exchanged jabs and smiles with comfort that came from years of familiarity. It was simple for them, it was easy. Regulus had never had something so… free. And nothing about him and James was easy, or ever had been. Effortless closeness was a language he didn’t speak, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever learn how to.
And worse than that, there was the memory lurking just beneath the surface, the one he never let himself think about. The memory of James’s gaze catching on his, of stolen moments before everything splintered and fell apart. Before James went off to university and everything that might have been between them was buried under miles of unspoken words and unresolved feelings.
He’d never really forgiven James for that. Or maybe he’d never forgiven himself.
***
James
James Potter wanted to hate Regulus Black. He wanted it to be uncomplicated. Instead, he found that no matter how often Lily Evans bumped into him on that frozen lake, her familiar scent breezing past him in a rush of memories, his eyes flitted to Regulus instead. The younger boy seemed to be talking to Remus, his feet firmly planted on the shore of the lake rather than on the ice itself. He had brought skates, it seemed, and yet he didn’t make a move to get on the ice even once.
There were a lot of reasons for James to hate Regulus. For one, he constantly made Sirius feel like shit and didn’t seem to grasp the fact that if Sirius hadn’t gotten out of that damn manor, he might not still be alive. Or if Regulus understood that, he didn’t seem to care. Secondly, he had been so damn rude yesterday that James had had to step out of the room to cool off. Even if he and Lily had ended things, protectiveness over her had nearly bested him when Regulus had made her leave, too. And there was the fact that Regulus always made him feel like he wasn’t good enough. James was the older one, the one with more friends, the one who had built an entirely new life somewhere else. Yet when Regulus looked at him with such… indifference, suddenly James was nothing. None of the other stuff mattered when Regulus looked at him like that. It hurt.
Part of it, James knew, was because of what had happened before he’d left for university. The unspoken tension that had choked the air between them every time they saw each other, the way Regulus had looked at him with eyes that said don’t go. Don’t leave me here.
They had never spoken about it. They had never kissed, they had never so much as hinted. But it had been there, and they had both known it. And then James had left, as much as it killed him, and Regulus had never been the same towards him since. And three years later, when Regulus had chosen to go to Whitethorne instead of the same university as him and Sirius, James had been more than disappointed. But what had he expected, really? Regulus hadn’t answered Sirius’ calls or letters for years at that point, and Whitethorne was where the entire Black family had gone before Sirius. It was prestigious, and expensive, and exactly where Regulus seemed to belong.
But despite all of that, James couldn’t bring himself to hate Sirius’ younger brother any more than he could bring himself to hate Sirius or Remus. He had a soft spot for Regulus, and maybe that was why Regulus was able to get under his skin so much.
He didn’t know why he’d called out to Lily. Actually, he knew just how much the redhead got under Regulus’ skin, so maybe that was why. Whatever the reason, the words had left his lips before he’d had the chance to think better of them. He’d seen the way Regulus’ jaw had tightened, had seen his face go cold, but James couldn’t make himself feel bad about it. If Regulus had a problem, he needed to say something. Anything. It was part of the reason James found himself picking fights so often- it was easier than listening to Regulus speak as if he hadn’t a care in the world when James knew it simply wasn’t true.
And a little part of him was captivated by the way that Regulus looked when he was angry but trying not to show it; the flushed cheeks and narrowed eyes that looked at James as if he was the only thing in the world to exist, even if it also appeared that Regulus seemed likely to burn him alive.
As James’ skates crossed over the smooth ice, Remus and Regulus’ conversation floated across to him.
“It’s easy. You have great balance- just trust your feet.” Remus.
Then, Regulus. “Trust isn’t really my strong suit.”
When James looked over his shoulder, Regulus had made it onto the ice, wobbling just slightly. It was almost amusing to see someone known for being so elegant all the time teeter so ungracefully on his skates that Remus was attempting to steady him by gripping his arm. They made their way across the ice together, Regulus slowly getting the hang of it with each push of his skates. Though his movements were still tentative, it was undeniable that he was getting better with each stride.
James forced himself to look away from the two of them, instead turning back to Sirius and Lily as he picked up the pace. “Padfoot!” He called out, circling around Sirius so fast that Sirius nearly fell over trying to watch him. “Bet I can make it to the end of the lake and back before you.”
Never one to deny a challenge, Sirius snorted, skating backward until he was at the edge of the lake. “You’re on, Prongs. You’re gonna regret that.”
A rumble of laughter made its way out of James’ chest and he skated forward so he was at the same point on the ice as Sirius. As if knowing what role she needed to play, Lily skated back and forth in front of them a couple of times to create a deep line in the ice to serve as a finish line.
“Ready?” James asked, and Sirius took off before the word was even fully out of James’ mouth. Swearing, James sped after Sirius as fast as he could, a smile on his face.
***
Regulus
He had almost made it halfway across the lake when James and Sirius flew by him in a blur.
Remus had let go of him already, and Regulus had grown more confident with each stride he took. Push, glide. Push, glid. It was almost mesmerizing, and Remus had been right when he’d said Regulus’ natural balance would help him. Regulus had picked up on it quite quickly, something that brought him a small glimmer of pleasure to know. Even so, his heart seemed to stop every time his skates snagged on small scratches in the ice or when he had to make last-minute maneuvers.
So when James and Sirius flew by him the first time without a care in the world, it was a struggle to stay upright. But when they made their way back and Regulus made eye contact with a flushed, breathless James with wind-tousled hair…
Regulus didn’t stand a chance.
