Bang a gong (get it on)
The air outside was biting, a reminder that October was settling in with its usual chill, and the warmth of the Gryffindor Tower was a welcome escape. Remus pushed open the door to the dormitory, having just come from a walk around the Great Lake, having thought it would help with the stiffness in his hip. It didn’t.
Inside the dormitory, the usual scene greeted him. Peter was sitting on his bed, fiddling with a pastry, crumbs already scattered across his blanket. Remus grinned as he kicked off his shoes. "You know, you’re going to be sleeping in that, right?"
Peter looked up, startled, and quickly brushed at his bed. "I—I wasn’t eating on the bed," he mumbled, his face flushed with embarrassment.
Remus snorted. "Sure, Pete. Just don’t be surprised when your pillow tastes like jam."
The sound of bantering voices came from the bathroom. James was clearly harassing Sirius, the words muffled through the closed door. It wasn't long before Sirius’s voice rang out, followed by James's laughter.
Remus raised an eyebrow. "So, what’s all this about?"
Peter, now focusing entirely on the pastry in his hands, shrugged, clearly not interested in the conversation. It was then James came bounding out of the bathroom, leaving the door behind him cracked, and went to lean against his bed frame.
“Tonight’s the night, boys,” James said dramatically, looking at both them. “Tonight, I finally kiss Lily Evans.”
Peter snorted, still fiddling with the pastry, his eyes never leaving it. “Yeah, and then she slaps you. That’s more likely than a kiss, no matter how much firewhiskey she’s had.”
“Not tonight, Wormtail,” James said confidently, looking over at Peter with a wink. “Tonight’s the night she finally sees me, properly. And when she does, I’ll be irresistible.”
Just then, the bathroom door creaked open, and Sirius stepped out. Remus's eyes immediately flicked toward him—and his heart skipped a beat.
The first thing he noticed was the shirt. It wasn’t the usual tousled white button-down, but a black Bowie T-shirt, emblazoned with the famous star's face in stark contrast to the darkness of the fabric. Remus blinked, a bit taken aback. It was a casual choice, yet something about it was… striking.
Then, his eyes fell to Sirius’s face, and his breath hitched.
Sirius was wearing eyeliner.
Remus felt the heat rise in his cheeks before he could even process it. His palms began to sweat, his stomach doing a strange flip that he tried to will away. He had never, not once, seen Sirius wear eyeliner before—never in their entire time at Hogwarts. And yet, here Sirius stood, looking like something out of a dream. The eyeliner was dark, but subtle, emphasizing the sharpness of his eyes. The combination of the shirt, the makeup, and his messy hair... Remus couldn’t help but think that Sirius looked effortlessly, heartbreakingly beautiful.
His mind scrambled, a mix of panic and admiration swirling inside him. He wanted to say something, anything, but the words were stuck somewhere between his throat and his chest, lodged there by the sudden rush of feelings he hadn’t fully been prepared for.
Sirius caught him staring and gave him a knowing smirk, as if he'd noticed Remus’s wide-eyed silence. "What?" he teased, his voice light, with that typical Sirius swagger. "Do I look that good, Moony?"
Remus’s face flushed a deeper shade of red, and he quickly looked away, hoping Sirius wouldn’t notice how hard his heart was pounding. “You look… uh, fine,” he managed, voice cracking slightly. “Like a Muggle rock star or something.”
Sirius laughed, a grin spreading across his face as he moved further into the room. “Thank you for that amazing compliment, Moons.” He tossed his leather jacket over his shoulder and leaned casually against the wall.
James, still standing near his bed, shot a glance between Sirius and Remus, clearly noticing Remus’s oh-so-obvious panic, but saying nothing. “You look great, Pads,” he said, a sly grin spreading across his face. “Definitely going to steal somebody's attention with that.”
Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Well, I was planning on stealing Lilys attention tonight” His smirk turned wicked as he glanced at James. “You know, I think you’ve got competition.”
Remus felt his chest tighten at the idea of Sirius going after Lily, the new, subtle pang of jealousy surprising him. He looked away, focusing on Peter, who was still picking at his pastry, entirely unaware of the banter.
