What Would You Ask For?
Sirius was finally happy, lying on the couch with his Moony. After all that waiting, finally, Remus and him had some time together.
After the time he spent in Azkaban, innocent, for a crime he didn’t commit, surrendered by the fact that he would die in that cell, at last, he managed to get out.
It all happened faster than he could ever imagine. One moment he was in Azkaban, alone and with the sole thought of getting his revenge.
Then he saw that fucking rat on the front of the daily prophet and he instantly knew that that animal was no other than the best friend who betrayed everyone Sirius ever loved.
He had to wait for a few days, but when the perfect moment came he turned into his animagus form and ran away and, somehow, he found Harry. With his ruffled hair and the wandering gaze, he looked so much like James Sirius had almost sprinted towards him, happy he could finally cry in the arms of his best friend.
But when he looked better he noticed that all of the green inside the beautiful eyes behind those crooked glasses didn’t belong to James, no, it belonged to Lily.
Lily, the only person that talked to him when the marauders excluded him from their life. A kind soul, too kind to anyone that remotely deserved it, and just mean enough to the people who needed to be put back in their place. She had always been a force to be reckon, but even she struggled to see her potential. It took Sirius a few years of school to see through the fog of hate against the muggle born that was put before his eyes by his family, but once he could see how incredible Lily was, there was no turning back. He could still remember how her beautiful red hair perfectly framed the exact eyes that he was looking into on that dark road.
It took him a moment to figure out it was Harry, all grown up, far from him and the people who loved him even before the moment he was born. Sirius was there the night it happened. James sent his patronus to call for help and he appeared before the beautiful stag could even explain the whole situation.
And just like this, that perfect boy was born, surrounded by all of the people that couldn’t wait to see him growing up. He remembered James crying in his arms, while he tried to contain the sobbing himself. Two twenty years old crying for a baby, forgetting for a moment the war that was going on while, in that room, love and happiness prevailed.
He was there when Harry said his first word, and he remembered his beautiful smile when he said “Mh-Mh-oony”. He remembered the shocked face of James, so eager to hear his son say dad, and the happy face of Lily, whose best friend would always remain the first thing that Harry looked for and, at least she thought, one of the people who would always be near Harry. Secretly it was his fault, because Sirius was always talking to the little kid about his memories at Hogwarts, so he might have had a part in this “how to make Harry betray his dad - scheme ”, as James called it.
After that Sirius had tried to make him say “Padfoot”, but the further Harry could go was “Pad-ah”. He gladly took that as a win.
He was thinking of Harry's first steps, as he was slowly approaching the black haired boy that was backing up on the sidewalk on the other side of the street. A bus showed up in time to block what Sirius would've done otherwise.
Watching the bus drive off made Sirius think about the first time he lost that boy. He was pretty sure that if he didn't die that night he could probably survive any other heartbreak the world would throw at him. That night, still hard to remember, was the night that made Sirius wish to be more like his mum. Heartless. Because maybe, just maybe, if he didn’t have such a big heart, if he didn’t love the people he was with, if James didn’t save him by being his best friend, he wouldn’t have had his heart broken, wrecked and stept on.
The night he first lost Harry he couldn't cry, because it wasn't the right place. This time, the second time he lost his boy, he simply didn't have the time to weep, so he shoved all of his love back inside of him, trying to get his mind back on to what he was doing.
One moment he was on the street and the other he was at Hogsmeade, looking for the secret passage to Hogwarts. His real home. The place where he found his family and fell in love for the first and only time. He made it into the castle easily, after all the times he used the passage he knew every turn by memory. In the corridors, after dinner was over, he saw a glance of Remus, but he didn't dare to go to him.
Twelve years had passed, in Azkaban, thinking about letters that were never written, promises that were broken and forgiveness asked to people who weren't alive to hear. He honestly couldn't think about all of the things he lost during those years, not only because he forgot he even had those memories thanks to the dementors, but because it hurt too much to think of them. The thought that he couldn't remember James's laugh was enough to make him want to collapse and never pick himself up.