His hands slammed roughly into the solid eyes as he tripped and fell, sending tremors through his forearms and to his spine. His knees collided at a less intense velocity, but Regulus could still feel where he knew a bruise would be tomorrow. The cold from the ice radiated through his bones, a reminder of the ever-present chill that lived inside him, and he allowed his eyes to close briefly.
Ouch. Shit.
The scrape of skates pushing against ice greeted his ears, and a small whoosh of wind ghosted over him as a person skidded to a halt where he’d fallen.
“Need a hand?”
James.
Of course, James had seen the entire thing. Embarrassment tinted Regulus’ ears red, and when he looked up, he was surprised to find James’ tan face to be earnest as he held a hand out to Regulus.
“No,” Regulus said, the words sharp and clipped. He ignored the outstretched hand stubbornly, and James seemed to hesitate for a brief second before he shoved his hands in his jacket pocket. Instead of leaving as Regulus expected, however, James began to skate lazy circles around the fallen boy. He lingered just out of reach, and the movement threatened to make Regulus dizzy.
“It’s easier if you don’t fight it,” James suggested, and for a moment, Regulus wasn’t certain if he was talking about ice skating or whatever unresolved issues clearly lay between them.
Regulus’ green eyes flicked up to meet brown ones, expression icy. “What do you care?”
A muscle in James’ cheek twitched at the words, and Regulus could practically see him shut down before his very eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t,” James responded sharply, and the words bit at Regulus.
“No, you shouldn’t,” Regulus snapped, sitting back on his knees so he could examine his hands. They were scraped, and one of them had left a bit of blood on the ice, but otherwise, he was relatively unharmed.
“Why are you even here, Regulus?”
The words were colder than Regulus had ever heard before, at least from James. They sent a slight chill through him, and Regulus felt himself go still before he looked back up at James.
“I mean, you clearly don’t care to get to know any of us. You won’t let any of us get close. And Sirius-” James’ words paused, and when he looked away, Regulus could practically see the frustration that pushed James’ eyebrows together. “So I don’t understand why you’re here.”
Regulus’ voice was brittle as he looked away, back down at the ice below him and the small smear of blood that was already freezing. “Neither do I.”
James scoffed, and Regulus could sense that James was looking down at him once again.
“Why do you do that?” James said finally, frustration edging his voice. “Why do you push people away like that?”
“Some people push first,” Regulus’ response was bitter, and he couldn’t help the way his eyes strayed to his brother. The words seemed to echo across the ice, reaching Sirius, and Regulus braced himself as Sirius’ spine stiffened.
“Don’t pin this on me,” Sirius snapped as he skated up. His voice was sharp, as if he’d decided he was done being the guilty one here. “You chose to stay behind.”
Regulus’ face hardened ever so slightly, green eyes stormy as they focused on his brother. “You abandoned me.”
“I didn’t abandon you.” Sirius’ eyes were blazing, frustration leaking out through his tone. “I left them.”
“Whatever you need to tell yourself,” Regulus finally pushed himself to his feet as gracefully as he could manage, doing his best to ignore the pain that radiated through his knees and the palms of his hands.
“Maybe you guys should talk-” James started, and this time, it wasn’t Regulus who glared at him, but Sirius.
“Stay out of it.”
The sharpness of the words surprised Regulus, even as he turned and skated cautiously away from the two of them. As the distance between them grew, he could hear James and Sirius continue to argue, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
***
The group trudged back toward the Potter house in silence so heavy Regulus almost felt like being back at the manor would be better. Almost.
Sirius and James hadn’t spoken yet since their argument, and Remus kept looking between the two like he wasn’t sure who to talk to first. Peter and Lily, sensing the tension, had excused themselves an hour ago. Regulus tried and failed not to be happy about the fact that Lily was gone. The laughter and lightness from earlier had vanished, replaced by a chill that had nothing to do with the frosty air.
Regulus walked with his head down, snow crunching underfoot. It was hard not to feel like this was his fault, probably because, well. It was. He’d picked fights on purpose, he knew that. James and Sirius never fought, not seriously, so this… yeah. This was on him. He felt like a splinter- impossible to ignore, impossible to remove without causing more pain.
The silence was broken as Remus seemed to make up his mind on who to talk to first, speeding up just slightly to catch up with Sirius. Sirius had been leading the group, far ahead of everyone else as they picked their way through the trail in the woods. As if on cue, James fell back to match Regulus’ pace. Regulus wondered vaguely if he even realized he did it, or if he just didn’t want to feel like he was walking alone.
They continued to walk in silence for less than a minute before it seemed like James couldn’t stop himself. Regulus could see himself working up to it- it seemed like James was struggling against his better judgment, until finally, he murmured, “You don’t have to fight with everyone all the time.”
James didn’t look at him when he spoke, so Regulus kept his gaze on the ground. “Maybe I do. Maybe it’s… easier.”
The admission was quiet, barely audible, and Regulus wished he could take it back almost immediately. But he’d always been able to talk to James, whether the words were guilty, mean, or… or scared. James was the only one where the words just sort of spilled out.
“Easier doesn’t mean better,” James said, and when Regulus looked up, stormy green eyes met rich brown ones.
It’s easier this way, James. Regulus’ voice from years ago echoed through him, knocking the wind out of his lungs.
But not better.
When Regulus didn’t reply, James let out a soft sigh, looking away from the younger boy. Regulus got the distinct feeling he’d let James down.
“Come to mine for Christmas, okay, Reg? Please.” Without waiting for an answer, James picked up his pace to meet Remus and Sirius. And though he knew that he was probably going to apologize to Sirius, something in Regulus ached as he watched James walk away.