Silver Ties

The next twenty four hours were not spent responsibly, and I’m not sure that I remember everything but that’s probably for the best. I just know that I woke up curled in a ball on my kitchen floor with a dish towel on my shoulder, as if I tried using it like a blanket.

I sat up and dragged my hands down my face and then realized I reeked of all things good and bad.

Graham’s fire whiskey wasn’t the only gift I got last night. Miles got me a few joints, although I had to beg him to get me them. Either I was able to convince him that it wouldn’t cause a detrimental harm to the progress I’ve made over these past couple months, or he saw through me and got them out of pity. Either way I spent most of my actual birthday high.

I dragged myself to the bathroom and stripped. I turn on the shower, keeping the water cold. I wake up a sweaty mess most days so I usually only take cold showers.

I stand under the water for a couple minutes trying to clear my head. I don’t remember most of last night after Ramona left. Unfortunately I do remember everything before then. Well, the trip home is a little fuzzy but I remember all the bad stuff, so that’s what counts.

Once I’m dressed in boxers and a t-shirt, I realized it was four pm. I slept all day and didn’t have a single dream.

The power of cannabis.

Even after the shower I was still hot. I went around my flat and opened every single window and then stood in the middle of my living room.

I decided that wasn’t enough so I threw on a light sweater and pants and went outside and headed down the sidewalk, a book tucked under my arm.

I went to the little cafe and ignored the slight disappointment when I didn’t see the girl from last time. Instead there was this older lady who took my order with a glare. When she gave me my coffee she set it down roughly and it spilled over the edge a little. I mumbled a “thank you” and cleaned up the small mess before taking out my book.

There were only three other customers, two old ladies playing chess by the big window in the front, and a young boy typing away at a muggle laptop.

I settled into one of the plush dark green chairs in the back and started reading my book, keeping an eye on my watch. I’m not too eager to break curfew again, I don’t have anyone to seduce the auror for me this time.

I had three more coffees over the next two hours, which wasn’t the best idea but that’s a problem for me later on tonight.

I glanced around the room at all the people, liking how they had no clue who I was. I’ve thought about living in their world and just leaving magic behind. I’ve thought about it my entire life, but it always seemed so impossible until now.

There’s a part of me that knows I don’t deserve the fresh start. I have to make things at least a little right in this world before I can finally live my life the way I want to.

But the shame in running away with my tail between my legs doesn’t sound that appealing, I’d get over it.

All my life I’ve never really…liked magic? It’s done more harm than good for me. My parents were such power hungry people who relied on magic to survive and only ever used it to harm people. They wanted me to be just like them and for a while they thought I was going to be. I remember Bella saying I had such promising skills and so that’s why she was the most disappointed when I inevitably let them both down. Putting aside their unrealistic standards, I simply didn’t desire to be anything like them.

I’m pretty sure they gave up on me when I was eleven. I remember him looking at me one day after my training, his red eyes lacked their usual flare, but still as unsettling as ever. He looked at Bella and proceeded to talk about me as if I wasn’t there.

“You said he would be the best there was.”

Bella laughed. “Wishful thinking.”

“He’s a waste of time and resources, I’m done with him. Tell Fenrir he can have him.” He started to leave the room.

“No.”

Bella never said anything that would be taken as a disagreement to him. So when she flat out told him ‘no’ it stopped him in his tracks. I think for once he didn’t know how to respond. I also think it scared him. She scared him.

“We can make another one if you’re so keen on having an offspring, but this one is useless.”

“We’ll send him off to Beauxbatons for a couple years and then Durmstrang, and he can finish off at Hogwarts, just like us.”

“You want to give it an education?”

“He’s no longer of use to us, fine, but I’m not throwing eleven years away.”

He just looked confused more than anything.

“Fine then, do as you wish Bella.”

And she did. She sent me away, having me attend all three schools and every summer I would stay with a different death eater and be trained everyday until I was numb and exhausted.

A hand slid over mine and I flinched back, eyes snapping up to meet wide green ones. “I’m sorry!” She took her hand back and put it at her side. “I tried saying something but I don’t think you heard me.”

I shook my head and took a breath. “No you’re fine.”

She smiled softly. “Must be a good book, huh?”

I looked down at the book in my hand, the page I’ve been on for that past hour. I nodded and closed it, looking back up at her.

“We’re closing in a bit, so I have to ask you to head out soon, sorry.”

My eyebrows twitched and I looked past her and the older lady was behind the counter with her arms crossed, glaring at me. I rolled my sleeve up and my watch read ten past seven.

“Shit– sorry.” I mumbled standing up.

“No it’s totally okay, I get lost in books too.” She picked up my empty cups and smiled at me again, a hint of something in her eyes. “If you wait outside for a couple minutes you could tell me about it as you walk me to my flat.”

