Letters

 Teddy had always been told about how his parents had been so in love with each other, how their romance had overcome werewolf legislation, stigma, and war. He never had any reason to doubt this, he had wedding rings, tons of testimonials, and of course his own self as proof. That was until fall of his sixth year, when he received a package from Harry Potter with a note:

Found this hidden in Sirius’ things, it belonged to your dad. XX Harry and Ginny

Teddy pocketed the chocolate frogs which had accompanied the box and rushed back to his dorm room, abandoning his breakfast. He closed the curtains around his bed and tore off the brown paper wrapping. The box itself was a large Doc Martens box, surprising Teddy, his dad had never seemed like the type of person to wear Docs from pictures and descriptions of him, but maybe he was cooler than Teddy had realised. The black boot on the label looked exactly like the pair that Teddy wore. In one corner “Property of R. J. Lupin” had been scrawled carelessly. Teddy took a deep breath before opening the box. It was always strange for him, hearing stories and seeing pictures of his father, missing someone that he had never met. It wasn’t sad in the way that most people seemed to expect, but weird, indescribable.

At the top of the box was a black leather jacket, neatly folded and aggressively compressed; Teddy suspected magic must have been used to make it fit into the shoebox. As he pulled the jacket out, a half-full cologne bottle fell from inside of it, onto the bed. Teddy pulled on the jacket, which was just the right size to fit over his jumper, and sprayed the cologne once. The smell was cool, masculine, expensive, not at all how he had thought his father would smell. He had never thought about it explicitly but he realized he had always pictured warm smells, like cinnamon or wood, but between the docs and motorcycle jacket, he had clearly been misjudging R. J. Lupin. He peered into the box once more, it appeared to be filled the rest of the way with letters written in his father’s recognizable chicken scratch. Teddy pulled out the top page and read hungrily, hearing his father’s words for the first time.

June 21, 1996

Dear Sirius,

I thought it might help to write. Over the last year, nothing was ever certain, but I always knew that when I would come back from a mission you would be there. As much as you hated being trapped in that house, it gave me reason to survive that I hadn’t had since the first war. And I admit, it was refreshing to know, for the first time in my life, that you weren’t off doing anything stupid and reckless, that I didn’t have to worry about losing you again. But you managed to do it anyway because who are you if not stupid and reckless. It’s hard to be angry at you, knowing that you did it for Harry. You stupid, reckless, brave man, I can’t hate you, no matter how hard you try to make me. That’s always been my problem. I miss you like a hole in my heart. Tonks says the same. I’m staying with her for now, keeping her from breaking apart over you keeps me alive and for now I’ll keep writing these letters, hopefully they’ll be a bit more coherent in the future.

1996, his parents had started living together, although it didn’t sound like they were together yet. Teddy wondered if the letters would chronicle their love story. He didn’t know much about Sirius, he heard his name often enough from his grandmother and from Harry, but he had never asked further. He knew he had been his dad’s best friend, but never knew that they had lived together. The next letter was addressed to him as well.

June 25, 1996

Dear Sirius,

 I bet you don’t remember this, but there was a day where Lily and I were waiting on you and James to come back from a mission. It must have been 1980 because Lily was so pregnant the cat couldn’t sit on her lap and I remember it got very upset. That day James came back and you didn’t, he didn’t know where you’d gone because he’d thought that you were right behind him. James almost apparated straight back to you, but Lily and I convinced him to stay. We were all so certain that you were dead, I was making funeral plans in my head. I told myself that I wasn’t allowed to cry because I was twenty and stupid and didn’t want to admit that I had emotions, especially about you, like James and Lily didn’t already know. Some 20 minutes in James broke down, fully on the floor, I swore he was going to die, too, of a broken heart or because he wasn’t breathing. By the time you flounced in (sorry, masculinely walked in) with a couple of shopping bags because you wanted new muggle clothes, we had righted him, but he was about catatonic, but of course seeing you fixed everything. Anyway, this is the third time I’ve lost you forever and the second time I’ve mourned your death. You would think that I would be better at it by now.

Love, Remus

June 28, 1996

Pads,

I miss you even more leading up to the moon. I bet you’re missing pre-moon me, too. Even when you were barely around, you managed to make yourself available just before every full moon. Horny bastard. I would tell you what I would do to you if you were here but best not to put it down in writing, I’ll leave it up to your imagination.

At this point, Teddy’s eyes were wide and his jaw dropped open, but he read on in morbid curiosity.

 It’s a strange combination of emotions, but better than the despair we’ve been dealing with here. Tonks isn’t doing much better, she hasn’t found a coping mechanism that works for her yet. I don’t think she’s ever lost anyone before. I wish I weren’t an expert, but it does make it easier to bounce back. Speaking of which, I’m rejoining the pack this moon, it’ll be good to have a pack, the wolf misses Padfoot every time you’re away. Don’t worry, you’ll still be constant on my mind, you never haven’t been, by the way, you never had to try for my attention, I wish I’d ever told you that, but it was fun to watch you make a fool of yourself for me. I hope Tonks will be okay without me, I’ll probably call Andy in while I’m gone. She’s doing alright by the way, she’s lost you as many times as I have, we’re both staying strong for Tonks, and of course for Dumbledore.

