James - Part One
James isn’t sure how long he’s been awake. He knows it’s probably longer than it should be considering the sun hasn’t even come through the windows and it feels like it’s been hours, but he hasn’t moved. He hasn’t fallen back to sleep either. He feels Regulus pressed against his back, his arm thrown over his waist, and he doesn’t want to wake him. Plus waking Regulus will wake Kingsley whose soft breathing is on the other side of the bed so James really can’t move. He stares instead, not moving his eyes from the one spot on the baseboard. There’s nothing even interesting about it anyway, only a mark from when they first moved into this apartment and James accidentally scratched the paint off while trying to set up the bed frame. There’s no reason to focus on it, but it’s there and he can’t look at anything else, so it’s as good as anything else.
It’s not like it’s a hard urge to kill, moving, his limbs feel like lead and the thought of getting up weighs heavy on his chest. So it’s for the better anyway. He does wish he could sleep though. If only to skip till later, but is there even any time left to waste? That’s the whole thing, James can sleep and stay that way for the entire day. He doesn’t have to get out of bed for a week, but what else will that leave him with but less time? He doesn’t know. He can’t get up anyway. He can’t wake them up.
At least that’s what he tells himself until Regulus’ alarm blares, his phone lighting up on the bedside in the dark room. As soon as he hears it James ends up closing his eyes, surrounding himself with complete darkness and he’s not even sure why. He feels Regulus' arm moving above his head trying to shut it off, and him grumbling incoherently as he curls back into his shoulder. No one else could open up the shelter this morning, and as owner Regulus had to be the one to step up and actually go in. It used to be an everyday thing, the main reason he actually got employees was so he could sleep in, and also because James argued with him that it was too much work to do on his own. Regulus always says it’s about the sleeping part though.
Regulus doesn’t last long before he kisses the skin on James’ neck and stumbles out of bed. Kingsley takes almost no time to move forward into the place he left behind to put his arm around James. He’s warm and James manages to sink into him well enough and trick himself into thinking he’s half asleep until Regulus comes back into the room.
“Why did you let me pick this job?” He mumbles as he walks over to the closet. James normally gets up with him in his early days. Not to go to the shelter with him, he has other things he needs to do, but he likes to go on his morning runs early just to get it done. James doesn’t answer though, he keeps his eyes closed. “I could’ve stayed in business and gotten a boring at-home job, but no, it’s all about 'Regulus follow your dreams.' It’s all great until it’s barely five in the morning and I’m awake.” He sighs, and James can feel his eyes on him, “And apparently I’m talking to myself.”
“I’m listening,” Kingsley murmurs against James’ shoulder.
“Oh great,” Regulus scoffs, “Just let me ramble on without saying a word.”
Kingsley laughs softly, pulling away from James to face Regulus. “You get off early today at least.”
James can’t see him but he can tell Regulus is pulling a face. Kingsley laughs at him, “I’ll come have lunch with you.”
“Good,” Regulus says, “You’re picking it up.” It seems like a demand and Regulus certainly wants it to sound like that but he’s soft around the edges.
“Sure,” Kingsley tells him, “Now come here.”
Regulus comes around to James’ side of the bed so Kingsley has to lean over him to kiss him goodbye. James should say something, he should yank on Regulus’ leg until he gives him one too but he doesn’t. It’s almost like he’s outside of his body and he has no control over what it does anymore. He keeps his eyes closed and doesn’t move a single inch, focusing way too hard to make his breathing feel natural he feels like it has to be obvious that he’s not asleep. Neither Kingsley nor Regulus say anything though. Instead, Regulus leans down to kiss James on the top of his head.
“I’ll see you later,” Regulus mumbles before the bedroom door opens and closes.
Kingsley falls back into the sheets, pulling James into his chest and away from the edge. He’s falling back to sleep before long, his breath evening out against James’ skin. James still doesn’t sleep though. His eyes open back up to look at the chipped paint
He remembers the day they moved in here. It was only Regulus and him at that point. They were fresh out of college and moving in together for the first time. It felt like a big thing as if they hadn’t been spending every night together anyway during Regulus’ last year. James remembers thinking they wouldn’t be here that long. They would get a house eventually, one with a big backyard. He’d pick up gardening his dad has all those tools in his back shed that he always said were James’ to take when he got older. They’d have a big kitchen with a lot of windows, and it would be close enough to Regulus’ shelter so he wouldn’t have to have a big commute. They could get a dog and a few cats, they always talked about it especially after Regulus opened up the rescue and he had some coming in every single week.
