When you're born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it's not. - Richard Kendrey
James is that child.
If people where looking at James Fleamont potter they would always see the sun shining inside of him, they would see the burning fire inside of his eyes, but they could never even just imagine the fire burning in his home. James indeed did know the fire by heart and can see it everywhere, even there where it isn’t burning. In places where not even a candle is lit. And if one would come near to him and really watch him, he could probably sense the heat but never see the flame.
With the day he opened the door to the future marauders dorm he knew that something was different here than at home, but that’s normal isn’t it? It’s normal because this people aren’t his parents or their friends, they are his roommates, future friends and someday even brothers but he doesn’t know that yet. To be honest he doesn’t know a lot of things yet. He is eleven way to young to have it all figured out just yet. So at the moment he is mostly scared. Scared because he is new at this place and everything is new and he does not often experience new things. He feels lonely and he is not used to that. At home he is never lonely. Also he had never friends his age and don’t knows how to handle the boys his age in that room right now. It’s different than what he is used to and he doesn’t know how to feel about it.
His roommates, in contrast to James, seem way more excited, less scared, he will find out about their terrors later, but for now all he sees are 3 boys in a room with four beds. He knows, or better said, heard about two of them already. Sirius Black heir of the Black family line and Peter Pettigrew middle child of a small family line, half blood as much as he knows. The third boy was tall but somehow still small, a big sweater over him, book in hand, sitting on a bed. Seemingly not bothered by the black haired boy who was talking way to fast and loud while he was sprinting though the room.
It didn’t take James long to settle in at Hogwarts and fast forward he was close with his roommates then friends.
He started to forget about his home, his parents and their friends for most of the year. Spent as much time as possible in the castle.
It all went fine, James live got better day by day. He got happy, he had everything he could imagine and more. Really it was great. Till the day it wasn’t anymore. Okay it didn’t crashed in only one day it was more like a couple of months.
It all started as he got together with regulus black, the little brother of his best friend. It actually wasn’t as big of a deal as everyone made it up to be. Okay sure Sirius did chase him though the whole castle and probably hex him like a million times as he found it out, and yeah he did indeed tell him that this shit was incest but what does Sirius know. After that it was fine. for a while they were happy, had a relationship which would be deemed normal, except the fact that it was gay, but that’s also not as big of a deal. They had lots of sex, at least twice a week sometimes twice a day. James hated every single time. But what could he do? It was his job, Regulus would for sure leave him if that would change, wouldn’t he? So he did it whenever regulus wanted too sometimes he even initiated it. He played happy, everything else in their relationship was way too good to throw it away because of that little thing that was wrong with him. But at one point he couldn’t take it anymore, regulus was really dominant that night in the dorm, he often was, James head hurt. He had a bad day and everything felt off. He was counting the star stickers about the bed for the third time this night already, trying to forget what was happening. Regulus was rough, he was about him. His hands were tied together. He felt helpless and overwhelmed. He cried. Regulus stopped. James was bewildered by that. Regulus spoke but he didn’t listen. He stood and was gone within seconds after he was freed from his handcuffs. His clothes in his hands.
After that instant he didn’t speak with the slyterin boy for weeks. Not even came near him. Avoided him with all his being. He messed up. The boy could never love him again, about that he was sure.
Regulus one the other hand was panicking he didn’t know what was going on, he knew he did something wrong and now his love wouldn’t even look at him. He was hurt but mostly disappointed with himself. As weeks passed and nothing changed he decided to speak to his big brother. He went straight for the dorm, knocked two times and went in there, in hope and fear at the same time to see James, because this was also his dorm, the place where they last spoke or at least he was speaking. But too his disappointment, was the boy not there and noor was his brother. But Remus was. Regulus and Remus always had a special bond, it started at Regulus first year, never ended after it. Remus invited him too sit with him. They talked a lot. Remus told him about the years he spent with James, about the secrets he always tried to hide. About the first year at the school, the flinching, the screaming, the dreams. About stuff regulus never knew about. About stuff James didn’t talk about. And even when regulus still had no idea of what had happened to the love of his live. He now did see the storm in front of the sun. He could sense the heat.
It took another two weeks before the boys spoke.
Regulus spent his night crying in the astronomy tower. James spent the night crying in his bed, a silent spell carefully casted around it. Regulus wanted his big brother. Sirius spent the night sleeping in the dorm. The same dorm as James. So it kind of just happened that regulus was standing in the dorm the moment James wanted to go for a glass of water. Both had big, tired, red, swollen eyes. They started at each other for a while before regulus carefully opened his arms and James did throw himself into them. The hug lasted for a good amount of time. Both of them desperate for the other one.
As they ended up in bed, panic got to James again, the air wasn’t enough anymore or at least it was not enough in his lungs and, and and… everything was too much. Regulus was trying desperately to keep calm, to somehow calm his love down. But how do you calm someone down when you are the reason they panic in the first place? When you are the trigger? He still doesn’t know what he did right or wrong the moment James finally is starting to calm down. He is sitting at the end of the bed, James at the head, they will not close this space for the night so much is sure for regulus. They spend the night talking about everything. And for the first time regulus could feel the full fire. Not just sense the heat. And at once he understood that the sun is burning.
With time he started to understand more, and more and he wish he never did. He didn’t want to hear about all the things that happened to his love. He wasn’t ready to see how much worse than his family was a family could get. He was not fine. But James wasn’t either. And he decided that it was not his place for not being fine. He still was angry at the people who should have loved James. Who should have protected him, but instead used and sold him or at least his body.
Regulus felt disgusted with himself because he used James just like these people did, or at least that was what he was telling himself.
James didn’t know how Regulus felt. If he would have he would tell him that it’s not the same, he could have said no with him. He felt better with him. They were together. It would have been just fine without his history. Without these sick people. But it wasn’t in the end.
James started to become strong panic attacks again, just like he did in his first year. Regulus gave himself the fault for it. Remus tried to bring the both of them to speak more. Speak about everything. He also was the one who suggested therapy.
After that James went to therapy every couple of days then weeks. Regulus joined in on it after a while. They both worked hard for their happy ending and maybe just maybe they did find the water to cool off the fire and restored the house, made it a home in which candles were the only thing burning.