Chapter 12
"You called him a what?" Remus asked, flabbergasted at Sirius' recount of his conversation with Severus. "Sirius, what are you trying to do here?"
"I don't know! I just don't know! I shouldn't have even gone there until I took some time to think about all of this myself. It was a mistake and I don't know why I would say something like that. I didn't mean it." Sirius exclaimed.
"You're not the only one dealing with this.” Remus’ tone was stern but not unkind. “It affected all of us: me, you, Harry and Snape. It's okay if you want to process this you can't lash out." Remus explained.
"I get that but he’s the one who doesn't even care! He told me none of this matters. How could whatever it is that we had not matter?" Sirius asked.
“Okay, pause.” Remus held his hand up to stop Sirius before he spiraled again. “What exactly did Snape say?”
“I asked why he was so nonchalant. Those memories changed everything we knew. He said it didn’t change anything. He was still attacked and the attacker went unpunished. As far as he was concerned, the only change was the name of the person behind all this. He said it only changed things for me because I never saw James for who he was.” Sirius’ voice cracked on his friend’s name and Remus reached over, comforting his best friend.
Sirius looked at him with obvious frustration and confusion. Remus took a deep breath, knowing just how difficult it was to get something past Sirius’ stubbornness. “Pads, there are so many things going on here that we’re going to need to break things down. All of us were surprised to find out that you and Snape were together, you, me, Harry and even Snape.”
Sirius nodded, following Remus’ logic so far. “Only you, me and Harry were shocked by what James did…”
“But…” Sirius tried to interject before Remus sent him a glare that immediately shut him up.
“Please save all questions and arguments for the end.” Remus said, only half joking. “Snape wasn’t surprised by that because he expected James to hurt him. We were surprised because we didn’t expect James to hurt us, to hurt you. That’s point one.”
Sirius opened his mouth to speak but snapped it shut, opting to nod instead. “Point number two is that you are focusing on who orchestrated this attack while Snape is focused on the fact that there was an attack. Are you still with me?”
Sirius shook his head from side to side and Remus chuckled. “For you, it matters who planned this whole thing because you were wrongly accused. For Snape, it doesn’t matter who planned it because, either way, he still got hurt.” Sirius’ eyes widened as realization dawned on his face. As much as he had been the victim, Severus almost died at the ripe old age of fifteen. He didn’t care who stood behind the wand, because the name of the person wouldn’t change the fact that they still cast a killing curse.
“I get it now.” Sirius sighed. “I just… I need to understand what we had. I want to remember what it felt like. But he doesn’t seem to care. Like us kissing and sneaking out the astronomy tower means nothing!”
“You don’t remember anything?” Remus asked, sympathetic to his friend’s curiosity.
“No. That spell erased everything.” replied Sirius, dejectedly.
Remus corrected him, “James erased everything.”
“Right, James. How are you having such an easy time with this, Mooney? I can’t even fathom…” Sirius trailed off, unable to vocalize his feelings about the betrayal.
“I’m not.” Remus replied. “I am so angry, I want to yank him out of the after-life just to yell at him. But one thing helps.”
“What’s that?” Sirius looked up to meet Remus’ eyes, hoping he would have the missing piece to help him make sense of this.
“I don’t have to blame you for what happened. I can trust you again. We never really recovered from that but now we can, if you want.” Remus said, becoming sheepish at the admission.
“Losing your trust was something I always regretted.” Sirius said, pulling his friend into a tight hug. They stood like that for a minute, holding each other up before the floo roared to life. The men took a step back, ready to greet the first of the order members.
Sirius rushed to greet Arthur and Molly, giving Remus a sly smile as the man was left to converse with Tonks. Soon enough, the room started filling up, though Sirius’ gaze darted towards the fireplace, more than he would ever admit, waiting for someone in particular.
“Let’s get started,” Dumbledore announced as everyone settled down.
Arthur awkwardly raised his hand hoping to get the headmaster’s attention. “Yes, Arthur?” the headmaster asked kindly.
“I believe we are missing Severus?.” It came out more like a question.
Dumbledore nodded gravely. “Ah, yes. He is away on a personal trip but made sure to provide me with everything we’ll need in his absence.” The headmaster gave Remus a pointed look and continued. “I believe he is currently in France!” Dumbledore completed jovially.
Remus and Sirius exchanged glances, having a reasonable idea about Severus’ sudden departure as the headmaster continued with the meeting’s agenda.
Throughout the meeting, Sirius couldn’t help but sneak glances at the fireplace, unable to extinguish the hope that Severus would somehow step through.
After the meeting, Remus caught up with Dumbledore, who gave him the finished wolfsbane. Sirius followed, hoping to find out where Severus was. Dumbledore gave him a knowing look, as if he had slotted these puzzle pieces long ago and was waiting on his students to catch up.
“Headmaster?” Sirius asked.
“Yes, dear boy!” Dumbledore seemed way too happy considering they spent the past 2 hours making war plans.
“Snape– Is he…” Sirius struggled to get the words out, not confident in what he wanted to ask in the first place. Finally, Sirius settled on a concerned “Is he okay? Did he say anything before he left?”
Dumbledore’s smile widened. “He is much safer there than any of us are here. And no, Sirius, he did not tell me why he suddenly decided to take this leave of absence. I also got the sense that he preferred for me not to pry.”
“What about Harry’s occlumency?” Sirius asked, his concerns as a godparent taking over.
Dumbledore’s smile faltered for a miniscule second. Has Sirius not been scrutinizing every context clue, he would have missed it completely. “Severus has reported that the last few lessons have not gone too well, though he was hesitant to give me many details. He has asked to find another instructor. Though that is a challenging request. If you and Harry both feel the same way, I’ll see what I can do.”
Sirius shook his head. “Harry feels really bad about what happened. He’s promised to do better. If Severus is willing to give it one more chance, can you ask him to continue his lessons once he’s back?”
Dumbledore nodded. “I’ll pass on your request, though I doubt it will be difficult to convince him. Severus knows he’s an excellent teacher and he also recognized the urgency for Harry to develop these skills.” There was a small pause as Sirius gave the headmaster a relieved smile.
“I must say,” Dumbledore continued. “I find it delightful that you are no longer holding onto past grievances and have decided to let go of childhood squabbles.”
Sirius’ face fell at the unknowing reminder of the past couple of days. “I’m glad someone is finding it delightful.” Sirius muttered under his breath.
Dumbledore gave Sirius an odd look before saying, “Well, thank you once again for your hospitality, Sirius but I must take your leave. It’s almost dinner time and I would like to have a conversation with Harry about his Occlumancy lessons.” Sirius nodded and gestured for the headmaster to continue.