“— I know you’re struggling. Living is hard sometimes, I understand. Do you want to talk about what’s been going on?” He continues with the recommended things to say at the beginning of these conversations.
It’s a lot of the same thing. Part of him really finds a comfort in the monotony of it. He likes that it helps people too. A month ago Regulus started working here. Volunteering, actually. That’s a better word for it. He doesn’t get paid, he doesn’t technically get anything out of this. Except that it feels good to help. It feels like he’s actually doing something for someone. For a lot of people.
He’s felt helpless before. Knowing that other people feel that way or even worse and he’s the one that they go to for help, it’s nice. He couldn’t be and wasn’t that for people that mattered to him before, so now that he gets to be, he enjoys it. As much as anyone can working at a crisis help line. He ends up here more than most of the other volunteers. Always taking another shift when he has the time. Which he has a lot of lately. This is the first time he has found something worth while doing.
“Everything feels bad and overwhelming. Nothing is even happening, nothing has changed but it takes so much energy to do anything at all.” They say on the other end of the line.
“Have you tried finding any ways to switch things up?”
“Not really. I don’t know.”
“That’s okay. Can you tell me your name?” He pauses.
Though the headset he can hear them breathing. In this job, that’s always good. “Is it okay if I don’t?”
“Of course. You never have to say anything to me that you don’t want to. You can call me R, feel free to tell me an initial or a nickname if you like.” Regulus doesn’t give out his name either, it’s too unique that people would be able to find him and they are meant to keep a warm yet professionally distant rapport with anyone who calls.
“J.”
He tries not to notice the clench in his heart at that. “Okay J, I’m really glad you called. What are you doing right now?”
A lot of the time he’s found that people just need a distraction to keep from getting to a worse spot. He’s happy to give it to them. Talking wasn’t his strong suit when he was younger, he preferred to listen. The people around him preferred talking more than he did as well. Both his friend and his brother, he spent most of his time with them. Though whenever he wanted to talk, they were both there too, in the beginning at least. It was really good for a while, the three of them got on great and would hardly be without each other.
As they grew up things changed a bit. In more ways than one. Regulus and James grew closer, feelings started to develop. While he and his brother fought more. Sirius would pick fights a lot. After hard and bad days he would seek Regulus out but not for comfort, just to fight. It wasn’t until after that he figured out why. A year or so after was when Sirius explained it all to him. They were barely done being kids at that point. It was never his fault, they just didn’t understand each other and they were barely surviving as is. They’re much better now, helping each other more than they hurt each other.
Regulus in his teenage years was wrapped up in James. They were everything to each other. As feelings grew they seamlessly went from friends to more. Since they were so young and there was no clean cut day that things changed, they never labeled it. So technically they never started dating, which would mean they never broke up.
But they did. there may not have been a clear beginning, but there was an end.
That was years ago, sometimes he wonders what they are doing now. He hopes they are okay.
“Er— I… Are there things that I shouldn’t say? Like is this being recorded?”
“You aren’t being recorded. And you can say anything to me, I’m here to help. But if you mean will I call emergency services if you need, I only will if it’s urgent. Okay?”
“Right yeah, that’s okay. I-I’m just sitting here. Not doing anything.” They mumble into the phone.
He tries not to jump to any conclusions with anyone who calls, J is no different. “Alright, would doing something help do you think?”
“I’m tired…”
“Then we don’t have to do anything. Let’s just talk. How about you tell me about a book or show you’ve read or seen recently.”
They take well to this idea. J talks for almost twenty minutes and by the end seems to be feeling okay. He asks them to promise to take care of themself. It’s usually a somewhat empty promise, but for how long they were on the phone he manages to get something concrete out of them. They are going to wash their face and brush their teeth and drink a glass of water before going to bed. Regulus ends the call like he always does, he tells them to call back any time they need and that he cares about them.
He may not know them, but everyone deserves to be cared about.
Two days later Regulus is working a very weird shift; one in the morning until eight in the morning. He barely sleeps as it is, so whenever they need people in over night he’s willing. It honestly helps him as much as it hopefully helps anyone that calls in. He doesn’t admit that to anyone, it would probably get him kicked out of here. Not that forcefully, but they likely wouldn’t trust him to help the people on the other end of the line if they knew that he’s called himself before.
It’s a pretty slow night, which is a good thing really. He spends much of it reading to pass the time. No one is awake that he could be texting that he knows of, plus this is easier. The quiet as he reads is a nice contrast to when someone does call and he ends up talking for a while. The phone rings, for only the second time all night, at a little after half past three in the morning.
He answers right away. “This is the crisis help line, what can we do to help?”
Personally, Regulus hates starting the calls that way. He wouldn’t get in trouble for switching it up, especially when he is the only one here. There is no one to scold him for saying something more welcoming and warm. He just has never been able to figure out something that sounds better. Or even remotely nice to hear when someone is in distress.
“Hi, I’m er- having a bad night. I just— need someone to talk to.” A familiar voice comes through.
”J?” It falls out of his mouth before he can stop and think.
“R? You recognized my voice?” They ask and his cheeks flush. He shouldn’t, he knows he shouldn’t, but no one is around. He can’t help it.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to do that. Just, I’m glad you called again.”
It’s faint, but he almost can make out a little chuckle through the phone. That’s not really the goal, but helping in any way is a win. He can easily course correct though. He just needs to compose himself and help J in a standard way. Like talking through their feelings, or distracting them long enough that the overwhelming feeling goes away. Regulus understands it, he’s been there before. He can do exactly what he wishes someone would have done for him, in hopes that it does actually help.
“Are you?” They hum. “Can— do you mind if I just talk for a bit? It helps keep me from spiraling…”
The question catches him off guard, but what does even more is when they stammer to add to it before he can answer.
