How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?

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How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?
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Peace be a song.

Inej
Kaz pointed to the map he had spread on the ground with the tip of his cane. “Our goal is Erebor. From what I’ve heard, it’s filled to the brim with gold.” 
To anyone else, that might’ve sounded uncertain and shady, but Inej knew Kaz had probably done weeks of research on this. 
“There’s also the dragon, of course, but we’ll burn that bridge when we get there. We can’t pass through Gondor or the Gap of Rohan, seeing as they’re quite strict with law enforcement, so we’ll take the longer route through Eriador, and then over the Misty Mountains.”
 Inej noticed Wylan had started frowning again. He seemed to do that a lot, but she honestly couldn’t blame him. This was a lot to handle, especially for someone who had never experienced Kaz when he was out for money. 
Inej pointed to a spot on the map. “So we’re at the Bây of Belfâlâs.” Kaz nodded. 
Inej pondered the road they had to go for a bit, her eyes flicking between Kaz’ bad leg and the map. Kaz didn’t seem to notice. Or pretended not to. 
Just when Inej was going to say something about the excessive amount of walking, Jesper pointed to a wagon with a beautiful brown horse pulling it, that was standing a few metres away from them. “You don’t happen to know anything about that, would you, Kaz?” 
Kaz almost looked smug. Of course he’d managed to get a wagon in a place where he shouldn’t even be. 

Kaz and Inej climbed onto the front of the wagon, while Jesper and Wylan sat in the back. Inej hoped they wouldn’t bash each other’s heads in; she liked Wylan, despite his moodiness, but Wylan and Jesper seemed unable to stand each other. There had been a lot of glaring and awkward bumping into others in an attempt to avoid each other during the thirty minutes they had spent in Middle-Earth so far. 
Inej didn’t have time to worry about the boys’ well-being for long, though, because she was soon far too busy driving the wagon and soaking up the view. 
They were keeping the river, which was an extension of the Bây of Belfâlâs, to their left, and it was the loveliest shade of turquoise Inej had ever seen. Most rivers in Kerch had been polluted long ago, and were of an undetermined, nasty brown colour. 
In the distance, behind the river, Inej could see the green hills she’d noticed when they’d first set foot in Middle-Earth. She would’ve loved to go there and wander in those hills, but they wanted to cross the river and get to the mountain pass by nightfall.
Inej breathed in deeply and enjoyed the silence, merely interrupted by birdsong and the sounds they themselves made. 
They hadn’t seen anyone for hours, not since they left Miss Carter, and Inej felt very much at peace. She could see the riverbend and something inside her moved at the realisation of where she was and what she was doing. She secretly adored these adventures, and all the places she got to see because of them, though she would never admit it.

They arrived at the place where they’d cross the river, right beside where it bended sideways and went on up into the mountains. 
Jesper got up, stretched his legs and walked towards the river. “How exactly are we going to do this?” 
Inej stood next to him and inspected the depth of the water. She guessed the riverbottom was about 1,5 metres down. 
The four of them could all walk or swim to the opposite shore, but the wagon wouldn’t make it. Inej looked at Kaz and saw something in his expression harden, like he was preparing for battle. 
She turned back to the river, took a deep breath, and waded into the icy water. 
Jesper cut the horse's reins so it could roam these wonderful lands freely, and went in after her. Wylan followed quickly. 
When Inej was about halfway through, she couldn’t feel most of her body anymore because of the freezing water, which felt like a thousand tiny daggers were dancing through her veins. 
She turned around to check on the others. 
Kaz was still standing on the shore. When he noticed Inej looking at him, he squeezed his eyes shut, stepped in the water, and was at the other side in way less time than it should’ve taken him, what with the slippery stones and his leg. 
Inej and Jesper looked at each other and leapt after him. They clambered onto the shore, soaking wet and freezing, and stumbled over to Kaz, who was standing with his hands on his knees, taking deep, heaving breaths. He looked like he was going to be sick. 
“Kaz?” Inej said carefully. “Are you okay?” 
Kaz’ head immediately shot up. For a split second, Inej saw his face, wrought in pain and something else, before he shook his head and turned around. 
“We’ll have to go on foot from here.” He stated. Inej heard Wylan sigh deeply behind her. 
She suddenly got hit by a wave of exhaustion. “It’s getting dark. Maybe we can stay here for the night?” She offered. Kaz nodded, still a bit absentmindedly. 

While they were gathering wood for a fire together, Inej rattled to Jesper about the lovely views, and the nature, and the river, and the hills, and when she had discussed all of Middle-Earth, she went on about the sea and the ship. She could almost reproduce the way the salt had tasted, and the sea had sounded, and the wind had felt when it whipped her hair around her face and almost blew her out of the mast. 
Jesper didn’t say much, but it was a good silence. He was just letting her talk, enjoying listening to her. 
Suddenly, Inej went quiet. 
Jesper looked up from the mushrooms he had been picking -Jesper knew a surprising lot about foraging- and gazed around. 
Inej slowly, cautiously moved her hand to her belt, where she kept most of her daggers. Meanwhile, she listened carefully. 
Jesper was holding his guns. 
Inej could see nothing near them, but something could easily be hiding in the darkness. 
Then, she heard it again. So did Jesper. 
The crackling of fire. 

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