Chapter 4
TITLE: You're the only friend I need
Sharing beds like little kids
That night as I slept, I remembered. And throughout all the week I remembered.
I remembered facing the boggart and how I lost consciousness (which made me understand Lupin’s apology), but not just that day. I remembered all the nightmares I had during my two previous years at Hogwarts. Those nightmares, that as soon as I woke up, I completely forgot what they were about. But now, I remember.
The cold.
The kind but commanding voice.
The flavour of those reddish sweets.
Tha pain and hunger from the time in the cell.
The fox that turned to stone in front of me.
Every scary thing I encountered because of the White Witch I remember.
Except it wasn't me, was it? It was King Edmund who faced those things. But the fear, the cold and the boggart felt so real to me that it's starting to become more difficult trying to separate both versions of Edmund.
Now I’m lying in bed trying to catch some hours of sleep, or at least some minutes, because I promised Draco a day at Hogsmeade and I slept less than 5 hours throughout this week. With the dreams and nightmares and memories, my brain cannot rest. I’m exhausted.
I get about an hour of shut-eye before another freezing nightmare wakes me up, and as I see the time, I surrender and start getting ready for the day.
I grab a bag to put the things I’ll need if we go to Hogsmeade (some galleons, a scarf and some mittens to fend off the cold) and some things to pass the time until my friends wake up (a fictional muggle book that my adoptive mother send me, a old notebook where I’m starting to write every detail about my dreams, and my wand).
I go to the Great Hall after making myself minimally presentable and pass the time taking a big cup of tea and reading the Daily Prophet. At this time there’s only people that woke up too early or people who haven’t slept at all.
There’s Professor Regulus Black, he’s the head of the Slytherin house and teaches potions, sitting next to Professor Lupin, who looks like he hasn’t slept much either. There’s also Professor Sprout, who seems like she has been awake for a while. And all over the house’s long tables there’s some students, mostly older students, eating and studying.
I take out the book I packed earlier, after reading the most interesting news in the newspaper, when out of the corner of my eye I see a familiar figure.
It’s Caspian, who looks like he just got out of Quidditch practice, which puzzles me because normally the practices don’t start this early. His darkish hair sticks to his forehead, but his eyes have a spark. He looks full of energy, which pisses me off, because seriously? This early and after Quidditch practice and you still have energy? He hasn’t even changed his red and golden uniform but he heads towards the Gryffindor table and sits waiting for the food to appear.
We haven’t seen each other a lot this week, just in passing, that it’s not to say that talking to him felt like finding a piece of home.
He hasn’t noticed me yet, so I turn back to my book so as to not bother him.
I read about two pages before I get the urge to look at him again.
He’s still there, still eating and stealing worried glances towards the professor's table. He turns his head and I find myself staring right at him and him staring right at me.
The smile his lips draw brightens his face, making me squint like I was staring at the sun. But I also smile at him and give him a little wave.
I go back to my book with my heart beating abnormally fast.
Some time later, as the Great Hall starts to fill in and Caspian has disappeared from the lions table, my friends sit around me.
Blaise looks the most awake of the three, Draco is still fussing over his hair and Pansy just drowns an entire cup of tea in a second.
“Morning”
“Good morning” Blaise’s the only one to respond, the other two more preoccupied with hair and tea.
“What’s happening to your hair Draco?”
“I don’t have any more hair-gel left and I can make it work” he says with a frustrated grunt.
I thank Merlin that Potter is still not at the Great Hall, because Draco would never forgive himself if he saw him like this.
Potter and Draco have kind of a strange history.
They met at Diagon Alley, shopping for the first year school supplies, but they didn’t introduce themselves to each other until they arrived at Hogwarts. They take house rivalry very seriously, especially at Quidditch. At second year, Draco wouldn’t stop complaining and whining about Potter making first line before him, but he went to every game, even if Slytherin was not playing. One of the reasons he strived so much to make first line this year, which he accomplished.
They banter and tease each other like friends, but also fight like enemies on different sides of a war. Especially in first year, I don’t remember how their first encounter was, but it left a mark and during that year they competed for everything and anything.