“You don’t have to listen, I mean it’s nothing. If you leave the phone on and go off and do anything else that’s okay. I just think talking might help.”
“J, pause for a second. I’m here, I’m listening.” He assures them.
They are on the phone for an hour. J talks about a lot of things, not about how they feel though. Nothing very personal or defining. The thing with this is that they sound so familiar but he can’t figure out why. It’s more than just that they called a few days ago too. The longer they talk the more at ease Regulus gets. It’s not about him feeling at ease, but he does usually make better progress and is more helpful when he can breathe on his own.
Luckily with J in the middle of a story, it becomes easier for them to fall into a rhythm. It feels like talking to an old friend in a way. Everything trails off in different directions eventually. Stories fraying at the edges, words hanging in the middle of a sentence. It’s clear that J is losing track of their thoughts, back to whatever feeling got them to call tonight. Figuring out how to get through that is the hard part.
A lot of people who call typically just want to be heard. They don’t want to feel crazy or that everything is going wrong. They want to find a bit of control in their situation again. Most people simply want to love and be loved. In the grand scheme of things it’s not a lot. He knows what that’s like. The most he can do is keep them on the phone because if they have someone to talk to then that means they aren’t doing anything else to harm themselves.
It’s been a few years but Regulus remembers when he called this same line. No one here now was the same person he talked to, he checked before coming to volunteer here. That’s not really a conversation he wanted to have. He called because no one else answered. The people he had, or thought he could always turn to no matter the distance between them, weren’t there in the end. Now if he can be there for anyone in the same way he’s content. No one should have to feel that alone in the end.
“Are you still there?” He asks after a long silence.
“Oh, yeah sorry.”
“It’s okay, do you want to keep talking?”
He can hear a sigh through the phone. “I don’t know. I’m tired…”
“That’s okay, J. It’s really late. What if you try getting some sleep?”
“Okay I can try.”
“Someone will be here if you need to call back.” He confirms, though he feels confident that they are just going to sleep.
Some days Regulus really isn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. Today is one of those days, except he was already committed to sitting by the phones for the crisis center. So here he his, simply hoping that no one calls. There are already missed texts on his phone that he’s avoiding answering and talking to strangers is harder than responding to his own brother. Most of the time at least.
All is going perfectly well. Until two minutes before he’s set to leave and the phone rings.
“This is the crisis help line, what can we do to help?” He plainly answers, but tries to sound less annoyed than he is.
“R?”
The tension in his shoulders ease slightly. “Hi J, it’s me yeah. Are you alright?”
Repeat callers aren’t the most common occurrence, but he was once one so he understands. Though concern does get heavier with each call. There’s only so much he or anyone else at the center can do for people who call. It’s not a cure to anything. At least there is a comfort in knowing that they are still calling rather than doing anything drastic. He composes himself and settles in knowing he won’t be leaving when he’s meant to.
“I— I don’t know. I can’t quite breathe.”
“That’s okay, can you tell me what you’re doing and where you are?” He knows this kind of thing, he knows how to help the best he can.
He’s been on both ends of this before. When he was younger he was always there for his best friend. They hated letting anyone see that they were struggling at all, they always put on a brave face. Which isn’t exactly their fault, Sirius and Regulus didn’t make it easy on them. The brothers were always dealing with so much, there wasn’t room for all three of them to be falling apart. He pushed it aside a lot of the time though. He would do anything for James back then.
Things change though. He hasn’t let himself think about them in months, years even. As best he can push them out of his mind he does. Except for the past week while at the crisis center. It wouldn’t be hard to find out what they are up to, Sirius still talks to them. They’re still best friends, like he was once considered part of too. Incredibly annoying, that is. His brother should be on his side in all of this. Regulus lost a lot when their relationship ended and his brother acts like nothing has changed a lot of the time.
“Are you still there?” He asks when J doesn’t respond, shaking the thoughts of James away.
They chose to end things, that’s on them, he shouldn’t be paying them any mind.
“Yeah. I’m just sitting on the floor. At home.” They slowly get the words out.
“Okay, that’s good. I’m going to give you a few little things to try to do to help you get control back.” Regulus starts to explain what he wants them to try.
Counting is an easy one, but sometimes too simple to actually be effective. His go to is slowly pressing each of his fingers against his thumb starting at his pinky and going in. As many times as it takes. Someone taught him to do that so long ago that now he does it without prompting. At even the smallest hint of anxiety. J seems to take well to this one, but even still Regulus offers a few more grounding exercises.
It helps, they start to sound better after five or ten minutes. He’s stopped paying attention to the time. Knowing that he’s more than late to the plans he had tonight, any more time hardly makes a difference. His brother can wait. Or they will reschedule, as they more often than not end up doing anyway. He’d rather not leave someone hanging that he knows he could help. Regulus has been left like that too many times before.
The center is busy a few days later. Busier than usual, but multiple people were asked to volunteer to come in to have extra support. He didn’t really ask any questions and came in an hour after they called him. Something about a high volume of calls. It’s better to have more of them there anyway, makes it less likely that anyone’s calls will go unanswered. It really truly sucks to call a crisis center and be put on hold.
Immediately when he sits down the phone rings. The first one is a girl who sounds really young, too young to need to be calling. But he helps her calm down, he helps her figure out what to do next, he makes sure she knows that she can always call back if she needs. He makes sure that she doesn’t feel alone. The second call comes in not long after. Everyone around him is on the phone too. This one is a teenager maybe, they just want someone to listen as they talk. He’s content doing that and as he always tries to do, he makes sure they know they aren’t alone.
