Private Thoughts

Neville leaned against the cold stone wall of the Astronomy Tower, the winter wind biting at his cheeks. Theo stood beside him, close enough that their shoulders brushed, but far enough that the space between them felt cavernous.

It had been weeks since their arrangement began—weeks of stolen kisses and heated touches in shadowed corners. Theo had made the terms clear from the start: no feelings, no strings. And Neville had agreed, foolishly thinking he could keep his heart out of it when he had so clearly already given it to the sly wizard.

But now, as Theo lit a cigarette with a flick of his wand, his profile illuminated by the moonlight, Neville wondered how much longer he could keep pretending this was enough.

Hurried touches and passionate snogging were the only things keeping Neville from absolutely losing his mind throughout the entire ordeal. His hands were on Theo, roaming his body, inch by inch, every time he was able to get close to him. It was not enough. It was never enough. Neville had begun to think of himself as a fool for even mentioning their agreement in the first place, and yet the rising blush on Theo’s neck  every time he would read Neville’s thoughts as they passed each other in the corridors, made everything worth it.

A large hand gripped Neville’s arm tightly and yanked him to the side as he was suddenly enveloped by the darkness of a supply closet, that was quickly followed by a pair of hungry lips and a scent of mild petrichor and pine. A smile graced his lips as he kissed the mystery man back. His arms slowly enveloped the thin waist in front of him before he pulled away slowly, wanting to confirm who his kidnapper had been.

“You know…you could have just told me you wanted a snog after herbology instead of practically kidnapping me.” Theo could hear the smirk in Neville’s voice as he whined softly at the feeling of lips leaving his.

“This is entirely your fault.” a kiss to Neville’s cheek. “If you hadn’t insisted on thinking…” a soft yet needy kiss to his neck. “You really need to stop thinking. More kissing.” Theo practically panted against the taller mans neck. 

“Darling if I stopped thinking, we wouldn’t be having a quick shag in a supply closet.” A soft chuckle left Neville as his hands continued to explore every inch of Neville’s body as the young lord slowed in his hastiness to get his lips on Neville.

They had never used pet names before. Why must he ruin everything. Then again, Neville didn’t really ruin anything at all. A shiver ran down  Theo’s spine at the sweet term of endearment. Flashes of his mother and her lover happily calling each other by loving names graced his mind before quickly disappearing as fast as they came. He liked the name. He wasn’t supposed to but he did. And that scared him.

“Darling breathe…you need to breathe.” there it was again. That blasted name. Theo slowly pushed Neville away, his hands barely able to stop shaking as he placed them on Neville’s chest. 

“Don’t call me that. You promised this wouldn’t be anything more.” He could barely lift his head to meet Neville’s eyes. He soon had no choice, however, when a hooked finger was placed under his chin and he was forced to lift his head. 

“It’s not. It’s just a word Theo. You’re not the first person i’ve called that.” 

Oh.

An ice cold chill ran down Theo’s spine as he thought about the words that had just left his partners mouth. No wait. They weren’t even partners. They were nothing.

Why did that hurt so much more than it was supposed to?

Theo shouldn’t care about whether or not Neville went around calling other tramps ‘’darling. It was none of his business really. And yet why did it hurt more than his fathers cruciatus.

“I–I need to head to head to herbology…” It was a pathetic excuse really. Not even an excuse at all apparently, seeing as he gained an amused snort from the tall Gryfindor.

“We just came from herbology Theo…” Neville’s hands tightened on Theo’s waist for just a second before softening his grip when he realised that the snobby little slytherin had gone quiet and was now refusing to look him in the eye. Theo had turned off his brain. It was as if he could hear the entire castle. All those thoughts coming in all at once. The serenity and peace he felt whenever he was with Neville now felt like a cyclone of thoughts and emotions attacking him from all sides. It was suffocating. He wrenched himself out of Neville’s grasp and quickly made his escape, leaving Neville behind, confused and hurt at his sudden departure.

It had been a week since Theo fled from his encounter with Neville. Theo hadn’t been spotted anywhere in the castle since then. It was as if he had completely disappeared, which was impossible since he was almost always in class. He never reacted to Neville’s thoughts either. It was as if he had completely shut him and everyone else in the school out of his mind.

It was driving Neville crazy. He knew that Theo didn’t want anything more than sex but he could never understand why he had just started to ignore his existence completely. It was as if they had gone back to being complete strangers. And it felt absolutely horrible. 

Neville had decided that it was time to go looking for Theo, whether he wanted to be found or not. His first plan was to go ask Harry if he could borrow his map. That turned out to be a fluke since Harry wouldn’t part with the damn thing for even a second. It was like sixth year all over again. His second plan involved talking to the Slytherins. That wouldn’t be too difficult, Neville was a charming young man, he had already charmed most of the other eighth  years with his new personality and suave flirting. How hard could asking a couple of Slytherins where their friend was, be?

