Chapter 6
“How do we know he’s safe, Sirius? What about the children? He’s a death eater.”
“He used to be a death eater, Molly, fifteen years ago,” Sirius was tired, he was confused enough about his feelings for Regulus, he didn’t need everyone else’s questions.
“He attacked you,” Molly said, it had been clear since this morning what she thought of Regulus and given how long it had taken her to warm up to Sirius, he wasn’t surprised.
“He’s my brother, we argue, we fight, he’s not actually going to hurt anyone, Molly.”
“But how do you know that?” Molly asked, concern lacing her eyes. And how did he know? The truth was, he didn’t. He couldn’t be sure Regulus wouldn’t go right back to Voldemort, but something, something in him did know. Some part of him, the part of him that know Regulus better than himself, the part of him that could sense every emotion that passes through the younger boy and knew exactly what to do to help it, that part, that part does know.
That part of him looks at his brother and still sees the scared little boy that would do everything their parents asked of him and still get punished, because he was never good enough. That part of him saw Regulus hobbling into Sirius’ room late at night, crawling into his big brother's bed and softly crying as he treated his wounds. That part of him saw the fear in Regulus’ eyes when he saw Sirius standing in their fathers office and knew, absolutely knew that he would never go back to Voldemort, never put Sirius in danger. Part of him has always understood Regulus, and always understood why he did what he did, he just didn’t like it.
“I just do,” he said, and there was no room for argument.
“Okay, but if he’s staying you have to talk to him, you can’t just blow up at each other every time you speak, especially in front of the kids.”
“He is a kid Molly, he’s seventeen and he’s confused and scared, it won’t be easy. Regulus has never lived in an environment where he doesn’t have to be constantly on guard, where he doesn’t have to fight for his life every day. While I admit talking to Regulus does bring out my more childish side, I'm his big brother, and I'm an adult, there’s a lot I have to teach him about life before we’ll ever be able to have a functioning relationship and that might take time, but I’ll talk to him,” and it was true, Regulus was just a scared child and Sirius was an adult now. He needed to talk to his brother.
— — —
His parents were dead.
Regulus sat on his bed as he tried to sketch but everything looked wrong. He’d been sitting in his room for about three hours and he’d officially missed two meals. He was just about to start a new sketch as there was a knock on the door. He set his pencil down with a sigh and went to open it.
“Yes?” It was Sirius, Regulus sighed.
“Can we talk?” His brother asked, softly.
“Look Sirius, I really don’t have the energy to argue right now, can you-“
“I don’t want to argue,” his brother interrupted, “I just want to talk, I brought you lunch?” It was the food that did it, definitely the food, Sirius could fall through the floor for all he cared.
He sighed and opened the door, “okay, come in.”
Sirius stuck his foot in the door slowly, as if it were going to rebound off of the wards, it didn’t and he walked in fully, going over to sit on Regulus’ bed and set the food down.
Regulus closed the door and followed his brother over to the bed, sitting opposite him and immediately reaching for the food.
“Thought you might be hungry,” Sirius started awkwardly.
“Yeah.. thanks,” he replied.
Sirius looked around the room, seeming a bit lost, “you um, fixed it up, that’s.. good.”
“Yeah it was a tip, Sirius. Enough small talk, what do you want?” Regulus hated small talk, it was all stupid and awkward.
“Remus, Molly, Arthur, and I all moved in here to fix it up so it could be the new order headquarters, it’s summer so the kids are all off of school and living here too. I don’t want to argue with you, Reg. our parents are dead and you’re alive, and I never thought I’d see you again and I just want to be your brother. I want to do it right this time. We deserve to do it right this time.”
Regulus paused his eating, taking in the new information. Most of all, Sirius… grew up? He just said all of that. Openly. Like an adult and so un-siriusy. Holy shit, Regulus missed so much.
“The Order?” Was the question he went for, opting for chronological order.
His brother seemed to deflate a little, “Yes, the order of the phoenix, it’s the name of the group we formed against Voldemort on Dumbledore’s orders during the first war, I said we could use Grimmauld place as the new headquarters since it technically belongs to me, since you were presumed dead and all.”
