Chapter 26
One afternoon, Luna took her eyes off her Transfiguration book and said, “I’m thinking about starting to paint their room.” She was rubbing her hand over her belly.
Harry observed the movement and how lovingly her hand rested on her belly. He felt an urge to cover her hand with his, but then he shifted his gaze to her eyes.
“That would be great, but no standing for too long.” He smiled when she rolled her eyes. “I can help.”
“I’ll give you a list of materials, and you can go buy them?”
“Of course!”
In the following days, Luna prepared the paints and materials needed for the room’s painting.
She wanted to paint a mural on the main wall of the room, but she knew it would take some time, since she couldn’t stand for long periods. Still, her excitement about painting again was immense. This was something she shared with her mother, and somehow, it brought out the old Luna. It brought out her creative spirit and the joy that the smell of paint brought to her heart. She was happy that this wasn’t something the Malfoy mansion had killed in her.
It had been fun for both of them to start taking care of the babies' room. It made everything feel even more real. One day, she and Harry were both covered in paint when they decided to take a break for tea. Before leaving the room, an unknown owl landed on the window. Luna walked over to it and stroked its feathers. The owl extended its leg so she could untie the small parchment. As soon as Luna took it, the owl flew away without waiting for a treat.
When Luna began to open the parchment, curious, the handwriting on it made her whole body shiver, and she felt dizzy.
“Who is it from?” Harry approached.
For a reason Luna couldn’t explain, she buried the parchment against her chest so he couldn’t see it. Harry furrowed his brows.
“Can you go make the tea?” She didn’t look at him. “I’ll be down in a minute.”
“You can’t go down alone.”
“Then I’ll call you.” She cut him off.
Harry looked at her and then at the parchment in her hands. He didn’t know what was going on, but he respected Luna’s wish to be alone.
“Alright...” He left the room and closed the door behind him.
Luna took a shaky breath and looked out at the hills visible through the window. She hadn’t even read the letter yet, but the feeling of loneliness was deep within her bones. She stood still, unable to summon the courage to read it. Minutes passed before she decided to face the inevitable.
She unrolled the letter and looked at her father’s handwriting.
Her whole body trembled. She hadn’t seen her father in almost a year and a half. When she left the mansion, he was in prison, but as soon as the Order took him out of there, he simply ran away. He didn’t have the courage to talk to his own daughter; he sent a brief note saying he couldn’t come back, and that was all.
The person Luna loved most in the world, her only family, had abandoned her when she needed them most. The feeling of loneliness she had when she received his note was the same she felt now. The feeling that she didn’t deserve to be loved, that she didn’t deserve to have someone there for her was just as strong now as it had been before.
She looked at the letter and realized it was also a note.
Luna,
I’m writing to let you know that I’ll be returning to The Quibbler.
I’m not ready to come back yet.
Xenophilius.
Luna blinked at the note, then read it again. She observed the curve of the letters, the way he wrote her name, and how he wrote his own.
He didn’t call her “moonchild,” as he always had since she was born, and he didn’t sign it as “Daddy,” as he always had in his letters to her.
Luna reread it several times, and each time her heart hurt more, her body shook more. When she felt her fist clenching around the letter, crumpling it, she looked around as if she didn’t know where she was.
Luna looked at the half-painted wall, at the cans of paint, and felt empty. She didn’t deserve to have anyone with her, let alone children. She had to be alone, it was what she deserved. To be left behind. She deserved all the bad things that had happened to her. She deserved the loneliness, she wasn’t worthy of love.
In a quick movement, she grabbed the first can from the top of a chair and threw it at the wall, causing the paint to splatter on the floor and the white wall. In a cloud of pain, with her eyes blurred by tears, she began throwing all the paints and brushes, barely hearing her own scream of anger, pain, and despair.
Luna collapsed to the floor in the middle of the room, covering her face with her paint-smeared hands as she cried all the tears she had kept inside since discovering that her father had abandoned her.
She had clung to her father’s beliefs her entire life, and for that, she was left to rot in the loneliness of Hogwarts. Then she was kidnapped, tortured, and raped, only to be abandoned by her only family.
Luna was vaguely aware of Harry entering the room and calling her name. She didn’t want him there, she didn’t want anyone there.
Luna rocked back and forth, crying into her hands.
When a gentle hand touched her arm, she screamed.
