So Many Different People To Be
So many different people to be
It had been 7 days ago that my sister said she hated me. It was 42 days ago when I got my letter from Albus Dumbledore saying that I was going to be a prefect again. It was 215 days ago that I turned 16. It was 306 days ago that my best friend called me a mudblood. It was today that I would be returning to Hogwarts for my 6th year.
This year would definitely be different. I wouldn’t have Severus. I have other friends, but he has been one of the few constants in my existence in the magic world. Now I won’t have him. I shouldn’t care so much after what he did. I should be able to just write him off. I have been a part of the magical world for long enough, I don’t need him. Regardless of that, I still miss him. He may be a bittersweet memory but before he was bitter, he was sweet. He helped me adapt to everything in this life. Helped me with making my way to classes, understanding the subjects, and even finding the train my first day. He and I had grown farther apart as we got older but he was still always there. Regardless of all the stress of this life, he always made me feel needed. Despite being a muggle-born, he never made me feel out of place in this world. God, I miss him. At the very least, I miss the memory of him. It was a sad thing to think about.
“Oi Evans!”
I snapped out of the twist of thoughts I had managed to find myself in by the loud shouting of Marlene McKinnon. I turned toward her voice and saw the entire group of us girls: Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadowes, Alice Fortesque, Pandora Lovegood, and Sadie Oswald. Including myself, the breakdown was five Gryffindors, one Ravenclaw, three purebloods, one half-blood, and two muggle-borns.
Marlene: Resident trouble-maker, Gryffindor legacy, pureblood, combat expert, and bass guitar rockstar.
Dorcas: Resident diva, proud Gryffindor, half-blood, fastest flyer, and always in the know.
Alice: Resident sunshine, first Gryffindor in a line of Hufflepuffs, pureblood, divination expert, and couldn’t hurt a fly.
Pandora: Resident genius, genius Ravenclaw, pureblood, magical creatures enthusiast, and perpetually on cloud nine.
Sadie: Resident therapist, first Gryffindor and wizard ever, muggle-born, transfiguration genius, and my only real connection between the muggle world and the wizarding one.
That just leaves me.
Lily: Resident freak, apparently a Gryffindor, muggle-born, potions nerd, and is just here.
Every group has to have a wallflower, might as well be me.
Marlene sprinted up to me and lifted me off the ground in the tightest bear hug she could manage. I believe she could have shattered my ribcage if she wanted to. Once she finally set me on the ground, all of the other girls joined in the hug, enveloping me in their warmth. The hugs upon reuniting were always my favorite. The warmth and tightness of their grasp eased my worries and anxieties. After a few seconds, they released me from the hug.
Their voices started to overlap in their excitement.
Marlene shouted “Evans, it has been too long! What on Earth have you been up to?”
“Are you ready for a new year little miss Prefect?” asked Alice
“We have to throw a party to celebrate the new year” injected Dorcas
“Have you heard about the bowtruckles?” Pandora asked out of the blue.
This caused all of us to pause for a moment and laugh. It was good to be with the girls again, even if I wasn’t as close to them as I was with Snape.
Sadie pulled me into an individual hug and whispered to me “I am glad that you are here Lily. How are you feeling?”
I smiled at her kindness.
“Glad to be with people and distracted. It makes it easier.”
Sadie nodded and gestured me towards the train. I followed close behind her and eventually, all the girls ended up following suit. We all shuffled through the train’s aisles until we found an available compartment. We all crammed ourselves in there, with me being pushed up against the window so we could all fit in the carriage. I didn’t mind the tight fit. The surroundings of people were comforting in an odd way. I hated the crowds and parties filled with crazy drunkards, but being in this kind of confinement with my friends felt like a nice hug. Helped keep me grounded.
The girls all started to talk amongst themselves about the fast-approaching year, all the things they wanted to do, people they wanted to talk to again, excursions we should go on, everything they had done that summer, and just everything that came to their heads. I chimed in occasionally but was content with listening in. I was happy to feel some sense of normalcy and companionship, even if I was just a part of their journey. I have accepted that I might not be someone's first choice or anyone’s person, but at least I wasn’t pushed away.
About 4 hrs into the train ride, I needed to stretch. I shimmied my way out of the compartments and started to pace the aisle. I stopped for snacks at the trolley and was going to be making my merry way back to my compartment until I heard my name called by an all too familiar voice that filled me with dread and panic.
Severus Snape
I turned to see him lurking behind me. I remember a time when I wouldn’t have described it as lurking. It is how I would describe him now.
