January 18th, 2045
Remus fumbled with the dials on his radio again. The screen was shattered beyond recognition but the knobs still turned. He sighed, tossing it back inside his backpack, it wasn't something he could fix.
After checking that Sirius was still alseep, he grabbed the radio tucked under the pillow beside him and climbed to the top of the hill. A few clicks and a lot of static later, voices came through. "Lily?"
"Remus!" The cheery voice called out. "How've you been?"
"The usual," he sighed, glancing over to double-check that Sirius hadn't moved. "Still travelling, still hate them. But I think there's something going on with Peter. He destroyed my radio the second I got in touch with someone else. I know it's stupid but I think he could be part of the Horde."
Lily scoffed in disbelief. "Scaredy-cat Peter? The same one who refuses to leave his house? Remus, I know it's hard to trust these boys but I think you're overthinking this one-"
"He didn't say anything all day, tossing his tennis ball the entire time, I suddenly get a hold of Regulus and he magically no longer can hold onto it and smashes right into my radio?" Remus paused in an attempt to keep himself from getting too loud. "If he doesn't want anyone to leave their bunkers than he wants everyone to still be at risk of infection. LIke a Horde member. You have to believe me."
"Okay, okay, I'll think on it some more." Mary replied quickly, trying to ease the tension. "Wait, if he destroyed your radio then how did you reach us today?"
"... Took Sirius',"
"So you guys are getting along? You called his brother for him too."
"No," Remus said quickly. Too quickly. He could practically hear Lily raising her eyebrow at his reaction. "I'm doing what I can so that we get to the city as fast as possible. You know I can't get close to him."
"Even if you didn't like him at the start and you have to protect that you're immune doesn't mean that you need to stay away from him. And besides, I doubt he'd actually care if you were immune. What do you think his reaction would be? Remus?"
The line stayed dead.
"Remus? You didn't tell him... Remus!" Lily yelled out, more shocked than concerned. She knew how much it took for him to open up about anything.
"I'm sorry! I had to. He was yelling at me and I just- I needed to shut him up. And even if he doesn't care, it won't last. We get to the city and it's over, so-"
"It doesn't have to be over. You can stay together. Why are you so set on that?" Mary asked. Remus didn't say anything again. He bit his tongue and wished he'd done that minutes ago.
"Whatever, how's it going for you guys?"
"Good, fine. The usual, I guess." Lily rushed to answer. Remus paused at her response the same way she had for him. "Research is going pretty good with finding causes it's the antidotes that suck." Remus hummed to indicate he was listening but before either of them could add on, Remus spotted Sirius push himself out of his sleeping bag and immediately search for his radio.
"Um, guys, I think I have to go. I'll talk to you guys as soon as possible." Remus said quickly, switching it off as Sirius locked eyes with him from below. Sirius stormed up the side of the hill as Remus tried to hurry down it, boots crunching over scattering rocks. Sirius kept his jaw tight, fists clenched at his sides.
"Where the hell is it?" His voice was sharp, edged with frustration.
Remus took a few steps down to be on flatter ground, turning the dial on the small, battered radio in his hands. "I was just borrowing it for Lily's research," he muttered. "You know mine got broken."
Sirius snatched it from him. "Not what I asked."
Remus barely reacted, just tiredly rubbing his temples and rolling his shoulders back to ease some of his pain. "You weren’t using it."
"That’s not the point, is it?" Sirius snapped. "It’s mine. You knew that, and you still took it. You know how important this is to me."
Remus exhaled slowly. "You also know how important their research is to our safety and I just figured that since mine broke while I was helping you get into contact with your brother that it would be okay for me to-"
"Don’t start with me about my brother," Sirius cut him off. His voice was venomous, shaking with anger. "You were talking shit about me."
Remus said nothing. The silence was enough of a confession. Sirius let out a bitter laugh. "Unbelievable. We’re out here starving, hunted, running for our lives for your sake, and you’re wasting our only radio to hate on me with your friends for no reason?"
"I just needed-"
"What, Remus? What did you need?" Sirius’ eyes burned into him in a way that made Remus shrink back and forget that they were equals. "Because I need to stay alive. I'm only out here for James because I know how important this to him. But you-" His voice broke, and then he steadied it, colder now as he shook his head. "You’re selfish."
Remus stiffened. "Right."
"You don’t care, do you?" Sirius pressed, stepping closer. "You act like you do, like you’re the rational one, the responsible one, but you don’t actually give a damn about anyone but yourself."
Remus flinched, but the anger in his eyes finally surfaced, regaining the consious thought that he was taller than the other boy. He stood up straighter and looked down on him. "That’s rich, coming from you."
"You think I don’t see it?" Sirius continued, relentless now. "Every time we risk our lives, every time we fight for scraps, you’re the first to detach. You keep yourself safe. You hold back." His voice was shaking now. "You’re heartless, Remus."
Remus’ jaw tightened. "I’m practical."
"Yeah?" Sirius sneered. "Say that when James is puking his guts out again. Trust me, I've noticed how you helping him was a one time thing. Say that the next time I'm out hunting our food supply and your critiquing how I kill as if you know any better."
Remus' eyes narrowed, staring him down. "I don’t have to justify myself to you."
