Chapter 2
School had started back up, and Regulus had been avoiding Remus, and his brother, (and all of their daft friends for that matter,) to the best of his abilities. Honestly, Regulus didn't feel like confronting the only two people in the school who knew he was a werewolf, but more importantly he didn't feel like confronting the possibility that Sirius truly didn't know. There were too many perfect coincidences, too many clues and references. If Sirius truly didn't know, he and Regulus had entirely been in some odd state of miscommunication for the past nine months. Regulus didn't particularly trust his parents, but he did love them, and he didn't really feel like engaging in the critical thinking it would take to admit that his family could happily lie to him about the most traumatic thing he'd ever experienced. What on earth could they possibly gain from lying to him about whether or not Sirius was with him when the werewolf attack happened. More importantly, how on earth could they have lied to Sirius about where he was going each month on the full moon, especially considering how diligently Sirius tracked the moon cycle. Sirius and his insufferable obsession with the phases of the moon. Regulus vaguely remembered Sirius paying attention to the moon and star cycles after his first year at Hogwarts. Their mother had been pleased, immediately hopeful that this was a newfound interest in their families namesake. So Regulus knew this wasn’t directly tied to his newly acquired lycanthropy, but he couldn’t help but feel as if Sirius’ love of astronomy was laced with cruel digs.
Regulus was sure that over the past summer his tetchiness surrounding his lycanthropy had put a huge wedge between himself and his brother. If Sirius was trying to connect, he sure had a funny way of going about it.
"It's the sturgeon moon this week, August’s full." Sirius said, gazing out the window. He had been awkwardly trying to reach out to Regulus. Asking lots of questions, spending as much time as he could with Regulus. At least, Regulus noted, during the two weeks leading up to the moon, never after. Each time he came back from the LeStrange dungeon, Sirius holed himself up in his bedroom and wouldn't talk to Regulus, then a week would go by, and he would 'reach out'. It felt odd. A bit like Sirius was trying to save him from his lycanthropy, which evidently was futile. It reminded him vaguely of the pitying tenderness Aunt Lucretia always offered Andromeda before she left the family. 'Sweetheart, you're exhausted, you're not thinking straight love. Take a vacation, connect with our history. Here, here, take my brooch, a reminder of our family-" Incessant faux concern, as if they simultaneously believe it's far too late to save you but they have to try for their own peace of mind. It was as if Regulus was drowning, and Sirius thought saying ‘don’t forget to swim’ was going to help.
"I know." Regulus replied tersely, obviously he knew when the full moon was, he hadn't known it was called the sturgeon moon', but referring to any full moon with such an inconsequential sounding name made his stomach churn. Fish moon. Screw that. He folded his hands in his lap, his shoulders rigid, a precarious tension between the boys that Sirius was pointedly ignoring.
Sirius hummed, nodding "Sturgeons are blue right? I wonder if it will look blueish" he murmured looking out the window at the almost full moon. He looked yearnful, as if there was somewhere he was supposed to be.
"Well." Regulus said, his voice tightening as he pushed out the next few words, he wasn't sure why this was what Sirius insisted on connecting over "I guess you'll have to tell me." Regulus said, failing to shift any disdain out of his voice.
Seemingly picking up on the tone, Sirius replied in a much snappier way than he'd been speaking before "You can look for yourself."
"You know that I can't." Regulus snapped.
Regulus pushed the memories out of his head. He had to move on from his life before, he couldn't have it back, which was becoming more and more evident as his parents continued to establish that he was no longer welcome home. He was truthfully a bit anxious as to what that meant for his future, would they let him finish school? Would they stage his death? Or would he face an unstaged death? Where would he transform if Bella stopped offering up her dungeon. He knew you could simply become a pariah, his Uncle Alphard wasn't officially disowned, but he wasn't quite a part of the family really. Maybe he could follow in his estranged uncle's strange footsteps.
Though he was doing his best to avoid Remus and Sirius, he also couldn't help himself from observing them as often as he could. Sirius showed no signs of disdain, or hesitance within his friendship with Remus, and the aforementioned boy had been quite certain that Sirius was well aware of Remus’ werewolf status.
It was a week into classes when Sirius finally successfully cornered him. Regulus had been walking down a hallway he could have sworn was empty, when an arm popped seemingly out of nowhere, and suddenly his brother was tugging him into an empty classroom.