Kisses and whatever else, Your Moony

Teddy’s hand dropped to his lap as he stared open-mouthed at the curtain in front of him. His dad and Sirius had been, what, dating? Shagging? “Even when you were barely around” must have been during the first war if Sirius had been in jail then “trapped in that house”. Had they been together since then? Teddy felt slightly betrayed at not knowing this clearly crucial information about his dad. Had no one told him because they thought he couldn’t handle it? Or for his dad’s reputation? Or had no one else known? Had his mum known that the man that she married was her cousin’s ex? At the same time, Teddy felt closer to his dad than ever, everyone told him how much they looked alike, and here was another thing that they had in common. It must have been hard for him to be Teddy’s age in the 70s. When Teddy had kissed a boy outside the Three Broomsticks the previous Hogsmeade weekend, someone had cheered for them, if his dad had tried that, Teddy didn’t want to think about what might have happened to him. He couldn’t really blame him for keeping the secret. He only hoped that his mum had known. He reached for the next letter.

 June 30, 1996

Fuck, Pads,

Tonks just kissed me. I was going to say goodbye to her and make sure everything was good before I left, and she told me that she would be waiting for me, and then she just kissed me. What am I supposed to do? This can’t happen. This absolutely can not happen. I care about her too much, and obviously I don’t even like girls. I told her no, of course, but we still have to work together, and I’m still worried about her, and people can’t just stop having feelings, I know that too well. What would Lily do? FUCK.

Teddy realised that he had stopped breathing and inhaled, the smell of the cologne filling his lungs, choking him. Didn’t even like girls? But he had come around, clearly he had changed his mind. It must have just been the shock, of course it would be shocking for someone to kiss you unexpectedly, especially so soon after your lover’s death. His dad just needed time, in the next letter he’d reconsider. Teddy grabbed it.

July 15, 1996

Dear Sirius,

Throwing myself into work is the best thing I can do. Everything’s crazy right now, you remember, I’m sure you’re very jealous of me right now, you always loved the fight. It definitely makes a good distraction. Order meetings couldn’t be going worse. Everyone’s being weird around me. Molly keeps trying to talk up Tonks and push us to sit together and everything. I think everyone in the Order is rooting for us to be together. You’re very jealous, I’m sure, but don’t worry about me, I’ve become better about giving in to peer pressure. I miss you and James and Lily. I miss having people on my side. I know I sound whiny and childish, but you’re whiny and childish all the time, let me have my moment. I’m so tired all the time. I don’t even have a bed to sleep in, I’ve been moving around. You’re yelling back that you could have left me money, I don’t regret that at all, Harry deserves it. Hopefully Dumbledore will find somewhere that I can be useful soon.

Love, Moony

Surely the next one.

July 27, 1996

My love,

Had a run in with Dementors today. All I could see was you as you fell. That’s still all I can see, but trying to spin it, they won’t get me today. You were so strong to come out the other end of 12 years of Azkaban, I’m sure you saw James every time they came near you. You looked so beautiful as you fell, because it was impossible for you to ever not look beautiful. My patronus thoughts are all you, they’ve always been all you. Did I ever tell you that I cast my first patronus the day of our first kiss, before things turned messy of course. The one good thing about death is that a person becomes just happy thoughts, I have no reason to remember the mess. I’m trying to think like James, glass half full, I’ll be alright.
Love, Remus

The next one was short, Teddy only skimmed it.

July 31, 1996

Dear Padfoot,

Tough moon last night, but Harry’s doing well. You’d be proud of his O.W.L. scores. Everything else is shit. Living through two wars is something I’d never wish on another person. Every day, I think I’m going to lose everyone again. Maybe I’m being a little self-destructive, a little reckless, a little like you, but I have so little left to lose. I’m going to win this fucking war whatever it takes.

 Your Moony

Teddy pulled out a stack of the letters and set them aside, skipping to one dated in October.

October 31, 1996

My Padfoot,

I don’t remember a single Halloween from 1982-1992 because every single Halloween I got drunk enough to stop thinking. About James and Lily, of course, but as the years passed it became more and more about you. About how stupid I was to ever love you, and how stupid I was to still love you, because I never stopped. I think I hated myself more for that than for being a werewolf sometimes. This Halloween, I went on a tour of graves, starting with you and Regulus (I know it would upset you that I visited him, but we both know our opinions differ here), then James and Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, and Benjy. I hope you like the flowers I brought you, maybe red roses are a bit uncreative but I’m not really a flower expert. I got them from Mary’s shop, I wish she were there to bring them around with me, but at least she still remembered me, its been a couple years. Maybe I should start buying flowers more often, any requests? Anyway, I probably cried more today than I ever have, you would call me a pussy and I would tell you that you’re just emotionally stunted. But Halloween memories aren’t all bad, remember the prank we pulled for Halloween our 7th year? And remember the party after, where James went off with Lily and Pete (sorry to even say his name) passed out in the common room and we had the room to ourselves? Maybe you were too drunk to remember, but I certainly do, you said a lot of things that you would have never said any more sober, and that’s the first time I realised we could be something more than friends who fuck. I can give James and Lily back Halloween now, you have your own day. Of course, the morning after Halloween is when your birthday starts, since you can’t just take one day, I’m thinking I’ll bring you flowers and chocolate cake. I hope that grocery store cake is okay, I can’t afford bakery.

 Love always, Moony

He seemed to fall in love with Sirius more every day that he was gone. It was the kind of story that Teddy would have loved had it been about any other two people or at any other time, but less than a year out from his parents’ wedding it just seemed all wrong. What could have happened? Teddy skipped through to December and read anxiously on.