He would never have the chance to hear his best friend laugh again, and he knew who to blame. He would never get his life back to where he was. He lost everything, and while he was rotting in that small windowless cell, the love of his life was alone and rotting in a lonely life he was never meant to live, and his godson grew up away from him.
Thinking about all of this made him careless. After all, he had literally nothing to lose anymore.
When he finally managed to trap the rat, Remus entered the room Sirius was in with Harry, Ron and Hermione.
Remus… Moony… his Moony. Finally, after all of the time spent alone, they were on the same side again. He honestly could've been happy just like this, with him by his side.
He wasn't afraid of death anymore. He wasn't afraid of dementors. The only thing that scared him was the thought that after all of this time his Moony would've forgotten him. He spent so much time thinking of how to explain to Remus his innocence that he wasn’t actually prepared to be forgiven the moment they saw each other. Maybe Dumbledore explained to him what happened, after all he was the only one to know that it was Peter who was the secret keeper of the location of Lily, James and Harry. Maybe they were fighting to get him out.
He didn't forget him, of course he didn't, because even after all of those years, the moment Remus' eyes landed on him, he could feel the love in them. It's strange how the feeling of home can be found, after years, in a simple smile.
He didn't get what he came to Hogwarts for, because Peter escaped again, leaving him a fugitive and Harry forced to go living with his uncles again.
But finally, after all the waiting, he had Remus back, always his Moony.
Being back at Hogwarts, even for a brief moment, brought back all of the memories he was hiding inside of him, away from the dementors. All of the thoughts that made him want to live. He did such a good job at keeping them into boxes, away from the touch of the dementors, he almost forgot he had them. Because that's the scary thing about that prison, even if you don't want to live, you have to. And if you want to die, they don't let you.
So now, for the first time after more than twelve years, he gets to think about all of them. They almost crush him, but he's ready to pick himself back up, with the help of Remus. It's almost like he's reliving every moment of happiness he ever felt. The first time he talked to James, and the immediate friendship that was created, the first time they won a quidditch game together, the first time they got blackout drunk and they told each other their deepest secret. To relive those years again, he thought, would be one of his greatest wishes. If only he would’ve known that he wouldn’t have a lot of time after, he would’ve relished every single moment, savoured every single joke and laughed at every single mistake. Perhaps that is the shame of living the happiest times of your life, you don’t know that they could finish at any moment, being snatched from you in the same time that it takes for you to smile with your favourite person the moment when you see them.
With all of the fun memories, bad ones also came. It took him a while to figure it out, but he had twelve years to only think about the bad things that ever happened to him, and he knew he had a lot to unpack. While Hogwarts and James were the reasons for his happiness and the reasons why he was able to escape and create a life that he would’ve liked living in, they were also the reasons why he lost his brother, the one that was his first family. When he escaped and went to the Potters, all bloody and beaten, he got a way out. But by doing that he left a part of himself behind. He was supposed to be Regulus's older brother, always there for him, always ready to protect him, near him for all the good and bad experiences.
To be honest, he was there for the bad ones in their younger life. When their mother pounded the straight position into them and when one wrong laugh would cost them dinner. When Regulus was afraid of all of the dark people that wandered through their house. When their mother found out about the snacks that they kept when she would refuse to feed them. He was there through all of these moments, and when he could, he took all of the blame.
They were so young, but Sirius was the older sibling, only a year of difference, but that didn't matter. He was supposed to be the hero, the brave one, the perfect brother, father and mother for his younger brother.
Because they didn't have good parents Sirius was the one that fed toddler Regulus, he was the one that was awake when the younger one was ill or had an upset stomach. Sirius taught Regulus how to find his own handwriting, and he was also the one who taught him how to fly on a broom. The proud feeling that he felt was still there, years later, when Regulus made into the team and when, because of him, Slytherin won all of their games, except for most of the ones against Gryffindor, of course.
They had their happy moments, like one Christmas, when Sirius found some candy in a shop and had begged the dealer to give them to him. In the end he had to steal them, but that was all right. Or one summer, when their mother wasn't home and Sirius asked Kreacher to make a pool appear. The water was only one or two feet tall, but they played with the water for hours. At the end of the day their mother found them still wet, but they both decided to forget what happened next.
