Chapter 1
The Scientist
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
– Coldplay, The Scientist
- The M-word
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I’m not interested.’ Lily stood in her nightgown, her copper curls framing her delicate face. Goosebumps were creeping up her bare, folded arms.
‘I’m sorry!’ Severus’ voice was pleading.
‘Save your breath.’ Her features were lovely as ever despite the frown. ‘I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.’
‘I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just –‘
‘Slipped out?’ Her voice was cold and hard. ‘It’s too late. I’ve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends –
At this, his gaze fell to his shoes.
‘– you see, you don’t even deny it! You don’t even deny that’s what you’re all aiming to be! You can’t wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?’
He opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking.
‘I can’t pretend any more. You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.’
‘No – listen, I didn’t mean –‘
‘– to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?’
He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous look she turned and climbed back through the portrait hole.
Severus slumped against the wall and let his hair fall over his face.
‘Idiot, idiot, idiot,’ he hissed dejectedly. He let himself slide to the floor and hugged his bony knees, gritting his teeth, and pressed his knuckles against his eyes to force the tears back in.
‘You can’t stay here all night, you know,’ the Fat Lady called haughtily. ‘You’d better go back to your own dorm.’
‘Oh, shut up.’
‘Well, pardon me!’ she huffed and turned her back to him.
The cold flagstones made him shiver. The Fat Lady was right. Sleeping at the entrance of the Gryffindor Tower would only serve to pile more ridicule on himself. Oh, if James bloody Potter slept in a cold corridor to sway Lily’s heart, he would be deemed noble and romantic. But he, Severus Snape, would only be a laughing stock – as if the incident that day hadn't been enough. He stood up and returned to the Dungeons, hating himself more with every step.
As he reached the Slytherin common room, he noticed two students huddled by the fireplace.
‘My father reckons the Dark Lord will rid us of all that Mudblood filth for good once he establishes his rule,’ Mulciber sneered. Avery snickered in assent.
Severus flinched as if he’d be stung by hot embers. The boys were too engrossed in their conversation to take any notice of him.
'Round them up and finish them off, Father says,' Mulciber continued. 'The likes of McDonald or Evans –'
‘What about Evans, or McDonald for that matter?” Severus barked.
Two heads snapped around and he felt hot and prickly under their glare.
‘C’mon, Severus. We all know you’re soft on Evans, but that doesn’t change who she is, mate. Mudbloods have nothing to do among us. They should not even exist, if you see what I mean. But don’t worry, once the Dark Lord is in power, he might let you keep her as your little toy –‘
'NO!' Severus' yell was as much a surprise to him as it was to his fellow Slytherins. A cold rage gripped him and he launched himself at Mulciber, only to meet the bigger boy’s fist. He felt blood, sticky and warm, running from his nose.
‘Careful, Halfblood,’ the other wizard growled. ‘People like you are hanging by a thin thread too, in my books.’
Wiping his nose with his sleeve, Severus spat defiantly on the floor and stormed off to the dorm, throwing himself on the bed. His mind was in turmoil as he watched the greenish light dance on the ceiling.
Mudbloods were inferior, right? Impure, tainted.
No. Not Lily. She was the most talented witch he knew. She was worth ten Mulcibers, ten Averys. And what was that about rounding people up and finishing them off? Was that really what it was all about? It couldn’t be. They were just idiots, the Dark Lord was smarter than that, surely he would see talent in someone like Lily...
When he finally fell asleep, he found himself immersed in horrifying visions. A group of teenage witches and wizards were chained to a wall, their robes ragged and filthy. The word Mudblood had been crudely carved on their foreheads. The witch furthest from him looked like her fragile body might snap under the strain of the taunt chains. Her copper curls fell before her face, concealing her features, but he knew her frame, her hair – ‘Lily!’
He woke up covered in icy sweat.
The following day, all fifth-years headed to the Potions classroom for their O.W.L. exam. Severus brewed his Draught of Peace to perfection but felt no sense of achievement. Once they were dismissed, he hurried over to Lily. She was surrounded by Gryffindor girls, and as soon as she spotted Severus' advancing figure, she turned her back and strode down the corridor with her friends without a second glance.
The last week of term went past in a blur. Whenever Severus tried to approach Lily, either Gryffindors formed a living wall around her, or she pointedly avoided him.
Soon the time came to board the Hogwarts Express back to King’s Cross. Never had Severus felt so alone. His outburst against Mulciber and Avery had spread among the Slytherins, who now avoided him contemptuously. Not that he cared anymore, he just tried to keep out of people’s way. As for Lily, she had made a point of sitting with the self-proclaimed Marauders.
Severus sat in an empty carriage at the back of the train, his forehead pressed against the window, watching the green hills roll past. He replayed his last conversation with Lily over and over in his mind, thinking of what he could have said to make amends. Yet, it all came down to one thing: he should never, ever have called her a Mudblood. Waves of self-loathing washed over him. He buried his face in his arms, choking back sobs.