Sirius has always been able to tell when people were hiding things. It was just one of the things one had to learn being a part of The Noble House of Black. And the thing is Remus has been hiding something for a while now, Sirius just can’t seem to place his finger on it. It had started a random night in the kitchens where Remus for once since getting sick had actually talked to Sirius. It had made them feel close again, but as if Regulus Black once realizing what had been said he’d quickly closed himself off again resorting to stuffy medical talk.
Not that it hadn’t been helpful of course. As soon as Sirius found a moment alone he’d googled all the words he could remember. It sent him spiraling down a rabbit hole of misdiagnosed patients, probably made up diseases and reddit accounts but he thinks he found some useful things. Because the thing about Sirius Black is that he loves loudly, he supposes that’s why he ended up in Gryffindor unlike the rest of his family. He just isn’t capable of loving someone quietly from afar. It doesn't seem possible. Yet he’s seen it again and again in Narcissa, in Regulus, even in Bellatrix. And so when Remus started slipping Sirius doesn’t think he’s the one to blame for getting himself involved.
“I’m fine,” Remus snapped, baring his teeth.
Sirius backed away putting his hands up in mock surrender. The first couple times this had happened he’d been hurt, but like he said, he’d learned a few things from his reddit rabbit hole. One of them being that Remus might be especially snappish on high pain days. Of course nowhere in his research had Sirius found records of POTS patients being in pain unless this came from other chronic illnesses such as EDS but that didn’t mean Remus couldn’t have emotional pain days, right?
“I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”
Remus goes quiet for a second and Sirius can almost see the series of insults that pass through his mind before Remus purses his lips and turns away.
“You can talk to me, you know that right?”
Apparently it’s the wrong thing to say. Though as of late everything seems to be the wrong thing to say. They’ve been arguing for hours. Well not arguing it’s more or less Sirius doing his best not to yell as Remus repeatedly walks away from him.
“I thought you were done hiding things, you said you were going to talk to me from now on!”
Remus nearly rolls his eyes. “Obviously, I was lying. I didn’t tell you shit.”
The world breaks, tilts on its axis, and then freezes all in the same second.
“What?”
The word leaves his mouth as a whisper, yet it holds weight and makes Remus freeze.
“I spent hours doing research which I hate, so I could try and understand you better so we could actually talk about what you’re going through only for you to stand here and tell me that all of it was a lie!” the words are burning in his throat and somehow the burning sensation travels up to his eyes. Sirius bites the inside of his cheek to keep himself from crying.
“That’s not–” Remus sighs “It’s difficult to explain.”
“I don’t care, explain it to me in whatever way you can. Just talk to me, please.”
Sirius has begged a total of three times in his life, now four. One when his mother had first used the cruciatus curse on him, the second when his mother first used it on Regulus, the third when he left, begging his brother to come with him and now for Remus. The only difference now is that Sirius doesn’t even know what he’s begging for. He’s not begging him to stop, he’s not begging to be chosen first. He’s just begging. He feels helpless, almost like he’s on his knees but he’s not. He’s been raised better than that. Instead his feet are planted firmly onto the ground, his back straight as a rod and his eyes filled with tears that he refuses to let fall.
“I don’t know how,” are the words that Remus finally manages to get out and Sirius clenches his hands into fists.
Fine, he thinks. That’s fine. Everything is fine. Remus doesn’t have to tell him anything. It’s not like he loves him or anything. And then it hits him. Harder than the Hogwarts Express probably. Sirius loves him. He loves him so much he’d tell him everything, has told him everything. Everything but this. And maybe that's why it hurts so much. Because Sirius has barred his soul to this man only to get nothing in return. And Sirius is used to his love being one-sided, he’s a Black afterall. He just never expected it to come from Moony, his Moony.
“Tell me,” Sirius demands, the words coming out choked and hoarse.
“What?”
“You said you don’t know how, well I don’t give a shit. Tell me.”
“I don’t know how!” Remus screams, finally turning to face Sirius.
“And I don’t care!”
Sirius takes a couple steps forward and takes Remus’ face into his hands. “Just talk to me, please.”
Remus pulled away, taking a few steps back and leaned on the counter. It’s funny how they both somehow ended up in the kitchen, in the same place where everything started it’s about to end.
“Do you know why I don’t tell you anything?”
Sirius scoffed “No.”
“Because sometimes I get tired of being sick and I just want to pretend I'm not. So when you ask me how I am I’ll leave that part out. It’s not about you Sirius, this is about me. That’s why I’ll tell people I’m fine when I actually need to be on bedrest. That’s why I don’t talk to you about any of this, it’s why I don’t talk to anyone about all this.”
“But, I’m not anyone Moony and you know that.”
Remus looked down and turned in on himself almost as if Sirius’ words had burned him, when he looked back up his eyes were filled with tears.
“You’re special to me, you know that?”
“You’re special to me too, Moony.”
Remus smiled softly “I’ll find the right words for you I promise.”
“And I’ll be here when you do.”