Hooked on a Feeling
O.W.L.s: 1976, Fifth Year:
The next time Gilderoy Lockhart and Peter Pettigrew ran into each other, it was on account of the moving staircases. The bloody things were messing with Peter on purpose; he was sure of it. They moved just about every time he stepped on one and it had made him late to a number of lectures. This time, he had been trying to go back to the Gryffindor common room and just before he reached the platform to step off on, the ground rumbled and Peter was watching the portrait of the Fat Lady get further and further away. He wasn’t even on the way for anything but a nap but still— this was getting ridiculous. He didn’t see any purpose for them to move either; they only seemed there to make his life more difficult.
The Fat Lady shrugged at him and Peter found the gesture quite rude and stuck two fingers up at her. When the staircase finally came to a halt, standing directly in front of him, waiting for a staircase to arrive, was a smiling Gilderoy Lockhart.
“Hiya, Peter!” Gilderoy said in a way that suggested that he had not— as Peter, Remus, Lily, and Marlene had— been up all night revising for exams. It was late in the term and the group had O.W.L.s soon so they had formed a small study club that met late in the evenings when most other Gryffindors had gone to bed. Gilderoy was a 4th year. He didn’t have O.W.L.s for another year, lucky bastard.
Peter nodded in response.
“Trouble with the staircases?” Peter nodded again. Gilderoy scoffed quietly. “Not very practical are they?”
“No they are not,” Peter said, aware of his cynical tone.
“Well… I’m on my way to the library. Want to come with?” Peter agreed and walked beside Gilderoy. The two fell into step with each other and Gilderoy skipped once so they stepped on the same foot at the same time. They didn’t talk, only listened to the sound of their heels clicking simultaneously against the tile.
The two found a quiet corner of the library and sat opposite each other. Peter decided he ought to make conversation rather than continuing to be grumpy.
“So what’re you studying for?” he asked as Gilderoy began reaching into his satchel.
“Hmm?” replied Gilderoy with his head still down. “Oh no. Not studying. Reading for book club.” He finally found the book he had been looking for and held it up in the air in triumph.
“Book club?” Peter questioned.
“Yeah. It's a Ravenclaw thing. Me and my friends have a muggle book club. We read a muggle novel every other week and then sit around and drink mead and talk about it in the common room,” Gilderoy said all at once. “Or well, mead if we can get our hands on it. Sometimes Cassiopeia can even swing some muggle wine which is a real treat.” He made eye contact with Peter. “Don’t tell anyone about that.” Peter gave a small nod.
“Every other week feels like that's a lot of reading,” Peter said. Godrick, was everyone a better reader than him?
“Nah, not too bad. And besides, it's good reading! Exciting stories and stuff. You could join if you wanted to.” Gilderoy got that stupid cheeky grin on his face again. “You should, really! The club will fall right in love with you, I know it!”
“I’m not sure I could keep up,” Peter said, keeping his head hung low.
“Nonsense. Witty lad like you?” Gilderoy said, glaring at him with a dangerous twinkle in his eye. “You’ve got quite the head on your shoulders. I’ve played you in chess; I would know.” Peter’s heart skipped a beat and he was sure his face was embarrassingly red. “And besides, if you don't finish in time, you can always just sort of make it up!”
“Make it up?” Peter asked louder than he meant for it to come out.
“Yeah.” Gilderoy shrugged. “Fake it til you make it, Petey. If you say it with enough confidence, most people won't even notice that you didn't do the reading.” Peter shook his head and started pulling out his herbology notes for revision.
The two sat across from each other in focused silence. Peter sat still, flipping through his notes and Gilderoy kept shifting around in his seat while he read and put his feet up in strange ways. A couple times he kicked Peter and Peter swore at least once it was on purpose. Sometimes Gilderoy would glance up from his book toward Peter for a few seconds and size him up. Peter watched out of his peripheral vision as Gilderoy observed him carefully: how Peter twirled his quill and fiddled with the edge of his parchment. He would only look for a few seconds and then return to his novel. Once, he shifted and placed his foot beneath Peter’s calf so their ankles were pressed against each other. Peter didn’t move and sat there thinking about the warm press of Gilderoy’s leg and not paying attention to his revision at all.