They matured a little during this time and nowadays they also have quiet moments together. When Potter asks for help in Potions in exams season, because Draco is second best and no one can bother Granger on those times. When they sit next to each other in some classes or have to work together, mostly because the professors push them to. Or when Pansy and Granger hang out together and as their friends they end up hanging out too.
I take pity on him and offer him help to tame his luscious locks. I’ve done this lots of times, and now that he’s grown his hair it's easier. I comb with my fingers and make a french braid ending it in a little ponytail. I’ve learned a lot from helping Lucy when Susan wasn’t home, and it’s sorta relaxing when you know what you’re doing.
“Done”
“Thanks” he turns around and starts putting food on his plate. “Do you need help covering those eyebags?”
“What?”
“Yeah, I could fit all my books in those bags” Pansy jumps, suddenly awake.
“Pans, don’t exaggerate.” Blaise says, and then turns to me. “Although if you want to go to Hogsmeade today maybe you’ll need some charms to cover those.”
“Or, “ Draco starts, lengthening the o, “you could go to Madam Pomfrey and ask her for a dreamless potion so you can finally have a good rest.” He looks at me with a sudden serious face. “We sleep in the same dorm. I noticed.”
I don’t really know how to respond to that. I spent since I woke up today trying not to think about the week I’ve been going through, because today was supposed to be about Draco and making him feel better, and just like that, with just a few words, everything comes rushing in.
The exhaustion I was trying to ignore, the memories I’ve been writing because I can’t get them out of my mind, the fact that I’m still terrified of going to a DADA class…
“I’m sorry, I was supposed to comfort you today, not the other way around.”
“Don’t be stupid, what happened to me will happen again, you’ll have your chance.” which kind of surprises me with the lightness that he says it. “Besides, I’ve got Blaise and Pansy.”
“And a butterbeer with your name on it” exclaims the girl.
“And that” with a disgusted expression. “And when you are ready you’re going to explain to us what’s keeping up at night”
“Or who” Blaise adds to stir up the pot.
A chuckle escapes my lips and we all end up laughing, leaving the tense atmosphere behind.
____________
As I enter the infirmary, after saying goodbye to my friends, thinking about how to ask for a dreamless potion without having to explain why I need it, I hear voices that come from the back.
It’s Madam Pomfrey who’s talking to Professor Lupin. She looks worried and angry, which is kind of her default mode, but I’ve never seen her like this with our DADA Professor.
“Hello?” I ask, making myself known.
“Oh, mister Patterson, what are you doing here?” She turns to me with a complete personality change.
“I was hoping you could give me a dreamless potion?”
“No”
“I know the risks…” I try to explain myself but she interrupts me again.
“No, as in, unfortunately, I’ve run out” my disappointment seems to show in my face because she continues. “I am really sorry. Can I do anything else to help you?”
“No, don’t worry”
I turn around and get out of the infirmary, a little disappointed, planning to head out to bed and hope that sleep comes.
“Patterson, hey”
I turn around seeing Professor Lupin walking towards me.
He looks better than some hours ago, more awake and more presentable.
“Could I talk to you?”
_____
I find myself at his office.
It’s homey, which surprises me, and a little messy, which doesn’t. He’s got books thrown all over, a gramophone that he’s used in some classes on a table in the side and a little table with cups, a kettle and what seems to be cocoa.
“Would you like some hot chocolate?”
I nod, surprised at the offer, and after a moment he hands me a cup with hot chocolate and some marshmallows floating around. It reminds me of my father and simpler nights before Hogwarts where the four siblings would sit around the fireplace with a big cup of hot cocoa and listen to his stories. I take a sip, noticing the sweetness and hotness of the drink fill my body.
He sits next to me with his own cup and turns to me.
“How have you been feeling this week?” he pauses, expecting my response. “I know what happened at my class on Monday affected you. I just wanted you to know that if you ever need to talk, I’ll listen.”
I don’t really know how to respond. I don’t think I have enough trust in him to explain to him about my nightmares. So, I try to divert the conversation by asking him about another subject entirely.
If he notices my intentions, he doesn’t comment on them, and we end up talking and drinking our chocolates for a while.
After some time, I take some courage and ask him:
“Professor, is there a way to fight fear?” He looks at me confused. “Like I know how to fight a boggart, well the theory at least, but how do you fight a feeling?”
