Love was hard. It was complicated, and so confusing. Especially for someone like Evan Rosier.
Evan grew up without the love from his parents. As a kid, he would sit in his room and listen to his parents argue about him. ‘Evan should represent the family’ ‘Evan isn’t right for this family’ ‘Maybe Evan would do better in a different setting’ on and on and on came the comments. There was no love in his home, just cold words and never ending fighting.
He spent hours staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Trying to figure out why his parents acted as they did.
Evan didn’t know what love was. He didn’t know how to accept it; he didn’t know how to give it. Love was a foreign concept to him.
When he somehow manages to fall in love with James Potter out of all people, it was the scariest thing he had ever experienced. And when James somehow loved him back- Evan didn’t know what to think.
James loved with his entire soul. He only knew love. Every little thing he did was a way to show his love. He was the complete opposite of Evan. Evan didn’t know how to regulate his emotions, he didn’t know how to understand people’s emotions, he didn’t understand anything regarding feelings. James was full of emotion- it was what defined him. James was emotions all piled up into one person.
All of this caused them to fight. A lot. They were mostly just small fights; ones that were quickly made up with kisses and sweet-nothings for the whole night. James had the softest heart. He always forgave Evan. He didn’t care that Evan wasn’t emotionally there. James didn’t mind if he had to teach Evan what should be basic things about how to treat people. James didn’t care. He didn’t care because he loved Evan.
These fights normally meant nothing within a couple hours. They would fight, Evan would beat himself up, James would take sympathy, they would kiss, and everything would be fine again. James cared about Evan so much that it hurt. Evan couldn’t tell many things from facial expressions, but he learned James over time. The look in his eyes. It hurt him every single time he just simply forgave Evan.
This time, James wasn’t so forgiving.
“I can’t keep doing this, Evan. I can’t keep going on like this with you! You can barely treat me like a decent human being!” James had shouted. They had been arguing for about 20 minutes. About Evan, as normal. Evan couldn’t seem to grasp the concept of any of this, and James had finally snapped.
“Well then maybe if you are so sick of me, you should just leave!” Evan had yelled, hands shaking.
What was he saying? What was he doing?
“Fine then! Maybe I will!”
Please don’t leave me. I’m sorry. I love you. I care, I care I promise. Don’t leave Jamie.
“Fine. Go. See if I care.”
And James did. There was no ‘Oh Ev, I’m sorry’ or ‘we can work this out.’ There was no kissing and sweet-nothings. James turned and left, slamming the door behind him.
Evan knew in that moment that he fucked up.
Why was he the way that he was? What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just understand people? Why couldn’t he care like everyone else? Why couldn’t he love?
Go after him. Go apologize. You love him, so go tell him that.
No matter what his conscience said, he stayed frozen. He fell onto his knees, staring at the door. All that he could think about at that moment was his father. All the things his father would say to him.
“You are a disgrace to this family!”
“You are a sinner!”
“You must be punished!”
The words repeated over and over again in his head, tearing his mind apart. All the names his father would call him. All of the times he was hit to be punished for his sins. All of the times he was reminded that he wasn’t normal.
How could he be loved? He was unlovable. He wasn’t capable of being loved. No matter what he did, he was still built wrong. He wasn’t right. He wasn’t born right. He was born wrong, and he will always be wrong.
James could never love him. He was too perfect. James was the definition of perfection, and what was Evan? He was just simply someone with the inability to express emotions, along with the inability to understand how others are feeling. He can’t love, he can’t be loved. It just wasn’t possible.
So he let James leave. He let James slam the door. What was he supposed to do? Evan couldn’t fix this- he didn’t know how to. He didn’t know anything, so he simply sat on the floor in front of his door and stared. He stayed on his knees, breathing shakily as his eyes were locked on the door.
He wasn’t waiting for James to come running back; that was unrealistic. He left, and James never leaves. He didn’t care about Evan anymore. It just wasn’t possible. He sat there because he didn’t know what to do with himself.
As much as he tried to deny it, as much as he tried to hide his feelings, he just couldn’t. Evan was in love with James. He had known it for some time now; it wasn’t unknown to him. It was the fact that he loved James so much, so fucking much, that he was sitting in front of his door with tears in his eyes. Evan Rosier, the boy who doesn’t feel anything, was on the verge of tears because James left him.
