Journey to Hogwarts
1st day of Hogwarts, nothing too interesting to others. For me is an escape... At least that's what I thought. A new beginning, a new way of living... Hopefully, it'll be all good. Too worried, but it's gonna be fine. A life without meaning. A life without happiness. Nothing is stronger than numbness. Nothing is stronger than the feeling of not being able to breathe... A bad person, that's what I am. I will always be, not that it would count.
It's a hard day, and I feel too different than others. I feel like I've forgotten everything I wanted to learn—all the books, all the pamphlets. I can't remember anything. Everything's gone. My parents told me that I'm supposed to know all of this already. I'll be overcooked if I don't have straight O's. I'm not even in the mood to eat something today. I have been sorted a Slytherin, I'm just a stupid mudblood as my housemates kindly said last night. I'm the first one which I supposed was something good. At least, Harry Potter is there too.
From what I've seen, Harry isn't liked here either. I feel bad for him. I'm gonna try to talk to him, maybe we'll become friends. I heard that he didn't know about magic either until he was 11 and he seems different. He made a lot of jokes about his cupboard. I heard that there's a counselor, and the house seems not to get along, probably because they do their job?! I'm curious about what I'm supposed to do after Hogwarts and if there are any things regarding clubs or anything else. I don't know, I'm going to the Great Hall so I can get my schedule.
My schedule was so organized, I liked that. It seems that there are some study blocks, some for reading, some for tutoring, and some for culture. Why I didn't think of it already? Maybe that's why I got those sights. Maybe I wasn't good enough for Hogwarts. I'm already behind. Also, it's twice-a-week counseling. Did someone see already that I'm weak? I suppose I'll just go with it because I don't need to get in trouble. Anyway, the subjects I have are Astronomy, Defence Against the Dark Art, Herbology, Potions, Transfiguration, and the Flying Lessons.
On Monday I have:
- Breakfast (7:00 AM - 8:00 AM)
- Double Potions (9:00 AM - 11:00 AM)
- Double Transfiguration (12:00 PM - 2:00 PM)
- Lunch (2:30 PM - 3:30 PM)
- Individual Studying (4:00 PM - 5:00 PM)
- Group Studying (6:00 PM - 7:00 PM) (it feels scary)
- Dinner (8:00 PM - 9:00 PM)
On Tuesday I have:
- Breakfast (7:00 AM - 8:00 AM)
- Double Herbology (9:00 AM- 11:00 AM)
- Double Defence Against the Dark Arts (12:00 PM - 2:00 PM)
- Lunch (2:30 PM - 3:30 PM)
- Individual Studying (4:00 PM - 5:00 PM)
- CBT Therapy (6:00 PM - 7:00 PM) (I'm so tempted to skip it)
- Dinner (8:00 PM - 9:00 PM)
- Astronomy (1:00 AM - 3:00 AM)
On Wednesday I have:
- Breakfast (7:00 AM - 8:00 AM)
- Flying Lesson (8:30 AM - 10:30 AM)
- Custom and Culture of Wizarding World (10:45 AM - 12:45 PM)
- Career Counseling (1:00 PM - 2:00 PM)
- Lunch (2:30 PM - 3:30 PM)
- Group Studying (3:45 PM - 5:45 PM)
- Individual Studying (6:00 PM - 7:00 PM)
- Dinner (8:00 PM - 9:00 PM)
On Thursday I have:
- Breakfast (7:00 AM - 8:00 AM)
- Double Potions (9:00 AM - 11:00 AM)
- Double Defence Against the Dark Art (12:00 PM - 2:00 PM)
- Lunch (2:30 PM - 3:30 PM)
- Dance Therapy (4:00 PM - 5:00 PM)
- Individual Studying (6:00 PM - 7:00 PM)
- Dinner (8:00 PM - 9:00 PM)
- Astronomy (1:00 AM - 3:00 AM)
On Friday I have:
- Breakfast (7:00 AM - 8:00 AM)
- Double Transfiguration (9:00 AM - 11:00 AM)
- Double Herbology (12:00 PM - 2:00 PM)
- Lunch (2:30 PM - 3:30 PM)
- Individual Studying (3:45 PM - 4:45 PM)
- Group Studying (6:00 PM - 7:00 PM)
- Dinner (8:00 PM - 9:00 PM)
On Saturday I have:
- Breakfast (7:00 AM - 8:00 AM)
- Group Studying (9:00 AM - 11:00 AM)
- Flying Lesson (12:00 PM - 2:00 PM)
- Lunch (2:30 PM - 3:30 PM)
- Custom and Culture of Wizarding World (4:00 PM - 5:00 PM)
- Individual Studying (6:00 PM - 7:00 PM)
- Dinner (8:00 PM - 9:00 PM)
On Sunday I have:
- Breakfast (7:00 AM - 8:00 AM)
- Group Studying (9:00 AM - 10:00 AM)
- Individual Studying (10:30 AM - 11:30 AM)
- Double Art (12:00 PM - 2:00 PM)
- Lunch (2:30 PM - 3:30 PM)
- Meeting with Head of House (4:00 PM - 5:00 PM)
- Latin (6:00 PM - 7:00 PM)
- Dinner (8:00 PM - 9:00 PM)
It sounds like a lot, but I'll do my best. I definitely need to organize my time properly. I'm not even sure if I can do it, I'm really scared. Proffessor Snape seems scary, but probably it's not that bad. Poor Harry, though. Snape didn't seem to like him. He sneered and Harry didn't even do something. Hopefully all will be fine.