He turns his sight to his cup and lets out a sigh.
“It’s difficult to explain it, but for me what works is focusing on another feeling. Like when you feel afraid or sad, you can think about something that makes you happy. Like your family” but then he sees my expression and adds. “ or your friends.”
As he says that I think about the friends I made in Hogwarts and how they’ve changed my life.
From my housemates to my duel club’s colleagues and even the new acquaintances I made.
“Thank you Professor, that really helped. And thank you for the chocolate.”
I stand up to leave, having a plan in mind of what I’ll do, when he says.
“Edmund, before you leave. I have a dreamless potion, if you really need it?” I nod eagerly. “Use it wisely and don’t abuse it, it’s extremely addictive. With a quarter of this you can have a little nap, before your friends get back from Hogsmead.”
He hands me the bottle with the purple potion
“Are you sure you don’t need it?” I ask, because he had it for something, right?
“Don’t worry, I have family and friends that can help me, I’ll be fine.”
With that I remember today at breakfast when Professor Black and Lupin were sitting next to each other, I guess they are friends.
As I get out of his office, I notice a big black dog entering it.
I guess he’s also friends with animals.
_____________
I wake up after the longest and most profound nap I ever had, without a single dream or nightmare, in the pillowfort I made for tonight’s plans.
I decided to tell them everything. Not just to Draco, but also to Blaise and Pansy. They are my friends and I trust them.
Blaise that accompanies me in my moments of silence and people watching, more like people judging, and is the only one that can match me in a chess game.
Pansy that is the sole reason why I know all the gossip about Hogwarts. And how I know the best and cruelest hexes, sometimes you have no choice but to protect yourself.
And Draco, my first friend at Hogwarts. He taught me how to tie my tie after the first few times where I would appear in class with it crooked. Nowadays he always fixes it up for me, murmuring something about always being presentable, in return I help him style his lengthy hair. He’s always so formal with others, but with his friends he’s capable of full belly laughing without a care in the world. He has a fondness for really old and interesting pureblood wizards traditions, and has taught me his favorites. In return, I introduced him to the amazing world of muggle literature that my mother taught me. He understands my family problems, even if his are slightly different. He’s the kind of friend who will help you to be greater.
They’ve been with me since the beginning and I’m hoping that it doesn’t change.
I prepare my notebook with all notes about my dreams and what I’m going to explain to them, so I don’t get sidetracked, and I call a house elf from the kitchens so they can prepare me some simple dinner for me and my friends.
When I’m finally satisfied with all the preparations, the pillowfort with lots of fluffy blankets and a little space in the middle with all the food, I go down to the Slytherin common room to see if they are back.
I locate the tallest of my friends and look out to only find a blond blob at his side, but not a raven-haired blob.
“Hey, where’s Pansy?” I say, as I approach them, startling Draco.
“Hey, how are you?” Blaise asks as he greets me.
“Better, thanks”
“Pansy hasn’t come back yet. She told us she’d meet us here.” Draco responds. He looks distressed. The braid I made to him this morning has come off and his eyes keep shifting around.
“Could you go up to our dorm and change into your nightclothes while I wait for her?” They both look at me with confusion. “We are having a sleepover” I murmur excitedly.
They agree and leave, with a little uncertainty. Just are they are leaving I yell in their direction:
“And don’t touch anything!!”
The little amount of people that’s still in the common room throw glares at me.
I get comfortable in one of the couches closer to the fireplace, hoping that Pansy will not take long.
Thankfully, that doesn’t happen.
She appears at the entrance with a hurry that is unlike her and worries me.
I stand quickly, making my way in front of her so she sees me.
“Hey, Pansy, everything alright?”
“Ed, hey” she musters, catching her breath. “Have you seen Draco?”
“Yeah, him and Blaise have gone upstairs to change” I get close to her, look into her eyes and murmur very seriously. “We’re having a sleepover”
“Oh, oh” her gaze softens. “I got you. I’ll be there in five”
And just like that, I’m alone again.
I go up to our dorm, hoping that the boys haven’t destroyed all my work.
I don’t know why I still have hope with the friends I have.
I find myself in front of a disaster.
“Really guys!? I told you not to touch anything” I yell at them.
