- When James was being nosy
Marlene was lounging on her favourite armchair in the common room when James and Sirius threw the door open and rushed in like there was a fire in the hall. They were both laughing and Marlene glanced up from her muggle book. She didn’t read much but Little Women was different, okay? Sirius bounded upstairs to the boy’s dormitory, but James stayed down in the common room with Marlene. Apart from a few stressed-out looking 6th years and some nervous 1st years, they were alone. James was staring at her quite intensely and Marlene was not dealing with that today.
“What do you want, Potter?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re staring at me and I want to know why.”
James waited for a few beats to pass before answering.
“What’s the deal with you and Meadows?”
That was not the question Marlene was expecting. What did James mean? Of course there was no deal. Sure, she liked arguing with her. Dorcas looked very nice when she was yelling at Marlene but that doesn’t mean there was a deal with them, right? Did Marlene go out of her way just so she could see her? Yes, but that’s perfectly normal.
“Marls? You okay?”
“There is no deal. Why would you think that?”
“No reason. Just… curious.”
“Well don’t be. Nothing is happening between me and Dorcas.”
“She’s Dorcas now?”
“Meadows, damnit, Meadows!”
“Okay, calm down. I’m gonna go up to my dorm. You… don’t do anything stupid, okay?”
Then, Marlene was alone. Frustrated, she grabbed a pillow and threw it across the room, to the fear of the first years. She stormed upstairs to her dorm and threw herself onto the bed. Damn Dorcas Meadows.
- At the girls’ sleepover
Marlene had decided to make the choice that she would repress her feelings and act like nothing was wrong. Because that was very healthy. However, quite literally everyone wanted to talk about her and Meadows, not Dorcas, definitely not Dorcas. Including the girls. She shared a dorm with all of them so technically they were always at a sleepover, however Mary had told them about sleepovers during first year and it had sounded awesome so they decided that they would have a monthly ‘sleepover’. And, apparently, during this sleepover they had to talk about partners and who they had a crush on. Lily was talking about Pandora, a Ravenclaw girl who hung out with Meadows and her friends and Alice was talking about Narcissa, who was a pureblood witch in Slytherin.
“What about you, Marls?”
Marlene snapped her head up and all three other girls were staring at her expectantly.
“Um, I don’t have a crush on anyone.”
“Not even Dorcas?” Mary piped up.
“Nope. Why would I like her? She’s so annoying.”
“I mean, you do bring her up in almost every conversation,” Lily said. That was true but on when Dorcas irritated her, which was every day, and Marlene pointed that out.
The girls around her exchanged glances and didn’t look convinced.
“Marls,” Alice said softly, “You once said, ‘She’s so annoying with those brown eyes. Like who the fuck gave her permission to look so damn beautiful?”
“When did I say that?”
“When you were drunk at that party.”
Marlene must have been really drunk because that memory was fuzzy and seemed almost like a dream.
“Exactly, I was drunk. I don’t like Dorcas. Let’s just move on.”
“Okay!”
There were a few beats of awkward silence before Mary said something about the quidditch game coming up and then they were all talking over one another about which team was the best and who was going to win. A thought still lingered in Marlene’s mind though.
- When Dorcas’ friends cornered her
Marlene was just trying to get through the day when Barty, Evan, Regulus and Pandora chased her down after DADA and tried to get her to confess. That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but Marlene was exhausted.
“McKinnon!”
Internally, she told Barty to go fuck himself. Externally, she turned around and faced him, wishing on his death.
“Hello, Crouch, Rosier. How are you on this fine Tuesday morning?”
“Why are you so obsessed with Dorcas?”
Okay, we’re just hopping straight, haha, in.
“I’m not. Why would I be obsessed with her?”
“Because you constantly seek her out. Like, all the time. And when you do see her, you get all flustered. ‘I… um… you are… go… bye.’”
That was a terrible imitation of her but okay.
“I do not do that. Ever.”
“You literally did that yesterday before charms.”
“Are you stalking me, Crouch? Because that’s socially unacceptable to some people.”
Barty scoffed and attempted to roll his eyes, which was really funny.
“Of course I’m not. I’m just wondering why you seem to care about her so damn much.”
“I don’t care about Meadows! Why does everyone seem so hellbent on asking me that?” she cried out indignantly. ‘If someone else asks me about her, they’ll be getting a nail in the eye.”