When he made that scratch on the baseboard they had plans. Then, well, the rescue took years to set up properly, and James stopped taking as many gigs to help out with it. He instead focused on taking photos of all the animals instead of people. Which of course, he still enjoyed, and he loved being with Regulus but they had goals. They had plans.
He hates to say they’re wasting time because he doesn’t believe that, not really. Yes, they took a little while to get on their feet. Then James met Kingsley at some function, they worked under the same umbrella company. They got closer and one day James couldn’t make it to an adoption event and Regulus needed a photographer so Kingsley filled in for him. That was a nice delay, one James would take over and over again, so no they’re not wasting time. They’re taking as much time as they want, and it’s not really about the destination it’s about the journey or whatever bullshit they try to sell to you. James knows this, but he really wanted to be able to buy Regulus that house before they got to this point. Plans are meant to be changed, they’re always evolving but he wanted more.
He’s hardly even doing anything these days anyway. He doesn’t take as many jobs as he can because he gets exhausted and out of energy after only doing one and has to take the rest of the day to rest. He hasn’t even really gained any new clients recently. Which would be fine, it is fine, and it shouldn’t matter as much as it does but he just feels like he’s remaining stagnant. He’s not going anywhere. Regulus is always growing, and he’s even thinking about opening up another location so they can bring more animals in. Kingsley’s company is skyrocketing and he even hired two other people to help with it. James is doing nothing, he’s failing everything, and they’re still in this apartment that is much too small for them and they can’t go anywhere. They can’t grow. He feels like he’s being chained up. His arms are tied back in a straight jacket and he can’t breathe anymore.
He should get out of bed. He should go and fucking do something. He should try to search for new clients or hell switch career paths entirely, maybe go into the family business. He can have a company car and an office way too big for him without any effort put into it. He could be at the top of the ladder already and he doesn’t have to be stuck here accomplishing nothing. He doesn’t though. He stays in bed instead. Even after Kingsley’s alarm goes off and he gets out of bed he still pretendss to be asleep. Or when Kingsley kisses his cheek and says he’ll see him later, James still doesn’t get up.
He only sighs heavily as soon as Kingsley closes the bedroom door and opens his eyes again to see that fucking spot on the baseboard that is only a mark of the passage of time. When he was young he had ambition, and every person he’d ever met had faith that he would do something great. He had everything he had every single opportunity and he’s still in this too-small apartment with a career that leaves him flailing. He’s failing. He’s failing everything and he doesn’t know how to stop the constant downward slope he’s being forced down.
He should be better than this. He was supposed to be better than this. When he graduated he had a goal he had direction and for years afterward, he hasn’t done anything with it. He’s not even sure where his plan is now. He can’t stop the passage of time so he might as well do something with it. Sitting here paralyzed by the thought of him not getting any younger isn’t doing anything. He knows this. He tells himself this over and over and over again.
But it’s not like it matters.
He’s still not getting out of bed and doing something about it.
Regulus - Part Two
Regulus had a call-out. Of course, he has a call-out on the day someone found a box of five kittens abandoned on the side of the road and only calls him ten minutes before bringing them in. Not that he blames them, and he’s very thankful that they did bring them in instead of just leaving them there, but he’s stressed and he only has one person with him here today, and he barely got any sleep because he got home late and he really really doesn’t want to deal with any of this today. Plus on top of it all, they already got three new puppies this week and he needs to work with getting them on the website. He knows they’ll be gone most likely right away, but he hasn’t had time to update anything, and he still needs photos to be taken for them.
He’s in the office trying to get all the paperwork for the new kittens done so he doesn’t have to deal with it later. No one knows it as well as him so it can’t wait until later, and he’d really rather not do it tomorrow. Frank is busy with the new kittens and they have no one at the front but Regulus just hopes one of them will be able to hear it
“You seem stressed.”
Regulus looks up, “You’re not James.”
Kingsley tilts his head, “I said I was coming for lunch.”
Regulus sighs, “I know that,” he says, “But James said he was coming in the morning to take photos for me,” he leans over to check the time on his phone. It’s already one, and it’s not like James to be late for things. Regulus is honestly surprised he didn’t get up with him early this morning. He just thought he wanted to sleep for a little bit longer, it’s not like he can blame him. Regulus would too.
Kingsley drops the take-out bag on the desk, “He was still sleeping when I left at eight.”
Eight is still early, and it’s not like James hasn’t slept in late before, but it’s one and he has to be awake at this point. Regulus left a note in the kitchen to remind him about coming over, but there’s a chance he didn’t see it. There’s still an ache in his chest though. It’s almost like he already knows.
“I’ll call him,” Regulus says as Kingsley pulls up a chair.