Most of the time what he says is what he needed to hear when he was in their spot. Or things that someone said to him once upon a time. The first person he used to go to was his brother. Sirius couldn’t make everything better but he tried his best and he could at least get Regulus to laugh on a bad night. James took over eventually and they could somehow always help and say the right thing before a bad night even had the chance to start.
Then after that there was no one. Sirius sometimes, but not when it mattered most.
He really tries not to be bitter about it. They grew apart, it wasn’t a horrible betrayal that broke them up. It just was. Sometimes it happens and he hates that it did. But they couldn’t be together now, it stopped working. It wouldn’t just start working again.
It’s the fifth call he answers of the day, or rather night now, and somehow he expects it before they open their mouth. “Hello? Is someone there?”
“Yes, this is the crisis center. I’m glad you called.”
“Oh it’s you again.” J says already sounding slightly more at ease. “I had to call a second time for you to answer.”
“Just me or anyone?”
“Anyone. The line was busy.” They say the worst thing they could. It sends a pit to his stomach.
“Well I’m here now. What’s going on tonight?”
As they talk, he knows he should listen to the details. He tries to, but J is barely saying anything coherent as it is. He gets the important things. Like how they were out with friends and now are home but with an awful feeling. Regulus understands, he’s had that. He has one right now. The line being busy sets something off in him and his hands are moving without consulting his brain. The next thing he knows there is a text crafted in front of him waiting to be sent.
“I understand, do you want to talk about something to distract yourself? I could talk if it would be easier too.” If he’s talking there is less of a chance he sends this mistake of a text.
He just can’t help but want to know how James is doing. If they are okay. Just letting them know he still cares even if it’s been years of avoiding being in the same place at the same time.
“A distraction, yeah that would be good.”
See that should stop him from sending the text. It doesn’t and he presses send before diving into a story from a book he was reading before coming in today.
“So of course they weren’t expecting anyone to know and then this other character—”
They cut him off mid sentence. “Er… Not that I’m not enjoying this. I am. I just— can I talk about something? It just happened and it’s making me panic a little bit. My chest hurts and I-I’m starting to not be able to breathe right. I’m sorry… ”
“Yeah, of course. No need to apologize. Anything you need.”
“My ex just texted me out of no where. Asking how I am.”
Regulus doesn’t take a single breath before hanging up the phone.
Slamming it down a bit too loudly and harsh for the environment. Everyone turns to look at him. A few glares, a few looks of confusion. A lot of concern. Hanging up on people that call in here is frowned upon, to say the least. He just— he had to. It’s too much to be a coincidence.
A huge part of him feels stupid. He could have known that voice anywhere, once upon a time he did. It was the most common sound he heard every day, it was the only thing that could calm him down. And J, of course should have been a dead giveaway on top of all of that.
But what are they doing calling here?
The phone rings again and everyone turns to watch expectantly for him to pick it up. No call left unanswered as much as they can help it or whatever it is they say. He can’t think straight right now.
His hand shakes as he reaches for it, but he tries to hide it. He pulls it to his hear and prepares for a brand new call. Hopes for a brand new call. He’s proven wrong before he can even pretend like he’s going to start like he’s supposed to.
“Regulus?”
In his defense he tries his best to sound clear and confident. “This is the crisis help line.”
“No, this is Regulus. Isn’t it?” He’s quiet for a beat too long, and James starts talking again. “If you don’t answer me honestly I’m going to kill myself.”
“What the fuck, James?”
“I knew it was you! What the fuck, I mean really, what the fuck? No, not doing this. Goodbye.”
“W—” The line goes dead. Wait… Let’s talk. Are you okay? Please.
His face falls as his head hits his hands. This is completely fucked. Regulus never should have texted them. It was an idiotic things to do. Even just texting James could have ended horrendously on its own. The added fact that they have been calling in to the crisis help line continuously over the last week or two and talking exclusively to him makes it a million times worse. He at least knows the answer to his question.
They are definitely not doing okay. Otherwise they wouldn’t be calling.
That is technically none of his business now. He’s not in their life anymore, he hasn’t been for a long time. he knows that James has people that aren’t him. They’ll all take care of them. This isn’t on him. He tried to help before he knew it was them, that’s more than he should do. It’s more than they did for him in the end. So if he could just stop thinking about it that would be great. He has people to help.
The rest of the night he’s the last one to pick up a phone anytime they ring. He moves so slowly to avoid having to talk to anyone. He’s distracted, he can’t stop thinking about James. It feels ridiculous and he nearly hates himself for it. He can’t let them ruin his life like this. Or other people’s for that matter.
After two hours or so the phones slow down. People are given the option to go home just around midnight and he jumps at the opportunity. Maybe sleep will be easy and he won’t spend much longer thinking about them. Unlikely, as the words they have been saying over every call play on repeat in his head. The walk home is torturous. He doesn’t dare click open his phone to even put music on. Luckily he doesn’t need directions either. It stays locked in his pocket. Not that there would even be any notifications waiting for him.
The air feels suffocating. It doesn’t go away when he walks through the door to his flat. He just can’t breathe and it’s been a little bit too long since he felt like this. Like his chest is caving in and he is powerless to stop it. So he just keeps moving. He shrugs his coat off and slips his feet out of his shoes. Mechanically Regulus moves through his flat, drifting between rooms. He’s on autopilot getting ready for bed. Not even looking up once. Avoiding even his own gaze in the bathroom.
That makes it take even longer and yet he’s still wide awake. Laying on his back on the left side of the bed staring at the ceiling. His hands twitch slightly and he grabs for a bracelet on one wrist to mess with. To distract himself. If he doesn’t do something he’ll be reckless. He would fall into old habits or worse he might text James again. They would have responded if they wanted to talk. Which confirms that even after all of these year, whatever made them end things still upsets them. It hurts.
