Regulus glared out the window as another siren blared down the street, momentarily filling the dark room with the glow of flickering red. James twitched in his arms, giving a noncommittal groan before resuming his soft snoring. Regulus released a sigh of relief. His boyfriend was far too light a sleeper to be living this close to a hospital.
Somebody better be dying. Regulus thought, petulantly.
He scolded himself for the comment. This, he supposes, is why he’s awake so late in the first place.
Regulus isn’t a good person.
He’s known this his entire life. It’s not something that’s been verbally drilled into him, his parents much preferred different forms of abuse, but rather something he’s always known. In grade school, he’d stand by friends he didn’t care about as they bullied kids whose names he didn’t know. In secondary school, he’d stand by his parents as they cut Sirius out of the family, out of his life. He’d avoid his attempts at reaching out, he’d step up in the ways Walburga wanted in a desperate attempt to replace him. He’d stand by complacent as the people he was surrounded with festered with hatred and spit vile comments about people he knew did nothing to deserve them. Most of the time, he didn’t even really care. Regulus had enough problems of his own, why should he stress himself worrying about the honor of others.
He was out now. Away from those people, away from his parents, reconnected with his brother, however shaky their relationship may be. But he still harbored a shadow in him that wouldn’t ever leave.
Regulus would kill.
He’d kill for James, for Sirius, for any of the few friends he’s found himself with over the past few years. He feels less bad about the feeling when it comes to those like Barty and Evan, because he knows that the feeling is returned, the morality unquestioned. But with James, he doesn’t doubt that the notion would be unsettling at best and horrific at worst. Despite this, he would. If it was between James and someone else, Regulus would not hesitate.
So, Regulus isn’t a good person. Maybe some of it is his own twisted self hatred, coming to conclusions in his head after a fucked up childhood, but some of it was just true. He’s been shitty. And he’s trying now, has been for a while, but it’s nights like these where he thinks he’ll just continue to be shitty and there’s not much to be done about it.
And frankly, Regulus would be fine with that. But James deserves better.
Glancing down at the sleeping man, Regulus can’t help but think that he isn’t sure what he did to deserve him. The answer is nothing. There is no accomplishment in Regulus’s life near worthy enough to deserve the love of James Potter. It often kept him awake at night, the deep seated feeling of guilt that felt like lead in his stomach. The notion that he had somehow been given something good and pure, and he was going to poison it like he always did. James often reassured him, and for a while it would work. But then Regulus would start thinking again and the spiral would resume.
He wanted to be better for James. He was trying so hard to be better. Because he’d realized that when it came to James, there was nothing Regulus wouldn’t do.
Another siren zoomed by, this time followed closely by a second and then a third. Regulus cursed them as he felt James stir.
“Reggie?” His voice was deep and graveled from sleep.
Fuck.
James had woken up and noticed Regulus was still awake, blinking away the sleep from his eyes as they swept across his boyfriend’s face.
“Reggie, what’s wrong?”
Regulus let out a deep sigh. This wasn’t the first time James caught Regulus awake in the dead of night overthinking. He wished it was. Unfortunately, it had happened enough that Regulus had learned it best to be honest. Vulnerable. He hated that. Vulnerability was not something that came easy in his bloodline. Alas, for James… Anything for James.
“I don’t deserve you.”
It was a quiet omission, but the silence of the room made Regulus feel like he had screamed it. This also wasn’t the first time he had admitted that to the man cuddling into him, but it’s what he was thinking about, so he repeated the sentiment. Maybe this time James would take it to heart, believe him and leave.
Instead, of course, he placed a light kiss on his shoulder and tightened the arm slung loosely around his waist.
“You are worthy of love, Regulus.” He spoke gently, reaching his spare hand up to gently stroke his hair. Despite the words feeling wrong, Regulus relaxed into the touch.
“I just-” He started again, biting himself off to stop himself. They had spoken about this before and James had to be tired of repeating the same argument for the sake of assurance. James simply moved his hand lightly to his face, caressing over his bitten lip so Regulus would let go. “I just want to be good for you. I’ll do anything. I just want to be good for you and I’m scared I never will be.”
He was silent for a moment before taking a short breath and continuing.
“I’ll be whatever you want.” Regulus whispered the confession, eyes searching his face as he awaited a reaction to his vulnerability. It wasn’t easy for him. It never had been. But this, especially, was new. Different. Everyone always seemed to think he was so sure of himself and his decisions. But really, he did everything he could to please those who mattered. He’d do anything for it. His entire life, everything he was was for someone else. Sirius was the only person who saw him for the coward he really was. He had called him out on this numerous times, mostly with venom, spitting it into his face with rage, but sometimes in a plea, begging him to live for himself for once.
James' expression softened, scanning his face with such care Regulus felt like his skin burned with the attention. James gently took the boy's face into his hands, brushing his cheekbones with the pads of his thumbs. Regulus closed his eyes, leaning into the feeling as if it might slip away.
“Love… All I want is for you to be you.” James spoke softly but earnestly, and looked at Regulus with such intent that Regulus felt he might melt. He squeezed his eyes shut again, a feeble attempt to control the emotion squeezing through his throat, but James quickly moved his thumbs to smooth out the tension, whispering quiet reassurance. He sighed, relaxing his face but keeping his eyes closed.
Whatever you want.