James shot back, still unbothered. “Oh, I’m sure she’s already got her eyes on me. But don’t worry, Pads, there’ll be enough attention for both of us.” He glanced between Remus and Sirius, again, eyes glinting mischievously.
Sirius just smirked. “Now where have you hidden the booze Potter?”
Sirius’s behavior was back to normal. He was bouncy, witty, so unlike his demeanor at the beginning of October. And beginning of September. He had never revealed what was in the letter from his parents.
When they’d found him, after his sudden departure, Sirius had been alone, a half hour after receiving the letter from his parents. The three had followed him up after they finished eating, and found Sirius in their dormitory sitting on the windowsill, puffing on a cigarette. His back had been to the room, the dim light of the late evening casting long shadows across the floor. James had approached him carefully, his usual confident demeanor faltering.
“What was the letter about, Pads?” James had asked, his voice low, tentative.
Sirius had shrugged, barely sparing them a glance as he took another drag from his cigarette, the smoke curling lazily around his head.
The room had gone quiet. Thick, heavy silence had pressed in on them. Peter, unsure how to handle it, had gone over to his bed, his movements awkward, and shut the curtains around him. It had been as if he were trying to block out the tension.
James had lingered, standing a little too close to Sirius, but Remus had remained at the door, not quite wanting to intrude.
Then, just as James had moved to place a hand on Sirius’s shoulder, Sirius had shaken him off, abruptly jumping up from the windowsill. His face, which had been dark and eerie only moments before, had suddenly lit up in a wide, almost exaggerated grin. Remus had caught the shift immediately. It was forced, too bright to be real, and Sirius hadn’t made eye contact with anyone.
"Some bird from this morning, from Slytherin" Sirius had said, like it was a slur, his voice taking on an exaggerated enthusiasm that made Remus want to wince. "She approached me, gave me a love letter. Can you believe that?"
The family letter conversation had ended there, just as quickly as it had begun. Remus had known the sudden change in Sirius’s demeanor had been purposeful. He had chosen to deflect, to turn the conversation away from whatever had really been bothering him. And Remus knew—he could always tell—that Sirius wasn’t ready to share what was really on his mind.
And so, the Marauders found themselves spending their Friday evening loitering in the dorm room, waiting for the Gryffindor party to kick off. It had been Peter’s idea—or maybe Marlene’s, Remus couldn’t quite remember—but someone had suggested throwing a Halloween party, despite it only being the middle of October. Predictably, the older Gryffindor students had latched onto the idea with enthusiasm, seeing it as yet another excuse to shirk responsibilities and indulge in the usual chaos that came with a good party.
—----------------
At an undetermined hour, Remus found himself squished between Lily and Emmeline Vance, both of them perched on the edge of the Gryffindor common room's plush armchairs. The group of sixth-years had gathered in a loose circle in front of the fireplace, the flickering flames casting soft shadows on their faces. The room smelled faintly of butterbeer and something sweet, a heady mix that swirled in the air with the lingering scent of warm, spiced cider.
Someone had charmed an old record player to repeat itself endlessly in the background. Bang a Gong (Get It On), came on, (Sirius had said, in third year, that this song quote “had the cleverest lyrics of any muggle song around). Remus closed his eyes for a moment, letting the music wash over him, the groovy rhythm smoothing out his tense muscles. The ambiance was perfect—relaxing, comforting, with just enough noise to drown out the outside world. He felt comfortably buzzed, the edges of his worries dulled by the alcohol.
Marlene and Sirius were bantering animatedly about something, the sound of their laughter punctuating the music. Remus wasn’t really listening. His attention was half on them, half elsewhere, his mind drifting to the soft warmth of the fire and the gentle pressure of Lily’s shoulder against his. The conversation around him was a blur of lighthearted teasing and the occasional laugh, but Remus found himself more focused on the feeling of being here—alive, surrounded by friends, away from the weight of his own thoughts.
