*I grew up pretending sticks were little guns
I would point 'em at my dad and he'd get mad
'Cause God forbid I'd hurt someone
I'd hurt anyone I could
Anyone who got too close
And anyone who wouldn't look*
Reggie was three when he first got “properly punished”. Sirius had started to learn little spells with a practice wand a few weeks ago and Reggie loved to watch his brother do magic. His brother’s magic was warm, safe, not like their parents’ and he wanted to know if his would be like that too.
So, it was a harmless curiosity that pushed him to sneak into Siri’s room and take his wand while he was downstairs with their father learning etiquette or something boring like that. Reggie hated those lessons, even more now that their parents have decided to separate his lessons from Sirius’.
And Reggie isn’t dumb, he knows he needs to be careful with magic, his brother told him so. He had memorized one of Sirius’ spells, “Lumos”, Reggie won’t admit it to anyone but it’s his favorite one, he hates the dark. He grabs the wand and focusses, moves it just like he has seen his brother do and whispers the spell. He frowns when it doesn’t work and tries again.
Light blinds him for a second and he is sure that there isn’t supposed to be that much light, he jumps and lets the wand fall to the sound of his mother’s voice. She shouts and Reggie hates the name that is coming out of her lips, hates what it represents and fears the anger behind it.
Sirius tries but there is no way he can take the blame for him this time, he was with their father. Instead, Sirius is left with a bleeding and sobbing three year old that climbs to him as if he is his whole world, with the responsibility of calming down a kid when he is barely four himself. They don’t act or think like other kids, they have matured far too soon in order to survive in a world that doesn't believe in childhood.
*I was born into a one hundred-year storm
Foot of ice across Vermont
And in that dark, and in that frost
A heart was formed
Malcontented and unwarm
You were unprotected, and not unwarned*
Regulus is fifteen when he spends Christmas alone for the first time. He doesn’t cry and he doesn’t show any weakness for his parents to take advantage of. They finally use his name and the right pronouns and he can’t even feel a single drop of the euphoria he thought he would feel. The only reason they are doing it it’s because they want a boy as heir. It’s also a constant reminder of the empty seat next to him in every meal.
That empty seat was the first one to know about him being trans, even when neither of them could understand the meaning of Regulus’ feelings. That empty seat was the only one to ever protect Regulus, to listen, to comfort him. That empty seat cut his hair and let him put on his clothes. That empty seat made sure to learn the spells to make Regulus look like he wanted so he could start Hogwarts feeling himself. That empty seat was his only reason to live for a long time, the most brilliant star in a house full of darkness.
The worst part is that Regulus isn’t mad, he can’t, not when it’s the first time Sirius has chosen himself over him, not after seeing his body give up that night. The image of his brother laying on the floor, trembling, blood spilling from fucking everywhere, it’s going to haunt Regulus’ nightmares until he dies.
However, he is feeling a lot, so much he can’t even name it. And at the same time, he feels hollow, his body an empty shell. He keeps going with his life, listens to his parents, nods when he has to nod and stands up when he has to stand up. Then he cries himself to sleep every night.
Maybe he's just not enough. Not brave enough to run with his brother. Not cruel enough to follow his parents lifestyle. Not enough of a boy for them to accept him as their son without wanting something in return. Not enough of a girl to feel comfortable in his own body. Not strong enough to handle his own life without breaking down when he is alone. Regulus is just not enough and he has come to accept it as a fact.
*I’m the trouble ahead and I scream in my sleep
Put your money on red, I'm a sure bet at a losing streak
I keep showing you doors, but you can’t opеn them up
It gets harder to see mе the closer you try to look*
Regulus is still fifteen the first time James Fucking Potter approaches him alone, they returned from Christmas break a week ago. James sits next to him on the floor of the astronomy tower and “How the hell did he know where to find Regulus?”
- Hi, Reggie.
Regulus has to look away from that smile, it’s blindening. He frowns because of course he would use that childish nickname.
- Don’t call me that, Potter.
His brother’s best friend tilts his head to the side as if he were a fucking dog. Regulus doesn’t even try to stop his eyes from rolling.
- Okay, I wanted to talk with you.
Regulus hopes the glare he sends him transmits the message he wants it to because “Oh, really? Couldn’t have guessed”
- About? I don’t have all night.
James lays down and stares at the ceiling. Regulus has never seen The James Potter insecure of talking to anyone and that does catch his attention.
- Well, I wanted to check on you, you know?
Regulus should have seen it coming, actually. James is James, he can’t stand to see his friends hurt and he probably is having this conversation with him for Sirius’ sake.
- I’m perfectly fine, Potter. You can go back to your red and golden paradise now.
- You don’t look fine, you know you can always come to my place too, right?
Regulus stands up, he is not having this conversation with his fucking crush. He has spent years building the walls that now protect his heart and he is not gonna let them down just because James has a saviour complex. After all, he is never going to be good enough.
- I don’t want your pity and I don’t want your help.
- That’s not-
But Regulus is already out of the tower and even if he would always deny it, running away. He is running from James not because he is afraid of him, he is a ball of sunshine that wouldn’t hurt a fly. No, Regulus is afraid of the possibilities that his question just opened, the endless ways it could go wrong but especially the ways it could go right. Regulus doesn’t deserve it.