“Thanks for telling me you’d be here all break” Sirius muttered, flicking his wrist to lock the door behind them. Sirius busied himself doing seemingly nothing with his robes, an irritated energy buzzing off of him. “Mother and Father have been sending me letters. Do you know anything about that?”
“No” Regulus said shortly, he had half a mind to tell Sirius that they weren’t speaking to him right now, but Sirius would surely feel as if this was the reason his parents were suddenly hounding him down again.
“No? Merlin, it’s like talking to a wall.” Sirius hissed. He muttered something to himself, and then took a deep breath. “Okay. Sorry, what I mean is why wouldn’t you tell me you’d be alone here all break. I know they’re not the perfect purebloods or whatever but the Potter’s would have been happy to-”
“First off, it’s not like you’ve ever cared before. And second I couldn’t have gone. I would have had to explain my absence for the last few days and-”
“Where did you go?” Sirius asked suddenly with a forceful tone in his voice.
“The dungeon at the LeStranges, where I always go- Sirius keep up-”
“Keep up?!” Sirius shouted, pinching the bridge of his nose. He looked an awful lot like their father, standing there with an exhausted expression and a knitted brow. “Merlin Reg I wouldn’t want to keep up with how many times you go there. That place is awful. What you get out of spending weekends locked up with Bellatrix exceeds me-”
“Obviously I get nothing out of it” Regulus replied, crossing his arms over his chest, he backed up a few steps so he could lean up against the chalkboard. Scribbled layers of ancient runes were behind him, probably making him look like a crazed academic as he glared at his brother with his arms folded.
“Then why do you keep going back-”
"It's not like I have a choice!" Regulus finally shouted, throwing his hands to his sides "I didn't ask for this, I never wanted to spend all my months- doing- or just- like - like this. I never would have chosen this-"
"But you did choose this Regulus!" Sirius shouted standing up away from the window and turning towards Regulus' door. "Stop acting like your hands are tied. You’re on a freaky fucking path- what you guys are doing is sick- even if your not getting your hands dirty whats happening there is messed up. Do you not get that this is hurting people?"
"I haven’t been hurting people!" Regulus shouted, his voice loud enough to cut Sirius off, he was feeling the desperation of trying to defend your true innocence in the face of someone who refuses to believe it, "I'm not hurting anyone but myself- and shut up would you, anybody could here and the last thing i need is anybody else to figure this out."
Sirius shook his head, looking at Regulus with an unreadable expression. He looked a bit confused, but there was a now familiar disappointment lingering in his eyes. He’d been looking at Regulus like this since the summer.
"Regulus, stop deflecting, I know what you’re running about doing when you leave for a week at a time. Do you understand how serious this all is? What you've gotten yourself into? This isn't just some way to appease mother and father, this is your life, this is how you have to live from now on, and you can't just back out of it, and even if you could it's not like you won't feel the guilt and-"
"Mother and father are not pleased with me Sirius, what on earth are you even talking about! I get that this is serious, regardless of the way you seem to act about it this is my life not yours. You don't need to make me feel even more shit about this. I live like this or I die Sirius-"
"You’re right. This is your life, because if I was in your place I would have died." Sirius cried, spinning on his heel and slamming the door shut behind him.
He felt his stomach churn uncomfortably as Sirius' words swirled in his head. I would have died.
It ricocheted around his mind for the entirety of the day, bouncing off the stone walls in the corridor, hanging around the elaborate paintings strewn about, hiding beneath Hogwarts suits of armour, and lurking in the murky depths of the lake just visible from the Slytherin common room. By dinner time he felt strangely like a ghost of himself, as if he really had died that night. The one which he couldn’t remember at all, and which he wasn’t sure he wanted to. Though disheartening to realize how deeply he still yearned for Sirius’ approval, it was nice to feel detached and distant from the world for a moment, and he wondered if he truly would be sorry if that detachment became a little more permanent.
Though he didn’t particularly fancy looking at his brother at all, his gaze kept wandering to the Gryffindor table where Sirius, Remus, and James were enthralled in some dramatic story Peter was telling, his arms flailing about and though Regulus could only see the back of his head, his facial expressions must’ve been priceless judging from the other boys reactions.