Only one year of difference, but Regulus would have always been his younger brother.
It was a shock for him when, in his second year, Regulus stopped talking to him.
He assumed that something was wrong, that their mother must have said something to him, but every time he tried to talk to him, they just fought. Sirius then began to let it go, so he stopped inviting him to hang out, stopped waving to him when they crossed their way, or stopped smiling at him when their eyes met. He stopped wishing him a happy birthday. He stopped thinking of him as his to protect.
He knew that Regulus was fine, because if he wasn't, he could always ask for his help.
He was 17 when he saw the mark on his arm, on his little brother. All of the feeling that he pressed down bubbled to the surface and the only thing he had thought at that moment was that he had failed. He didn't protect him. He failed. He failed as a parent, he failed as a friend, he failed as a brother.
But he didn't say that. He wasn't just heartbroken, he was also angry. Because Regulus didn't ask for his help. When he finelly got out of that fucking house, Regulus didn't try to go with him. Regulus didn't fight, he never did. So he was furious, with himself and with Regulus. He asked him how he could stand with no spine, how it felt to know that he was the perfect son, if he thanked the dark lord after, or if their mother prepared his favorite meal to congratulate. Fuck, he was only 16 when he took the mark. He knew that the dark lord couldn't impose the mark, it had to be wanted to have it. That was a life changing decision, and he chose to accept it. When did it happen that his sweet younger brother became this monster?
And Sirius had said it, he didn't even try to help Regulus. Honestly he didn't even know he needed help until it was too late. It was a cold day when Regulus couldn't take it anymore and decided to hit Sirius with all of the hate that he had kept inside for years. It happened many years ago, a lot has changed, but Sirius still remembers the blood that those words held. “You only could escape because they had me, I've paid for your freedom”. “I don't have a choice, they won't let me out alive. There is no escape for me”.
On the worst nights in Azkaban he could almost see his younger brother, only 16, crying and telling these truths. He would relive those words infinite times, and every single time, like the first time, he didn't know how to respond. Because if that was true, if Reguls really felt that way, if he really didn’t want to be like them, then when did Sirius begin to think that there was nothing else to do for him. When did he give up on his little brother?
After Christmas, when Harry and his friends had already left for Hogwarts for their fifth year, the order was dismissed and Sirius found himself together with Remus. He missed him so much. Every night, while he was in Azkaban, he dreamt of the Moon, and only the idea of having him again was unthinkable.
All they did was talk, and Merlin, he didn’t remember how good that felt, to be held by him, to be near him, to be loved by him. He could say that his first night in Azkaban was also the first that he was alone, but he would be lying. They stopped sharing their love a lot sooner, not because they didn’t love each other anymore, but because they couldn’t be defenseless when they thought they were face to face with the enemy.
It was stupid thinking about it now, but during that first war, they really both thought that the love of their life was the secret spy that was working for the enemy. Right now it is clear that there was no substantial proof, but during those times doubt was fogging their judgment. Remus was thinking about the times when there was still a trace of Black inside of him, the time that he betrayed his trust, and it was like Sirius did never get it back. Sirius, on the other hand, saw as his boyfriend was disappearing every full moon to go running with the other werewolves under the control of Voldemort.
Now, he knows that it was all for a mission given to him by Moody. After what happened Remus thought that he was right all along, giving up on the idea that Sirius really loved him. They were foolish not to trust each other, but they learned from the past mistakes, and they now knew that they could trust each other with everything they got.
It was nice to think that finally Remus loved him again. This, of course, was what he thought, maybe Remus never really stopped sharing his love, he was just too focused on noticing his own flows.
It was one night as the other when Remus started talking, while they were snuggled together and Remus was going through his hair, gently.
“I was with Harry the other day, I asked him where the map was”
“Oh, that map, you know that little piece of parchment was the reason why I fell in love with you right?” Sirius said with a smirk.
“Funny, I tried to create something to always find where I was, just to get lost in your stupid pretty eyes.” Remus said, with a deep laugh.
This was a new thing for them, flirting by saying the most cheesy things, not really meaning them, but saying them as a joke, finally melting the edges that were built against their will.