*I’d had steered clear, babe, but you’re the one who decided to knock
You knock*
Regulus can’t say he is surprised when James keeps showing up at the astronomy tower. And he knows he could just stop going there or tell him to fuck off but he finds himself waiting for it every day, feelings he doesn’t want to acknowledge now warming his chest every night. James doesn’t bring up the same topic from that first night, he doesn’t call him Reggie either. In fact, he asked if he could call him Reg and well, Regulus couldn’t just say no to those puppy eyes so he told him to do whatever he wanted.
James is not that bad of a company, he asks Regulus about his day, asks him about the stars and constellations they see and he respects his space. There are days when Regulus doesn’t feel like talking and instead of being mad or disappointed by not getting answers, James just keeps yapping with a smile. Other days they both need a bit of calm and they sit in silence, sometimes shoulders and knees pressed together.
Regulus promised himself not to but how can anyone not fall for James Potter when he keeps being there day after day. So the next time he asks, the day before summer break, Regulus decides he can be brave and ends up at the Potters. He didn’t know family could be like this and he definitely didn’t know parents could be as gentle, warming, comforting and safe as James’, though that explains a lot. Also, maybe there are not any parents even near to what Effie and Monty are.
Maybe Regulus is not enough but maybe he can be happy anyway.
*Have you ever stared directly at the sun?
Have you ever shared some closeness so exposed to have it spit back by someone?
So, forgive me if I jump at the rattle of your keys
"Oh, are you leaving?" "No, babe, I'm just waking up"
But now what? I'm not staring at the ceiling
Listing reasons you should pack all your shit up*
Regulus is nineteen, in his own apartment when a sound suddenly wakes him up. Keys, more important, James’ keys. Maybe if he had stopped to think about it, if he hadn’t had a nightmare last night or if this were just a good day, his mind wouldn’t have gone there.
- ¡James!
Regulus is in front of his boyfriend before he can even open the door. James turns around, confused, but Regulus can only focus on the keys he is carrying and the bag on his shoulder and he can’t breathe. His lungs don’t work as they should, he knew this would happen, he has always known. James wouldn’t stay, he has stayed far too long already, he is probably tired of him already. James is just too nice to say so.
- Reg, love, you need to listen to me, okay? I’m here, you are safe. We are at our apartment and nothing can hurt you.
James keeps talking, his voice soothing and calm, it’s not the first time one of them has an anxiety attack, they know what to do. Regulus grabs James’ hand and closes his eyes, slowly steading his breathing. He is here now, Regulus can be selfish and ask for a last kiss or hug before he goes, he can’t stop him but that’s alright. Regulus was never going to be enough, he enjoyed it while it lasted.
He finally looks at his partner, if he can still refer to him as that.
- There you are, my little prince.
They are on the couch and Regulus doesn’t bother wondering how or when they arrived here.
- Do you want to talk about what triggered it?
Regulus frowns and looks away, he can’t just keep things from James. They know each other too well even if there is a little voice in his head that reminds him that he thought James was happy with him yesterday.
- Are you leaving?
James tilts his head and Regulus can’t help but remember a younger James doing the same gesture under the stars.
- I was gonna have breakfast with Lily, I told you yesterday, didn’t I?
And oh, he did know that. James had in fact told him about this yesterday while they were having lunch. Now Regulus just feels pathetic.
- Oh, I thought…
And it says a lot about their relationship that he doesn’t need to finish the sentence for James to get it. A hand gently grabs his chin, leading his head to look at his boyfriend again.
- I love you, Regulus. There is nothing in this world that could ever make me leave you if you still want me by your side. You are the love of my life, mi propia estrella.
Regulus curses the red that he knows is all over his face and ears. He throws himself into James’ open arms and the knot he didn’t remember forming in his stomach loosens.
- You are a fucking sap, I love you too.
*I’m the trouble ahead and I scream in my sleep
You put your money on red, I'm a sure bet at a losing streak
I keep showing you doors, but you can’t open them up
It gets harder to see me the closer you try to look*
James ends up calling Lily and telling her they need to meet another day even if Regulus insists he is fine and doesn’t need James to cancel his friends for him. Regulus has studied a lot on his own about psychology and abuse, he didn’t want to go to a specialist no matter how many times the Potters offered to look for a good one he could feel comfortable with. And sometimes, or more like all the time, he is frightened of becoming even the slightest like his parents.
Most of all, he is terrified of making James feel like he did. It has been already established that he is not having a good day. Nonetheless, keeping your partner away from his friends is a sign of psychological abuse. Yes, Regulus did memorize all the books. And this fact isn’t helping his mindset right now.
- Just go, I’m fine.
James shakes his head and gestures to how Regulus is leaning on him.
- I would if you needed space but I can see you need quite the opposite.
Regulus frowns, he doesn’t move. James is right, he needs reassurance.
- I don’t want to keep you from seeing her.
- I know and you are not, darling. You are having a bad day and I want to be here for you cause I love you and I care about you. I can alway see Lily. Right now, I’m right where I wanna be. So, wanna watch Narnia?
That smirk drives Regulus mad, what on earth has he done to deserve such an amazing boyfriend Regulus doesn’t know. He is gonna ask Lily to meet with James tomorrow anyway, he knows James was excited to know about her new project. James stays and they watch movies all day and order takeout.
Maybe, just maybe, Regulus was enough.
*I’d have steered clear, babe, but you’re the one who decided to knock
I’d have steered clear, babe, but you’re the one who decided to knock
But you knocked
And you knocked*