I froze and looked at her with wide eyes.

Her smile slipped and she blurted, “Only– only if you want to!”

What have I done to attract this girl? Am I just that hot or something?

A slow smirk spread across my face. “Okay.”

Her grin reappeared and she nodded. “Okay. I should only be a couple minutes– it’s not my night to close but I just like to help her out a little.”

I nodded back and picked up my book. “Take your time.”

She bit her bottom lip. “Okay.”

Please don’t actually take your time.

Thankfully I was only outside for a couple minutes, she must’ve been moving pretty fast.

“It’s a short walk I swear,” She laughed, wrapping her scarf around her neck. “Oh– oh my god, I’m Josephine, by the way.”

I smiled down at her, she seemed very… energetic? Like her mind was all over the place. Nerves maybe? “Mattheo,”

She nodded. “Mattheo,” She whispered, trying it out. “So your book, is it any good?”

I handed it to her, nodding. “One of my favorites, I’ve read it a few times.”

She flipped it over and gasped. “I didn’t even recognize it! Is this the collector’s edition?”

My brows twitched. “Yeah, you’ve read it?”

“Are you kidding me? I have all her books– her outlook on life is so unique– I strive to think like her but I don’t know, I always think the worst of people.”

I chuckled. “Yeah me too.”

She looked up at me and smiled.

She stopped outside of a two story building and turned back to me. “Thanks for walking me, and for listening to me ramble on.”

I shoved my hands in my pockets and smirked. “You’re welcome,”

She started picking at the edge of her coat. “Do you wanna come in?” Her voice came out quiet.

My face dropped.

Her eyes went wide before she slapped a hand over her mouth, suddenly looking horrified. “Oh god,” She mumbled. “I’m sorry– was that too forward?”

“I– no it’s– it’s just… late.”

She grimaced. “Right…yeah, okay.”

I could tell she felt like she messed up, but I have fifteen minutes until my curfew sets in.

“Okay, thanks again.” She turned to head inside.

Fuck

“Do you–” She spun back around quickly. “–want to go out with me saturday?”

“Hm?”

I smirked. “Like a date.”

“Oh,” She blushed. “Really?”

I nodded, feeling my confidence come back, I stepped towards her and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Would that be okay?”

She swallowed and nodded. “Yeah,” She whispered.

“Does lunch work for you?” It’s the only thing that works for me. Technically I could do dinner but it’d have to get to my flat by seven thirty and what if she wasn’t in any hurry and I clearly would be so she thought I just wanted to get in her pants. Would she mind though? She did just try to get in mine I think.

She nodded. “Yeah, yeah that works.”

“Okay, I’ll be here at two.”

“Okay,” She grinned.

“Good night, Josephine.”

“Good night.”

I watched the door close behind her and waited a moment before turning and sprinting back to my flat.

__________________________________________

Thursday and Friday went by in a blur. Well for the most part. I didn’t see Ramona Thursday and I was glad. I don’t know how to proceed with things. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m over her or that I want to be, but I think I’m done pursuing her. She wants me to stop so I will. I did, I just didn’t think it would be noticeable.

Friday she stopped by our desks to talk to Graham about a meeting. I didn’t look up once. I think part of me wanted to hurt her feelings by not giving in and sparing a glance, but realistically I knew she wouldn’t care. She was probably grateful.

But I could feel her eyes on me.

When she eventually left Miles was leaning against my desk within seconds. “You okay?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah,”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “Alright, me and Annie wanna come over for lunch on sunday, is that good with you?”

“Uh yeah,” I nodded. “sounds good.”

He nodded back and then hit my shoulder. “You didn’t look up once, mate. Seriously, what’s wrong?”

I laughed and then groaned, dragging a hand down my face. “I’m fine.”

He raised his brows at me.

I stared right back but eventually sighed. “I’ll tell you Sunday.”

“Oh, you’re gonna make me wait?”

I nodded.

“Fine, but just so you know I’m thinking either she gave you a really good birthday present when she took you home, or you got your hands on like, heroin.”

“Wow,”

“Yup.” He shrugged.

“Guess you’ll find out sunday.”

“Prick.”

__________________________________________

Why am I so bloody nervous? I’m just going on a date– for the first time in kinda ever– with a really pretty muggle girl who smells like strawberries and looks like an angel.

No big deal.

I took a shot before I left my flat.

Okay two.

It was nearing two and I was on my way to her flat, worrying about not being able to find it and in turn, being late and then she thinks that I just stood her up. All the buildings look the same on this street, and the ones on either side of it.

But luckily she must’ve had a similar thought because she was standing outside of her flat. She was in a flowy white dress with little pink flowers on it, and she had a white sweater over it. Her hair was pulled back by a lace bandana.

Reiterate the whole angel thing. Kinda ironic the amount of times I’ve been told to rot in hell.