*
The Marauders remarked about his tardiness to dinner that night.
“Meeting some special girl you haven’t told us about?” James asked, wiggling his eyebrows up and down. Peter rolled his eyes and blushed slightly. Mary and Sirius went “oOoo.”
Peter sat down and said, “Oh don’t get all excited. I was in the library.” Sirius perked up.
“Oo in the library? Good for you, mate.” Mary slapped his shoulder to shut him up.
Peter had always known that he was queer or something akin to it but he didn’t learn the term for it until he was 12 or so. It's not a particularly difficult discovery when you grow up as close with James Potter as Peter had. Their parents were friends back when they were young and James hadn’t had any siblings so the Potters were always hosting Peter in their Pre-Hogwarts years.
He hadn't realized, though, just exactly how intense what he felt for James Potter was until Sirius Black came into the picture. Peter had spent the summers of his youth glancing over at James Potter glowing in the sun and daydreaming they would run off together— just the two of them— and suddenly, there was Sirius. And Peter hated Sirius. Him and James were inseparable from day one and Peter did not take to the idea of having to share James with anyone very well. Sirius could tell, too, that Peter didn’t like him. So, the two of them had acted like enemies for nearly their entire first year despite James’ efforts to make what would become the Marauders a cohesive group.
At sometime in Spring term, Remus and James had conspired and locked the two of them in their dorm to “work it out”. Sirius and him sat in different corners of the room, Sirius muttering to himself until some time later, Peter stomped over, reached a hand down to Sirius and said, “Truce?”
Sirius shook it, probably glad to not have to surrender the feud first. Peter had overheard James telling Sirius at some point that he needed to be kinder to Peter because other students were not and they and Remus needed to be a united front that it was not okay to treat Peter that way. This had only made his affection for James grow, seeing how convicted he was, and he figured then that sharing James was better than losing him all together to Sirius and he worried that he would not win in a competition with Sirius for James’ attention.
It wasn’t until halfway through 3rd year that Peter really got over what he had for James. Sometimes when James was just coming back from quidditch practice with his jersey sticking to his back and his hair curled and draped in his face or if he smiled just right or laughed, Peter remembered why James had been for him what he had. James was entirely beautiful and butch at the same time.
But Peter wasn’t keen on telling James any of this nor Sirius or Remus or— Godrick forbid!— the girls, so the only person Peter had ever told had been his sister, Adwen. He hadn’t had anyone to tell them about either way because Peter hadn’t ever kissed a boy or held one's hand or gone to Hogsmeade with one and right now was certainly not the time to tell them about Gilderoy, when Peter still didn’t know whether Gilderoy’s tone and gestures toward him were some sort of queer subliminal messaging he was meant to pick up on or just the result of Gilderoy being both naturally charming and somewhat socially awkward. So, he shrugged their teasing off and quietly sat through dinner.
*
That night in the Gryffindor common room, Peter sat across from Remus on the couch. Peter was desperately trying to revise for Divination but Merlin, how were you even meant to study for such a thing? He wasn't much for studying, especially the way Remus did which was nearly constant but Peter had sort of been slacking off since 3rd year and these exams were so soon. The girls had already gone to bed and something told Peter that the only reason Remus hadn’t was because he was still avoiding Sirius. He had closed his textbooks and was sitting with his knees up to his chest reading a novel.
“Frank-en-stein? What’s that about?” Peter asked Remus.
“Uh… monsters.” Remus replied, mumbling. “Well,” he looked up, “People who are monsters and monsters who are surprisingly human,” he corrected himself.
“Oh,” said Peter. Remus nodded and went back to reading. Peter watched him for a few seconds, then closed his notes into his textbook and moved it off his lap.
“Hey, Remus, why do you like muggle books so much?” he asked.
