Chapter 6
James locked the bathroom door, the click of the lock echoing in the small, dimly lit space. The room felt suffocating, heavy with silence and the constant hum of the thoughts swirling around in his head. He had locked himself in here for a reason. No one could see him like this no one could know the weight of it, the constant, crushing emptiness that seemed to follow him everywhere. It was easier to hide, easier to pretend.
He reached into his bag, fingers trembling as he pulled out the small box. He didn’t need to think twice. He had been here before, too many times, trying to push back the numbness that threatened to consume him. The familiar routine unseen by anyone, buried deep in the privacy of the bathroom. It was his escape. His only escape.
But tonight, the door creaked. It was barely a sound, but it was enough. Someone was outside. He froze, his heart pounding as he quickly shoved the box back into his bag, trying to compose himself, but the anxiety washed over him in waves.
The handle turned, the door creaking slightly as it cracked open. James’s stomach dropped. He hadn’t heard anyone approach.
"James?" Remus's voice came from the doorway, low and cautious.
James’s pulse quickened. He hadn’t locked the door properly. He hadn’t checked. Remus was standing there, his face a mix of confusion and concern.
“What are you—” Remus started, his gaze quickly scanning the bathroom. But when his eyes fell on James, there was no mistaking the tension in the air. James’s breath hitched, his hands shaking slightly, trying to act natural even though his chest was tight.
“I—I didn’t lock it,” James stammered, forcing a casual laugh, his voice too high-pitched, too strained. "Nothing’s going on. Just, uh—just needed a minute alone."
But Remus wasn’t fooled. His eyes didn’t leave James, his expression hardening with concern. “James, what’s really going on?” Remus asked softly, stepping into the bathroom. “you've been off lately.”
James felt the walls closing in, the lump in his throat growing. He couldn’t explain it—not now, not like this. He tried to smile, but it felt wrong. “Seriously, Remus. I’m fine. It’s nothing,” he said, his voice devoid of any warmth.
But Remus wasn’t buying it. “You don’t need to lie to me,” he said gently, his voice calm but firm. “I know something’s wrong. What are you hiding?”
James took a step back, his hands automatically going to his sides, to keep them occupied, to hide them from view. But in doing so, he knocked the small box from the counter. It clattered against the tile floor with a sharp sound, a harsh reminder of what he’d been doing.
Remus’s eyes immediately darted to the box on the floor. His face fell. He stepped closer, his voice now harder, filled with worry. “James… What is this?”
James froze. His stomach dropped as he stared at Remus, a pang of panic gripping him. This was it. This was the moment. Remus had seen it.
“No, no, it’s not what you think,” James said quickly, trying to pick up the box, but his hands were shaking too much. He kept his back turned to Remus, trying to hide his face.
Remus stepped closer, his voice barely a whisper. “What are you doing, James?” he asked, his words quiet but filled with a heaviness that made James want to scream. "Are you cutting yourself?."
James’s heart was pounding in his ears. He wanted to push Remus away, to shut him out, but something in Remus’s eyes—something soft, something patient—held him there. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t hide it anymore.
“Leave it, Remus,” James snapped suddenly, his voice harsh and trembling. “Just leave it. It’s nothing. I’m fine.”
But Remus wouldn’t let it go. “No, you’re not, James. You’re not fine. You’re hurting yourself.”
The words hit him harder than James was prepared for. The pain, the rawness—it all came flooding back in that instant. His control was slipping, and he could feel it. He didn’t want to break in front of Remus, but it felt impossible to hold it together anymore.
“I said I’m fine!” James shouted, his voice cracking under the strain. In one swift, desperate motion, he shoved Remus’s arm away, the action far more forceful than he intended. He pushed past Remus, practically stumbling toward the door, desperate to get away before he completely lost control.
But Remus didn’t let him go without a word. “James…” Remus started, his voice soft, but before he could say more, James stormed out of the bathroom shoving Remus hard causing him to stumble almost failing with his cane.
James didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t care. He needed to get away, to lock himself back inside the shell he had spent so long building. He threw himself onto his bed, curling up under the covers, and buried his face in the pillow to block out everything. He didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to feel.
Remus was right. He wasn’t fine. But that didn’t matter. Because James didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t know how to let anyone in.
And so, he stayed silent, hiding once more in the darkness of the dorm room.