“I didn’t hear anything. Did you hear something?” Blaise goes looking his most innocent self with cheese smeared on his lips.
“No, no I didn’t” and of course Draco follows looking even worse.
I sigh, exasperated but fond, and ask for the chocolate, I too have a sweet tooth.
Pansy arrives a little later and, without even looking at us, dives for the fancy cheese.
__________
It’s not the first time we do this. The sleepover thing. Pansy already has a prepared bag for this kind of occasion.
First time we did it, we weren’t, all four of us, really friends.
It was in first year and Draco brought Pansy to our room because her roommates wouldn’t let her sleep. It was the first time I really talked to her. In that moment she reminded me of my little sister and the urge to protect her flare up. Later, I realized she didn’t need protection, and most times she ended up protecting me.
Blaise was the most silent one in our first year. He was like a shadow in our dorm, always reading or playing chess by himself. That first sleepover, he came out of his cocoon.
We changed a little over these two years and now we almost have a routine for these things. We eat, joke, play some exploding snap or chess, and well into the night, our tongues get loose with sleep and we start telling each other secrets.
This time I don’t wait that long to start talking.
“I have something to confess” I notice how they are all watching me expectantly. “about what I’ve been dreaming this week… And this past two years”
I start explaining everything, after some silence from their part, grabbing my notebook for the last bits and pieces I don’t remember clearly.
From the first seemingly idyllic dreams to the nightmares that have interrupted my sleep this last week.
From the investigation on dreams that Pansy started helping me with to the talk I had with Professor Lupin today, that seriously helped.
From the Caspian version of my dreams and my King version.
I finish telling all I know so far and look up, I didn’t even notice I had lowered my gaze, to find my friends’ eyes on me.
“So, you are telling us that you are a King?” Draco is the first to speak.
I nod.
“And that you’ve been dreaming of Caspian?” Pansy asks, always looking for the juicy gossip.
Before I have time to defend myself, Blaise starts speaking.
“Okay, you’ve researched information about dreams. Why not about souls?”
After that, we spend some time throwing theories and more things we could research, while Draco and Pansy give their teasing commentaries about my obvious superiority complex if I see myself as a King and my, also obvious according to them, love for the Gryffindor.
I ignore them, knowing they are, mostly, joking about it and focus on Blaise, thanking him.
“Why souls?” Draco asks, after a long time of teasing about the kind of things I’ve dreamt, a question I’ve not thought of asking.
“Well there’s a theory that dreams are part of your subconscious, right? So, if we connect your subconscious with your soul, it may be that a part of your soul is trying to talk to you?” He ends it like he’s now not so sure about what he’s saying. “I don’t know, maybe it’s nothing like that”
“No, no, you may be right” Pansy jumps, a new focused layer in her eyes. “In Divination Professor Trelawney is making us do a dream diary, like a recollection of what’s going on in our heads. That’s because, in theory, there’s lots of seers that have visions as dreams. Which means that the dreams connect them with their inner selves and that's why their powers appear in that moment. What I meant to say is there is a documented connection between our inner selves, our souls, and the dreams we have.”
“I think I understand the theory, but if my soul is trying to deliver a message with these dreams, could I directly talk to it and ask?”
“It could be possible” Draco murmurs, thinking face on. “Maybe with a potion before going to sleep or some ritual.”
“Wait, let me write it down” I grab the same notebook where I wrote what I wanted to explain to them today, and make a list of all the ideas and things to research they gave me. “I think I have everything. Thank you guys for listening and believing in me and helping and…”
I don’t notice it but the emotions of this week, especially today, get the best of me and I start crying inconsolably. All the scary feelings and the relief of having my friends here overwhelm me.
I hide my face, knowing I must look hideous right now, sobbing in my hands noticing the arms and warmth that envelops me.
We stayed embracing for some time, not being able to stop. When my sobs finally subsided, we got more comfortable and cuddled while Pansy painted our nails and Draco let me play with his hair.
Some time later, we are finally lying down in the makeshift beds I made earlier with pillows and enough blankets to keep us all warm, when the blonde speaks his truth.
“I think I’m falling for Potter”
“WHAT?”
“Called it”
“So, you were dreaming of Potter?”