"Of course you don’t," Sirius spat. "You never do."
Neither of them backed down. The air between them was thick with resentment, making it hard to breathe even in the wide forest they had settled in. Then, before another word could be spoken, glass shattered somewhere behind them. Both their heads snapped toward their campsite.
James, who had been seated at their dining table for breakfast was now standing over the table, one hand on his heart and the other partially at his side with his glass in pieces on the ground beside him. His breathing hitched sharply.
"James?" Sirius called out, running across the landscape to the table, Remus following behind him. James took two steps away from them before collapsing onto his side and falling still. Remus was at his side in an instant, rolling him onto his back. "James, wake up," Sirius said, voice cracking. He shook James' shoulder, but there was no response. His skin was clammy, his breathing shallow.
Remus pressed two fingers to James' neck. "His pulse is weak."
Sirius’ anger vanished in an instant, replaced by raw panic. "What’s wrong with him?"
Remus swallowed hard. "I don’t know."
"Shit," Sirius whispered.
"Yeah," Remus murmured, already digging through their supplies. "We need to figure this out. Now." And just like that, the fight was forgotten. The world outside could burn, their grudges could wait. James needed them.
James wasn’t waking up. His breathing was there, shallow but present, and his pulse fluttered beneath Remus’ fingers like a dying ember. But he wasn’t responding, wasn’t even stirring when Sirius called his name. Remus could hear Sirius talking, could feel him moving beside him, but it all blurred in the background. Because suddenly, he wasn’t here anymore.
He was somewhere else. Somewhere cold. Somewhere he had lost everything.
Remus bit his lip and tried to shrug the images flashing through his mind off. He placed two hands on James' chest, pumping against it as hard as he could. Nothing. Again. Nothing.
He remembered the blood first, warm and slick between his fingers, staining them in a way no amount of scrubbing had ever erased. No, it's just sweat. Blood runs thicker. He tried to remember.
He repeated the action, growing faster and more impatient as he went.
It's not going to work. A voice rang out in the back of his mind. Remus tried to shake it off, he could still feel James breathing, indicating it had in fact worked. Feel his body go cold, his blood still out, one last wheezy breath. Remus gasped as if he only had one last wheezy breath. He couldn't feel the pulse. Her pulse. It was done. But she was still twitching, dead people can't twitch, he declared.
"Remus?" A voice came from behind him. Mary was behind him when she was gone. Poor girl had no idea what she was about to witness and it was all his fault. "Hey, mate, it's okay."
Remus shook his head quickly, pathetic tears blurring his vision. He desperately blinked them away to make sure he didn't lose sight of her. She wouldn't be gone if he just held on. She's still twitching. She's still alive. Hands reached out for him, they're trying to pull him away from her. The body moved with more strength, she must be alive. She just passed out, she had helped him through the same thing. He got to use it on her.
Fuck, he had sworn he would never have to use it again.
"Remus, stop." A different voice, further away, this time coming from in front of him. The twitching stopped. He was right, dead people can't twitch, it's once they stop twitching that they're dead. "You have to help me,"
I know, Remus thought to himself but he couldn't get his mouth to form the words. He didn't look away from the body. Blinking was the same as letting her slip away. He forced himself to breathe, to focus.
Remus pressed his hands to the chest, feeling for anything, irregular breathing, a skipped heartbeat, something. He could do it, he had to do it. He couldn't fail her a second time. He began to push down harder, never thinking he would pray for a handful of choked breathing or twitching.
"Remus! Come on," A hand on his shoulder tried to pull him away. He jumped at the contact, they wanted him away from the body. The gurgling blood that coated his entire body. The terrible twitching that- twitching! Dead bodies can't twitch. He remembered. He kept going with the CPR in hopes he could do better. "Remus, stop it. You need to-"
"No! I can help her!"
"Her?!" The voice in front of him sounded deeply offended in an almost comical way.
He stopped. The voice was coming from the no longer twitching body. As if a scene fading on screen, the situation folded. The previously twitching body was now sitting upright and looked a lot like James. No, it was James. No, it is James. The voice behind him was Sirius, who had a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. Not trying to pull him off of the dead body.
Remus let out a terrible sob. The blood coating his body proved to be sweat.
James sipped on the bottle of water being held by Sirius. He was sitting against the chair and despite having just fainted, didn't look too bad.
"Remus, what's going on?" Sirius asked gently. In reply, Remus clamped his shaking hand over his mouth in a failed attempt to hide his wail. His breathing was loud and pathetic and made it impossible to keep himself up. James wordlessly slid over for Remus to sit properly. Remus was still shaking too much to sit still, the heaving sobs he let out shaking his entire body and occasional grunts coming out as he panted.
"Mate, what happened to you?"
"I- She-" He cut himself off with another pained sob.
"Who is this she you keep mentioning?" James asked. Remus shook his head, trying to slow his breathing.
"Hey, was it Aliya? Is this how it happened, losing the girl you travelled with?" Remus didn't add anything but he nodded. "I'm sorry, really. You aren't selfish."
It wasn't much, but even the soul fact that Remus didn't regret the boys knowing about his past was enough to make him feel okay.