1. Circle The Drain
I would dial back the flame
but I’m not sure I’m able
I’m wobbling out on the wire
and the lights could go out
with the break of a cable
things feel that low sometimes
even when everything is fine
___________
After three frantic knocks, Lily is starting to think that maybe she hadn’t thought this through. She begins to take her hand off the door when it opens to reveal a sleepy, and rightfully confused James Potter.
“Lily?” He asks as he fixes his glasses. “Are you okay? Did something happen? Are you hurt?”
Lily fidgets nervously with her fingers. “It’s 3 in the morning. I did not really think this through. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorr-“
“Hey, hey, calm down. Would you like to come in? Take a moment?”
“I’m, no, I’m- thank you, I just wanted to-“
“Jamie? Who is it?” Lily recognizes James’s boyfriend’s, Regulus, voice and curses under her breath.
“One second,” James says as he goes back into his apartment. Lily can hear him muttering to Regulus, who eventually grumbles and goes back to sleep. “Do you want to tell me what’s up?”
“In high school. You said you liked me. You asked me out.” Lily starts and James looks confused, again, rightfully so. “I said no. I said I’m sorry, I don’t feel the same. We didn’t talk for a good 6 months.”
“I remember, Lily. Is there a reason we’re talking about this 10 years later at 3 in the morning?”
“It wasn’t you,” She says. “It wasn’t you, and it took me 10 years to figure it out and it felt too big, too important to just text you, and you needed to know. I needed to tell you. You are one of my best friends, I know you, I know you must’ve grilled yourself about it back then, thinking you were not enough. And I know that technically, right now, this is all irrelevant, but I had to tell you.”
“Umm..thank you?” James says, still utterly confused, “I appreciate it?”
“I didn’t like you then, and I don’t like you now, and I probably will never like you,” Lily goes on and James looks downright offended. “That came out wrong, let me try again.” She straightens herself and looks James in the eye, “You are a man. And it’s come to my knowledge that I do not like your kind, men I mean.” She curses under her breath. “I am a lesbian. Yes, there it is. I am a lesbian and I love you and I’m so sorry and goodnight,”
She turns around to leave when James extends his arm out to stop her. They share a look. A moment passed. Then the next. And the next. And then they’re 14 again and Lily is crying in James’s arms because she has absolutely no idea what to do.
When Lily Evans was three, she could hold full conversations with people far older than her. When Lily Evans was three, they called her a prodigy, a genius, with a bright future ahead. At twelve, Lily Evans was the smartest person in the room, in every room. When she was twelve, she knew exactly who she was, who she wanted to be, what she was meant to do in this life. At eighteen, she had her whole life figured out, she knew her place in the world, and hardly had to work for it.
When Lily Evans turned 25, everything went to shit. She knew nothing. Her life held absolutely no meaning. And everything she worked, or didn’t work for, was moot.
All Lily does is know. All she has is answers. All that she has the potential to offer is knowledge. Lily Evans is bright. Lily Evans is smart. Lily Evans is successful.
Lily Evans is miserable.
The thing about working your whole life towards something, the thing about society telling you what you can and can’t do, the thing about having a plan, the thing, the thing about life, is that it’s shit. No matter how she looks at it, Lily can’t find a single good thing going on for her right now. Don’t get her wrong, she is not ungrateful, she is not unaware of the privileges she has, of the life she built, or was it built for her? That’s beside the point.
So, she sits on James’s floor, drink in hand, and ponders over yet another conversation gone wrong with a friend. It’s been like this for the past few weeks, from the minute Lily’s put-together facade started to crumble.
She was doing well. She was keeping everything intact. She had locks on boxes and combinations on safes. She was handling it. Never let it slip. Always the shoulder to cry on, never the one in tears. Always listening, never speaking. Always giving advice, never asking for it. She was doing perfectly fine. Until. Well, until she wasn’t.
Imperfection did not belong in Lily’s life. It simply could not. At least not publicly. She has a system. A far from imperfect system. A system that, lately, has been leaning more towards the im than the perfect. She used to have crevices, hiding spots, failsafes, control. Lily was so used to being in control that her state made absolutely zero sense to her. And she can’t live with zero sense, never had to before, doesn’t know how to. Lily rationalizes, she goes over everything, once, and twice, and three times. She makes lists and she sorts problems and she solves. She always solves. Because she’s Lily Evans. Smart, bright, reliable, put-together, perfect.
Lily doesn’t do baggage. Doesn’t have baggage. Not publicly, at least.
But it’s there. It’s all there. Lily carries it. She lugs it around. And it’s heavy. It’s so very heavy. She desperately wants to ask for help. She so badly wants to ask someone to carry it with her. She doesn’t. Won’t. Refuses to. Instead, she talks to herself about it. She rolls it up into the perfect joint, and she smokes it. Inhale after another after another. Sometimes, she doesn’t let it out. Does not exhale. Holds it in for as long as she possibly can. Afraid it’ll make its way out there. Afraid people might see it, smell it, feel it. Afraid the scales are tipping. Afraid she no longer has control. Afraid the reigns keep escaping her, so adamant on slipping through her fingers.