“Anyway” Remus continued as Sirius tried to take under control the blushing “Me and Harry were talking, and he was suggesting me an upgrade”.
“The map is completely fine, but since I’m his godfather I'll allow you to continue this nonsense” Sirius said, giving all of his attention to him, smiling.
“He said we missed a room, on the seventh floor, across from the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. He said the room is only visible if you need something and you ask the room for some kind of help” Remus said.
“That is impossible, we always needed help to hide after one of our pranks, but this mysterious room never appeared for us” Sirius said, with a questioning look on his face.
“I thought the same thing, so I asked Harry to explain a little bit more. Apparently you’re supposed to pass the wall three times, thinking of what you need. Maybe we even used it, but we can’t remember. Or maybe we were running from the problems that we created, so we didn’t pass the wall enough times. Either way it’s not on the map, and if you enter this mysterious room, you disappear from the map, because we didn’t put it in” Remus explained.
“But that would be impossible, we would’ve seen someone enter this door, there were times we had the map open for twenty four hours straight” Sirius said, thinking.
It was those words that awakened something in Remus, and Sirius felt it. The air inside the room shifted, and from a lightweight conversation it shifted into something more heavy.
“Remus, I know that look, you are thinking of something. Spit it out” Sirius says, worried.
“I saw some students' names disappear, I even asked one of them how they did it, but I didn’t link the two things until now” Remus said, with sadness and worry in his eyes.
“Who were they, the ones who managed to find the room?” Sirius asked, genuinely curious why Remus had that reaction.
“It was James and Regulus.” Remus said, sighing.
And just like that he was back in the dark part of his mind. The brother he couldn’t protect, and the brother he thought he had figured out.
He was 17 when he found out. About the sneaking around, about the lying, about all of the stares he missed, too focused on his own life to notice anything had changed. Only 17 when he found out about the feelings that his younger brother and his best mate shared.
It destroyed him completely.
Maybe in another universe he would’ve been happy for them. Maybe in another universe they were all happy and together. He liked to imagine them sitting all together during Christmas, or any other festivity. They would've drunk together, laughed together and they would've lived their whole life never spending too many days away from each other.
He liked to think about these other realities, he hoped that the other versions didn't take anything for granted. He dreamed of all of the memories they would have made.
But this was the reality of their life, and it wasn’t one of the happy ones.
His best friend, the definition of the Sun that shines bright in the sky, always ready to sacrifice his happiness for the others, and always ready to protect them with all he had. He died doing what he had done his whole life, protecting the ones he loved the most, even if he was powerless.
And his brother, by his eyes, always in need of someone to protect him, a star that shined bright, but was visible only if you knew when and where to look. A star that was brought to life to shine for millennia, but stopped shining far too early, dying alone, leaving only darkness.
In another universe he was sure he would’ve accepted their relationship, but not in this one.
Not when his brother was with the bad guys, and not when his best friend spent his whole life fighting against what they believed in.
“What do you think you would ask for?” asked Remus, snatching Sirius from the waterfall of thoughts that crashed his mind. “If you found this room, what would you think about? What do you need the most?” Remus asked, trying to pull Sirius out of the rabbit hole he was digging himself.
“I don’t know. Right now I have you and I’m content, there is nothing that I need” Sirius said, a shy smile on his lips.
“Come on padfoot, humor me for a second” Remus asked, this time more firmness “If you could have anything in the world, what would you ask for?”
“I’d ask to talk with James.” Sirius said, looking away, because he was ashamed. Ashamed because after he’d lost everything the only thing he wanted to do was talk to his best friend. Ashamed because, if he really could ask for anything, the first thing that came to his mind wasn’t how he could end the upcoming war, or how he could save the others from suffering. The first thing that came to his mind was the selfish need to laugh again with his best friend, just for one time, even if it would have been the last time.
“You already sneaked in one time, maybe you could do it again. Maybe there is a possibility that what you want could become reality” Remus said, kissing Sirius’s forehead.
“That would be magical” Sirius said, finding a good place on Remus' neck to fall asleep on.