Marlene waved her long nails around threateningly, as if daring someone to cross her. Barty and Evan exchanged a glance with each other, seemingly having an entire conversation without even talking. Pandora just continued to stare at her with that same, blank stare she always had.
"Fine. Whatever you say, McKinnon," Barty said with that irritating, 'I know something you don't' tone of voice he always has.
Just as they are almost out of sight, Marlene decides to yell after them, "Fuck you!"
Barty just responds with a laugh.
- When Dorcas asked her
There were many reasons Marlene didn't like potions. For one, she was sure Slughorn picked on her specifically. He always asked her for the questions she didn't know. Another thing, her potions seemed to have a tendency to blow up into her face, no matter how much she followed the recipe. But, the worst part, was that she was partnered up with Dorcas Meadows. And it was even worse now, because everyone seemed to think she liked her. Which she didn't. It didn't matter how many times she said it, no one believed her! Sure, she talks about the girl a lot, but that's just because Meadows annoys her so damn much.
So, when Dorcas (Meadows, god she really has to get that under control) came into class, Marlene was determined to beat the allegations and figure out a way to convince people she didn't like her. When she greeted her, she turned her head to the front to answer a question.
(Thankfully, she wasn't chosen, because she had no idea what the professor was on about)
When she asked her to get something for their potion, Marlene barely acknowledged her, just grabbing it and passing it to her silently before stirring the potion twice clockwise and one counter-clockwise.
When she asked her to borrow a quill, she just pulled a spare out of her bag and passed it to her without a word. It felt unusually quiet without their constant bickering and she found herself missing it (though she would never admit it).
Eventually, after an entire lesson of no talking, Dorcas finally snapped whilst they were walking out, dragging Marlene into a nearby open broom cupboard, slamming the door behind them.
"Did I do something?"
"What?"
"Did I do something? Is that why you're ignoring me?"
"Is it a crime for me to not want to talk?"
"You always have a snarky response locked and ready for when we talk! Why not today?"
"Maybe I'm just tired, did that ever click for you?"
"Even when you're tired, you talk back! Especially when you're tired! So, did I do something?"
"Wow, self-absorbed much?"
"It just always seems like you can't go through a day without arguing with me! I thought we were going somewhere with our relationship!"
That snaps Marlene back to reality, back to the broom cupboard. She was suddenly hyperaware of the space, or lack of, between them. They were barely even an inch away from each other and Marlene feels her heart beat a little faster.
"Wha- What?"
"Never mind," Dorcas mumbles more to herself than Marlene. "That was dumb. I'm gonna go. Don't- don't talk to me again."
And then, before she could react, the brown haired girl was gone, slamming her way out of the broom cupboard. Marlene was stuck, wondering what the hell just happened.
- When Marlene questioned herself
This was one of the rare times that Marlene had the dorms to herself, with Lily and Emmeline both studying and Mary at Qudditch practice. The only thing she could think about was what happened earlier with Dorcas. She could still smell her floral perfume, a muggle one from what she was saying to her friends, and still feel the warmth radiating from her. Dorcas was always warm, that was something Marlene had noticed. She would constantly complain about how warm she was in the dungeons, as if they weren't the coldest place in the entire school. It absolutely infuriated Marlene.
See, she didn't like Dorcas. She hated her! Sure, sometimes she liked having her close by during potions, but that's just because of her warmth. And, sure, maybe she did sometimes wait until she saw her to start her walk to lessons, but that's just because she liked to annoy her. Not because she liked her.
Marlene was 100% straight. Her relationship with Sirius didn't work out because... well because he was into Remus. Marlene had liked loads of guys. Loads. She couldn't think of any of the top of her head, but there was definitely some.
Marlene wasn't gay.
Her mother would kill her. So she couldn't be gay.
The fact that Dorcas' crushed expression hurt her so much was because... because...
Marlene rolled over on her bed, grabbing a pillow to scream into. She couldn't be gay. She was just confused. Confused.
Merlin, how many times had she heard her mother use that to refer to queer people? Was she becoming her mother? She hoped not.
She didn't understand. Didn't understand anything. And thinking about it would just hurt her head.
She shouldn't be gay. She couldn't be gay. She wouldn't be gay.