“Oh,” Remus closed the book and turned it over in his hands, inspecting it like it would tell him the answer. “I dunno, Pete. They’re interesting, I guess. Muggles are um… well they’re a bit more creative. And this one is quite Gothic. It’s interesting to see Muggles write about magic and magical creatures and all that. They really love that stuff.” Peter chuckled.
“But they don’t know about that stuff, I thought?” Peter questioned.
“No, no, they don’t,” Remus responded. “They just sort of make stuff up about it. Get some of it right sometimes. Probably some accidentally leaked magical information somewhere in there.”
“Huh,” Peter said. “Do you think Muggle books are… I mean… would you say that muggles are better writers than wizards?” Remus laughed heartily.
“Oh, most definitely. Better music. Better books. Better paintings. Lily and I have plans this summer to go to an art gallery. She wants me to see the impressionists.” There was a real smile on Remus’ lips. Peter realized this was the first time he had seen Remus properly smile since That Night. “Whatcha want to know for?”
“Just thinking about picking up reading. Figured I would ask since I always see you with a book in your hands,” Peter said as nonchalantly as he could manage. “Maybe something to do next term, once O.W.L.s are over.”
“Sure, yeah. If you need recommendations, just ask. Lily knows some good ones as well but she doesn’t like books that end sad so fair warning, they’re a bit more bubbly usually,” Remus said and returned to his reading.
After their talk in the library, Gilderoy started showing up everywhere in Hogwarts. O.W.L.s were getting closer and closer and Peter was sleeping less and less. He couldn’t afford the time he had to spend pulling himself from daydream land every time he ran into Gilderoy but it felt inevitable. At meals, Gilderoy would smile at Peter from across the room. When Peter would watch James, Sirius, and Marlene practice quidditch at an hour so early that Remus made them sneak out of the dorm covered in silencing charms, Gilderoy would just happen to pass them in some corridor on the way to breakfast after. When Peter snuck off with a group of 6th year Hufflepuffs to smoke a few joints on the last Saturday before exams, Gilderoy and a friend of his, Pandora Rosier, were sitting outside the greenhouse when they arrived, giggling and sharing a dying spliff.
Peter had always been a non-confrontational person, reserved and observant, though admittedly not quiet when you got him in real conversation. He had been determined to let Gilderoy approach him first. Maybe it was the stress of O.W.L.s or the early summer storm brewing overhead but in a moment of rare bravery, Peter sat himself beside Pandora and tried to summon his best impression of Sirius' charm and overconfidence. He reached over her to Gilderoy.
“Can I have a drag?” he asked.
“Course” said Gilderoy and handed it over. Peter pulled the rest of the spliff in one deep breath and snuffed the last tiny bit out on the damp grass.
“So are you following me?” asked Peter. Gilderoy giggled.
“No, of course not.” Gilderoy rolled his eyes melodramatically. “Could ask you the same thing.” He pulled out another spliff and lit it with his wand.
“What are you two on about?” Pandora spoke up and Gilderoy began to explain how Peter had been showing up everywhere around him lately, even noted some times Peter hadn't noticed.
Gilderoy was somewhat less attractive when he was high. His shining blue eyes thinned and his face turned a sickly green and clashed with his otherwise perfect colour palette. Gilderoy’s shiny blonde hair was down just past his shoulders and sparkled in the sunlight. He had faint ginger freckles you couldn’t see in the dark corridors of Hogwarts castle. He was really beautiful when he wasn’t pale and squinting but the slight imperfections made him somewhat easier to talk to; this was a Gilderoy you could sit across from in the library and focus on your studying, so long as he wasn’t reading you instead of his book.
They enjoyed the afternoon. Pandora played with the bugs in the grass and Peter enjoyed the way Gilderoy laughed at everything Peter said, extra reactionary due to the spliff. Peter thought how wonderful it was to be a herbology student.
A few minutes later, Peter’s pet toad, sensing the familiar spot near the greenhouse, peaked out from under his robe. Peter introduced her to Gilderoy and Pandora as Munster, the toad.