When watching the group he became stuck thinking about the differences between himself and Remus. Was it the age he had turned? Remus had been too young to defend himself that is for certain, maybe Sirius could forgive a five year old for not fighting hard enough. Surely Regulus should have fought harder– only a fool would have ended up in that situation. Something which his parents had been reiterating to him since he became a lycanthrope.
As if sensing the prolonged attention, Remus’ honey-green eyes glanced up and somehow pierced through the air in the Great Hall, with a gaze so strong the boys could’ve been feet apart rather than tables. Remus furrowed his brow and narrowed his eyes before warily glancing away. Regulus could feel the weight of his eyes on him as the evening went on
Once he’d slipped out of the great hall, Remus all but materialized at his shoulder.
Regulus tried to speed up, Lupin was much taller, he was able to keep up with seemingly minimal effort. Regulus tried to slow down, Lupin matched steps regardless. Regulus tried to sneak through the crowds as he often does to get away from people, Lupin was so tall that people parted around him making Regulus' attempts ineffective.
"Regulus" Remus called, grabbing the boy's shoulders, a frustration in his tone that reminded Regulus that the seemingly impossible to bridge age-gap between himself and Sirius was a product of their family, rather than a reflection of reality, Remus was only a year older than him, and the petty frustration in his tone was making that incredibly evident.
"You’re walking yourself into a very stupid corner” the boy chided “Sirius has absolutely no clue-"
"Sirius said he does. And if he doesn’t he will- actually the whole school probably will find out if you keep following me around.” Regulus snapped “two scarred boys who- get this- conveniently disappear each month for the full moon, that have never had a reason to speak before are suddenly talking all the time, I have absolutely no idea what stories people might construe from that”
"It wouldn't kill you to be less sarcastic,” Remus said, frowning as if he found sarcasm distasteful, which ironically almost all of Hogwarts could refute.
"I know. If it would kill me, I would do it." Regulus replied, as he jolted his shoulder out of Remus' hand and continued to march towards the common room.
"Sirius says they're trying to reinstate his lordship." Remus yelled behind him.
"Yes. Obviously." Regulus rolled his eyes. "I knew that"
"Oh" Remus said deflating..
"Well, the family is disowning me. Once again, obviously." Regulus explained, shaking his head as he looked up at Remus as if he couldn't imagine someone any less intelligent. “So they have no other choice but to reinstate Sirius,” he shrugged.
"You know, you could talk to Pomfrey and Dumbledore, they can find you somewhere safe to-"
"If that's an attempt to help me I still don't want it." Regulus said, jutting his chin up in an almost challenging gesture. “There's nothing you have to offer me”
Remus nodded, as they descended another staircase. Their steps on the stone floors echoed ominously in the quiet castle.
"If you’re so against being helped, why did you take the potion?"
“Clearly that was a mistake" Regulus huffed. "Seriously, leave me alone." The boy sounded petulant, and young, and it was almost relieving to Remus that he could sound that way.
“I know you think you have everything figured out, but I know a lot of things that could help you-”
“I don’t like thinking about my- the- the you know what- and I like that it hurts, it’s fitting. I don’t want you to make it easier for me, and so unless you have a cure, or some sort of crazy convoluted evidence that I’m adopted or something, nothing you can say will either surprise me nor be of any use to me.”
"Your parents told Sirius you’re joining the Death Eaters.” Remus replied.
Regulus froze. He was not used to being surprised. And he felt stupid, as though he should have suspected this. He narrowed his eyes, who on earth did Lupin think he was? Blabbing loudly about his lycanthropy, the dark lord, and his personal family affairs.
“Could you talk any louder?” Regulus explained in an angry and intense whisper. “You might as well use a sonorus and tell the whole bloody school at this point!” he mumbled, shaking his head vigorously.
Remus grabbed Regulus by the wrist and tugged him into a nearby broom closet. He flicked his hand locking the door not even needing to grab his wand to do so. Regulus vaguely wondered how many pranks it took for him to learn how to lock and unlock things without a wand nor words. More importantly, however, and forefronting his thought process, Regulus was observing the outrageously plump spider in the top corner of the closet, and the way the dust gathered around them was making it hard to breathe.
“Quaint.” Regulus said, raising an eyebrow up in distaste, his nose pulled up slightly making the creases by his lips pronounced, it looked more like he’d smelt something horrendously foul rather than having been dissatisfied by the interior design of a school broom cupboard.