“I can take the photos for you if you want,” Kingsley tells him, “I’m free the rest of today I only had one family this morning.” After Regulus doesn’t respond he gets silent too before adding, “Unless you think something’s wrong.”
“I don’t know,” Regulus bites the inside of his cheek. “It could be nothing.”
He tries to make himself believe that until he calls and there’s no answer. Then he calls again. And again.
Kingsley stills too, meeting Regulus' eyes, “Do you think he’s still sleeping?”
“No, he can’t be,” Regulus shakes his head, putting his finger over the call button again. “He wouldn’t still be sleeping this late unless something was wrong.” Deep down he knows what it is, Kingsley knows too, it doesn’t stop him from saying, “You don’t think he’s coming down with something right?”
Kingsley shakes his head, “I don’t think he’s sick.”
“Yeah, me either,” Regulus puts his phone back down.
He can’t leave, not yet anyway, he has to at least wait until Alice comes in later today to help with Frank. Having two people here is already too few. It would be unfair to just leave Frank alone. Unless he shuts down, but even then it’s too much work for one person. Maybe when all this started Regulus could do it on his own but it’s too much now.
It’s been worse lately, with James, really Regulus should’ve guessed this was happening. He could’ve done something, but he always thinks he has more time and he doesn’t. James keeps going at a hundred percent until he crumbles all in one day but there are still signs. Regulus should’ve seen the signs. He’s normally up talking to him in the morning on his early days. Even when he’s exhausted and doesn’t get up with him he still grumbles something in his sleep even if it’s incoherent.
“I’ll go check on him,” Kingsley stands immediately, showing no signs of hesitation.
Regulus wants to say it’s probably nothing. He wants to be able to comfort himself into thinking James just lost track of time. He tends to just leave his phone in random places when he’s home and he doesn’t realize he hasn’t checked it in hours. It stresses Regulus out beyond anything, but normally it’s fine and he goes home and yells for him to keep it on him; and James just laughs at him and apologizes even if it sounds more so like he’s teasing him. Normally that’s fine, but with everything else, Regulus doesn’t think he can trick himself into thinking everything is just fine right now.
“Okay,” he says, not being able to find any other words.
Kingsley comes around to his side of the desk first, taking his face in his hands and making him look up at him, “He’s going to be okay.”
“I should’ve known something was wrong this morning,” Regulus mumbles.
“That’s not your fault,” Kingsley tells him.
“But I could tell something was up,” Regulus whines. “Even when he’s exhausted he still-“
“I know,” Kingsley cuts off his rambling before it can get that bad, “I didn’t see it either. I should’ve known something was wrong when he didn’t wake up to my alarm either.”
When Regulus gets up before both of them James is normally the next one up right after him, but sometimes he waits until Kingsley gets up too. They get up together. James hardly ever stays in bed even if it’s still early. He’s said many times he doesn’t like lying there alone. Regulus still doesn’t blame Kingsley though. He never wakes up with that much time before he needs to leave the house, he was probably just running late and didn’t think of it. Regulus should’ve called James sooner. He should’ve looked at the time and seen that the morning was going by faster than he thought it was.
“Hey,” Kingsley calls Regulus to him again. “I’m gonna go check on him, and I’ll call you as soon as I see him.”
“You’ll stay with him?” Regulus questions, even though he already knows the answer.
“Of course,” Kingsley says, “All day.”
Regulus nods, “I’ll be home as soon as I can.”
Kingsley leans down bringing their lips together, he’s soft and his hands are warm against his cheeks. Regulus takes a breath and feels it enter his lungs for the first time all day. It doesn’t last long, and that’s okay, Kingsley has something more important to do. “I’ll call you,” Kingsley mumbles against his lips before kissing him quickly again.
Regulus watches as he leaves the room, as soon as he’s gone his eyes drag down to his phone. It remains black and doesn’t light up to any call from James. He knows Kingsley will have him now. The apartment is only fifteen minutes away it won’t take him very long to get there, but there’s still this feeling in his chest that he can’t move passed. He thinks it’ll stay like that until Kingsley calls him and tells him everything is alright.
He doesn’t get any work done until his phone lights up again.
Kingsley - Part Three
It should take Kingsley fifteen minutes to get home but he does it in ten. He shouldn’t have left this morning at all. He should’ve noticed something was wrong but he already running late and it was too late to cancel with his client. He just thought James was a little extra tired today. They did keep each other up late last night, and it would make sense if James didn’t want to get up at eight am. He should’ve known better than that. As soon as he’s inside he’s met with silence. It’s not an overwhelming kind, but it’s noticeable. He knows something is wrong. He dumps his keys in the bowl by the front and he doesn’t bother to call out James’ name, he knows where he’ll find him.