Lily, with her usual quiet wit, was engaging in some kind of back-and-forth with Emmeline. Remus opened his eyes, only to immediately stare at Sirius, who was across from him in the circle. He was leaning back against the couch, hair tousled from the earlier chaos of the party, his mouth curved into that familiar mischievous smile as he laughed at something Marlene said. His eyes twinkled with that familiar, fiery spark that always made Remus’s heart do something strange, like a flutter, or perhaps a quiet thud.
"Moony, you alright there?" Lily's voice broke through his thoughts, her sharp green eyes watching him with a knowing gaze.
Remus blinked, feeling the blush creeping up his neck. "Yeah, just… tired. Long day," he muttered, hoping his voice didn’t betray him. He cleared his throat, shifting slightly in his seat.
Emmeline, who had been quietly watching the exchange, raised an eyebrow. "You sure about that?" she asked, her tone light but with a teasing edge. "You look like you’re about to fall asleep on us."
“I’m fine," Remus replied quickly, forcing a smile. "Just… thinking."
"About Sirius?" Lily teased, her voice low enough that only the three of them could hear.
Remus stiffened for a split second before letting out a short, nervous laugh. "No, not about him," he said, his words coming out too quickly, too defensively. He cast a glance at Sirius, who was still talking animatedly with Marlene. "Just... it's nothing."
Lily raised an eyebrow, not buying it. "Well, whatever it is, you’re clearly not as good at hiding it as you think, Moony."
Remus chuckled weakly, feeling the heat in his cheeks intensify. He wanted to say something, anything, to steer the conversation elsewhere.
James, like always, was his saving grace. With his usual dramatic flair, he stood up, clearing his throat and raising his arms theatrically. "Ladies, gentlemen, rodents, and mammals!"
Lily, who had been sipping on her drink beside Remus, snorted at his theatrics. Remus couldn't help but smile, his gaze flicking to her for a second before returning to James, who was now looking even more pleased with himself.
“I say that we end this beautiful night with a lovely game of—” James paused, making everyone lean in expectantly. He shot a mischievous look around the circle, waiting for the tension to build.
“Well, drumroll please!” James exclaimed, causing a few of the others to start tapping the ground, their hands making quick, rhythmic beats in sync with the anticipation.
“Spin the bottle!” James finished, throwing his arms up triumphantly.
The room went quiet for a split second before everyone groaned in unison.
“Spin the bottle?” Lily raised an eyebrow, her voice tinged with both amusement and disbelief. “Isn’t that a bit childish, Potter?”
James clutched his chest dramatically, feigning offense. “Childish? No, never!” he exclaimed, looking absolutely affronted, though his eyes sparkled with mischief.
Fabian Prewitt, who was standing beside James with his arm casually thrown around his twin brother Gideon, grinned widely. “I think that’s a wonderful idea, James,” he said, his voice full of mock seriousness.
Sirius, who had been quiet until now, suddenly burst out with a loud, dramatic cheer. “I absolutely agree!” he shouted, his grin wide enough to light up the entire room. “I think it’ll be brilliant fun!”
Remus rolled his eyes but couldn’t suppress a smile. The last thing he wanted to do right now was play a ridiculous game of spin the bottle, but the chaos and laughter that followed James’s antics were hard to resist. Everyone was drawn into it, whether they wanted to be or not. And, for all his brooding and self-control, Remus had to admit that a part of him was excited—especially when he saw Sirius’s grin, mischievous and unrestrained. He was glad his Sirius was back.
His Sirius? Merlin, Remus had had too much to drink.
“Well, I guess we’re playing then,” Remus said, raising an eyebrow at James, who was already clapping his hands together in excitement. "This is going to be interesting."
As the group settled into the circle, the energy grew more animated. People shuffled around, making space and laughing as they organized themselves.
Marlene, who had taken it upon herself to initiate the game, conjured a bottle out of thin air with a flourish, sending a small spark of light up from her wand as she set it down in the middle of the group.
“So,” she said, her voice laced with playful mischief, “Spin the bottle kiss, or spin the bottle swig?”