Remus laughed, his head tilting back as a true hearty noise bubbled out of his open mouth. “God you’re so posh.” he muttered, he suddenly looked very serious again, and lowered his voice to a much quieter noise. “Sirius doesn’t have a clue about your… furry little problem, he thinks-”
“That I’m joining some torture happy extremist political party? At thirteen? Earnestly, that doesn’t make him look any better.” Regulus narrowed his eyes crossing his arms over his chest.
“I never said Sirius was clever, I said he’s clueless, if you just told him you’re-”
“He told me he would have died.” Regulus said knitting his brows closely together.
“Rather than join your cousin's freak show!” Remus threw his hands up in the air as if he was so exhausted that Regulus couldn’t understand his point.
“That’s no better. If it came to my life or joining, I would live. I don’t want to die. I thought I did, but clearly I don’t really, or I would have done it already.”
“Jesus Regulus.” Remus muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You know that’s not a normal way to feel, right?”
Regulus rolled his eyes “You’re a lycanthrope, I know you know what I mean”
“No. Well, yes I can… sympathize, but that doesn’t make it normal Regulus-”
“Stop talking to me as if we’re friends.” Regulus muttered.
“Just- hear me out okay, because Sirius is being insufferable because he thinks you’re throwing your life away to please your mother and father- and before you interject, I know you know your parents can be convincing so don’t even try to turn this on him. It’s not your fault, it’s not his fault, it’s them.”
“You don’t know a thing about my family.” Regulus snarled.
Suddenly the broom closet door began to rattle, and an arm pounded against it, making the heavy wooden door splinter near it’s fragile hinges.
Remus shared panicked eye contact with Regulus, as Regulus flinched his body back, and stretched his arm forward to unlatch the door before it collapsed in on them.
The door swung open with vigor, and suddenly two figures stumbled in piling on top of one another.
“Remus!” Sirius’ voice screeched. “What are you doing with my brother in a broom closet-” he said, sounding panicked.
James stood in the doorway folding his arms, glancing between the three boys ahead of him and occasionally behind him where presumably Peter must have been.
“There is a completely logical explanation for-” Remus began.
At the same time Regulus asked “How on earth did you know we were here?”
“Map” said James.
Sirius shushed him with a floundering wave of his hand. “Yeah. There better be. I thought one of you would be trying to kill the other earnestly. What the fuck are you talking about that needs to happen in a broom closet-” then suddenly another look of horror dawned on the boy as he took a step back, ultimately ending up with his spine brushing against James’ forearm, where it laid blocking the doorway. “Are you guys- are you gay?” he asked suddenly.
“Sirius!” Regulus shrieked, an embarrassed flush creeping from his neck, burning in his ears, and spattering across his nose.
Remus raised an eyebrow in a bored way, “would that make you jealous, Sirius?” he asked in a playful taunt.
“Remus this is Serious!”
“Very Sirius” both James and Remus replied, sharing an amused look.
“Stop it!” Sirius shouted, “I mean it. Somebody tell me what the fuck is going on before I lose it-”
“Regulus has something important to tell you.” Remus said pointedly.
“No I do not!” Regulus said, shooting a look of betrayal up at the taller boy.
Remus gave him what appeared to be an apologetic shrug, but it was clear that Remus did not feel at all sorry for the situation at hand.
“You planned this all out!” Regulus suddenly accused gesturing around the circle. “You’re all horrible I can’t-”
“Regulus, just get on with it and we can all get out of the closet”
James snorted loudly, receiving a hard smack in the side of the head from Remus.
“I’ll tell him if he leaves.” Regulus decided with a pointed glare at James, who resigned before Sirius could protest, sliding out of the doorway and shutting the closet door behind him.
The door closed, and suddenly the silence was profound.
Regulus had over the course of the past chaos backed himself into the furthest corner from the door, arms crossed protectively across his middle, and his feet trapped between buckets and mops in a way where he truly couldn’t move anywhere else. Remus had moved to the right side of the closet, where the spider dangled just above his curls, and Sirius stood right in front of the door.
“Okay. Tell me.” Sirius said, still looking paranoid in an out of character way, his eyes darting nervously between the two boys in front of him.
Regulus looked up at Remus, who was watching him with an expectant look.
“What if Potter’s listening.” Regulus protested in a petulant voice.
“He’s not.” Sirius insisted. “You guys are really building up to something. What's going on? Did mother finally kick the bucket?”
