Things left unsaid

Layla was leaving the three broomsticks deep in thought and wonder, when it happened: Remus Lupin. Lupin, whom she’s been trying to get in contact with for a year after she heard of what happened to Lily and James… Was right in front of her, walking briskly, and looking exhausted. Her heart leapt as she ran towards him, scared he might disappear as randomly as he appeared.

“Lupin! Please wait, it’s me!”. Layla shouted while trying to catch up to him, but Lupin did not seem to have heard her. So as soon as he was at arms length, she grabbed him and spun him to face her. “Who the hell-“ said Lupin looking annoyed when he was stopped, but didn’t continue whatever he had to say. He looked bewildered as realization hit him. With tears flooding her eyes, Layla said “It has been a while, hasn’t it, Lupin?”. Lupin looked at her silently, observing everything about her, and then smiled softly. “Come here”, he spread his arms wide for a hug and Layla fell into it immediately. It was a hug much needed for both of them.

They both sat down on a bench in the kind of empty forest, before they could say another word. “I’ve been trying to reach out to you for an entire year but I couldn’t”, said Layla awkwardly to put an end to the silence. “Well, I’ve been trying to reach you ever since you’ve left, but I guess we both failed?“. At that, Layla flushed out of embarrassment and guilt. “My fault, don’t really have an excuse for that. But let’s focus on the more urgent matters.. How have you been doing, friend?“. At that, Lupin looked like he aged 100 years. “Hard, difficult. That’s how I’d describe living right now, despite it being the thing I want to seize doing”. Layla looked at him, willing him to talk.

“It’s just, just, it’s too much, and I am left all alone to swallow it all. James and Lily being killed by him.. Layla they were just 21! With little Harry just turning 1 too. They’ve been robbed of being his parents, raising him with all the love in this world, and just being there for him. Harry too, he doesn’t deserve to be an orphan.. he could’ve had the best parents he could ever ask for, but they were gone just like that! Overnight, no goodbyes bid. Worst of all, Sirius being the one that revealed their home to him.. I just cannot believe and accept it! But then, he went ahead and killed many people, including wormtail! Leaving only his finger behind..”, Lupin’s voice cracked, “I lost all the people that I’ve considered more than family overnight Layla, you can hardly think I feel like living anymore. It feels like I’m just floating by these days, with no destination in mind. Especially for a person like me.” He looked at Layla with a grief stricken face while he talked.

“I don’t even know if you get it, what am I even supposed to do now? What am I living for, there is nothing for me to fight or stay for. In fact, with all the people that accepted me unconditionally for what I am, gone, I might as well just go ahead and join them.” At that, Layla turned sharply at him, tears have been pouring down her face as Lupin was talking. Layla didn’t act roughly with Lupin when they were students as he was a kind person, despite that, she grabbed him by the collar and eyed him with disapproval. “DON’T EVER UTTER THESE WORDS EVER AGAIN REMUS LUPIN!!”, she shouted at him, which did startle him a little. She backed away from him now and continued, but much more calmly. “It is totally fair for you to feel the way you do after all that’s happened. I was nowhere near as close to James as you but it grieved me very deeply, so I just can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now.”, Layla sighed.

“However, you just can’t say that! James, Peter, and Lily would tear you apart if they ever heard you talking that way. Plus it’s not like you have no family left, isn’t poor little Harry still alive? Can you imagine him having none of his father’s friends left to tell him accurately what kind of man he was? Tell him all sorts of stories of your adventures and trouble making?” Layla smiled pointedly at Lupin while sniffing, and he smirked. Although the deep sadness in his eyes wasn’t gone. Layla coughed even though she didn’t need to, and said “Ahem, you can always count and come to me as your friend, even though obviously I can never cover the spot your friends left. I also accept you as you are! I did freak out a bit at first.. but I did after all make Seve-, Snape! Teach me how to make the wolfbane potion and give it to you behind his back. I personally have always thought of you as a friend rather than a classmate, but if you didn’t do the same then I completely understand.”

“You are quite right,” chuckled Lupin. “I’m sorry about the way I worded the things I said, I do see you as a friend too. You did after all help me quite a lot, and you are quite the fun spirit yourself.” Lupin’s expression turned into a neutral one and said, “I’m not giving you any promises, but since what you said did touch me, and I do think little Harry must need me in the future. I must try to live on, at least just to watch him become a great man, and tell James and Lily all about it..”

Layla looked at him hopelessly, knowing she can’t just force the man into a different mindset just like that. So she held his hand comfortingly, “I’m always here Lupin, I’ll always be here for you, you are NOT alone”, she whispered it so quietly she thought he probably wouldn’t be able to hear it. But Lupin squeezed her hand in response, and Layla thought she saw tears running down his face. They sat there in silence, heads against each other. It felt like they could forget about every worry and just sit in comforting silence. Until the moon was high up in the sky, and Lupin insisted on her going back home, with the promise of keeping in touch.

Once layla popped up in her apartment, she had no energy for getting ready for bed. However, she forced herself nonetheless. She was feeling a weird feeling, she left the house full of excitement and giddiness. But she’s back with something unexplainable, she was shattered when she heard of what happened to James and Lily. Especially because he was a friend of some sorts, and her first crush ever. Time had obviously healed most of it, but seeing Lupin, whom she cared about a lot, being in so much pain and sorrow has definitely hurt her badly.

As she tucked herself in bed, she turned onto her side and saw it. The snitch that James gave her as a way to thank her for helping him get closer to Lily. At the time, and unbeknownst to James, receiving that snitch made her unimaginably happy and sad at the same time. Because it was at that moment that she decided to abandon her feelings for him, she had known of his infatuation with Lily from the start, but deep inside she had a hope that maybe he will eventually look her way. Ever since that moment she crushed that hope, and focused more on bringing the pair together.

Layla then turned the snitch around and looked at its broken wing, and thought about the boy that broke it. She will be meeting Snape once again very soon, and she has no idea what their new relationship is gonna be like. She’d like to be optimistic but she’s in no mood for that. So she just turns to the other side to sleep.

When Layla received the syllabus and books she’s teaching care of magical creatures with, it was as Dumbledore said, a week before September 1st. She’s been writing for Lupin for a while, and as he promised, he did reply. As they approached different topics in their letters, Layla asked Lupin how he dealt with transforming these days, and she found out that he hasn’t been taking wolfbane. So she insisted on making him batches of it every month, and has sent a few already. It won’t exactly stop him from transforming, but she hopes to alleviate his pain even by a little bit.

After going through the syllabus quickly, she decided to go out and buy some clothes. She decided a few dark suits and dresses would do the job. So she went to a tailor in Diagon alley and got what she wanted swiftly. Her next few stops were to refill her stocks of potion ingredients since she wasn’t planning on stopping potion making just because she’s teaching. This took a while longer in which she struggled to carry the amount of ingredients in her hands and had to buy a magical bag that seemed to have endless space inside it. Then finally, she went back home and packed all her stuff to be sent to Hogwarts. Layla stared at her empty apartment with a strange feeling, this was the first time ever she’s packed to leave this apartment. She had after all gotten it and left home the moment she turned 17, so it did feel weird leaving it for the first time and probably not returning. Layla heaved a sigh, cleaned up and ate dinner, then turned off the lights for her last slumber here.