Lily allows herself a window. A few minutes. She makes room for a fraction of her baggage, a small purse by the back. She opens it and lets herself feel. She breathes in, and doesn’t hold it. She breathes in and chokes on her own sobs. And for a few moments, Lily Evans is human. Lily Evans feels.
She hates every second of it.
And just like that, she dusts herself off, gets up from the floor, clears her throat a few times, and calls for James to apologize. Well, and Regulus, too. Because she can’t stand it, won’t be able to breathe through the guilt, won’t survive if she has to add bad friend to the cart.
~.~
Today is not a good day. Lily feels like she hasn’t stopped complaining lately. To herself mostly, but still. Today is just not a good day, though. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that she got zero hours of sleep, because she decided to casually “drop in” on her best friend and his boyfriend to apologize for being a lesbian. Lily apologizes a lot. It’s sort of her thing. Fold and move on. She doesn’t know if being who she is was something to apologize for. But she has been doing it her entire life, why would her newly found sexuality be any different.
She was currently on the floor, funny how she always ends up there, in her office, crosslegged, laptop heating up her lap, a forgotten coffee to the side, and a headache the size of 13 consecutive hangovers buzzing in her head.
“Hey Lily, don’t forget to send us the detailed plan by the end of the day. Also the texts? Oh and the presentation? Make sure you send those to Alice.” Emmeline says as she heads for the door, she’s halfway out before she rushes back in. “I almost forgot, we also need a script for the influencer who’s assigned to our next campaign, I don’t really remember their name, but Frank should fill you in, yeah? Good night, Evans!” She rushes out before Lily could even comprehend the things that were so casually dumped on her. At 6 PM. On a Friday. She needs a cigarette.
Lily looked around, there was no one there except Pete in IT, who could not give two shits about whatever the fuck goes down in the office. She didn’t have the time or the energy to head to the roof, so she does what she always does when she pulls an all-nighter, which is a frequent occurrence, more frequent than say, having time for herself. Lily grabs her chair, gets on it, and disables the fire alarm. You can talk to her about the consequences of that, all of which she’s completely aware of, but she wouldn’t give a fuck. She grabs the cigarette pack from her bag and lights one.
Inhale.
Fuck this job.
Exhale.
Lily lets herself zone out for a while. She forces herself not to think. Focusing instead on the smoke curling through the air. She forced herself not to think. Yet. She’s at her senior year of high school, choosing a major she didn’t want. She’s at her first year at uni, having breakdowns over her choices. She’s at her senior year of uni, doing her best to graduate with honors, because Lily Evans didn’t halfass shit. She’s at her first real job, miles away from what she studied. She’s at her second job, stuck with a toxic boss she could never confront.
She’s with the first person she ever fell in love with, her favorite person, then and now, even if they haven’t so much as spoken in three years. She’s at the bar, days after she found out she didn’t really care for men, not even a little bit, having an existential crisis over and over and over. She’s at every event she ever had to go to, having to confront her body, to be perceived, to dress up. She’s everywhere and nowhere and she’s so fucking tired.
“I would’ve assumed woman in STEM Lily Evans would know more about fire hazards than this,” A voice startles Lily out of her not thinking.
“I didn’t know you’re still here,” Lily turned to stub her cigarette and look at Alice.
“I forgot a couple of things so I had to turn back, why are you still here?” Alice asks as she leans on the desk next to Lily.
“When am I not?” Lily shrugs. “Shit to do, deadlines to meet, fucks to give, you know.”
“You know we’re not here to save lives, right? We literally work in fucking marketing, no one is dying. I don’t know if your degree has you programmed to just always think this is the case, but it really isn’t.”
This isn’t the first time Lily hears this. She gets it quite a lot. ‘You chose a creative path, enjoy it!’ and ‘Thank god you didn’t continue in healthcare, if you can’t survive fucking marketing’ and ‘You no longer have to work as if you’re saving lives.’ They don’t know that she never did and she almost did and she never stopped and she can’t stop.
“Yeah, Alice, I’m aware,” Lily goes back to reclaim her position on the floor. “I’m almost done anyways,” She’s not. She was 4 hours ago. She still has more to give. She’s so done.
Alice opens her mouth to say something, closes it, opens it again, looks at Lily, and sighs. Lily gets it. “Alright, Red,” She sets her things back down and takes a seat next to Lily. “Do you have more fire hazardous thingies?” She asks as she leans her head on Lily’s shoulder. “Might as well.”
Lily feels warm. She’s not used to people doing things for her. She’s not used to small niceties, not sure whether she should thank Alice or hug her or cry. Instead, she tilts her pack towards Alice. “Yeah, might as well.”
Lily smiles for the first time today.