When she spots me her face lights up with a bright smile. She meets me the rest of the way, squeezing the handles on her purse in excitement.

“Hi Mattheo,” She beamed.

I smiled back, feeling some of my nerves dissolve. “Hi,” I breathed. “you look..”

Her nose scrunched. “Is it too much?”

“No!” I rushed, “I just,” I looked down at my all black attire and laughed. “... I’m quite the contrast.”

She smiled again and then stepped forward, grabbing my hand. “I like it.”

My stomach erupted with a funny feeling and I gripped her hand. We started walking and then my eyes widened.

“Oh but– you do look really beautiful.” I rushed out, realizing that I didn’t even compliment her earlier.

“Thank you.” She laughed. “Now let's go, I'm starving.”

I took her to a little Italian restaurant and we sat outside under an umbrella table, per her request.

The waiter came with menus and water, asking if we wanted anything else to drink.

After we ordered she clasped her hands together and smiled. “So what do you do for work?”

I prepared for these questions last night, translating answers for any possible question she could have to a muggle friendly version. I don’t really think it’s lying but I’m not sure I care too much.

“Government work, boring stuff and not much to talk about.” I shrugged and leaned forward. “What about you? How long have you worked at the bakery?”

She laughed. “Only a couple months. I’m in university right now so I’m just looking for a little bit of extra money.”

“Oh nice, what are you studying?”

Well played.

“I’m gonna be a biochemical engineer,” She grinned.

“That sounds… intense.”

She giggled and then went on a little rant explaining what exactly “bio chem” was and the kind of stuff she’d be working on. I didn’t think to research any muggle school stuff but she didn’t seem to find it weird that I had no idea what she was talking about. If anything it seemed she found it quite endearing.

Our food came a bit later and I found myself having a good time with Josephine. She was easy to converse with and had an odd sense of humor. She almost choked on her water when a child on the sidewalk fell on his face. Her smile was contagious.

I was having a good time but I still didn’t feel a thing for this girl. All I could think about was Ramona and how she would’ve ordered something different or how she wouldn’t walk to talk about work.

Josephine is gorgeous but Ramona is a kind of beautiful that you only see once in your life. You just have to stop and take it in every once in a while.

I stop before I get too ahead of myself.

She sets her glass down and smiles at my lame response to her question about my schooling.

A very private school in the middle of nowhere.

“Sounds interesting.”

I shook my head. “I’ll spare you the details of my youth.”

She laughed and took a bite of her pasta. “Mysterious, you know, I’m only more interested now.”

I chuckled. “Too bad, it feels like it’s been forever.”

“I know what you mean,” She groaned. “So what about family?”

I swallowed. I’d prepared for this question, obviously, but that didn’t make it any easier. How do you explain to a muggle that your parents were evil wizards who tried to take over the world?

You don’t.

“Uh,” I shook my head. “None of that– just friends.”

Smooth.

She frowned. “I’m sorry, I don’t have any either.” She set her fork down and put her hands in her lap, her eyes follow.

My eyebrows twitch. “Sorry to hear that.”

She nods. “Yeah,” Her voice is quiet and she sits up straighter and her expression shifts. “You were actually there.”

When she looks back up at me I flinch. She looks like a completely different person, her smile is nowhere around and eyes are boring into my soul. And when her words register I lean back in my seat.

“...what?”

“You were there when your father killed them.”

My eyes widen slowly and my chest aches. I’m frozen in my seat, and couldn't move if I tried.

“You just watched.” Her voice lacked any emotion, matching her eyes. “Do you even remember then, Mattheo?” She spat my name.

“You came to our house in the night and he killed my brothers after torturing them for an hour. They were both going into their first year at hogwarts.” She narrowed her eyes. “Do you remember watching my mother scream and beg for him to stop? Your father? Do you remember when my father tried to stop him and Greyback tore him to pieces?” A tear ran down her cheek but her face was still blank.

As she talked her voice fell further out, it was like I was listening through glass. She became muffled, I could still make it out but my body felt like it was being crushed. I felt so much pressure all over.

“You don’t deserve to be alive and you definitely don’t deserve to be happy. You’re a terrible human and I hope you rot in hell with your parents.” She stood from the table and looked down at me. “I want to kill you myself, to make you feel a shred of what I’ve felt for years, but I think that living this life and knowing what you’ve done will have to be good enough for me. You’re never going to be free of this, no ones ever going to forget or forgive you.”

“Maybe this whole thing was a bit much, I’ll admit that but I just needed to know if you were still the same person, if you thought that you were fine, safe. And you actually do. I’m not going to kill you but someone will. Go ahead and do the world a service and make it yourself.”

She walked away, leaving me to sit there for hours. The waiter came and went. He might as well have been talking to a wall. I stared at the empty seat across from me until the sky was dark.