He spoke up first
“Why haven’t you written me, Lily?
I took a deep breath to try and maintain my composure.
“I made it very clear that I was not going to.”
“It was a mistake, Lily. I deserve a second chance. You know that I am not like that.”
“You lost that chance. You were my closest friend and then you called me one of the most vile slurs that exist in the wizarding community. I have been called it plenty of times in my stay at Hogwarts but, it hurts even more coming from you. Don’t talk to me.”
After I had said my piece, I started to walk away, desperate to get out of this situation. As I tried to walk away, he grabbed my wrist and yanked me back towards him.
“Don’t try and walk away from me Lily, you owe it to me,” he said with a ferocity that I had not heard from him before
I had started to feel the panic rise in my chest as he gripped my wrist tighter. I was mentally starting to spiral. As the panic started to settle in, I felt my neck squeeze and grow tighter. This wasn’t like my normal panic attacks. It never actually inhibited my ability to breathe. This was magic. Snape was choking me. I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but it didn’t matter. The air became inaccessible, my vision started to feel blurry. As I felt myself start to pass out, I gasped a singular word.
“Help”
Then my vision started to fade to black. This did not last long. As I felt my eyesight fade, I heard a large ruckus and Snape was yanked away from me. The moment he let go of my wrist, I could breathe again. I was gasping for air and fell to my knees. The moment I could start to breathe again and see properly, I looked up to see what had happened. I didn’t realize that I could be unhappy with my rescuing until I saw who it was. It was Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and the worst of the bunch, James Potter. The Marauders they liked to call themselves. I might hate Snape now, but I have always hated Potter and Black. Pettigrew and Lupin didn’t seem to be that bad but they were gladly friends with the other two, meaning that they didn’t escape my disdain. They felt they were brave and the main characters of everyone's story. All they were were bullies. Even though I no longer liked Snape, it did not give them the right to make him miserable and humiliated.
The sight that lay before me was fairly familiar, even if the context was different. Black held Snape against him, with one arm around his neck, preventing his escape, and the other arm holding the wand to his skull. Pettigrew and Lupin stood on either side of Potter, with Lupin being closest to me and Pettigrew closest to the compartment door. Potter was directly in front of Snape, wand directly in his face. Black and Potter had snide smirks on their face as if they had been waiting for the opportunity to destroy him. Pettigrew looked hesitant as if he wasn’t quite committed to what might happen. Lupin was stern but kept looking over at me. The first voice I heard was Blacks.
“About time we get to rough you up Snivellus. Thought you were going to get away with it, didn’t ya?”
Snape went to speak up, but Black tightened up his grip, and Potter put his wand up to Adam's apple. Potter finally spoke up.
“You have lost your speaking privileges, Snape, you don’t get to escape this this time.”
“Stop!” I weakly yelled.
They all immediately turned to look at me. I slowly went to stand up, my knees fighting to not buckle as they lifted me. As I started to stand up, Lupin rushed over to my side to offer stability. I refused to prove a point. Once I was standing up, I took a deep breath and spoke my piece.
“You will let him go. I don’t give a flying fuck what he did; it does not give you the right to torture him. You will take it too far, and you know it. Let him go and stop trying to help.”
Lupin and Pettigrew glanced at Potter, waiting for him to make the call. I could tell that he was contemplating this seriously.
After a few seconds of silence, Black started to speak up, “You aren’t seriously thinking to…”
“Let him go, Sirius. Just deal with it.”
Black groaned in frustration before shoving Snape into the next empty compartment. Once Snape was gone, Potter approached me.
“You alright, Evans?”
I quickly snapped back.
“You don’t get to ask me that. Don’t think that just because you swooped in, you and I are on good terms. You are just a….” I couldn’t finish the sentence as I got rapidly lightheaded. I got too excited, considering I couldn’t breathe moments before. My balance started to become a bit unstable, and I was quickly grabbed by Lupin before I fell again.
He turned to Potter and firmly said, “She needs to be taken to the nurse. There is one at the head of the train. I will take her there now. Someone should grab Sadie and have her come up there to sit with her.”
Pettigrew sprinted off to find Sadie, and Lupin carried me towards the front, with Potter and Black following closely behind. Once we made it up there, I was placed down on a cot. Potter and Black started describing what had happened while Lupin sat down next to me.
I spoke up, trying to be heard, “I am right here, I can say what happened.” Lupin seemed to be the only one who heard me. He looked at me with a melancholic face before reaching into his pocket and pulling out what appeared to be a bonbon from his pocket. He smiled slightly and then handed it to me.