“Go fuck yourself Longbottom” Neville’s smile dropped a tad when Pansy gave him a lazy drawl as she sat next to Draco in the common room and painted her nails. The two Slytherins were all alone in the common room, Theo no where in sight and the rest of the house were out and about or simply hanging out in the dorms.

“I beg your pardon?” pansy gave a snort and nudged draco in the shoulder with her foot as she continued to lounge on the sofa, earning a hefty eye roll from the blonde as he paid her no mind and continued to read.

“Look Draco, a Gryfindor has finally found himself some manners.” she gave a small giggle before turning to look at Neville with a perfectly trimmed and arched brow. 

“Pansy please. I just need to know where Theo is.” Neville practically pleaded with the girl before turning his head at the soft scoff that came from Malfoy. 

“Well he’s clearly avoiding you, so I beg to ask. What exactöy did you do to our friend which has got him avoiding you like the dragon pox?” Malfoy’s eyes never left the pages of his books once as he spoke to Neville. 

“I don’t know! Which is why I need to find him. Preferably today.” Neville had the urge to scream and roll his eyes and throw something all within the same breath, but he kept calm and waited for the two Slytherins to tell him where Theo was currently hiding.

“Last I saw, he was heading to the astronomy tower with Michael Corner wrapped all cozy up around him” It was as if she knew exactly how Neville would feel after hearing what she had said. The astronomy tower had become their spot. It was where they had their late night talks. It was their place for soft stolen kisses. The place where they could be and act like any other couple and not think about this twisted agreement which had wrung them by their necks. Neville wasn’t a violent person, he was kind and caring and that was exactly who he wanted to be and keep being. Except right in this moment, all Neville could think about was how he wished he could transfigure Corner into a beetle and crush him under his heel for even daring to think about Theo in that way. The way Neville thought about Theo. The way Neville had always thought about Theo.

“Yeah…thanks for that.” He could barely manage to squeeze out the words that had caught in his throat before he made a quick exit and headed find his friends. He needed to get his mind off of things. If Theo wanted to move on and be with someone else then fine. Neville would find someone else to try and be happy with.

“Why would you mess with him like that. You know that Theo’s only working on an extra credit thing with Corner. You really shouldn’t meddle like that.” Pansy simply gave a scoff at Draco’s scolding. It wasn’t her fault that Neville had decided to hurt her best friend. He should have known not to mess with a Slytherin in the first place.

“Oh please~” pansy rolled her eyes and admired her nails before continuing. “It’s his fault for messing with Theo’s heart and also Theo needs to learn not to push people away because of something so small. Anyone with a brain can see how infatuated he is.” she gave a pause, as if thinking about the whole situation “Everyone apart from himself that is.”

Draco simply shook his head and stood up before turning to face Pansy. “You’re only going to make things worse Pans.” Pansy rolled her eyes again as if she had been born with her eyes permanently stuck to the back of her head. “As if you have any right to judge. You and Potter are just as helpless.” Draco released an undignified squawk as he clutched his book to his chest as a dark blush rose up his neck and enveloped his face. He didn’t dignify her with a reply as he simply rushed off to the dorms leaving Pansy with a satisfied smirk plastered on her lips.

Neville had no trouble finding someone new the next day, he was practically draping himself across the poor girl as he flirted and touched her in ways which he was only allowed to do with Theo. As if his heart hadn’t already been crushed by his own doing, seeing Neville in front of him, having already moved on so quickly brought a bitter ache to his chest. Theo would have never lowered himself to public displays of vulgarity like Longbottom had been displaying all throughout breakfast. Theo could only blame himself for the way he was feeling. This was a good thing. Theo hadn’t wanted anything more than a physical relationship. So why did it hurt so much to see Neville wrapped around some stodgy Hufflepuff.

“Gods I want to touch you. I want to feel your skin against my lips.” There it was again. The deep and soothing comfort of Neville’s voice, filling Theo’s head and drowning out all the other thoughts in the great hall. He allowed himself to glance up briefly. Just to see if Neville had been thinking of him and not her. His heart only shattered into even smaller pieces when he realised that Neville hadn’t even lifted his gaze from the girl. Not even for a second.

The rest of the Gryfindors began to rise from their seats. It was a saturday so most of the Eighth  year students had probably planned to go to Hogsmeade after breakfast. Theo watched as Neville planted a passionate kiss on the Hufflepuffs’ lips. His stomach twisted into a giant knot and he wondered if his breakfast would make a second  appearance. Theo didn’t miss the quick glance Neville had sent in his direction before his entire group headed towards the doors. His arm hung loose around the girls shoulders as he walked and whispered in her ear. They looked like the perfect couple.