I skipped breakfast, went to the classes, went and had some lunch (mostly playing with), we didn't receive homework, but I studied to get a bit ahead, I made some flash cards, made some notes, key words. When it was time to group study, it was too scary. I stayed there, I didn't ask questions, but I tried to answer some... Got named know-it-all, but does it really count? I felt tears trying to burst, but I chugged them, I couldn't do it. Harry wasn't happy when he heard the comments, but I had my share of them, so why does it feel different? I don't understand. When it was finished, I got into the toilet and rolled my sleeves. I saw a scissor... I couldn't resist, I used it. I thought it'd be different... It's not. It's just the normal life. A new relapse, nothing new... I'm not even sure if I can wear anything short at this point. No short sleeves, no short pants, nothing. And it's all my fault. This is beside the fact that I'm not able to keep straight perfect grades so it's not anything new, but I'm so sick of arguments, being yelled at for grades that aren't bad (I mean, 90% isn't that bad, right?) if I already know what I did wrong so I can improve. Nothing is that bad. I don't want to be entitled. I don't want to be considered an arse hole. I'll just keep going. I'm going to pretend that I'm fine probably.
Scared about tomorrow because I really have to make sure nobody see anything. I'll probably wear all black for a while. Or anything that's forest related (dark red, dark brown, dark green, kaki maybe). This way it shouldn't be noticed.
I wake up and see a note from Proffessor Snape to come to him at lunch. I'm worried, I'm not hungry so I just study a bit. I get to Herbolology, I get a little scratched, but it's not that bad. Did a short shower, got to Defence Against the Dark Arts. Something feels wrong. Harry seem like his head is troubling him, I made a mental note to ask him after class. Quirrel kept stumbering, but in a fake way. Maybe it is just me, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to go at that class anymore.
Oh, noo. It's lunch. i smiled to Harry, he smiled me back. I got to Proffessor Snape's Office. I hope it won't happen anything. i knocked. An answer to "Enter". That was it.
"Good afternoon, Proffessor Snape!"
"Good afternoon, Ms. Granger! You probably ask yourself why are you here. Would you mind rolling your sleeves?"
"I didn't do anything! I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not doing anything dangerous."
"If you didn't do anything, why are you so adamant into not letting me see your arms?"
"Because it's my privacy."
"I get that, privacy is important, but it's my duty as the Head of House Slytherin to make sure that my well being of my students is tended. You deserve to feel good."
"I don't. Don't worry! All's fine."
"If you don't have anything to hide, why don't you let me see? If you prefer going to Hospital Wing, then let's go there."
"With all due respect, sir, it's not needed. I'm fine."
"What about not eating? I've seen you only once at dinner when you ate a little. You weren't at breakfast or lunch. What's happening?"
"Nothing and it's how's always been. If I'm not good, I don't deserve food."
"You do. I get that it may sound like a lie, but it's the truth. You deserve good things. You deserve being cared of. i'll need to talk to your relatives, to see what's happened. You need help and also people who respect you."
"I don't understand why's such a big deal. It's normal and it's always been this way. It's fine. I'm fine."
"You're not fine. Also it's not normal. You need to express how you're feeling. Not how you're 'supposed' to be."
"You need to eat something, otherwise your body will get sick."
"I don't need and it's time for my individual Studying."
(I was ready to get out, I felt boiling, I couldn't resist anymore. I needed some space. I needed to be alone.)
"It seems that we can't go further right now. Try to eat some of this sandwich or you'll need a nutritional potion."
"I don't. I won't. Let me be!"
"I didn't ask anything, I'd appreciate if you do this. Your body needs fuel."
"Fine, I'll eat that damn sandwich."
(I took a bite, but it felt wrong. I couldn't. I couldn't break my streak, but I couldn't disobey Proffessor Snape. I forced myself to eat it. I finished that stupid sandwich. I had to take a potion so I could keep what I ate and a nutritional one. Argh, I hate it.)
"You're excused. Don't forget your meeting after your Individual Studying."
"I won't. I'll go. No worries!"