The Great Alliance The Fur, Feather and Frog
The day before I was to endure yet another tedious journey with The Chosen Human, I decided enough was enough. I’d spent far too much time lately tolerating her inattentiveness. Hermione, brilliant as she might be, had been far too focused on books, Cedric Diggory’s death, and Potter’s incessant drama to give me my rightful adoration.
If she would not appreciate me, I would build my empire elsewhere.
Part One: Pudding Diplomacy with the House-Elves
The kitchens were my first stop. The house-elves had always intrigued me—not for their work ethic, which was frankly excessive, but for their utter devotion to servitude. If properly directed, they could be a formidable asset.
I sauntered in, tail high, and was immediately greeted with squeaks of surprise. A tiny elf with bat-like ears dropped a platter of biscuits upon seeing me.
“Oh, sir cat! You is not supposed to be here!”
“Silence,” I said, hopping onto the nearest counter. “I come not as an intruder but as a liberator.”
The elves exchanged nervous glances. “Sir cat is here to… liberate house-elves?”
“Not you,” I said impatiently. “Liberate your talents. I have a vision—a grand alliance. With your skills and my leadership, we could rule Hogwarts. Or, at the very least, ensure the humans stop being so insufferable.”
One elf, bolder than the rest, stepped forward. “What does sir cat offer us in return?”
“Protection,” I said. “And the occasional favor. For instance, I could ensure that troublesome poltergeist leaves your pudding alone.”
The elves gasped in unison. “Peeves is always stealing puddings!”
“Exactly,” I said smoothly. “And who better to stop him than I?”
It was an easy sell. Within minutes, I had a dozen house-elves pledging their loyalty to me. They even offered me a bowl of cream and a slice of treacle tart as tribute.
“A wise choice,” I told them, licking my whiskers. “I will summon you when your services are required.”
Part Two: The Reluctant Toad
Next, I sought out Trevor, the slimy creature Longbottom insists on calling a pet. I found him sunning himself near the lake, looking every bit as unimportant as he is.
“Trevor,” I said, sitting down beside him.
He nearly leapt into the water. “Oh no,” he croaked. “Not you.”
“Yes, me,” I said, extending a paw toward him. “But don’t worry; I’m not here to eat you.”
“Could’ve fooled me,” he muttered.
I ignored the jab. “I’m forming an alliance, Trevor. You, with your inconspicuous nature, would make an excellent spy.”
Trevor gave me a skeptical look. “And why would I want to join your… whatever this is?”
“Because,” I said, lowering my voice conspiratorially, “I can offer you protection. Stick with me, and you’ll never have to worry about first-years poking you with sticks again.”
He considered this for a moment. “And what do you get out of it?”
“An ally who can go where I can’t,” I said simply.
After a long pause, he sighed. “Fine. But if you betray me, I’m jumping into the nearest cauldron and haunting you.”
“Deal.”
The Owlery Negotiation
My final stop was the Owlery. I’ve always admired owls for their efficiency, though their intelligence leaves much to be desired. Still, they’re excellent messengers and have an air of menace that I can respect.
As I entered, dozens of pairs of eyes turned to me. I leapt onto a high perch and surveyed them with a commanding gaze.
“Owls of Hogwarts,” I began. “I come to you with a proposition.”
A large barn owl ruffled its feathers. “And why would we listen to a cat?”
“Because I’m offering you what the humans never will: respect,” I said. “You deliver their messages, yet they treat you like mere mail carriers. Join me, and I’ll ensure you’re properly valued.”
A small screech owl hooted. “How?”
“Bacon,” I said simply. “I’ll steal it from the breakfast table.”
This caused a flurry of excited hoots.
“And,” I added, “if anyone dares to insult you, I’ll personally shred their robes.”
The barn owl regarded me for a moment, then dipped its head. “You’ve got yourself a deal, cat.”
The Fruits of My Labor
By the time I returned to the Gryffindor common room, I was feeling quite pleased with myself. The house-elves were on my side, Trevor was reluctantly loyal, and the owls had agreed to my terms. My empire was growing.
Naturally, Hermione ruined my good mood the moment I walked in.
“There you are!” she exclaimed, spotting me. “I was starting to worry. But I suppose you were just wandering around, weren’t you, silly cat?”
I froze, tail lashing. Silly cat? After all I’d accomplished today?
Unbelievable.
I leapt onto her bed, turning my back on her. If she couldn’t appreciate my brilliance, then so be it. One day, the humans would understand. Until then, I would continue my work in the shadows.
They’ll thank me eventually, I thought, curling into a ball. Maybe.