Regulus met his eyes with a blank deadpan stare.
“Regulus” Remus prompted.
“I don’t want to. This is my business. Not his.” he insisted.
“At least tell him you’re not going to be a death eater.” Remus muttered.
“Wow. Thanks for letting me tell-”
“Oh thank merlin” Sirius mumbled, launching himself forward to grab Regulus’ face.
Regulus backed away slightly, knocking over a broomstick in the process.
“I don’t know why I ever would listen to them-” Sirius murmured, suddenly looking over his little brother with newfound concern, scanning his face for injury as if they hadn’t been away from their parents for the entirety of the school semester.
“Thank merlin, thank fuck-” Sirius continued pulling Regulus in by his narrow shoulders and hugging him tightly the way normal mothers said goodbye to their first years before they boarded the Hogwarts Express.
Regulus’ arms stayed stiffly by his side, and he was suddenly acutely aware of how little he’d been touched since becoming a werewolf, and how much he had missed his brother.
“Okay. Sorry.” Sirius muttered, pulling away finally, his eyes surveying his brother again, “what did you want to tell me?” he asked.
Regulus glanced up at Remus, who had been awkwardly pretending not to be there.
“I- I’m–” Regulus was suddenly finding it very hard to speak, his breathing became rapid, and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest.
“Hey, no you don’t need to do this if you don’t want to-” Remus suddenly cut in. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have pushed-”
“No, he absolutely needs to tell me what's going on!” Sirius protested. “This” the boy said gesturing to the space in front of Regulus “is not normal for him-”
“Like you’d know!” Regulus snapped “you only pay attention to me when it’s convenient to you. When you can feel good about yourself, or when you can get something. You don’t care at all about me or you’d already know what was going on. It’s abundantly clear and instead for the first time in your life you just believe what mother and father tell you to do. You can’t for a minute imagine me having it harder than you for anything. Stop acting like you care at all when you’re stupid idiot friend was the only person to realize anything is going on even though we lived together all summer.”
“Reg-” Sirius said, sending a helpless look to Remus, holding his hands forward in a placating way.
“I have lycanthropy and you didn’t even notice, and you thought- whatever.”
“What?” Sirius whispered. “How did- when did that happen? Why- why didn’t you say anything-”
There were tears welled in Regulus’ eyes “Because they all told me you knew, and everything you said was- and- the stupid ring you sent-” he wiped furiously at his face “I should have known you wouldn’t pay enough attention to notice-”
“Regulus” Sirius muttered, reaching forward to be met with the forceful swat of his brother's arm. “I’m sorry. I really am- I should have asked, and I shouldn’t have listened to our family- you’re my family, or at least the only person in it that’s ever really mattered-”
“Can I leave? I don’t want to talk to you.” Regulus said, pushing forwards to get to the door. “I really don’t want to.” he repeated a little more forcefully, until Remus tugged at Sirius’ defeated shoulder and they let Regulus slip out of the door.
“He’ll come around,” Remus said.
“How long have you known?” Sirius asked.
“Hols,” Remus replied with a shrug.
“I wish you’d told me.”
“He said he didn’t want you to know. It’s hard. Being… different.” Remus said meaningfully.
Sirius looked up at him “I think I get it. A bit. I mean, being different.”
Remus smiled softly, his left brow pulling up “Yeah, in what ways, Black?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know, Lupin”
“That is why I asked,” Remus continued.
“Well, are you? You know… different.” Sirius countered.
The door swung open again. “Is your brother okay?” Peter asked.
“He looked proper upset whilst leaving, is all.” James continued.
Sirius nodded, clearing his throat as he stepped away from Remus, “Remus says he’ll come around.”
James nodded “Good lad,” he clapped Remus’ shoulder “I’m sure you guys will sort it out. Look at it this way, you guys have officially started talking again. More than we could have expected-”
Peter smacked James in the shoulder.
“No tact this one” Sirius shook his head.
“We need to get him a muzzle,” Remus added.
“If only we could turn him into something that didn’t speak.” Peter continued.
“We could transfigure you into one of my mothers tea cups if you’d like,” Sirius offered.
“I quite like not being shattered on my best mates face, thanks” James snickered, receiving a faux-offended gasp from Sirius.
Later, Sirius would need to find his brother and convince him to have an actual conversation, but for now he could chase James down the hallway and shove him into the nearest tapestry.