James is exactly where he left him, the blankets curled up to his shoulders, and his eyes are closed, but Kingsley knows better this time around and can tell he’s awake. He toes off his shoes before climbing into bed, in the middle, close enough to James but without touching him. This isn’t the first time they’ve gone through this. It isn’t the first time it’s happened. Most of the time Regulus is here too, they catch it early enough that they don’t get out of bed, or at least not leave the house. They try to get James at least to go down to the couch if they can. Either way, Kingsley’s done this alone too. He knows it’s better to give James the option of coming over to him as opposed to forcing him to. Not that James has ever denied it. As much as he pretends that everything is okay and he doesn’t need it, he always falls into Kingsley’s chest when he offers it.
“James,” Kingsley calls out softly, when no response comes he says, “I know you’re awake.”
It takes him a minute but eventually, James opens his eyes with a sigh, he doesn’t look over at him, but this is enough for now.
After long enough has passed Kingsley opens up his arms and says, “Come here.”
James tenses his jaw as if he’s trying to stop himself, but he ends up rolling over and shoving his face in Kingsley’s stomach anyway. He closes his eyes again, but burrows his head deeper, even if there’s nowhere to go. Kingsley brings his hand to move through his hair, trying to calm the mess it’s become, not that he gets very far in it.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Kingsley asks.
James shakes his head slowly.
“Alright,” Kingsley says, before moving slightly to grab his phone from his back pocket. James whines, tightening his grip. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promises, “I just need to call Reg.”
James looks up at him, it takes him a moment before he clears his throat, “Does he…” his voice gives out before he can finish.
Kingsley nods, “He thought you were coming in today,” he says, “He’s just worried about you.”
James’ face drops, “Oh,” he says, “I forgot I wasn’t thinking I need to-“ he starts getting up before Kingsley grabs him and sets him back on top of him again.
He would regret telling him, but it would be worse if they hid it from him. He’d remember at some point or another and the guilt would eat him alive. He probably wouldn’t even say anything, it’s better to tell him and be able to comfort him than leave him with it alone.
“Reg’s not mad at you,” Kingsley promises. “It’s okay that you couldn’t go, I’ll take the pictures tomorrow.”
“No, it’s okay I can do it,” James says quickly. “I can do it. Let me do it.”
Kingsley moves his hand to James’ cheek, caressing his thumb against him, “You can,” he says slowly, “If you want to.”
James nods, “I can. I want to.”
Kingsley takes a second, his gaze flickering between James’ eyes, “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” James replies, but his voice cracks right down the middle. He sighs, dropping his head against Kingsley’s chest with a sigh, “It’s nothing.”
“James,” Kingsley calls out. “I can’t read your mind but I know something’s wrong, tell me.”
James stiffens but shakes his head, “It’s…” he sighs, “Nothing.”
Kingsley puts down his phone, to grab James’ face again to force him to look up at him. “You know I’m not buying that.”
James’ face deflates, and he knows he’s not winning this fight, or maybe he’s too exhausted to fight anymore. Either way, he says, “I’m a failure.” He says, and it’s like the damn breaks, and the band snaps. “I just-I was supposed to be more than this. Do more than this, but time keeps passing me by and I’m not doing anything. Everything I do I fail at doing. I’m getting older and I have nothing to show for it. I barely work anymore, I have clients but I don’t have something every single day and I’m too exhausted to do something every single day. I can’t even remember to go out and take pictures for Reg because I’m stuck in bed and I can’t even move.” He takes a gulp of air, like a drowned man rising from the sea. “I’m just stuck and I never do anything or accomplish anything. I’m going around and around and I’m not getting anywhere! I used to have so much in me but I’m running out of it and I’m just failing. I’m failing everything and I can’t handle it. I’m not supposed to be like this. I’m not supposed to be here, and I know I’m wasting time right now. I’ve been stuck in bed not able to move pretending to be asleep just so you wouldn’t notice and for what? I just wasted time, I’m wasting everything!”
When James takes a breath, Kingsley fills in for him, “You are not a failure.”
“I am,” James laughs wetly, “What have I accomplished in the last few years? Nothing! I’m in the same spot I’ve always been. Regulus has the rescue, and you have your company and I have nothing.”
“James-“
“And I know I shouldn’t compare us,” James says, “I know that’s what you’re going to say but I can’t help it.”
James looks so young here, that’s Kingsley’s only thought as he looks down at him. He looks so young with his eyes wide and ridden with fear. “I wasn’t going to say that,” Kingsley says softly, “You’re doing everything you can.”
“And it’s not enough, that’s the worst part,” James argues. “I’m doing everything I can and I’m failing. I can’t even make it better. I can’t do anything better.”