“Don’t touch me!” She felt as if she were covered in mud, dirtying everything that touched her.
Gradually, amid the chaos of her own crying, she heard Harry’s soft voice.
“Lu, I’m here with you. You’re safe.”
She shook her head negatively, still with her eyes closed, crying.
“Lu, it’s me, Harry.”
“I’m alone.” Luna sobbed between her hands.
“I’m here with you.” He spoke softly, and she felt his presence, but he didn’t touch her.
“I’m alone, he abandoned me.” She sobbed, repeating the same phrase over and over.
“You’re not alone, Lu. I’m here with you.” He tried again.
“No, I deserve to be alone. I’m dirty.” She couldn’t stop sobbing, and she felt the movement inside her belly, but she was too distant to notice.
“No, you’re not. I’m here with you.” This time he tried to touch her arm again. She didn’t say anything, crying and rocking back and forth.
Harry slowly wrapped his arm around her, careful not to startle her, and then pulled her into his chest.
Luna leaned against him, feeling too weak to pull away.
“He abandoned me.” She cried into Harry’s chest. “I’m alone. I’ve always been alone. I don’t deserve anyone.”
Harry held her tightly in his arms, feeling his heart break for her.
“You’re not alone, Lu. I’m here.” He whispered in her ear, but she shook her head and cried even more.
Harry hated seeing her like this. She looked so fragile. On the verge of breaking. He held her even tighter, wanting her to know that he was there for her.
“Lu…” He cupped her face with both hands. “Look at me.” He asked, his thumbs brushing away the tears from her cheek.
Luna didn’t open her eyes but repeated softly, as if lost inside her own mind, “I’m alone.”
“Luna, please, open your eyes.” Harry pleaded gently.
She opened her eyes, and Harry felt his heart race when he saw her red, silver eyes. He wanted to take all the pain away from her. Luna didn’t deserve any of this.
“You’re not alone, Luna.” He gazed deeply into her eyes.
She stayed silent, but her eyes showed disbelief. She had deeply rooted in her heart that she was alone.
“I will always be here with you.” He stroked her cheek with his thumb.
Luna just looked at him, empty.
Harry desperately wanted to prove to her that he would be there, to show her that she wasn’t alone, so he surprised both of them by leaning forward and gently pressing his lips against hers.
It was brief, and when he looked at her, her eyes were wide open. His heart was racing madly. He licked his lips, tasting her, and wanted to lean in again. He noticed Luna following the movement of his tongue, and something shone in her eyes. When she looked back at him, there was warmth in her gaze.
Then both of them leaned in again and closed their eyes as their lips connected. They stayed still for a moment, as if waiting for one of them to pull away, but neither did. On the contrary, Harry’s hands on her face tightened, and he deepened the kiss. He sucked on her lower lip, then licked it. Luna opened her mouth for him, and he slid his tongue inside, rubbing it against hers. The kiss continued slowly, a discovery and a caress. Harry’s whole body was on fire, and he only stopped because he couldn’t breathe anymore.
Luna stayed for a moment with her eyes closed, a small smile on her lips. Harry wanted to kiss her again, but then he remembered where they were.
“Lu…” He said reluctantly. “You need to clean yourself off from the paint. I’ll help you get to the bedroom.”
She quickly opened her eyes, and her small smile faded. She nodded silently but didn’t speak.
Harry helped her to her feet and guided her back to the bedroom.
“Thank you, Harry.” That was all she said before closing the door and locking it.
Harry stood outside for a moment, feeling lost.
Why had he kissed her?
Did he do it just because she was sad?
The answer came immediately: NO! He wanted to kiss her, and that desire had been growing inside him. He did it now because he saw that his words weren’t penetrating the cloud of sadness surrounding her, so the kiss was the first thing he thought might show that.
The problem was how Luna felt about it.
She had never shown any inclination beyond friendship toward him. She seemed to have liked the kiss, but she was vulnerable, and he had kind of taken advantage of that. Considering she had just closed the door in his face and locked it, he probably needed to apologize.
Harry ran his hand through his hair. Why did he always get himself into these situations? Now, he didn’t know how to feel or what to expect.
Harry waited for Luna to come out of the room for dinner, but she didn’t come out. She didn’t open the door for him to come in and sleep with her either.
He lay in his cold bed, where he hadn’t slept in months, and worried that he had ruined everything. That he had crossed a line he should never have crossed.