“The first war?” Regulus muttered, there was a second war; the dark lord was never killed.
“Oh yeah,” Sirius looked down to the bedding, then back up, “Voldemort went missing after James and Lily were killed, most presumed he…” Sirius stopped talking. Or maybe he didn’t. Maybe he started singing. Maybe Regulus stood up from the bed, perhaps he jamp out of the window.
James and Lily-
James-
James-
Jamie-
Regulus please,
James was dead?
It’ll be okay
It-
sweetheart I promise, we can win.
It’ll be okay.
it couldn’t-
James
he couldn’t-
Regulus please, don’t leave
James
sweetheart
James
we can win. It’ll be okay.
stay, please, don’t leave, Regulus please,
James
James
i’m sorry, Jamie
James
James is-
James’ hands, brown, bigger than his. James’ smell, like a forest, like a forest fire, warm and smoky. James, red, his quidditch broom, the small scar on his temple, the colour of his hair, the scratch of his jumper against Regulus’ face when they hugged, his eyes, his-
his James
James
Jamie
‘Stop it, I actually have to get some homework done, dear,’ James burst out laughing, eyes twinkling and creasing in the corners as a wide grin spread over his face.
‘why are you laughing?’ Regulus asked, offended.
’you called me dear,’ James started, but it just made him lapse into more laughter.
Regulus huffed, embarrassed, ‘well I call you other names all of the time, I don’t see how this one’s any different.’ And that just made James… laugh more, great. He rolled his eyes, ‘fine, I’ll never call you it again, I can think of many more names to call you.’
‘like?’ James asked, laughter dying down, looking at his boyfriend in amusement.
’well a massive twat for one…’
“Reggie?”
‘Hey Reggie,’ James said, plopping down on the sofa next to him.
‘Don’t call me that.’ Regulus snapped, looking over at the older boy in annoyance.
‘Why?’ He pouted, ‘I’ll let you call me Jamie if I can call you Reggie, no one calls me Jamie, well apart from my mum, and my dad, but that won’t really count when we’re here-
‘I don’t want to call you Jamie,’ he said with a sneer, ‘I want you to leave me alone.’
James laughed, ‘okay Reggie,’ he stood up. Regulus threw his book at him.
”Reggie?”
’Reggie,’
Regulus looked up at James, smiling like a fool, ‘Jamie.’
‘I love you so much, you know that?’
Regulus rolled his eyes, ‘well, that’s a shame because I really can’t stand you,’
James’ eyes lit up with mischief as he abruptly reached down and attacked Regulus. They rolled around for half an hour of the morning doing absolutely nothing, but they had everything.
“Regulus, can you hear me?”
‘Regulus please, It’ll be okay, sweetheart I promise, we can win.’
‘I’m sorry, Jamie’ Regulus said, breaking away, ‘I can’t.’
‘No, no, It’ll be okay, Reggie, we can win.’
‘James, you’re not listening to me,’ Regulus insisted, tears in his eyes threatening to spill.
‘I am, I am, love, I just don’t understand, I- am I not enough? Is this not enough?’ James looked heartbroken, perhaps it was because his heart was breaking; breaking down into fine powder beneath Regulus’ heal.
‘it’s not about that, James, it’s- I- this, I can’t leave James, It’s my responsibility, I’m heir, it’s not about you.’
‘Not about me?’ James’ expression turned angry, he had never been angry with Regulus before and it made him want to close his eyes. He stared at James.
’No, you made this about me Reg, I love you. I love you so much so don’t you dare try to tell me killing yourself isn’t about me.’ Regulus flinched back from him, he couldn’t argue with him. He could break his heart, he could make him think he was evil, but he wouldn’t dare try to pretend he was going to survive.
His eyes were still locked on one’s filled with so much fury and he was afraid it might melt him. It couldn’t, he couldn’t give in, he looked away, blinking. He felt tears fall down his face, he ignored them.
‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, James. I have to do this, I’m so sorry I made you care.’
He left James in the come and go room and never looked back, even if he had to break his own neck to stop himself.
”Reg, breathe, look at me, breathe,” his brother gripped his sides but Regulus couldn’t feel the touch, he was numb. He and James had broken up. He’d long since accepted his loss for James, but he’d also accepted his loss for himself, so can you blame him for waking up alive after fifteen years and thinking…
But no. James was dead, and Regulus was not. That was not the way it was supposed to go. Everything Regulus did, everything he twisted to keep the people he loved safe but he wasn’t the one who got caught in the net. James was dead, James had been dead for fifteen years.
“Regulus? You need to breathe, come on” Sirius pulled his knees apart and placed Regulus’ head in between them, rubbing his back.
Regulus realised was gasping for air and it was starting to hurt his throat, he rocked forward and tried to breathe slower, but ended up chocking out a sob.
‘Deep breaths, in and out,’ Sirius started breathing very loudly in a way Regulus would usually tell him was off-putting but not this evening. Regulus folded forward into his big brother’s arms for the first time in seven twenty two years and followed his exaggerated breaths.
“I’m sorry, I'm sorry, I forgot, I wasn’t thinking,” his brother held him closer, smoothing down his hair.
Regulus was shaking as he sobbed, almost delirious, he clung to his brother as those words hit him.
“You know?” He asked. James swore he wouldn’t tell, but then youdied, a voice in his head whispered, James.
“I know. I know, I'm sorry, I wasn’t thinking,” Regulus sniffled and pulled back from his brother.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he wasn’t supposed to die, you were never supposed to die, I- I tried so hard, I pushed you all away but none of it worked, it’s all my fault,” Regulus was supposed to die, he knew that. It’s why he killed himself in front of everyone he loved beforehand, how could he have died with James and Sirius standing behind him to receive the blowback? No, Regulus had to die alone, that was the way it was supposed to be. Anywhere near him was dangerous. He thought everyone would be safer and better off without him, but they were all hurt anyway. Regulus sacrificed himself to save everyone he loved and he was the only one who hadn’t been hurt. He broke his life to pieces to protect everyone he loved but they were all hurt anyway, and they took him away with them.
“Reg, listen to me,” Sirius grabbed his face between his hands, looking him dead in the eyes, “you did nothing wrong, you hear me? It is not your fault that James died and it certainly wasn’t your responsibility to save everyone. I know, I know you tried so hard but not everyone can be saved and sometimes there are people who are simply more powerful than us. James loved you so much, I know he did, even after you left, I also know that he would never blame you for what happened. James knew you always had his best interest at heart, I did too, even when you broke us by leaving and crushed us by dying we knew you were just trying to do what you thought was best. I’m so sorry I let you go that far, the truth is I was really so naive to believe we could stop the war before anyone got hurt and sometimes it was easier to pretend you wanted to be the perfect black than to believe I had let my baby brother sacrifice his life for mine.
“I’m your big brother, the person who is supposed to know you the best in this whole world and I pretended to believe you were someone else so it didn’t hurt as much when I lost you, because I was so scared of what would happen if I fought for you.
“But then I did lose you and it hurt even more because I knew you weren’t that person and you deserve so much more, Regulus.”
Sirius stopped talking, and stared at his baby brother who was still crying, looking extremely overwhelmed. He pitched forward to bury his face into Sirius’ neck and sob. His brother held him for what felt like hours, murmuring platitudes as the waves of grief dragged him under time and time again, drowning him in his own tears with every old memory. Regulus fell asleep eventually, the last tears still rolling down his face as he melted further down to the puddle in his brother’s arms and let the blinding white light behind his eyes finally go black.
Regulus dreamed he was a cat in a cupboard. He had been in the cupboard for fifteen years. Regulus pulled the door with all of his might but eventually, reality won, and the cupboard was thrust open. Regulus had been alive in that cupboard for fifteen years, until it was opened. James had been dead for thirteen years and perhaps Regulus had been, too. They’ll never know.