“That’s not true,” Kingsley tells him softly. “You’re human. You’re allowed to have setbacks and limitations it happens. You don’t have to kill yourself over getting.”
It’s then when the tears fall from James’ shining eyes, they fall in big clumps running down to Kingsley’s shirt. He opens his mouth to say something, but all that comes out is a whine.
“James, I love you,” Kingsley tells him. “Regulus loves you. We love you exactly how you are, we’re not asking you to change.”
“I don’t like who I am,” James confesses quickly, as if he says it fast enough it won’t be heard. “I think I used to but I don’t even know now. I don’t want to be stuck anymore.”
“We’ll get you unstuck then,” Kingsley says.
James rolls his eyes, “You make it sound like it’s easy.”
“You’ve got me and Reg to help you,” Kingsley reassures him, “It won’t be easy, but we’ll be with you every step of the way. How can we make it better?”
James sighs, exhausted and clearly not having enough energy to fight anymore. He drops his head back down, “I don’t think there is a better.”
“We’ll get there,” Kingsley tells him.
Before either of them can say anything Kingsley’s phone practically buzzes off the bed as it lights up. Regulus.
Kingsley answers it quickly, “He’s okay.”
“Give me a fucking heart attack!” Regulus exclaims but Kingsley knows it’s out of worry and little else. He can hear the fractures in his voice, and the way he has to force the words out. “It’s been like an hour you said you would call as soon as you got back home.”
Before Kingsley can say anything, James tilts his head up, “Can I talk to him?”
“One second, Reg,” Kingsley says, before handing the phone over.
James takes it, gently putting it against his ear, “Reg, I’m okay.”
Kingsley can’t hear what Regulus is saying but he knows he’s probably asking a million questions out of worry. Especially by James knowing look as he gives hums as responses. As soon as Regulus is home he’ll be doing everything and anything to make him feel better, Kingsley’s sure of it. Regulus tries to act like he has this tough exterior but he’s a kitten when it comes to James.
“I’m okay,” James repeats, after a silence, he swallows thickly and says, “I’ll tell you when you get home.” Kingsley knows James doesn’t want to, but he also knows after telling Kingsley about it it’ll be better just to tell Regulus too. Not that Kingsley would ever tell Regulus himself, that’s all up to James. “I love you too.”
Without another word, James passes the phone back and as soon as Kingsley brings it to his ear, Regulus tells him, “Take care of him.”
“Always,” Kingsley says, dragging his hands through his hair.
“I’ll bring food home,” Regulus says, “I assume he hasn’t eaten. I’ll try to get out of here in an hour maybe two. I asked Alice to come in early but I’m not sure if she’ll actually do it or not.”
“We’ll be here,” Kingsley tells him.
Regulus sighs, but Kingsley knows it soothes him to hear it. “I love you, and tell James I love him again too, I’ll see you both soon.”
“I love you too,” Kingsley smiles softly, before hanging up the phone. “He says he loves you.”
James shakes his head, but Kingsley can see a little smile poking through even if his head is turned away. He knows it’s almost nothing, but small victories are still victories, and getting James to smile even if it’s only a little bit is still something.
“I’m guessing you’re all talked out?” Kingsley asks.
James wastes no time before nodding.
Kingsley doesn’t expect any different. He’s surprised James told him that much, he’s never been good at sharing what he’s feeling until it’s coming out of him in waves and he has nowhere else to store it. Kingsley hates that they’re at this point now, he hates thinking about how long James kept this in his chest before he couldn’t anymore. He tries not to dwell on it, at least not until Regulus is home and picks up the remote from the bedside table.
“Spiderman?” He suggests.
He feels James bite back another smile, “Yeah.”
Kingsley leans down kissing the top of James head, “Whatever you want.”
Regulus will come home soon and he’ll bring the takeout into bed. Normally he’d sit right smack dab in the middle and refuse to move, but he’ll probably give it to James today instead, letting him rest between the two of them. Perfectly wrapped up with them on either side. Regulus will complain about the movie choice but also let James watch whatever he wants, he’s very weak when it comes to them, not that he’d ever admit that.
They’ll stay here until late, and maybe get James in the bath at some point if he’s feeling up to it. They’ll ignore everything that’s wrong for tonight, for James’ sake, giving him time to rest but this time tomorrow they’ll talk it over. They’ll talk about it over as many days and however long it takes for James to feel comfortable again. Kingsley knows it won’t fix everything, he knows that’ll take time even if James hates that it will. Time doesn’t heal everything though, and that’s where Kingsley and Regulus will come in.
They won’t let James sink anymore.