Even Sirius doesn’t know exactly what did it. He’s asked, and he can tell if his brother is lying which unfortunately he is not. He doesn’t know. James has never told him. So they don’t talk and they probably never will again. They manage not to see each other even with Sirius as a buffer. It would be too weird. The three of them were inseparable for a long time. He would want to fall back into that. He would want it to be how it used to be and it wouldn’t be. It could never be.
Stupid Sirius. He gets it all. He didn’t lose a friend, he didn’t lose a brother, hell he even gained a boyfriend after it all in the wake of his own break up. Annoyingly so, Regulus would rather he never make appearances. All that while Regulus lost a best friend and a partner all at once. And there is no way for things to be perfect between him and Sirius after all of that. Too much changed, too much can never go back to how it was.
It gets to three in the morning when he caves. Not truly that long in the grand scheme of things, though it has felt torturous. He reaches for his phone and finds exactly what he expected. Nothing. No response, no missed calls, just nothing. Not unusual, but given the night’s events, it feels wrong. Regulus swipes it open finally and stares at the text he sent. Idiotically tries to write another.
Regulus: Hey, are you alright? Just want to check in [Read]
Regulus: I’m sorry [draft]
Regulus: Do you want to talk? [draft]
Regulus: I had no idea, really. I just want to make sure you’re going to be okay. [draft]
James: … [typing]
At that, seeing the three dots pop up in the middle of the night nearly stops his heart. He throws the phone across the bed and slams his head back. They saw him typing, they are typing back. Half of him is infuriated, he was the one blindsided by their breakup, he was shattered when it happened. He didn’t talk to anyone for days after he was already struggling. That feeling is overshadowed by his concern and care.
It doesn’t matter how he feels about it. He’s figuring his own shit out the best he can. Right now it’s about them. They are the one clearly not doing okay. They are the one calling the crisis line. He can push his feelings aside for now and have a real conversation and try his best to help them through whatever it is. Right? He has to it seems.
James: Did you know it was me? [Delivered]
Regulus: No I swear I didn’t. [Read]
They either have nothing to say or they can’t figure it out. James was in the conversation as soon as his message went through. They saw it and now are just leaving it at that. Why do they have to be so fucking stubborn? He knows they aren’t okay, he’s helped them before. When they were younger they actually could rely on each other. They were always there for each other. They could make anything better for the other just by being around.
And now? They’re fucked. He groans, grateful for the thick walls that will block the noise from any neighbors. This was not supposed to happen. He can’t possibly be sitting here waiting for texts from his ex right now, and yet… That’s exactly what he’s doing. The minutes tick by, then hours, then the sun starts to peak in from the window. His phone stays in his grip and he waits for it to vibrate again. Hopeful, naive, pathetic.
The brighter it gets in his room the more clearly he can think. He can convince himself the best he can that this is stupid. That he is making a mistake getting invested in them again. That he’s going to get hurt. The last bit takes no convincing at all, he knows that James will hurt him again. They are good at that. They can get under his skin in no time at all and tear him apart from the inside out.
But he lets them. How could he not?
It’s a normal time of day when his phone rings. He doesn’t look before answering. No one else would be calling him right now. Everyone else would just text. James calls. James always calls when it’s important. They used to at least. Things get too misconstrued over text. They end up fighting even faster over text.
“James?” He barely breathes their name out.
“What the fuck Reggie? Why would I be James? You could see that it was me who called…” His brother’s voice startles him.
“Why are you calling this early?” He avoids the interrogation with a question.
“It’s eleven. Now what do you have to tell me about James? Clearly there is something.”
The problem is, he can’t. He can’t say what happened. There’s a bit of legality involved, but also he just can’t. James wouldn’t want him to. He doesn’t want to. This is between them. Sirius can stay out of it. He should stay out of it. Better that than choosing sides.
“What have they told you?”
“Nothing? So there is something… Are you two finally talking again?”
“I— no. We aren’t. Why are you calling anyway?”
He can hear Sirius rolling his eyes through the phone. “Just wanted to talk. Check in, you know we haven’t properly seen each other in almost a month and you cancelled on me last week. Are you doing alright?”
So they catch up. Well sort of. He doesn’t have much to say. Nothing has changed. Regulus still takes the meds he’s been prescribed and he talks to his same therapist he’s had for years, and he tries to find things he enjoys. There’s nothing going on in his life and sometimes that’s good and other times it’s really bad. Right now it’s been fine. Sirius launches into updates about his life too, pointedly skipping over anything to do with James. He can feel a hole in every story the size and shape of them, he can hear the pauses where anything about them would fit, he pushes it to the back of his mind.
“Are you sure there’s nothing to say about them?” He asks again.
“Yes. Just, can you check in and make sure they are okay?” Regulus wants to say that he still cares, he wants to be the one to check in himself, he wants to not be angry anymore.
“I always do. I’ll see you soon okay? Promise me.”
“Yeah Sirius, whatever. I’ll see you soon.” He’s once again left alone with his thoughts.
Days pass. He doesn’t hear anything. He tries to go about his life as normal. He stops in at the shop that Pandora works at but she clocks that something is off with him immediately. They have known each other for years, just long enough that she was there for the breakup. Regulus makes sure to mask his expressions as much as possible so that she can’t figure out exactly what is going on, but she still knows there is something.
Which leads directly to Evan and Barty interrogating him when he walks into their place in an attempt to distract himself. They always know how to get his mind off of something. But tonight they are tasked, by Pandora obviously, to figure out what he’s trying to ignore. And what he’s constantly checking his phone for when, according to them, all of the people he would be talking to are accounted for.
He uses Sirius as a cover, which instantly backfires.