It hit him hard at that moment. It hit harder than when he first realized that what he was feeling was love for James. It hit harder than anything he had ever experienced.
Evan was so deeply in love with James that it hurt. He never even realized how bad the boy had affected him. He needed James; even though he didn’t want to admit it. He had hidden that fact deep into his rotten chest, trying to keep it away from the world. He kept it so hidden that he didn’t even know himself. He didn’t realize how much he truly liked James- until it was too late.
What had he done?
~
There was something so special about loving someone. The desire to always be there; the want to stick with them no matter what happens.
James loved Evan more than he could explain. His chest burned with the sheer amount of love he had for him.
He would do anything if it meant Evan was okay; if he was happy. It didn’t matter how much it hurt James. The only thing that mattered was Evan.
Until he breaks.
Slamming the door in Evan’s face was the hardest thing he ever had to do. He loved Evan with his whole body, but he couldn’t keep going like this. James had finally snapped.
James knew that it wasn’t really Evan’s fault. He couldn’t control how he was raised. He couldn’t control the fact he struggled with emotions.
James had tried to help him. He taught Evan all the basic things he needed to know, but it never seemed like he was even trying. He treated James like shit sometimes, and he couldn’t take it anymore.
He quietly shuts the door to his own dorm, and sinks to the floor. He loved Evan with every fiber in his body, but he couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe that was how they were supposed to be. Maybe they were just destined to never work out. Maybe they would be tragic in every universe.
Maybe love couldn’t save them.
~
Evan didn’t know how he was going to make things right. He never could; it was always James. He didn’t know the first thing about apologizing or trying to fix things. He had always been convinced he was incapable of doing that.
Because of this, Evan did what he always did. He went to Regulus.
“Reg, man, you have to help me,” Evan starts, flopping down onto Regulus’ bed. “I don’t know how to make things right.”
“What even happened?” Regulus asks, sitting down next to Evan. He didn’t have a lot of patience when it came to his friends and their emotionally stunted minds.
“We were fighting, and it was like our normal other fights. But then it wasn’t,” Evan sighs, turning his head to look at Regulus. “He left. James snapped, and he left. I don’t know how to fix this, you have to help me.”
“James snapped? As in James Potter? Mr. Sunshine snapped?” Regulus was bewildered at this statement.
“Yeah… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“You really fucked up if James snapped,” Regulus sighs. “What do you expect me to do about it?”
“How am I supposed to fix this?” Evan asks, a pleading look in his eyes.
“I can’t tell you what to do Evan. You know James far better than I do.”
Regulus was right about that. Evan should know James better than anyone else. Why can’t he understand how to make things right?
“Look, everyone knows that you struggle with your emotions, James especially. I’m sure you said something that greatly pissed him off, and that he’s tired of having to always make all the amends.” Regulus says, pulling Evan into a sitting position.
“I love him.” Evan mumbles, letting Regulus pull him up.
“Then prove it. Maybe all he wants you to do is realize you are doing something wrong. Maybe he wants you to show that you do care, and that it’s just in your own way.” Regulus says, rubbing his thumb across Evan’s knuckles.
“What do you want me to do? Just show up and say I’m sorry or something?”
“Tell him you love him. Tell him you know that you fucked up, and speak from your heart, the little bit of it that you have.”
“Can you just like… write me a speech or something?” Evan asks, a slight hint of hope in his voice.
“Evan, I can’t tell you what to say. It has to be what you think. You know you love him, and you know you fucked up. Maybe that’s all he needs. Maybe he just needs confirmation that you do love him, but you just struggle to show it.”
“You really think so?” Evan was weary. He knew he needed to fix things with James. Deep down, he knew that he loved James with every fiber in his rotten soul. Every single part of his disheveled emotional state knew that he loved James. James was his everything.
“James loves you, that much is obvious. Maybe he just needs that same reassurance.” Regulus looked into Evan’s eyes, and he saw the slight hint of something in those eyes. The hesitance. The love.
“Thank you.” Evan says softly, squeezing Regulus’ hand.
“For what?”
“For putting up with me, for helping me, for dealing with all my shit. I know it can’t be easy, especially when you also have to put up with Barty.”
“Evan, you are nothing compared to Barty. In fact, you are a breath of relief after dealing with Barty. So what if you are emotionally incompetent? I still care, and I’m sure James does as well. He wouldn’t put up with you as much as he does if he didn’t love you.”