Fabian piped up immediately, his grin infectious. “Why not both?”
The group went quiet for a moment, eyes flicking between Fabian and the bottle. Remus felt his stomach flutter uneasily, not quite sure where this was heading.
“Both?” Remus echoed, raising an eyebrow, his heart racing a little faster. He didn’t exactly know what to expect from this twisted version of—well—their version of this game. Fabian just shrugged, the grin still plastered on his face.
"Both," Fabian said, rolling his eyes as if the answer were obvious. "You can choose kiss, or you chicken out and have to drink."
Remus wasn’t sure whether that made him feel better or worse. The idea of kissing someone—anyone—seemed utterly foreign to him. But the thought of drinking something that would likely make him feel more out of control wasn’t exactly appealing either.
Sirius, never one to miss an opportunity to add his own flair, finished Fabian’s thought. “A shot of this lovely bottle I smuggled at the beginning of term,” Sirius said, suddenly producing a half-empty bottle of firewhisky from behind his back. He took a dramatic swig, his eyes twinkling with mischief as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “You know, just in case anyone’s feeling a little too shy about the kiss option.”
The group laughed, but Remus felt a mix of dread and curiosity. Sirius was looking at him now, and though Remus couldn’t tell if it was intentional or not, there was something in his expression that made Remus’s heart skip a beat.
Marlene was the first to go, and the bottle spun, clinking faintly against the stone floor as it picked up speed. The game was about to begin, and Remus could feel his palms growing clammy.
The bottle spun with an almost ominous energy, its rhythm building in intensity as it made its rounds across the circle. Everyone's eyes were glued to it, watching the little glass object slow down. When it finally landed on Peter, he froze, his face turning a shade of red that rivaled Lilys hair. Marlene, unable to contain her amusement, laughed out loud.
Marlene stood, her movements slow and teasing, clearly ready to make her way to Peter for a playful kiss. But before she could even take a step, Peter reacted faster than anyone expected. In a panic, he snatched the firewhiskey bottle from Sirius’s hand and, without hesitation, took a long, deep swig.
The room erupted in laughter. Remus could barely hold back his chuckles as he watched Peter’s red face turn into something resembling a mixture of relief and embarrassment. Marlene, feigning hurt, dramatically flopped back into her spot with a playful sigh. She bumped Mary's shoulder as if to emphasize the betrayal, and they both laughed together.
“Missed out Wormtail,” Sirius said through his own laughter, clearly amused by Peter’s sudden embarrassment.
Once the chaos died down, the game continued. Mary spun the bottle, and she had to kiss Gideon, who was still beside James. As she stood to make her way over, Remus couldn’t help but notice the way Mary hesitated for just a second. But she eventually gave in, walked over to him, and kissed Gideon quickly. He seemed pleased with himself, grinning like a cat that had caught a mouse. Mary returned to her spot beside Marlene, wiping her mouth dramatically, much to the group’s delight.
Remus leaned back, watching the game unfold. It was odd to him, how something so simple could feel so charged. He’d never really played games like this, but there was a certain excitement in the air, an energy that felt almost contagious. Still, he wasn’t quite ready to throw himself into the chaos.
Next was Dorcas Meadows, an honorary Gryffindor since fourth year, who had a reputation for being as bold as she was charming. The bottle spun and stopped—this time, it landed on Marlene. Dorcas wasted no time. She stood, walked over to Marlene, and then, in a move that had the group cheering before she even touched her, she knelt before her and kissed her dramatically on the lips.
The cheers that followed were deafening. It was hard not to laugh at the scene, and even Remus couldn’t help but smile at the absurdity of it all. Marlene sputtered.
But then it was Sirius’s turn.
The room fell silent for a moment, and Remus watched as Sirius, ever the showman, dramatically flicked his hair back, a smirk tugging at his lips. He spun the bottle with far more flair than necessary, clearly enjoying the attention he was getting. Remus held his breath, watching the bottle as it slowed, his heart thudding in his chest.
It landed on Mary.
Mary, seemingly nonplussed, crossed her arms and sighed dramatically. “Not again,” she muttered. “This is getting unfair.”