“I’ll call him and see what’s going on.” Evan grabs his own phone and holds it up tauntingly.
“No.”
“No?” Barty tilts his head with his voice.
“No is a full sentence. Don’t call my brother. Nothing is going on. Look I’ll even turn my phone off for the night.”
He doesn’t want to. What if tonight is when something happens? What if tonight James reaches out? They don’t. His phone remains off and he enjoys the time with his friends as best he can.
This is ridiculous. He hates how this is happening, he hates that James came back into his life. It’s as if they were entirely gone from the face of the Earth. They live nearby, they still share Sirius, their parents have wished him a happy birthday every year without missing a single one. Not even right after they broke up. Effie has made it clear that he is always welcome to call her if he needs anything. No matter what happened between them. But he still never thought they would cross paths properly again. It was working that way mostly.
The last text between them before the other night was from five years ago. The day they broke up. That was supposed to be it.
At the end of the night, as soon as he’s out of their flat he switches his phone on again and takes a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. No text. It’s mostly relief that there isn’t anything. Until one second later when panic hits him like a truck.
Sirius: have you heard from james? [delivered]
Regulus: No what happened? [read]
Sirius: … [typing]
Sirius: i just haven’t talked to them in a day or two and they aren’t answering. don’t worry about it. forget i said anything [delivered]
Naturally, he worries about it. He tries to call, knowing that they won’t pick up for him. Especially if they aren’t answering Sirius. There has to be something he can do though. Something is definitely wrong. For the first time in years he knows more about what’s going on with James than his brother does. It’s awful and his mind is going to the worst places, but at least someone knows. At least he knows.
He rushes out onto the street and clicks call on James’ contact. Right to voicemail. Their phone is either dead, off, he’s blocked, or… No or. It’s just their phone is off. He tries again anyway. Still nothing. It’s late, but he knows he won’t be able to sleep now. Not when something is definitely wrong.
Sirius wouldn’t text him about James without a good reason. Not just because they are ignoring his texts. James can get quiet sometimes, they always have. His brother knows that. He’s usually the one there helping them through it however he can. If not him, then his boyfriend who apparently is now James’ other best friend. Not the time for him to be worried about that, but still. His point stands.
Against his better judgment he doesn’t head home. He walks and walks trying to clear his head, trying James’ phone again every few minutes. It never goes through. Every possible scenario goes through his head and he can’t get it to stop. Something bad is happening, it could be the worst case, they could be really bad. He is the reason they wouldn’t have called the crisis center again. James would be avoiding that no matter how they are, just to not have to talk to him on the off chance he was the one by the phone when it rings.
He doesn’t want to make it worse. He just can’t leave them be. He can’t bring himself to turn around and go home. Let someone else take care of them. Except a part of him never stopped caring. A part of him never stopped loving. Regulus just had to box all of that up, push it to the depths of his mind and his heart because it wasn’t welcome. It wasn’t reciprocated.
Regulus stands outside their front door for a while. He half expects his brother to turn up and yell at him for being here. Even if he was the one to raise the alarms in his mind about James tonight. He would say he can handle it, he can make it better. Things Sirius used to say about him too, and it wasn’t true either. No one made him better except for himself, he had to do it alone. Otherwise he would be a burden on everyone else, though no one fought to help him either.
Finally he knocks. “James!” It’s more of a banging, if he’s honest. “James I swear to God open this door.”
They don’t, but he quickly finds that it’s open. After only slightly annoying pounding, he bursts in. The flat is quiet. Far too quiet for them, they hate the quiet. He knows how much they hate it. Which means that something is definitely wrong and it puts a twisted feeling in his stomach.
He walks in slowly, not wanting to make anything worse. Regulus is so far from sure of what to do right now. There isn’t directions for what to do when you’re worried that you ex might be on the verge of killing themself and no one else is around to help. He hopes to whatever high power might be listening that that is not what is happening. They aren’t in the main sitting room, which he figures out quickly. This isn’t a flat he’s been to before, James moved after the break up. Yet, he manages just fine because somewhere in his soul he knows this. He knows James.
“James?” He calls out much quieter, with more hesitancy.
There’s no answer.
Regulus finds the bedroom and peaks in, no one is there. He pauses and sucks in a breath. He needs a moment to prepare. To catch his breath before everything crumbles, before the world comes out from under his feet.
Though he hasn’t felt solid ground in years, he thinks.
“James?”
The last place they could be is the bathroom and he really hates that. He shouldn’t be thinking that James has done something, it’s not like them to give up like that. They have hurt themself before, and he’s never been able to fully get that out of his head. That can’t be what’s happening now. Still, Regulus braces himself as he nudges the door open.
There they are. Slumped against the wall with the lights off not looking at anything.
“James, I’m here.” He slides next to them and slips an arm around to hold them up.
They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay. They’re okay.
Right? They are okay, right?
For a long time they just sit there. He doesn’t dare push. James is too out of it. They don’t lean into him, they don’t push him away. They don’t do anything. Barely moving, barely breathing. But he has a hold on them, they aren’t going to slip away. That’s all that matters for right now. Regulus can ignore all of the other complex feelings for now.
Time moves differently like this. He knows that it does for James too, they have told him that before. When they are sitting like this, doing nothing in the quiet, it could be five minutes or five days. There isn’t really a way to tell. Even Regulus notices it after just a few hours. Though he knows its worse for them right now. It could be days into being like this, too numb to remember to eat or drink, let alone move.
It gets to be morning when they start to fidget under his arm. His phone was discarded somewhere as he rushed in, so he’s estimating what time it is based on the sliver of light peaking in through the window in the bathroom. He stays mostly still, while his thumb rubs soothing circles on their shoulder. Just a light presence. Hoping maybe it will help to ground them.
