James Potter was the sun. He was kind, loyal, smart, helpful, always happy. James was loved. He had tons of friends, an amazing family. He was spoiled. So why did he feel like this?
He doesn’t have the right to feel this way. He doesn’t have a reason. His friends do. His boyfriend does. He doesn’t. It isn’t fair to them. Not when they have suffered so much and him so little.
And so, he does the only thing he can do. He shoves his emotions so far down until he feels empty and tired.
Tired of being there for everyone, but never having anyone to himself.
Tired of pretending that everything is fine.
It’s his fault though. He didn't want his friends to know, he didn't want them to worry.
So pathetic.
His head is spinning again,
Worthless. Pathetic. Stupid. What’s the point in living if you can’t even function. Just jump, it would be better for everyone.
He was standing on the astronomy tower, and at first it was terrifying. The thought in his head. The one now stuck there, on repeat.
Just jump. He could. The edge is right there. Just right over this railing. Better for everyone. That’s no lie. All he does is fuck things up. He’s worthless. He can’t get anything right.
So pathetic.
He’s to much. To loud. He-
His thoughts are interrupted by the sound of someone walking up the stairs.
He reaches for his cloak but its to late. Severus Snape freezes as he reaches the top of the stairs and stares at James.
“What are you doing here Potter” he says in a spiteful tone, practically spitting out his name.
“I could ask you the same Snape.” Severus looks at him. “I don’t really care nor do I have the energy to so I won’t. Goodnight.”
Snape looks baffled. Makes sense, James was being uncharacteristically polite to him. Even slightly nodding as he grabs his things and walks past.
— 2 weeks later —
He’s in the dorm with Sirius, Remus, and Peter when it happens. His friends have never witnessed it. James had always been good at not allowing it to happen around them. But for some reason he can’t stop it. He doesn’t even realize what’s happening until it’s to late.
His ears are slightly ringing and he can’t feel his body.
“James?” he hears Sirius call out to him, but he doesn’t respond.
”James? Mate are you okay?” Sirius try’s again.
I’m fine. He isn’t though. As much as he won’t tell anyone, he can’t deny it to himself. He isn’t okay. He should be, but he isn’t.
Remus looks up from his book and at James, “Prongs?”
Shit, shit, shit. Why is this happening right now. Why didn’t he get that feeling before it happened so he could excuse himself?
I need Regulus.
“James you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?” He doesn’t even know who is talking anymore.
He doesn’t know anything anymore. Stupid. He hadn’t meant to scare anyone. The ringing in his ears grow.
He thinks he feels Sirius trying to shake him. He can’t do anything though. He’s worthless. Can never do anything right. Just one big fuck up.
Something is said, then he hears the door open and close.
Tears weld up in his eyes and he begs them not to fall.
I should’ve jumped.
He tries to think of reasons why that isn’t true but he can’t find any. Because it is true, isn’t it? He should’ve jumped. He should do something. He should make life easier for everyone. Would anyone even notice if he disappeared? Would anyone even care? Would it even matter?
The door opens, and then there’s a shift in the weight on the bed. A familiar hand touch’s his arm.
Regulus,
His thoughts begin to slow down as Regulus pulls James into his chest.
Hi.
Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus.
Slowly, James feels himself coming back to reality. As soon as he feels his arms, he wraps them around Regulus.
After what feels like forever, James sits up. The others are gone?
“They left when I came in,” Regulus says, reading his mind. “James?”
James turns to look at him. “Yes?”
”I love you. You know that, right?” It’s a question. Not rhetorical. A real question. But now that it’s said, James doesn’t know the answer. Reg has told him he loved him before. He shows that he loves James in every interaction they have. The answer should come naturally, but it doesn’t. And Regulus seems to catch onto that to.
”Oh baby-“ James proceeds to break into tears.
Violent sobs break from his mouth. His shoulders shaking, his chest heavy, his breathing extremely unsteady.
Regulus holds him through it, running is hand through James’ hair.
James sobs as Regulus holds him and whispers sweet nothings until he calms down, sobs turn into sniffles and breathing a little easier.
“Talk to me, Jamie. What’s going on?”
“Nothing is wrong I'm fine.” He doesn’t even really mean to say it. It just comes out. Suppose its habit by now. Regulus just raises an eyebrow.
“I just- I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“You have absolutely no reason to apologize, baby. How about this, what were you thinking about when you were gone just now?”
”I- that um,” he stops, uncertain about how to say it without sounding pathetic.
”It’s okay baby take your time. Don’t focus on how to word it, just say it.”
”I feel like-“ he takes a deep breath “-I feel like I’m not enough. Like I’m worthless. Stupid. Pathetic. Like everyone would be so much better off if I just disappeared or better yet just died. Like I deserve to feel this way. But I know I shouldn’t. And I’m so sorry I do. I mean, you have a reason to not be okay, Sirius has a reason, Remus has one, literally everyone but me has one. And I can’t tell anyone because I don’t want them to worry about me because I don’t think that ‘me’ matters at all. I don’t want to be a burden. And Reg, my head is so loud. I need it quieter. It hurts Reggie it hurts. I’m trying but no matter how much it’s never enough. Because I am worthless. I deserve to suffer alone. I’m scared, Reg. I want to die. But I don’t want to want. I’m sorry.”
”oh Jamie- look at me baby,” James looks up at his boyfriend, tears threatening to fall again. “You are enough. You are more than enough. You do NOT deserve to die, James. You deserve to live. You deserve everything the world has to offer and more. And baby listen to me, no one, and I mean NO ONE would be better without you. you, the world would turn cold. No more summer, only winter. Also, you don’t need a reason to feel sad. Feeling sad is what makes you human. And even if you did need a reason, baby you have one. You overwork and overwhelm yourself constantly trying to prove yourself to everyone. You always take care of everyone else and never yourself. If not for me constantly bugging you about it, you wouldn’t have eaten at all last week. Let us take care of you for once. Let me take care of you. I love you. Let me help shut the noises up, baby. I love you. Oh Jamie- how much I love you.”
He stares at Regulus. “Okay.” He says in a small voice.
”Okay?”
”Okay, take care of me. Please.”
Instead of replying with words, Regulus holds James tighter. James holds back equally as much.
He can be taken care of, right? He’s not to far gone if he? He’s fixable?
Regulus begins to message James scalp and play with his hair, shutting the noises up, just as he promised. And for a moment, he thinks that maybe, just maybe, there is hope for him somewhere.