Pain. Nothing else, but never ending pain, crippling down into Remus' body.
It was the last thing he remembered of that night, it covered every single part of his body, mind, and soul.
It happened six months ago, or maybe five, or seven. Maybe all of it slammed into one patch, or maybe it never happened, or maybe it was still happening.
The pain never dried out after everything, yet at the same time after nothing at all. Nothing happened, no one got hurt, and at the same time everything turned into shit, everything was over. Crack of his father, and of Sirius' betrayal became one. He was all alone once again. No, saying that would mean someone was at some point by his side. In the end Sirius was never by his side.
„Moony?” James asked through the crack of the doors. Funny, after that night cracks always followed him. „Mom is asking if you want hot chocolate”
„No.” he said sharply. James and Sirius were interconnected, letting one in means the other gets inside too. And he could never, ever let anyone in again. Being alone is painful, but losing yourself in someone else was so much worse.
„If you ever change your mind…please come downstairs” James sighed „I also mean us, we miss you”
Remus didn’t answer. It wasn’t fair to James, or Peter, and definitely towards Euphemia, but damage was done, nothing could change how everything was after June. Bitterness only grew, darkness became comfier, and time split into passages. Minutes became seconds, and days at the same time. Summer became spring, but also winter. Life became death.
Remus was slowly disappearing, the more time it passed the foggier it all got. People stopped coming up to him, meals started shrinking, and ink seemed to run out faster. One time he wrote Memento Mori on a desk, or so he thought, maybe ink ran out, or maybe he dreamt of it. At the same time it seemed to be too real to just be a dream.
Time slows down when I am with you Remus.
It wasn’t a revelation for Remus that his fucked up way of persciving time was to Sirius’ blame, even before the whole shit show with Snape it started to be a problem for him. Sirius Black who never stopped to look back, to give you second thoughts, to question himself. He was a vampire, he sucked, and he never stopped until he had enough, and when you were dead, he still wasn’t done. Remus was his entertainment, and he would give everything, sell each part of his soul, his body to be used by him every single time, in every single universe.
Snape finding out, telling everyone and destroying him was one thing. Being broken down, destroyed, and betrayed by his best friend, by a person who was first to accept him, and understand him was another. And that wasn’t even why it was all so tragic, so ironic. He would find a way to go back, to be with, to never escape from Sirius was why he couldn’t go back.
He was pathetic, weak, self destructive. It didn’t get sadder.
You could either do it to yourself, or others do it for you.
Oh that wasn’t it. Sirius was thousands of things at once, knives cutting through your back, I love you sent into the air, burnt candles, dried flowers, bitter fruits. Sirius could kill him, Remus would come back. Of course he was destructive, of course that was what Remus fell in love with. There is no who. There is no Sirius Black to exist in his mind, there is only darkness cutting through himself and his shelf.
Maybe you could talk to McGonagall? Maybe she would say something, do something…
It was all fucked up, sad, annoying, and to pity. And he knew Lily pitied him, how sad, how broken, how alone he was. He was always like that, it all seemed like a plot tied into destroying him, into cutting him off from everyone. How was it that Lily did not know how he was? Or who he was? It was too late to give him pity, or doubt, not after knowing him for this long.
You ever thought they cared? About you? About your anger, your attitude, your rotten, broken insides, or your messed up self? You softened Lupin, did you become everything your father thought of you? A werewolf destroying everything it finds itself in proximity of?
He hated his voice, his deep shoved self. No one was to blame, no one to cry to, the little tiny voice deep inside, lying on a little island was him, rotten, spoiled, so proud of being this way. Without any of them it wouldn’t grow, it wouldn’t have something else to use for. Or maybe he was deep inside the mind of the voice, thinking he is his own self, while being a mere reflection of hate that built him.
“Are you okay Remus? Do you need anything?” asked a calm voice.
Marlene. Over the past half a year he grew almost unhealthily close to her. There was nothing special, no specific compliments, no check ups, no overly nice build up of her personality, she just was there. She didn’t treat him differently, she didn’t pity, she didn’t look concerned, worried, she never pushed for anything, she was there for him, and wanted to give him space to heal.
“Can you close the door?” Remus asked quietly
“Sure thing hun, you want to talk?” she sat next to him “Or should we just sit? I can bring you hot chocolate, or tea, or any-“
“God, you’re so awfully caring, and understanding” he laughed through tears “No it’s fine we can just sit, your presence is more than enough, especially now”
“I told you that you’re a big softie inside, right?” he nodded “Oh I would’ve forget I have something for you”
“Oh Marls, you didn’t have to…” Remus sighed
“I know, I wanted to! Now open it!”