Peter brought Munster to the greenhouses decently often; she loved the bugs. Peter wasn’t meant to take Munster out of his dormitory but she liked to explore so much, Peter thought it would just be cruel to not take her with him. She had become a kind of mascot for the Gryffindor quidditch team on occasion; last term, James had taken her up on his broom with him riding on his shoulder. James reported that she closed her eyes but he thought she was just enjoying the air passing by and was not in fact, as Peter had expressed worry of, afraid of heights. (Regardless, that was a one time experience for Munster.) Her favorite place to be was in Peter’s robe pocket where she could occasionally peak out and take in the world outside. She was a good toad, never made too much noise or caused too much trouble.
Munster had a little wart on her nose that the Gryffindor girls had decided first year looked like she had it pierced. Pandora gawked at her.
“Oh she’s so darling!” she exclaimed and rubbed Munster’s chin. Munster hopped onto Pandora’s shoulder and began trying to eat her hair. Pandora pulled her off and fell back onto the grass laughing. Gilderoy offered Munster the spliff then giggled to himself.
“Yeah she’s very friendly,” Peter said, taking her back and putting her on his shoulder. “Has a good sense of people too.”
“Well aren’t you so sweet?” She turned. “Gilderoy, I like him.” Peter blushed.
“Oh just wait, I’m a right git once you get to know me.” He laid down, placed Munster on his chest, and crossed his arms behind his head. Gilderoy leaned back on his elbow and faced the two.
“I don’t buy that for anything,” Gilderoy said, placing the spliff that was nearly smoked to the butt now in Peter's mouth. “You only get more dear the more I get to know you.” He whispered it was only meant for Peter to hear, like it was a secret, like he hadn’t even meant to say it out loud. Peter pulled a long drag off the spliff and closed his eyes knowing that would play in his head for weeks.
*
Peter didn’t sleep at all the night before O.W.L.s began but he only studied until midnight; Remus made him go to bed then and at least try to get some rest.
“You’ve done what you can, Pete. If you stay down here any longer, you’ll only tire yourself out,” he said leaning against the doorway to their dorm and motioning for Peter to come with him with his head. Remus always treated him a bit like a child despite only being four months older but Peter usually found it quite comforting.
“No, Moony I can’t,” Peter was laying on the carpet facedown in his textbooks. It was so late, he couldn’t even see the words to read them anymore. “I’m gonna fail,” he groaned and turned onto his back, throwing his arm over his forehead like an actor in a tragedy. “Remus, I’ve been so stupid this term; I should’ve started revising for these in like third year!”
Remus was now stood over Peter and extended a hand down.
“Well, it’s a bit late for that now, yeah?” Remus chuckled.
Peter made a pouty face which made Remus laugh. Peter grabbed his hand and let Remus help him up, though he tried not to put too much weight on Remus.
“Fine,” Peter said, dusting off his shirt and reaching to pick up his pile of books. “But if I get a single bad mark, I am fully and entirely blaming you, Remus John Lupin.” Remus laughed and shook his head and the two of them snuck into their dorm as quietly as they could.
Peter didn’t sleep at all but he laid on his bed until James woke up in the morning, listening to the pouring rain and thinking about how many hours he had spent this term watching quidditch practice or playing chess or planning pranks with the Marauders that he could have spent studying. He wondered how Remus did it all. He wondered how anyone did.
Peter didn’t see much of Gilderoy the rest of term besides the occasional wave in the corridor when Gilderoy’s smile made his heart skip a beat. When he was packing his things into his trunk to move out for the summer break, he thought about the muggle book club. Maybe he would really join next term; he needed to improve his reading skills severely and there was a chance it could help. Pandora seemed nice as well and if the Marauders had officially broken up, which as it seemed they had since Remus and Sirius were still not on speaking terms, it would be good to get some other friends, just in case. And there was also Gilderoy— who thought Peter was dear.
Peter kissed his toad on the forehead between her eyes and went off to catch his final meal at Hogwarts before the year’s end.