Theo excused himself from the table and hurried back to the dormitories. The door made a loud bang as he slammed it shut behind him. He marched straight for his trunk which lay at the base of his bed. The top flew open as Theo began to dig through it, throwing out any and all belongings which he had secretly taken from Neville throughout the weeks in  which they had been with each other. Sweaters, shirts, pants, even socks were thrown on the floor. If Theo had stolen Neville’s trousers then he was sure he would have a complete outfit made up of only Neville’s belongings. They still smelled like him too. Like fresh coffee in the morning, earthy with a sweet scent of apricots. Once he was sure he had removed everything, Theo turned to the pile of clothing and pointed his wand at it. A whispered incendio and the clothes went up in flames. It didn’t take long before Theo actually realised what he had done. He put out the flames and slowly sank down to his knees. 

What was he thinking? He was acting like a lovesick fool after having his heart broken. It was as if they had broken up. But how does one break up if they were never together in the first place. Theo sat himself on his bed and stared at the pile of burnt clothing on the floor. He was the heir of a noble wizarding house. Heirs did not go around burning stolen clothing items of dormmates. It was ridiculous. Frankly, it was simply humiliating.

The loud bang of the door hitting the wall shook Theo out of his thoughts as he glanced up and was shocked to see Neville practically seething in the doorway. Neville’s voice was sharp as he stepped into the dormitory, slamming the door closed behind him. “Do you even care?”

Theo didn’t look at him. How could he? He sat on the edge of his bed, his hands steepled as if in thought. “What are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” Neville snapped, his chest heaving. “You’re fine with sneaking around, with acting like this means nothing. But it’s not nothing to me, Theo. You were off with Michael Corner for Merlin knows how long after our last trist and then i get absolutely nothing from you for almost an entire month!”

Theo’s shoulders tensed, but his voice was cold when he finally spoke. “You knew what this was from the start. I told you not to expect anything more.”

Neville let out a bitter laugh, the sound hollow in the quiet room. “Right. Because God forbid Theo Nott let someone actually care about him.”

Theo looked up at Neville, confusion plastered on his face. “Wait, what do you mean I was with Michael Corner?” There was a loud ringing in his ears as he replayed Neville’s words. 

“What? Are you going to sit here and tell me you didn’t break things off with me and go running off to Corner the moment you got wind of my feelings for you? Pansy told me everything” Neville rambled on as he crossed his arms over his broad chest, but Theo couldn’t think of anything other than the fact that Neville thought he had been off canoodling with Michael Corner of all people. He was going to kill Pansy when he got his hands on her.

“I never did anything with Michael. Not like you did with that Hufflepuff bint you’ve been hanging around lately. Despite what you may think, I’m not actually a heartless bastard who does on to fuck anything that two legs and can walk.” Theo could see the various emotions flittering around behind Neville’s eyes, he tried to make heads of the thoughts that danced around in his head but it was no use. There was so much going on at once it was a completely different feeling as to how calm it usually is in Neville’s mind. 

“I was only with her to make you jealous…” If Theo had not been paying attention, Neville’s words would have been completely lost to him with how quietly he had spoken. 

“What?” It was as if everything around him had started spinning. “Why would you deliberately want to make me feel like this?” Theos words were barely above a whisper as he stared at the man in front of him. 

“I wanted you to feel the way I did…I know we agreed to nothing more but I cant Theo. I can’t…” Neville tried to step closer but stopped once theo held up a hand, halting him in his steps.

“I can’t help the way I feel about you Theo…I can’t help the way that seeing you smile makes me feel happiness in ways I have never felt before. I can’t help the way I love how you smell every time you walk past me in the corridors. I can’t help it if I think about wanting to spend the rest of my life waking up next to you whenever you go one your little book rants when we sit together up in the astronomy tower…” 

Theo had stopped breathing completely. He didn’t know what to do. His heart felt constricted. His palms were clammy and his breathing was barely there. He thought about the things he liked about Neville. The list was endless and it terrified him. All of this terrified him. 

He barely noticed when Neville stepped forward and knelt in  front of him before taking a hold of his hand with one hand as he used to other to caress Theo’s cheek. 

“Breathe darling…” Nevilles calming voice echoed in his head as he slowly came to again.

“Please…Please don’t call me that. I don’t want to be just another one of your conquests…” the words barely left past his lips as tears began to cloud his vision. Theo briefly caught a flash of confusion before sadness and guilt washed over Neville’s face. 

“No…No darling, no. I lied. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. I should have never said that to you. Theo…my love. You are the only one I have ever called darling. You are the only one I cared even remotely enough about as to call by any term of endearment.” Neville hung his head before grabbing hold of both of Theo’s hands. He placed a soft kiss on his knuckles before standing up and backing away.

“I know you don’t want anything more…but I’m willing to wait. As long as it takes.”

Theo stared at the empty space where Neville had been, his chest tightening painfully. He’d always told himself he didn’t need anyone—that love was a weakness he couldn’t afford. But as the silence stretched around him, he realized the truth:

He didn’t want a life without Neville in it.

He finally looked at Neville, his voice was quiet but steady. “I don’t know how to do this,” Theo admitted, his gaze once again fixed on the ground. “But I want to try. For you.”

Neville’s expression softened, and for the first time, Theo felt like maybe—just maybe—he could let someone in without breaking apart.