They start to mumble. He can’t make any of it out, their voice just sounds quiet and hoarse. Their glasses aren’t on their face, he’s only just noticed. He never misses things like that. James doesn’t look quite right if they don’t have them on. Slowly, the first real movement they make, is bringing a hand up to rub their eyes. They also seem startled by the lack of glasses. Almost immediately after, they shrug Regulus’ hand off and try to reorient themself.
James pats the floor around them and then reaches up to the ledge of the sink and grabs their glasses. Now able to see properly, they turn to him and their brow furrows in a mix of confusion and what appears to be disgust. “What are you doing here?” Their voice is starting to come back, but the tiredness is still evident.
“Because I care. About you, I care about you Jamie.”
“Do you?” The sadness in their eyes nearly breaks him.
It doesn’t. There’s too much anger still living in his chest. So he snaps. “Oh that’s rich coming from you.”
In a split second their expression isn’t recognizable. You wouldn’t be able to tell what they have spent hours or days doing. Instead it’s pure rage. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” They push away from him and walks out and to the sitting room. “No really, enlighten me. What do you mean, Regulus?”
“You stopped answering my calls.” Now it’s his own voice that comes out quiet, a wisp.
Their anger falls now too. “What are you talking about?”
Regulus pauses, he can feel the resentment bubbling up in him and he knows it won’t simmer. It has to boil over and he hates that now is the time. His thumb pushes down on each of his fingers cracking them, just trying to breathe. To find some release. He doesn’t know how this turned to this so quickly, he wasn’t thinking. He still isn’t but this can’t come out careless. This is what he thinks about when he’s at his lowest. The stuff of nightmares. Though it’s been a long time since this kept him up.
He started this though, he has to continue. It’s awful timing, he knows that too well. But what can he do now?
With one last deep inhale he replies with more edge than intended, but he can’t soften it no matter how hard he tries. “I needed you and you were never fucking there. You were my partner and you stopped being there for me.”
Somehow James has the audacity to scoff at him. “You pulled away! I couldn’t force you to talk to me, I felt like a stranger… But sure, I wasn’t there. Okay.”
“I didn’t know how to talk anymore, I didn’t know how talk to you. I didn’t know how to tell you what was going on when you weren’t doing okay either.”
“You knew?”
“Of course I fucking knew! I know you better than anyone else. Before we were together we were best friends. I know you so fucking well.” Now he feels like a stranger having to explain why he can read his best friend like a book. That never should need to be explained, of course he knows when they are struggling. He can see the signs, he’s always been able to.
“You still could have talked to me.” There is bite to their words even still.
“I tried! You stopped listening and then when I got too bad you left.”
His heart is pounding in his chest and it feels like he’s going to suffocate. The world is closing in on him. It feels like water is rising around him, just waiting to pull him under. Back to the bottom, force him to drown again. That or breathe in the water until he is dragged to the surface again. The water will always come back for him, it’s only a matter of time.
Maybe the water is James, they’re always helping him float or forcing him under.
“That’s— that’s not what happened.” They stammer.
Through brief gasps of air he recounts what he never got the change to tell them before. He thought they would know by now. He figured Sirius would have told him. “Three nights before you broke up with me… I was in the hospital and sectioned. I was on a 72 hour hold and the first thing that happened when I went home was that conversation.”
He doesn’t have to explain in any more detail than that.
“I didn’t know.” They finally respond after a long silence. He doesn’t blame them.
Neither of them look at each other. At least, Regulus keeps his eyes trained on the ground, not daring to see if they are watching. He hates to be vulnerable like this, except… That never was a problem with James. He could be his most vulnerable self with them and barely be uncomfortable about it. Until one day when he felt like he was on fire and could never do it again. That is until now, he only feels a small prickle of burning. He’s almost glad to have it out in the open.
His voice gets lost for a while in the air. Not wanting to come back to him and allow him to say more. To explain what was happening. Behind his eyes he can see flashes of that night before the break up. He can see his own hands shaking as he dropped him phone. He can see his body caving him as he pushed through to take what would be his final steps. He can see himself as if he’s not even there, the night plays behind his eyes but he’s not seeing it from his own perspective. It’s not from anyone’s perspective at all. No one was there.
Feeling like he’s swallowing an ocean he gasps and speaks in past tense. “I tried to call you, I needed you. And then—”
“I… I don’t know where I was. I don’t know why I wasn’t there with you.” James takes him by surprise.
No edge to their voice, no anger. Regret maybe. Somewhere on the scale of anger and sadness. That’s all they are right now. One or the other, something in between. Nothing else. They can’t be until they get through this. They can’t forgive each other and they can’t move past it. Not without facing everything, not without unpacking their lives. Not without hurting each other more in the process.
This isn’t Regulus giving up. He won’t now that they are so deep in this. He’s just tired. So fucking tired.
“It’s okay.” He says instead of the million other things he could or should.
Naturally James meets his eyes now. All of the words in the world in the dark brown behind his glasses. All he says though is, “I’m sorry.”
Regulus nods. “I know, I am too.” He sucks in a deep breath. “We can talk about it more later, okay? What do you need now?”
Of course he diverts back to them. Deflects from himself. It’s easier. It’s what started this. James wasn’t okay, they are barely holding it together right now. He can obviously tell, even if they don’t think he can still read them effortlessly. That’s not something that goes away when they had been best friends for as long as they had.
“Tired… I want a break. Rest.”
“Okay we can do that.”
“We?”
He moves to fall into the couch, looking to them to invite them in. To sit with him, though this is their home. Regulus wasn’t welcome here before, and now he’s making himself at home. He’ll be damned if he leaves without making sure that his Jamie is okay first. That’s really all he’s ever wanted.