It was a little fountain pen, carved with his initials, with golden details all over the place.
“No silver? Wh-“
“We know Remus. It’s okay, but you could’ve told us,” she smiled “I know I said some things, but when you’re friends with someone you should try to be better. When you care about others you do it whether you want it or not, it all happens subconsciously…Oh that’s not it, look further”
Leather notebook, filled with circle based paper, Merlin knows how Marlene caught that he liked writing in this style the most. No one ever saw him this close, or so he thought.
“I know you’re mad at Sirius, but I kind of thought you’d still like it, it reminded me of both of you”
Remus took out little star/moon necklaces. The amount of details, carved initials, and oh…was it the drawing he and Sirius drew at a random page?
“Both of you started to draw this when you did a prank, or in a classroom you were alone in, or any space you found free, and it still seemed like something personal and important to you, and I just thou-“
“Don’t explain yourself Marlene,” Remus was on the verge of crying “it’s all so perfect I wouldn’t want it any other way, it’s also bloody impressive how much you notice, how did you know I only write in paper like this?”
“I thought you would be mad honestly…” he looked confused “I just mean it was so personal, and you and Sirius…”
“I’m not mad at him” he started “Not anymore at least, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that after everything, I was still betrayed, left alone, left to pity by everyone, and…and because I still love him, I still would let him do the same, still would let him walk all over me. It’s sad, exhausting, and I can’t let myself lose inside of him again”
“Ooh Remus…you’re not a burden to anyone, not to me anyway,” she whispered “if they think so, if they treat you like this fuck them…but you can’t lock yourself inside of a room for the rest of your life”
“I know, but it’s easier like this, easier to be hurting, easier to be alone, than to face anyone…not after this much time”
“Do you want to do this with me?” she asked calmly “I didn’t say it would be easy, but maybe pain is worth what is after, don’t you think”
“Sun comes after the storm, as they say, even if storm lasts forever”
“Do you want to go now?”
“I think I’ll stay for a while here” it was so much smoother, so much easier now “But could you bring me hot chocolate, and maybe…”
“Ask Sirius to come? Sure thing hun” she kissed him on a forehead
Sometimes it’s a thought, sometimes it’s a ray of sunshine, and sometimes it’s just unconditional support, with a space to heal, with a place to be, and just exits. Remus didn’t know when it switched, when he was able to talk about his feelings, when he let himself be. Breathing became lighter, thoughts clearer, and touch of others so much more comforting. Maybe it all happened in between classes and cigarettes at an astronomy tower with Regulus, or studying with Marlene, nonetheless he hung onto it, especially when it got worse in the year's foreword.
“Moony? Can I come in?” said familiar voice “Marlene also said to bring you this”
“Come in Pads, and put it over there” Remus pointed to little desk by his bed
“Shit I’m so so sorry, no that is not enough, there is nothing to be ever enough, I shouldn’t be here now, I shouldn’t ever waited for this, I don’t deserve, I’m a terri-“
Remus closed it with a kiss. He missed him, his little ramblings, excitement, wolfish eyes that always reflected everything who Remus was and what he had, and how passionate Sirius was. He missed their little talks, secretive looks, and smiles they shared after the full moon.
“I don’t want you apologizing Sirius, enough time passed so that I could process it” he touched the necklace “But I also don’t think I can fully forget, or yet forgive you, it still hurts, it stings…and I still need time to heal. I’m coming back, but my love I can’t go back to you, not fully, not yet”
“Oh…yeah okay, Remus,” Sirius sighed sadly “Do you still need time? Or are you coming back?”
“I think…” he stopped. “I think I’ll give myself time, space for today, but I’ll see you tomorrow. You can tell everyone I know you want to“
“Oh and Remus?” Sirius asked standing by a door “I love you”
“Love you too” he whispered, with almost no voice to it. It was exactly how they used to do it before the…well before the everything
One click, two breaths, three sips, four thoughts, five lost months. Pain again. Rejection. But maybe pain won’t last forever, maybe pain will blur, will become something that is visible, something that can be held, something that does not eat you alive, but something that building, and overtime creates a better, calmer, more sympathetic universe you live in. Universe that comes within you, and is always changed by you.