But Sirius was unfazed. With a look that could only be described as amused and a little too confident, he gestured for Mary to come closer.
And she did, but not in the way Remus expected. Mary didn’t just walk over; she crawled, slow and deliberate, toward Sirius with a look on her face that made it clear she wasn’t about to let him off easy. The group cheered in anticipation, waiting for the kiss.
Sirius reached out, his hands lightly cupping Mary’s face, and he kissed her.
The moment their lips met, Remus felt something in his stomach twist. It wasn’t nausea—not from the alcohol at least—but something sharper, deeper. He had expected to feel detached, maybe even amused, but the sight of Sirius kissing Mary left him feeling sick in a way that had nothing to do with the firewhiskey in his hand.
The kiss wasn’t anything spectacular, just a fleeting moment in a game that everyone else seemed to take lightly, but Remus couldn’t shake the feeling of his tightened chest.
Sirius pulled back, looking smug, and the room erupted in laughter and teasing. But Remus couldn’t bring himself to laugh. His heart was pounding, and he was doing everything he could to keep his expression neutral, trying to ignore the way his hands suddenly felt cold. It wasn’t supposed to bother him. He told himself it didn’t. But deep down, Remus knew the truth: it did. And he hated himself for it.
Remus finished his drink in one gulp.
—----------
A little while later, after his turn, where his bottle had landed on Lily, Remus was a shot deeper and much drunker. The warmth of the firewhisky still burned in Remus's chest as he stepped away from the common room, through the portrait hole. For the first time in a while, things had felt normal. He had been surrounded by friends, laughing, and not thinking too hard about the complex, tangled mess of his emotions. The past few weeks had been a mix of small victories: Sirius had apologized, properly, as he should have. The tension and anger from the summer seemed to have been swallowed up by time, and while, yes, Remus had spent the term with a gnawing sadness, he found himself, since the second moon of the term, slowly pulling free of it, looking ahead.
But as Remus walked down the quiet corridors of Hogwarts, his feet dragging with a slow, measured pace, the weight of it all started to settle in. The sharp contrast between the carefree party atmosphere and the lonely silence of the hallways made him feel exposed. His head was still buzzing with the noise of the game, the echo of laughter lingering in his ears. But under that buzz was a familiar, unnerving tightness in his chest. His hands were shaking.
Sirius had apologized, and Remus had been able to forgive him, fully this time. at least on the surface. He had worked so hard, so relentlessly, to rebuild his friendship with Sirius, to remind himself that it had to be just that: friendship. But the reality was that it wasn’t that simple. It hadn’t been simple since the end of last term when Remus had finally realized, with a painful clarity, that he was in love with one of his best friends.
He had known it would complicate things. He had known the moment it hit him that it would be a struggle. But Remus hadn’t anticipated the overwhelming weight of it. It wasn’t just a crush anymore, not something he could brush off easily. It had been growing for years, blooming quietly in the back of his mind until it became an undeniable ache. And now, every time he looked at Sirius, every time they exchanged words, he couldn’t ignore it. Couldn’t ignore how he wanted more.
But he had to stop himself. He had promised himself that he would be content with the friendship they had. He had convinced himself that he could let go of the feelings, bury them deep, keep Sirius at a safe distance. But tonight—tonight it had hit him in a way it hadn’t before.
Watching Sirius kiss Mary had been like a punch to the gut. The sight of him with someone else, someone so easily slipping into his space, was too much for Remus. And in that moment, all the jealousy he had been keeping under control came rushing to the surface. The jealousy wasn’t just about Mary or the kiss—it was everything. It was the way Sirius looked at everyone else, the way he was so effortlessly charming and carefree, and the way he could make Remus feel like he was floating, only to crush him with one careless glance at someone else.
It felt like a constant cycle of wanting and restraint. Every time Remus thought he could put it behind him, something like tonight would happen, and all the old feelings would come rushing back. And he hated himself for it. He hated how weak he felt, how easily he could be broken by a few moments of misplaced affection from Sirius.