“Yes, we.” He’s not budging, it’s not as if James is trying to kick him out anymore though.
They are shaky on their feet, but they come to settle in next to him slowly. He makes a mental note to order in food and to make sure they have some water. But first he just wants to breathe together for a moment. “You’re not upset with me?” James tilts their head up at him.
“Oh I am, but not about this. Not enough to stop this either.” He confirms.
There are a few ways this could go. The better of the options is that they easily slot back into place right by each other’s side. Then there is the looming thought that things will crumble even faster than they did before.
In the end it lands somewhere in between those ends of the spectrum. Leaning toward the better, if you ask Regulus. That spectrum is sometimes more like a circle. It shifts like the tides. They both seem ready to let it take them where it needs to, not fighting the current.
All of that being said, they still fit. Not exactly the same as they used to, but perhaps that is for the better. It didn’t work last time, he knows it wouldn’t this time. He’s not going to be foolish enough to think it will. That’s just the definition of insanity. It’s not that he wants to get together and just do it right this time, he honestly has no expectations from this other than showing he cares. Other than making sure James is okay. They still easily slide in to sit curled up against him and there is an immediate burst of air and lightness that rushes through him. Like something just clicks into place.
He savors it for a while. Until they are both breathing as they should, until they are sinking into each other, until it all feels real. Then he finds his phone. It’s been nearly a day since he last remembers eating and know that it’s been even longer for James, at least that’s how it seems. They weren’t in a good state when he found them that’s for sure. With it in his hand he immediately swipes away any notifications. Those can be dealt with later. Instead he goes right for a food delivery app.
James is quiet, but he still asks if they have a preference. He would rather not get anything they don’t want to eat when that is his one goal at the moment. They don’t answer, they just sort of stare off. Mostly out of it, but still awake. That’s enough, he understands how it can be. Regulus wasn’t the one who is in the middle of a string of bad days. But he has been there enough times himself. He won’t make it any harder on them if he can help it.
He gets a few different options of food just in case. Though also he can see them staying right here for long enough to need a second or third meal. Which sounds presumptuous of him and maybe it is a little bit. He would quite like the chance to stay and help his once best friend. The part where he miscalculates slightly, is in turning the ringer on his phone in case the delivery driver calls.
When his phone rings a little while later, and in his defense close to when the food would be arriving, he answers without looking. “Hello?”
“Oh so your phone does work?”
“What do you want?” His tone switches instantly at the sound of his brother’s voice.
“Jeez, no need to be hostile. I was joking. You haven’t been answering me and I thought after yesterday you might pay more attention than usual.” He explains as Regulus makes sure the volume is low enough that they won’t overhear.
“Last night?”
“Yeah, I mean with James. They still haven’t answe—”
“They’re okay.” He cuts him off simply.
Confused, Sirius stumbles over his words. “Th— you, what? They’re okay? How do you know?”
“I’m sitting with them. Goodbye Sirius.” He hangs up, knowing to ignore when he calls back again. Not right now, he just wants to get through right now and then they can navigate the three of them being friends again. If that’s even what James wants. If that’s even possible.
As much as Regulus hates it, if they asked him to go he would. Not when he can see them struggling, not when they are out of it or lashing out. But if they are okay and stable and they don’t want him back in their life, he wouldn’t fight. It’s not his choice, he’s not sure if he ever had any choices in any of this. He is at their mercy, he probably always has been. He wouldn’t change that even if he could. What’s so wrong with that?
They barely acknowledge the fact that the phone call happened. Of course he knows that when they are back to their usual self they will feel remorse over ignoring their friends and will be apologetic. Not that it’s warranted. They are allowed to break. They are allowed to struggle and fall apart. It’s never what he wants for them, but it’s not wrong that they do. He mentally notes that he needs to remind them of that, and he will. Just not right now.
Right now is for doing nothing. For finding a way to exist again. To really just decompress. Whatever is going on in either of their lives can wait. They would barely be present even if they tried. Regulus knows that there can and probably will be consequences to this. He’s not sure what job James is doing now, but they have likely missed days of it already. They are going to be pretty weak even after their first round of take out arrives. Being like this doesn’t make anything easier, but getting through it together with someone to lean on is better than suffering alone. He had to learn that the hard way. He doesn’t want James to have to be alone any more.
The remainder of the first day is more of a haze. They eat, best they can and in small bites, and the TV plays in the background. Without meaning to they fall into each other. Melting and morphing into one being instead of two. It’s the steadiest his heart has been in years. They hardly talk, really only one word at a time or little movements to get their point across. That’s okay, there’s no rush.
He’s here on their time. Whatever they need he’ll do it. Just being here seems to be doing something right, so he won’t leave. Knowing that, he eventually finds his phone again and messages a few people that would hunt him down if he goes too long without answering, especially if anyone finds that he is here with James. Just letting them know he’s okay and will be out of commission for a bit. Focusing on important matters. Which is not a lie, James is important and he will not be leaving their side.
Sometime in the afternoon or close to sunset on the second day they have a movie on. There are take away containers littering the coffee table, most empty by now. Regulus wants to get up and find a pint of ice cream from the freezer but he’s stuck. The movie was direct request from James, but they aren’t paying attention.
It doesn’t bother him, and he barely notices at first. Their touch is feather light and it soothes him in a way. When one of the scenes in the movie that James has previously made them rewind to watch again just because not everyone laughed or they just want to see it a second time, comes and goes without a word from them, he turns his focus. They are just there. Lightly tracing the scars on his wrist with the pad of their thumb. Eyes following their own movements, tongue poking out the corner of their mouth. Scars that they never saw before now.