“Chocolate will help. It helps me, at least.”
I was hesitant but saw the kindness, so I took the chocolate and ate it. As the rest of them kept talking, he started to converse with me.
“Snape will have points taken from his house and will more than likely be handled by Dumbledore.”
I remained silent. He kept talking.
“Whatever you are feeling right now is valid. That was a traumatic experience, and it is okay to be upset.”
I honestly felt kind of numb to the whole thing. I can acknowledge that it was bad, but it didn’t feel that bad. It felt like it could’ve been a lot worse and that I didn’t have it that bad. It was just another thing. Another person who was not on my side. Snape, my sister, the pureblood extremists, all of them. Unkindness from them was my reality. Even though Snapes was new, I quickly understood that it was my reality. People tend to leave or hate me, my fault or not.
I had apparently zoned out in that thought because I was snapped back to reality by Potter saying my name. I shook my head and mumbled, “Sorry”
He handed me a glass of water “You are out of it.”
I didn’t reply and drank the glass, hoping to feel slightly rejuvenated.
He kept talking, “I don’t understand why you wouldn’t let us handle him, Evans. He is going to get away with it without any real consequences.”
“Violence was not the answer,” I mutter faintly.
Black was starting to get frustrated “What is the answer then, Evans? Let him kill you? Lord knows what would have happened if we hadn’t gotten there. Your niceness is gullible and is going to get you killed.”
This was pissing me off. I stood up, Lupin being concerned and standing behind me in case I fell again.
“I would rather be nice than be a self-righteous prick who feels they are better than everyone else. You all act as if you are underdogs who are fighting your way to fame and glory when you are nothing but a bunch of privileged rich kids trying to pretend that is not your reality. You are cruel and unkind, and everything except your fake pity reflects that. You don’t get to criticize my niceness when your entire facade is a lie you use as an excuse.”
Black's face was flushed with anger. He went to snap back, but Potter put his hand up. Black groaned and rolled his eyes but remained silent. The carriage was filled with tension as we glared at each other. The tension was only interrupted once the door opened, revealing a Pettigrew and a Sadie behind it. Sadie immediately pushed through the boys and pulled me into a hug.
“Are you okay, Lily? I heard what happened, where are you hurt?” She frantically asked as she examined me like a distressed mother. It was sweet to see how much she cared. After she finished her examination, she turned to the boys.
“All of you out, I have got it from here. You are all crowding her.”
They all nodded and started to file out. Potter looked at me as he exited and softly said, “Get better, Evans.”
He then left back to his carriage. The carriage was almost empty, but Black lingered behind. Before he marched away, he looked me in the eye and spoke his piece.
“I don’t care what you think about me, but don’t you dare put the others on the same level as me. Pettigrew is a coward, but he is loyal, Lupin is the kindest soul I know, and Potter is the bravest idiot I have met. They are nicer and better than you will ever give them credit for.”
He then solemnly marched off, leaving Sadie and I alone in the carriage. I sighed and leaned back against the wall. Sadie looked at me and finally broke the silence.
“You have given Snape too much leeway. He doesn’t deserve it.”
I mumbled back, “He still doesn’t deserve to be humiliated and hurt.”
Sadie sighed and sat down next to me.
“I doubt I will be able to change your mind, so may you at least let me examine your neck more.”
I groaned but nodded, knowing she would insist on trying to fix something.
She pulled out her wand and lifted my head.
“Lumos”
I winced at the sudden bright light and kept my eyes shut as she looked at my neck. We were silent while she looked at my neck. We were silent together often, but the tension was still in the air. I was not fond of the tension that existed. I hated it when Sadie and I felt tense. She had the parental disappointment that created a sense of dread that everyone loathed.
After what felt like forever, she finally broke the silence.
“You give so much compassion to people who don’t deserve it, even when they are horrible to you. You need to care more about yourself, or else those people will destroy you. The boys were right on that front.”
I let out an exaggerated groan.
“How dare you say the boys are right on anything?”
She chuckled, making me feel so much better about the whole thing.
“They can be right sometimes. I feel if you gave them the same compassion you gave to Snape, you might think they aren't so bad.”
“I thought we wouldn’t be delusional this year.”
We both started laughing because even though we weren’t going to agree, the tension at least felt alleviated. Once we stopped laughing, Sadie leaned against my shoulder.
“I think this is going to be a great year, Lily. I have a feeling.”
I hoped she was right.