There is a period of silence where neither of them talk. It isn’t awkward or uncomfortable, it's peaceful. They make it work.
That was the thing about Evan and Regulus. They just fit together. It didn’t matter what the situation was, they could work together. Nothing mattered when it was the two of them. It was a special bond that couldn’t be broken. Nothing could ever separate those two, not even their parents and their fucked up pasts. If anything, it just made the two even closer.
“I’m gonna go talk to him.” Evan says, getting up out of the bed. “Thanks again, Reg. Means a lot.”
“Anytime Evan. Go get your boyfriend back.”
Evan leaves Regulus’ dorm, And walks across the school to James’ dorm. It was now or never. If Evan didn’t apologize, he could lose James. James was his everything. Sure, he constantly had the thought that he didn’t deserve anything he has, especially James, but that doesn’t mean he wants to lose it. Not now, not ever,
If Evan knew one thing, and one thing only, it was that he never wanted to lose James. James was his everything. His muse, his lifeline, his sun, his world. He was everything to Evan, and he couldn’t lose that.
~
Knocking on that door was probably the hardest part of the entire confrontation. He paced in front of James’ door for several minutes, trying to think of what to say. He didn’t know how to make it right, how to fix all the shit things he has done. He barely knew what love even was, but he knew that he had love for James. He just had to hope that it was enough to save them.
He finally knocked on the door after several minutes, taking a deep, shaky breath. He was really going to do this.
James opens the door, eyes widening when he sees who it is. “Evan? What are you doing here?” His eyes were red and puffy, and Evan immediately felt guilty.
Guilt was something he felt more often than anything else. He felt guilty for not being enough for anyone. He felt guilty for letting his father down. He felt guilty for not meeting his family’s expectations. He felt guilty for not being emotionally present when people needed him. He felt guilty for all the times he messed up. Guilt was eating him alive. It was like mold that was constantly growing on his bones.
“Can we talk?” He asks quietly, looking down at his hands.
“Yeah… yeah, what’s up?” James leans against the door.
“James…” Evan takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “I’m sorry.”
James looks at him with a look of pure shock on his face. “Evan-”
“No James, I am. I’ve been fucking awful to you. I’m never emotionally there, I’m never good to you, I’m a horrible person. I know that. I also know that I love you. I love you more than anything. Some days the only thing I can tell is that I love you and that I need you. It doesn’t matter how rotten my chest is, it doesn’t matter how little of a heart I truly have, nothing else matters. I love you so fucking much Jamie, and I know that I keep messing up, but I’m here in your doorway and I-”
“Evan.” James repeats, placing his hands on Evan’s shoulders, stopping his rambling.
“I’m sorry.” Evan whispers, biting his tongue. “I’ve been awful to you since day one, but I need you to know that I love you. I need you to understand that I need you. No matter how I act, I will always love you. I could be screaming at you, and I would still love you with every little piece of me.”
“Just shut up and kiss me.” James says, before kissing Evan. It started soft, but eventually got harder and more passionate. James’ hands were in his hair, and time just stopped.
Evan pulled back, taking a sharp breath in. “I love you.” He whispers, looking into his eyes.
“I love you so much, Evan. I don’t care that you are absolutely horrid with emotions. I don’t care that you have a shit family. I just care about you.” James’ voice was filled with sincerity. He actually means it. And that breaks Evan.
A tear falls down his face, and James’ hand immediately comes up to wipe it away. “I mean it, Evan. I love you so much.”
Evan can’t speak. He’s afraid he could ruin something if he did. He stares into James’ eyes, and he knows. He just knows.
This is love. This is real love. This is what everyone craves. It’s fragile and so soft, so delicate. Even so, it’s real, and it’s so consuming that even Evan can feel it.
Maybe they weren’t perfect. Nothing really was. They would make mistakes and they would fight, but nothing could change the fact that they loved each other. Nothing else in the world mattered when they were together. They had each other, and that was what mattered.
“I will never leave you, ever. No matter how many fights we have, I promise I will never leave.”
Evan clung to that promise. He clung to the hope that he could have one good thing in his life. He allowed himself to have this. He wanted this so much, so he would be selfish and keep James all to himself.
Their love was special. It was something that no one else had, and that’s what made it so important. No matter what, James would always be Evan’s.
They would always have each other, and that was the only reassurance that Evan needed.