But there was nothing he could do. Nothing he could say. Remus kept walking, the cold stone of the hallway making his steps feel heavier with every step. He had to get away. He had to be alone with his thoughts for just a few minutes, just long enough to try to talk himself out of everything he was feeling.
As he rounded a corner, his thoughts a tangled mess, Remus heard quick footsteps behind him. He stiffened. He didn’t need to turn around to know who it was.
Sirius.
"Moony," Sirius’s voice called out, low and hesitant. “You okay?”
Remus’s heart skipped. He stopped walking, but didn't turn around. He couldn’t. Not now. Not with everything crashing down in his mind.
“Yeah,” Remus said, his voice betraying him. It came out strained, tight. He couldn’t tell Sirius the truth—not tonight, not ever. “I’m fine.”
There was a pause, and Remus felt Sirius’s presence right behind him, close enough that he could feel the warmth of his body. He didn’t turn around, couldn’t bring himself to look.
“Remus…” Sirius started again, and Remus could hear the concern in his voice. But it felt like too much. Too much to deal with.
Remus shook his head, trying to push back the ache in his chest. He took a deep breath. “I just need some space, okay? I’ll be fine.”
Sirius didn’t respond immediately. Remus could feel him standing there, just behind him, but he didn’t look. He couldn’t. It would be too hard.
“You can talk to me, Moons,” Sirius said, his voice quiet but insistent. “Why’d you run off? We were having fun.”
Remus sighed, feeling the familiar rush of frustration well up inside him. He wasn’t in the mood for this conversation, especially not now, not with everything still tangled in his chest. “I was having fun,” he muttered, his gaze fixed on the stone floor ahead of him. “But I just… for a second, I just...”
Sirius’s tone softened, but it didn’t sound any less confused. “You just what?”
Remus clenched his fists at his sides, fighting back the urge to snap. He could feel Sirius standing just behind him, too close. He could almost feel breath on his neck. “Nothing, Sirius. Just… leave it be.” He finally turned his head slightly, his voice barely above a whisper. “You’ve been following me around like a lost puppy recently. You don’t need to. You can’t. I’m fine”
Sirius’s breath hitched, and Remus could imagine his expression instantly shifting from concern to offense. Remus could feel the shift in the air, the tension that suddenly crackled between them.
“What did you just say?” Sirius’s voice was sharp, laced with surprise and something else—hurt, maybe. “I’m following you? Like, what, a stalker? That’s how you see it?”
Remus didn’t turn to face him, but he could feel the heat of Sirius’s gaze burning into his back. His heart hammered in his chest, and he suddenly felt exposed. He hadn’t meant it like that, but the words had slipped out anyway.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Remus muttered, but his voice was thick with the frustration he couldn’t quite shake. “I just… It’s just been a lot lately, okay?”
Sirius’s frustration was palpable, even without him saying a word. He could hear the sharp intake of breath as Sirius took a step forward, finally closing the distance between them. Remus didn’t look up, didn’t move, but he could feel Sirius there—close enough that the air around him seemed to grow heavier. A hand found its way to his back.
“Moons,” Sirius’s voice was quieter now, but it held that same edge of hurt. “If something’s wrong, you don’t have to push me away. You know you can talk to me, right?”
Remus felt a tightness in his throat. He wanted to say something, wanted to explain, but the words felt like they were stuck somewhere deep inside him. All he could manage was a quiet, strained breath.
“Just… just give me some space, okay? I need it,” Remus said, his voice shaking slightly as he spoke. "I need space…from you. Okay?."
Sirius didn’t reply immediately. The silence between them was thick, pressing down on Remus’s chest, making it hard to breathe. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Sirius let out a quiet sigh.
“Alright,” he said softly, stepping back. “I…see. That’s how it is.” His voice dropped a little lower. “I thought you had forgiven me”
Remus didn’t respond. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Sirius’s footsteps retreated, fading into the distance. Remus stood there for a moment longer, his heart pounding in his chest, before he let out a long, shuddering breath and continued on his way.
The silence was deafening now.