They are caught. A moment after Regulus fully notices, they jerk away.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t—”
“Hey, it’s okay. I would hide them if I minded.” A lot of the time he does, but not here. Not with them.
“Still, I’m sorry.” They don’t settle back in, still stiff and hesitant.
“You don’t have to apologize, it’s okay. You used to do this with other scars before, it’s never bother me when it’s you.” He tries to reassure them.
It’s a while until they are at ease again. Regulus hates that he put them on edge. He didn’t mean to. None of how this has gone has been intentional. It’s all gone sideways. But he’s determined to get back on track and help them as intended. Ice cream sits between them now, and they take turns dipping spoons in, though James goes in for bigger scoops every single time. He doesn’t protest, it’s not as if they can’t just go and get more if they need to.
The night goes on and they find peace in each other eventually. Some things don’t ever fully go away. The nagging thought that things did change for them more than once and in ways that aren’t easily forgotten sticks around, but maybe it’s not set in stone either. Maybe they can be friends again. Maybe the first change, the first time they kissed is what did them in. But there is no question that they both still care for each other, and isn’t that what really matters?
Just as long as they keep it platonic, support each other, just be. Then it will be okay.
James turns to look at him, properly for the first time in hours. Their eyes meet and neither shy away. He can see the same swirls in their brown eyes that he used to drown in back before he knew better. One more second and he might be lost at sea again. Though Regulus can’t look away, they will have to be the one to do it. He’s not strong enough, he never stopped loving them. He would have carried on despite the pain of being together if they hadn’t broken things off.
And now? Neither of them move. For a moment. Neither of them look away, but then James’ hand comes up. Cupping his face before pulling him in. He follows, swayed by the tide that is James and the waves crash over them as their lips meet.
He’s a goner, he always has been. So much for keeping things at a distance, getting back to being just friends. How could he deny them this though? How could he deny them anything?
When they finally part, he’s out of breath. Wanting to bring their lips together again because he’s missed the way they taste. Knowing they have to really talk without screaming before they can do anything more. Everything has to be laid out otherwise they will end up where they did before.
“I feel like we’re teenagers again…” James laughs, oh how he’s missed the sound of their laugh.
“It doesn’t help that we’re going to have to tell Sirius again just like we did back then.”
“He called before didn’t he?”
He nods. “Yeah, I didn’t want to say anything and you were still a bit out of it anyway. I told him you’re okay.”
“Oh alright, yeah. I should probably find my phone anyway and tell him and Remus that I’m… Well not okay I don’t know if I’m okay. But alive I guess.” They sound more and more like the James he knows by the second which gives him hope.
But the mention of Sirius’ boyfriend does not fill him with any positive feelings. He already just doesn’t quite like him, and honestly he only came into the picture as James’ friend after their breakup, giving no reason for Regulus to like him. Right now he even fills with anger at the thought of him, because at least Sirius checked in. Maybe the two of them are together, but if he’s such a good friend to James, good enough to replace him, then why didn’t he check on them? Why hasn’t he bust down the door to check in on them?
“I have a few words I could say to him. He didn’t bother to see if you’re okay after you went off grid for days. That’s a shitty friend.”
“Are you calling me shitty for when I did that to you years ago?” James counters.
“Honestly? Yes, I guess I am. But this is different. We can go back to that later, right now I’d like for you to think about not remaining friends with Remus if he doesn’t even care about your wellbeing enough…” Regulus crosses his arms and stares through them as they plug their phone in and watch it switch on again finally. Possibly for the first time since their texts the other day.
“So actually turns out Remus is a good friend and you are being over dramatic.” James holds the conversation up and he groans in response. “He really is a great friend, I would be worse off without him.”
“But you have me again now. Right? So why bother with him.” The question hangs in the air, he didn’t mean for it to come out like that.
“I— Reg, I don’t know if we should rush into getting back together. I’m not okay, I don’t know if you are either and—”
The words stop reaching his brain. The air in his lungs deflates. He really feels like he’s a teenager again and the world is ending. One part of him is ready to run. Leave and never look back. He managed without James all of these years, they only just fell back into each other’s orbit. He can make his way again. He healed once, he can heal this time too.
He recognizes the feelings bubbling up. The panic that tastes like bile in his throat, the twitch in his fingers that will turn to shaking if he doesn’t stop it. The ringing in his ears that block everything else from making any sense. Slowly the edges of his vision start to blur and he’s no longer in control. Everything spirals and he hates it. It’s been months at least, maybe longer since he had an episode like this where he can’t take control of it.
Then hands clasp around his. Instantly grounding him more than anything was before. His breathing comes back to a normal rate, his eyes squeeze shut until he knows he can open them without it being fuzzy. Words start to come through the buzzing and he focuses on that as best he can.
“Reg, I’m here. Regulus? Can you nod if you can hear me?” He obliges. “Okay good, just come back to me slowly, yeah? I’ve got you.”
He hates himself for doing this. He came here to help them, not the other way around. So perhaps James does have a point.
“I’m here.” He barely whispers, opening his eyes but not daring to meet theirs.
“I only meant we should… take things slow. Friends again first. Alright? I don’t want either of us to get hurt.”
“I don’t either. I never wanted us to get hurt in the first place.” Regulus’ brow furrows softly and the corners of his lips turn down. They were never meant to hurt each other, but still they did. Without meaning to, without trying to.
“We have to do it right this time.” They offer, waiting for him to agree and of course he does.
“Can I just…” He doesn’t have to finish the question.
James’ lips are already parting and he’s leaning into them. A soft kiss, gentle and leaving much to be desired. Something for them to work towards. Something for him to savor until they are ready. Until they know how to hold each other more carefully. Until they won’t hurt each other anymore.