“I don’t wanna die Moons…” Padfoot choked through the blood, spewing strands of thick red liquid, tears mixing with it and running down the side of his face, staining the dusty ground beneath them. The dull sun rose behind Moony, dimly lighting his honey colored hair to a bright caramel hue. He said nothing in response, his voice failing him to utter a weak sigh. Carefully, slowly, he reached his hand to his lover’s, tangling their bloody fingers together languidly. The stars in the sky were dim, almost unrecognizable. The north star, Polaris, was the only one bright enough to be seen against the smoke and fog clouding the sunrise. Sirius, although unmoving, kept his eyes on Remus, his mind racing and his thoughts pacing around his head as he fought to squeeze Moony’s hand.
I told him everything would be alright, I told him he’s strong, that we could do this together. He raised an ink and blood covered arm to swipe the tears from Moony’ cheeks, letting it drop to the ground with a pained groan. A timid smile from Remus reciprocated the act.
I told him not to cry. Look what you’ve done, Sirius. He’s crying now, isn’t he? Furrowing his eyebrows in frustration, he blamed the boys’ condition on only his own, selfish actions.
You weren't dragged into this battle, you were the reason it had to be like this. Get up, carry him home! Get up!
The chants of a familiar group came faintly, voices echoing among the steady sun, now peaking through the smoke and shining scattered rays among the battlefield. Was it really over? Did they win? What would become of them if they lost? They had to have come out on top, or what was this all for?
Get up goddamnit!! You’re stronger than this!
The air was warm and stuffy, pleasing and suffocating at the same time. Sirius felt Remus’s hand lose its grip slightly, and his heart sunk deep into his empty stomach.
No. No, no, no. Not like this, not today!
Get up you coward!
Sirius screamed at himself, pushing his legs to move inch by inch, he reprimanded his body for not lifting itself up through the pain. In response, intense aches shot through his limbs, crippling the few inches he’d gained off the ground and back to the earth. The grass seemed to wrap around his legs and hold him tight, unlike Moony's slipping hand and faltering eyelids.
You told him we would do this together!
The voices from Prongs and Regulus gained both volume and desperation, chanting the two boys’ names across the field. Sirius opened his mouth to answer, yet a simple sigh was all that escaped. It mimicked a cry for help, and mocked his inability to prove himself worthy of living through this. He choked out more blood, this time in a much more asphyxiating amount. He felt his lungs rasping inside him, begging him to breathe through the pain.
“Moons, get up-” the only words he could cough out before the pain of a sob threatened to tear through him. The eyes that looked up through the dewy eyelashes at Sirius were slipping fast, and Sirius could feel his hands gripping at Remus's, which would not reciprocate the small amount of strength he had left. In his eyes, likely out of an unconscious act of desperation, his blurred vision changed. He saw Moony, right there in front of him, laying down on the battlefield, but as the little 12 year old boy he first sat down next to at the Gryffindor table.
Sirius’s name was chosen for the house of courage and bravery, earning the strange boy’s immediate approval. He looked at him with the same eyes then as he would years later, after the first confession. Sitting on the common room couch, completely alone, he saw his future in the chocolate eyes sat before him. He looked at him as he would at the altar. Full of light, of love, and of likeness to the atmosphere in the church room. Surrounded by love, as he always was with Remus. Never doubted, always followed, always cherished and worshipped, the kisses which were scattered along his body through the years outweighed the scars produced by the first moons they had spent together.
Although it was in his best interest to fool himself, he knew the visions weren’t real. His mind was letting the best memories take over the cloudy eyes which stared slightly behind him now. He took a brutal note of his eyes. There was nothing in them. No grip in his hands, none at all. Chest completely still. Completely backlit from the rosey sun, he saw that Moons couldn’t fight it. The voices which reached Sirius’s ears were blocked out by his brain, full of only the words Remus had said to him. From the first moment they met, the judgment to be proved wrong, to the last words he said before the curses racked through their bodies, mere moments before now.
“Quite the tacky outfit, then. What an amazing first impression.”
“Blokes? Really? I would've never thought-”
“I hope you feel the same, Pads… and it’s alright if you don’t want to be friends anymore”
“I’ve got an idea for a prank.”
“I’m so sorry… I love you, Pads…”
“Sirius Orion Black…”
“In sickness, and in health…”
“I do”
“What other choice do we have?! You want it your way, that’s fine!”
“I’m sorry Sirius.”
“I love you, Sirius… Let’s do this together.”
“Narcissa! Pads, watch out!”
The faintest smile crept up on Sirius’s face as he dreamt with his eyes fluttered open, his own strength leaving his body as he silently wept. In peace, the only ache he felt was deep within his heart. He will never see his Moony again. Should he leave the battlefield before his body does, it will be only in heaven that he’ll hear the honey sweet words prick “I love you’s” into his mind again. Not once more will he feel the fire lick at his skin with a single touch, he will never get the grace of feeling Moony’s body next to his at night. No more moons spent running around the forest together. Early morning tea, kisses in the shower, reassurances, he will never again get to kiss the hundreds of scars that sink into his skin again. It’s all gone to shit, and there’s nothing left of him anymore. Without the words, the touches, the kisses, the hugs, the showers, the love he never quite experienced before Moony, he has nothing left. Whether the war was won in their favor, in James’s favor, Regulus’s, it mattered not. His soul will be left here next to his dead lover’s body no matter where he goes, whether he’s found by his brother or the stag, nothing else is of any importance.
He’d like to rest here, anyways. The sun has risen above the smoke, shining the perfect amount of golden light on Remus’s face. Every scar carved deep into his bodice, made him ever so much more beautiful. He could let his body host maggots and flower seeds, should it mean he dies with Moony. At night, he would never need to worry about the moon, he’ll die here anyways.
He’ll die here, anyways.
He’ll die.
Here, with Remus.
His chest began to relax. His hand now peacefully resting upon Remus’s, now cold and unmoving. The tears, although they still fall, will water the wildflowers soon to come. He couldn’t care less what happened to him now, only fantasize the rest of good deeds he could do for the ground beneath his tired body.
Gory glory, what a hell of a way to die.
At peace.
In love.
What more could a dying star ask for than to not go out without a bang, but rather in love?
Truly, love is the brightest and loudest supernova of all.